What seems to be the easiest to do? Get Mad at someone or something or tell someone that you care about them or tell someone that you care about something? We are like growing plants that need the nutrients in the soil, and sunshine and water. What is tragic is that if all we get is anger and criticism, it soon substitutes for love and affection and compliments. What happens to a child is that the parent finds that all the child does is get in trouble to get “negative” attention which is better than no attention at all.
Negative behaviour seems to be a remedy for the “Forgotten Child Syndrome”. If there is a little “Miss Princess” or a Dashing Prince in the house or a “Star Athlete” (male or female)” or “Precious Scholar” (also either male or female) in the house, it can lead to the family focusing all their attention and often all their time and energy on that child. The other child in the household may become the Brat in order to get recognition and time and attention because he or she is a problem and to get a chance to take his or her anger out on the overeager parents who focus their attention mainly on the Good Child.
Another possibility is that praise does not usually lead to behavior change and the topic of the person’s misbehavior does not lead to emotional upheaval and/or becomes a fruitful topic for discussion and/or gossip. Also it directs other people attention away from the person who is being critical onto the person who is being criticized. Surprise, surprise, the source of the criticisim is often revealing more about him or her self than they are about the person they are criticising. In this case, offense is a good defense. In other words don’t look at me look at them. This can lead to the person witnessing these behaviors to becoming very confused as it is not very clear what is going on.
Surprise, surprise, the source of the criticism is often revealing more about him or her self than they are about the person they are criticising. In this case, offense is a good defense. In other words don’t look at me look at them. This can lead to the person witnessing these behaviors to becoming very confused as it is not very clear what is going on.
Another even more confusing example occurs when a child whose parents are divorced seems to treat the “good” parent worse than the “not-so-good” parent. Once a child is secure in the love of a parent he or she might find it easier and safer to “let it all hang out ” with the parent whose love they are assured of than with the parent with whom they don’t feel securely attached. Ah, the not so sweet mysteries of life!
Children are like African violets. (A type of small very ticklish house plant which housewives of my mother’s generation raised.) They are very sensitive in terms of their response to the environment in which they are planted. Children were known to die in orphanages when they were physically taken care of but not emotionally taken care of. Yet some people give more attention to the African violets in their life than to their children.
As each African violet is individual in its needs for light and air and moisture so is each child individual in his or her needs for attention, love, and support. When this is neglected, the plant or child withers and dies inside if not outside like the plant. The payoff of proper care can be great in either case.
Perhaps one can afford to lose many African violets in this process but not even one child. Children can be resilient but still, can be greatly damaged and become of little use to themselves and furthermore to the society that child dwells in.
Moisture, light, and soil and the addition of fertiliser is needed for a violet to grow; but what is needed for a child to grow in the right direction? Love, support, attention, and unconditional love appear to be necessary for this to happen.
Caregivers can not neglect one child while caring for another, This has been shown to happen when a child has a seriously ill sibling. This child needs attention and care too especially if this child gets neglected while the ill child gets urgently needed care.
The sibling does not need to be seriously physically ill to take attention and care away from another sibling. Some children are more attractive to one or both of the parents than other children. How important is it for a parent to have an athlete or gymnast or beauty queen or a scholar over a wallflower, a geek, or any child who is not particularly gifted or attractive
Worse yet are parents who really shouldn’t have any children (P.S. I am not opting for abortion, but I am a champion of adoption in these cases). Sadly what welfare does sometimes does not necessarily encourage parents to be actively involved in bringing children up right.
Wealth is not necessarily the main factor in bringing children up right. The things that are needed to do this often can’t be bought. They often cost more time than money. First is unconditional love which occurs when a person often gives another person love no matter what he or she does or says.
Children need support, not just physical support, but emotional support. A child can do well at something, but this accomplishment might be ignored and/ or at least not supported emotionally by the family or guardian. The child can say to themselves, “Oh, what’s the use?” if the effort that he or she puts into something is unnoticed and they receive little or no help with it on top of that!
Prize winning entries at the county fair can go unnoticed and wining or losing a coveted position on a team or in a play can also be ignored. “You did what?, when said, demonstrates that at least part of a child’s life has gone unnoticed. Worse yet, a child can be hurt or sick and this goes unnoticed until the child is in serious jeopardy.
Psychological needs that go unmet can cause great harm to some children. Children that survive such circumstances can be very resilient but those who don’t are a drain on society and can be lost. Too often the people who make these decisions are incompetent as well. The judge in my family says that custody decisions in his court are given to the least competent to decide.
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For example, when I want to ask a man a quick question while he is watching TV or on the phone, I am told to wait a minute which never comes. If I am doing something, a man expects that I should interrupt what I am doing tell him the information that he wants to know which usually also involves that I stop what I am doing and do it for him. However, I am expected to multitask and to not forget what I was doing or going to do to take care of something for him.
