There are some things a woman should look out for when establishing a new relationship with a man. Don’t believe that his last girlfriend or wife deserved to be labeled as the “bad” one in the relationship. Be careful if either you or he came from a family where violence was common or accepted if a woman or child did not do the right thing according to the man of the house. Be aware too that men or women can come from families where violence was common among the women of the family.
There is no real excuse for violence. When anger is considered “justified” because the person who is angry thinks that someone or something made him or her feel that way and that is enough to justify acting it out. This can lead to a very explosive situation. Add alcohol to this in some people and the situation becomes even worse.
Being the only man in the family, besides my elderly grandfather, my dad was called upon to “handle” his brother-in-law when he was in an alcoholic rage in order to protect my mom’s crippled sister and kids. My dad had been quite an athlete in his youth but this did not always help when my uncle was threatening them with a butcher knife. Also, my younger brother was still at home and had to witness this. I don’t think Police usually made domestic violence calls back then.
Women and children and even some men are not punching bags and it can leave a strong impression on some children even if they themselves don’t get hurt. “Don’t hit him; hit me” was a brave statement made by a sister when her brother got hit, not her. How helpless does a child feel when they watch their sibling or parent get hurt on purpose when the other parent has a “mad fit” and takes it out on him or her?
I have been investigating problems with getting positive responses in marriage. I have read that being angry can often make you lose in a marital argument. That is if you are female. If you are male, it often is a different story. When a female is angry with a male, she can be seen as irrational, illogical and overly emotional. Women often are afraid their security is in jeopardy and if their mate disagrees with them, they are afraid their security is at stake.
Women in our society have been encouraged to meet a man’s needs so that the men will depend on them and thus the women will feel more secure in the relationship. This can lead to a woman feeling she is unable to meet her own needs if they don’t coincide with her husband’s needs. Even worse, a woman may not know what her own needs are; because she has put them on the back burner so often.
Women also, if there are children in the family, put their childrens’ needs before their own for the children’s sake. At birth, children can only survive if their basic needs are met: food, shelter, temperature, safety from harm, and also (in the case of human offspring) affection. Many, many years ago, a mother spent ten days in the hospital recovering from giving birth. The child was kept mostly in the nursery. Now it is in one day and out the next. Caring family and friends can alleviate this problem by helping out for the first week or two.
Women often learn that it is important to meet her husband’s and children’s needs first so much so that she becomes emotionally bankrupt. Also, how many women have it pounded in their heads that they must meet their husband’s sexual needs or else he will go elsewhere to get them met. This threatens her sense of security big time. Also, for women’s sexual needs to get met, she has to know what she wants to accomplish in a sexual relationship and how to get it done.
Men often have a lot of practice learning how to be satisfied sexually and very little experience focusing on what really arouses a woman and brings her to climax. Too much faking goes on especially on the woman’s side. If too much time is spent meeting the male’s needs, then a woman may give up trying to get her needs met and falsely tell her male partner that she has come to orgasm after he has come to orgasm first because she is tired, possibly even bored, and no longer interested in sex and having an orgasm; because men often know what needs to happen for them to ejaculate and do their duty.
Sexual arousal for a woman can be a different ball of wax and possibly neither she nor he knows what makes a woman “tick” when it comes to sex. Unfortunately, men often think that they know it all when it comes to sex and they only have one-half of the picture and women often don’t disabuse men of their ideas about sex for women as being similar to theirs.
Introducing this topic, I do want to make it clear that I am Pro-Life (especially if you have not figured this out from my past posts). Children do exist in the womb. At eight weeks after conception, all necessary organs for the child exist and the rest of the time in the womb is spent growing and becoming capable of independent existence. In my lifetime, science has found more and more ways to detect life in the womb and to sustain such life either in the womb or out of the womb. The question is at what point do we determine that another human being does not have the right to exist. No one is infallible when it comes to making this decision.
Maybe we should call our children the “throw-away generation”. I think we would all admit that many children are not given the training, experience, and resources necessary to grow up to be responsible adults. How can we consciously keep the next generation in areas of the country that are veritable war zones in inhabitable surroundings with irresponsible adults and penalize those that do sacrifice resources, time, and sometimes careers to help raise responsible adults whether as parents or teachers or volunteers to provide opportunities to help the next generation grow up as safe responsible citizens.
