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Let It All Out (Continuation of Righteous Anger) -Under Construction

There is a time when you should not hold it all in and you should let it out.  Finding a safe place is important.  Go where you can’t be heard or seen.  Get a pillow.  Get a weapon of mass destruction (just kidding) a rubber hose or a rolled up newspaper.  Find something safe to hit (we used to use old phone books)  Scream and yell and let it all hang out.  There are times when people rely on the fact that you won’t say anything and will acquise to almost anything so as not to cause a disturbance.  You can have a lot bottled up if you have let people walk all over you.  “Give me a ride to the docotor’s and wait there and bring me home.  We’ll use your gas and your car and might even get you to buy us something to eat if it runs past lunch time or you have t o pretend you’re not hungry and go ahead and drive them home and not eat’

Righteous Anger?

English: Angry woman.

English: Angry woman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Is anger righteous?  Many people believe so. You feel that somebody or something has done you wrong.  Is it okay then to get mad?  What about considering the following religious sayings: Vengeance is mine saith the Lord or  turn the other cheek.  Or is it more important to know (especially if you are not religious) that anger, if indulged in, can continue to eat at your guts when the person you may be angry with is no longer in the picture.  Also what you say and do when you are angry can get you into trouble and have long term consequences.  How many people who have gone to jail got into trouble with the law when they were angry?

We most often get angry about things we can’t control and we often make the mistake of thinking if we are angry at or about something that it is something we can control when it is something we can’t control.  There are things we can control, even if it is difficult to do so sometimes,  like our thoughts and what we say and do.  When it comes to other people, we usually can’t control what they do, say, or think unless we use negative behaviors like force or emotional manipulation.  What happens when people are forced or manipulated into doing something they don’t want to do, they get angry and now we have come full circle.  Now we’re not angry, but someone else is, and nothing can be done  to stop them from retaliating when they get a chance and as a result, we get angry again.

When we indirectly express our aggression, we call it passive aggression.  Passive aggression involves behaviors that often appear to be kind and helpful, but aren’t.  Have you ever agreed to do something against your will and managed to mess it up somehow?  The other person can’t get mad at you, right?, because you did what they wanted even if it didn’t turn out right.  That is often a form of passive aggression.

People often say when they get mad that they can’t control their feelings.  When they have feelings,  they just happen and it is the other person’s fault for causing them to feel that way.  Actually it is important to own your own feelings.  The same thing can happen to two different people and they can feel differently about it.  If I am out shopping and I have no appointments to keep and someone ahead of me in a checkout line has a problem and causes the line to back up, I probably will not get upset and will wait for the problem to be resolved.  Another person who had the same thing happen to her last week and missed an appointment because of it gets mad and the feeling grows in intensity the longer she waits.

When it comes to feelings, especially angry ones, it is better to say,”I feel angry when you do this”, rather than, “When you do this, you make me feel angry”.  It is better to not assign blame to others.  These are called “I statements“.  Also often when you put some perspective on things, the feelings that you have about them change.  For example when a person bumps into you, you may be upset, until you notice that the person has a white cane and is blind.

 

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More on Anger

The world has seemed to explode with anger.  Almost everywhere you look around the world, people are angry and they are destroying property and killing and maiming people.  How do you get people to do this?  Threats can be made to people that the same will happen to them if they do not cooperate in doing this and that they will become the enemy  and be slaughtered too.  This is what has happened to children soldiers in Africa.

What is the origin of anger?  It always starts with the individual and his or her ability to control his or her own temper.  Some people consider anger a right.  They may even believe that they can not help how they feel.  They may think, “It is alright for me to do this if someone or something makes me angry.”  This might be labeled as righteous anger.  (See my post, Righteous Anger published previously on this website.)

After we are born, our emotional feelings separate into two kinds of feelings,  positive and negative.  Anger is one type of  negative feeling.  Frustration is one way that negative feelings are created.  We learn in childhood the appropriate ways to express these feelings and what type of behavior we are supposed to use to do this.

