Children are like African violets. (A type of small very ticklish house plant which housewives of my mother’s generation raised.) They are very sensitive in terms of their response to the environment in which they are planted. Children were known to die in orphanages when they were physically taken care of but not emotionally taken care of. Yet some people give more attention to the African violets in their life than to their children.
As each African violet is individual in its needs for light and air and moisture so is each child individual in his or her needs for attention, love, and support. When this is neglected, the plant or child withers and dies inside if not outside like the plant. The payoff of proper care can be great in either case.
Perhaps one can afford to lose many African violets in this process but not even one child. Children can be resilient but still, can be greatly damaged and become of little use to themselves and furthermore to the society that child dwells in.
Moisture, light, and soil and the addition of fertiliser is needed for a violet to grow; but what is needed for a child to grow in the right direction? Love, support, attention, and unconditional love appear to be necessary for this to happen.
Caregivers can not neglect one child while caring for another, This has been shown to happen when a child has a seriously ill sibling. This child needs attention and care too especially if this child gets neglected while the ill child gets urgently needed care.
The sibling does not need to be seriously physically ill to take attention and care away from another sibling. Some children are more attractive to one or both of the parents than other children. How important is it for a parent to have an athlete or gymnast or beauty queen or a scholar over a wallflower, a geek, or any child who is not particularly gifted or attractive
Worse yet are parents who really shouldn’t have any children (P.S. I am not opting for abortion, but I am a champion of adoption in these cases). Sadly what welfare does sometimes does not necessarily encourage parents to be actively involved in bringing children up right.
Wealth is not necessarily the main factor in bringing children up right. The things that are needed to do this often can’t be bought. They often cost more time than money. First is unconditional love which occurs when a person often gives another person love no matter what he or she does or says.
Children need support, not just physical support, but emotional support. A child can do well at something, but this accomplishment might be ignored and/ or at least not supported emotionally by the family or guardian. The child can say to themselves, “Oh, what’s the use?” if the effort that he or she puts into something is unnoticed and they receive little or no help with it on top of that!
Prize winning entries at the county fair can go unnoticed and wining or losing a coveted position on a team or in a play can also be ignored. “You did what?, when said, demonstrates that at least part of a child’s life has gone unnoticed. Worse yet, a child can be hurt or sick and this goes unnoticed until the child is in serious jeopardy.
Psychological needs that go unmet can cause great harm to some children. Children that survive such circumstances can be very resilient but those who don’t are a drain on society and can be lost. Too often the people who make these decisions are incompetent as well. The judge in my family says that custody decisions in his court are given to the least competent to decide.
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First shack ups, now hookups, distancing ourselves, avoiding any real connections. How can you lose someone when you never really had them? Avoiding feeling close to someone with whom you perform an intimate act seems to be worse than two people moving in together without any commitment.
Hookups seem like pornography. How can you mechanically have sex without caring about the other person or feeling close to him or her and have a real life emotional experience? Sex without responsibility still has consequences. Sexual diseases and pregnancies can be the unwanted consequences.
Society seems to want to have life without any responsibilities, any form of commitment. Respect, honor, responsibility all seem to be avoided in this way. Yet these are the things that make life real. With these things come pain, courage, glory, and honor. These real experiences help us learn how to cope with life especially when we experience a loss possibly through no fault of our own.
My best learning experiences often occurred when I thought I was going to fail and initially did not know what to do next. I had to do something out of the box in order to get out of the box. I had to give some of myself, something that I didn’t know I had, and risk failure and disappointment. For me, being intelligent could not always ensure I could win the competition.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained?
There are some things a woman should look out for when establishing a new relationship with a man. Don’t believe that his last girlfriend or wife deserved to be labeled as the “bad” one in the relationship. Be careful if either you or he came from a family where violence was common or accepted if a woman or child did not do the right thing according to the man of the house. Be aware too that men or women can come from families where violence was common among the women of the family.
There is no real excuse for violence. When anger is considered “justified” because the person who is angry thinks that someone or something made him or her feel that way and that is enough to justify acting it out. This can lead to a very explosive situation. Add alcohol to this in some people and the situation becomes even worse.
