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Centerpointe Research

Feeling Beat Down And Worn Out?

Criticism and put-downs can be a form of mental abuse and so can sarcasm and being told that you can’t take a joke.  Constant volleys of such “verbal” abuse can wear a person down and definitely not help them back up. It is often used in arguments to denigrate the opinions  and/or wishes of those being put down.  The partner might find him or herself spending more time defending themselves than having a constructive arguement.

Anger Is Often Used To Control

Anger Controls People

Nagging can result from such interactions.  If a person is never allowed to win an argument by the means cited above, they may resort to nagging as a substitute for not being able to win in an argument.  Nagging can be a symptom of a relationship where one person doesn’t do something that the other person wants and in an argument over this issue, the other person feels that they don’t have to a chance to win.

Such forms of interaction discussed above can result in a negative living situation with one or both persons involved feeling “less than” and unable to cope.  Being constantly “put-down” does not generate a comfortable situation and it can become a constant war zone in which one person always wants to win and the other person doesn’t feel they have a chance.

Punishment is not a good way to encourage certain forms of behavior; positive reinforcement is.  Also on many issues over which partners fight there is often no one “right” answer.  Many such arguments are about personal preferences and not absolutes although some people like to think that they are.  Mother nature and our environments are set up to encourage certain types of tastes and certain types of skills.

Does Anger Bring Out The "Devil" In You

Does Anger Bring Out The “Devil” In You

For example, if I have sensitive hearing, I may prefer certain types of music over other types.  Does that make me right or wrong when I argue with a person with different sensitivites and experiences.  For example, I do not like most “bluegrass music,” certain old time country music, and polkas (unless they are extremely “lively”).  However that doesn’t mean that I don’t like music as a whole.

It often boils down to a whole issue of control.  If I maintain that the things I like and like to do are the only “right” ones than I can be sure that I won’t have to do or experience anything different that I might not like.  In one relationship I was in, I was not allowed to eat any onions cooked or raw at home or away from home for he could always tell if I did and he didn’t like them.

Nobody is happy if only one person is in control of the relationship.  The winner might get tired of having to tell the loser everything they are supposed to do and the loser might get tired of never having “any choice”.  This can be the motive for murder where one partner kills the other.

 

 

Neglected Gratitude

Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium

Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium Helping Someone

Think of all the people who have helped you. For a moment, don’t count the times that they didn’t. Be appreciative of what you did get even if you can’t rely on them now. It is unusual to look back and not find at least one person who has helped you. Even people who have did you great harm might have done something that benefited you once. It is also easier to notice the things that have gone wrong than to count your blessings.
So often we do not remember or note in any way things that people who treat you right have done and value more what someone who has neglected us has done. Be truly grateful. Why is a favor done by someone who usually rejects us mean more than one by someone who consistently supports you. “Ah, you say when this happens, “It doesn’t count.”
chinese-grandparents-sitting-grandchildren-26098101There was a mother who had a lot of children. Two of them took care of her and even at one point had her live with each of them. Who did she get excited about when they came to see her or when she had a chance to go see them, the ones who usually did nothing for her and usually weren’t around very much. Seems shallow, doesn’t it.
You may feel the same way about family. If they are not the ones doing something for you, then it doesn’t count. Yet hasn’t God sent other people into your life to help you at times maybe when your family wasn’t there. People aren’t all or always bad.
rp_7297340494_bbd50a8706_m.jpgNo one’s family life is perfect and I spent some time when I was younger talking about what my parents had done wrong in raising me and did not talk about the good things (Oh, yes, there were some). For example, my parents put me through undergraduate school at a private four year college. Also holidays and family get togethers were important to them.
I don’t want to underestimate anything that went wrong in your upbringing; but many times there are more than one thing to consider if you are looking at how you were raised. Yes, the bad things might have outweighed the good ones; but the good ones still existed.

The Need For Security Comes From Within

Women, men? Does the need for security control your life?  Are you afraid to fight with someone because it might end your relationship with them?  Women, people who put you down, often the man in your life, often win a potential conflict with the first blow.  If he or she is mad at me, it is all over.  It is very convenient to make a complaint or even make an angry comment when asking about something you don’t like or understand.

Anxiety and fFear

Conflict seems to be more natural for men.  They can almost fight one minute and be friends the next.  It can get pretty brutal one day and the next they are back to being the best of buds.  Many women are different making a denigrating comment to another woman can end a relationship forever.  So how does a woman react when someone puts them down.  If they are depending on the relationship for support and security, they go into emergency crisis mode and/or feel “knocked up beside the head” by someone they thought loved and appreciated them.

Women can take a lot of negative comments from a man in a relationship often things the man forgets about as it wasn’t that serious to him or the man didn’t even realize the woman took it seriously or so hard.  Men are constantly jousting, jockeying for position, and they don’t even think that seeing things ( from this perspective) that it was taken seriously.

