With what is going on in Europe now with boundary problems, it is getting more and more clear that having little or no boundaries makes them vulnerable to people who will take advantage of that.
You think you are a good person and that others are good people too. Not setting appropriate boundaries leaves you wide open to people who don’t think like you do. It also leaves you wide open when you should be setting boundaries like with children and people who work under your supervision. Are you the kind of parent or boss who often winds up picking up after their children and/or doing someone else’s work along with your own?
How long can you do this type of thing without feeling angry? “Read my lips” no more “nice” guy or girl. You also lose people’s respect too. I have grandchildren and I can tell who does and who does not set boundaries with the grandchildren by the children’s behavior. You are courting chaos when you don’t do this.
Righteous anger? Is that possible? Is it polite? When we continue to let people take advantage of us (and we know it) aren’t we lying? Isn’t this a “sin?” of omission? So this person or child takes advantage of us figuring we don’t really say what we mean.
Please help me build a better website:
Progress in my life has often been scary and painful and I often did not work on solving problems because I didn’t want to face the pain involved. This is especially true in interpersonal situations. Do you think that the most progress is made when something is easy to do? Be honest with yourself….
Progress can not always be assured even when we face something painful and that is potentially painful too. Could we learn something? This is something that could realistically happen. Learning can be painful too especially when you have to give up all or part of a long-held belief system.
When confronted with new conflicting information about a belief that a person has long held, people can either reject the new information in some way or change it so it fits their paradigm. The other option is to change their belief system to fit the new information. This is what learning is all about.
Some people are not really looking for conflicting information as it makes them uncomfortable so they back away from confrontations. They think there always has to be a winner or a loser in a disagreement and they are programmed not to lose because it hurts too. Compromise is sometimes a new thing to some people because of this.
When people come to new understandings about things, they can both be winners. They understand each other better and can anticipate making better decisions without out so much potential “flack” from the other partner.
Why people can’t change:
1. They would have to admit they were wrong about something.
2. They might have to make some other changes too.
3. It would take too much time.
4. They are waiting for somebody else to change first.
5. They would have to admit that they wasted time or money doing the wrong thing.
6. They might have to admit that somebody else was right and they were wrong or too much pride and too much emphasis on winning some type of competition.
7. Having to be always right even if it kills you.
Why they should change:
1. To stop putting money down a rat hole.
2. To become an example for somebody else.
3. To stop wasting time defending why they can’t change.
4. To save more time and money after investing some current time and money making a change.
5. To stop having to hide some deficiency from others.
6. To learn something new.
In the long run there are great benefits: For example, learning to drive as an adult. Erased my dependency on others. Gave me freedom.
Freudian psychotherapists have raised the subject of transference in the relationship between a therapist and a client. Transference can go both ways. Something about the client makes them see the therapist in a certain way. Sometimes something about the therapist makes them see the client in a certain way.
Education in a profession such as psychotherapy can lead the practitioner to believe they must present themselves as experts in the field and as not vulnerable to the types of things that bring ordinary clients into therapy. This can lead to rationalization and denial on the therapists part.
Rationalization means that the therapst can create a good explanation as to why he or she is not vulnerable to the types of problems his or her patients have. Denial can also result from the taking of this position and it can cause therapy to not move forward for the client.
Personal growth is one way possibly to help stop this from happening. Does the development of one’s self-concept and concept of life stop with attaining one’s maturity whether at 18, 21, or 35? No, it does not. Our perspective on life constantly changes with new experiences.
Honestly does a psychotherapist think that they can understand exactly how they learned to be who they think they are and stop growing. Wouldn’t personal growth experiences for psychotherapists help with this?
Is there only one answer? Hasn’t science found this out. What things did scientists believe were true when your parents were children and what have you or your children learned in the present that scientists’ did not know or believe then?
Remember the old saying, “Do as I say!” not “Do as I do!”
Also the more defensive barbed wire a therapist puts between him or herself and what he or she is asking their patient to do, the more “phony” and indefensible they become as therapists.
New learning and new growth leads to enthusiasm to carry this over into the psychotherapist’s work. Insights developed this way can help a therapist be more responsive in therapy. I now hear and see more things than I used to see or hear in everyday interpersonal interaction.
