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Domestic Violence

Domestic violence often lets the perpetrator get away with doing it and people may think that the victim probably deserved it and/or it was just a family quarrel.  Why then do police officers get killed answering domestic violence calls.  How many women, even men, suffer permanent injuries which ought to require hospitalisation and reconstructive surgery and they don’t get it.  What about the children that witness this violence even though they don’t get physically hurt themselves.  Who learns that it is okay to vent your anger upon another helpless individual when they can’t defend themselves.  When you are mad, the only way to handle it is to take it out on someone or something else especially when the source of that anger is not available to take it out on.  Imagine someone coming home from work and they are mad about something that happened that day and they pounce on any excuse to take out their anger on.

Domestic violence is not a silly husband and wife quarrel.  People like to dismiss this type of violence as it only was no real fight to be worried about because the victims often deny that they were hurt and/or that the perpetrator was or could be violent.  Since these people, usually wives and children or sometimes husbands and elderly relatives, have to live in the situation they might not complain as it would only make it worse.  They may have no place to go and/or no resources.  Police officers, who know how violent these situations can become, may try to pacify the perpetrators and overlook the potentially dangerous behaviour that could exist.  People often poo poo domestic violence calls saying why can’t these people solve their own problems or that the victims probably asked for it.  In truth, if police officers could show up in riot gear and have a backup, they would probably be a lot safer.  Also, you don’t know who is on who’s side.  This can be dangerous.  Do you think that social workers would or should answer these calls instead of the police?  Like in the Stockholm Syndrome. the victims can change sides and defend the preparatory.  The relationships

People often poo poo domestic violence calls saying why can’t these people solve their own problems or that the victims probably asked for it.  In truth, if police officers could show up in riot gear and have a backup, they would probably be a lot safer.  Also, you don’t know who is on who’s side.  This can be dangerous.  Do you think that social workers would or should answer these calls instead of the police?  Like in the Stockholm Syndrome. the victims can change sides and defend the perpetrator.

The home can be a place where violence is born, learned, reinforced, and perpetuated.  Yet we often ignore it or mistreat it until it ends in violence and it can be to some person outside the fight that comes to stop it.  Actually, we could learn much from the policemen or women who take these calls and the twists and turns that these situations develop when they are in them.

You never know what will happen to you when you enter and try to handle one of these situations.  I was a substitute psychiatric aide in a large insane asylum one summer when I was in college.  I was in charge of the cafeteria by myself while three wards ate.   We were locked in because one of the wards was a locked ward.There was cafeteria help but they would not help me deal with patients.  One of the wards I knew, but not the other two.  A patient acted up and started slinging mustard and ketchup around and I walked over to her calmly trying to calm her down.  I suggested that she ought to go to the bathroom and clean herself up. She suddenly slapped me in the face so hard that I wasn’t sure she hadn’t broken some of my teeth.  I was checking myself over when a nurse came into the cafeteria who knew the patient and they walked out together ignoring me.  ?

Where does violence begin, where is it reinforced, and often ignored?  Yet the histories of violent offenders who kill hapless citizens often start with domestic violence.  My cousin, a judge in Northern Illinois, started a special domestic violence diversion court for this.  This is going in the right direction.  Start with the cause, not the results!

FINALLY I AM FREE TO BE ME!

My happy face anyway!.

Finally I am free to be me.  Are you free to be you?

I just discovered in my old age (where I have found that insights blossom) I am no longer bound by what others think.  I don’t have to judge myself by people who are successful in my field or in any other field.  I am free to be me finally.  Instead of withering on the vine, I am growing again in new and different directions.  I grant that I have had difficulty with the judgments of me made by others.  I may not be the world’s expert on a subject, but more than likely they aren’t either.

Be on your guard as you may be greeted by the anger of others if you do assert yourself.  Attacking what is the most defended by others may reach the highest rewards.  Who am I?  Am I what I want to be and can be if I only let go of others’ past influences?  Make way for ME!  I am discovering things that were lost or discarded as not achievable.  Now can I trust my own judgment?

