I just talked about fear and the biggest fear is of fear itself. If we don’t talk about things until one of us, either partner gets mad, then it is hard to overlook how bad it makes us feel and deal with the issues themselves.
I don’t know about you but my very sense of security can be threatened. It got this way in my first marriage and maybe if we had the fights that we did when we were divorcing all along, the marriage could have been better.
Not trusting your partner is very destructive in a relationship; especially not trusting them to make a fair compromise and to not penalize you for bringing something up that needs to be dealt with.
Progress in my life has often been scary and painful and I often did not work on solving problems because I didn’t want to face the pain involved. This is especially true in interpersonal situations. Do you think that the most progress is made when something is easy to do? Be honest with yourself….
Progress can not always be assured even when we face something painful and that is potentially painful too. Could we learn something? This is something that could realistically happen. Learning can be painful too especially when you have to give up all or part of a long-held belief system.
When confronted with new conflicting information about a belief that a person has long held, people can either reject the new information in some way or change it so it fits their paradigm. The other option is to change their belief system to fit the new information. This is what learning is all about.
Some people are not really looking for conflicting information as it makes them uncomfortable so they back away from confrontations. They think there always has to be a winner or a loser in a disagreement and they are programmed not to lose because it hurts too. Compromise is sometimes a new thing to some people because of this.
When people come to new understandings about things, they can both be winners. They understand each other better and can anticipate making better decisions without out so much potential “flack” from the other partner.
Why people can’t change:
1. They would have to admit they were wrong about something.
2. They might have to make some other changes too.
3. It would take too much time.
4. They are waiting for somebody else to change first.
5. They would have to admit that they wasted time or money doing the wrong thing.
6. They might have to admit that somebody else was right and they were wrong or too much pride and too much emphasis on winning some type of competition.
7. Having to be always right even if it kills you.
Why they should change:
1. To stop putting money down a rat hole.
2. To become an example for somebody else.
3. To stop wasting time defending why they can’t change.
4. To save more time and money after investing some current time and money making a change.
5. To stop having to hide some deficiency from others.
6. To learn something new.
In the long run there are great benefits: For example, learning to drive as an adult. Erased my dependency on others. Gave me freedom.
Women, men? Does the need for security control your life? Are you afraid to fight with someone because it might end your relationship with them? Women, people who put you down, often the man in your life, often win a potential conflict with the first blow. If he or she is mad at me, it is all over. It is very convenient to make a complaint or even make an angry comment when asking about something you don’t like or understand.
Conflict seems to be more natural for men. They can almost fight one minute and be friends the next. It can get pretty brutal one day and the next they are back to being the best of buds. Many women are different making a denigrating comment to another woman can end a relationship forever. So how does a woman react when someone puts them down. If they are depending on the relationship for support and security, they go into emergency crisis mode and/or feel “knocked up beside the head” by someone they thought loved and appreciated them.
Women can take a lot of negative comments from a man in a relationship often things the man forgets about as it wasn’t that serious to him or the man didn’t even realize the woman took it seriously or so hard. Men are constantly jousting, jockeying for position, and they don’t even think that seeing things ( from this perspective) that it was taken seriously.
Have you ever been publicly shamed by somebody when you were especially vulnerable and unable to defend yourself? Do you know who ought to have been ashamed for doing this? Probably that person, not you.
Have you ever goofed, made a mistake, or have been unable to control a situation, not because you didn’t want to but because you couldn’t at that moment. Some people are blind to their own mistakes but can see those of others in H-D or 3D for those of you who don’t have it yet on your TV.
These people can be merciless and drive people away from places where they have as much right to be as the other person. This often happens in family restaurants and places of worship. These critical comments are usually not accompanied by an ofter to do what they can to help in the situation.
These people often wear blinders to their own faults and to those of others close to them. This is especially true when this is behavior that they might have had problems with once upon a time. People can be especially intolerant of the behavior of children and infants when they are no longer dealing with them. They tend to forget what it was like to have kids and how hard it is to be a parent.
People have a tendency to only comment on what they see is wrong and not be aware of what is really going on that might prompt them to be more understanding. You never might really know what is really going on in a situation that might prompt the behavior. We were celebrating a birthday at a nice restaurant when my grandson threw temper fit after temper fit and nothing worked as far as disciplinary techniques were concerned. Later, when he got home, he was violently ill. No one could have predicted that.
Remember, build people up. Don’t knock them down. What would you want others to do for you? Truly gracious people don’t need to do this to embarrass others.
Small children not only have problems with object recognition in a dimly lit bedroom, they also in early childhood as young as two or three have good imaginations often telling adults that they see or hear something vividly that is only a figment of their very colorful imagination. Combine the two and they were easily could see monsters in the dark which their parents then tell them aren’t real and that they should act as if they are not there and go to sleep. What this really means is that they still “see” monsters but know they have to act as if they weren’t there.
When a child is in bed, they see things from a different perspective than the one they have when they are sitting up or moving around the room. There is the psychological concept of object permanency which is used when a child is able to see an object such as a bottle from different angles and in different types of illumination and still know that it is a bottle and treat it like one.
