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Do You Respect Yourself As Much As You Respect Other people?

rp_300px-Grad_Students.jpgWhen  someone is rude inappropriate or disrespectful to you, are you too embarrassed to speak up for yourself or are you afraid that the other person might get angry at you?  Some people count on you doing this so they can keep on doing what upsets you either to you or others.  Sometimes we feel “we got it wrong” and if we said something we might be made to look foolish.

From the female point of view, some men think that they can grope a woman or cop a feel and the women won’t act like anything is wrong.  Somehow taking the blame on themselves, not putting it on the offender.  The offender sometimes says, “You liked it.  I can tell.”  They believe women somehow are inviting them to do this and they are just doing what the women want them to do but are afraid to say.

rp_8779146668_6e5def7ac9_n.jpgShould I list the men who have done this to me?  Also, some sexual talk, pictures, videos, and movies are off-putting to some women rather than arousing.  But we don’t want to rain on a man’s parade and let him do it and even watch, I would say sometimes uneasily,  ourselves.

Has woman’s lib gone too far?  Are women thinking that under the new era, that women should be more sexually active and cooperative when they are not comfortable doing it?  Is groping by your male seatmate in the back seat of a car while another couple makes out in the front seat satisfying or uncomfortable and maybe even embarrassing?

rp_5307249644_41b9ef6f0f_m.jpgThe woman’s idea of a sexual relationship is that it involves at least mutual affection, mutual sexual attraction, comfort, and privacy.  Some women up the amp even more and want the penthouse suite so to speak, etc.

Women can be very cautious about expressing their wants and desires sexually and it may be something they have not had practice doing.  Men like to express their dominance in a sexual relationship for bragging rights to other men (that’s a no-no) and the secure feeling that they are right about what their opinions are about what makes for great sex (for him) and they won’t take no for an answer.

Another true story, I had a professor like that and it was difficult for my office manager friend to keep him in secretaries he was so disgusting and predatory.  Yet, the rest of the office (mainly men) thought he was a great guy.  He was actually inconsiderate and self-engrossed.

emotional-abuse-disney-princess-16471851-496-479Did he try something on me, yes, and I did not consider him attractive or available (he was married and had a family) even though I was divorced at the time.  During that time there, I met a much younger man with whom I was comfortable with and who was attractive in a cozy comfortable way.  I wasn’t a cold fish, the professor was not my cup of tea and he was nasty to women and I didn’t like him or like to be around him.

True story, I was in a small crowded attic room with this professor and other students.  Several students and this professor were smoking.  My eyes started to water.  I am not a smoker.  He told me to take my contact lens out if the smoke was bothering me and that day, I was wearing glasses.  I said nothing.

11478115084_52613dd791_zHow much is allowed to go on; because we don’t speak up.  I once told my guiding pastor that it did not seem polite to start a ruckus in church but some people deserved ton be confronted.  I was not denying them Jesus but doing what Jesus did with his disciples when they were not doing the right thing,  They were ordinary men who sometimes got off in the wrong direction and Jesus knew what they were doing or were going to do and told them that.

What have I got to lose if I do this (speak up in public), maybe just self-respect.  Don’t let others “buffalo” you into accepting something from that them that you feel is wrong and should be stopped because somebody is or will or could be hurt.  We even though we are innocent bystanders sometimes have to confront the problem we see happening in front of our eyes even if it doesn’t involve us directly.

Once a man (I’ll call him a young man because he has a lot of growing up to do, was “high” in front and was very self-satisfied about how he was when he was high and even proud of himself.  I do like and love the guy but he can be exasperating sometimes.  I confronted him about being high (he thinks I am a nerd and don”t notice when he is high) and his “false” self-confidence and narcissistic attitude was really phony and annoying.

 

Guilt, Shame, & Fear Of Violating Taboos Make Limits

Warm Fuzzies-Cold PrickliesHaving explored many different areas of life and having come to the conclusion that there are:”Different Strokes for different folks,”  I suggest we embrace diversity.  Just because we are used to something doesn’t mean that there isn’t another way to do it that is accepted elsewhere.

For example, I was invited to a friend’s for supper and there was no silverware. I then realized it was normal in this household for people to eat with their fingers.  I come from a German background and in that culture, there are few if any physical displays of affection in adult social situations.  A person like me feels embarrassed when we get around people from a different European culture where this is done freely and easily.

