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Monthly Archives: July 2013

Rules To Become A Better Person

English: Graphic on forgiveness

English: Graphic on forgiveness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What rules do I have for being a better person?  I answered this question in a post of another website.  Some are easily remembered and others I often am only reminded of when I do not follow them.

Rules To Become A Better Person:

Don’t pass judgments on others.  This means too that I will keep a rein on any criticizing.  As the Bible says, “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone.”

To forgive all wrongs that have been done to me and in doing so practice extreme forgiveness.  Not to hold a grudge.  Not to carry resentments against others.  Going even further this means forgiving every person whose behavior I have let effect negatively me in some way even going so far as to forgive radical terrorists.

Ask that what happens be not just for my own good but also for the good of others.

To work on keeping the word, “should”, out of my vocabulary.  That is more for my own good than the good of others.

Keeping a good attitude towards life.  Expecting the best instead of the worst.

To keep the amount of worrying that I do down to a minimum.  If I must think about potential problem, let it be in order to plan ahead.

To constantly wish for the best for others (and for myself and my loved ones).

To remember humans are not God’s only creations and to treat those in the animal, plant, and also the mineral kingdom like I would like to be treated.

To rejoice in the blessings that others receive and to be happy for them.

To put the best construction on everything.  That is to not always assign evil motives to others’ actions.

Not to let fear or anger take over my life and determine what I do and say.  Going even further, to not let fear paralyze me or anger turn into murderous rage.

To routinely meditate and practice having a quiet, peaceful mind.

Along with meditation, to keep an open mind and to never stop learning.  You will never know what you might discover.  Don’t limit yourself to studying under one teacher or mastering one spiritual discipline.

To love others as I love myself.  To bless all who I come in contact with and all who inhabit this place with me.

To love myself first and foremost and if I love myself, I will follow these rules.

To respect myself.  In order to do this, I need to act, think, and be that which I inwardly and spiritually need to be.

To practice self-discipline in everything I do since I am the only one responsible for my life and what I accomplish.

In other words, if I were God, what would I like for me to be?  With God, all things are possible; alone, I am only an imperfect being.

I have not been extremely pithy in doing this; but I will continue to think about this and revise my list as necessary.  I am not being God, I am just being what God wants me to be and it is the best thing for me.  Stay with me on my journey to self-realization and see if I can help you with yours.

Additions:

To love, respect, and honor children and (don’t forget) adolescents as well.

Above all, don’t  deliberately lie whether by omission or commission especially to yourself, your significant other, and your children when older and your parents when younger.

To not categorize people, whether by age, sexuality, cultural background, financial status,  political or religious beliefs or by the judgments of others.  I made it a point in school to not absolutely accept the judgments of teachers by what other people said.  I often found somebody’s difficult professor was a good one for me.  Also when I do put people in categories, I often am drawn into a situation where I have intimate contact with someone I categorized negatively.

Be discriminating when necessary, but not judgmental.

To consider that we all are equally loved and accepted in the eyes of God and we all have equal potential to be able to live up to what God expects of us.

 

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Past, Present and Future Which Is More Important To You?

Past, present, and future which is more important to you?  What do you spend your time thinking about?  You can’t change the past; you can just reinforce the effect that it has on you in the present and thus on the future.  Have you ever thought I can never live that down?  Do you realize that the person who hurt you has long forgotten about what they did and maybe even didn’t know or care at the time if your feelings were hurt?  The longer some people live, the more they have to regret.  Soon your memory is clogged with memories of the past leaving no room for the present or the future.  How many stories have you had repeatedly told to you by someone about their unhappy or unfortunate past?

Things of the present in front of the people o...

Things of the present in front of the people of the future (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or of the past, present, and future, is the future more important to you?  You may feel you have to be prepared for what misfortune the future might bring.  Worry can eat at your guts and tear at your insides and because of this are you really any more prepared when and if disaster does strike?  Yes, it might be silly or stupid to not plan at all for the future; but anxiety often does not help you to be anymore prepared for it.  In fact, anxiety can cause you to procrastinate in doing so and to wind up even more unprepared than you would have been.

