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How Vulnerable Are You To Other People’s Complaints About You?

(Coming post.)

You know most of us wear sunscreen when we go outside; but do you know that besides being vulnerable to the sun’s rays, we are also vulnerable to other people’s criticisms.  What you don’t know is that many people are more vulnerable to criticisms about things they are already doing.  Isn’t it interesting that when we are already doing something, we are more easily hurt by disparaging comments about our lack of effort put into doing those things than we are about things we don’t don’t focus on?

Diamond Rings And Things

(In Process)Do you have things like diamond rings, houses, and cars.  If you keep them, you have maintenance fees, taxes, storage space, and how often and how much do you use them.  Do you want to tie up your time and money providing for these things?  How many of these things do you really still want and the flash and the bang that you first had when you got these things may have faded away.

Do you have things like diamond rings, houses, and cars.  If you keep them, you have maintenance fees, taxes, storage space, and how often and how much do you use them.  Do you want to tie up your time and money providing for these things?  How many of these things do you really still want and the flash and the bang that you first had when you got these things may have faded away.

Do I sound like a liberal or a conservative?  Maybe both!  If all those stars and financial bigwigs who have more than one domicile like Oprah could share or give up holding onto these places so other people could use them.  How many people could be housed?  People need food water and sanitation as well as a well-insulated roof over their heads and some well-insulated walls on a solid foundation. The chance to live somewhere there is not a fire fight every night with stray bullets available to kill innocent people like bystanders.

Yes, important people having these places generate more jobs but how many of these people have American citizenship and get decent wages and work decent hours.  Also, how are these people treated?  Do we treat the least among us like we treat the highest among us?  What kind of a world have we created?

I value pretty things and I have a glass collection.  I enjoyed the hunt and the purchase of each piece.  I would like it to stay a collection when it is passed on.  Would I commit suicide, if a tornado hit this house and destroyed every piece, no!  If I lost my cat or dog, I would grieve and if it was a person, I would never forget..

Pretty pretties, collectable cars, mansions filled with gold, silver, and precious gemstones.  Do they make up for the lack of love and affection in someone’s life and a cold atmosphere of negative thinking even thunderstorms of anger?  I would like a little cuddle now and then, a smile or a grin.  Sex that is not a competition of who could get the most orgasms or the most handsome or beautiful partner.  People who have nothing in common and who don’t want to have anything in common with their partner pair up for the mechanical act of sexual relations.

These relationships should ensure that both partners wind up feeling closer to the other and wanting to repeat the experience.  The partners get to know each other and they are not together just to have sex.  Love, affection, respect, and cherishing are part of the glue that holds the relationship together.  It is not just a chance to have a child or to take care of a hard-on generated by lust.

Children are not dolls just to be dressed up and showed off.  Rich families in the past often did this and the children wound up being closer to their nanny than to their parents.  (Now it is the babysitter.)  “Children should be seen and not heard” used to be the motto.  Parents can become more involved in things than their spouse or their children.  I dated a guy once who was in at least one bowling league every night of the week.  Guess where he took me?

In conclusion to put it in a few words:  “When is enough enough?”  Why are many people decluttering their homes and some even their lives?  Why are we constantly encouraged to get rid of “out of date” but probably not worn out clothing and furniture and accessories?  I have always thought some sort of storage place should be available for things that were no longer useful to one person or family could be put and those who needed something might look there first.  Of course, the number of second-hand stores has grown and also some people routinely check the clearance aisles in stores.  Some people have recently been forced to do this and others have been doing this for a long time even when it was not an “in” thing to do like me!



Shame The Great Manipulator, The Great Trap Of Unworthness

I was raised on shame.   It was my claim to fame.  I was not recognised for what I did well, but for those things I did not do so well.  I was also convinced over time that I could not do them well and when that happened that people would give up on me.  I thought there were only so many things in life that other people would approve of and that I was not capable of doing them well enough to make other people proud of me.  I was recognised for what or where I could not meet up to other people’s standards and I felt like I was a great disappointment to my family so much so my relatives did not want other people to know that I was related to them.

I was so easily made to feel shameful that I was bullied, I was suicidal, and I was made to feel that I could never meet up to other people’s standards (of which there was only one set) and I would ultimately be rejected and thrown out on the street if that was possible.  There was only one person to blame and that was me and I didn’t know any different.

Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?