Babies die if not given affection: cuddling, cooing, etc.  This is called marasmus.  Yet something so vital to human life is something most of us have to learn to live without.  I remember trying to give my dad a hug as an adult and he shied away from me.  It’s only in sexual relations and with very young children that this is allowed.

Who knows what science will say about this in the future?  And how vital it may be found to be to human interaction and human thriving.

rp_3646327263_31934e1abe_m.jpgSuch a warm comfortable feeling when it is freely expressed can create feelings of tremendous guilt in some people and other cases we reject it’s expression because it comes with an ulterior motive.

I can’t remember how many times that males in my life wanted “to cop a feel” without getting any permission.  It usually was at the beginning of something that the male thought might eventually lead to sex.  It usually left me cold especially if I did not find that person attractive and/or I was involved in another relationship.  It led to feeling used, not cared for.

I do “healings” and even with that, I can sense when a person feels okay about me healing them or when it would gross them out or otherwise be unacceptable.

Why Do We Avoid Calling Child Sexual Abuse Rape?

(No pictures were used in the context of this discussion of whether or not child abuse is actually rape; because any pictures used of children might be considered sexualized.)

In thinking about Child Sexual Abuse , I realized that we hardly ever talk about  it as childhood rape.  When a man has anal sex with a boy, what is he really doing? It surely is rape. When a man manipulates a girl’s sexual parts into to have an orgasm, is this really rape?  When a woman initiates intercourse with a boy or adolescent male, isn’t she raping him?  Having a girl touch her sexual parts (whether her own or the girl’s) in order to achieve sexual excitement and/or orgasm, do we consider that rape of a child by a woman.

For purposes of discussion here is the new FBI definition of rape:   (https://www.fbi.gov/…/new-rapedefinitio…)  The new FBI Summary definition of Rape is: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”  But how about rape by proxy?  

My definition of rape for the purpose of  this discussion consists of using an innocent victim in order to achieve orgasm or high levels of sexual arousal.  If the child’s sexual feelings are aroused and/or the child actually comes to orgasm, the child is not considered old enough to give consent.  Also, what adds to the heinousness of this behavior is that it is kept secret and hidden to avoid detection and create undeserved guilt in the child or adolescent.  The latter is often why the victim often suffers in silence.  Also, does the child or adolescent know what he or she is actually doing or that he or she is not responsible for this illicit behavior?

Could child pornography also be considered as rape by proxy?  The offender self-stimulates himself or herself to orgasm using what is essentially an unwilling victim.  When we don’t call it rape, we make it seem less harmful.  It involves an adult using a child to come to orgasm without his or her consent.  How are the children treated when these pictures are taken?  If the children are encouraged to see the filming as a game, what happens when the children learn what they were used for? 

Are Private Parts Not Private Anymore?

Viewing Private PartsRemember when you were not supposed to share your private parts with anyone, but a parent, or with someone else usually a medical person when your parents were present.  Later you were told you could choose to share them when you were an adult; but not with someone you didn’t want to share them with.

Now we can view others’ private parts anywhere on the street, in magazines, on the internet, and in advertisements.  It is hard to say, “No, I don’t want to look at that, I don’t want to see you that way, and if you are going to do that either you must leave or I will leave myself.”

It is still alright to feel icky and to refuse to view things that you don’t like.  As a long-time psychologist, I thought I had seen everything and nothing surprised me or offended me.  If viewing something does not have to be done in the line of duty, I still can say it is inappropriate and switch channels or walk away or if it is my space, tell someone to leave and possibly not to return.

Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?

Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?

Private parts are your personal possessions and they are there for your satisfaction and enjoyment.  This can be spoiled when someone tries to use another person’s private parts for their satisfaction and enjoyment only and will say anything or do anything to make it happen.

Feelings can become detached from the event and the victim may not remember what happened.  This is a form of self-defense and possibly a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).  This makes it difficult for the victim to bring up from inside him or herself what happened in order to digest it properly.  This also can interfere with a person’s appropriate sexual development.

