It is unfortunate that some people when bad things happen in order to explain unexplainable things they make connections that make themselves feel really guilty when they actually might not be so. Unfortunately, bad things happen over which we seemingly have no control. This especially happens when someone dies unexpectedly.
From an early age people often makes inaccurate connections between when something bad like this happens and something that they have done unfortunately when they did not know that the unexpected would happen.
This especially happens when someone is grieving and did not know before the person passed away that the person would die unexpectedly. Perhaps there was a family celebration that was not so happy because someone’s feelings got hurt. Being that we often have great expectations for such occasions, this often happens when things don’t meet our expectations and our feelings get hurt or we get mad about something.
Most people know that this will often blow over and be forgotten before the next big family celebration. Then something bad happens and the person blames his or herself for it happening or for not having treated the person who dies unexpectedly right!
A person’s sudden passing is upsetting enough without adding the factor in that one of the persons doing the grieving feels that he or she had a part in it which they now regret. The origin of this problem is often that the person who feels bad would rather they had something to do it rather than it happened for no reason or if by chance a person is not on good terms with the person who passes unexpected and now wishes that he or she had not been that way considering what happened later even though he or she didn’t know that would happen at that time.
It is important to forgive yourself like you should or would do for other people.It is, even more, important to do so if you realize that you had no intention to hurt the person that passed away as you thought this person would be around to make it up if necessary. Don’t blame yourself for something over which you have no control!
Theresa Caputo (the Long Island Medium) is not a phony. She is very real. And why is she so real? She tells the truth and nothing but the truth. I went to her presentation at a local center (Ford Center in Evansville IN) with two friends, We were also mesmerized by her presence and the type of audience her presentation attracted.
We got to see the real her: longer hair, a bright blue attractive dress, and sparkly heels. (I wondered how she negotiated moving around on the floor in them?). She told us exactly what she would do and not do and how she utilized her fan club. She was very honest and straight forward and I hung on her every word which I could do because cameras (only used for the presentation and then erased) and microphones followed her around and we could see her facial expressions and the reactions of those that she read.
Spirit seemed to pick the most urgent cases. Those which would have left the theater in a turmoil with no feelings re leaved from a sudden tragic death or deaths and guilt not resolved. Although, I did not receive a reading, I got some insight into deaths I have suffered and about my own metaphysical gifts.
She is what she is. She is not fake and even excused herself from reading for people who had messages or pictures that could be seen on camera because if she had read these people she might have been be accused of getting information from these things and not spirit.
It was a very intense situation and she had a very intentive and polite audience. (Also please note that there were people there some from Ford Center and some from her own staff to help out and they did so without distracting or impeding what was going on. )
Theresa was gracious and even invited two randomly chosen audience members behind stage after the show. There was no press of people to get her attention and autographs after the show nor were any books sold; but when she was in the auditorium, she moved freely among the members of the audience.
It was obvious to me that she was “on” the entire time and that there was nothing “canned” nor was there material that was used as “filler.” You came to see Theresa and there was no “staff” between her and the audience. I just had to say, “Thank God.” She was very honest about her beliefs and the most surprising one was that she believes that there is no hell.
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Feelings can be overwhelming and are necessary at times. Grief for example, must be expressed sooner or later. It is very damaging especially to relationships if it can not be shared. When I am very hungry, I get so mad that I could spit nails. When I am with family or friends I warn them when I get that way. I am literally not able to fulfill others’ requests until I get something to eat. You probably could name more.
Some feelings people feel are so strong that they literally take over and people thus say that they “involuntarily” do things that they may or may not regret later. They are out of control but it is not their fault. For example, someone says, “He made me so mad…” and this justifies whatever that person does next.
Are we responsible for our feelings? Well, “Yes,” and “No”. We are frequently conditioned at a very young age to respond with negative feelings to certain things. We may be even given rational explanations for feeling that way that we accept as something that motivates us to do certain certain things and often enables us to not accept responsibility for what we do then.
How do we resist all that conditioning? It can effectively put limits on our life if we let it. It is often difficult to undo. How often have we heard someone say, “I can’t help it,” in relation to performing these type of learned behaviors. Is it a Get Out of Jail Free” card like in Monopoly?
What have you learned to feel and to respond to in certain situations. Is it you that is behind it or did you catch it from somewhere or someone else?
Is this an either or question? Think of Life as a balance scale with yourself on one side and others on the other side. Too much on one side or the other and the scale won’t balance. It also can make you grouchy and resentful and possibly greedy. How about the person for whom nothing is ever right and who is difficult to please. Too much candy and then none of it tastes good. You work hard so you can enjoy life and then you never have any time to do what you enjoy. Rush through things and then you don’t have time to enjoy them. Best get-a ways I ever had were when we forgot about time and enjoyed the setting, the company, the conversation, and sharing the experience.
Savoring is enjoying what you do have. Whether it is clean sheets, fresh corn on the cob, a clean car, or unexpected, but welcome, company. Savoring involves being able to accept a change of pace when one offers it self. Remember when you were in schoo9l and had a snow day? It represented a free day to go out and play in the snow. Did you ever really miss having school on a snow day? Have you ever read a book while caught in a traffic jam after an accident on the interstate? I did and it was one I had already read so I reread it. Did I waste my time grouching and complaining about the jam or the fact that the only book I had I had already read. Time went faster as I lost myself in the story I had read before.
