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You Can Get Away With It! Or Should You?

Do you ever listen in on other people’s conversations or do you ever even listen to the comments you make about others in your head! How negative are they. Why does it make us feel better to put other people down? What does it say about us if we are always putting down, criticizing, and denigrating others and ourselves? Why are we constantly bringing down our own and other people’s self-esteem? Why is gossip only juicy when it is about bad things about others.rp_291253057_150_150.jpg This can be called being defensive or self defense doing this to others or yourself before someone else can. Or is this because we are in constant competition? Can we  only get ahead by climbing on someone else’s back. Why does it seem not to make us feel good by saying something nice about somebody and/or are we afraid if we say something nice about ourselves, someone else will put us down? Do we have to hurt others before they hurt us? Is this a good form of self-defense?

Worse yet we often do this by telling lies, not the truth. Lying is a bad habit whether it’s telling white lies, black lies or lies of omission instead of commission. We have built in lie detectors that we are born with but we are taught from early on not to trust our instincts about this. How convenient this is to help enable others to tell us what to think so we really don’t know how things are when it is convenient for them to do so. For example, child molesters find this very hand a very handy way to coherse children into being victims.

No mater how convenient it is for parents to tell a child a little “white” lie how destructive can it be when other people with not so good motives in mind to be able to get away with this. For example, have you ever heard an adult tel a child an untruth just to upset them and then the adult gets a good laugh out of the child being upset because they think what the adult told them was true. Does the child have gullibility or has the child’s basic sense of trust in others been broken?

face-partsSince when has it become funny to hurt others in any way? What does doing this do to civilization? Carelessly doing this for a joke or because it is easy or convenient provides a bad example. How often in the past have we heard as children be on your best behavior when adults did not follow that example themselves. Monkey see; monkey do? How often were we told to keep this a secret if we caught an adult doing this after telling us as a child not to?  Is this a double standard?

Since when have we learned that it doesn’t pay to be honest and that telling the truth can get you in trouble? What a distorted, dishonest, ugly world we live in. In business and politics today.  It is the norm not the exception that this occurs.  It is alright if you can get away with it and if they get away with it, most assuredly they will do it again and again and again as they think that they will get away with it again and again and they usually do.

 

also liars insist that others should tel the truth as they know it wil hurt them. If you are on the wronside of the right  side, you can’t “get away” with anything but it is no problem if you are not. . Why therefore is being politically correct a one way street?  Certain people, political groups, and religions get cited for this while others do not. The former can’t get away with it while the later can! What kind of an example of justice is this for our children? No wonder they grow up mixed up with no internal standards of behavior.

9-11

Why haven’t we learned from 9-11?

Going Around In Circles Again

Going Around In Circles Again

I thought we had learned in WW II that loose lips sink ships and that nice guys finish last.  Some people don’t play by the same rules as we do and as long as we don’t learn this,  we are going to be playing catch up or worse yet we will learn that good guys finish last.  Haven’t we learned not to trust our enemies? Haven’t we been warned, “Don’t telegraph your moves?”  Isn’t the enemy laughing behind our backs right now or worse yet planning the complete destruction of the whole western world? I thought we had learned our lesson in WWII and we wouldn’t be blindsided again.  What do you think? This is what I think!

Woman for Peace

THERE ARE NO PICTURES ACCOMPANYING THIS POST BECAUSE ONES THAT ARE HORRIFYING ENOUGH TO HELP BRING THIS MESSAGE ACROSS CAN NOT BE PRINTED WHERE ANYONE WHO MIGHT BE TRAUMATIZED BY THEM MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEE THEM.

 

I am a Woman for Peace.  Are there other Women for Peace out there?  I feel that women have something unique to offer the world  that the aggressive terrorists don’t.  Why are we women, girls, and babies raped, subdued, and considered chattel in parts of the world.  Women and children there are often considered useless and unimportant.  Do you as a woman or a man consider that women basically have a different view of the world than men do.  Do you feel that when women become successful in this world, it is because they act and think more like men which is probably not helpful at this time when we need to  encourage love, care, and concern for others?  Why does society still keep women down? and consider womens’ and mens’ participation in the reproduction of the human race something to be looked down upon and not worth anything in this society?  Things are valuable because people think they are.  What can you do with a lump of gold if it was not worth anything monetarily?  I think that women can perceive this side of things better than some men.  The brains of men and women are different.  Why don’t we glorify this and use it.  It happened for a reason.