Would you, if you were a man, wear a suit that was tailored to fit some other man.  I had a husband who was very particular about collar sizes and sleeve lengths in his shirts.  I have discovered I only like music that is sung a certain way and any other versions can offend me.   (Am I right or wrong? )  Or have I discovered music for myself?

Failures do not always define you.  Whose judgment are you relying on?  Come home to the person you should know ( yourself) and glorify that.  This is not permission to clobber other people so you can have your own way, but you might make some people unhappy because they can no longer control you.  We all do not have the same tastes!

You probably can no longer be the peacemaker just giving in because someone with a louder voice is used to making a group’s decisions.  For example, such a person then picks the restaurant for a group to eat at which then decides what you can have to eat.  Avoiding conflict does keep the level of the drama down but at what price to you?

I am becoming well-defined as I age and have lumps and bumps that may not please others or that may interfere with what they (not I) want.  Who am I actually?  Do I have undiscovered talents and interests that I can use to shape “my world”?

Bullying The New Sport

(Rough Draft) As a victim of bullying, I have felt like the bull in the ring at a bullfight. Poked and prodded until he is exhausted, extremely angry, and unable to do anything about it but die.  There have been attempts to outlaw bullfights for humanitarian reasons, but they never get it done.

This seems to be the same way with bullying as the victim continues to suffer and is expected to fight back in his or her own defense against a more powerful foe or gang of bullies.  This seems to be shameful.  Where does it seem fair to gang up on someone like that who has no defenders and is seen as weak by his or her foes?

rp_300px-Anger_Controlls_Him.jpgBullying hurts.  It is not funny.  Doing this to a person who is already down.  If a group demands that you join them in bullying.  Remember it is a hate crime.  It can result in vicious mob behavior.  Sometimes persons who should be supervising this group, egg it on and join the “fun” instead.

Sometimes people create a separation between what they call just teasing and bullying.  They say it is all in fun and that the victim is thin skinned and needs to toughen up and to learn to take it without being a wimp.  These people do not see or care that the person’s self-image is being reinforced as negative when teased or name-calling.  Is it just in fun when the victim is being degraded and starts to carry around a nickname that is not flattering and really not funny to the victim?

rp_Send_It_On.pngHas overreaction to bullying and teasing that is not funny led to creating safe places and even offering play therapy where persons can go and take part if the behavior of others upsets them even though it is the right of others to have differing opinions and to share them in public.  Now have we created wimps like these?

Taking responsibility in dangerous or difficult situations can create a type of toughness and self-pride that does the person well in future situations where they must take charge of things or do something difficult.rp_1753458_5bbf0fa664_m.jpg

Related articles across the web

Life Doesn’t Come With An Instruction Manual!

rp_375649339_150_150.jpgLife doesn’t come with an instruction manual even though you deserve one.  You have to write your own!

Criticism is the little voice in your head that holds you back and hinders your performance.  Even though others say it is for your own good,  sometimes it isn’t.

rp_363849983_150_150.jpgReality is not always what you think it is or what you were told it is. You can miss seeing, hearing, feeling and experiencing some things because someone told you that you just were imagining things.

Sometimes as people get older they don’t get wiser, they just get more set in their ways.  Sometimes a strongly held theory or opinion becomes a person’s life jacket when he or she is drowning in new information.

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgHow hard is it for a person to change his or her mind?  This may be why people are told not to bring up religion or politics at the dinner table.  Maybe this is a good reason to think outside the box.  Many inventions were created this way.

Remember people are natural born originals and can’t be easily shaped into something that they are not.  Gemstones have to be cut into shapes that work with their natural structures.  What about individuals who are being shaped into contributing citizens?rp_6250513028_b874eef6f1_m.jpg

 

 

When Is A Compliment Is Not A Compliment? When Is Criticism Not Productive?

rp_7276688008_157c6001e4_m.jpgCriticism disguised as a compliment can be deadly as well as just plain mean and “snarky”.   Many a fainting flower has sub combed to the projected hatred of others even when he or she doesn’t deserve it.  One way is when a “put down” is disguised as a compliment.  Such an act can permanently damage one’s life.  How many people have stopped going to church when this is done by a “well-meaning?” individual?  “My, that is such a nice outfit.  Do you dress like this every day?”