Being the only man in the family, besides my elderly grandfather, my dad was called upon to “handle” his brother-in-law when he was in an alcoholic rage in order to protect my mom’s crippled sister and kids. My dad had been quite an athlete in his youth but this did not always help when my uncle was threatening them with a butcher knife. Also, my younger brother was still at home and had to witness this. I don’t think Police usually made domestic violence calls back then.
Women and children and even some men are not punching bags and it can leave a strong impression on some children even if they themselves don’t get hurt. “Don’t hit him; hit me” was a brave statement made by a sister when her brother got hit, not her. How helpless does a child feel when they watch their sibling or parent get hurt on purpose when the other parent has a “mad fit” and takes it out on him or her?
The witches (at least the bad ones) have gone and people don’t worry about curses being put upon them anymore or do they? When people put you down to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves above you, are they really putting a curse on you especially if you or those around you tend to believe them? The power in a curse is usually the strength that of the belief that the victim has in them.
Also, can putdowns be a form of domestic abuse? Yes, a person can be emotionally as well as physically abused leaving them browbeaten and powerless. Have you ever known a person who doesn’t ever seem to have something good to say about a family member and worse yet, other family members start to do it too.
Doing it to children is a heinous offense. They often do not have a way of knowing that it is not true and they believe it. Other family members, especially other children, will start to do it too. “Monkey see; monkey do” Also siblings seeing it done to a fellow sibling might think that they might be next so they keep the spotlight on their sibling’s faults and deficiencies.
It is not a good joke if the person who is the object of the joke doesn’t laugh at it too. When this happens to children, they are often reduced to tears. The perpetrators say they don’t know why the object of the joke doesn’t think it is funny and they label him or her a “bad sport.”
I have been investigating problems with getting positive responses in marriage. I have read that being angry can often make you lose in a marital argument. That is if you are female. If you are male, it often is a different story. When a female is angry with a male, she can be seen as irrational, illogical and overly emotional. Women often are afraid their security is in jeopardy and if their mate disagrees with them, they are afraid their security is at stake.
Women in our society have been encouraged to meet a man’s needs so that the men will depend on them and thus the women will feel more secure in the relationship. This can lead to a woman feeling she is unable to meet her own needs if they don’t coincide with her husband’s needs. Even worse, a woman may not know what her own needs are; because she has put them on the back burner so often.
Women also, if there are children in the family, put their childrens’ needs before their own for the children’s sake. At birth, children can only survive if their basic needs are met: food, shelter, temperature, safety from harm, and also (in the case of human offspring) affection. Many, many years ago, a mother spent ten days in the hospital recovering from giving birth. The child was kept mostly in the nursery. Now it is in one day and out the next. Caring family and friends can alleviate this problem by helping out for the first week or two.
Women often learn that it is important to meet her husband’s and children’s needs first so much so that she becomes emotionally bankrupt. Also, how many women have it pounded in their heads that they must meet their husband’s sexual needs or else he will go elsewhere to get them met. This threatens her sense of security big time. Also, for women’s sexual needs to get met, she has to know what she wants to accomplish in a sexual relationship and how to get it done.
Men often have a lot of practice learning how to be satisfied sexually and very little experience focusing on what really arouses a woman and brings her to climax. Too much faking goes on especially on the woman’s side. If too much time is spent meeting the male’s needs, then a woman may give up trying to get her needs met and falsely tell her male partner that she has come to orgasm after he has come to orgasm first because she is tired, possibly even bored, and no longer interested in sex and having an orgasm; because men often know what needs to happen for them to ejaculate and do their duty.
Sexual arousal for a woman can be a different ball of wax and possibly neither she nor he knows what makes a woman “tick” when it comes to sex. Unfortunately, men often think that they know it all when it comes to sex and they only have one-half of the picture and women often don’t disabuse men of their ideas about sex for women as being similar to theirs.