The victim has a large price to pay.  What about the offender? Usually as long as he or she can do it, he or she will do it to more and more victims and in worse and worse ways.  It could be called an addiction.  It usually has to do with what an offender needs to do to get sexually excited and to reach orgasm.  Like alcoholics need more and more alcohol, the offender takes more and more risks and does more and more damaging things to his or her victims.  The frequency and intensity of the abuse also can increase.

 

What Makes Child Sexual Abuse Easier? Gullibility, Secrecy, Opportunity, Second Chances, Disbelief

A Perplexed Child

A Perplexed Child

Gullibility:  We would like to think the best of someone sometimes rather than the worst.  We can be gullible when we believe that any authority figure is an expert about such things if he or she thinks he or she is or should be.

Secrecy:  Family, friends, and associates of sex offenders are afraid if they admit they know about the person’s sexual offender status and/or offenses that some of the onerous might rub off on them and can cause them not to be accepted too so they don’t say anything about it or admit to having a relative or associate with such tendencies.

Disbelief:  (What actually is more onerous is not warning others that the person is not to be trusted to be alone with a child and/or to be in the care of a person who won’t keep the child safe as they see no reason to not to leave a child alone with this person under certain circumstances like when they go to change clothes and the child is taking a nap.)

Sexual offenders are often not found out until they have committed several different offenses with more than one victim.  Also offenses can become more and more onerous over time and what act that may have satisfied the offender’s need for sexual stimulation and climax becomes less satisfying and the offender goes on to doing  things that can not be considered victimless and/or harmful.

Many offenders often convince themselves and try to convince others that they are just educating and helping the victim with his or her sexual adjustment and not leaving it to chance with some other person when they reach adolescence or adulthood with a peer.

Also sexual offenders are not all men and they are not all homosexuals.  Anyone who inappropriately touches or has a child or in some cases adolescent inappropriately touch them in a way that causes sexual arousal and/or climax for the offender or the victim can cause mental and emotional pain, confusion, and discomfort that can be disabling.

Can You "See" What he is feeling?

Can You “See” What he is feeling?

What kind of things can a parent, either mother or father, do that sends confusing messages to their child?  Children can sense when somethings seems or feels right or wrong and in these situations are encouraged by the person doing these things that feel wrong to them to doubt their own feelings and “put up” with it and deny their own feelings or doubts.

People may have different standards of what is right and what is wrong but any responsible adult usually knows that what the offenders are doing in front of the child or making the child do is not in the child’s best interests.

Doing something for the child’s own good can be an excuse for bad behavior or an appropriate reason for doing something the child does not like.  Remember to think twice if a child avoids a person or situation and /or demonstrates the reluctance to do something.

When dealing with child sexual abuse, consult knowledgeable sources with experience and professional education in the area.  Remember even registered nurses usually specialize and do not work in every area of the hospital  or area of practice out in the community.

Some Beliefs That Keep You Down

  1. control freak That you have to control others or they will control you.
  2. . That others can make you feel bad.
  3.   That many people in this society (including you) are of little value.
  4.    That only a dope gives to others not expecting to get anything in return.
  5.   That you have to be what you have been conditioned to be from birth.
  6.  That what  you see, hear, or perceive in any way must be the same as everybody else.
  7.  That the theories about life and the universe that others have are the only ways to view them.
  8. Sheep go where they are told to go, eat what is provided for them to eat, and ultimately give their lives so that somebody else doesn’t have to.
  9. That you are destined to be alone and you are lucky if you capture anybody’s attention, no matter how little and no matter how long.
  10. That those who think that they are supposed to control us, know more than we do.

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

rp_363849983_150_150.jpg

Or Is It The Beginning?

Who are you?  Everyone is different from birth.  Lots of things that happen to us can change our perception of ourself.  People around us expect us to be like them and as a child, we often don’t know any better.  We all have different kinds of potential and that potential helps define our purpose in life.  We often are so busy responding to the demands put on us by the outside, we have little time or opportunity to discover who we really are inside.  Often we are caught up in doing what we think we should be doing but not really what reflects our purpose in life and uses our unique talents and abilities.  Sometimes this is reflected an adolescent rebellion or in a midlife crisis and others don’t discover this until they are facing retirement.

