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discernment

Do You Let Others Make You Feel Bad When You Have Done Nothing Wrong?

rp_291253057_150_150.jpgDo you let others make you feel bad when you have done nothing wrong.  Some people call this a “guilt trip” but this is more complicated. Some people thrive on the fact that they can make other people feel bad so they can get what they want from them.  Some people make “their living” by manipulating others into doing what they want them to do.  It is also known as the game of “Gotcha  Ya!”  Why feel responsible for your own behavior when you can make others feel guilty for doubting you.  Some of us have a “guilty conscience” which is easily manipulated even when we have done nothing wrong.  This lets other people who don’t really care about your feelings get away with “murder”.

This works especially well when you can get an innocent person to doubt that he or she  (who you know will get the blame) did the right thing?  Do you know that you have to have a conscience in order to to be manipulated in this way.  I don’t know if knowing this is happening will make you feel better when it happens to you; but it should.

Yes, it is a scam and the person perpetuating this scam will continue to do this to you or other ones that you love until they no longer can get away with it.  This usually never happens because they usually can get people to feel a shadow of a doubt that something is going on here.  Worse comes to worse these people will move on to other people if they can no longer get away with this with you , your friends, or family.

Stop Letting Others Manipulate You.

Stop Letting Others Manipulate You.

The People Of The Lie Are Excellant Manipulators Because they Have No Conscience

The People Of The Lie Are Excellant Manipulators Because they Have No Conscience

They often rely on the fact that you will not check the facts and that the other people involved in the scheme don’t know you and/or that you won’t contact them to check things out.  Lying is usually not a problem for these manipulators.  If you can be fooled this way then you deserve to be scammed.  At the very least, it will not cost you much to bail them out or make something right so that they or the person they are lying about won’t have to suffer.  They believe in spreading the “wealth” and they are just helping it along.  And the better they are at this game the less likely they will get caught.

They really don’t like people to get to know them well and may or may not move on when they think that somebody might get onto their game.  You may notice that they seem to know more about you than you do about them.  They are always moving around, trying to get a new job, and when they ask for help you may not have heard from them in a awhile and not have known what they have been doing.  They can find you easy enough but you have difficulty finding them as their addresses, jobs, and phones may have changed or be cut off.  You are never sure of the “facts” and you often known how or with whom you can check them.  You are often an “open book” and they can easily find you and check up on you.  One I knew had the gall to find their phone number and to call some friends of ours to check up on us “on a fact? finding mission.”.

rp_291253057_150_150.jpgThe biggest price besides maybe money is that you feel “bad” whenever this happens to you and they attempt to make you feel bad when there is no reason for you to feel bad and every reason to doubt them and not feel bad.  They also may get your family and friends to sympathize with them and believe you did something wrong too.

I would apologize to Robin Williams; but I can’t since he has passed away.  However, in this picture, he has that “look” like he is signaling to you that you have done something naughty and that you should be at least a little bit ashamed.

 

 

Keep It On Defrost

parenting-discipline-styles-Hello again.  My computer has been out for repair and some things have changed on it so bear with me.

Keep it on defrost.  Have you ever walked into a store or meeting place and seen a person with his face all screwed up into a frown?  You can react to it or ignore it.  You might even try to break the ice.  It all depends on that person’s commitment  to being that way.  How do you melt a frozen heart?  Send out waves of consideration and kindness.  The person could just be having a hard day..  If the atmosphere is warm enough, then the ice might melt.

Some people are committed to being cold-hearted.  Usually they are disappointed in the world and set up a strong line of defense to keep people from crossing the barriers that they have put up.  They know people and they don’t trust them.  They might have something that somebody else would try to get.

It builds a person’s self-esteem and sense of power to be able to ward people off this way.  Once long ago, possibly they let someone in and got badly disappointed.  This is usually a loner position and violated what usually is an infant’s first goal in life to develop a sense of trust that his needs might be meant.

There often is no compromise with a person who is frozen in this way.  It is often with a sense of pride that they hold this view.  You can get frostbite if they focus their cold death ray on you.

Here are two examples of people  with possibly  broken, shattered, once icy cold hearts who will remain nameless.  Yes, I have forgotten some of the details; but I got a chill both times.  In fact, I almost got pneumonia in one case if it weren’t for the intervention of a bystander who initially agreed with the person and had second thoughts.