I am considering offering Second Chance  Workshops for women in the midst of life and interested  men who have taken or who want to take a woman’s perspective on things.  Actually we all have feminine and masculine sides and should own and develop both of them.  For example, I have a strong masculine? drive sometimes to prove I can do risky things like have a conversation in his cell with a prisoner who had committed several murders while in prison.  We should respect both sides and not consider either one of them useless or unnecessary.

Major religions of the world often lead to believers realizing that power for power’s sake and material wealth also for its own sake do not make a person really content.  Most people are not grateful for what they do have.  How many homes does a person need?  How many yachts, airplanes, and limousines does one need to have at their beck and call.  Famous and important people often pride themselves on who they know and who they can influence and sometimes form a tight knit little group who grant each other favors and congratulate each other on how well they are doing in acquiring fame and fortune.  Think of being in a quiet green place in nature or lying on a sandy white beach.   What does it cost really to do this and why should we keep such experiences from others?  The world was put here for us to enjoy, not destroy.  Sometimes tribes of primitive people had the right idea.  They didn’t require too much to enable them to thrive and be happy.  Often they had ways of settling disputes and problems which involved the contribution and concern of the whole group before they became catastrophes..

Pope Francis ( I’d rather call him Father Francis because he is such a humble man), Mother Teresa, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I think, are examples of people who put the welfare of others first and who do not or did not seek or require the trappings of power and wealth.   Shouldn’t people like these be our idols? not the prophet Mohammed who in his later days wrote in the Koran that people who didn’t believe like he did should be killed.  Now this doctrine has led to senseless tortures and murders  and what appears to be blood lust, a thirst which can not be quenched and motivates these believers to do more and more harm in terrible ways in order to get the same “rush” and a chance at having numerous virgins in paradise to have forced? sex with   As a psychologist, I know that sexual preditors and serial murderers require more and more horrible acts to achieve the thrill that they are seeking.  Doesn’t this posibly seem true of these terrorists and do I have to say that they are mostly men.  Do they feel somewhere deep inside that they must do something noteworthy because yes ,they have an equal part in the conception of a child but sometimes they take little or no part in the gestation of a baby, its nurturence after birth, and often also the development of an emotional bond with it.  Then why do they care for any human life if they don’t take their part in caring for a human baby before or after birth?

Comparing Yourself To Others

How often when you hear about some other person , do you enter into a self made competition with them?  Why do we always have to be better than or, worse yet, worse than somebody else.  Often when I hear good news about somebody else I automatically enter myself into competition with them.  I hear it is wonderful “so and so” lost so much weight and I think that is more weight than I have lost recently and it’s a “downer”.  I wonder if this person now weighs less than I do.  It is a matter of winning  or losing.  Maybe  I originally wasn’t  even thinking about losing weight but  now I am.  Who turned someone else’s accomplishment into a competition?  I did.

rp_7297340494_bbd50a8706_m.jpgYou are reading the Alumni news from your school and you realize you have gotten no where in life when you compare yourself to other people in your class or to all those who also had the same major as you.  Does your heart race or do you gasp for breath when you realize there is a competition going on and you might be losing.  How about when it looks like you are winning.  Who are you happy for the person whose good news you are reading about or yourself if you have done better than that person?

What is more important the goal or the process.  Should you feel that if you have not published a number of books in your life time, you have not been successful,  or is it more important that you enjoyed writing the book and you were writing about something that you felt was important.

This is not always true in other countries where what you do is considered part of a group effort and the group’s goals are more important than the individual’s.  It is your contribution to that not your individual achievement of a personal goal that is important.

Worrying about how I am doing and comparing my accomplishments against some kind of scale can take the enjoyment out of life,  Back when I was a child, I remembering enjoying participating in a team sports even if I was not one of the best players and therefore, one of the first players picked .  There was always  an atmosphere of enthusiasm and excitement and a rush that continued after the game was over even if you didn’t win.

Competition can lead to creativity but I can remember getting so “high” doing a project that in the creation  of it that I lost rack of time and the need to satisfy the basic needs for such things as food and sleep.  I had no guarantee that I was going to win or fear that I was going to lose but I was inspired and so immersed in what I was doing that I forgot about anything else.

