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Focusing On What Doesn’t Work Or What Is Wrong Instead Of What Is Right Or What Does Work!

rp_300px-Angry_Talk_Comic_Style.svg_.pngHow depressing!  How self-defeating!  Especially when you judge yourself by other people’s standards.  Will we ever get ahead as a person (or a country) if we keep doing this?

This is what makes news so depressing!  Also, when people focus on what is wrong with themselves or others instead of what is right.  In school, I  had to find out for myself if a teacher was good or not and not take other peoples’ experiences with the teacher as gospel truth.  One person may consider a teacher as too strict while I might experience him or her as just and fair.

rp_300px-Grad_Students.jpgRecently on the news, I saw a presentation about a principal who had applied what he had learned about schooling children and helping them learn to his own independent middle school that was doing quite well.  In fact, he used the money he earned from a publishing a book on this to fund the school.

Usually, independent schools like these which are successful are not used as models for other new schools.  “Charter” schools also do not always continue to get the support they need because other schools doing more poorly than these suck the life out of them because the funds are needed for schools like these which don’t do well.

rp_3907004058_644dbdf9b5_m.jpgMaybe we should fund more “committees” to find solutions (things that are already working) than to find problems on which money is then wasted by usually applying previously tried and failed ideas to deal with once the existing problems which we usually find that we already know about.  This is putting good money after bad.

Creativity is often discouraged because those who are invested in already existing solutions resist becoming outdated and the institutions invested in them feel threatened and want to maintain the status quo.  Is this one of the reasons why “big government” is hard to prune once it is established?

rp_342149110_150_150.jpgIndividuals also find it hard to shift gears when they have invested time and money into what seemed appropriate to them because their parents did it or they could possibly make a lot of money at it or it would provide them with security when actually their talents lay elsewhere and though they mastered the profession they never did as well as they would have like to especially when comparing themselves with others who might have had talents and interests better suited to that occupation.

For example, I have a daughter, maybe even both daughters, that like to work outdoors.  With one daughter, she did not wind up finding a job where she could apply her major but became involved in another area where she could also work outdoors.  In fact, she been working part time at this all through school.  What she was motivated to learn on her own became a lot more satisfying to her even though she made good grades and successfully took a lot of science classes for her actual college major.

rp_3692285331_9043cf7c46_m.jpgFor me, this has been a long journey.  I found things that I liked to do and was good at doing aimed less at the mentally ill population and more at the everyday population (like I am doing here on this website).  Also, my expertise comes more from doing what feels right and involves more creativity on my part than faithfully following established routines.  My lack of self-confidence kept me from focusing on these things and kept me focusing on what I thought the establishment wanted.

 

rp_300px-Little_girl_drawing_with_blue_pencil.jpgSome of these areas are and were the interpretation of drawings and the use of drawings in therapy, diagnostic interviewing where the person doing the information is led by what the interviewee says and does.  Another area was doing hypnosis and relaxation therapy following a loose guideline of what needed to be done depending on the goal of the therapy or the diagnostic information  needed or previously received.  I also found that flexibility was important in determining on what the person or persons I was working with needed.

The Art Of Giving

kindness, giving awayJust recently I gave somebody something and I wanted to tell somebody else who knew him or her what I had done.  But I stopped and told myself that that wasn’t the point of the gift and it would instead have ruined what I had been trying to do.

We all in the past might have been a secret Santa to someone at holiday time and the best part of it was when the person didn’t know who had been doing such nice things and we had the secret thrill of seeing the other person’s pleasure and confusion when they found that something had been done for them or a small gift showed up at their door or on their pillow.

familykidpictureOften giving is more satisfying than getting.  I know a lovely lady who when she gives a talk to children may give them each some unexpected treat like a candy bar or a dollar.  The pleasure that she gets from this is reflected in the expression on her face and the timbre of her voice.  She often does not have a lot to give, but she gives away what she has and doesn’t expect anything in return.

rp_319628280_150_150.jpgWhen someone gives something and does not expect something in return, this is true giving.  There can be the delight in surprising someone with an unexpected present of something that the giver instinctively knows should be given to the other person at the opportune moment.