Imagine getting three children ranging from a preschooler to a toddler to a baby ready to go someplace.  It often involved changing at least one change of clothes (sometimes mine) before we could leave.  We sat at the back of the church and it was hard to get anything out of the service because at least one child was always acting up.  The most notorious thing one of the children ever did was to run away down the aisle to the altar.  Things happening like this always created a dilemma over which of the children should be attended to.  Yes, I was basically a single parent on Sunday.

To go on with the story, I got shanghaied later in the restroom by a very irate lady who ensured me that her children were always perfectly behaved in church and turned out to be doctors and lawyers etc.  I am trying to decide if this lady manufactured a hail storm or just a sleet storm to fall on me.  I was young and didn’t know all that I know now about people who righteously criticize others.  Just a moment, could this qualify as bullying in modern day terms?

Recently I introduced myself to a nice person who seemed to have similar interests to my childhood family back home .  It didn’t take long before I found out he was a person who took pride in setting the line and didn’t mind seeing people fall off of it and possibly get hurt.  He seemed set in his ways and he was proud of this stance.  This person’s heart seemed to be semi-frozen like a nice cold margarita fresh from being crushed with ice in a blender.  Not my taste but I sensed a certain rigidity and left to get off the subject which was no longer about our similar interests.

Here I stand I can not do otherwise is fine in battle or in politics when a stand needs to be made and held in the interest of helping people who may not be able to help themselves.  There is no justification for taking over leadership just to justify the accumulation of power or wealth.  Sometimes in the former instance and not the latter instance, a leader can be like tempered iron and hold sway over part of this world we have been given to oversee and be an appropriate caretaker.

 

Happiness Is Contagious

The lilt in your voice, the smile in your eyes are contagious.  Happiness is the most contagious with little kids.  It is easy to improve their mood by doing this.happiness-is-contagious-wx-70842

We often look without seeing, hear without listening.  We miss so much precious information when we are in too much of a hurry to go somewhere or do something to spend the time to process it.  It is surprising to discover that the smiles of children sparkle; their voices tinkle with a tune.  Little children spread happiness and it is contagious.

Usually if we can’t accept what we are hearing or seeing, we just deny it.  Psychically other people can be an open book if we are reading their expressions to get more information about them so we can understand them better and help them.

English: A Swedish box of chocolates called &q...

English: A Swedish box of chocolates called “Aladdin” (top layer, identical to the bottom layer). Svenska: Den svenska chokladasken “Aladdin” (övre lagret, identiskt med undre lagret). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Spread the word.  Life can be a bowl or cherries or a box of chocolates if you want it to be.  Ever start the day by getting out on the wrong side of the bed?  That has serious repercussions.  Pay attention to how you start the day and do it in a different way for your own sake.

 

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Bringing The Light To All, Answering Life’s Questions

Bringing the Light to all and consulting on life changes.  Please join me here as I further my goal in life of helping others answer life’s questions.  No, I didn’t start out this way.  I was lost as many of you were or maybe still are.sun on hand gesture

Some may call this wisdom, the knowledge that I have gained.  Some may think that I have had a life changing experience or experiences, a painful one or ones at that.  Maybe the pain is what led me to seek different methods of self-help and ultimately led me to dedicate myself to the spiritual side of psychology, mindfulness, Carl Jung, and…

It all seemed to start with some unanswered questions about my life purpose, the universe, and the future.  I would like to share these answers that I have found with you and helping you at the same time to recognize that you may have had some of these questions too and even came up with the same answers.  You are not alone.

At first life’s  the answers I found may have not seemed to fit and even made me more uncomfortable than the facts that I was brought up with.  I didn’t think that so many people in this world could be wrong.

Also I have found over the years that some of the answers I did originally find find no longer worked.  I had the idea that when one made life decisions, career, marriage, children, etc. that they would stick with them.  Also I felt that only certain answers were acceptable and that what I liked to do was not necessarily what I should do.

Lightner Witmer, the father of modern clinical...

Lightner Witmer, the father of modern clinical psychology. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Also I often picked reasons for doing things that while they were the easiest were not the best.  For example, I picked a Big Ten graduate school close to home that offered a clinical psychology program (my preferred area of interest).  What I didn’t realize then was that I had to find a professor whose area of interest in research was something I would be comfortable with as I would have to do a masters thesis and maybe a dissertation in this area.