Judge Not That Ye May Not Be Judged, Condemn Not That Ye Not Be Condemned (From The Bible)

rp_366761818_150_150.jpgThe Bible warns against condemning others, but it also tells you not to condemn yourself.  We create so many problems when we start having so many expectations for ourselves, things that we have to live up too.  Do we bully ourselves?  Do we criticize ourselves before somebody else, including God, does it to us?  Then when we err we don’t give ourselves any slack. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.  We judge ourselves before somebody else can judge us.  Of what use is self-condemnation and judgments from others?

rp_300px-Emotions.GIFSometimes our conscience is too well-developed.  We do this to avoid judgments from others.  Maybe we stop and look in the mirror before we go out so that no one can surprise us with an unfavorable remark.  Compliments are often few and far between even those they may be deserved.  Sometimes when someone says nothing it is as close to a compliment as we can get.

Warm Fuzzies-Cold PrickliesWe need warm fuzzies, not cold pricklies.  I guess the latter at least reassure us we have been noticed.  Have you ever felt that you might be invisible when everybody in the room at a party are busy talking to each other and they don’t seem to notice that you are there?

Have You Let The Past Get You Down

rp_367070359_150_150.jpgThis is probably not a post for psychopaths to read as they already don’t do this and that is why they don’t change.  Guilt, Shame, and depression are what can weigh you down.  Especially if you can’t let go of them.

We all seek love, attention, support, and affection.  It can build our ego, increase our self-esteem, and help us feel good.  But there is a danger when we direct our attention outside ourselves so strongly that any slight, failure, or loss can sink our boats.

I have started to not only declutter my house, but also my mind.  Negative feelings like those above can become permanently attached in the unconscious to things that you have done, things that have happened to you, and things you have learned.

I came to this conclusion when I realized that I still felt guilt about things that turned out wrong even though I may not have even planned for them to happen.  The negative consequences of these actions were so life-shattering that I thought I could never live them down and my future was black because of them.

Recently I have realized that I was taking more responsibility for what happened than I should have as I didn’t know what the consequences could be at the time or even that I was that responsible!

Have you ever said, “I can’t forgive myself for….”  It also makes it possible for others who might be somewhat responsible for what happened too to shift the blame entirely on to you.

I am in the process of unhooking myself from these sort of things and of letting me focus on the future using what I have learned from my mistakes to help myself and others.

P.S.:  I have been strongly involved in politics lately and what upsets me is that political candidates and parties are more directed towards what  they think people want to hear than towards what they really have to say, really want to do, and how they would actually accomplish it.  Worst of all, they don’t take responsibility for things that they have done that hurt others and that make them poor candidates for political office.

Be Careful Around Those With A History Of Sexual Abuse

(Here is the place to put a graphic picture of sexual abuse; but that might be considered child pornography.)

I am talking about the abuser, not the victim.  The chances are extremely high they will offend again and probably had committed other offenses before they got caught.  Also offenses tend to escalate over time as it takes more and more of a thrill to “get off”.  Some people protect and support offenders because they think they deserve a chance and they would like to believe that the offenders have reformed.

It takes extreme vigilance to protect potential victims from these offenders.  You and any other responsible adult who know about the offender should attempt to shadow the offender and keep them from being alone with potential victims.  To do this, you have to think like an offender.

The sexual abuse often reflects the offenders’ full time commitment to getting access to potential victims and to collect information that would help them do this.  A sexual offender never says to a responsible caretaker I will watch your child for you while you go to the grocery store and while you are there, I will get your child to undress and play a “fun” game with me from which I will get sexual  pleasure.

Should you believe me? Yes!  I have conducted interviews with many victims of sexual abuse, often by play therapy and by using drawings,  One thing I have been careful not to do is implant an idea in a child’s mind where one didn’t exist and to try not to commit further trauma.  The child may be frightened and somehow feel guilty.  These are ways that the abuser knows to keep the victim from talking about the abuse with anyone.

When abuse occurs, children do many things in an attempt to help them handle it.  They may learn not to trust their feelings and/or intuition.  They might put a lot of it out of their mind as it is too hot to handle.  But the unconscious usually retains the memories of sexual abuse somewhere and also the feelings associated with it.  It is like a splinter.  It may hurt a little if you leave it alone but it might hurt a lot when you take it out.  Then the pain can go away.

Possible consequences of sexual abuse are confusion about sexual identity, decreased or even absent libido, and a sense of inferiority that never goes away.  Don’t wait for someone else to do something about it!  The sexual abuser counts on this.