I didn’t think about it until some of my family was talking about her and something she said to a person at the occasion where I saw her who was recovering from a recent total rejection by someone he or she had been in a relationship with for a long time.
It was very hurtful to hear about because it was obvious that this person had come to the party to at least distract his or herself from thinking about their recent loss. The lady’s tone of voice was very sweet and it was obvious that she probably would say, if asked, that she was just expressing her concern.
Again I didn’t think about it; but the family members talking about the interaction felt that what the lady did was inappropriate and reminded the person she was talking to of his or her painful experience and the fact that he or she might be not be over it.
It wasn’t til later today thinking over what was said that I remembered that I never felt comfortable around that person because I often felt that she was insincere, possibily even phony, when she was trying to be nice.
The way the person said what she said and the circumstances under which she said it made it difficult for the person receiving her inquiry to tell her to leave him or her alone as he or she did not feel like talking about it; but the damage had already been done.
What do you think? You know what I think. Perhaps this is judgmental of me but perhaps this is a reminder to trust your gut feelings. If something feels wrong even if it sounds okay, it still might be wrong. Could she have been faking it? Could she have been passive-aggressive and by shoving the knife in a little farther reminding him or her of their sorrow?
Freudian psychotherapists have raised the subject of transference in the relationship between a therapist and a client. Transference can go both ways. Something about the client makes them see the therapist in a certain way. Sometimes something about the therapist makes them see the client in a certain way.
Education in a profession such as psychotherapy can lead the practitioner to believe they must present themselves as experts in the field and as not vulnerable to the types of things that bring ordinary clients into therapy. This can lead to rationalization and denial on the therapists part.
Rationalization means that the therapst can create a good explanation as to why he or she is not vulnerable to the types of problems his or her patients have. Denial can also result from the taking of this position and it can cause therapy to not move forward for the client.
Personal growth is one way possibly to help stop this from happening. Does the development of one’s self-concept and concept of life stop with attaining one’s maturity whether at 18, 21, or 35? No, it does not. Our perspective on life constantly changes with new experiences.
Honestly does a psychotherapist think that they can understand exactly how they learned to be who they think they are and stop growing. Wouldn’t personal growth experiences for psychotherapists help with this?
Is there only one answer? Hasn’t science found this out. What things did scientists believe were true when your parents were children and what have you or your children learned in the present that scientists’ did not know or believe then?
Remember the old saying, “Do as I say!” not “Do as I do!”
Also the more defensive barbed wire a therapist puts between him or herself and what he or she is asking their patient to do, the more “phony” and indefensible they become as therapists.
New learning and new growth leads to enthusiasm to carry this over into the psychotherapist’s work. Insights developed this way can help a therapist be more responsive in therapy. I now hear and see more things than I used to see or hear in everyday interpersonal interaction.
For example I can still learn from a four year old that grandma is not always smiling and looking happy when she thinks she is especially when I am feeling that I am working at something and forgeting to enjoy doing it.
If you smile with your eyes, you are not telling lies. What do you think? We have been trained to give a false smile if we want to be polite or to not offend somebody or to not be seen as unfriendly. Most people smile just with their mouths when they do this. Do you smile with your whole face? Do you just “beam” when you do this?
Many of us practice denial most of the time and say we are happy or not mad when we really aren’t. How do we get trained to do this? I see many people with unhappy, sad, or “down in the mouth” looks on their faces and when i “call them on it” they deny it. Who are they fooling? or do they really think that they are not showing their real feelings?
Children are great “truth” tellers and objective observers until they learn how to be polite and lie about what they feel, see, or think. How often are you congruent? That is how often does your facial expression or body posture match the content of what you say you are feeling inside or how you feel about someone else or something else?
How often do we really look into someone one’s eyes and see what is actually there. From early on in childhood, we camouflage genuine feelings in ourselves and even punish others, especially children, for saying or acting like what they really feel.
An animated face conveys interest in someone or something and verifies what the person is saying with their voice. How often do we call people on it when they don’t do this even though they say that they really feel involved and interested?
Once you give up this pretense of being polite and telling white lies, people often think you are acting childishly and not like a grown up when you actually have grown up and are now dealing with reality.