Perhaps disaster does strike in the present moment.  Would you have paid an even bigger price if you had lived your life up to that point filled with dread for what might happen?  How many horrible things were created and experienced by your fertile mind when you could have been possiblely concentrating on the unspoiled peace and tranquility of the present moment?  In fact some people feel that the contents of your present thoughts have a lot to do with what will happen in the future, not only in a negative way, but also in a positive way.

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Attachment A Crucial Step

Caregiver

Caregiver (Photo credits: www.smartsign.com)

Attachment is a crucial step that is often neglected in determining what is needed in order to develop strong relationships between mother and father and child.  It is a rhythm that is developed between the mother or father and child at the beginning of the child’s life.  The child gives out signals as to what and when he or she needs something and the caregiver learns to recognize these signals and meet the child’s needs establishing a firm consistent bond between them.  One of affection for the parent and one of trust for the child.

Sometimes it is a difficult process if the child is cranky for some reason and inconsolable especially if the parent-caregiver does not have a support system in place to rely on besides the child or an absent partner.  Attachment is a crucial step in a child’s development.  Some children are born with a more difficult temperament than other children even though the child’s sibling or siblings may not  be this way.  Colic is frequently something that causes enormous frustration for the caregiver or caregivers and is difficult to tolerate if there is no relief possible from any support system and/or the caregiver’s frustration tolerance is low due to other stresses in their life and/or the lack of a successful attachment to their parent or parents when they were an infant.

How We Think We Need To Climb On Other’s Backs To Get Ahead

succeess&failureDo we need to climb on other’s backs to get ahead?  Why do we have to put other people down in order to bring ourselves up?  Why does success for one person have to mean failure for another?  On top of this, is the relentous push by many people in society to keep other people in their place.  My successes were hardly ever celebrated, but that fueled my drive to achieve which usually meant that somebody else lost.  Why do we need to climb on other’s backs to get ahead? Why does someone have to lose for someone else to win?

Socially I was not that successful.  I was a member of the “out group” which was made possible by the fact that there was a “in group.”  I was also bullied by the kids on the bus.  They had a lot of fun at my expense.  What made it worse was that the bus driver ( a high school dropout) facilitated this which made it even worse for me.  The kids who were teasing me made him feel accepted by the high school crowd so he did not try to stop them and ignored my plight.  It was all based on the idea that someone has to be made fun of to make someone else feel good.

To top it all off, it is better even yet if other people are envious of you and covet what you have attained.  This takes us back to feudal times when there was the Lord and his serfs.  It took a lot of serfs to maintain the Lord’s domain.  Maybe that’s why “they” want to keep ordinary people down.

It is hard to be humble and self-effacing in a world where winners are celebrated and raised above the rest.  Why do we have to climb on other’s backs to get ahead?  The more each one of us succeeds, the more we can do for the rest.

 

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Blogging, The New Journaling

Blogging is the new journaling.  Writing a journal has often been recommended as a form of therapy.  I used to  never be able to get into it (I have lots of journals that I started writing in and then quit); but give me a potential audience and I am a writing fiend!  I also can marshall my thoughts better on paper than in a discussion with someone.  On the one hand, I find myself when someone is asking me for advice telling them to read my blog and on the other hand, using that person’s question as topic of a future blog.  At the same time, my blog is an account of my journey into my own psychology and the progress I have made partly because of my writing.

St. Augustine writing, revising, and re-writin...

St. Augustine writing, revising, and re-writing: Sandro Botticelli’s St. Augustine in His Cell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am an auditory writer and I hear what I am writing in my head as I write it.  Then I reread it and make additions and revisions as I listen to them inside my head.  I add pictures and look at a preview of my blog and hopefully add visual interest to it.  When I am procrastinating and not getting anything else done, I can always write.  Anything that occurs to me during the day as well as much of the material I read adds grist for the mill.  I sometimes go back and read previous blogs and have found now and then that I have written a very satisfactory post, but don’t remember doing it.

All the reading and writing I have done has helped me in my “journaling” online.  I have spent hours dictating social histories in one pass over the telephone from my interview notes.  This may account for my auditory approach to writing.  I have always liked to learn and explore new ideas.  I have more books on self-help and mysticism than anybody really should have.  Most of my life, I have been cut off from cosmopolitian centers where people attend groups and workshops and study these sort of  things.  These many books have provided me with alot of food for thought and this knowledge has been incubated over the years and has now blossumed forth.