Worse yet I realized that in sexually inappropriate situations the victim (that was me) was always the one who should feel ashamed and had something to hide instead of the reverse.  Getting caught in a sexually compromising situation was something I should cover up, sneak out of, and pretend didn’t happen even though I now know it qualified as sexual abuse.   It was something to be covered up and forgotten if possible.

Brene Brown with her doctorate in Social Work found that we have three shields that we can use as shields against shame.  We can forget or not talk about what we see as a shameful situation.  Men will tell you that they are not comfortable talking about certain things that happened to them as they were growing up or even later in life such as post-traumatic stress syndrome and even had pushed these things so far out of mind that they did not remember them.

Another shield against shame mentioned by Dr. Brown was appeasement.  If someone is dissatisfied with you or something you have done, you try to make it up to them or make them so happy or satisfied in another way that they will forget that you did not or might not make them happy.  Another word for this might be “brown nosing”.

Another possibility would be going towards or against the person or situation that makes you feel shameful and take it out aggressively toward them or it.  This is the third shame shield mentioned by Dr. Brown.  Could the liberal Democrats’ behaviour after the election of President Donald Trump be an example of this?  Are they ashamed that their candidate did not win over such an unlikely candidate?

Sometimes our entire life can be motivated by shame and others can get what they want us to do by shaming us and can feel better about themselves by winning over us in this way.  I have often felt that being a woman, especially a woman professional, made me a target for this sort of thing.  If a woman can do it (what I did) it must be something easy to obtain and therefore not worth much.  The step between someone with a Masters degree and a Ph.D. must be pretty easy if she can do it.  I did not attend the graduation ceremonies when I received my doctorate (because it was not such a big deal)?

Postpartum Depression Doesn’t Only Occur After Birth, It Can Happen After A Miscarriage As Well As After A Still Birth. What A Crying Shame!

(Coming post.)  It can also drive a sane woman crazy.  One of the most misunderstood and mis-treated psychological problems a woman can face.

Your Values Are Valuable


Your values are valuable and so are mine.  Corporations often have a mission statement that they put out there so people in the corporation and people outside the corporation can know what they are working towards so they can know if they are missing the point.  If you or the people you are associating with don’t know what you are working for in life, we can certainly get lost if we don’t know what we think is important or if we don’t review these goals regularly to see if we are hitting or missing our mark.  Many of us have a “To Do List” so we can’t forget to do something important in our everyday lives so maybe we need a list of the values we are working on that we can reference every day.

I started out with the ten commandments, but then I realised there were more things written in the Bible that I might need to follow.  Here is my list of resolutions that I made after I was baptised recently:

  1.  Don’t criticise people unless it would really be helpful to them and only then.  Usually, your criticisms reflect more about what is wrong with you than what is them.  I still have a problem with people whose gender identity is confusing.  What does that say about me?
  2. All people are God’s children including the mentally and physically disabled, and also the economically impoverished and educationally lacking,  and they deserve equal respect with those who are elevated by fame, fortune, etc. in our society.
  3. Don’t gossip and don’t listen to gossip.  If it is none of your business, then it is none of your business.  People around me gossip and I don’t have to join in or choose to listen.  Better yet I should state why I won’t do it and then follow through and leave.
  4. Fame, wealth, and power should not be my goals in life.  The collection of worldly things and of powerful or famous friends should not be of the highest importance to me.  Recognition should not be a goal in itself.  If you do something if possible do so anonymously.  Who you do something nice for should not be chosen for any reason but that they are there.  Pay  It Forward.
  5. Keep negative things like criticism and withholding love, out of your head.  For some reason, we are afraid to give love.   It is like we think we have a limited supply of it.   Actually, I believe “love” is something that grows.  The more you give the more you have.  Keep score.  Do you think or say more negative things than you do positive ones?
  6. Anger is something you should express and possibly feel only rarely.  People with road rage feed their own fires and then another driver comes along and instead of letting them get away with something stupid, they do something rash and cause a crash.  Is it worth it?
  7. Filling our minds with envious thoughts, regret, shame, worry, and doubt creates a cesspool of yuck that we keep revisiting when there is no need to do so.  People don’t have to call us names, react angrily to what we do, we can do this to ourselves.  Children pick this up quickly, especially when they are called names and spoken about negatively.  A child soon learns to berate themselves about these things.  Before a child has a chance to do or even learn anything, they are told what they can’t accomplish.  For example, telling a child and remarking to other adults that that child has no common sense and sometimes even going further and saying that the child will never learn common sense either.
  8. Holding people responsible for people committing hate crimes, especially ones committed with us as the target; keeps us from going on with our life.  Things are not always fair.  The boss has the option of firing you for no good reason except maybe you are his or her competition or they want your job for a friend or family member.  When it comes to firing, it is a question of what happens first, someone quits or someone gets fired.  It can often come as a complete shock for the person who gets fired.  Again it is a question of who gets more bank for the buck, the person doing the firing or the person who resigns and who gets a chance to tell someone off and walk off.
  9. Treat yourself the way you would like to be treated.  Often we treat others (including pets) better than we treat ourselves.  You are valuable.  Take good care of yourself, you belong to me.