Gifts that are given with expectations of what the person who is receiving the gift must do in return is not a gift.  Real “Gifts” come with no expectations and the giver will not be happier if the gift is accepted with great appreciation than if it is not appreciated and thrown away.

rp_300px-Pecan_Pie.jpgOn the other hand, when receiving a gift, remember that if a gift (even if it is unwanted) is given in a spirit of joy and goodwill, often it should be happily accepted  in the spirit that it was given.  Most of us know that if a small child gives us a gift (even a pebble or a flower), we should appreciate it for what it often is an expression of love or affection and rather than keep it for themselves, they give it to you.

 

Does Your Conscience Get You Down?

rp_300px-Clouds-8.JPGI am proud to be a moral person, not an amoral person; but this can lead to self-judgment and the feeling at the end of the day that you did something that might have offended others that you weren’t particularly proud of when you thought about it later..

You can become preoccupied with such possible mistakes to the point that it may spoil your day.  You may go to sleep ruminating about what you think you did wrong and it may ruin an otherwise acceptable day.

pebbles_ripples_pondChock that one up to experience and vow to think before you do it again, but let it go.  If you are that concerned, then you have already learned your lesson and surprise, surprise, the other person or persons may not have been upset at all or didn’t even notice it.

We all have an early-warning system like this once we decide to treat others like we would like to be treated.

 

Making Bad Connections Between Two Separate Things When They Don’t Make Sense

rp_363561405_150_150.jpgIt is unfortunate that some people when bad things happen in order to explain unexplainable things they make connections that make themselves feel really guilty when they actually might not be so. Unfortunately, bad things happen over which we seemingly have no control.  This especially happens when someone dies unexpectedly.

From an early age people often makes inaccurate connections between when something bad like this happens and something that they have done unfortunately when they did not know that the unexpected would happen.

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgThis especially happens when someone is grieving and did not know before the person passed away that the person would die unexpectedly.  Perhaps there was a family celebration that was not so happy because someone’s feelings got hurt.  Being that we often have great expectations for such occasions, this often happens when things don’t meet our expectations and our feelings get hurt or we get mad about something.

Most people know that this will often blow over and be forgotten before the next big family celebration.  Then something bad happens and the person blames his or herself for it happening or for not having treated the person who dies unexpectedly right!

Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium

Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium

A person’s sudden passing is upsetting enough without adding the factor in that one of the persons doing the grieving feels that he or she had a part in it which they now regret.  The origin of this problem is often that the person who feels bad would rather they had something to do it rather than it happened for no reason or if by chance a person is not on good terms with the person who passes unexpected and now wishes that he or she had not been that way considering what happened later even though he or she didn’t know that would happen at that time.

It is important to forgive yourself like you should or would do for other people.It is, even more, important to do so if you realize that you had no intention to hurt the person that passed away as you thought this person would be around to make it up if necessary.  Don’t blame yourself for something over which you have no control!

 

What Is The Reason For The Season?

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all have the right to have different reasons for celebrating or not celebrating this season.  You may choose to feel peace or joy or anger or depression at this time of year.  I choose to feel good right now along with many other people.  I like to greet people or they like to greet me with “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas” so I am going to say, “Have a Blessed Holiday”, to you.

 

 

 

 

Do You Naturally Show Affection?

Do you show affection or is it awkward and uncomfortable if you do or someone else does it to you.  It has a lot to do with your upbringing.  My family background is German and there were few displays of affection while I was growing up and it remains awkward for me to do this even today.

rp_20070403_personal_space_comfort_zones.pngI have said, “Love you,” to some of my family members whom I truly love and they were shocked and didn’t know what to say.  I once tried to give my ailing father a hug and he froze.  Anger was easier to express in my family than affection.

Physical contact is an important part of showing affection.  We all need to be touched whether it is a back rub or physical contact like curling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone.

