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Shame & Blame! How to Play The Game And Not Be Played!

How many of us do not know how to play the game of shame and blame?  Many of us.  We can easily be used to feel at fault for somebody else’s action.  To them, it is a game to easily revert the responsibility for something that they could get caught for doing to you.  Or vice versus.  They could also make you feel bad for them when they have gotten caught doing something that they want you to perceive as really doing something good.

Blame is when the responsibility for doing something bad is attributed to someone and then because of this, they should feel ashamed for having done something.  This can be “tricky” when it involves you and you don’t know what is going on.  It is the “do-gooders” that can be easily be caused to feel ashamed.  The “bad people” often use this trick with “do-gooders” and they don’t even know it.  ” They are too busy apologizing and attempting to rectify their “mistake”.

When feeling ashamed whether they should or not, people try to forget the act related to having felt ashamed (which is sometimes called repression) or hide it (see or they get mad and attack the person making the claim mentally or physically or they accept the blame or some of the blame and “feel down” about what they did or did not do.  These are SHAME SHIELDS, presented by Brene Brown,  Ph.D. in a free continuing education seminar, “On The Armour, We Use To Protect Ourselves And Why It Doesn’t Serve Us”.

Children are not pawns.  Their needs are! more important than yours.  Unless you are prepared to give instead of receive, probably you should not have children.  You need to put their needs before yours, even if you are inconvenienced, have to make some sacrifices, and don’t immediately get reinforced.  Done right, it pays off in the long run with children who have good values shown by the ability in most situations to support themselves, raise good children (if they have them), and being able at some point in their lives be able to thank you for doing this.

On the one hand, she might have a good reason, on the other hand…

Often the first move of these people is to blame you or others instead of themselves for the thing they have done or for something you actually might think you have done in order to deflect responsibility for their own behavior.  This person can often get mad very quickly before you or their victim can have time to think and can be made to go on the defensive.  This deflects or reflects the responsibility from themselves to you or to someone else.  They are often very good at this so don’t be fools and see the blame as being on you or someone else instead of them.

Have you ever lost an argument this way?  Or have you ever won an argument this way?  This generally leads to mass confusion on somebody’s part and on the part of some people who hear about this agreement.  The feeling of shame usually immediately follows and can last for days, months, and even years.  I had a stepsister-in-law who was an alcoholic and called up her mother when drunk to blame her for all the things that had happened to her because of her own behavior, not really her mom’s behavior.

Sometimes she looked like this to me.

She browbeat this woman for things she couldn’t control like this woman’s husband deserting her with three kids to support and raise in the Depression.  This woman was so good at transferring the blame that she was lethal and our children were not left alone with her unless a responsible adult was also there.  Even then, they didn’t need to hear the things she had to say so they were kept away from her as much as possible.  She could also play the game of feeling “hurt” when this became obvious.  P.S. Occasionally she handmade some dolls for our children and they still have them so it wasn’t all negative

Shame can be an immediate feeling of feeling bad from one part of the brain, the amygdala

which responds quickly, without thinking, like this cat with road rage.

It is responsible for emergency bodily responses and probably responds before a person has time to reach the part of the brain that wonders why they feel bad (or good).  Remember the times that you thought you didn’t have time to think and just responded.  I am not chastising you for feeling immediate shock or grief in certain tragic situations.  Sometimes feelings are part of a bodily response that enables you to respond quickly in an emergency.

Have you ever been played like a piano in one of these situations where “shame” or “blame” comes into play?  Sometimes someone else does it and sometimes you do it to yourself often based on old scripts in your mind based on past experiences.  My script is that I have done something wrong that I didn’t know was wrong at the time.  It could be something “stupid” or “thoughtless” or something that a person got really mad about although I couldn’t have done anything about it at the time.

People can thoughtlessly ruin relationships in this way.  Maybe they think that they are in competition with someone like me for the desired person’s love or loyalty.  I can feel really guilty at the time and grieve for the loss of a crucial relationship apparently someone else coveted.  I can not help but think the person involved with my friend never knew and/or felt that she had done this and was to some part responsible for my loss and my friend’s loss too.  (This is also a form of drama and  I have written about this elsewhere in my blog.  See also a book by Doreen Virtue, Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How to Break Free of Negativity and Drama, ( A writer who writes about things like drama in a way that is easily understood and covers a lot of material about the subject.  (See also one she has written one eating disorders, The Yo-Yo Diet Syndrome:  How to Heal and Stabilize Your Appetite and Weight)  As with many good writers you may not be drawn to everything she writes but also she writes on other subjects that could be of personal interest to you.  See also, The Courage To Be Creative: How to Believe in Yourself, Your Dreams, and Ideas, and Your Creative Career Path by Doreen Virtue.  The content of which seems to parallel the origins of my interests in writing.  Both by Doreen Virtue at Hay House publishers.

Are You Lost And Alone And Easily Rejected?

Recently I took one of those FaceBooks quizzes that was supposed to diagnosis blocks in your life (Mind Movies).  Mine were surprising; but not surprising:  rejection and fear of being left alone.

My biggest fear is the loss of all support in my life.  That when it comes to some issue on which I and my family or friends disagree that I will be “thrown out in the street” so to speak.  If there is a choice between believing and supporting me and themselves or someone else, I will lose. I also strongly fear being rejected and deserted with no support (physical or emotional).

