People often do not display common courtesy to the disabled. They are often discourteous, inconsiderate, and just plain ignorant. God, that does sound pretty inconsiderate, discourteous, and just plain stupid of me.
I have disabilities. caused by arthritis, a possible spinal cord injury, and inheritance. I work hard at overcoming my disabilities especially when I or other people expect me to do things that are often awkward and unsafe for me to do. For example, changing two litterboxes. I have trouble maintaining my balance and walking especially in unfamiliar or crowded places. Also, I can’t see behind me without turning my body around and I have trouble with dropping things.
Can you imagine what other people might think of me when they don’t know and/or acknowledge this? I often take a back seat when other people are up moving around so as not to be knocked down. I can’t carry a tray. Can you imagine how this might effect me when there is a buffet? That doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who spontaneously help me and that is a blessing.
I can do a lot of things on my own when there is no one to knock me down, butt in line, or otherwise take advantage of my disabilities? Do they even know that they are taking advantage of my disabilities? (Oh, in case you don’t know, I have had physical and occupational therapy; but some of the best therapy I have had is when I learned how to do something myself (and I could do a whole post on that).)
I usually get myself to events and can go places while there if they are not too far away and there are no steps involved, but it does take me time. This why I sometimes find it difficult to get to the bathroom and back during breaks and (get this) when I get to the bathroom someone is probably using the handicapped toilet stall that doesn’t need it i.e. to change clothes or to have a time-taking bowel movement or just because it is more convenient.
I guess some people are more considerate of others even when it is inconvenient than other people. I have an aunt that had polio not only did she recover from that but later she went back to teaching with some accommodations. (I was going to say several accommodations; but that that might make her mad if she knew I said that.) I am much more understanding of her situation now than I was then.
It appears that some people don’t notice that some people have disabilities. They often sometimes unconsciously or consciously take advantage of these people. As a disabled person, I do often feel possibly unfairly limited by this. I have a kitchen with an island in the middle which is convenient now for me, but I often have to wait for other people to go ahead of me when I or they think I would take too much time and bother.
If you see a disabled person sitting back and waiting for others to get finished doing something, it may not be because they want to, it may be because they feel that they have to. Do you agree that people often do something around disabled people because they can, not because they ought to?
Have You Been Brain Washed As A Child?
It is likely that you have.
In order to understand our world, we quickly accept our parents and others views of the world and begin to reject or deny those things that don’t fit these preconceived notions. How much evidence from our own senses do we reject in order to fit in? Researchers have found that sounds not used in our native language atrophy if we don’t use them. How many other things atrophy from disuse. Our caregivers teach us what to pay attention to and what not to pay attention to and thus, limiting what we take in in terms of our senses (normal vs. paranormal?). Yes, if some limiting does not get done, a child will be confused by all the input coming from his or her senses and his or her ability to pay attention will be impaired.
For example, still today professionals in my field, psychology, deny that children see monsters in their rooms when they try to go to sleep and give advice to parents that they should reassure their children, when this happens, that this is not so, and not to encourage them to make a big deal of it. This can make children doubt their senses and this can be seen as a form of manipulation.
Recently I have discovered that this is not true. Things do look different in a darkened bedroom with only a little light from a night light or from the hall through a barely open door. Our pupils dilate in these circumstance and we can see more with less light. True, it is the multitude of black and white sensors (which are called rods) in the retina that perceive this as they are the most sensitive in this type of situation of low light. Also their accuracy in perceiving things is only fair unlike that of the cones which are not operating. Cones perceive things in bright light and do so with a lot more accuracy than the rods which take over and dominate when there is not much light. Part of the reason for this is that there are more rods than cones.
I’ve tried this out in my bedroom in the middle of the night and things don’t look the same as they do when the room is well lite. I often initially have difficulty figuring out what things are, even familiar things like my spouse laying besides me. I am an adult and I know that this is happening. What about about a child who naturally sees things differently when the light is dim and he or she may see formless shapes that don’t look familiar and is scared. A parent denying that this happens doesn’t make it go away and further more it doesn’t change what and how children see in their dimly lite bedrooms. It just encourages them to deny that what is really happening is true.
Often the child learns that asking for reassurance doesn’t work. It just teaches them to keep it to themselves and to be afraid of the dark like I was as a child. The only time I could sleep comfortably is when there was another person staying in the room with me or when I had a low wattage light nearby where I could see it. This fear can spread farther if parents’ continue to tell children to deny what they see and how it makes them feel.
For awhile there was a lot of research on the “double bind”and how it was often found in families of schizophrenics (which is a serious mental illness) and their ability to think and reason is also often impaired. A family member would say one thing when he or she obviously looked like and or sounded like he or she meant something else. For example, by holding a small child at arm’s length and saying, “I love you.” Sometimes adults’ think that they are being polite when they do this and often people are trained to not “see” this or if they do, to not comment on it. This can completely mix up a child’s brain. He or she can not be confident that what they are seeing and/or hearing is what they are actually seeing or hearing.