Warm Fuzzies-Cold PrickliesThere is a story about “warm fuzzies and cold pricklies” that illustrates that people need love and affection and can die without out it.  Due to an old witch, people got the idea that the amount of warm fuzzies that a person can give is limited and they were encouraged to use cold pricklies provided by the witch.

rp_344686278_150_150.jpgIn my family anger and criticisms were the cold pricklies that kept me alive.  Disappointment was sometimes used too.  The warm fuzzies were few and far between and they didn’t feel very warm.  They mostly were given at a distance as when I would show my Dad my new dress.

rp_342852690_150_150.jpgMassages of hands and feet can heal certain parts of the body according to Reflexology,  Hands are convenient to use as it doesn’t require removing any clothing.  Holding each others hands in a group as we pray or meditate or visualize something and the arms can be stretched out to put some space between people as they do this.

Could this affect someone’s sex life.  Very definitely so. With all the bands on physical touching in most places, people don’t get much chance to bond this way or offer support and reassurance this way.  Sexual relations can be life getting to those involved; but not if it is,”Wham Bang; Thank

rp_272680378_bd063659bc_m.jpgSexual relations can be life-giving to those involved; but not if it is,”Wham Bang; Thank You Mam.”  Is it manly to do a little making out to get ready for sex?

Pets often get more love and affection than the human family members and they know how to get it.  If love and affection are not encouraged when one is a child how can he or she display these things as an adult?

141167840521223colorfulgrandcanyonWhen I went to Sedona, I had the most beautiful massagre and I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable although I was undressed under a sheet.  I was not embarrassed when she touched me intimately in parts that I never had been caressed before.

Do you know that boys especially when they start to mature are considered too old for sissy things like displaying or receiving love and affection.  It is amazing that because of things like this, that we don’t wither on the vine.

The Right To Celebrate The Holiday Of Your Choice

rp_5187344980_c232d0aae8_m.jpgI have just as much right to put the “Merry” in Christmas and keep the Christ in Christmas as you have to take it out.  You can say, “Happy Holidays”, instead or call it the Xmas season.

Freedom of speech is a two-way street.  It does not protect just one kind of belief.  It was ordained to protect the rights for all Americans, not just the Politically Correct (PC) ones.  Have we forgotten that?

rp_3380860520_1b0dca5ab0_m.jpgThe American  Civil Liberties Union has a strong bias in terms of what freedoms they will protect and they often protect one group’s freedoms and take away the freedoms of another group with an opposite or opposing point of view.

It seems like the American Civil Liberties Union is operating like the PC police and many people who are afraid of being taken to court by them will not say anything although it needs to be said.

beingjudgmentalWhen it becomes a war on Christmas, it takes all the merriment, fun, and joy out of celebrating it.  I am noticing that stores are not decorating for Christmas as usual.  I miss it.  Yet, the stores still want people to buy Christmas gifts and decorations, religious or not.

There is a lot of paranoia about celebrating Christmas the old-fashioned way.  It is a tradition in the United States of America.  Now it seems like people are bending over backwards to facilitate celebrating the religious holidays of other religions.

rp_1360757052_a551272cf9_m.jpgThere are a lot of Muslim converts in prisons forcing prisons to make changes (for example) in the diets of prisoners who are not Muslim.  I don’t know if they purchase Kosher food and have special kitchens in which to prepare it for Orthodox Jews.  Seventh Day Adventists also have diet restrictions which are part of their belief systems.

Now in our society, I can’t tell certain jokes either.  We are not supposed to make fun of people who are different from us even though they might laugh too if they heard what we said.  I make fun of myself and have a good sense of humor.  I tell jokes about being disabled, being a “Red Neck,” and being just plain stupid sometimes.

What about all the silly Christmas songs?  Will the American Civil Liberties Union come after them too.

Before There Was Political Correctness For All Of America. There Was Political Correctness For Psychologists

debate_defined_shirts-rd63506e86f7c40c8a576c9480034df60_va6lr_512                                          Not Allowed Here!

Training for psychologists has always been politically correct and it always hampered the services we delivered.  We are in a world where values are not to be taught and religion should not be practiced.  If there are no longer any role models allowed, what will a Godless state be like?