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Family Therapy, Entering A Child’s World

mental-health-family-therapy-counseling-sessionFamily therapy is one way of entering a child’s world.  Often when a child is being seen because of emotional or behavioral problems, family therapy is recommended.  What you might not know is that the child is often not the real problem, but a symptom of the problem.  One way of seeing this is by observing the process of family therapy.

Parents often say they are stumped.  They say that they don’t know what is causing the child’s problems.  Family therapy can reveal hidden problems by entering the child’s world.  Sometimes there is a big secret that the family is concealing from the outside world.  It is can be symbolized as “the elephant in the room”.  For example, there frequently are problems between the parents who may even be on the verge of a divorce or one or both of the parents is or are having an affair.  The child or the identified patient can also be the scapegoat.  Actually there maybe another child in the family who has bigger problems than the child with the referring problem.  Often the child calls attention to him or herself by acting up distracting attention from the real problem.

Not only what is said in family therapy is important, but also what is conveyed by bodily positions, facial expressions, and gestures is important.  It is noticed and commented upon.  Where and by whom a person or child sits is noteworthy.  The volume and the amount someone talks is also of concern.  Whether or not someone responds to another’s comments or questions is noted.  Whether or not a person’s facial expression is conveying something different than what they ares saying can be worthy of interpretation.  Family therapy is fertile ground for exploring and entering a child’s world.

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Meditating For Me The Easiest Solution

awakening-prologue.holosyncjpgI can’t remind you often enough.  There is a free Holosync CD offered by Centerpointe Research.  (See link at the bottom on the left side.  Click there.)  It finally got me started meditating, really meditating.  The testimonials blew my mind and were so fantastic I could hardly believe they were true.

I have never found any people any easier to work with.  Their support
staff is wonderful.  At the beginning, they have a free on-line course
and you are encouraged to discuss your responses and reactions to it
with them.  Also there are support letters that accompany different
stages of the program and there are often several freebees included with each level.

I am not through with the entire program as there are many levels and it has taken me at least six months to do each level (and they don’t recommend that you do them any faster).  Be prepared to devote some time to it.  Make it a regular practice.

When I am a good student
I spend an hour a day listening to the CD’s; but the benefits are so
good that usually you look forward to taking a break with them.  I have
also listened to them in the night when I have had problems sleeping.

The self-help benefits are so good that using the Holosync Solution can take the place of other do-it -yourself programs that you might have otherwise tried if you had not been using Holosync.  Also there are often payment plans offered for about what you might be paying out for
books and workshops for self-growth a month (usually less).

It is easy.  It is simple.  Do take advantage of all the materials offered and included with the program.  All you need is some good stereo headphones
(which you can buy from them at a reasonable price.)  and something to
play the CD’s on.  They have kept up with technology having started
with tapes, moving to CD’s, and now are using other methods of
electronic transmission.  The meditation recordings are set up to get
you going without concentrating on anything.  Just listen.  Click on the
Centerpointe link to the on the left hand side and it will take you to
the site that tells you all about Holosync and where you can order the free
introductory recording and/or the first level of the program.

Many of the ideas that I have have presented here, at
www.myeverydaypsychology.com, have come directly or indirectly from my
use of the Holosync Solution.

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Recreating Your World, An End to Negativity

alwaysrememberfocusDo you know how much time we waste dreaming up worst case scenarios that fuel our negativity?  I do.  I have a family member who does that and on top of it he/she still practices the false belief syndrome of adolescence (that he/she always will get a raw deal in life) even though he/she is past thirty years old.  What you see is what you get.  Have you ever stopped yourself from doing this?  Have you ever thought for a moment and pictured a different scenario, one with a happy ending.  How does the scenario in your head affect your behavior, do you think it might mess you up, make you more anxious or less anxious?  Your view of whether you can succeed or not may control the amount of effort you put into something because you are thinking,”I won’t get it anyway?”  Do you prepare less?  Are you more careless with your responses?