Genuineness can become a rare commodity if this is constantly done. The child’s gut feels one thing when he or she is told that the person with them is not feeling that way. Lately people have been told to trust their intuition or instincts more. So many people have shut off that “still small voice” so often that they don’t hear it anymore. How often have we been taught not only what to think, but also what to feel. Does the word “propaganda” sound familiar? It starts when parents are uncomfortable with children who see and feel things like they really are and that is not what the parent wants the child to see and hear. This makes them uncomfortable because they don’t want a child to feel or think that way for some reason. What is the difference, if any, between this and outright deliberate lying?
We naturally are able to perceive many different things and people find it easier to deny this ability in others so they can control them, not only what they do, but also what they think. We are not a bunch of sheep who must be herded in the direction that the “shepherd” wants us to go for his or her own convenience or nefarious ends.
How often have we heard the response, “No, I am not angry,” when a person obviously is. Lying is often a convenient thing to do. It aids in the manipulation of others and has almost become a way of life for many if not all people. In this society we continually put people down and this most often happens after we have encouraged someone to tell the truth.
Don’t put people down. There are enough people doing it already. Bring them up instead. No wonder we are so sensitive. Sometimes I feel that I should be wearing a suit of armor. This is often done in childhood when it is most easily done. Children are innocent and don’t realize what is being done to them. Do people put other people down just so they can bring themselves up? Sounds phony doesn’t it?
What do you think? Continuing to explore this issue, was your childhood family motto:”Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?” More on this in a future post.
It all depends on your point of view.
The problem is that in your garden you may have been taught to see certain plants as weeds and which should be “weeded” out and others as flowers which should be cultivated. Many people when they plant their gardens expect to get flowers but the truth is that when you plant a seed, you may get not get what you expected which is someone like you and you don’t know how to cultivate them. How do you handle this mystery seed as a disappointment or as a wonderful new discovery if you got what you were hoping for. Why take it out on the plant, because you have to learn new cultivating techniques and, for example, provide different amounts of water, different amounts of sunshine or shade, and different kinds and amounts of plant food as well as protection from different types of insect infestation. Some require more space than others or grow taller and block the sun getting to other plants and/or your view of them. You can look on this as a pleasant surprise or as a serious disappointment and/or you might learn new things about growing different “plants”.
The famous Kennedy family had their developmentally disabled daughter unsuccessfully operated on to deal with her unconventional behavior and then institutionalized her because they couldn’t cope with her unfortunate behavior changes after surgery and her perceived inability to benefit (they thought) no longer from family life with the other children. Could she who was seen as an unfortunate weed that needed to be changed been raised successfully (at least for her if not for them) in the in the Kennedy family compound? They felt that they couldn’t cope with her behavior and poor ability to comprehend and benefit from what was going on around her. It was an unfortunate decision and at the time, they didn’t know that the operation would not help her, but injury her further.
Did you get what you individually needed to grow and flourish as the flower that you actually were or were you treated unfortunately as an unwanted weed? Also what were your parents considered to be by their parents, teachers, and even peers? Flowers or weeds? and how were they raised? Taking account of the differences as well as the similarities is important in raising your own off spring or the children you have contact with, students, nieces and nephews, etc. . Consider such happenings as a pleasant surprise and as a splendid way to learn new things and see life from a different point of view and not as dealing with an unwanted pest and, at best, as at least an inconvenience to have such a child and set them the child up for the rest of his or her life to be seen as a failure or to be at the least second best when compared with a sibling or or siblings who might more meet your expectations and fit your style of dealing with life itself.
Take a trip this Christmas. It doesn’t matter where you go if you know you won’t have to do anything but enjoy the ride. That is what I am going to do when I take a Christmas shopping trip tomorrow. Somebody else is driving and I don’t have to worry about getting in and out of the vehicle and finding a parking space. We are going out to dinner and seeing Christmas lights. The most it will cost me is a small fee for the ride and whatever I decide to pay for my food at dinner. I have nothing in particular to get and I will be happy to get out and about no matter what stores we go to. It is out of my hands and I like it that way. There will be no drama as far as I am concerned as I don’t expect more than what I have described on this trip.