ANGER!!

ANGER!! (Photo credit: Za3tOoOr!)

There is a difference between power and force as means of getting one’s way.  Force is fueled with anger and it is expressed as aggression.  If I want something, I take it.  Power is more subtle and complex.  An example of this would be Mahatma Gandhi in India and his nonviolence movement.  The more respect one has for one’s self and others and the the more peaceful one’s value system is, the more likely it is that when that person accomplishes something, it is will be through power and not force.   Dr. David Hawkins has a book about this called, Power vs. Force.

 

Righteous Anger?

English: Angry woman.

English: Angry woman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Is anger righteous?  Many people believe so. You feel that somebody or something has done you wrong.  Is it okay then to get mad?  What about considering the following religious sayings: Vengeance is mine saith the Lord or  turn the other cheek.  Or is it more important to know (especially if you are not religious) that anger, if indulged in, can continue to eat at your guts when the person you may be angry with is no longer in the picture.  Also what you say and do when you are angry can get you into trouble and have long term consequences.  How many people who have gone to jail got into trouble with the law when they were angry?

We most often get angry about things we can’t control and we often make the mistake of thinking if we are angry at or about something that it is something we can control when it is something we can’t control.  There are things we can control, even if it is difficult to do so sometimes,  like our thoughts and what we say and do.  When it comes to other people, we usually can’t control what they do, say, or think unless we use negative behaviors like force or emotional manipulation.  What happens when people are forced or manipulated into doing something they don’t want to do, they get angry and now we have come full circle.  Now we’re not angry, but someone else is, and nothing can be done  to stop them from retaliating when they get a chance and as a result, we get angry again.

When we indirectly express our aggression, we call it passive aggression.  Passive aggression involves behaviors that often appear to be kind and helpful, but aren’t.  Have you ever agreed to do something against your will and managed to mess it up somehow?  The other person can’t get mad at you, right?, because you did what they wanted even if it didn’t turn out right.  That is often a form of passive aggression.

People often say when they get mad that they can’t control their feelings.  When they have feelings,  they just happen and it is the other person’s fault for causing them to feel that way.  Actually it is important to own your own feelings.  The same thing can happen to two different people and they can feel differently about it.  If I am out shopping and I have no appointments to keep and someone ahead of me in a checkout line has a problem and causes the line to back up, I probably will not get upset and will wait for the problem to be resolved.  Another person who had the same thing happen to her last week and missed an appointment because of it gets mad and the feeling grows in intensity the longer she waits.

When it comes to feelings, especially angry ones, it is better to say,”I feel angry when you do this”, rather than, “When you do this, you make me feel angry”.  It is better to not assign blame to others.  These are called “I statements“.  Also often when you put some perspective on things, the feelings that you have about them change.  For example when a person bumps into you, you may be upset, until you notice that the person has a white cane and is blind.

 

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More on Anger

The world has seemed to explode with anger.  Almost everywhere you look around the world, people are angry and they are destroying property and killing and maiming people.  How do you get people to do this?  Threats can be made to people that the same will happen to them if they do not cooperate in doing this and that they will become the enemy  and be slaughtered too.  This is what has happened to children soldiers in Africa.

What is the origin of anger?  It always starts with the individual and his or her ability to control his or her own temper.  Some people consider anger a right.  They may even believe that they can not help how they feel.  They may think, “It is alright for me to do this if someone or something makes me angry.”  This might be labeled as righteous anger.  (See my post, Righteous Anger published previously on this website.)

After we are born, our emotional feelings separate into two kinds of feelings,  positive and negative.  Anger is one type of  negative feeling.  Frustration is one way that negative feelings are created.  We learn in childhood the appropriate ways to express these feelings and what type of behavior we are supposed to use to do this.

ANGER!!

ANGER!! (Photo credit: Za3tOoOr!)