Being so competitive can lead to anxiety if you don’t always win at everything.  I used to have to win all the games at a bridal or baby shower. I had to have the only “A” in class.   I really wasn’t a good winner, let alone loser.

The “rush” to judgment I can still feel today if I don’t stop myself and ask myself why I am being so competitive.  Why can’t we all be the best that we can be still remembering that the end doesn’t always justify the means.. success-churchill-550x240

Consider children in a family, can the success of one to mean the failure of another?  Brains, beauty, physical abilities, is there only enough to go around for one person only in a family to be considered to have it.

Can there be only one daddy’s girl or mommy’s boy or grandpa or grandma’s favorite.  There is a shortage of something here.  Is there not enough admiration or love to go around?

Competition can sometimes lead to increased effort on the one hand and the other hand it can lead to decreased effort if there is not enough attention, pride, fame, and money to go around.  Have you ever given up at something because of this?  I didn’t realize until I got out of high school that beauty often comes from knowing what to wear and being able to do your hair and makeup and knowing you look good, and having the self confidence that comes from this.rp_KUWtK_titlecard.png

It also took lots of time and effort.  Creating the look, checking out what was in style, and finding it.  Also girls had power over one another in this area and those who were on top often stayed that way by making sure that other girls would lose their position at the top of the heap.

I found out that I could look good when for a special occasion I had my hair and makeup done and had on attractive, stylish clothes.  I also learned later in life that those girls who I thought had it made often were not as confident as I thought they were and often spent a lot of  time dieting, picking out  clothes, and doing their hair, makeup and nails to maintain their “look.”  Being constantly judged like this was stressful for them and they were not always as self-confident as I thought they were.

Unconscious Emotions

amygdalaimagesassocwithamygdalaI recently read an article that suggested that when something traumatic happens, the thinking brain is not involved and the amygdala, a part of the brain involved in emotional response, gets set off and the person is flooded with feelings about which him or her doesn’t know what to think.  it is not always think first then act.

 

That is why sometimes the cognitive memories of abuse can not be obtained and the emotional responses can come on their own unasked for.  This can account for people who when overwhelmed by emotions don’t think straight and have strong urges to do something about them.  They often do not understand where they come from.   A long, long time ago a boy broke up with me while introducing me to his new girlfriend  It was very humiliating and all I wanted to do was stop feeling.  In the scheme of things that incident wasn’t important but the rush of emotion led to suicidal thoughts and even an attempt which I survived without telling anyone at the time.

 

face-partsThis does explain why memories of abuse can not be found and why people acquire fears that can control their lives.  Also if something happened that was so traumatic that there were not words to describe it, just an overwhelming flood of emotion.  No matter it explains why it is too painful for some people to recover such memories.  It is a little like a surgeon deciding to reopen an incision just to see if the surgery left any scars.

Earlier I wrote about don’t ask don’t tell.  always expecting the worse to happen.  This may actually be true in some cases.  Young children are very fragile and they take threats seriously.  If there is no place to go for love and comfort or at least they think so, lead to not being able to talk about something for fear of being rejected and where is a small child to go? when their own family rejects them.

Take little children’s fears seriously.  They don’t understand things as easily as adults do.  To them their fears and emotions are real and should be taken seriously and the child helped to cope.

Kids And Monsters Under The Bed

rp_3363953427_ba6fe42f32_m.jpgMost parents and other people too have heard about little kids and seeing monsters under their beds or in their closets.  It seems like a baseless fear, doesn’t it?  It is not a baseless fear.  Recently I have noticed in my dimly lit bedroom that things are not necessarily what they seem to be especially when I wake up in the middle of the night.   I am also half asleep and easily confused. The things that I see (which I find out after I get my wits about me) are not what I thought they were.  After reviewing the area on sensation and perception in my general  psychology textbook for the course I was teaching, I found that the rods and cones in the retina that create the image that you will see.  Rods are more on the edges of your eye and they see less clearly and the image that they  produce is black and white..  They are very handy to have in dim light; but the sometimes blurry image they create in semidarkness doesn’t compare with the images we see in broad daylight when the cones are working and produce detailed and colorful images.

rp_300px-Anger_Controlls_Him.jpgNo wonder children are scared of the dark.  It can be a spooky place when you wake up in the middle of the night.  A nightlight only produces a little light or having the bedroom door open a crack does the same.  This is when mostly the rods are working and what a child sees is  black and white with vague contours.  This could be easily interpreted by a young child as a boogie man or a monster.  Yes,  you could use this misconception to make a child stay in bed.  It seems important that a parent should acknowledge that things look different at night just because it is dark.  We often ‘do not see familiar things the way they look when there is more light.