Take a look at this and if you value your body and overall mental and physical health, you might find some good ideas here:


The Only Person You Can Not Besmirch Is One Who Is Already Dirty

The only person whom you can not besmirch is one who is already dirty.  Such things only stick to those who are already not covered in filth.  Currently, people are trying to do this to President Trump’s son-in-law and the only reason that they are succeeding is that he is lily white.  The Democratic 2016 presidential candidate has so many crimes to answer for that it is hard to think of a possible new one that would surprise anybody.

Also, this upsets the person who is lily white as they have nothing to be accountable for.  Their raiment is bright and clean and can easily show stains while accusations made toward someone like Hillary hardly show up as there are so many spots and stains on his or her gown.  Influence peddling, letting embassy staff die because she did not send reinforcements, people suspiciously dying that she knows.  For example, a person known by her for getting in her way is killed on the street and no robbery took place.  Finally, there is the private server fiasco.

This is all just my opinion and supposition.  Could the president’s son-in-law be an any better target for Russian influence peddling?  Also, it takes one to know one.  What about the accusers themselves?  What are they hiding?  Is the Trump administration too busy defending itself that it can’t point fingers at the Democrats or investigate the past Obama administration?



Trash Collecting.

(Preview)  Only you can determine what gets in your brain.  What you focus on and what you concentrate on gets wired in your brain and makes it difficult to think differently.  Let it go.  You are your own worse enemy.  Talk to yourself.  Do you want that kind of junk wired in your brain?  What are you concentrating on?  Be self-observant.  You can control what goes in and out of your head.  You may need new software and new data.  We make ourselves unhappy.

I have made two new resolutions right now in the middle of the year.  The first is to stop saying that I am sorry.  The people that most often say that they are sorry are the ones that don’t need to do it.  Saying you are sorry can become a compulsive thing, an automatic reaction to a criticism or a complaint from someone else.  It can even be a symptom of emotional abuse.

I thought I had broken that habit when I developed asthma again and I realised that coughing or whatever I do because I am sick does not need to be apologized for.  I didn’t do it to draw attention to myself or to interrupt anything that is going on around me.  But it was a habit leftover from when I had asthma as a child.

The second is to stop focusing on what needs to be fixed or replaced or on what others have that I don’t have that I would like or even need to have.  Wastes a lot of time and doesn’t change anything.  Being a Christian, I have offered these concerns up to God and have gone on with my life.Ruminating on these sort of things doesn’t make them happen or make them reverse themselves.  It just wastes my time when I could be focusing on something else or just opening my mind up to other thoughts even inspirations.

A Visitor From The Past

I have been out sick for a week as I was visited by an old visitor from the past that I had thought I had outgrown. ASTHMA. Gasping for breath is scary; but even more frightening is hearing mysterious sounds as you lay in bed that nobody else can hear. As a psychologist, I know about hearing voices and these would even wake me up in the middle of the night.  Once, I got admitted, I think the hospital staff must have thought I was crazy.  This was a strange illness because I got very sick before I sought treatment.  I did not run a temperature.  I just got out of breath.  Even my oxygen percentages were good.  My heart rate was normal.  I had just run out of steam.  However, I was very relieved when they hooked me up with oxygen; pumped me up with steroids, and admitted me from the Emergency Room.   Missed church that morning and didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day or should I say Grandmother’s Day.

Once, I got admitted, I think the hospital staff must have thought I was crazy.  This was a strange illness because I got very sick before I sought treatment.  I did not run a temperature.  I just got out of breath.  Even my oxygen percentages were good.  My heart rate was normal.  I had just run out of steam.  However, I was very relieved when they hooked me up with oxygen; pumped me up with steroids, and admitted me from the Emergency Room.   Missed church that morning and didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day or should I say Grandmother’s Day.