There is a difference between power and force as means of getting one’s way.  Force is fueled with anger and it is expressed as aggression.  If I want something, I take it.  Power is more subtle and complex.  An example of this would be Mahatma Gandhi in India and his nonviolence movement.  The more respect one has for one’s self and others and the the more peaceful one’s value system is, the more likely it is that when that person accomplishes something, it is will be through power and not force.   Dr. David Hawkins has a book about this called, Power vs. Force.

 

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When Is A Compliment Is Not A Compliment? When Is Criticism Not Productive?

rp_7276688008_157c6001e4_m.jpgCriticism disguised as a compliment can be deadly as well as just plain mean and “snarky”.   Many a fainting flower has sub combed to the projected hatred of others even when he or she doesn’t deserve it.  One way is when a “put down” is disguised as a compliment.  Such an act can permanently damage one’s life.  How many people have stopped going to church when this is done by a “well-meaning?” individual?  “My, that is such a nice outfit.  Do you dress like this every day?”

A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?

A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?

Churches are supposed to be places where well-meaning individuals want to bring more individuals to Christ.  Or are they?  Some people in churches like to think that they are God’s chosen “elite” where only those properly initiated into the ways of the church are allowed to belong.  Membership seems to be by invitation only for those who will appreciate the selectiveness of their invitations and will protect and obey their canons.  If looks could kill, some people could die when they enter churches like this.

rp_366761818_150_150.jpgSome church people feel that their criticism of others is well- meaning and will make others better Christians and they are only being helpful; but often there is an underlying current of hatefulness,  righteous anger, and  severe judgmentalism.  When this is coupled with a victim’s underlying current of self-condemnation and guilt, it can be extremely damaging and make him or her feel unworthy of being a Christian and keep the person from ever going to that church or sometimes any church again.

 

Boundary Problems?

With what is going on in Europe now with boundary problems, it is getting more and more clear that having little or no boundaries makes them vulnerable to people who will take advantage of that.

taking-advice-badgeDo you feel that you are a pushover?  Why are you a pushover?  Is it because you want people to like you.  Can’t you think of a reason not to do it?

You think you are a good person and that others are good people too.  Not setting appropriate boundaries leaves you wide open to people who don’t think like you do.  It also leaves you wide open when you should be setting boundaries like with children and people who work under your supervision.  Are you the kind of parent or boss who often winds up picking up after their children and/or doing someone else’s work along with your own?rp_23219947_8c2cef7e59_m.jpg

How long can you do this type of thing without feeling angry?  “Read my lips” no more “nice” guy or girl.  You also lose people’s respect too.  I have grandchildren and I can tell who does and who does not set boundaries with the grandchildren by the children’s behavior.  You are courting chaos when you don’t do this.

Righteous anger?  Is that possible?  Is it polite?  When we continue to let people take advantage of us (and we know it) aren’t we lying?  Isn’t this a “sin?” of omission?  So this person or child takes advantage of us figuring we don’t really say what we mean.

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Have you ever felt that there was something slightly wrong with something someone did for you?  It could be a form of passive aggression which is a way of indirectly expressing something or doing something the other person wouldn’t like without being held accountable.  They might even say about the behavior that they were only trying to help you.  Yet you sense that their motives are less than pure.  You wind up unhappy in the relationship and when you call them on it, they act misunderstood and sometimes even offended.

Once when I was in a relationship that was falling apart, my partner was still handling the bill payments for both of us and obligated me for a repair contract on an appliance that I was taking with me, but which I felt that I didn’t need and which would cost money that I couldn’t afford to spare when paying my bills on my own without my partner’s income  He didn’t ask me what I wanted in this situation and I found out about it indirectly when I was looking at some paperwork.  I confronted him about this. Of course, he felt that he was only doing me a favor.  What I found overall in the relationship was that his tendency to frequently resort to passive aggressive behavior was one of the reasons I left the relationship.  There are other forms of passive aggressive behavior and the one most given as an example is agreeing to do something and then messing it up,  My partner agreed to do the bill paying; but I was not happy with the way he was doing it.

 

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