Do we ever spend more time thinking or talking about how we would like something to be than about how we are afraid things might turn out creating more negativity?  Occasionally we might play the game of spending a million dollars in our heads.  Yes, we can have fun with that; but take it further.  If something is broken imagine it fixed or even replaced or even better yet replaced by something even better.

develop-realistic-expectationWe are forever putting what we call realistic limits on our imaginations.  We think this is not creating negativity, this is thinking realistically.  Did you ever do this as a child?  No, the more fantastic the better.  Didn’t you once think (like I did) that there were things in the White House that were so advanced and fabulous that even the rich and famous did not have them yet.  I figured the president could have anything he or she wanted and he or she would be the first one to get one when a prototype was made.

Have you ever in a prayer asked God for something or for something even better (letting God, not you, put limits on what you have asked for)?  There we are back in the cycle of negativity.  I have personally experienced remodeling and adding on to a house and then picking out the perfect floor plan and specifics for the purchase of  a double-wide.  In the first case, I drew a lot of plans.  One of which eventually became the basis for a new addition.  In the other case, I collected a lot of brochures and looked at a lot of double-wides by different manufacturers.  When I started doing both of these things, there had been no plans made to do either.  Initially I was just “wishbooking” (a term for what people used to do when they first got their Sears-Roebuck catalogs).

miracle-1In this economy, it sometimes seems hopeless to wish for the best possible thing to happen and then waste your time planning for it.  It is easy to create negativity. “Ask and it shall be given you; seek and you shall find,” says the Bible.  If you don’t know what you are looking for, how will you know when you get it?  Women, would you let someone else plan your wedding without any of your recommendations and also not be able to make any of the decisions?  Men, would you want to go on a hunting or fishing trip or a photographic safari without any control over where you will be going and what you will be doing?

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Pay It Forward, Give Love Away

lightinthesouljpg

Pay it forward.  Give love away to the next person (a child especially) that you see.  You make the light in my eyes shine.  I see you from across the room.  I smile and you come to me.  It is obvious that you have made my day.  How can a child live without this?  Infants imitate facial expressions.  Help raise a child even one you don’t know.  Let them know by your facial expression that he or she has made your day just by their mere presence.  Send love to a child to day.  It costs nothing.

Take the whole thing a step further.  Works with adults too.  Smile at the next person you see.  Don’t look at them suspiciously.  Christians and other spiritual people have the love of God to sustain them.  It is like the five loaves and three fishes, the more you give away, the more you have leftover for yourself.  Get down off the shelf.  Spread love and happiness around.  The more you give away, the more you get.

Since I have been practicing this, strange things have been happening.  I got a spontaneous hug the other day from someone I didn’t know but who said they knew me.  Last night a pecan pie (oh, how I love pecan pie) appeared at the door.  It was a spontaneous gift from a neighboring Mennonite family.

Little girl serving a pecan pie.

Little girl serving a pecan pie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It doesn’t take money to pay it forward, it just takes love and a smile.  You don’t necessarily have to have an agenda.  Just try it and see what happens.  Shy? are you lacking in self-confidence?  Then just send love anonymously.  Try it on the next grumpy person that you meet.  Try it.  Light up your soul.

If you see someone having a problem, don’t make it worse.  Don’t join in with a heckling crowd.  Don’t join the crowd and express your annoyance too with a misbehaving, fractious child when an agitated parent obviously has lost control  of the situation.  If you can’t help, don’t make it worse.  Smile a look of understanding instead.  Pay it forward.  You don’t know when you might need that smile yourself.

 

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly, Our Shadow Selves

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is a well-known...

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is a well-known spaghetti western (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The good, the bad, and the ugly sides of ourselves are reflected back to us in the mirror of life.  We all have shadow selves.  They are parts of ourselves that we often deny having.  When we are vehemently for something or against something.  This tells a lot about ourselves, especially what we are against.  What we are against reflects what we fear exists in ourselves, our shadow selves.  Read more about this in a book by Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

What you absolutely can’t stand in someone else is what you absolutely can’t stand in yourself.  Control freak, narcissist, homosexual, you name it.  Anything that you dislike and can’t tolerate represents one of your shadow selves.  It is something that you fear that you might be or become.

Take the middle way as Buddha said.  Don’t give over all control to others and resent it.  Don’t always take control away from others and be hated for it.  Do everything in moderation.  Respect not only yourself, respect others too.    Spread love around but don’t forget to love yourself as well.

 

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