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Monthly Archives: September 2014

Out With The Old, In With The New Or Is It In With The Old Out With The New?

There are a lot of articles about decluttering your house, your apartment, your dorm room or your room at home.  How about decluttering your life or better yet your mind!  How long do we hang on to old ideas like old clothes, old newspapers, or worn out shoes?   We haven’t used them in the last few years or we haven’t reevaluated them recently to see if they still serve their purpose or reflect who we are.  Have you ever noticed a woman or a man who hasn’t changed their style of dressing and/or hair style since they were much younger?  It may not suit them anymore but they continue to wear them.

Now Is The Time That....

Now Is The Time That….

When we are younger, we learn rapidly and may change our minds just as fast.  Have we changed who influences us and/or what we believe? even if we have found evidence or had experiences to the contrary?  Sometimes we are even proud of this.  Yes, if it still makes sense continue to believe it.  Or do you not change your opinions or the way you practice your beliefs because of stubborness and/ or pride.  Or are you afraid that someone will find you to be easy to be led by the ring in your nose? or just plain wishywashy?  Who controls your life?  Is that what you really want?

Who controls your life?  good?  or evil?  How comfortable are you about the decisions you have made?  Are you afraid of losing your identity. of not knowing who you are any more if you realize that rp_KUWtK_titlecard.pngyou need to reconsider some of the decisions  you have made about yourself and your life.  Remember what works for one person may not work for another and you may be unhappy if you follow the crowd and continue to judge yourself by what you think that the crowd thinks is important.  Anthropology is the study of different cultures in different lands and it might surprise some people if they study anthropology that different people find different things and different behaviors necessary to be considered civilized or attractive.  In our society, consider Kim Kardashian’s  posterior anatomy which some men find very enticing.

This is especially true if a person is raised to follow some standard because of what other people might think.  This is as true of teenaged gang members as it is or was of teenagers in Beverly Hills.  Isn’t it amazing that sometimes someone will do something or wear something that is very original that will start a new trend that then it seems like everyone now has to admire and/or follow?  I was raised that way and I wondered why everybody was more important than me.  Such a thing detracts from one’s self-worth.

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There is room for a lot of different beliefs in the world if one believes in freedom.  Why do some people think that they have to destroy or convert (often by threat of death) anyone who does not believe as they do?  Diversity can be a good thing.  It is often a good thing if most people like different things and activities.  If their were no people who liked to cook how would we get something to eat?  What makes one occupation better than another?  Who would fix our toilets or collect our trash?  Is an airplane pilot more skilled than an airplane mechanic.
When my brother was in the U.S. Air Force, he told me that in the Canadian Air Force that pilots were sergeants and mechanics were lieutenants just the opposite of what was true of the U.S.
Air Force.

Another thing to consider is if we should be constantly changing to something new like the new core curriculum in schools?  It appears too complicated for elementary students to grasp or even for adults?  Who is going to help children with their math?  Homework already has been difficult enough for parents to help with.  What happened to common sense?  What happened to the freedom of school districts to determine what and how to teach something.  Different teachers have different strengths and can use different approaches to teach the same thing from other teachers or within the classroom with different students.  Why are these choices being made more and more by people who are far removed from the very situation that  they are making the decisions for.  A good leader uses his or her employees’ or supervisees’ knowledge and strengths in order to make decisions.  They also delegate authority when appropriate..

 

How You Grieve Can Not Be Predicted Nor How Long

How you grieve can not be predicted nor how long.  Also it can not be avoided or it will cause irrevocable damage.  Grief over the loss of a child can cause relationships to fail especially when  communication shuts down.  Grief can’t be easily avoided or ignored.  A person can grieve for any loss or impending loss such as the loss of a job, having a child leave home, etc.

The longest I grieved was five years (and it’s really not over yet.) and the deaths were unexpected and tragic.  I never have forgotten my dear, dear, friend (who was like a sister to me) who was pregnant and her toddler daughter who died on the way home for my friend and her husband to tell both sets of grandparents she was expecting.  Shock is hardly the word for how I reacted.  They have always been in my heart and mind and I marked the occasion for several years on my friend’s birthday.rp_3704705698_7d71898ce1_m.jpg

There are several stages of grief and a person does not go through them in any particular order.  This statement was made by Dr. Elisabeth-Kubler Ross herself at a workshop I attended.  Different sources on the internet say different.  They say that people progress through these stages in a particular order.  Actually a person can bounce back and forth between them.  A person may think that they have completed a certain stage and then he or she goes back through one of them again.