The type of practical courses offered by the school in clinical psychology were taught by these same professors whose real area of interest was research, not clinical practice.   Also some of their research was aimed at discrediting those who performed psychological evaluations and did psychotherapy.

Carl Jung integrated psychology with spirituality

The answers I found were not all out there; but they were found within.  Along the way, I found I was not alone in my search.  Others had the same yearning I did to find the answers.  Others like Carl Jung had gone on the same journey and could lead the way.

 

 

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It Is All There

It is all there.  All you have to do is find it.  As we explore our world, we find out what we need to know.   The answer is within.

We are born with all the equipment we need to find out what we need to know.  But what are we told?  We are told, “Curiosity killed the cat.”  From birth, we are encouraged to accept the status quo.  We often discover that asking questions disturbs and flustrates our parents.

We are told that we should not question authority and are given standards to follow that our parents were usually taught when they were children.  “Why should you do it?  Because I told you so,” our parents tell us.

Lies My Parents Told Me

Lies My Parents Told Me (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We are born with many features that help us discover the world and make sense of it.  We rapidly master this and are soon able to make our own way in the world.  Is it true that we all come up with the same answers when we explore the world ourselves?  Of course not.

Certain experiences can lead us in the wrong direction.  Born to a pattern of emotional and/or physical abuse, people learn not to trust the world.  They are given the wrong impression of themselves.  They may think that they deserve to be treated this way or that.

This world and its existence defies a simple explanation.   Depending on a person’s ability to comprehend abstract concepts, to view things from different perspectives, and to develop a complex understanding of existence, a person may or not be able to deal with life without angst.

However, angst can be a motivating force.  Because of the experience of angst a person may not be able to live happily in the world as they understand it to be.  This may cause them to change their minds and conceive of the world, its existence, and its meaning in a different way.

Pardon me, I don’t mean that everything or anything that your parents have told you is a lie.  But at some point you may come to the conclusion for yourself that some or all of what they told you was right.

 

 

 

 

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Ego Versus Intuition, Who Do You Trust?

11478115084_52613dd791_zYour ego versus your intuition?  Who do you trust?  Have you been trained to do what your ego says.  Do you think that your ego is a reliable part of you that can tell you what to do when you have a decision to make.  Freud thought of the ego as the rational, practical part of the mind that referred between the Libido (your intuition?) and the Superego (your conscience?) and was the voice of commonsense.

What if your ego was biased towards getting you to do what other people wanted you to do so that you would help them get their own (not your) needs met?  What if the decisions it made were not in your own best interests?  What if that still small voice known as intuition that you often ignored as having no basis in reality were true.  How many times have you said to yourself, “If I just had listened to myself, I would not have made that mistake?”

We are born with that still small voice.  It pays attention to those things we often ignore.  They can give us premonitions of what is to come.  We have the potential of being able to sense almost anything but in order to focus, we must magnify some sensory experiences and pay no attention to others.  When an older person says something but their tone of voice belies what they are saying,  we are encouraged to take their word for it and to dampen down any misgivings that we might have.  Since they are an adults and we have been taught to respect them, we are not supposed to question their motives; but to take them at face value.

We are taught to disable our own “shit” detectors so as not to make other people uncomfortable.  What about us?  Is this protecting us from harm?

 

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Love-Hate Relationships

Hate to Love You

Hate to Love You (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Almost any relationship can be a love-hate relationship.  The more time you spend being judgmental, the less time you have to be accepting.  It is a shame that people respond so negatively to judgmental comments by others.  Other people want to get a reaction out of you.  Do they do it by building you up or by tearing you down?

The more time you spend criticizing and trying to control others the less time you have to love and admire them.  Children bask in the love of friends and family.  When does this stop?  Have you ever been asked why can’t you control your kids and then jumped on their case, that of your children, not of the person complaining.  Who do you value most?  Other people? or your children?

No I would not suggest that you let children run all over you; but the younger they are, the more pure are their motives.  Do you often make them feel like they have just committed a crime especially when you are stressed, not necessarily by them?  More negativity just adds to the problem if the person or child was happy until they were judged negatively, how do you think they would feel after?

