Progress in my life has often been scary and painful and I often did not work on solving problems because I didn’t want to face the pain involved. This is especially true in interpersonal situations. Do you think that the most progress is made when something is easy to do? Be honest with yourself….
Progress can not always be assured even when we face something painful and that is potentially painful too. Could we learn something? This is something that could realistically happen. Learning can be painful too especially when you have to give up all or part of a long-held belief system.
When confronted with new conflicting information about a belief that a person has long held, people can either reject the new information in some way or change it so it fits their paradigm. The other option is to change their belief system to fit the new information. This is what learning is all about.
Some people are not really looking for conflicting information as it makes them uncomfortable so they back away from confrontations. They think there always has to be a winner or a loser in a disagreement and they are programmed not to lose because it hurts too. Compromise is sometimes a new thing to some people because of this.
When people come to new understandings about things, they can both be winners. They understand each other better and can anticipate making better decisions without out so much potential “flack” from the other partner.
I didn’t think about it until some of my family was talking about her and something she said to a person at the occasion where I saw her who was recovering from a recent total rejection by someone he or she had been in a relationship with for a long time.
It was very hurtful to hear about because it was obvious that this person had come to the party to at least distract his or herself from thinking about their recent loss. The lady’s tone of voice was very sweet and it was obvious that she probably would say, if asked, that she was just expressing her concern.
Again I didn’t think about it; but the family members talking about the interaction felt that what the lady did was inappropriate and reminded the person she was talking to of his or her painful experience and the fact that he or she might be not be over it.
It wasn’t til later today thinking over what was said that I remembered that I never felt comfortable around that person because I often felt that she was insincere, possibily even phony, when she was trying to be nice.
The way the person said what she said and the circumstances under which she said it made it difficult for the person receiving her inquiry to tell her to leave him or her alone as he or she did not feel like talking about it; but the damage had already been done.
What do you think? You know what I think. Perhaps this is judgmental of me but perhaps this is a reminder to trust your gut feelings. If something feels wrong even if it sounds okay, it still might be wrong. Could she have been faking it? Could she have been passive-aggressive and by shoving the knife in a little farther reminding him or her of their sorrow?
Women, men? Does the need for security control your life? Are you afraid to fight with someone because it might end your relationship with them? Women, people who put you down, often the man in your life, often win a potential conflict with the first blow. If he or she is mad at me, it is all over. It is very convenient to make a complaint or even make an angry comment when asking about something you don’t like or understand.
Conflict seems to be more natural for men. They can almost fight one minute and be friends the next. It can get pretty brutal one day and the next they are back to being the best of buds. Many women are different making a denigrating comment to another woman can end a relationship forever. So how does a woman react when someone puts them down. If they are depending on the relationship for support and security, they go into emergency crisis mode and/or feel “knocked up beside the head” by someone they thought loved and appreciated them.
Women can take a lot of negative comments from a man in a relationship often things the man forgets about as it wasn’t that serious to him or the man didn’t even realize the woman took it seriously or so hard. Men are constantly jousting, jockeying for position, and they don’t even think that seeing things ( from this perspective) that it was taken seriously.
Are some people rude and obnoxious because they count on other people to be polite? Also do some people lie because other people won’t correct them for fear of being rude themselves? Some people say hurtful and insulting things because they don’t expect other people to call them on it. They will also tell lies because other people will often give them the benefit of the doubt or don’t want to start an argument.
What is often true is that the other person is uncouth and often cruel because they can get away with it. It is sometimes even extremely obvious that they are doing this but they think that no one will say anything and they usually don’t. Doing so often accounts for a period of stunned silence from the audience members with it being so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
For example, I once entered the room where a large family gathering was already going on and everybody looked to see who was coming in. The rude person in a loud voice asked, “Who cut your hair?” It was obvious that person was being critical of the way I looked. It had already been a long day for me and I replied, “Well, who asked you?” in front of the whole group. This was met by stunned silence not just at the initial comment that had been made but at my reply. I felt it had been very appropriate considering that this person made a game of doing such things.
Sometimes the only way you can handle such comments is by being rude, obnoxious, and impolite in return. Such cruel people love to embarrass people and often do this when they have a crowd for an audience. People who are crude this way often may unconsciously worry that they might have the same problem that they are pointing out in somebody else but we usually don’t call them on it.
