What seems to be the easiest to do? Get Mad at someone or something or tell someone that you care about them or tell someone that you care about something? We are like growing plants that need the nutrients in the soil, and sunshine and water. What is tragic is that if all we get is anger and criticism, it soon substitutes for love and affection and compliments. What happens to a child is that the parent finds that all the child does is get in trouble to get “negative” attention which is better than no attention at all.
Negative behaviour seems to be a remedy for the “Forgotten Child Syndrome”. If there is a little “Miss Princess” or a Dashing Prince in the house or a “Star Athlete” (male or female)” or “Precious Scholar” (also either male or female) in the house, it can lead to the family focusing all their attention and often all their time and energy on that child. The other child in the household may become the Brat in order to get recognition and time and attention because he or she is a problem and to get a chance to take his or her anger out on the overeager parents who focus their attention mainly on the Good Child.
Another possibility is that praise does not usually lead to behavior change and the topic of the person’s misbehavior does not lead to emotional upheaval and/or becomes a fruitful topic for discussion and/or gossip. Also it directs other people attention away from the person who is being critical onto the person who is being criticized. Surprise, surprise, the source of the criticisim is often revealing more about him or her self than they are about the person they are criticising. In this case, offense is a good defense. In other words don’t look at me look at them. This can lead to the person witnessing these behaviors to becoming very confused as it is not very clear what is going on.
Surprise, surprise, the source of the criticism is often revealing more about him or her self than they are about the person they are criticising. In this case, offense is a good defense. In other words don’t look at me look at them. This can lead to the person witnessing these behaviors to becoming very confused as it is not very clear what is going on.
Another even more confusing example occurs when a child whose parents are divorced seems to treat the “good” parent worse than the “not-so-good” parent. Once a child is secure in the love of a parent he or she might find it easier and safer to “let it all hang out ” with the parent whose love they are assured of than with the parent with whom they don’t feel securely attached. Ah, the not so sweet mysteries of life!
Children are like African violets. (A type of small very ticklish house plant which housewives of my mother’s generation raised.) They are very sensitive in terms of their response to the environment in which they are planted. Children were known to die in orphanages when they were physically taken care of but not emotionally taken care of. Yet some people give more attention to the African violets in their life than to their children.
As each African violet is individual in its needs for light and air and moisture so is each child individual in his or her needs for attention, love, and support. When this is neglected, the plant or child withers and dies inside if not outside like the plant. The payoff of proper care can be great in either case.
Perhaps one can afford to lose many African violets in this process but not even one child. Children can be resilient but still, can be greatly damaged and become of little use to themselves and furthermore to the society that child dwells in.
Moisture, light, and soil and the addition of fertiliser is needed for a violet to grow; but what is needed for a child to grow in the right direction? Love, support, attention, and unconditional love appear to be necessary for this to happen.
Caregivers can not neglect one child while caring for another, This has been shown to happen when a child has a seriously ill sibling. This child needs attention and care too especially if this child gets neglected while the ill child gets urgently needed care.
The sibling does not need to be seriously physically ill to take attention and care away from another sibling. Some children are more attractive to one or both of the parents than other children. How important is it for a parent to have an athlete or gymnast or beauty queen or a scholar over a wallflower, a geek, or any child who is not particularly gifted or attractive
Worse yet are parents who really shouldn’t have any children (P.S. I am not opting for abortion, but I am a champion of adoption in these cases). Sadly what welfare does sometimes does not necessarily encourage parents to be actively involved in bringing children up right.
Wealth is not necessarily the main factor in bringing children up right. The things that are needed to do this often can’t be bought. They often cost more time than money. First is unconditional love which occurs when a person often gives another person love no matter what he or she does or says.
Children need support, not just physical support, but emotional support. A child can do well at something, but this accomplishment might be ignored and/ or at least not supported emotionally by the family or guardian. The child can say to themselves, “Oh, what’s the use?” if the effort that he or she puts into something is unnoticed and they receive little or no help with it on top of that!
Prize winning entries at the county fair can go unnoticed and wining or losing a coveted position on a team or in a play can also be ignored. “You did what?, when said, demonstrates that at least part of a child’s life has gone unnoticed. Worse yet, a child can be hurt or sick and this goes unnoticed until the child is in serious jeopardy.
Psychological needs that go unmet can cause great harm to some children. Children that survive such circumstances can be very resilient but those who don’t are a drain on society and can be lost. Too often the people who make these decisions are incompetent as well. The judge in my family says that custody decisions in his court are given to the least competent to decide.
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