Some people say that indifference is stronger than hate.  If you just don’t care enough to say anything good or bad about a person anymore, where does that person rate in terms of your concern about them.  How lonely and unwanted does a person feel when he or she is thinking about suicide?

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The Importance Of Problem Solving!

To learn and not to do is really not to learn....

To learn and not to do is really not to learn. To know and not to do is really not to know. (Photo credit: planeta)

This post is finished.  I am done with the revising and editing; but I wanted to put it up early so a class I am teaching could use it to learn something about critical thinking.

Cognitive development continues in adult life and some of the crucial elements are the individual’s creative and learned abilities to solve problems.  Do it “My way; but nicely” as a musical comedy (The King and I) song says is the way many parents and supervisors lead.  Could it be that the problem-solving skills of these individuals are also underdeveloped not just those of their children or their supervisees?  A good work relationship requires an able boss and a good employee, an able parent and a child with undeveloped potential, an able teacher and a willing student.  In all of these equations, both the leaders and those being led have to participate and make contributions.

How do we help this along?  It is by not letting an “I can’t do this” attitude from hindering a person’s development.  Learning does not stop at 16, 21, or 35.  It goes on for a lifetime.  I realize that I have, when confronted with a barrier or an obstacle, have not taken the time necessary.   I just want to get on with it so I continue on with that detail not attended to and also on depending on someone else to do what I have not learned to do for myself and not bothering to problem solve and master what may be a new skill for me.

Obstacles and barracades are opportunities to grow and learn and to acquire new skills.  How often have you said I can’t when you probably could.  Being constantly dependent on others to do things for us which we can’t or have not learned to do for ourselves can lead to anger both at ourselves and for our helplessness and at others whose whims we see ourselves are susceptible to.

Learning by Doing

Learning by Doing (Photo credit: BrianCSmith)

Take on a new project.  Find one thing that you have not learned how to do for yourself and master it.  My spouse recently showed me for the nth time how to call up a missed number on the phone.  I had always depended on him to do it for me and if he wasn’t there I could get mad at myself for not knowing how to do it and at him for being in control of my life that way by not being able to return a simple phone call without him.

Now I have a growing list of things I should be able to do for myself which demands I usually met in the past with a feeble, “I can’t…”  Sometimes it is not easy; but, when mastered, these things give you more freedom to do it your way, not theirs.  Learning involves communication between pupil and teacher.  The student needs to build on what they already know in order to bridge the gap between themselves and teachers.  It is this communality that fosters learning.  The attitude, “This is so stupid.  Why can’t he learn this”, is often an example of the teacher’s tendency to give up and externalize the blame onto the student.

Finally, once you’ve solved the problem, remember to use what you have learned the next time you have that problem.  Remember practice makes perfect.  What you learn for yourself is often the best learning method.  You don’t leave any steps out or forget to define terms.  Focusing on the neuroplacity of the brain means that we can go on learning the rest of our lives.  It increases self-esteem,  it develops abilities you may be able to teach others as a legacy, it enlarges your sphere of life (now no more saying to yourself limiting yourself by saying, ” I won’t go there because I can’t do that and I am not willing to learn”.

Remember you sometimes can chose what you want to learn to do but you can’t always control others so that they will do things for you when you don’t know how.

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Passing Judgment Versus Discernment

judge-not-discernmentDiscernment is deciding what is right or wrong for yourself; passing judgment is deciding what is right or wrong for others.  Do we put our noses in everybody’s business?  Can you pass by people without some critical, negative thought about them coming through your mind.  Worse yet, are you passing judgment on yourself before somebody else does it.  There always is some flaw or fault we can find in ourselves or others.

Giving advice comes naturally but for what purpose?  Do we want to make ourselves feel good?  To say what the other person is thinking of us before they get to say it in a way that will be even more self damaging for us.  Advice needs to be  lightly given with no expectation of acceptance.  Not to make a bad situation worse by interfering in someone’s life.  It makes us feel more powerful but to what end?

Do you ever pass judgment on yourself and utter it in a self effacing way, before someone else does it.  You try to say what the other person is thinking before they get to say it in a way that will be even more damaging than if you said it.  Joking and making fun of oneself is an example of this.  This can lead into your faults becoming the source of jokes for others to make about you to put you down; but the catch twenty two is the comment that is always made if you don’t laugh with them, “What’s the matter can’t you take a joke. ”

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