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Monthly Archives: July 2017

How Vulnerable Are You To Other People’s Complaints About You?

(Coming post.)

You know most of us wear sunscreen when we go outside; but do you know that besides being vulnerable to the sun’s rays, we are also vulnerable to other people’s criticisms.  What you don’t know is that many people are more vulnerable to criticisms about things they are already doing.  Isn’t it interesting that when we are already doing something, we are more easily hurt by disparaging comments about our lack of effort put into doing those things than we are about things we don’t focus on?

It is only because of shame and guilt that we are easily made unhappy by what other people say.  If we can not feel these things then what other people say may have no effect!  Shame and guilt can be great motivators and can create strong feelings in the one who feels them.  Feeling bad sometimes can interfere with a person’s ability to accomplish their goals and even if they achieve them, they will not feel happy or value their own accomplishments.

With no guilt and/or no shame, it is almost impossible to change a person,  People with addiction problems can steal from their friends and family when given any opportunity.  There is some times the justification, “They owe it to me.”  “It is my inheritance” and “Why can’t I have it now?”  Reference the story of the prodigal son in the Old Testament.

 

Diamond Rings And Things

(In Process)Do you have things like diamond rings, houses, and cars.  If you keep them, you have maintenance fees, taxes, storage space, and how often and how much do you use them.  Do you want to tie up your time and money providing for these things?  How many of these things do you really still want and the flash and the bang that you first had when you got these things may have faded away.

Do you have things like diamond rings, houses, and cars.  If you keep them, you have maintenance fees, taxes, storage space, and how often and how much do you use them.  Do you want to tie up your time and money providing for these things?  How many of these things do you really still want and the flash and the bang that you first had when you got these things may have faded away.

Do I sound like a liberal or a conservative?  Maybe both!  If all those stars and financial bigwigs who have more than one domicile like Oprah could share or give up holding onto these places so other people could use them.  How many people could be housed?  People need food water and sanitation as well as a well-insulated roof over their heads and some well-insulated walls on a solid foundation. The chance to live somewhere there is not a fire fight every night with stray bullets available to kill innocent people like bystanders.

Yes, important people having these places generate more jobs but how many of these people have American citizenship and get decent wages and work decent hours.  Also, how are these people treated?  Do we treat the least among us like we treat the highest among us?  What kind of a world have we created?

I value pretty things and I have a glass collection.  I enjoyed the hunt and the purchase of each piece.  I would like it to stay a collection when it is passed on.  Would I commit suicide, if a tornado hit this house and destroyed every piece, no!  If I lost my cat or dog, I would grieve and if it was a person, I would never forget..

Pretty pretties, collectable cars, mansions filled with gold, silver, and precious gemstones.  Do they make up for the lack of love and affection in someone’s life and a cold atmosphere of negative thinking even thunderstorms of anger?  I would like a little cuddle now and then, a smile or a grin.  Sex that is not a competition of who could get the most orgasms or the most handsome or beautiful partner.  People who have nothing in common and who don’t want to have anything in common with their partner pair up for the mechanical act of sexual relations.

These relationships should ensure that both partners wind up feeling closer to the other and wanting to repeat the experience.  The partners get to know each other and they are not together just to have sex.  Love, affection, respect, and cherishing are part of the glue that holds the relationship together.  It is not just a chance to have a child or to take care of a hard-on generated by lust.

Children are not dolls just to be dressed up and showed off.  Rich families in the past often did this and the children wound up being closer to their nanny than to their parents.  (Now it is the babysitter.)  “Children should be seen and not heard” used to be the motto.  Parents can become more involved in things than their spouse or their children.  I dated a guy once who was in at least one bowling league every night of the week.  Guess where he took me?

In conclusion to put it in a few words:  “When is enough enough?”  Why are many people decluttering their homes and some even their lives?  Why are we constantly encouraged to get rid of “out of date” but probably not worn out clothing and furniture and accessories?  I have always thought some sort of storage place should be available for things that were no longer useful to one person or family could be put and those who needed something might look there first.  Of course, the number of second-hand stores has grown and also some people routinely check the clearance aisles in stores.  Some people have recently been forced to do this and others have been doing this for a long time even when it was not an “in” thing to do like me!

 

 

Shame The Great Manipulator, The Great Trap Of Unworthness

I was raised on shame.   It was my claim to fame.  I was not recognised for what I did well, but for those things I did not do so well.  I was also convinced over time that I could not do them well and when that happened that people would give up on me.  I thought there were only so many things in life that other people would approve of and that I was not capable of doing them well enough to make other people proud of me.  I was recognised for what or where I could not meet up to other people’s standards and I felt like I was a great disappointment to my family so much so my relatives did not want other people to know that I was related to them.

I was so easily made to feel shameful that I was bullied, I was suicidal, and I was made to feel that I could never meet up to other people’s standards (of which there was only one set) and I would ultimately be rejected and thrown out on the street if that was possible.  There was only one person to blame and that was me and I didn’t know any different.

Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?

Worse yet I realized that in sexually inappropriate situations the victim (that was me) was always the one who should feel ashamed and had something to hide instead of the reverse.  Getting caught in a sexually compromising situation was something I should cover up, sneak out of, and pretend didn’t happen even though I now know it qualified as sexual abuse.   It was something to be covered up and forgotten if possible.

Brene Brown with her doctorate in Social Work found that we have three shields that we can use as shields against shame.  We can forget or not talk about what we see as a shameful situation.  Men will tell you that they are not comfortable talking about certain things that happened to them as they were growing up or even later in life such as post-traumatic stress syndrome and even had pushed these things so far out of mind that they did not remember them.

Another shield against shame mentioned by Dr. Brown was appeasement.  If someone is dissatisfied with you or something you have done, you try to make it up to them or make them so happy or satisfied in another way that they will forget that you did not or might not make them happy.  Another word for this might be “brown nosing”.

Another possibility would be going towards or against the person or situation that makes you feel shameful and take it out aggressively toward them or it.  This is the third shame shield mentioned by Dr. Brown.  Could the liberal Democrats’ behaviour after the election of President Donald Trump be an example of this?  Are they ashamed that their candidate did not win over such an unlikely candidate?

Sometimes our entire life can be motivated by shame and others can get what they want us to do by shaming us and can feel better about themselves by winning over us in this way.  I have often felt that being a woman, especially a woman professional, made me a target for this sort of thing.  If a woman can do it (what I did) it must be something easy to obtain and therefore not worth much.  The step between someone with a Masters degree and a Ph.D. must be pretty easy if she can do it.  I did not attend the graduation ceremonies when I received my doctorate (because it was not such a big deal)?