A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?

A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?

Churches are supposed to be places where well-meaning individuals want to bring more individuals to Christ.  Or are they?  Some people in churches like to think that they are God’s chosen “elite” where only those properly initiated into the ways of the church are allowed to belong.  Membership seems to be by invitation only for those who will appreciate the selectiveness of their invitations and will protect and obey their canons.  If looks could kill, some people could die when they enter churches like this.

rp_366761818_150_150.jpgSome church people feel that their criticism of others is well- meaning and will make others better Christians and they are only being helpful; but often there is an underlying current of hatefulness,  righteous anger, and  severe judgmentalism.  When this is coupled with a victim’s underlying current of self-condemnation and guilt, it can be extremely damaging and make him or her feel unworthy of being a Christian and keep the person from ever going to that church or sometimes any church again.

 

Keep Your Comments To Yourself Or When Criticism Is Not Productive?

rp_366761818_150_150.jpg

Well, Shame On You! (Not All Nuns Act This Way)

Either I already know them or I don’t want to hear them.

Oh, you were just being nice or you wanted to set me straight?

You wanted to be sure I knew something so I wouldn’t embarrass myself or you!

You wanted to show off your superior knowledge and I was a willing victim.

Stop and think before you say something like that because you might reveal more about yourself  than you may reveal about me.

Truly meaningful and loving comments build me and you up at the same time.

Next post will be, “When A Compliment Is Not A compliment.”

Could Putdowns Be A Form Of Putting A Curse On Someone?

The witches (at least the bad ones) have gone and people don’t worry about curses being put upon them anymore or do they?  When people put you down to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves above you, are they really putting a curse on you especially if you or those around you tend to believe them?  The power in a curse is usually the strength that of the belief that the victim has in them.

rp_300px-Bullying_Irfe.jpgAlso, can putdowns be a form of domestic abuse?  Yes, a person can be emotionally as well as physically abused leaving them browbeaten and powerless.  Have you ever known a person who doesn’t ever seem to have something good to say about a family member and worse yet, other family members start to do it too.

A Perplexed Child

A Perplexed Child

Doing it to children is a heinous offense.  They often do not have a way of knowing that it is not true and they believe it.  Other family members, especially other children, will start to do it too.  “Monkey see; monkey do”  Also siblings seeing it done to a fellow sibling might think that they might be next so they keep the spotlight on their sibling’s faults and deficiencies.

rp_363561405_150_150.jpgIt is not a good joke if the person who is the object of the joke doesn’t laugh at it too.  When this happens to children, they are often reduced to tears.  The perpetrators say they don’t know why the object of the joke doesn’t think it is funny and they label him or her a “bad sport.”

Change Your Perspective, Change Your Attitude; Change Your Attitude, Change Your Perspective

Have you ever been told to change your attitude about something? For example, whether it is about “stay at home moms”, “homeschooling” or any subject up for discussion?

Have you ever thought about it this way?  Which comes first in this process, changing your attitude or changing your perspective?  Have you ever changed your attitude after you have changed your perspective? or vice versa?

rp_5617089955_d20fe0f1ab.jpgBecoming unsatisfied with the available public schools, might lead to you changing your mind about the appropriateness of homeschooling for your family.

Debate teams prepare to be able to defend both sides of a disputed issue and this prepares them to see the points of view or perspectives of both sides.  Lawyers often participate in debating in order to help them to be able to take both sides of a disputed issue such as “guilty” or “innocent” in court.

rp_2269499855_31a018a8f6_m.jpgWe often jump to conclusions and staunchly take one side in an upcoming vote in our government.  Who do we prize? People who can change their minds when necessary and alter their perspective to do this or people who stick to “their guns” no matter what?

Gaining knowledge is a process of gathering information and evaluating the appropriateness of it as well as altering theories when necessary to fit new information.

Versus Bad Vibrations

Versus Bad Vibrations

Think of how science has changed when it comes to considering what matter and energy are made of.   Initially, it was atoms, neutrons, and protons.  Then it was found that matter and energy were interchangeable.  Now we focus upon waves of energy as the foundation of matter.

