Are you observant? sensitive? and/or vulnerable to other people’s problems? Do the people around you often wind up raining on your parade? Fear? frustration? anger? Almost all negative feelings can be catching. Should you stay in such a situation because you feel that you have obligated yourself to stay? That has often been my situation in the past….
I have walked out on one movie in my life. I usually feel that I have to stay because I paid for it or because somebody else told me it was good. I didn’t trust my own judgment! However, there was one movie that mesmerized me and it was three hours long. I didn’t move for three hours and suffered the consequences when I could hardly get up at the end!
I have learned to dodge people especially strangers when I see them coming towards me with a storm cloud surrounding them. I know that I am not a part of their problem and I don’t want to become a part of their problem. Sometimes I have seen people come for an evaluation and I just positively know that they want to and probably will make a complaint about me to the agency that referred them.
Sometimes it’s a parent or a relative of the person referred. To them, I am a “professional” target. They want to prove me wrong and possibly to get me in trouble. I have played “turtle” with these people and kept my head in my shell to avoid conflict and did not confront them about their attitudes because that is what they seemed to want.
There are also “poor me’s” who want to share and share their problems with you in order to ultimately prove they are unsolvable. As both of you become more and more depressed in the process, no progress is made and perhaps the process has gone backward.
Don’t be a mirror and reflect other peoples’ problems. Don’t soak up “bad” feelings and experience a downer.
On the other hand, be careful and don’t get sold on something another person is extremely positive about and make decisions you can’t back out of later. Say let me take a minute, let me think about that, I’ll get back to you. Even better say it is a decision you can’t make until you consult with another person you are involved with whether it is a financial planner, spouse, or boss.
Genuine feelings can be shared and it can be a great experience whether it is happiness or grief. I once cried with one of my daughters over a lost relationship. I never regretted that. Sharing feelings can be relationship building. You also don’t want to be a cold fish that never seems to care about anything. Sometimes food can’t be enjoyed because the person eating it can’t taste it.
Exhilaration can be catching. Have you ever laughed so hard that you couldn’t catch your breath? One of the most solemn persons I know grew up in an orphanage. He or she did not do without the necessities of life or responsible caregivers, but there was something lacking in his childhood and it was the mutual sharing of feelings.
Frightened young girls get pregnant so they have somebody to love and young boys like to feel studly and see how many babies they can generate. Neither is a good reason to have a child. Nurturing a child is also a full-time process which involves being selfless much of the time. It also requires good judgment which is not fully developed until young adulthood.
Our welfare state facilitates irresponsible parenthood and children often raised without discipline or love. How many children are thrown out on the street and have to learn how to survive there on their own.Then we chastise them (not the parents or the state) for doing this and becoming angry at society and not fitting in there.
No wonder these children don’t trust anybody. Yes, the ghetto (where many of these children end up) doesn’t always teach middle-class values. In order to survive, these children do what they can to live on the streets or with parents and foster parents that don’t care or use them for their own purposes. They often only want the check. Worse yet these parents may have been raised the same way that they are raising their children.
Parents having the right to raise or not raise their biological children as they see fit does not take into account the rights of the children. They also go so far as to often use abortion as the method of choice when it comes to practicing birth control.
I think it is a case of blame the victim (which is the child) for the sometimes irrefutable abuse they sustained whether caused by the system, natural parents, and/or foster parents.
Last, but not least, parents who do a good job of raising their children by giving their kids love, discipline, and values do not get rewarded by the system. There are no rewards for doing a good job, just for doing a bad job.
Child custody also gets handled often by people who do not know what they are doing, what the child needs, and what constitutes a good parent. If they do know these things they are hampered by laws and regulations that often don’t make any sense.
For example in one northern county of my state, only the worst judges, those who are not doing their job in other venues, get “demoted” to doing child custody cases and they receive no training on how to do this in a way that would benefit the child whose custody is being determined.
I have proposed that that county develop special training for these judges determining custody cases. It would include forty hours of hands-on training by professionals in the field of custody determination. Doing it this way ensures that judges would actually participate and not just skim through some information on the subject. It should also be a mixed group so no judge would be swayed in a particular direction.
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Progress in my life has often been scary and painful and I often did not work on solving problems because I didn’t want to face the pain involved. This is especially true in interpersonal situations. Do you think that the most progress is made when something is easy to do? Be honest with yourself….
Progress can not always be assured even when we face something painful and that is potentially painful too. Could we learn something? This is something that could realistically happen. Learning can be painful too especially when you have to give up all or part of a long-held belief system.
When confronted with new conflicting information about a belief that a person has long held, people can either reject the new information in some way or change it so it fits their paradigm. The other option is to change their belief system to fit the new information. This is what learning is all about.
Some people are not really looking for conflicting information as it makes them uncomfortable so they back away from confrontations. They think there always has to be a winner or a loser in a disagreement and they are programmed not to lose because it hurts too. Compromise is sometimes a new thing to some people because of this.