I am now on all sorts of asthma drugs.  I am feeling better.  I am home and laying around.  Just going to the doctor wore me out and I can’t talk too much without getting breathless.  However, I have been having some feelings of Deja Vue as I remember feeling this way as a child desperate for air and also coughing my guts up.  Must have really scared my parents.  This was a common thing for me in the winter as I grew up.

I was told I would grow out of it and I thought I did but on a rare occasion I would have that familiar gasping for breath and would have to leave where I was and do something to catch my breath.  I usually was apologetic and would leave wherever I was so as to not cause others any concern about me in order to calm down and get over the spell of being out of breath.

Scarier even yet is recently I have begun to have strong allergy reactions to air bound particles.  Fortunately, I recognised what was going on and got myself out of the situation either under my own power or with the help of friends.  I, fortunately, had begun carrying a rescue inhaler.

Also, asthma causes damage that doesn’t go away and can come back to haunt you later.   I know that wood smoke (yes, fireplaces) is difficult for me to breath; but until we started to worry about second-hand smoke, people just thought I was a party pooper if I reacted to things like cigarette smoke and wood smoke.  I could also detect strong chemicals in the air just by the way they made me feel.

I had years of bronchitis but I didn’t think of it as asthma related.  I would continue to go to go to work and would hope that I could control my cough when I had to talk to patients.  I knew that it was probably not catching and would eventually go away on its own although that might take a long time.  Once the air got cold, I had to throw a scarf around my mouth or have a coughing fit.  It didn’t help that I was a mouth breather either.

I didn’t know that I had a bunch of unhappy bronchioles swollen that wouldn’t let my air get out so I could breathe back in.  It was these guys that were making the wheezing noises I could hear.  Chest x rays didn’t show anything so that wasn’t a path to treatment either.

If you feel sick, you are sick.  Keeping going until you find effective treatment.  Don’t apologize for something you can’t help doing.  Yes, it is going to make some trouble for other people and you might be the center of attention for awhile  It is your turn to seek and receive help.  Don’t die trying to cover it up and not inconveniencing people.

P.S., I now have a preliminary diagnosis, pulmonary hypertension which was given after I had an echocardiogram of my heart.  For your information, previous to that I passed certain breathing tests with flying colors.  My oxygen percentiles were high.  They were consistently in the 90’s.  I passed a breathing test.  This was the second time I had done so.  My lung x-rays were clear ( I had two recent ones).  Therefore, I was not put on oxygen when I went home although it was very helpful while I was in the hospital.

Fortunately, my nurse practitioner had another idea about what was wrong.  She said I might be overworking my heart to keep my oxygen percentiles high.  This is what appears to be happening and it didn’t show up until I had the echocardiogram of my heart.  Curious enough I have had previous echocardiograms where it didn’t show up.  I am waiting on my heart doctor to review the findings and to confirm the diagnosis although that may take further tests.

So what is my conclusion?  It is that sometimes when you think you are sick, you are really sick and don’t stop seeking help!  Look at my case.

Does It Make Sense To Say Life Makes No Sense? How Do You Make Sense Of Life? Are You Influenced By How Others Make Sense Of Life? We Are All In This Together But We Often Try To Go It Alone.

Does it make sense to say life has no sense?  Science has theories about life which it proves or disproves. Things we thought were inanimate and dumb actually are not that way.  Animals are miraculous animate beings with strengths and skills we have never thought of.  Not only are they necessarily not like you, they have their own ways of thinking, communicating and viewing the world.  Even plants react to certain stimuli.  What about us?

Are we blocking abilities because we think we don’t have them?  Who are you really inside?  We are fearfully and wonderfully made it says in the Bible.  Why do we often reject that?  Does everything happen for a reason but we think that we are unable to figure this out.

We are unique individuals.  We all have strengths and talents as well as weaknesses.  Why do we compete with each other when we can do so much more together?  Why do we constantly pattern ourselves against some other person’s standards and achievements?

When I was trying to decide on my career (the most important path in my life at that time).  I did not discern and value my own unique qualities.  I was always encouraged to consider what other people would think.  Individuality was lost in the shuffle.  I accomplished many things but society did not pat me on my back and my family had no idea about what I was doing.

Now the meaning of life is to determine your path in life and to allow yourself to meander a little.  Also be a little bit forgiving of yourself especially in this critical, hypocritical world.  We must combat these forces that hold us back and act as brakes on our vehicle of life.  Criticism, fault-finding, and belittling other people as a way of building themselves up by other people holds us all back.