I leaving my worries and bills at home. My motto at home is ” what house gets kept I keep”; and I am sure the household chores that don’t get done before I go will be there waiting there for me when I get home. I will empty my mind and leave room to experience the gift of the present. I will not be concerned with whether or not I will make friends. . I just want to get along with the other passengers. I won’t be rude or crude. I don’t care which seat I get in the bus. I won’t fight over a window seat . I won’t try to take control of the group riding the bus and demand that they sing Christmas carols, the ones that I want to sing
I am going to let go and no matter what happens (even if it doesn’t make me deliriously happy) I am going to accept it and realize that the privilege of getting to go on the trip is enough and so is having a chance to to leave all my cares behind. Now your “trip” might not be my “trip”; but do it anyway. Just let go and do something with few expectations about what will happen. Give yourself a break. If possible, leave all or as many of your responsibilities behind as you can. You can always take them back up again when your “trip” ends.
This being under the weather sucks. Everyone thinks you have time on your hands when what you actually do is get behind and have to pay the piper. Nothing gets done without your presence and when you do return, they clamor for your attention.
I was recovering quite well when I decided to help my 2 1/2 yr. old grandson get in my lap after an absence of over two weeks due to my “bad” cold (You don’t always tell the whole truth to two year olds.). I strained some muscles in my neck and back. Well, one step forward, one step back. This left me not able to turn my head or bend my neck to look at things. (Actually I could do this but the price in terms of pain was too high.) Indirectly, this kept me from typing too.
The other price I paid for being sick was not being able to get any sleep. In the first place, I couldn’t stop coughing long enough to fall asleep. In the second place, if I tried to get comfortable in bed, I set off a muscle spasm. It hurt to get into bed and it hurt even more to get out of bed. When I got out of bed, I was extremely stiff and could hardly move a muscle.
P.S.: I am not kidding even though it is April Fools Day.
What I see from here may be different from what you see from there. It is a simple difference in perspective or is it? I was on your side once upon a time and then things started to change. It happened initially to me a little bit at a time. It “snuck up” on me. I used to say to myself that as I matured if I had to choose between losing my mind and losing my body, I would choose my physical capabilities. Be careful what you ask for you might get it.
It started out when I began having “cold feet” and then I got “weak in the knees.” I found the cause of the knee problem. X-rays showed that both knees were bone on bone. That means there was no cartilage left. Cartilage greases the works so to speak in your knees. This was eventually followed by knee replacement surgery in both knees.
Til this day I am not 100% sure that I have found the cause of the “cold feet.” I doctored with more than one neurologist with no results before I also began losing the feeling in my fingers and began dropping things. Of course, according to everyone else, I was just clumsy and should have been more careful.
To make a long story, short, I went to a hand doctor (who I would highly recommend) who referred me to yet another neurologist who made the correct diagnosis from an MRI. A little more than six months later, I had immediate (?) neck surgery because my spinal cord was pinched (causing both my feet and hand problems) which would have led to my becoming a quadriplegic if I had not been successfully operated on.
All this explains why what I see from here is different from what you see from there. It’s a matter of perspective. What made me think about this was “running” out to the car this evening to get some medicine I had left in the car, I looked at the three or four feet of gravel drive I had to cross before getting to the back steps and realized it was not quite as daunting as it was a year or so ago. Now that three or four feet might not appear like the continental divide to you; but it did to me a year or so ago.
You can learn from everything and everybody. You just have to recognize that it is true. Some people are so comfortable in their own little world that they never leave it and ridicule others who live elsewhere. They do not accept others who have a different point of view let alone try to understand what that point of view is. We are blessed in that we can learn from others’ experiences and do not have to experience these things ourselves in order to understand them; but often we ignore this idea and depend only upon our own experience to prove something.
Books, movies, television programs, and storytelling are all sources of second hand, but not necessarily useless experience. How open are you to other peoples’ ideas and ways of doing things? Some people do not feel secure unless their way is the only way and forget about everybody else’s. That makes for a very small world and very narrow point of view. One man used to tell his wife, “I never met a person I couldn’t learn from.”
I have to add that sometimes you can get the experience of being disabled whether by birth, accident or aging. Gloves can effect the touch; blindfolds, the sight. Food can taste funny especially if on a special diet and hard to get into bite size servings without help. You also may not be able to chew it or get it to your mouth. Some times, the food is ground up, ick. You can try out a walker or crutches. By the way, those rollators (those walkers that you can use as a seat) are awkward and heavy to get in and out of the trunk. (At one point lifting a gallon of milk was an effort for me.) Also they are easily “goosed” as they have four wheels not two like on a walker and you have to use a parking brake on the wheels in order to sit safely even then you can move some. Some people swear by them. My sight is pretty good. By the way I am used to it now but my cataract surgeon goofed and put the wrong strength lens in one eye and then I started seeing double and his optometrist made me glasses which made it worse, instead of better. I now use reading glasses only and I am driving with my optometrist’s permission.