(Short; but not too sweet.)
Do you ever listen to what you say to others? Did you ever try to take your own advice? What kind of advice you give can be very self-revealing. Carefully done it is like looking in a mirror and seeing yourself reflected there, not someone else.
What are the problems that you see others as having that bother you the most? Could it be very revealing to list them and see if you often have them too? Make a list of the things that bother you the most. Put them somewhere where you can look at them. Either inside a cupboard door or the bathroom cabinet door or out on a mirror where you will get a chance to look at it every day.
Ever hear someone say, “I don’t see why someone should do something or something should be done about that?, ” and it is clearly descriptive of what the person them-self needs to do or have done.
Don’t let yourself read this with a self-satisfied smirk as you apply it to someone else and forget who this is really about! “You!” Whose behavior can you really change? “Yours!”
Mine is to tell the truth, sometimes the hardest thing for me to do, as I fear and think that I can’t handle rejection. Why do we reject others, when we don’t want to be rejected ourselves?
Take a trip this Christmas. It doesn’t matter where you go if you know you won’t have to do anything but enjoy the ride. That is what I am going to do when I take a Christmas shopping trip tomorrow. Somebody else is driving and I don’t have to worry about getting in and out of the vehicle and finding a parking space. We are going out to dinner and seeing Christmas lights. The most it will cost me is a small fee for the ride and whatever I decide to pay for my food at dinner. I have nothing in particular to get and I will be happy to get out and about no matter what stores we go to. It is out of my hands and I like it that way. There will be no drama as far as I am concerned as I don’t expect more than what I have described on this trip.
I leaving my worries and bills at home. My motto at home is ” what house gets kept I keep”; and I am sure the household chores that don’t get done before I go will be there waiting there for me when I get home. I will empty my mind and leave room to experience the gift of the present. I will not be concerned with whether or not I will make friends. . I just want to get along with the other passengers. I won’t be rude or crude. I don’t care which seat I get in the bus. I won’t fight over a window seat . I won’t try to take control of the group riding the bus and demand that they sing Christmas carols, the ones that I want to sing
I am going to let go and no matter what happens (even if it doesn’t make me deliriously happy) I am going to accept it and realize that the privilege of getting to go on the trip is enough and so is having a chance to to leave all my cares behind. Now your “trip” might not be my “trip”; but do it anyway. Just let go and do something with few expectations about what will happen. Give yourself a break. If possible, leave all or as many of your responsibilities behind as you can. You can always take them back up again when your “trip” ends.
The value of human life is invaluable but many people want us to hide our light under a bushel basket so that they can let theirs shine. When are you going to come out of the closet and stop others from making us do this. Just as it is life changing for a homosexual to come out of the closet so is it life changing for any individual to come out of the closet and expose who he or she really is.
Forcing a belief system on another through coercion is not the way to spread love and knowledge. We all have something to contribute and to have another’s belief system forced upon us out of the fear that our expressing our beliefs system which is different will restrict theirs.
I believe we all have something to contribute if we believe in our selves from the most developmentally disabled individual to the most brilliant and verbal individual. When we assemble in a group, why do we almost automatically begin to judge ourselves against each other. Leaving some people out and promoting other people to positions of leadership over the rest of us. How often does someone sit quietly in a classroom because they feel that they have little to contribute. So often people criticize others and complain about others so strongly that they cause others to shut up and make no contributions for fear of being criticized.
Great people like Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross have recognized the contributions of “little” people that most people don’t notice or ignore. How about the cleaning lady who when she goes into hospital rooms her mere presence quiets and comforts dying patients? Consider the behavior of the “Father” also known as Pope Francis who has not taken on the pompt and circumstance of being the Pope and thus has discouraged those in the Vatican and Cardinals and other clergy in positions of authority from elevating themselves above other religious or common folk.
How uncertain are we about expressing ourselves when we see what other people can do to us when we express ourselves. In psychology, this is called relational aggression versus direct aggression which involves actually hurting someone physically. Rejecting someone and encouraging others to reject them too can be deadly (sometimes resulting in self-murder or suicide or mass murders of innocent people) . Have you ever feel that your own opinion was as good or better as someone else’s or that your instinct to do something in a given situation would have resulted in a better outcome than someone else got? but we stay quiet. How much does that actually help the world if all the good people keep their mouths shut.