I have been studying mindfulness and pay more attention to what I see and hear before deciding what itembarassingquestions means to me.  It is difficult to slow down the brain’s processing of visual stimuli as we do this fairly quickly because there might be something dangerous out there which needs a quick response.  Is it no wonder children see monsters.  Also it is usually at night and little sounds we ignore during the day because their is so much stimulation become louder and often we don’t recognize them and know what is making them.  One of these things that I usually ignore is the sound of the ice maker working in my refrigerator  unless it is otherwise very quiet.  Could these noises be the sound of the monster moving around and getting into things.  Add to this. a  cat who doesn’t stay still and is wandering around getting into things.  Your child has a right to be fearful, to be offered an explanation, and to have some how to deal develop some plan to deal with these confusing sensations with your child.  Making fun of him or her will make it worse because now they think that they can tell nobody about but it still happens.  Also children who have been abused often consider the perpetrator to be a “monster”.  Someone they would have recognized in daylight that they don’t instantly recognize in the dark.   What they did to them scared them and possibly even hurt them so it could only have been done by a “monster.”

For example when I wake up in the middle of the night, I don’t always initially recognize the lumps and bumps that are made by my husband sleeping besides me.  Just think what this might cause people to do with post-traumatic stress syndrome who remain paranoid after being in dangerous situations especially where people might have died or been captured by gangs or enemy forces.and it could have been them.  Also a child might not recognize the relative or family guest who abuses them in the night for the same reasons.  They may get hurt, be scared, and know they are in danger but may be told by an adult that they were just seeing something that wasn’t there or had a nightmare.

rp_300px-Sweet-dreams-dreaming-of-snow-white-and-the-seven-dwarves.jpgOn a lighter note the night before last I thought that a Christmas tree skirt and a white artificial “snow blanket were laying on top of my covers.  I thought when I saw it that maybe I had left it out on top of the bed when I was cleaning the bedroom closet.  I tugged and tugged but it wouldn’t cooperate and I couldn’t pull them off and and put  them somewhere.  It was actually the corner of the king size comforter covering my bed.  I did eventually realize this and stopped trying to get it off my bed.  Was it partially because I still was in a dream state that caused me to create this story about a tree skirt when it was actually just the edge of my comforter.

Also people (and I assume children) can talk and move about or even thrash in their sleep.  Usually if woken up they don’t rp_300px-Mary_Cassatt_Young_Mother_Sewing.jpgknow what they were doing and also often their speech is not understandable.  Children and adults need a safe place to sleep so that they can get their needed 7 to 8 hours for adults and even more for children.  Don’t let it be a scarey place.  I was afraid to sleep in the dark as a kid and used to sleep with a light on and a pillow over my head.  I don’t feel that I would have needed to do these things if something had not happened to me to make me afraid of the dark..  I also usually did not have this problem if I was sleeping with someone in the same bed or in the same room.  Also children who have been abused often consider the perpetrator to be a “monster”.  Someone they would have recognized in daylight that they don’t instantly recognize in the dark and what they did to them scared them so it could only have been done by a “monster” not by somebody familiar.

Should you let your past determine your future?

Should you let your past determine our future?  Well, yes and no.  Have you ever held a grudge so long and so strong that you hogtied yourself to keep yourself from doing anything different in the future?  Hate has captives.  For the rest of their lives these people think that they have no choice but to repeat the past  or to control their behavior in such a way as to avoid falling into a trap that they fell into in the past.  Have you ever heard of superstitious behavior.  This often happens when something happens just before something good or something bad happens and the person involved believes that they should either keep on doing that behavior or going into that situation or avoid it all together in the future when maybe it was just a coincidence.  This is common among gamblers and athletes.