Here is one example of how ignorant one of the most responsible areas of our government operates in one area of my state. Custody determinations cases (often done when a divorce is granted) are given to the judges who are considered the least competent and who have little or no training in this area. This leaves them free to make up their own minds about the cases and/or to depend on professionals who are presented to them as qualifying “experts” by dueling attorneys for each person seeking custody and those agencies who deal with these cases with certain biases as to parental (often not children’s) rights. This was in spite of well recognized and highly motivated diversion courts for domestic violence, drug addiction, and mental illness.
A bad custody decision can result in a “life sentence” for some children. One they didn’t ask for and one they didn’t deserve. It appears to me that in these situations early and appropriate intervention is desired and those appointed to discharge this duty should be well-trained and held responsible for what they do. Is there anything “flippant “about making a custody decision? and shouldn’t the best and most well-trained judges be given this duty. Another point that needs to be made in this area is that the best person for this position of making custody decisions should be someone who is and/or wants to become knowledgeable about child-rearing.
Children at different points in life need different things. Initially, it is important that needs must be met that help maintain the physical body of the child such as food and clothing, shelter, etc. and physical gentle, loving touches and caregiving, and by someone who is concerned about the safety and well-being of the child. How a task is done in caring for a child telegraphs to the child whether or not he or she is safe, secure, and the object of someone’s care and concern.
One of the next steps necessary to a child’s development the ability of the person providing the care and education of the child be aware that children are different and that is not necessarily bad. Nature requires diversity and that means that those providing nurturance be able to able to provide and or seek out sources for the education, training, and future achievements possible for each child.
Children also learn at different rates and in different ways. Having, eight young grandchildren, I have noticed this. Children progress at different rates in different areas and it does not necessarily mean that the child is “backward” and may not catch up in this area later when he or she changes their focus of learning.
Over time, children need to become responsible for certain things and to have certain experiences. For example, you don’t don’t teach a child about dating by not letting them be around the opposite sex until they are twenty-one and then let them figure it out by themselves. Children need also to learn to make certain decisions for themselves and to experience the appropriate consequences. Learning is done in steps and certain concepts need to be acquired and practiced before going on to other more advanced and/or difficult ones.
I just talked about fear and the biggest fear is of fear itself. If we don’t talk about things until one of us, either partner gets mad, then it is hard to overlook how bad it makes us feel and deal with the issues themselves.
I don’t know about you but my very sense of security can be threatened. It got this way in my first marriage and maybe if we had the fights that we did when we were divorcing all along, the marriage could have been better.
Not trusting your partner is very destructive in a relationship; especially not trusting them to make a fair compromise and to not penalize you for bringing something up that needs to be dealt with.
Progress in my life has often been scary and painful and I often did not work on solving problems because I didn’t want to face the pain involved. This is especially true in interpersonal situations. Do you think that the most progress is made when something is easy to do? Be honest with yourself….
Progress can not always be assured even when we face something painful and that is potentially painful too. Could we learn something? This is something that could realistically happen. Learning can be painful too especially when you have to give up all or part of a long-held belief system.
When confronted with new conflicting information about a belief that a person has long held, people can either reject the new information in some way or change it so it fits their paradigm. The other option is to change their belief system to fit the new information. This is what learning is all about.
Some people are not really looking for conflicting information as it makes them uncomfortable so they back away from confrontations. They think there always has to be a winner or a loser in a disagreement and they are programmed not to lose because it hurts too. Compromise is sometimes a new thing to some people because of this.
When people come to new understandings about things, they can both be winners. They understand each other better and can anticipate making better decisions without out so much potential “flack” from the other partner.
Criticism and put-downs can be a form of mental abuse and so can sarcasm and being told that you can’t take a joke. Constant volleys of such “verbal” abuse can wear a person down and definitely not help them back up. It is often used in arguments to denigrate the opinions and/or wishes of those being put down. The partner might find him or herself spending more time defending themselves than having a constructive arguement.
Nagging can result from such interactions. If a person is never allowed to win an argument by the means cited above, they may resort to nagging as a substitute for not being able to win in an argument. Nagging can be a symptom of a relationship where one person doesn’t do something that the other person wants and in an argument over this issue, the other person feels that they don’t have to a chance to win.