Then I started thinking what were my mother’s and my aunt’s experiences. I was curious. I had underestimated how many problems they had and what praise they should have gotten for living with them. I am choosing my aunt as her experience was unique. In her thirties, she was struck down by polio and she had a boy about my age and a girl younger about my younger brother’s age. She spent more than a year in an iron lung far away from home and then when she came home to my grandparents‘ house, she had to do rehabilitation exercises and she looked like a concentration camp victim. She died unfortunately at sixty three from post-polio syndrome; but not after doing some amazing things. She went back to being a teacher of home economics and she even put on a big fashion show each spring. She got pregnant and had another baby (he is now a competent, well-recognized professional). I didn’t think about those things when I thought of her, but I just remembered that she would get her hair done once a week in a beehive with lots of spray. She always wore a brace on her right knee and at times, she used crutches. She wrote by guiding her right hand with her “good” left hand. I am sure there were things that she did that were just as amazing considering her handicaps. All I could focus on was her skeletal figure, her armored hairdo (she couldn’t reach above her head with both hands to do it herself), and the fact that my elderly grandmother had to do the housework for her. She had three children to raise and no help from the father. She never wound up in a nursing home; my grandparents were a factor in this. Both my father and grandfather provided transportation for her. She had many doctor’s appointments away from home. My father served as an unarmed referee when her husband was there. Also my father helped her to get her own house to live in.
As for being handicapped,I found that most people had made their places handicapped accessible, but not conveniently so; and a lot of places did not maintain them. I was repeatedly faced with a button to open a bathroom door that was very heavy that did not work. It was at the college where I was in a choir. Usually the parking for someone is handicapped is not close to the front door. I understand they have to put those long ramps there and that was where were the parking was at the end of the ramp not the front door. Also I find I have to use a quad cane to get to the shopping carts or electric cars inside. That is the most dangerous part of the trip for me. It would be nice if carts, etc., could be easily accessible from your car. Occasionally I flag someone down who has a cart or carts and ask them if I can have it for my trip inside.
People can be very helpful and sweet out in public, but sometimes in crowded places they don’t look where they are going and make quick turns. I am now at a stage where I could do without my cane if the place is not crowded and there are walls or furniture to hang on to if I need it. At home I do without; but I am challenged by open spaces and rough ground, roads, and sidewalks and especially in the dark. A lot of this stuff you don’t know until you are there. Stairs and slopes each have there pitfalls. I like to walk on a level surface and curbs and slopes challenge me. Long flights of stairs are scarey (and they need railings or banisters for safety), more so going down than up. Of course I use elevators, but they don’t always have them and I have not yet tried an escalator, but they have them in London if you want to use the underground. I’ve been there. That’s my story, don’t get me going I could talk for hours on this subject. Did you learn anything that you didn’t know?
A continuation of yesterday’s post. I also consulted in nursing homes for the disabled and for seniors who needed more care than they could get at home. I bet you could figure this one out. I wound up in a nursing home after a serious surgery because I wasn’t able to care for myself by myself and my husband had a weekend job that kept him away from home or sleeping most of every weekend and besides that he still had to work on the farm which was two miles from our house. I needed to be independent in all areas when I got home even with handicapped equipment. At home, after all of my surgeries I had home health, but they could come only for a short time and it didn’t last long. I found I had very kind and competent help on all of these occasions.. I had a good roommate the first time time and later the second time after more surgery, I spent two weeks on a rehabilitation unit. It is not fun to accomplish your personal tasks in front of everyone, but nearly everyone was at that stage especially when they first got there. Sometimes you have to be patient as the staff has other priorities and realize that it may have been you at another time. I did have family visitors, not so much at the rehab unit which was thirty five miles away.
If I am standing still or sitting down or driving a car or on the phone, you can’t tell if I am handicapped. My troubles started slowly and I was having problems for a long time before I went for my first surgery and they didn’t get resolved til my third surgery and I still have some residual nerve damage which effects the way I type, how large or small I write, whether I can hold on to something, how I walk, and other things. My family didn’t always understand; they were busy with their own lives. One of the biggest problems I had was dropping things. People would focus on the mess rather than helping me. They thought I was clumsy (and stupid), not that I couldn’t help it. Understandably at one point I got depressed. I have traveled by myself and shop and do almost all of the housework at home. I had to adjust. I don’t do something quickly or neatly, but I have found a way to do it on my own. It even effected the way I eat, but that is better now. Don’t expect miracles, but give it your best shot. It is easier to vegetate.
Boy, did I find out what it would be like to be handicapped. You see the world in a whole different way as a bunch of obstacles. In an evaluation with one surgeon, who had a medical student with him, asked my husband and son who came with me, not me, if I had any memory problems. The only clue the surgeon had was that I came with a walker. I didn’t dress goofy, my hair wasn’t gray (by the way I cheat) and I didn’t babble and I was as well educated as he was.