Another example, men have goals and aspirations that can take a good part of their time and of their disposable? income. Or else they think to themselves, what else am I working for? Women work to contribute to the family income and also to pay the childcare costs so they can work to do this. Certain hobbies and their accompanying expenses are considered necessary “man” things to do. Women like to look nice and to have a nice place to live which is not as important to men.
Women risk their lives and their health in order to reproduce while men usually think it is no big deal. Even if a woman chooses not to reproduce, it is still her responsibility. Also often there are men who like to have unprotected sex and who often do not see reproduction as their responsibility. Birth control and a woman’s menstrual cycle usually are two things women have to take care of and suffer from. Men often think that these are things a man does not have to be concerned about.
Also having children can create a great big stress on a woman’s body and under certain circumstances can kill a woman. Any woman who has been pregnant more than once including stillbirths and miscarriages, as well as live births, can tell you that they can all be different. Even I who had three children late in life seemingly uneventfully can tell that you that I could have lost my third child during birth and I didn’t know this til after she was born.
Some women don’t want to bother with being pregnant but still have to deal with mixed feelings about having an abortion and the often dangerous lack of skilled care at abortion clinics. On the man’s side is the possibility that when an abortion is involved, he may still want the child if the woman doesn’t!
Sometimes I think that some men can become so attached to their ideas and accomplishments that they can’t accept the idea that their ideas may no longer work with new discoveries being found and can stand in the way of necessary progress. Academia reinforces this with its publish or perish mandates necessary to obtain tenure. Women are more flexible and more able to see different points of view. Relationships for women are more important for women and often make up for the fact that they are less attached to a job or position or a theory.
Every time I think that the Little PEOPLE are getting ahead, I realise they aren’t. I was very happy with the recent election because I felt that the new administration was supporting the middle class that was no longer the middle class under the current, soon past administration.
What I have recently realised is that I have joined the lower class (once working class or even middle class in many situations). We are squeaking by on social security and disability payments (which have been borrowed from to pay other government expenses) and have to seek help like free food from The Master’s Hand locally. Also in this area, if you have farm income (that counts against you as it is considered income before farming expenses are taken out) in terms of getting any extra government help.
Most of us would contribute something to the economy if there was a way we could. Most of us would like to have a voice in the new administration. For example, most of Illinois voted for the new administration except for the heavily populated urban areas. But where is our voice? No one campaigned in our areas and we feel that no one has listened to our concerns. What do you think? Are there other areas of our country in the same shape?
Also who is the voice of the forgotten little people? On the network that supported the election of the new administration, we are not represented. They are again relying on experts who have no real life experience or it is so far in the remote past that they don’t remember it or so far removed from it, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Also, there is pressure on these experts, especially women, to conform to certain standards not representative of the men and/or do not reflect what ordinary people look like. It is nice for some of us to remain “young” and look youthful but is not the way most people look and it is easier to see the standards for men are less stringent than for women.
For example, most woman experts on this network look like they are ready to go to a cocktail party instead of a business occasion. Yes, the men are nicely and appropriately dressed but they don’t have to struggle as much as women do to appear appropriately presentable, youthful and beautiful.
When are the Little PEOPLE going to be represented? The overall wearing, wearing second-hand clothing, or in “high style” Wal-Mart, but often foreign made, clothing? We have a lot to say and we don’t have a lot we can do about our situations but suffer. Welfare often misses us and as our social security or retirement checks do not raise, but inflation and the cost of living does and as things cost more and more, we have to get by on less and less with little or no representation in or help from society or the government!
The Little PEOPLE do have something to say! We have learned something through experience. We do have “philosophical” discussions. We can see things others more fortunate and potentially more powerful don’t.
Certainly how Little PEOPLE experience life has something to say about the type of life we are promoting for all! Often as people do better and better economically, they tend to put people down who haven’t and consider their opinions useless and their motivations feckless! Also other people who have done well often think the same way and might make fun of those who don’t. How many Little People do you see in certain churches or certain social groups like the Elks? Nuff said.
(In progress) By telling them there are monsters in the dark! Things look very different in By telling them there are monsters in the dark! Things look very different in very low light. Go to bed and be sure you have a small night light on. When you wake up later in the night, your eyes will have adjusted to the low light and you will be able to see some things but only in black and white (like old movies and TV programs) and they will be fuzzy around the edges. You will notice that things don’t look the same and easily recognizable objects in daylight or when the lights are turned on are not so recognizable. Is it impossible to see something that looks like a monster in these conditions until you turn the lights on and then you are able to see that something that looked like a monster is probably something that is easily recognizable in full light. Yes, nightlights help us get around when we get up at night but they don’t give off the same amount of light as regular lights do or as the sun does when it is shining into the room.
Now here is a more scientific explanation. You have two types of receptors in your retinas at the back of your eye, rods, and cones, and one type is more active in bright light while the other is more active in dim light. There are fewer cones than rods. Cones help our vision perceive details and colors. They are very precise. Rods are more prevalent but don’t help you see as clearly as many rods go to one nerve while each cone goes to a specific nerve.