Such forms of interaction discussed above can result in a negative living situation with one or both persons involved feeling “less than” and unable to cope. Being constantly “put-down” does not generate a comfortable situation and it can become a constant war zone in which one person always wants to win and the other person doesn’t feel they have a chance.
Punishment is not a good way to encourage certain forms of behavior; positive reinforcement is. Also on many issues over which partners fight there is often no one “right” answer. Many such arguments are about personal preferences and not absolutes although some people like to think that they are. Mother nature and our environments are set up to encourage certain types of tastes and certain types of skills.
For example, if I have sensitive hearing, I may prefer certain types of music over other types. Does that make me right or wrong when I argue with a person with different sensitivites and experiences. For example, I do not like most “bluegrass music,” certain old time country music, and polkas (unless they are extremely “lively”). However that doesn’t mean that I don’t like music as a whole.
It often boils down to a whole issue of control. If I maintain that the things I like and like to do are the only “right” ones than I can be sure that I won’t have to do or experience anything different that I might not like. In one relationship I was in, I was not allowed to eat any onions cooked or raw at home or away from home for he could always tell if I did and he didn’t like them.
Nobody is happy if only one person is in control of the relationship. The winner might get tired of having to tell the loser everything they are supposed to do and the loser might get tired of never having “any choice”. This can be the motive for murder where one partner kills the other.
Women, men? Does the need for security control your life? Are you afraid to fight with someone because it might end your relationship with them? Women, people who put you down, often the man in your life, often win a potential conflict with the first blow. If he or she is mad at me, it is all over. It is very convenient to make a complaint or even make an angry comment when asking about something you don’t like or understand.
Conflict seems to be more natural for men. They can almost fight one minute and be friends the next. It can get pretty brutal one day and the next they are back to being the best of buds. Many women are different making a denigrating comment to another woman can end a relationship forever. So how does a woman react when someone puts them down. If they are depending on the relationship for support and security, they go into emergency crisis mode and/or feel “knocked up beside the head” by someone they thought loved and appreciated them.
Women can take a lot of negative comments from a man in a relationship often things the man forgets about as it wasn’t that serious to him or the man didn’t even realize the woman took it seriously or so hard. Men are constantly jousting, jockeying for position, and they don’t even think that seeing things ( from this perspective) that it was taken seriously.
Do you realize we learn to like certain skin colors, hair types, body shapes, heights, and to discriminate between them. To me, my mommy was beautiful and my grandmas were a “sight for my sore eyes,” although they were older and heavier than my mother. My BFF, who I met in first grade, was not judged by me on the basis of her physical size but on how much fun we had when we were together. I had a cousin the same age as I was and I often got hand me downs from her as she (although my age) was “bigger” than me. We have to be taught to see these differences as significant. The standards of beauty and handsomeness can vary quite strikingly from culture to culture and have you looked at wedding pictures and seen that there is a man for every woman and a woman for every man.
I was having a discussion with my daughter-in-law and discovered that an actress that I considered to be no beauty was considered very attractive by my daughter-in-law. Also men and women focus on different parts of the anatomy when they try to decide if a woman is beautiful and/or and a man is a potential “chick magnet.” Haven’t you ever heard a discussion about what physically attracts a man to a woman: her boobs, her butt, her legs, her hair color, or whatever.
Remember the saying, “Men don’t make passes at women who wear glasses.” Doesn’t seem to matter now. It used to be what attracted a woman to a man was his profession or his ability to be able to support her in the style she was or would like to become accustomed to. At mid-life or latter some men look for a younger woman sometimes even young enough to be their daughter. Then there women who are “cougars” and seek younger men. Ever hear the terms, “sugar daddy”or “trophy wife”?
There is one particular cable news channel that is often on at my house and one of the recurring “experts” I became acquainted with was so ugly, I didn’t like to look at him; however he was very knowledgeable and had a very credible life history to support his road to being this “expert.” All of a sudden one day as I was listening to him, I realized he no longer was bad looking to me. His looks didn’t change but my attitude toward them had.
I came to realize that I had been selling other people short when I concentrated on their looks instead of their personality, knowledge, and abilities. I also I noticed I was selling myself short too when I dressed to impress and probably could not afford it instead of wearing something flattering and comfortable so I could be comfortable being me. I don’t mean that looks don’t count. You can go too far in this direction to the point of being offensive.