All of us are diamonds in the rough. It just takes cutting and polishing to bring out our brilliance. Some of us are fearful of going through this process. Some of us do not have enough self-confidence. What if people like Ghandi kept their mouth shut. What if mother Teresa had been content to just be an ordinary nun? Would she have been more comfortable? When Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross came out against quarantining and rejecting children who had aids (through no fault of their own), she was virtually kicked out of the community that wouldn’t let her take them in.
How often have you been in a group where you kept your mouth shut even though you might have said what many others were also thinking? This can be true about supporting homosexuals right to lead normal lives without rejection and persecution. Have you ever kept your mouth shut in a group where someone was trying to do this? or something similar? I am not wanting to take away anyone’s right to disapprove of homosexuality while taking the right to app0rove of it or at least not to reject it. On the one hand, everyone has rights and we have to be careful not to take away someone’s rights while asserting the right to have our own. On the other hand, have you ever supported someone else’s rights while keeping quiet about your right to your own beliefs?
Is this an either or question? Think of Life as a balance scale with yourself on one side and others on the other side. Too much on one side or the other and the scale won’t balance. It also can make you grouchy and resentful and possibly greedy. How about the person for whom nothing is ever right and who is difficult to please. Too much candy and then none of it tastes good. You work hard so you can enjoy life and then you never have any time to do what you enjoy. Rush through things and then you don’t have time to enjoy them. Best get-a ways I ever had were when we forgot about time and enjoyed the setting, the company, the conversation, and sharing the experience.
Savoring is enjoying what you do have. Whether it is clean sheets, fresh corn on the cob, a clean car, or unexpected, but welcome, company. Savoring involves being able to accept a change of pace when one offers it self. Remember when you were in schoo9l and had a snow day? It represented a free day to go out and play in the snow. Did you ever really miss having school on a snow day? Have you ever read a book while caught in a traffic jam after an accident on the interstate? I did and it was one I had already read so I reread it. Did I waste my time grouching and complaining about the jam or the fact that the only book I had I had already read. Time went faster as I lost myself in the story I had read before.
“Enjoy yourself. It is later than you think,” was a title of a song. Did the writer know what he or she was writing about? On the other hand are you too busy enjoying yourself that you have no time left for anybody else? Grandma or grandpa are you too busy to babysit your grandchildren because you always have a golf tournament, a card game, or a committee meeting. You may even rationalize this away by telling yourself that the grand children will be more fun and less work when they get older and then you never find the time then either.
Are you there for every meeting your social or church group has and have held every office over the years and some for several years in a row. Do people say that they don’t know what they would do without you? Are you tied up babysitting for family and the family always knows who they can get at the last minute. You! You tell friends that you would like to do something with them and then are unable to follow through with your plans with them because of family obligations. You have planned a trip somewhere on a special day and have made all the reservations and paid fees that are not refundable but don’t go because you have to do something for someone else and that is more important than what you wanted to do.
Is “wallflower” your middle name? Do you let everybody else take all the credit, get all the prizes, and celebrate all the milestones? Would you be surprised if nobody showed up for your own funeral and/or that your relatives didn’t even have a memorial service for you. In fact, while you are alive you even encourage them to do this when you die.
There needs to be a nice balance here. You are just as important as others are and others are just as important as you are. Giving and receiving are both part of the equation. Knowing what might really please you now may be the inspiration for something you can do for somebody else later. Parents of young children often know this as do members of families with a chronically ill loved one or a recent unexpected death in the family.
Giving is important. Gratitude is important. Giving as a form of gratitude is one of the most sincere forms of thanks. You give me some of what you have and I give somebody else some of what I have. It is the daisy chain of gratitude. I may not be able to pay you for the tank of gas I needed to get to the doctor, but may be I can mow the neighbor’s yard. Remember the old story about someone who gets out on the wrong side of bed and kicks the cat who scratches the dog who bites the mailman, etc. Start your day off right and who knows who the favor might effect?
Ever skip a meal to get something done (maybe even for someone else) and then wind up so hungry you bite someone’s head off? Was that a really good idea to begin with? Being self-sacrificing can lead to “gunny sacking” in which you expect the recipients to pay you back without you asking them to do it or to stop asking you to do things for them or to say, “No,” once in awhile when you offer to do something.