The stages are:  denial,  bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.  Denial is not being able to accept the the loss has happened or that the impending loss will occur.  Such as “No, no, he or she can’t be dead” or not accepting a diagnosis of terminal illness.  Pretending that a spouse who leaves is not gone for good and is going to come back when he or she returns to their right mind are other ways that a person can deny that a loss has or will occur.  Bargaining  is making a deal with God or other sources of power that the person will not die or some loss will not occur if the person who is doing the bargaining does some particular thing.   A person can be angry at the person or situation that caused the loss or at the deceased for leaving them alone.  Depression occurs when the person   realizes that the loss is permanent and the person left behind doesn’t know how they can be able to stand it.   Realizing that life will go on after the loss or that no matter what a person does the loss has or will occur is part of acceptance.

What is dangerous is that people who are grieving will isolate themselves and not encourage anyone to console them.  People in different stages of grieve often clash and harm rather than help each other.  People who grieve can project their anger on to others and even go so far as to seek revenge.  Many people who grieve feel helpless and unable to cope.  They can even become irrational and impossible to reason with.   Many deaths are just senseless and can’t be rationalized in any way.  For example, a random killing by a person bent on killing someone and doesn’t care who it is or a death or deaths from an auto accident killing whoever happened to be there at that place and time such as in my girlfriend’s case..

For example, years after my father died I got to see his death certificate and found that he died from multiple bed sores which was probably the fault of the nursing home.  My father had dementia and was irrational and unreasonable at times.  He remained a strong man and my mother could not handle him.  We grown children all lived away from home and she relied on neighbors and other family members to help her with him when he became aggressive.  For over a year after my father’s death, she couldn’t be reasoned with because she continued to constantly blame herself for putting him in the nursing home.   We all thought that she should have given up taking care of him by herself years earlier.  Now I know why she wouldn’t listen to us when we tried to talk to her.

You Can Get Away With It! Or Should You?

Do you ever listen in on other people’s conversations or do you ever even listen to the comments you make about others in your head! How negative are they. Why does it make us feel better to put other people down? What does it say about us if we are always putting down, criticizing, and denigrating others and ourselves? Why are we constantly bringing down our own and other people’s self-esteem? Why is gossip only juicy when it is about bad things about others.rp_291253057_150_150.jpg This can be called being defensive or self defense doing this to others or yourself before someone else can. Or is this because we are in constant competition? Can we  only get ahead by climbing on someone else’s back. Why does it seem not to make us feel good by saying something nice about somebody and/or are we afraid if we say something nice about ourselves, someone else will put us down? Do we have to hurt others before they hurt us? Is this a good form of self-defense?

Worse yet we often do this by telling lies, not the truth. Lying is a bad habit whether it’s telling white lies, black lies or lies of omission instead of commission. We have built in lie detectors that we are born with but we are taught from early on not to trust our instincts about this. How convenient this is to help enable others to tell us what to think so we really don’t know how things are when it is convenient for them to do so. For example, child molesters find this very hand a very handy way to coherse children into being victims.

No mater how convenient it is for parents to tell a child a little “white” lie how destructive can it be when other people with not so good motives in mind to be able to get away with this. For example, have you ever heard an adult tel a child an untruth just to upset them and then the adult gets a good laugh out of the child being upset because they think what the adult told them was true. Does the child have gullibility or has the child’s basic sense of trust in others been broken?

face-partsSince when has it become funny to hurt others in any way? What does doing this do to civilization? Carelessly doing this for a joke or because it is easy or convenient provides a bad example. How often in the past have we heard as children be on your best behavior when adults did not follow that example themselves. Monkey see; monkey do? How often were we told to keep this a secret if we caught an adult doing this after telling us as a child not to?  Is this a double standard?