When people come to new understandings about things, they can both be winners. They understand each other better and can anticipate making better decisions without out so much potential “flack” from the other partner.
Have you ever been publicly shamed by somebody when you were especially vulnerable and unable to defend yourself? Do you know who ought to have been ashamed for doing this? Probably that person, not you.
Have you ever goofed, made a mistake, or have been unable to control a situation, not because you didn’t want to but because you couldn’t at that moment. Some people are blind to their own mistakes but can see those of others in H-D or 3D for those of you who don’t have it yet on your TV.
These people can be merciless and drive people away from places where they have as much right to be as the other person. This often happens in family restaurants and places of worship. These critical comments are usually not accompanied by an ofter to do what they can to help in the situation.
These people often wear blinders to their own faults and to those of others close to them. This is especially true when this is behavior that they might have had problems with once upon a time. People can be especially intolerant of the behavior of children and infants when they are no longer dealing with them. They tend to forget what it was like to have kids and how hard it is to be a parent.
People have a tendency to only comment on what they see is wrong and not be aware of what is really going on that might prompt them to be more understanding. You never might really know what is really going on in a situation that might prompt the behavior. We were celebrating a birthday at a nice restaurant when my grandson threw temper fit after temper fit and nothing worked as far as disciplinary techniques were concerned. Later, when he got home, he was violently ill. No one could have predicted that.
Remember, build people up. Don’t knock them down. What would you want others to do for you? Truly gracious people don’t need to do this to embarrass others.
Theresa Caputo (the Long Island Medium) is not a phony. She is very real. And why is she so real? She tells the truth and nothing but the truth. I went to her presentation at a local center (Ford Center in Evansville IN) with two friends, We were also mesmerized by her presence and the type of audience her presentation attracted.
We got to see the real her: longer hair, a bright blue attractive dress, and sparkly heels. (I wondered how she negotiated moving around on the floor in them?). She told us exactly what she would do and not do and how she utilized her fan club. She was very honest and straight forward and I hung on her every word which I could do because cameras (only used for the presentation and then erased) and microphones followed her around and we could see her facial expressions and the reactions of those that she read.
Spirit seemed to pick the most urgent cases. Those which would have left the theater in a turmoil with no feelings re leaved from a sudden tragic death or deaths and guilt not resolved. Although, I did not receive a reading, I got some insight into deaths I have suffered and about my own metaphysical gifts.
She is what she is. She is not fake and even excused herself from reading for people who had messages or pictures that could be seen on camera because if she had read these people she might have been be accused of getting information from these things and not spirit.
It was a very intense situation and she had a very intentive and polite audience. (Also please note that there were people there some from Ford Center and some from her own staff to help out and they did so without distracting or impeding what was going on. )
Theresa was gracious and even invited two randomly chosen audience members behind stage after the show. There was no press of people to get her attention and autographs after the show nor were any books sold; but when she was in the auditorium, she moved freely among the members of the audience.
It was obvious to me that she was “on” the entire time and that there was nothing “canned” nor was there material that was used as “filler.” You came to see Theresa and there was no “staff” between her and the audience. I just had to say, “Thank God.” She was very honest about her beliefs and the most surprising one was that she believes that there is no hell.
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Do You Hear Only What You Want to Hear Or See Only What You Want To See? Do you sometimes tune things out and skip parts of the material that is given to you? or that is shown to you?I go to a place to meet my spiritual needs and I go to hear what God wants me to know. I try to go with no preconceived notions of what I will get from attending church that day. I quiet myself and pay attention to what is prayed, said, or done. It is a time to be in the moment, not about feeling bad for what has happened in the past or being anxious or worried about the future.
Something was said yesterday during the service that I caught and am presenting here. This idea not only applies to worship services, but also to doctor visits, books, lectures or workshops.We often hear what we want to hear not actually was said or intended. When we learn something new, we often make changes to other ideas we have held or if this makes us uncomfortable we decide to tweak the material that was presented so it fits our notions of how the world should be.
Ever play the game of gossip and noticed how distorted the original message became?
We may tune in and tune out adjusting what we do hear to make it more acceptable no matter what the content. We can have attacks of boredom. We can become irritated because we have to sit there and listen to the speaker drone on and on. We can day dream or even fall asleep. Pay attention there may be something useful there.
This also can apply to visual material like posters, power point presentations. Did you read the quote presented at the top of this post. Here it is again. How did it make you feel: comfortable or uncomfortable. Are you generally open and receptive? or do you not like someone else telling you what to do and/or commenting on your appearance, possessions, and family. You have your own ideas and are comfortable with them.
I realize when I jump to conclusions I don’t pay attention to what is being presented. Stereotypes of people and cultures leave much to be desired and prevent us from encompassing diversity and learning what these people and cultures are really like.
Now you may understand why that Active Listening (Carl Rogers) is so important in communication. Being able to repeat what the other person has said before giving your reply encourages people to hear everything that was said.