The world is full of manipulations and plots to keep us from reaching our destiny.  The average fault-finders only want to build themselves up, not you.  This sabotages cooperation and promotes the power and wealth of a few.  Their motto is there is not enough to go around and I am going to get mine before you can take it from me.  What a grand scheme for these peoples’ lives which leads to substance abuse, relationships that may sabotage them and be unfulfilling, and a focus on things, not relationships.  They are not to be trusted and because of this, they think that everybody else can not be trusted.  What a flimsy throne that kind of ideology can make.  They focus on things that can not make them happy in the long run and backfire.  Remember how Scrooge ended up in The Christmas Carol.

Thoughts On How To “Getter Done”

Thoughts on how to “Getter Done”.  (Do as I say; don’t do as I do!)

Don’t think it; do it!  How many times do you think of something without following it through?  Have you been cluttering up your mind by thinking of what needs to be done? Remember don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today!

If you see it; do it.  Do you think you are starting to become a hoarder?  Don’t question your judgment.  This happens for me with the clothes of both myself and my husband.  I am afraid, I will regret my decision later.  I either need to throw them out, give them away, or put them away.  Don’t leave it til another day.

Are you surrounded from the past and the present by people who question your decisions.  In the long run, this just makes you look like a person who can’t make up his or her mind and leaves more reason for criticism.  Remember these people, operate on the principle, “Don’t look at me, look at him or her”.

Don’t put it off.  If you can put it off, pick a day to do it before it will be overdue.  I do this with taxes.  I set a tax date with our accountant and focus on taxes the two weeks before.  If you do put it off and have to pay for it, just chuck it up to experience and do better next time.

If you go ahead and do it, do a little more each time than just what is necessary.

When you do something, throw yourself into it.  If it worth doing something, it is worth doing right.  Remember, being a critic is an easy job.  You don’t have to help somebody or even think about it.

You can practice making decisions or do something a different way or even teach yourself how to do something so you don’t have to ask someone else.  This happens to me with new appliances.  I don’t read the instruction book.  If you have lost it, you can find it online.  Then if it is broken or missing a piece or has poor instructions (The people who right the instruction books are not the people who have to use them.  Has the person who has written the instructions put themselves in your shoes or asked a person who has never used it before to try and use these instructions?

Before throwing old gadgets away that have never been used  Take some time to try to make them work but throw them away if they don’t work.

Remember to reward yourself for what you get done, not what you leave undone.  The person that is most likely to notice that you have done something is yourself.

How many projects don’t look like something until they are completely done?  Have you every watched someone put something together and it is not until is finished that a person can determine if it works or if it looks like anything?  If you are the person trying to do this, reward yourself either way because you can dispose of something if it is useless and can’t be made to work anymore.  Give it the old heave-ho.

Don’t overthink it.  Is the task worth the extra time you spend on trying to get it right?  Remember practice makes perfect.  Children don’t do this.  When they have an idea when they are playing, they just do it.

I have spoken about mind clutter.  Now you know you can do something about it and you can use that time to fly-fish or meditate bother productive tasks!  You can even make your downtime productive and do things you didn’t have a chance to do.

My mother had one good rule.  As a young daughter, I had many “projects” and instead 0f having me put everything away at the end of the day, she had me group my tools and materials together and put them up somewhere (this also kept people from tripping over them) where I could go get them and work on  it another day.  This also kept me from losing them and having to find everything again I needed the next day.

Stop doing things that you don’t think are necessary like making your bed in the morning instead of straightening the covers before you go to sleep.  My mother (God Bless Her Soul) used to iron the sheets.  Who does that anymore?  Remember bedrooms in advertising have been staged to make them look neat clean and very desirable.  Bedrooms don’t look like that only if you have rented one in a hotel and you are just coming in the door.

Best suggestion I have ever heard.  If you are having surprise company, before you go to the door stick your vacuum in the middle of the floor like you have just started to clean the room or turn your Roomba on.  I don’t know about you, but my vacuum is already in the living room by the front door as we don’t have a coat closet.  See; I am ready for anything.

If you are doing something, just do it.  Don’t think about what you did not do yesterday or what you have to do tomorrow.  It is a good idea to have a notepad handy (either electronic or paper) on which to write things down that you want to remember but can’t do anything about now.  YHow about trying to learn Lincoln’s Gettysburg address and loading the dishwasher.  Now I can sing or listen to hymns while I work because I might want to sing them in church someday as a “special”.