I was trained to not offend clients by talking about values and religion unless they brought it up.  Also I was not to critique their beliefs or offer other alternatives unless they did.  If I said anything counter to this and offended someone, I was called on the carpet and once lost my job.

rp_319628280_150_150.jpg                                        Giving A Helping Hand

Values are to be challenged and religious beliefs ought to be discussed.  We are so politically correct sometimes that we can not say something a person needs to hear!  Who would you like to live next to?  A person with no values and possibly no conscience or a person who has and practices good values?

People do acquire values anyway and if we prevent them from being discussed in school or counseling, what is left?  “Bad Guys” don’t feel bad about promoting their values and acting them out.  Young people find role models somewhere if they don’t have them at home, school, or church, or in a mentoring situation either individual or group.

 

Lets Not Keep Throwing Kids Away Literally and Figuratively

4-disciplining-children-450a032108Frightened young girls get pregnant so they have somebody to love and young boys like to feel studly and see how many babies they can generate.  Neither is a good reason to have a child.  Nurturing a child is also a full-time process which involves being selfless much of the time.  It also requires good judgment which is not fully developed until young adulthood.

Our welfare state facilitates irresponsible parenthood and children often raised without discipline or love.  How many children are thrown out on the street and have to learn how to survive there on their own.Then we chastise them (not the parents or the state) for doing this and becoming angry at society and not fitting in there.

rp_2290679982_1eaafcaf2b_m.jpgNo wonder these children don’t trust anybody.  Yes, the ghetto (where many of these children end up) doesn’t always teach middle-class values.  In order to survive, these children do what they can to live on the streets or with parents and foster parents that don’t care or use them for their own purposes.  They often only want the check.  Worse yet these parents may have been raised the same way that they are raising their children.

rp_300px-Lansing-correction.jpgParents having the right to raise or not raise their biological children as they see fit does not take into account the rights of the children.  They also go so far as to often use abortion as the method of choice when it comes to practicing birth control.

I think it is a case of blame the victim (which is the child) for the sometimes irrefutable abuse they sustained whether caused by the system, natural parents,  and/or foster parents.

Last, but not least, parents who do a good job of raising their children by giving their kids love, discipline, and values do not get rewarded by the system.  There are no rewards for doing a good job, just for doing a bad job.

rp_9709182109_5fd0b7fbaa_n.jpgChild custody also gets handled often by people who do not know what they are doing, what the child needs, and what constitutes a good parent. If they do know these things they are hampered by laws and regulations that often don’t make any sense.

For example in one northern county of my state, only the worst judges, those who are not doing their job in other venues, get “demoted” to doing child custody cases and they receive no training on how to do this in a way that would benefit the child whose custody is being determined.

I have proposed that that county develop special training for these judges determining custody cases.  It would include forty hours of hands-on training by professionals in the field of custody determination. Doing it this way ensures that judges would actually participate and not just skim through some information on the subject.  It should also be a mixed group so no judge would be swayed in a particular direction.

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Who? Me?

Have you ever tried to figure out who you really are?  I have and have usually wound up confused and/or have found myself wanting!

We need to accept ourselves and others as who we really are.  Studying to be a psychologist, I have studied many different theories of personalities which delineate many different types of personalities, describe them, tell how they originated, and how they affect what a person does.

For example, a person can be introverted or extroverted. Yet, I have found that I have been both at different times in my life.  I used to hide behind my mother’s skirts as a small child and now I more openly express myself and care less what other people think.  Now,  I am me and less likely to change that depending on what other people think.  I accept myself as I am unless I see a good reason to change it.

I also view myself as having found a way to judge myself as a person and have found ways that helped me to become that way.  I am, unfortunately, somewhat judgmental because of this which is something I don’t approve of generally and have trouble understanding why other people are different from me and why we don’t always agree or get along.

I also don’t understand why I am vulnerable to certain things and sometimes make the same mistakes over and over.  Now I think I do.  Many times in the past I have explored the metaphysical science of astrology and I have not been able to master it.  Yet, other people seem to do quite well with it and they can often answer with it the questions that I can’t seem to answer.

I have decided that I am going to explore something called “Human Design” by Karen Parker which is based on astrology, but seems to present it in a different way than I have been used to and possibly seems fertile.

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