For example I can still learn from a four year old that grandma is not always smiling and looking happy when she thinks she is especially when I am feeling that I am working at something and forgeting to enjoy doing it.
Criticism and put-downs can be a form of mental abuse and so can sarcasm and being told that you can’t take a joke. Constant volleys of such “verbal” abuse can wear a person down and definitely not help them back up. It is often used in arguments to denigrate the opinions and/or wishes of those being put down. The partner might find him or herself spending more time defending themselves than having a constructive arguement.
Nagging can result from such interactions. If a person is never allowed to win an argument by the means cited above, they may resort to nagging as a substitute for not being able to win in an argument. Nagging can be a symptom of a relationship where one person doesn’t do something that the other person wants and in an argument over this issue, the other person feels that they don’t have to a chance to win.
Such forms of interaction discussed above can result in a negative living situation with one or both persons involved feeling “less than” and unable to cope. Being constantly “put-down” does not generate a comfortable situation and it can become a constant war zone in which one person always wants to win and the other person doesn’t feel they have a chance.
Punishment is not a good way to encourage certain forms of behavior; positive reinforcement is. Also on many issues over which partners fight there is often no one “right” answer. Many such arguments are about personal preferences and not absolutes although some people like to think that they are. Mother nature and our environments are set up to encourage certain types of tastes and certain types of skills.
For example, if I have sensitive hearing, I may prefer certain types of music over other types. Does that make me right or wrong when I argue with a person with different sensitivites and experiences. For example, I do not like most “bluegrass music,” certain old time country music, and polkas (unless they are extremely “lively”). However that doesn’t mean that I don’t like music as a whole.
It often boils down to a whole issue of control. If I maintain that the things I like and like to do are the only “right” ones than I can be sure that I won’t have to do or experience anything different that I might not like. In one relationship I was in, I was not allowed to eat any onions cooked or raw at home or away from home for he could always tell if I did and he didn’t like them.
Nobody is happy if only one person is in control of the relationship. The winner might get tired of having to tell the loser everything they are supposed to do and the loser might get tired of never having “any choice”. This can be the motive for murder where one partner kills the other.
Why didn’t we learn to help ourselves in school? Where were the role models of good adjustment at home? Parents are often as clueless as their children and are afraid to admit it when they didn’t also get the instruction at home or school.
There are self-help books for adults. Where are they for children? Do parents feel that it is to their advantage to have children who don’t know anymore than than they did when they were children?
Do children learn how to deal with life from video games, violent programs, or from the drama they see and/or experience at home. Values, ideals, and spirituality are close to being forbidden in schools or anywhere in the public eye. Wholesome shows have been replaced by shows with lots of drama providing bad examples of how to behave in relationships or deal with problems.
Practicing therapy can be a frustrating business especially when it comes after a person’s beliefs and problem-solving behaviors have become crystallized and so much a part of a person’s identity that they feel threatened when challenged to change. It has a lot to do with how a person’s self-esteem is developed and the practices that they are taught to maintain it. Lying, deceiving, and avoiding responsibility are often used by someone when a person is afraid of being criticized and ultimately rejected.
What results is a fear of change and a learned helplessness instead of developing helpful problem-solving skills and a desire to change for the sake of doing better. We are evolving individuals and making mistakes and changing what we do or think is part of the process. I once wrote a story or a poem about “Old King Never Ever Wrong”.
Stories are to teach and not just to amuse or vent rage. Before most people could read or write stories were a way of teaching things and were passed down orally from generation to generation in order to do this. What about the parables Jesus told in the Bible? What about the Bible stories that are still taught in Sunday school or church?
If you smile with your eyes, you are not telling lies. What do you think? We have been trained to give a false smile if we want to be polite or to not offend somebody or to not be seen as unfriendly. Most people smile just with their mouths when they do this. Do you smile with your whole face? Do you just “beam” when you do this?
Many of us practice denial most of the time and say we are happy or not mad when we really aren’t. How do we get trained to do this? I see many people with unhappy, sad, or “down in the mouth” looks on their faces and when i “call them on it” they deny it. Who are they fooling? or do they really think that they are not showing their real feelings?