You have a mind. Use it.  Learning should never stop and just because you have figured out one solution to a problem doesn’t mean you should always solve it that way in the future.  Be flexible, be creative.  Use the abilities that you were born with.  Don’t rely constantly on other persons solutions to solve your problem.  Just like shoes, other people’s solutions don’t always fit your situation  just like Wearing other people’s shoes  which might give you blisters, hammer toes or bunions, etc.

Now Is The Time That....

Now Is The Time That….

 

Sometimes even the “facts” that you learned as a child are erroneous and can trip you up.  With “good” parenting, children can get an accurate picture of themselves and their good points and bad points.  If parents have lots of problems themselves they can mess up their children’s lives sometimes permanently.  Get some perspective on your situation when you were home growing up and see it with another person’s eyes.  Children can often be gullible as they want to be loved and accepted. Some children have been raised by parents who still are children themselves and they may even see their children as rivals.  This does not lead to doing or saying things that are in the best interests of the child.

With the voice of authority our inner voice of conscience  often mimics what our parent  said to us when we were a child.  Others like teachers, grandparents, and neighbors can also effect not only your sense of conscience but also your self-concept whether it is good or bad.  Time for a reality check here.  Do your parents’ rules make sense now that you are an adult and on your own?  We do many things by force of habit (which is good when you are going for a bicycle rid)e.    Since most of these reactions are automatic, this makes it hard to change our behaviors even if they are self-defeating.  For example,  have you ever gotten your buttons pushed and reacted before you knew it letting the other person who pushed your buttons be in charge of your behavior?  This can be a demanding, controlling, or dependent parent or a rebellious child who does not respect you, who thinks he or she is better than you, and who wants to control you, not be controlled by you.

The harder it is to change and the more self-defeating your learned behaviors are, the more likely you should seek professional help as anger and depression can follow from a deep searching of your past experience.  It can destroy your equilibrium to delve too deeply or go too fast in your self-renovation project without good help.  I am rereading a book as I write this, Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward.  You can consult this book for more information and she also warns about applying this type of material to your situation.  She does this at the end of the book.

Date Rape Can Happen to Seniors or the Middle-Aged

rp_272680378_bd063659bc_m.jpgCaution:  you may not believe this warning but hear me out.  Just because you are newly single and female whether it is due to divorce or to the death of your spouse, you do not have to go out or spend time with any man in your life who asks you.  First of all that person is not being very sensitive about your situation and they may be assigning motives to you that you do not have.  They maybe projecting their needs and wants onto you and an acceptance by you of an invitation is seen as consent in their eyes to something more than a mere friendly outing.

Date rape is another name for a kind of rape; but the woman who gets raped has  consented to go somewhere with someone where she will be alone with him and he sees it as an invitation or opportunity  to satisfy his needs and does not accept her refusal of his advances towards her as “No”. because he sees her agreeing to go out with him as a tacit agreement to take the relationship a step further one that she finds out once  they are alone together that she is not willing to take; but feels forced to comply with to get out of the situation safely.  But of course, it is not true.  It never was safe to have to cooperate with a “date rapist.” .

This may lead to women in this situation to requiring a chaperon or only going out with other women or in groups and never getting off by themselves with a man.  Some perceive a newly divorced woman or newly widowed woman as “open season” to try to get them into bed and any response no matter how timid by the woman is seen as an acceptance of the inevitable outcome anticipated  by the man.   I am not considering that women in this situation should remain celebrate for the rest of their lives; but they have to be cautious and may not be as perceptive of  any ulterior motives in wanting to cheer them up and to get them out of the house.

rp_Carlrogers.jpgMen, not to leave you out of the equation.  I have heard of newly single men getting gifts of food delivered to their door by many different women and possibly the offer to satisfy some of their needs now they don’t have a woman in the house.  Don’t believe that these gifts and offers don’t come with the assumption that the acceptance of such gifts and offers don’t come with the implication that you want more than that from these women.

Leopards, male and female, can change their spots when they learn that somebody is free game.  With young people in some families courtships are very thoroughly investigated and chaparoned.  If you are older, this still might not be bad advice for you.  With a such an upheaval in the one’s life,  one can be very vulnerable and can often make poor decisions while he or she is already under stress.  I know of people who have done this and it seems to be best to wait a year or two before making any commitments.   When it comes to divorce, people often get into the same type of relationship they had with their previous marital partner and don’t find this out until after they have made the mistake of getting attached to someone prematurely.