Yes, being too flexible can be inappropriate at times.  For example, you go to a car show where different car dealers are offering their latest models for sale and as you go from booth to booth or exhibit after exhibit, you find yourself constantly persuaded that the latest car offered is the best.

rp_6544823393_9183bdeff5_m.jpgIt may be that from one perspective, i.e. cost, one vehicle is the best; but from the perspective of safety, another car is the best.  Or the vehicle that might attract the younger crowd appeals to the man or woman in a mid-life crisis.

 

Don’t Let Other People Get You Down

rp_Crookedfingersdignity.jpgAre you observant? sensitive? and/or vulnerable to other people’s problems?  Do the people around you often wind up raining on your parade?  Fear? frustration? anger? Almost all negative feelings can be catching.  Should you stay in such a situation because you feel that you have obligated yourself to stay?  That has often been my situation in the past….

I have walked out on one movie in my life.  I usually feel that I have to stay because I paid for it or because somebody else told me it was good.  I didn’t trust my own judgment!  However, there was one movie that mesmerized me and it was three hours long.  I didn’t move for three hours and suffered the consequences when I could hardly get up at the end!

rp_344686278_150_150.jpgI have learned to dodge people especially strangers when I see them coming towards me with a storm cloud surrounding them.  I know that I am not a part of their problem and I don’t want to become a part of their problem.  Sometimes I have seen people come for an evaluation and I just positively know that they want to and probably will make a complaint about me to the agency that referred them.

Sometimes it’s a parent or a relative of the person referred.  To them, I am a “professional” target.  They want to prove me wrong and possibly to get me in trouble.  I have played “turtle” with these people and kept my head in my shell to avoid conflict and did not confront them about their attitudes because that is what they seemed to want.

rp_333788350_150_150.jpgThere are also “poor me’s” who want to share and share their problems with you in order to ultimately prove they are unsolvable.  As both of you become more and more depressed in the process, no progress is made and perhaps the process has gone backward.

Don’t be a mirror and reflect other peoples’ problems.  Don’t soak up “bad” feelings and experience a downer.

On the other hand, be careful and don’t get sold on something another person is extremely positive about and make decisions you can’t back out of later.  Say let me take a minute, let me think about that, I’ll get back to you.  Even better say it is a decision you can’t make until you consult with another person you are involved with whether it is a financial planner,  spouse, or boss.

Genuine feelings can be shared and it can be a great experience whether it is happiness or grief.  I once cried with one of my daughters over a lost relationship.  I never regretted that.  Sharing feelings can be relationship building.  You also don’t want to be a cold fish that never seems to care about anything.  Sometimes food can’t be enjoyed because the person eating it can’t taste it.

Exhilaration can be catching.  Have you ever laughed so hard that you couldn’t catch your breath?  One of the most solemn persons I know grew up in an orphanage.  He or she did not do without the necessities of life or responsible caregivers, but there was something lacking in his childhood and it was the mutual sharing of feelings.

Before There Was Political Correctness For All Of America. There Was Political Correctness For Psychologists

debate_defined_shirts-rd63506e86f7c40c8a576c9480034df60_va6lr_512                                          Not Allowed Here!

Training for psychologists has always been politically correct and it always hampered the services we delivered.  We are in a world where values are not to be taught and religion should not be practiced.  If there are no longer any role models allowed, what will a Godless state be like?

I was trained to not offend clients by talking about values and religion unless they brought it up.  Also I was not to critique their beliefs or offer other alternatives unless they did.  If I said anything counter to this and offended someone, I was called on the carpet and once lost my job.

rp_319628280_150_150.jpg                                        Giving A Helping Hand

Values are to be challenged and religious beliefs ought to be discussed.  We are so politically correct sometimes that we can not say something a person needs to hear!  Who would you like to live next to?  A person with no values and possibly no conscience or a person who has and practices good values?

People do acquire values anyway and if we prevent them from being discussed in school or counseling, what is left?  “Bad Guys” don’t feel bad about promoting their values and acting them out.  Young people find role models somewhere if they don’t have them at home, school, or church, or in a mentoring situation either individual or group.