Theresa Caputo (the Long Island Medium) is not a phony. She is very real. And why is she so real? She tells the truth and nothing but the truth. I went to her presentation at a local center (Ford Center in Evansville IN) with two friends, We were also mesmerized by her presence and the type of audience her presentation attracted.
We got to see the real her: longer hair, a bright blue attractive dress, and sparkly heels. (I wondered how she negotiated moving around on the floor in them?). She told us exactly what she would do and not do and how she utilized her fan club. She was very honest and straight forward and I hung on her every word which I could do because cameras (only used for the presentation and then erased) and microphones followed her around and we could see her facial expressions and the reactions of those that she read.
Spirit seemed to pick the most urgent cases. Those which would have left the theater in a turmoil with no feelings re leaved from a sudden tragic death or deaths and guilt not resolved. Although, I did not receive a reading, I got some insight into deaths I have suffered and about my own metaphysical gifts.
She is what she is. She is not fake and even excused herself from reading for people who had messages or pictures that could be seen on camera because if she had read these people she might have been be accused of getting information from these things and not spirit.
It was a very intense situation and she had a very intentive and polite audience. (Also please note that there were people there some from Ford Center and some from her own staff to help out and they did so without distracting or impeding what was going on. )
Theresa was gracious and even invited two randomly chosen audience members behind stage after the show. There was no press of people to get her attention and autographs after the show nor were any books sold; but when she was in the auditorium, she moved freely among the members of the audience.
It was obvious to me that she was “on” the entire time and that there was nothing “canned” nor was there material that was used as “filler.” You came to see Theresa and there was no “staff” between her and the audience. I just had to say, “Thank God.” She was very honest about her beliefs and the most surprising one was that she believes that there is no hell.
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Have You Been Brain Washed As A Child?
It is likely that you have.
In order to understand our world, we quickly accept our parents and others views of the world and begin to reject or deny those things that don’t fit these preconceived notions. How much evidence from our own senses do we reject in order to fit in? Researchers have found that sounds not used in our native language atrophy if we don’t use them. How many other things atrophy from disuse. Our caregivers teach us what to pay attention to and what not to pay attention to and thus, limiting what we take in in terms of our senses (normal vs. paranormal?). Yes, if some limiting does not get done, a child will be confused by all the input coming from his or her senses and his or her ability to pay attention will be impaired.
For example, still today professionals in my field, psychology, deny that children see monsters in their rooms when they try to go to sleep and give advice to parents that they should reassure their children, when this happens, that this is not so, and not to encourage them to make a big deal of it. This can make children doubt their senses and this can be seen as a form of manipulation.
Recently I have discovered that this is not true. Things do look different in a darkened bedroom with only a little light from a night light or from the hall through a barely open door. Our pupils dilate in these circumstance and we can see more with less light. True, it is the multitude of black and white sensors (which are called rods) in the retina that perceive this as they are the most sensitive in this type of situation of low light. Also their accuracy in perceiving things is only fair unlike that of the cones which are not operating. Cones perceive things in bright light and do so with a lot more accuracy than the rods which take over and dominate when there is not much light. Part of the reason for this is that there are more rods than cones.
I’ve tried this out in my bedroom in the middle of the night and things don’t look the same as they do when the room is well lite. I often initially have difficulty figuring out what things are, even familiar things like my spouse laying besides me. I am an adult and I know that this is happening. What about about a child who naturally sees things differently when the light is dim and he or she may see formless shapes that don’t look familiar and is scared. A parent denying that this happens doesn’t make it go away and further more it doesn’t change what and how children see in their dimly lite bedrooms. It just encourages them to deny that what is really happening is true.
Often the child learns that asking for reassurance doesn’t work. It just teaches them to keep it to themselves and to be afraid of the dark like I was as a child. The only time I could sleep comfortably is when there was another person staying in the room with me or when I had a low wattage light nearby where I could see it. This fear can spread farther if parents’ continue to tell children to deny what they see and how it makes them feel.
For awhile there was a lot of research on the “double bind”and how it was often found in families of schizophrenics (which is a serious mental illness) and their ability to think and reason is also often impaired. A family member would say one thing when he or she obviously looked like and or sounded like he or she meant something else. For example, by holding a small child at arm’s length and saying, “I love you.” Sometimes adults’ think that they are being polite when they do this and often people are trained to not “see” this or if they do, to not comment on it. This can completely mix up a child’s brain. He or she can not be confident that what they are seeing and/or hearing is what they are actually seeing or hearing.