Children are great “truth” tellers and objective observers until they learn how to be polite and lie about what they feel, see, or think. How often are you congruent? That is how often does your facial expression or body posture match the content of what you say you are feeling inside or how you feel about someone else or something else?
How often do we really look into someone one’s eyes and see what is actually there. From early on in childhood, we camouflage genuine feelings in ourselves and even punish others, especially children, for saying or acting like what they really feel.
An animated face conveys interest in someone or something and verifies what the person is saying with their voice. How often do we call people on it when they don’t do this even though they say that they really feel involved and interested?
Once you give up this pretense of being polite and telling white lies, people often think you are acting childishly and not like a grown up when you actually have grown up and are now dealing with reality.
Are some people rude and obnoxious because they count on other people to be polite? Also do some people lie because other people won’t correct them for fear of being rude themselves? Some people say hurtful and insulting things because they don’t expect other people to call them on it. They will also tell lies because other people will often give them the benefit of the doubt or don’t want to start an argument.
What is often true is that the other person is uncouth and often cruel because they can get away with it. It is sometimes even extremely obvious that they are doing this but they think that no one will say anything and they usually don’t. Doing so often accounts for a period of stunned silence from the audience members with it being so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
For example, I once entered the room where a large family gathering was already going on and everybody looked to see who was coming in. The rude person in a loud voice asked, “Who cut your hair?” It was obvious that person was being critical of the way I looked. It had already been a long day for me and I replied, “Well, who asked you?” in front of the whole group. This was met by stunned silence not just at the initial comment that had been made but at my reply. I felt it had been very appropriate considering that this person made a game of doing such things.
Sometimes the only way you can handle such comments is by being rude, obnoxious, and impolite in return. Such cruel people love to embarrass people and often do this when they have a crowd for an audience. People who are crude this way often may unconsciously worry that they might have the same problem that they are pointing out in somebody else but we usually don’t call them on it.
Keep it on defrost. Have you ever walked into a store or meeting place and seen a person with his face all screwed up into a frown? You can react to it or ignore it. You might even try to break the ice. It all depends on that person’s commitment to being that way. How do you melt a frozen heart? Send out waves of consideration and kindness. The person could just be having a hard day.. If the atmosphere is warm enough, then the ice might melt.
Some people are committed to being cold-hearted. Usually they are disappointed in the world and set up a strong line of defense to keep people from crossing the barriers that they have put up. They know people and they don’t trust them. They might have something that somebody else would try to get.
It builds a person’s self-esteem and sense of power to be able to ward people off this way. Once long ago, possibly they let someone in and got badly disappointed. This is usually a loner position and violated what usually is an infant’s first goal in life to develop a sense of trust that his needs might be meant.
There often is no compromise with a person who is frozen in this way. It is often with a sense of pride that they hold this view. You can get frostbite if they focus their cold death ray on you.
Here are two examples of people with possibly broken, shattered, once icy cold hearts who will remain nameless. Yes, I have forgotten some of the details; but I got a chill both times. In fact, I almost got pneumonia in one case if it weren’t for the intervention of a bystander who initially agreed with the person and had second thoughts.
Imagine getting three children ranging from a preschooler to a toddler to a baby ready to go someplace. It often involved changing at least one change of clothes (sometimes mine) before we could leave. We sat at the back of the church and it was hard to get anything out of the service because at least one child was always acting up. The most notorious thing one of the children ever did was to run away down the aisle to the altar. Things happening like this always created a dilemma over which of the children should be attended to. Yes, I was basically a single parent on Sunday.
To go on with the story, I got shanghaied later in the restroom by a very irate lady who ensured me that her children were always perfectly behaved in church and turned out to be doctors and lawyers etc. I am trying to decide if this lady manufactured a hail storm or just a sleet storm to fall on me. I was young and didn’t know all that I know now about people who righteously criticize others. Just a moment, could this qualify as bullying in modern day terms?