Are you observant? sensitive? and/or vulnerable to other people’s problems? Do the people around you often wind up raining on your parade? Fear? frustration? anger? Almost all negative feelings can be catching. Should you stay in such a situation because you feel that you have obligated yourself to stay? That has often been my situation in the past….
I have walked out on one movie in my life. I usually feel that I have to stay because I paid for it or because somebody else told me it was good. I didn’t trust my own judgment! However, there was one movie that mesmerized me and it was three hours long. I didn’t move for three hours and suffered the consequences when I could hardly get up at the end!
I have learned to dodge people especially strangers when I see them coming towards me with a storm cloud surrounding them. I know that I am not a part of their problem and I don’t want to become a part of their problem. Sometimes I have seen people come for an evaluation and I just positively know that they want to and probably will make a complaint about me to the agency that referred them.
Sometimes it’s a parent or a relative of the person referred. To them, I am a “professional” target. They want to prove me wrong and possibly to get me in trouble. I have played “turtle” with these people and kept my head in my shell to avoid conflict and did not confront them about their attitudes because that is what they seemed to want.
There are also “poor me’s” who want to share and share their problems with you in order to ultimately prove they are unsolvable. As both of you become more and more depressed in the process, no progress is made and perhaps the process has gone backward.
Don’t be a mirror and reflect other peoples’ problems. Don’t soak up “bad” feelings and experience a downer.
On the other hand, be careful and don’t get sold on something another person is extremely positive about and make decisions you can’t back out of later. Say let me take a minute, let me think about that, I’ll get back to you. Even better say it is a decision you can’t make until you consult with another person you are involved with whether it is a financial planner, spouse, or boss.
Genuine feelings can be shared and it can be a great experience whether it is happiness or grief. I once cried with one of my daughters over a lost relationship. I never regretted that. Sharing feelings can be relationship building. You also don’t want to be a cold fish that never seems to care about anything. Sometimes food can’t be enjoyed because the person eating it can’t taste it.
Exhilaration can be catching. Have you ever laughed so hard that you couldn’t catch your breath? One of the most solemn persons I know grew up in an orphanage. He or she did not do without the necessities of life or responsible caregivers, but there was something lacking in his childhood and it was the mutual sharing of feelings.
Do you show affection or is it awkward and uncomfortable if you do or someone else does it to you. It has a lot to do with your upbringing. My family background is German and there were few displays of affection while I was growing up and it remains awkward for me to do this even today.
I have said, “Love you,” to some of my family members whom I truly love and they were shocked and didn’t know what to say. I once tried to give my ailing father a hug and he froze. Anger was easier to express in my family than affection.
Physical contact is an important part of showing affection. We all need to be touched whether it is a back rub or physical contact like curling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone.
There is a story about “warm fuzzies and cold pricklies” that illustrates that people need love and affection and can die without out it. Due to an old witch, people got the idea that the amount of warm fuzzies that a person can give is limited and they were encouraged to use cold pricklies provided by the witch.
In my family anger and criticisms were the cold pricklies that kept me alive. Disappointment was sometimes used too. The warm fuzzies were few and far between and they didn’t feel very warm. They mostly were given at a distance as when I would show my Dad my new dress.
Massages of hands and feet can heal certain parts of the body according to Reflexology, Hands are convenient to use as it doesn’t require removing any clothing. Holding each others hands in a group as we pray or meditate or visualize something and the arms can be stretched out to put some space between people as they do this.
Could this affect someone’s sex life. Very definitely so. With all the bands on physical touching in most places, people don’t get much chance to bond this way or offer support and reassurance this way. Sexual relations can be life getting to those involved; but not if it is,”Wham Bang; Thank
Pets often get more love and affection than the human family members and they know how to get it. If love and affection are not encouraged when one is a child how can he or she display these things as an adult?
When I went to Sedona, I had the most beautiful massagre and I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable although I was undressed under a sheet. I was not embarrassed when she touched me intimately in parts that I never had been caressed before.
Do you know that boys especially when they start to mature are considered too old for sissy things like displaying or receiving love and affection. It is amazing that because of things like this, that we don’t wither on the vine.