Since when have we learned that it doesn’t pay to be honest and that telling the truth can get you in trouble? What a distorted, dishonest, ugly world we live in. In business and politics today.  It is the norm not the exception that this occurs.  It is alright if you can get away with it and if they get away with it, most assuredly they will do it again and again and again as they think that they will get away with it again and again and they usually do.

 

also liars insist that others should tel the truth as they know it wil hurt them. If you are on the wronside of the right  side, you can’t “get away” with anything but it is no problem if you are not. . Why therefore is being politically correct a one way street?  Certain people, political groups, and religions get cited for this while others do not. The former can’t get away with it while the later can! What kind of an example of justice is this for our children? No wonder they grow up mixed up with no internal standards of behavior.

9-11

Why haven’t we learned from 9-11?

Going Around In Circles Again

Going Around In Circles Again

I thought we had learned in WW II that loose lips sink ships and that nice guys finish last.  Some people don’t play by the same rules as we do and as long as we don’t learn this,  we are going to be playing catch up or worse yet we will learn that good guys finish last.  Haven’t we learned not to trust our enemies? Haven’t we been warned, “Don’t telegraph your moves?”  Isn’t the enemy laughing behind our backs right now or worse yet planning the complete destruction of the whole western world? I thought we had learned our lesson in WWII and we wouldn’t be blindsided again.  What do you think? This is what I think!

Woman for Peace

THERE ARE NO PICTURES ACCOMPANYING THIS POST BECAUSE ONES THAT ARE HORRIFYING ENOUGH TO HELP BRING THIS MESSAGE ACROSS CAN NOT BE PRINTED WHERE ANYONE WHO MIGHT BE TRAUMATIZED BY THEM MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEE THEM.

 

I am a Woman for Peace.  Are there other Women for Peace out there?  I feel that women have something unique to offer the world  that the aggressive terrorists don’t.  Why are we women, girls, and babies raped, subdued, and considered chattel in parts of the world.  Women and children there are often considered useless and unimportant.  Do you as a woman or a man consider that women basically have a different view of the world than men do.  Do you feel that when women become successful in this world, it is because they act and think more like men which is probably not helpful at this time when we need to  encourage love, care, and concern for others?  Why does society still keep women down? and consider womens’ and mens’ participation in the reproduction of the human race something to be looked down upon and not worth anything in this society?  Things are valuable because people think they are.  What can you do with a lump of gold if it was not worth anything monetarily?  I think that women can perceive this side of things better than some men.  The brains of men and women are different.  Why don’t we glorify this and use it.  It happened for a reason.

I am considering offering Second Chance  Workshops for women in the midst of life and interested  men who have taken or who want to take a woman’s perspective on things.  Actually we all have feminine and masculine sides and should own and develop both of them.  For example, I have a strong masculine? drive sometimes to prove I can do risky things like have a conversation in his cell with a prisoner who had committed several murders while in prison.  We should respect both sides and not consider either one of them useless or unnecessary.

Major religions of the world often lead to believers realizing that power for power’s sake and material wealth also for its own sake do not make a person really content.  Most people are not grateful for what they do have.  How many homes does a person need?  How many yachts, airplanes, and limousines does one need to have at their beck and call.  Famous and important people often pride themselves on who they know and who they can influence and sometimes form a tight knit little group who grant each other favors and congratulate each other on how well they are doing in acquiring fame and fortune.  Think of being in a quiet green place in nature or lying on a sandy white beach.   What does it cost really to do this and why should we keep such experiences from others?  The world was put here for us to enjoy, not destroy.  Sometimes tribes of primitive people had the right idea.  They didn’t require too much to enable them to thrive and be happy.  Often they had ways of settling disputes and problems which involved the contribution and concern of the whole group before they became catastrophes..

