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Monthly Archives: March 2015

Competition Is Not A Threat. It Is An Inspiration.

Food for thought.  Some of us have always wanted to be on top of the mountain while everybody is down below.  Is this through a desire to be like God so far removed from everybody, nobody can touch them.    Like we think like God thinks.  One step ahead of everybody else and knowing it all.  (Is this possible?  No!)  This a protective mechanism because we want nobody to get ahead of us so that we can control our own fate and often theirs too because it is advantageous for us..

Solve Your Own ProblemsCan you handle being God.  I knew one four year old child that couldn’t and down underneath he knew it but he didn’t want his parents to know he really thought because he had ascended to the point where he and his family controlled everything that went on in that family like bedtime, their diet, and how they felt.  Was that a good idea.  Don’t bit off more than you can chew.  It is easier if you get by with a little help from your friends like in the Beatles’ song.

You can’t know everything in this computer age and when you find it that way you still have to make sense out of the information.  Being in a tower no matter how elevated is a lonely position.  Remember  Rapunzel who got stuck in a tower in the fairy tale and had to use her long hair to bring the prince to her rescue.

Alas so we always can’t solve our own problems and maybe the competition can.  Do you give up and see this unresolved issue as a threat in stead of an opportunity to do what you do that is even better?  Competition is not a threat it is an inspiration.  You wouldn’t have an competition if it wasn’t a good idea in the first place.  Also problems are also opportunities to fix something right now that might have acted up seriously in the future.

Do you really think you can do it?  A good CEO knows when he doesn’t know something, he finds someone who does and also  that new better selling ideas from the competition can inspire him to make some needed changes in his company.   Competition is inevitable and you should expect it.  What inspired you in the first place?   It was somebody else’s success and you became competitive as you wanted to do something somebody else did only better!

 

Why Don’t You, Yes, But…..

“Why don’t you; yes, but” is from The Games People Play by Eric Bern.  As a therapist, I have hit this road block many times in therapy.  No matter how obvious it is that a change needs to be made before a problem can be solved; the patient won’t make the change and/or even consider that a change should be made when things are not working out right.  For the counselor, it is like banging one’s head against a brick wall.

Many real estate brokers have this problem when they tell a client that they can’t meet all their demands and something’s got to give before they can find a property to buy.  I have a friend who needs to move closer to family and to find a house and possibly some yard that is easier to keep.  It is like an accident waiting to happen.   Due to their location and inability to care for their property, something really bad could happen like one of them could fall and the other one might not be able to help them and there might not be anybody to help them.  This could be a tragedy in the making.

Change is opportunity and it leaves room for something new and possibly better to take place.  Sometimes I have not made changes until I was forced into them against my will and then things were able to happen that changed my life in a way that I might have not expected.  Sometimes you need to share your gifts with new people in different places.  Or maybe you are too comfortable and don’t want to trade for something that might be worse than what you have become accustomed to.

Learning or opening up to something new might be slow and difficult at first.  Have you ever learned a new hobby like genealogy?   Could you take one of your “Why don’t you?  Yes buts,” and just do it  and see what happens?

People also have “I never’s,” that is something that they would rather die than do..  Often these start early in life as a defense mechanisms from some early trauma.  It worked then but does it still work now?  Maybe you have never had surgery and don’t want to and then your child needs an organ transplant and you are the only match.

Is it “Look before you leap,” or should it be “Leap before you look” and expect the best.  What you think you are going to get is only a hypothesis and it has to be tested before you know it is true.  It is also possible that you can’t make a change without making room for it and giving something up.  You might have a magnificent collection of something and don’t want to part with anything in it until you find a new treasure that you need to make room for.

 

 

Depressed People, Fragile? Or Dangerous? Or An Easy Target?

Did you know that depressed people can be very rageful; but don’t feel that they can get it out or let it out.  To hate yourself so very much that you feel that you should die like Jesus so somebody else (anybody else) could be saved.  Depression is exceedingly complex and the depressed person is exceedingly perplexed.  To die; but at the same time to get revenge by taking somebody else with you either someone you hate or someone you love. People who have not been depressed, don’t understand this and never will unless or until they have been on the dark side.

Adolescents’ egos are very fragile and what they feel at the moment can be so overwhelming that they may kill themselves and make the biggest mistake of their lives.  They can be so humiliated that they can’t face other people if the other people find out how they have been humiliated.  They don’t expect support and/or understanding just humiliation and defeat.  It really doesn’t help if other people know this can happen and use it to humiliate them.  The part of the brain that considers long-term consequences is not fully developed yet in adolescents and even in some young adults.

My ex sent me a Christmas card (like one we had sent out the Christmas after we were married)  after he had gotten remarried less than a year after we got divorced.  No, I was not married at the time; but I did express my anger in a somewhat more appropriate way by throwing darts at the card and destroying it, not myself.  Thank God, I no longer was an adolescent or a very young adult at the time.

P.S. :  I don’t recommend that anybody get remarried less than two years after they break up with someone or lose someone.  One should not make any changes that they can not undo either during this period of time.  I know of widows who have done this and regretted it.  There is a strong desire not to have to live alone and one’s ability to make such an important decision may be impaired.  Some people know this and take advantage of someone in this situation especially if there is something to gain by making this liaison.

