I have been investigating problems with getting positive responses in marriage. I have read that being angry can often make you lose in a marital argument. That is if you are female. If you are male, it often is a different story. When a female is angry with a male, she can be seen as irrational, illogical and overly emotional. Women often are afraid their security is in jeopardy and if their mate disagrees with them, they are afraid their security is at stake.
Women in our society have been encouraged to meet a man’s needs so that the men will depend on them and thus the women will feel more secure in the relationship. This can lead to a woman feeling she is unable to meet her own needs if they don’t coincide with her husband’s needs. Even worse, a woman may not know what her own needs are; because she has put them on the back burner so often.
Women also, if there are children in the family, put their childrens’ needs before their own for the children’s sake. At birth, children can only survive if their basic needs are met: food, shelter, temperature, safety from harm, and also (in the case of human offspring) affection. Many, many years ago, a mother spent ten days in the hospital recovering from giving birth. The child was kept mostly in the nursery. Now it is in one day and out the next. Caring family and friends can alleviate this problem by helping out for the first week or two.
Women often learn that it is important to meet her husband’s and children’s needs first so much so that she becomes emotionally bankrupt. Also, how many women have it pounded in their heads that they must meet their husband’s sexual needs or else he will go elsewhere to get them met. This threatens her sense of security big time. Also, for women’s sexual needs to get met, she has to know what she wants to accomplish in a sexual relationship and how to get it done.
Men often have a lot of practice learning how to be satisfied sexually and very little experience focusing on what really arouses a woman and brings her to climax. Too much faking goes on especially on the woman’s side. If too much time is spent meeting the male’s needs, then a woman may give up trying to get her needs met and falsely tell her male partner that she has come to orgasm after he has come to orgasm first because she is tired, possibly even bored, and no longer interested in sex and having an orgasm; because men often know what needs to happen for them to ejaculate and do their duty.
Sexual arousal for a woman can be a different ball of wax and possibly neither she nor he knows what makes a woman “tick” when it comes to sex. Unfortunately, men often think that they know it all when it comes to sex and they only have one-half of the picture and women often don’t disabuse men of their ideas about sex for women as being similar to theirs.
I am older; but I have yet not completely grown up nor am I set in my ways. You can always learn something. At this time, in this society, knowledge is growing by leaps and bounds. What we once thought true is not necessarily true now. Join me in this fascinating journey as I make my way into the future. Sometimes these people are even married to each other.
Yes, sometimes I learn things now I wish I had known and used when I was younger. Most people experience some bumps in the road in their marriage when they retire. I did and still am. That doesn’t mean you can teach old dogs new tricks I hope. I am still adding to my self-help book collection. Even if on my social security. I have to find them at thrift stores.
I hope I am better grandparent than I was a parent and there always room for improvement in my relationships with my children and their spouses. We don’t have to necessarily fall back into old patterns of relationships and fight the same battles over and over.
(To Be Continued)
Introducing this topic, I do want to make it clear that I am Pro-Life (especially if you have not figured this out from my past posts). Children do exist in the womb. At eight weeks after conception, all necessary organs for the child exist and the rest of the time in the womb is spent growing and becoming capable of independent existence. In my lifetime, science has found more and more ways to detect life in the womb and to sustain such life either in the womb or out of the womb. The question is at what point do we determine that another human being does not have the right to exist. No one is infallible when it comes to making this decision.
Maybe we should call our children the “throw-away generation”. I think we would all admit that many children are not given the training, experience, and resources necessary to grow up to be responsible adults. How can we consciously keep the next generation in areas of the country that are veritable war zones in inhabitable surroundings with irresponsible adults and penalize those that do sacrifice resources, time, and sometimes careers to help raise responsible adults whether as parents or teachers or volunteers to provide opportunities to help the next generation grow up as safe responsible citizens.
Here is one example of how ignorant one of the most responsible areas of our government operates in one area of my state. Custody determinations cases (often done when a divorce is granted) are given to the judges who are considered the least competent and who have little or no training in this area. This leaves them free to make up their own minds about the cases and/or to depend on professionals who are presented to them as qualifying “experts” by dueling attorneys for each person seeking custody and those agencies who deal with these cases with certain biases as to parental (often not children’s) rights. This was in spite of well recognized and highly motivated diversion courts for domestic violence, drug addiction, and mental illness.
A bad custody decision can result in a “life sentence” for some children. One they didn’t ask for and one they didn’t deserve. It appears to me that in these situations early and appropriate intervention is desired and those appointed to discharge this duty should be well-trained and held responsible for what they do. Is there anything “flippant “about making a custody decision? and shouldn’t the best and most well-trained judges be given this duty. Another point that needs to be made in this area is that the best person for this position of making custody decisions should be someone who is and/or wants to become knowledgeable about child-rearing.
Children at different points in life need different things. Initially, it is important that needs must be met that help maintain the physical body of the child such as food and clothing, shelter, etc. and physical gentle, loving touches and caregiving, and by someone who is concerned about the safety and well-being of the child. How a task is done in caring for a child telegraphs to the child whether or not he or she is safe, secure, and the object of someone’s care and concern.
One of the next steps necessary to a child’s development the ability of the person providing the care and education of the child be aware that children are different and that is not necessarily bad. Nature requires diversity and that means that those providing nurturance be able to able to provide and or seek out sources for the education, training, and future achievements possible for each child.
Children also learn at different rates and in different ways. Having, eight young grandchildren, I have noticed this. Children progress at different rates in different areas and it does not necessarily mean that the child is “backward” and may not catch up in this area later when he or she changes their focus of learning.
Over time, children need to become responsible for certain things and to have certain experiences. For example, you don’t don’t teach a child about dating by not letting them be around the opposite sex until they are twenty-one and then let them figure it out by themselves. Children need also to learn to make certain decisions for themselves and to experience the appropriate consequences. Learning is done in steps and certain concepts need to be acquired and practiced before going on to other more advanced and/or difficult ones.