Genuineness can become a rare commodity if this is constantly done. The child’s gut feels one thing when he or she is told that the person with them is not feeling that way. Lately people have been told to trust their intuition or instincts more. So many people have shut off that “still small voice” so often that they don’t hear it anymore. How often have we been taught not only what to think, but also what to feel. Does the word “propaganda” sound familiar? It starts when parents are uncomfortable with children who see and feel things like they really are and that is not what the parent wants the child to see and hear. This makes them uncomfortable because they don’t want a child to feel or think that way for some reason. What is the difference, if any, between this and outright deliberate lying?
We naturally are able to perceive many different things and people find it easier to deny this ability in others so they can control them, not only what they do, but also what they think. We are not a bunch of sheep who must be herded in the direction that the “shepherd” wants us to go for his or her own convenience or nefarious ends.
How often have we heard the response, “No, I am not angry,” when a person obviously is. Lying is often a convenient thing to do. It aids in the manipulation of others and has almost become a way of life for many if not all people. In this society we continually put people down and this most often happens after we have encouraged someone to tell the truth.
Don’t put people down. There are enough people doing it already. Bring them up instead. No wonder we are so sensitive. Sometimes I feel that I should be wearing a suit of armor. This is often done in childhood when it is most easily done. Children are innocent and don’t realize what is being done to them. Do people put other people down just so they can bring themselves up? Sounds phony doesn’t it?
What do you think? Continuing to explore this issue, was your childhood family motto:”Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?” More on this in a future post.
(Short; but not too sweet.)
Do you ever listen to what you say to others? Did you ever try to take your own advice? What kind of advice you give can be very self-revealing. Carefully done it is like looking in a mirror and seeing yourself reflected there, not someone else.
What are the problems that you see others as having that bother you the most? Could it be very revealing to list them and see if you often have them too? Make a list of the things that bother you the most. Put them somewhere where you can look at them. Either inside a cupboard door or the bathroom cabinet door or out on a mirror where you will get a chance to look at it every day.
Ever hear someone say, “I don’t see why someone should do something or something should be done about that?, ” and it is clearly descriptive of what the person them-self needs to do or have done.
Don’t let yourself read this with a self-satisfied smirk as you apply it to someone else and forget who this is really about! “You!” Whose behavior can you really change? “Yours!”
Mine is to tell the truth, sometimes the hardest thing for me to do, as I fear and think that I can’t handle rejection. Why do we reject others, when we don’t want to be rejected ourselves?
Do you let others make you feel bad when you have done nothing wrong. Some people call this a “guilt trip” but this is more complicated. Some people thrive on the fact that they can make other people feel bad so they can get what they want from them. Some people make “their living” by manipulating others into doing what they want them to do. It is also known as the game of “Gotcha Ya!” Why feel responsible for your own behavior when you can make others feel guilty for doubting you. Some of us have a “guilty conscience” which is easily manipulated even when we have done nothing wrong. This lets other people who don’t really care about your feelings get away with “murder”.
This works especially well when you can get an innocent person to doubt that he or she (who you know will get the blame) did the right thing? Do you know that you have to have a conscience in order to to be manipulated in this way. I don’t know if knowing this is happening will make you feel better when it happens to you; but it should.
Yes, it is a scam and the person perpetuating this scam will continue to do this to you or other ones that you love until they no longer can get away with it. This usually never happens because they usually can get people to feel a shadow of a doubt that something is going on here. Worse comes to worse these people will move on to other people if they can no longer get away with this with you , your friends, or family.
They often rely on the fact that you will not check the facts and that the other people involved in the scheme don’t know you and/or that you won’t contact them to check things out. Lying is usually not a problem for these manipulators. If you can be fooled this way then you deserve to be scammed. At the very least, it will not cost you much to bail them out or make something right so that they or the person they are lying about won’t have to suffer. They believe in spreading the “wealth” and they are just helping it along. And the better they are at this game the less likely they will get caught.