No, it is not true that all men are only looking for sex in a relationship and that all women who are single want to latch on to the next free man as a meal ticket.

PS:  people often grieve after losing a relationship and grief comes in many “flavors.”  What is appropriate for one might not be appropriate for someone else.  If this happens to you or has happened to you, take your time, allow your grief to have an outlet (grief kept in can cause tremendous damage not only to the person who does this but also to the  other remaining family members that they have contact with).  Watch out for “shoulds” and quick fixes for your problems offered by somebody who really  doesn’t know what he or she is talking about.

rp_3560209936_056df083c8_n.jpgAlways  watch out for people who immediately say that they know what your problem is and that they can solve it for you.  Everybody’s problems are different.  Some people get a “charge” out of telling other people what to do and criticizing them if they don’t do it and/or decide to do something else.  A good resource is Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s material on death and dying where you will find her five stages of grief explained.  Grief occurs after divorce too.  Another resource is a group of widows and/or widowers who are all going  through the same things.  For divorced persons and widows and widowers with children, there is another  possible resource, Parents Without Partners.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgive, Forget, Let Go…

rp_Anxiety.gifForgive, forget, let go….   Taking things another step further….   If you feel that you have to forgive someone in order to let go, you might really never let go.  Could it be possible that there is nothing to forgive and the very act of forgiveness is standing in the way of getting on with your life?

I had a very nasty? teacher once.  He would rap your knuckles with a ruler if you did something that he thought deserved it.  Altogether it was a very frustrating experience and I cried many tears over our encounters.  I had just started grade school and he was a music director who got stuck teaching elementary school kids along with his other duties  as organist and choir director.  He was very temperamental as sometimes musicians and other artists are.  Teaching was probably very frustrating for him and it probably kept him from spending all his time doing what he really desired to do.  He made my life  miserable and my cousin who was also in the same class room said that he picked on me when he could have left me alone.  I admit I was a challenging child, a quick learner with a lot of creative ideas.  It was difficult to keep me busy and I questioned his authority frequently.

For a long time I could not see this situation from his point of view.  I had a very unhappy time while he was my teacher (He wasn’t the only teacher that I had that I had trouble with in elementary school.)  The point was that in my school we had almost all male teachers and I don’t think any of them thought that teaching elementary school children was their life’s work like it was for women at that time.  I had one good year i elementary school, the year I had a woman teacher.

Altogether it was an unfortunate experience and it did not help my self-esteem.  My parents were also very frustrated with me being called to the office so often and their having had to come to school to talk about my behavior with my teacher or the principal.

Altogether it was a very frustrating experience for everyone.  Now who should be forgiven, the teacher, my parents, myself?  Sometimes saying that something has to be forgiven suggests malice aforethought.  Weren’t we all doing the best we thought we could.  I no longer see myself as a “bad” disobedient child, misunderstood maybe, but not bad.  Did I have a “bad” teacher or did he do the best he could in the circumstances?

Was this teacher taking his anger out on the children in the class by expecting too much of them.  Was he angry because he was being forced to teach when he would rather have been only in charge of  music?  My parents at that time like many parents in that era worried more about what other people would think and felt that children should be taught to respect their elders no matter what they were like.rp_8619481133_df8a85fccf_m.jpg

Now that I can see more of the picture should I continue the anger and frustration by thinking that I have to forgive my elders for what they did to me when I was a child or should I let go with the understanding that they were only people that didn’t know better.  To me forgiveness can require a lot of time and energy and it has the flavor of  something that I must do for my own and others’  good.  Letting go does not suggest that what they and what I did were right but that there was a lot of misunderstanding and confusion involved.  Also to some extend, I was more concerned about what happened to my brother and cousin when they were in this teacher’s class with me.  It is always more frightening to see somebody else get hurt when you are not them and don’t know how badly they might be suffering when you already know how painful it has been for you in the situation.

Hatred, anger when attached to letting go makes it a greater burden than it has to be.  What might remain a burden for the “offender” to deal with no longer becomes one for you.  The biggest satisfaction an offender might have is not doing the dastardly deed but the fact that the victims have to deal and live with the consequences forever.  When it comes to this, the victim has to let go as the offender no longer has them in his or her grasp.  I realized a couple of years that after my divorce many years ago, that I was still cogitating over how my ex had treated me towards the end of our marriage and how unhappy I was. and that he may have gone on merrily without me and started his life over forgetting I ever existed.