Another difference is the rods in the retina pick up and transmit the effect of a black and white picture which is more blurry than that the very sharp image that the cones give in brilliant color (which are in the center of the retina) in very bright light. Yes, black and white images in photos and motion pictures are almost gone and “little” ones are probably not familiar with them.Could this be the origin of fears of sleeping in the dark which are topped off by the parent telling them that what they see and what it looks like (how they perceive it) is wrong and their feelings about it are foolish and should be denied so that the parent (not necessarily the child) can relax and go back to sleep thinking that they have banished the monsters effectively and gotten the child to believe there are no monsters in his or her room when they have done no such thing. What they really have done has made the situation more scarey because the child still believes there are monsters but his or her parents don’t believe it and now they can’t depend on their parents for help and must face the perceived danger alone and probably without a light to illuminate the dark and scarey corners.
Don’t make children deny their feelings, they don’t go away, they just stay out of sight. They must be seen from the child’s point of view. For example, mommy, daddy, there is the monster over there and there is his head, there are his eyes and there are his hands and he has claws sticking out. See he is breathing. Fuzzy images in the near dark do look like they might be moving or breathing. It can happen also from a child’s changes in perspective.
Recently I have been conducting experiments of my own. There is a night light on in our master bedroom and I often wake up very early in the morning while it is still dark outside and I see things in the shadows and they even seem to move or look unrecognizable especially my husband’s clothes hung on the bedpost or the covers pushed up in a pile at the end of the bed. It seems very easy to not realize what I am really looking at and could easily identify in broad day light. I’ve seen a goblin with a shiny eyes and a big male pig laying there with two twitching ears. I have even reached out to touch the apparition in order to satisfy myself as to what the image really is.
Feelings can be overwhelming and are necessary at times. Grief for example, must be expressed sooner or later. It is very damaging especially to relationships if it can not be shared. When I am very hungry, I get so mad that I could spit nails. When I am with family or friends I warn them when I get that way. I am literally not able to fulfill others’ requests until I get something to eat. You probably could name more.
Some feelings people feel are so strong that they literally take over and people thus say that they “involuntarily” do things that they may or may not regret later. They are out of control but it is not their fault. For example, someone says, “He made me so mad…” and this justifies whatever that person does next.
Are we responsible for our feelings? Well, “Yes,” and “No”. We are frequently conditioned at a very young age to respond with negative feelings to certain things. We may be even given rational explanations for feeling that way that we accept as something that motivates us to do certain certain things and often enables us to not accept responsibility for what we do then.
How do we resist all that conditioning? It can effectively put limits on our life if we let it. It is often difficult to undo. How often have we heard someone say, “I can’t help it,” in relation to performing these type of learned behaviors. Is it a Get Out of Jail Free” card like in Monopoly?
What have you learned to feel and to respond to in certain situations. Is it you that is behind it or did you catch it from somewhere or someone else?
Have You Been Brain Washed As A Child?
It is likely that you have.
In order to understand our world, we quickly accept our parents and others views of the world and begin to reject or deny those things that don’t fit these preconceived notions. How much evidence from our own senses do we reject in order to fit in? Researchers have found that sounds not used in our native language atrophy if we don’t use them. How many other things atrophy from disuse. Our caregivers teach us what to pay attention to and what not to pay attention to and thus, limiting what we take in in terms of our senses (normal vs. paranormal?). Yes, if some limiting does not get done, a child will be confused by all the input coming from his or her senses and his or her ability to pay attention will be impaired.
For example, still today professionals in my field, psychology, deny that children see monsters in their rooms when they try to go to sleep and give advice to parents that they should reassure their children, when this happens, that this is not so, and not to encourage them to make a big deal of it. This can make children doubt their senses and this can be seen as a form of manipulation.
Recently I have discovered that this is not true. Things do look different in a darkened bedroom with only a little light from a night light or from the hall through a barely open door. Our pupils dilate in these circumstance and we can see more with less light. True, it is the multitude of black and white sensors (which are called rods) in the retina that perceive this as they are the most sensitive in this type of situation of low light. Also their accuracy in perceiving things is only fair unlike that of the cones which are not operating. Cones perceive things in bright light and do so with a lot more accuracy than the rods which take over and dominate when there is not much light. Part of the reason for this is that there are more rods than cones.
I’ve tried this out in my bedroom in the middle of the night and things don’t look the same as they do when the room is well lite. I often initially have difficulty figuring out what things are, even familiar things like my spouse laying besides me. I am an adult and I know that this is happening. What about about a child who naturally sees things differently when the light is dim and he or she may see formless shapes that don’t look familiar and is scared. A parent denying that this happens doesn’t make it go away and further more it doesn’t change what and how children see in their dimly lite bedrooms. It just encourages them to deny that what is really happening is true.
Often the child learns that asking for reassurance doesn’t work. It just teaches them to keep it to themselves and to be afraid of the dark like I was as a child. The only time I could sleep comfortably is when there was another person staying in the room with me or when I had a low wattage light nearby where I could see it. This fear can spread farther if parents’ continue to tell children to deny what they see and how it makes them feel.