They really don’t like people to get to know them well and may or may not move on when they think that somebody might get onto their game. You may notice that they seem to know more about you than you do about them. They are always moving around, trying to get a new job, and when they ask for help you may not have heard from them in a awhile and not have known what they have been doing. They can find you easy enough but you have difficulty finding them as their addresses, jobs, and phones may have changed or be cut off. You are never sure of the “facts” and you often known how or with whom you can check them. You are often an “open book” and they can easily find you and check up on you. One I knew had the gall to find their phone number and to call some friends of ours to check up on us “on a fact? finding mission.”.
The biggest price besides maybe money is that you feel “bad” whenever this happens to you and they attempt to make you feel bad when there is no reason for you to feel bad and every reason to doubt them and not feel bad. They also may get your family and friends to sympathize with them and believe you did something wrong too.
I would apologize to Robin Williams; but I can’t since he has passed away. However, in this picture, he has that “look” like he is signaling to you that you have done something naughty and that you should be at least a little bit ashamed.
Keep it on defrost. Have you ever walked into a store or meeting place and seen a person with his face all screwed up into a frown? You can react to it or ignore it. You might even try to break the ice. It all depends on that person’s commitment to being that way. How do you melt a frozen heart? Send out waves of consideration and kindness. The person could just be having a hard day.. If the atmosphere is warm enough, then the ice might melt.
Some people are committed to being cold-hearted. Usually they are disappointed in the world and set up a strong line of defense to keep people from crossing the barriers that they have put up. They know people and they don’t trust them. They might have something that somebody else would try to get.
It builds a person’s self-esteem and sense of power to be able to ward people off this way. Once long ago, possibly they let someone in and got badly disappointed. This is usually a loner position and violated what usually is an infant’s first goal in life to develop a sense of trust that his needs might be meant.
There often is no compromise with a person who is frozen in this way. It is often with a sense of pride that they hold this view. You can get frostbite if they focus their cold death ray on you.
Here are two examples of people with possibly broken, shattered, once icy cold hearts who will remain nameless. Yes, I have forgotten some of the details; but I got a chill both times. In fact, I almost got pneumonia in one case if it weren’t for the intervention of a bystander who initially agreed with the person and had second thoughts.
Imagine getting three children ranging from a preschooler to a toddler to a baby ready to go someplace. It often involved changing at least one change of clothes (sometimes mine) before we could leave. We sat at the back of the church and it was hard to get anything out of the service because at least one child was always acting up. The most notorious thing one of the children ever did was to run away down the aisle to the altar. Things happening like this always created a dilemma over which of the children should be attended to. Yes, I was basically a single parent on Sunday.
To go on with the story, I got shanghaied later in the restroom by a very irate lady who ensured me that her children were always perfectly behaved in church and turned out to be doctors and lawyers etc. I am trying to decide if this lady manufactured a hail storm or just a sleet storm to fall on me. I was young and didn’t know all that I know now about people who righteously criticize others. Just a moment, could this qualify as bullying in modern day terms?
Recently I introduced myself to a nice person who seemed to have similar interests to my childhood family back home . It didn’t take long before I found out he was a person who took pride in setting the line and didn’t mind seeing people fall off of it and possibly get hurt. He seemed set in his ways and he was proud of this stance. This person’s heart seemed to be semi-frozen like a nice cold margarita fresh from being crushed with ice in a blender. Not my taste but I sensed a certain rigidity and left to get off the subject which was no longer about our similar interests.
Here I stand I can not do otherwise is fine in battle or in politics when a stand needs to be made and held in the interest of helping people who may not be able to help themselves. There is no justification for taking over leadership just to justify the accumulation of power or wealth. Sometimes in the former instance and not the latter instance, a leader can be like tempered iron and hold sway over part of this world we have been given to oversee and be an appropriate caretaker.
We often look without seeing, hear without listening. We miss so much precious information when we are in too much of a hurry to go somewhere or do something to spend the time to process it. It is surprising to discover that the smiles of children sparkle; their voices tinkle with a tune. Little children spread happiness and it is contagious.
Usually if we can’t accept what we are hearing or seeing, we just deny it. Psychically other people can be an open book if we are reading their expressions to get more information about them so we can understand them better and help them.
Spread the word. Life can be a bowl or cherries or a box of chocolates if you want it to be. Ever start the day by getting out on the wrong side of the bed? That has serious repercussions. Pay attention to how you start the day and do it in a different way for your own sake.