P.P.S.:  WARNING IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE THINGS HAPPENING EITHER WITH YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY!  Call your local suicide prevention service hotline, local mental health center emergency number, local hospital emergency  room number or immediately go to the emergency room.  Call 911 to get emergency information on who to contact or where to go for help.

 

 

Have You Been Brainwashed As A Child To Not Notice Certain Things?

Have you been brainwashed as a child?

Have you been brainwashed as a child?

Have You Been Brain Washed As A Child?

It is likely that you have.

In order to understand our world, we quickly accept our parents and others views of the world and begin to reject or deny those things that don’t fit these preconceived notions.  How much evidence from our own senses do we reject in order to fit in?  Researchers have found that sounds not used in our native language atrophy  if we don’t use them.  How many other things atrophy from disuse.  Our caregivers teach us what to pay attention to and what not to pay attention to and thus, limiting what we take in in terms of our senses (normal vs. paranormal?).  Yes, if some limiting does not get done, a child will be confused by all the input coming from his or her senses and his or her ability to pay attention will be impaired.

rp_300px-TV_highquality.jpgFor example, still today professionals in my field, psychology, deny that children see monsters in their rooms when they try to go to sleep and give advice to parents that they should reassure their children, when this happens, that this is not so, and not to  encourage them to make a big deal of it.  This can make children doubt their senses and this can be seen as a form of manipulation.

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When Things Are Black And White

Recently I have discovered that this is not true.  Things do look different in a darkened bedroom with only a little light from a night light or from the hall through a barely open door.  Our pupils dilate in these circumstance and we can see more with less light.  True, it is the multitude of  black and white sensors (which are called rods) in the retina that perceive this as they are the most sensitive in this type of situation of low light.  Also their accuracy in perceiving things is only fair unlike that of the cones which are not operating. Cones perceive things in bright light and do so with a lot more accuracy than the rods which take over and dominate when there is not much light.  Part of the reason for this is that there are more rods than cones.

Sweet Dreams?

Sweet Dreams?

I’ve tried this out in my bedroom in the middle of the night and things don’t look the same as they do when the room is well lite.  I often initially have difficulty figuring out what things are, even familiar things like my spouse laying besides me.  I am an adult and I know that this is happening.   What about about a child who naturally sees things differently when the light is dim and he or she may see formless shapes that don’t look familiar and is scared.  A parent denying that this happens doesn’t make it go away and further more it doesn’t change what and how children see in their dimly lite bedrooms.  It just encourages them to deny that what is really happening is true.

When Is Reassurance Necessary?

When Is Reassurance Necessary?

Often the child learns that asking for reassurance doesn’t work.  It just teaches them to keep it to themselves and to be afraid of the dark like I was as a child.  The only time I could sleep comfortably is when there was another person staying in the room with me or when I had a low wattage light nearby where I could see it.  This fear can spread farther if parents’ continue to tell children to deny what they see and how it makes them feel.

Can You "See" What he is feeling?

Can You “See” What he is feeling?

For awhile there was a lot of research on the “double bind”and how it was often found in families of schizophrenics (which is a serious mental illness) and their ability to think and reason is also often impaired.  A family member would say one thing when he or she  obviously looked like and or sounded like he or she meant something else.  For example, by holding a small child at arm’s length and saying, “I love you.”  Sometimes adults’ think that they are being polite when they do this and often people are trained to not “see” this or if they do, to not comment on it.  This can completely mix up a child’s brain.   He or she can not be confident that what they are seeing and/or hearing  is what they are actually seeing or hearing.

A Perplexed Child

A Perplexed Child

Genuineness can become a rare commodity if this is constantly done.  The child’s gut feels one thing when he or she is told that the person with them is not feeling that way.  Lately people have been told to trust their intuition or instincts more.  So many people have shut off that “still small voice” so often that they don’t hear it anymore.  How often have we been taught not only what to think, but also what to feel.  Does the word “propaganda” sound familiar?  It starts when parents are uncomfortable with children who see and feel things  like they really are and that is not what the parent wants the child to see and hear.  This makes them uncomfortable because they don’t want a child to feel or think that way for some reason.  What is the difference, if any, between this and outright deliberate lying?rp_Feelings.jpg

We naturally are able to perceive many different things and people find it easier to deny this ability in others so they can control them, not only what they do, but also what they think.  We are not a bunch of sheep who must be herded in the direction that the “shepherd” wants us to go for his or her own convenience or nefarious ends.

How often have we heard the response, “No, I am not angry,” when a person obviously is.  Lying is often a convenient thing to do.  It aids in the manipulation of others and has almost become a way of life for many if not all people.  In this society we continually put people down and this most often happens after we have encouraged someone to tell the truth.

rp_Is-Status-More-Important-Label-LB-1981.gifDon’t put people down.  There are enough people doing it already.  Bring them up instead.  No wonder we are so sensitive.  Sometimes I feel that I should be wearing a suit of armor.  This is often done in childhood when it is most easily done.  Children are innocent and don’t realize what is being done to them.    Do people put other people down just so they can bring themselves up?  Sounds phony doesn’t it?

What do you think?  Continuing to explore this issue, was your childhood family motto:”Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?”  More on this in a future post.