“Enjoy yourself. It is later than you think,” was a title of a song. Did the writer know what he or she was writing about? On the other hand are you too busy enjoying yourself that you have no time left for anybody else? Grandma or grandpa are you too busy to babysit your grandchildren because you always have a golf tournament, a card game, or a committee meeting. You may even rationalize this away by telling yourself that the grand children will be more fun and less work when they get older and then you never find the time then either.
Are you there for every meeting your social or church group has and have held every office over the years and some for several years in a row. Do people say that they don’t know what they would do without you? Are you tied up babysitting for family and the family always knows who they can get at the last minute. You! You tell friends that you would like to do something with them and then are unable to follow through with your plans with them because of family obligations. You have planned a trip somewhere on a special day and have made all the reservations and paid fees that are not refundable but don’t go because you have to do something for someone else and that is more important than what you wanted to do.
Is “wallflower” your middle name? Do you let everybody else take all the credit, get all the prizes, and celebrate all the milestones? Would you be surprised if nobody showed up for your own funeral and/or that your relatives didn’t even have a memorial service for you. In fact, while you are alive you even encourage them to do this when you die.
There needs to be a nice balance here. You are just as important as others are and others are just as important as you are. Giving and receiving are both part of the equation. Knowing what might really please you now may be the inspiration for something you can do for somebody else later. Parents of young children often know this as do members of families with a chronically ill loved one or a recent unexpected death in the family.
Giving is important. Gratitude is important. Giving as a form of gratitude is one of the most sincere forms of thanks. You give me some of what you have and I give somebody else some of what I have. It is the daisy chain of gratitude. I may not be able to pay you for the tank of gas I needed to get to the doctor, but may be I can mow the neighbor’s yard. Remember the old story about someone who gets out on the wrong side of bed and kicks the cat who scratches the dog who bites the mailman, etc. Start your day off right and who knows who the favor might effect?
Ever skip a meal to get something done (maybe even for someone else) and then wind up so hungry you bite someone’s head off? Was that a really good idea to begin with? Being self-sacrificing can lead to “gunny sacking” in which you expect the recipients to pay you back without you asking them to do it or to stop asking you to do things for them or to say, “No,” once in awhile when you offer to do something.
Caution: you may not believe this warning but hear me out. Just because you are newly single and female whether it is due to divorce or to the death of your spouse, you do not have to go out or spend time with any man in your life who asks you. First of all that person is not being very sensitive about your situation and they may be assigning motives to you that you do not have. They maybe projecting their needs and wants onto you and an acceptance by you of an invitation is seen as consent in their eyes to something more than a mere friendly outing.
Date rape is another name for a kind of rape; but the woman who gets raped has consented to go somewhere with someone where she will be alone with him and he sees it as an invitation or opportunity to satisfy his needs and does not accept her refusal of his advances towards her as “No”. because he sees her agreeing to go out with him as a tacit agreement to take the relationship a step further one that she finds out once they are alone together that she is not willing to take; but feels forced to comply with to get out of the situation safely. But of course, it is not true. It never was safe to have to cooperate with a “date rapist.” .
This may lead to women in this situation to requiring a chaperon or only going out with other women or in groups and never getting off by themselves with a man. Some perceive a newly divorced woman or newly widowed woman as “open season” to try to get them into bed and any response no matter how timid by the woman is seen as an acceptance of the inevitable outcome anticipated by the man. I am not considering that women in this situation should remain celebrate for the rest of their lives; but they have to be cautious and may not be as perceptive of any ulterior motives in wanting to cheer them up and to get them out of the house.
Men, not to leave you out of the equation. I have heard of newly single men getting gifts of food delivered to their door by many different women and possibly the offer to satisfy some of their needs now they don’t have a woman in the house. Don’t believe that these gifts and offers don’t come with the assumption that the acceptance of such gifts and offers don’t come with the implication that you want more than that from these women.
Leopards, male and female, can change their spots when they learn that somebody is free game. With young people in some families courtships are very thoroughly investigated and chaparoned. If you are older, this still might not be bad advice for you. With a such an upheaval in the one’s life, one can be very vulnerable and can often make poor decisions while he or she is already under stress. I know of people who have done this and it seems to be best to wait a year or two before making any commitments. When it comes to divorce, people often get into the same type of relationship they had with their previous marital partner and don’t find this out until after they have made the mistake of getting attached to someone prematurely.
No, it is not true that all men are only looking for sex in a relationship and that all women who are single want to latch on to the next free man as a meal ticket.
PS: people often grieve after losing a relationship and grief comes in many “flavors.” What is appropriate for one might not be appropriate for someone else. If this happens to you or has happened to you, take your time, allow your grief to have an outlet (grief kept in can cause tremendous damage not only to the person who does this but also to the other remaining family members that they have contact with). Watch out for “shoulds” and quick fixes for your problems offered by somebody who really doesn’t know what he or she is talking about.
Always watch out for people who immediately say that they know what your problem is and that they can solve it for you. Everybody’s problems are different. Some people get a “charge” out of telling other people what to do and criticizing them if they don’t do it and/or decide to do something else. A good resource is Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s material on death and dying where you will find her five stages of grief explained. Grief occurs after divorce too. Another resource is a group of widows and/or widowers who are all going through the same things. For divorced persons and widows and widowers with children, there is another possible resource, Parents Without Partners.