For awhile there was a lot of research on the “double bind”and how it was often found in families of schizophrenics (which is a serious mental illness) and their ability to think and reason is also often impaired. A family member would say one thing when he or she obviously looked like and or sounded like he or she meant something else. For example, by holding a small child at arm’s length and saying, “I love you.” Sometimes adults’ think that they are being polite when they do this and often people are trained to not “see” this or if they do, to not comment on it. This can completely mix up a child’s brain. He or she can not be confident that what they are seeing and/or hearing is what they are actually seeing or hearing.
Genuineness can become a rare commodity if this is constantly done. The child’s gut feels one thing when he or she is told that the person with them is not feeling that way. Lately people have been told to trust their intuition or instincts more. So many people have shut off that “still small voice” so often that they don’t hear it anymore. How often have we been taught not only what to think, but also what to feel. Does the word “propaganda” sound familiar? It starts when parents are uncomfortable with children who see and feel things like they really are and that is not what the parent wants the child to see and hear. This makes them uncomfortable because they don’t want a child to feel or think that way for some reason. What is the difference, if any, between this and outright deliberate lying?
We naturally are able to perceive many different things and people find it easier to deny this ability in others so they can control them, not only what they do, but also what they think. We are not a bunch of sheep who must be herded in the direction that the “shepherd” wants us to go for his or her own convenience or nefarious ends.
How often have we heard the response, “No, I am not angry,” when a person obviously is. Lying is often a convenient thing to do. It aids in the manipulation of others and has almost become a way of life for many if not all people. In this society we continually put people down and this most often happens after we have encouraged someone to tell the truth.
Don’t put people down. There are enough people doing it already. Bring them up instead. No wonder we are so sensitive. Sometimes I feel that I should be wearing a suit of armor. This is often done in childhood when it is most easily done. Children are innocent and don’t realize what is being done to them. Do people put other people down just so they can bring themselves up? Sounds phony doesn’t it?
What do you think? Continuing to explore this issue, was your childhood family motto:”Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?” More on this in a future post.
Do You Hear Only What You Want to Hear Or See Only What You Want To See? Do you sometimes tune things out and skip parts of the material that is given to you? or that is shown to you?I go to a place to meet my spiritual needs and I go to hear what God wants me to know. I try to go with no preconceived notions of what I will get from attending church that day. I quiet myself and pay attention to what is prayed, said, or done. It is a time to be in the moment, not about feeling bad for what has happened in the past or being anxious or worried about the future.
Something was said yesterday during the service that I caught and am presenting here. This idea not only applies to worship services, but also to doctor visits, books, lectures or workshops.We often hear what we want to hear not actually was said or intended. When we learn something new, we often make changes to other ideas we have held or if this makes us uncomfortable we decide to tweak the material that was presented so it fits our notions of how the world should be.
Ever play the game of gossip and noticed how distorted the original message became?
We may tune in and tune out adjusting what we do hear to make it more acceptable no matter what the content. We can have attacks of boredom. We can become irritated because we have to sit there and listen to the speaker drone on and on. We can day dream or even fall asleep. Pay attention there may be something useful there.
This also can apply to visual material like posters, power point presentations. Did you read the quote presented at the top of this post. Here it is again. How did it make you feel: comfortable or uncomfortable. Are you generally open and receptive? or do you not like someone else telling you what to do and/or commenting on your appearance, possessions, and family. You have your own ideas and are comfortable with them.
I realize when I jump to conclusions I don’t pay attention to what is being presented. Stereotypes of people and cultures leave much to be desired and prevent us from encompassing diversity and learning what these people and cultures are really like.
Now you may understand why that Active Listening (Carl Rogers) is so important in communication. Being able to repeat what the other person has said before giving your reply encourages people to hear everything that was said.
Are some people rude and obnoxious because they count on other people to be polite? Also do some people lie because other people won’t correct them for fear of being rude themselves? Some people say hurtful and insulting things because they don’t expect other people to call them on it. They will also tell lies because other people will often give them the benefit of the doubt or don’t want to start an argument.
What is often true is that the other person is uncouth and often cruel because they can get away with it. It is sometimes even extremely obvious that they are doing this but they think that no one will say anything and they usually don’t. Doing so often accounts for a period of stunned silence from the audience members with it being so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
For example, I once entered the room where a large family gathering was already going on and everybody looked to see who was coming in. The rude person in a loud voice asked, “Who cut your hair?” It was obvious that person was being critical of the way I looked. It had already been a long day for me and I replied, “Well, who asked you?” in front of the whole group. This was met by stunned silence not just at the initial comment that had been made but at my reply. I felt it had been very appropriate considering that this person made a game of doing such things.
Sometimes the only way you can handle such comments is by being rude, obnoxious, and impolite in return. Such cruel people love to embarrass people and often do this when they have a crowd for an audience. People who are crude this way often may unconsciously worry that they might have the same problem that they are pointing out in somebody else but we usually don’t call them on it.