If you come from the northern  part of this country, you may know about mosquitoes and how badly their bites itch and how you can create even bigger sores and create more irritation by scratching them,  People who get them often feel they are helpless and can’t leave them alone.  Often the next step is that you stop going outside in mosquito season and wound up being cooped up inside in the house during the hottest part of  summer without air conditioning.  Wouldn’t it been wonderful if you could have avoided that?  You can avoid something similar by letting go of old past hurts.

Don’t regurgitate, don’t do what cows do and chew your cud again and again.  Yes, learn from your past experiences but don’t let them monopolize the present or scar the future.  Sometimes you don’t have to forgive you just need to let go and take what the future brings an opportunity to do something different and new.

rp_Cult_and_Ritual_Abuse.jpgCAUTION;  A HISTORY OF SEVERE PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE AND SOMETIMES EVEN SEVERE MENTAL ABUSE REQUIRES PSYCHOLOGICAL TREATMENT AND SHOULD NOT BE HANDLED ON ONE’S OWN.  Abuse can also happen when you are an adult.  Also do not let the abuser dictate how you handle the abuse.

 

 

Robin William’s Suicide, Completely Misunderstood!

(No media have been added because to do so might  make light of this tragedy by focusing on the “clown” not the person.)

Laugh clown, laugh.  Could it be that comedians and persons with depression who commit suicide are some of the most misunderstood people in the world.

We all enjoy laughter.  It has even been proven scientifically to help people fight cancer.  Why do we laugh when others put themselves down?  Why do we laugh when we put ourselves down or worse yet why do others put us down and expect us to laugh about it?

What people don’t realize is that if people feel threatened enough to put us down that we may be more powerful and talented than we think.  Otherwise why we would be seen as such a threat?

Things people say about us create mind chatter.  It may even have a little truth in it.   Also most of us  believe it is better to laugh than to cry.  But why would someone who loves us do this to us anyway?

Have you ever been told that you don’t have a sense of humor when other people make jokes about you at your expense.  Maybe it is a way for comedians to control being put down this when they make fun of themselves.  Other comedians ridicule others to get the same thing.

Deep underneath what does it do to one’s self-esteem?  As the thoughtless mind chatter is repeated over and over, it can become the truth at least from our point of view and maybe others too.  Ridicule is not funny and eats at your insides.  It is worse enough when others do it to you but what about when you do it to yourslelf.  Traitor!

When you get real good at it, how can you stop yourself when other people begin to expect that you will put your show on any time, any place.  Can you imagine a comedian at his or her spouse’s funeral making a joke of it.  I can. What a Sad Sack.

If you get recognition and also re-numeration for it; it must be be worthwhile  and it often becomes who you are.  Then why are you so unhappy?  Why would you commit suicide to get out of the situation?  You can’t or shouldn’t always take work home with you; but comedians do.  On top of that no one wants to cry with you when all they expected from was a few good laughs.

Imagine a prostitute who doesn’t enjoy her work.  Doesn’t a comedian somewhat prostitute him or her self to make it in the world.  You can’t just pretend to be or act happy to be happy.  Only the real thing works.

On top of this, put depression, the dark night of the soul when a person feels hopeless, like the worst person in the world ,and possibly even deserving of hell if they commit suicide,  even if it doesn’t seem reasonable to others.  It is a job  hazard associated with being a comedian especially if the depression feeds a dark sense of comedy which makes other people laugh at and accept him or her.  This could be considered as reinforcement for being depressed.  Drugs are also a way to self-medicate and they work for awhile but eventually can  lead to self destruction and death and/or an “accidental” way of committing suicide.

Add to this the possibility that a person is not only severely depressed at times but also has manic states, possibly extreme manic states, which fuel their comedy and creativity and impair their judgment.  Often to medicate this state results in killing the goose that lays the golden egg.

Please do not condemn Robin Williams for ending his life as he saw it and not as we think we understand it.  Aren’t suicidal people often in hell on this side before they ever go to the other side?  Who are we to condemn them?