Recently I introduced myself to a nice person who seemed to have similar interests to my childhood family back home . It didn’t take long before I found out he was a person who took pride in setting the line and didn’t mind seeing people fall off of it and possibly get hurt. He seemed set in his ways and he was proud of this stance. This person’s heart seemed to be semi-frozen like a nice cold margarita fresh from being crushed with ice in a blender. Not my taste but I sensed a certain rigidity and left to get off the subject which was no longer about our similar interests.
Here I stand I can not do otherwise is fine in battle or in politics when a stand needs to be made and held in the interest of helping people who may not be able to help themselves. There is no justification for taking over leadership just to justify the accumulation of power or wealth. Sometimes in the former instance and not the latter instance, a leader can be like tempered iron and hold sway over part of this world we have been given to oversee and be an appropriate caretaker.
Oh, Oh, I have been thinking again and have just got to get it out where you and I can see it and read it. So here again is another rough draft.
You don’t see it all. Don’t you think that you could trip over something if you didn’t see it and you might get badly hurt. Most of us do this all the time psychologically. If it hurts to think of something, it is easier sometimes to forget it. If we have a fault, it feels better to focus on the faults of others rather than our own. Where do you think gossip c0mes from?
If we have a significant failure in our life or think we lack ability in an important area, we might overcompensate by focusing all our time and energy in another area where we think we are might be able to do better or there is less competition. This often happens in families where an older sibling is a star athlete or straight A scholar. Have you ever heard about a young girl who is attractive and limber and says she won’t try out for cheerleader because her old sister or cousin was one and she couldn’t compete. Are we just fooling ourselves (“Pride goeth before a fall”) or are we making it to a bad situation.
For example, frequently extremely talented people when their performances turn into money making propositions, often neglect to get good help in managing their assets and live in a fantasy land where they don’t have to think about things like that. They often give over control of their own organization to someone else while retaining the right to spend what they earn as they see fit. Can’t you see the train wreck coming in this type of situation?Freud called these tendencies to avoid psychological pain and difficulties defense mechanisms. They are projection, overcompensation, denial, repression, and rationalization. As good a job as they do of protecting us, they can get in our way of living a full and healthy life.
For example, if you lived in an area with poisonous snakes denying that they lived in your part of the country, might lead to a dangerous surprise someday especially if you go to an area where these snakes are known to live and come out of hiding to lay in the warm sun because they are cold blooded creatures and you both pick the same sunny spot?! to sun bath. In this case ignorance is not bliss.Blame rhymes with shame and that is what we feel when we do this. Shaming is a powerful tool used by significant others and others in power over us to keep us from doing something or to get us to do something. Shame seems to have no useful purpose but to thwart us in our desires. Often this turns into a situation like in the story about the emperor’s new clothes. The tailor had the emperor thinking that he had such a fine cloth to make him a new outfit that only very special people could see it and thus were able to wear it. How the townspeople laughed when they saw him in the new outfit that the tailor had made for him and they could only see he had only underclothes.What we see, hear, smell, taste, and feel with our senses and what we make of them are our perceptions. After you go to bed and turn most of the lights off, you won’t be able to see anything until your eyes adjust and then what you see will be mainly black and white and not as clear as you normally would see it. Now do you know why toddlers see monsters and are afraid of the dark at bedtime.
Last night my little grand daughter was spending the night and sleeping on the couch. She keep asking about that black thing over there in the corner and was not satisfied until I went over there and found what she was looking at, a dark blue throw in a heap on the floor next to Grandpa’s recliner. Since she trusted me and I reassured her with my actions by checking it, she went to sleep.Children are less stupid than we give them credit for being. They know less than we do and may have put together what they know in a guileless way, but it still makes sense if you can see it from their point of view. Unhappily sometimes it is easier to put these children off or tell them a convenient lie than to spend the time it really takes to understand and deal with the situation. For example, the old there are no monsters under the bed comment which can lead to tears on the child’s part and frustration on the adult’s part.
Do we hide stuff from ourselves by using such things as defense mechanisms? Then do they come back to haunt us in the future? Maybe it is better when you do see it all, no matter how uncomfortable that makes us. How often does one partner not see it coming when the other partner asks for a divorce and/or has an affair? Yes, we do have to focus in order to get anything done like texting while driving but then we might fatally fail to attend to something else that was going on at the same time.