Hypocrites? (Warning X-Rated?)

When  man “fools” around, he is just being a man.  When a man gets it on with a  woman he considers “easy”, he will often say later, when men are talking about women who are wh–res or sl-ts, that she is one of them.    What does that make him?  Some men have sex with a willing woman and then put her down for doing it.

What about countries where women who are the unwilling victims of rape are considered to blame for what happened, not the man who did it, and are put to death.

Aren’t men more easily turned on by physical things or how a woman looks to them and what they fantasize about her and then they blame the woman for leading them on when she refuses to cooperate or reciprocate their ardor.  Women are more carried off by romantic notions and anticipated intimacy.

Why can’t a woman be more like a man (from “My Fair Lady”, the musical) and why can’t a man be more like a woman?  Men and women are different in terms of what physiologically arouses them.  This is why it takes longer for a woman to be ready for intercourse and longer to “come” to orgasm once she is aroused and her partner could become impatient.

Thus women sometimes “fake it” because the woman wants to please the man in order to support the relationship which is import to her.  Women are often more concerned about pleasing others and putting the needs of others first before their own in order to do this.

Thus communication is important for the relationship,  Sometimes men and sometimes even women expect the other person to instinctively know what turns the opposite sex on.

No wonder women when talking to other women talk about how they “fake” orgasms and they are more likely to have had “unwanted” sex especially the first time.  Men have often had more solo practice at coming to orgasm and arousing themselves then women have so they may be more “ready” for sex than the woman is and can make a woman feel guilty if she doesn’t comply with their desires.

Sometimes a relationship implicitly implies that a couple will have sex.  This can be the origin of a “date rape”.  This can result in a man using the less than gracious “come on” line such as, “You wanna?” after a long, boring, and tedious date during which the man got drunk and ignored the woman.

Are there precious and gracious men out there?  Yes there are.  Ones who use rose petals and candles to set the stage (often for marriage  proposals).

Atmosphere can be very important.  Don’t choose a fishing camp or a hunting lodge for your first encounter whether before or after marriage.  The back seats of cars and the typical bachelor pad are often not very romantic.  In the front seat, the steering wheel and/or the gear shift can get in the way and the smell of dirty socks and well worn running shoes is often not very pleasant neither is a bare mattress that may have never seen sheets..  Nor is the possibility of a roommate snoring prone in the next bed or carrying on with another girl on the couch in the next room.

 

 

The Three R And R’s

Rest and Relaxation, Rules and Regulations, Rights and Responsibilities.  Which one don’t we need?  How about a vote?

My vote is for Rules and Regulations.  They are something we can do without if we have established Rights and Responsibilities.  Values and Morals are internal standards established by the soul to live in this world with other souls.  Values and Morals generate what a soul considers to be individual rights and to be the accompanying responsibilities that go with having these rights.self discipline

Rules and Regulations are established only for people who do not have values and morals or who do not have the same values and morals and fight over them.  A strong commitment to a set of rights (the amendments of the constitution) and responsibilities makes having rules and regulations almost unnecessary.

Rest and relaxation enable us to continue doing these things that we consider the right things to do.  God established Sundays as a day of rest.  A period of time when relaxation, not responsibilities, takes the fore front.  We must care for ourselves like we care for others.  For example, what good is an exhausted caregiver to the one who needs care?  We also need a time to go over our values in life and to determine if we are still adhering to them.

We also used to be “on duty” when we were at work, not wasting time looking at social media (which we can do after work) or texting and at 5 P.M. we were off duty and free to see our friends and family and catch up on things at home as well as clean up and get a refreshing night’s sleep.  Parents are not supposed to be “mystery people” who pick up and drop off children somewhere and bring them home only to sleep.  Worse yet no one needs an exhausting commute to and from work or shift work that upsets a person’s internal clock.

Fight Now? Rather Than Later?

In an ongoing relationship that might become Permanent.  Learn to have your disagreements now rather than after you get “hitched”

I don’t mean that you won’t still fight when you are further along in your relationship; but some earth-shaking confrontations by either partner is better now then later when your sense of security might mandate that you don’t rock the boat and have those quarrels.  “Maybe it will just go away” is not a practical approach to settling differences.

Hopefully your disputes will turn into full-blown confessions of what you really want and don’t want in life and some talking about how to accomplish these things if you decide to make the choices necessary to do them.  Things like children, religion, settling down and staying in one place, finances, or intimacy and sexuality.  It just won’t go away.  It will just get harder to do after you have invested more in the relationship and have more to lose such as security, material objects you have mutually invested in, and time with and your ability to exert influence over what happens to your possible children.

It is better to stand your ground sooner than later.  You will have less to lose and probably more to gain.  Sometimes it is like trying to catch a big fish.  It will be wonderful if you catch him or her; but the process in eventually catching a big fish also involves losing a few along the way.  People often talk about the one that got away.  Maybe it was too big for someone like you to reel in.  Ever order a big steak and were unable to eat it all?  Maybe you should have had something smaller and maybe enjoyed it more without getting stuffed.  What is a “catch” for one person may not be a “real catch” for another.