I had planned to post on the fact that the cable news channel had only impossibly beautiful women in at least distracting (if not very conservative) clothes, dangerously high heels, high maintenance hairstyles, and glamorous makeup that required that these women show up early for work in order to attain this look. Also of course, the men who had the same jobs were often not necessarily tall, athletic, and youthful and wore more comfortable, less revealing, clothes. I then realized I was judging these women on how they looked but in a negative way. They didn’t deserve that either. They invested a lot of time and money into looking the way they did and should not be judged for trying so hard.
How come we leave the most important jobs to chance and neglect providing any preparation for them in the aim of providing people the chance to put their mark on something very important or to ignore it . Do we have the inalienable right to mess up somebody’s life before the person even has a chance to live it? Is reproduction a right or a privilege? Could we mess up another person’s life this drastically if we weren’t allowed to exert this influence until their were of a majority? Does ownership apply only to property and not to people? Sometimes you would think so but it is not true. Do we have the right to mess up a person’s life just because we took part in the conception of him or her? Environmentalists want to restrict people’s rights to use their property but we don’t want to restrict a family’s rights to shape their offspring’s development and future contributions to society and to stunt or restrict a child’s future potential?
People who get parenting classes early enough either before they have children or before it is too late to help their children find it benefits both themselves and their offspring. In terms of protecting people’s rights to promote have their own set of values we may prevent some people from having any values at all or from being exposed to any set of values. Are or are not values useful? Do values help guide people to acqiring goals in life and acquiring respect for other people having their own maybe different sets of values. Not having values and therefore not teaching them often leads to only protecting the right to not having any values. Also the value of human life either after conception or after birth often has no value and results in killing and enslaving other humans.
Love often gets left out of the equation when values get left out of the equation. Babies placed in orphanages in the past to be raised without mothers (or fathers) failed to thrive and did not live to grow up. Some people get more upset about the abuse and neglect of animals than they do about that of children and babies born and unborn.. Some animals if given tne chance become emotionally attached to other animals or humans if given the chance. Do humans have the right to be given this chance. We talk about pets who give their masters unconditional love and how people who are alone and maybe also ill do better if they have access to pets. What is unconditional love. It is love given without the expectation of it being returned. It is recognition of the innate worth of life. It is something that innately benefits the giver as much as it benefits the recipient.
Love is giving without expecting it to be returned. Modern day business people might think that a person would be crazy to do this. Forced giving does not assuredly generate trust nor reciprocation. Stoke the fire and watch the blaze. Each person has something to give. Love is the core of values. Caring for other forms of life reinforces the value we have for life. Often we give up caring about something because we feel it won’t help. Evil (the absence of values) is facilitated by those who have been encouraged to have no hope that they will to be able to make a difference.
Look up the words, “power” and “force.” We are often encouraged to think that we don’t have the strength to be able to make something to happen. This is the core belief behind wars. That is that we have to exert force and go against somebody’s will in order to make them do something they don’t want to do but what we want them to do anyway. “Power” is the strength inherent in wanting really to do good. It is stronger than “force.” Good people often don’t use it because they don’t think that the have it and /or that it will work against the force of evil. However, consider Gandhi and Martin Luther King as examples of “power” in action. “Love” and “good” are the strength behind power.
Stoke the fire of “good” and watch the blaze. Giving unconditional love is the way to do this. We are not “powerless” as other people who have no values, who want other people to have no values, and who would use “force” to generate evil would like us to think.
Have a fight with a friend or a loved one? Do you know that you can be attracted to someone who has as many problems as you do? Often there is no such thing as a perfect couple or a marriage made in heaven and best friends can have fights. The glue that keeps a relationship together is often forgiveness and acceptance of each others faults and lacks.
Do you know that in divorce and custody determinations that sometimes who’s at fault can’t easily be decided. That is why sometimes both people are granted divorces from each other in the former and in the later joint custody is granted.
As I have said before in this blog, “People with equal problems attract.” Thus the pot can call the kettle, “black,” and the kettle can also call the pot, “black.” If you are a friend or a relative or even a mere acquaintance, be careful and don’t spontaneously take one’s or another’s side in this kind of dispute.
Some people repeatedly take on people with problems and that is what their real problem is! “Can I help you?” is what they say when they see someone with a problem and the answer that the other person gives is “Yes,” initially but it is soon followed by a, “But.” Worse yet if these people make up and they often do, then you may become the one who gets blamed for interfering.