Pope Francis ( I’d rather call him Father Francis because he is such a humble man), Mother Teresa, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I think, are examples of people who put the welfare of others first and who do not or did not seek or require the trappings of power and wealth.   Shouldn’t people like these be our idols? not the prophet Mohammed who in his later days wrote in the Koran that people who didn’t believe like he did should be killed.  Now this doctrine has led to senseless tortures and murders  and what appears to be blood lust, a thirst which can not be quenched and motivates these believers to do more and more harm in terrible ways in order to get the same “rush” and a chance at having numerous virgins in paradise to have forced? sex with   As a psychologist, I know that sexual preditors and serial murderers require more and more horrible acts to achieve the thrill that they are seeking.  Doesn’t this posibly seem true of these terrorists and do I have to say that they are mostly men.  Do they feel somewhere deep inside that they must do something noteworthy because yes ,they have an equal part in the conception of a child but sometimes they take little or no part in the gestation of a baby, its nurturence after birth, and often also the development of an emotional bond with it.  Then why do they care for any human life if they don’t take their part in caring for a human baby before or after birth?

Comparing Yourself To Others

How often when you hear about some other person , do you enter into a self made competition with them?  Why do we always have to be better than or, worse yet, worse than somebody else.  Often when I hear good news about somebody else I automatically enter myself into competition with them.  I hear it is wonderful “so and so” lost so much weight and I think that is more weight than I have lost recently and it’s a “downer”.  I wonder if this person now weighs less than I do.  It is a matter of winning  or losing.  Maybe  I originally wasn’t  even thinking about losing weight but  now I am.  Who turned someone else’s accomplishment into a competition?  I did.

rp_7297340494_bbd50a8706_m.jpgYou are reading the Alumni news from your school and you realize you have gotten no where in life when you compare yourself to other people in your class or to all those who also had the same major as you.  Does your heart race or do you gasp for breath when you realize there is a competition going on and you might be losing.  How about when it looks like you are winning.  Who are you happy for the person whose good news you are reading about or yourself if you have done better than that person?

What is more important the goal or the process.  Should you feel that if you have not published a number of books in your life time, you have not been successful,  or is it more important that you enjoyed writing the book and you were writing about something that you felt was important.

This is not always true in other countries where what you do is considered part of a group effort and the group’s goals are more important than the individual’s.  It is your contribution to that not your individual achievement of a personal goal that is important.

Worrying about how I am doing and comparing my accomplishments against some kind of scale can take the enjoyment out of life,  Back when I was a child, I remembering enjoying participating in a team sports even if I was not one of the best players and therefore, one of the first players picked .  There was always  an atmosphere of enthusiasm and excitement and a rush that continued after the game was over even if you didn’t win.

Competition can lead to creativity but I can remember getting so “high” doing a project that in the creation  of it that I lost rack of time and the need to satisfy the basic needs for such things as food and sleep.  I had no guarantee that I was going to win or fear that I was going to lose but I was inspired and so immersed in what I was doing that I forgot about anything else.

Being so competitive can lead to anxiety if you don’t always win at everything.  I used to have to win all the games at a bridal or baby shower. I had to have the only “A” in class.   I really wasn’t a good winner, let alone loser.

The “rush” to judgment I can still feel today if I don’t stop myself and ask myself why I am being so competitive.  Why can’t we all be the best that we can be still remembering that the end doesn’t always justify the means.. success-churchill-550x240

Consider children in a family, can the success of one to mean the failure of another?  Brains, beauty, physical abilities, is there only enough to go around for one person only in a family to be considered to have it.

Can there be only one daddy’s girl or mommy’s boy or grandpa or grandma’s favorite.  There is a shortage of something here.  Is there not enough admiration or love to go around?

Competition can sometimes lead to increased effort on the one hand and the other hand it can lead to decreased effort if there is not enough attention, pride, fame, and money to go around.  Have you ever given up at something because of this?  I didn’t realize until I got out of high school that beauty often comes from knowing what to wear and being able to do your hair and makeup and knowing you look good, and having the self confidence that comes from this.rp_KUWtK_titlecard.png

It also took lots of time and effort.  Creating the look, checking out what was in style, and finding it.  Also girls had power over one another in this area and those who were on top often stayed that way by making sure that other girls would lose their position at the top of the heap.

I found out that I could look good when for a special occasion I had my hair and makeup done and had on attractive, stylish clothes.  I also learned later in life that those girls who I thought had it made often were not as confident as I thought they were and often spent a lot of  time dieting, picking out  clothes, and doing their hair, makeup and nails to maintain their “look.”  Being constantly judged like this was stressful for them and they were not always as self-confident as I thought they were.