 

 

Sex? Before Affection. Worse Yet. Sex Before Honor and Respect

rp_272680378_bd063659bc_m.jpgSex was intended to be a beautiful expression of love.  Delicate and tender, unhurried without any worries.

A one night stand especially does not honor and respect what should be an act of love.  It should not be done with someone  you don’t know well enough to even know their name or remember it after one night out.

Clean sheets, privacy, or more than a chance meeting with soap, are necessities not just niceties.

Safety, trust, honor, and truthfulness should be expected not neglected.  Pregnancy is a precious gift not an unwanted result of thoughtlessness and impulsiveness.   Infertility can be the long-term result of taking a chance maybe just this once.

How do you know whom your shack up partner has been with and what calling cards were left from this encounter.  Some people don’t even know if this is so and can’t tell you the truth since they don’t even know it.

Everyone has a built in need for affection and touch itself is an important form of communication.  Why leave them out of the equation.  Most people are uncomfortable when touched by a stranger even in an unavoidable crowded situation like the subway.

“Why don’t you show me you love me” is a popular line when seeking a good time.  A person may not be ready yet to be that deeply involved with someone they really like and might be afraid to lose so they decide to chose to give the gift that they are not ready yet to give.  It is priceless and expensive and can lead to bliss when properly used and reciprocated.

Putting the cart before the horse is usually not sensible or pleasurable especially for women..  There are ways that you can show person that you love them by how you treat them: a home cooked meal, a graciously opened door, a brush of a kiss, the tentative grasp of a hand, an arm around the shoulder, or a truthful compliment.

How often do we expect to get something in this world without earning it?  Can a car motor go from first to fourth or fifth gear without taking any of the intervening steps like going through second or third gear?

Can Firing Someone Be A Form Of Bullying? (Preliminary Post)

Have you noticed that if you get fired from a job these days that you are escorted out and not let to take anything with you or finish up any tasks you have initiated even those which might adversely effect customer care and service?

Did you ever wonder where workplace violence came from?  It might come as a reaction to the bullying of some employees by someone who has the power to hire and fire people.  You can be a threat to that person and/or an easy target for a person to use to demonstrate their “fire” power.

Letting someone go is a very serious decision and it might have been avoided if that person was not hired in the first place.  It is easier to say, “No thanks, the position has been filled or your qualifications don’t fit our position.”  It also looks better on a person’s employment record as it never even appears.

I have never heard a potential employer asking an applicant if they had applied any jobs and did not get hired and,, “Why?”  From my point of view even probation periods don’t look so bad or preliminary employment being with a temporary agency doesn’t look so bad either.

Why is that the person fired has a lot of explaining to do after being fired while the person or the company doing the firing usually has none?

Respect, R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Thought For The Day)

You get what you give in relationships.  Do you feel “put down”, “unappreciated”?  When you give what you want to get with ordinary people, not narcissists, this works.

Demand respect!  If you let someone treat you like that, they just do more of it.  Tolerance doesn’t diminish it.  It helps it spread.

Will expand on this later….

Does Therapy Come Too Late?

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgWhy didn’t we learn to help ourselves in school?  Where were the role models of good adjustment at home?  Parents are often as clueless as their children and are afraid to admit it when they didn’t also get the instruction at home or school.

There are self-help books for adults.  Where are they for children?  Do parents feel that it is to their advantage to have children who don’t know anymore than than they did when they were children?

rp_300px-TV_highquality.jpgDo children learn how to deal with life from video games, violent programs, or from the drama they see and/or experience at home.  Values, ideals, and spirituality are close to being forbidden in schools or anywhere in the public eye.  Wholesome shows have been replaced by shows with lots of drama providing bad examples of how to behave in relationships or deal with problems.

Practicing therapy can be a frustrating business especially when it comes after a person’s beliefs and problem-solving behaviors have become crystallized and so much a part of a person’s identity that they feel threatened when challenged to change.  It has a lot to do with how a person’s self-esteem is developed and the practices that they are taught to maintain it.  Lying, deceiving, and avoiding responsibility are often used by someone when a person is afraid of being criticized and ultimately rejected.rp_Anxiety.gif

What results is a fear of change and a learned helplessness instead of developing helpful problem-solving skills and a desire to change for the sake of doing better.  We are evolving individuals and making mistakes and changing what we do or think is part of the process.  I once wrote a story or a poem about “Old King Never Ever Wrong”.

Stories are to teach and not just to amuse or vent rage.  Before most people could read or write stories were a way of teaching things and were passed down orally from generation to generation in order to do this.  What about the parables Jesus told in the Bible?  What about the Bible stories that are still taught in Sunday school or church?