No wonder it is spooky in the dark. If you can be curious about what you can see in the near dark then you won’t be so easily scared of the dark. However leaving lights can make it difficult to sleep. Melatonin which is needed for sleep production is not produced when it is light rather than dark. Many kinds of things that we keep on in the room where we sleep can interfere with our sleep. They only have to give off a little glow to do this. There are quides on the internet as to what you can keep on in terms of light production that interferes the least with melatonin production.
(Rough, rough Draft) Life doesn’t come with an instruction book even though you deserve one. You have to write your own. Many people spend most of their lives looking for ones that are already written. But they are no perfect matches. Each person is unique. You might try on several different lifestyles that are recommended to you or that you admire, but you usually never find one that fits perfectly.
Clothes used to be tailored or created with the help of a dressmaker. I remember patterns that came with places where you might make the pattern smaller or larger. Some people even had a dress form that could be adjusted and a dress could be fitted over it to create a perfect fit.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the style of life that you pick could be adjusted that way? I found it difficult to find my place as a psychologist when I was around other psychologists in my training that were quite different from me. Not only was it hard for me to model myself after them as a psychologist but also these model psychologists ended up being quite critical of me and I had difficulty making myself like them.
If I did find a psychologist or psychiatrist or other mental health practitioner that I did want to model myself after, I often was too hard on myself. I could not understand that my talents were only emerging and I was judging myself by professionals that were much further along in their professional careers. I tried really hard and basically succeeded but I didn’t really learn who I was and I continued to do this on into my professional life. I really didn’t know who I was and because of
I tried really hard and basically succeeded, but I didn’t really learn who I was and I continued to do this on into my professional life. Because of this, I had trouble succeeding and meeting other people’s expectations. I continued to work really hard and felt that I was just not ever going to be a success.
Eventually, I got into the areas of self-help and spirituality and read whatever I could find about out them and attended workshops in these areas when I could find them. Again I felt that I wasn’t making progress in these areas either even though they fascinated me. I didn’t know it at the time that these things were a personal experience and different for each person involved.
It wasn’t until I approached the areas of different types of learning that I found out that I was a different type of thinker. I am a creative type of person who has to do something first. I can’t tell you what I am going to do before I do it. I often don’t know what I am going to do before I have done it. I can explain what I have done and organize what I did after the fact instead of before the fact.
I am left-handed and am right-brained instead of left brained. I find it easier to do whatever it is that I am going to do and then answer questions about what I did and how and why I did it. For example, I am very good at interviewing people and getting information out of them; but the best way to show other people what I do when I am interviewing is to do it behind a one-way mirror and answer the audience’s questions afterward.
Gee, I wish I had known this about myself much earlier in life and had not passed up opportunities to develop myself in areas where I could have been quite creative if I had continued to develop my talents. A couple of areas are hypnosis, interpretation of drawings and the use of drawing in children’s therapy. I also found out that I can sing quite well if I don’t feel self-conscious and I sing songs interpretively that just seem to have stuck in my head without an accompanist. (I guess I can’t pick a key and I haven’t found an accompanist that can shadow me.) I was never able to take voice lessons although I had sung in
I have now found out that I can sing quite well if I don’t feel self-conscious and I sing songs interpretively that just seem to have stuck in my memory without an accompanist. (I guess I can’t pick a key and I haven’t found an accompanist that can shadow me.)
I was never able to take voice lessons although I had sung in choirs at school and in church. I now think that might have made me worse instead of better. I found that when I was in college that the voice majors were all quite technically accomplished and that I couldn’t compete with them and do what they did. Now I do my own thing and I can do it quite well if I am not afraid to be me.
Children are our most precious resource. Don’t waste them. This subject is worth repeating. They need love and affection to thrive. Good self-esteem is a must for all children to have. Nor should they lack support. Enough food and drink so they can grow and be healthy and not be hungry. These needs are often not met during weekends or in the summer. For some kids, all the food they get is in school. How can one study and learn when they are hungry? Security and safety are another need. Children should not be afraid or the innocent victims of crime. Adequate housing helps meeting these needs. Don’t forget adequate schools that can meet these needs too.
Finally and still important is an education on the rights of people, the rules we need to respect so that we can all get along, and the development of an inner sense of right and wrong. History is a necessary part of education so we don’t make past mistakes and so that we can also learn from past successes. Children also need protection so that they are not used only to satisfy other people’s needs when it is not in their best interest.
Parents or parent substitutes can be valuable assets to our culture. Those who take on the responsibility of providing for their or other children’s needs. Support is often provided for those parents who fail but not for those who want to succeed at doing this. Laws should be created and adjudicated with the child’s rights in mind. Children are not property and are individuals with innate rights. Custody determinations often forget this. I know of one county court system that penalizes the worst of their judges by having them do custody cases. Yuck!!! Children are not property!