The origins of these fears are being raised with love withdrawal as a primary form of discipline by a mother who wanted to maintain strong control of the family members and it seemed, “It was Her Way or the Highway.”  My mother wasn’t the only one doing this.  My father found my behavior to be very exasperating and once in the middle of an argument, said that he was going to move out.  In those days, dads were the bread earners and child support and welfare didn’t exist or at least I had never heard of it.

On top of this, in this very controlling family, the things that I could do (and there were several) were (it seemed to me) not often praised and sometimes, I felt not even noticed.  In grade school, one of my parents’ desires when grade cards came out was that I didn’t have a messy desk.  Children are very susceptible to believing what they hear and experience while they are young especially when the parents’ motto seemed to be, My word is Law and no other perspective on life is available.

Soon I learned to hide and not share things with my parents.  The worst were any notes from my teacher asking them to come to school to talk about my behavior which the teachers had frequent trouble dealing with (except for my second-grade teacher who was the only woman teacher I had in grade school).

Can I help it that sometimes I am very secretive, that I don’t feel appreciated for things that I really like to do, and in the family competition, I don’t usually win and family members feel that I shouldn’t ask for help even when I think I need it?  And if there is a choice to be made over who stays or goes, I am the one who will get thrown out.

Top that off with at times, I can feel that I have a hard time making and keeping friends.  I feel rejected, left out, and unappreciated.  Sometimes when a sense of some competition with me is felt by others, it seems to turn into jealousy and meanness from and by them.  Yes, I am intelligent and educated as I can accomplish things on my own and stick with something even if it is difficult.

I feel like I have a hard time increasing my likeability and acceptance by others.  I can feel alone in a crowd (not that I like it that way).  My exploration of spirituality has given me some experiences where I did not feel left out.  P.S.:  my mom was shy and always took me long to women’s things like baby and wedding showers to keep her company even when I was very young.

I also feel that if my family read this that they would have it all upside down and backwards and only use it to hurt me.  I love my family and consider it the greatest gift in my life although I initially did not think I would have one.  The contributions they want from me is for me to do things they expect a reliable housewife and mother and breadwinner to be.  Hopefully, this is not followed by love withdrawal if I do not meet their standards.

Finally, my family would probably dismiss my thoughts as all something that got cooked up in the many different therapies I have had.  The real me is reflected in my writings (of which I doubt that they have read many) and if they read any, they would be more likely to give me editorial comments rather than any comments reflecting understanding and acceptance of any of my ideas or experiences portrayed.  When I feel I am in an atmosphere that is open to new ideas and experiences, I can be very free to be me.  How about you?

Are Opinions Based On Assumptions, Not Facts?

If you can not change a person’s assumptions with facts, then why argue with them.  I someone thinks you are a “hypochondriac” and a “surgery addict”, what can you show them from your actual medical history that will change their mind?  Nothing.  What hurts too is that they also think “hypochondriacs” and “surgery addicts” are bad people.

Assumptions are just that assumptions and they can be extremely harmful if they are erroneous and associated with bad qualities in other people.  “Oh, that’s just a woman for you” or “Oh, that’s just a man for you.”  Doing this allows people to make quick judgments of other people without wasting time getting more information.

A debate is an academic activity where each side takes turns arguing one side of an argument.  This can lead to a reasoned analysis of a situation both for and against.  Lawyers often do this for a living depending whether they are working for the defense or the prosecution in a criminal trial.

More to come as I think this over.  Most recent contribution from a friend.  “Many people think that their opinions are facts!”  This is why arguments and discussions can be so hard.  Also, people often form “tribes” and identify with them like “Trump Supporters” and are threatened when a belief contrary to their tribe’s beliefs is presented to them by someone.  They become anxious and even angry.  Do you see why people often don’t talk about sports, politics and religion at the table?


Quit Negating Yourself!

Ever say something to yourself about something you are wanting to have or do and immediately saying that it will never happen? and finish the job by saying Why it will never come to be?  I do.  Move over if you think you have ever done this, as I have done this too consistently.

Why you talk yourself right out of it and it doesn’t have a chance.  Do you read about positive thinking and affirmations but figure they wouldn’t work for you anyway.   And when they don’t work do you tell people that you tried but they don’t work for you and you have given up visualizations and vision boards.  It only works for Oprah!

Have you ever dreamed up a special dress for a special occasion and worked on the idea changing things here and there in order to make it perfect?  I planned and planned additions to my old house and yes we did use one of them.  Later I started looking at double wides and multitudes of floor plans even visited many different sites so I could see the actual thing.  Yes, I wound up with one when we had to move.

Now I feel frustrated because there are things about our doublewide now that I would like to fix. And my husband would like to add a garage-above ground storm shelter.  Now I know what worked for me so I am going to do research and make plans for the needed addition and changes to the house.  It still needs some windows replaced which on one occasion, I would like to change the old picture window for a bay window.

We often spend more time proving why something we want to do don’t work than we spend on why something could work.

Are You Pineing For A Punk?

What First Attracts!

Are you pining for a punk?  You might be if your story is part of the content of a scandal sheet.  Being recently confined for illness, my friend gave me a buch of scandal sheets. Whether I knew them or not, I found a common theme, recent breakups and connections between famous people.  They have everything, shouldn’t their relationships work out?

How they treat each other is outrageous!  When under the influence of first Love, it appears that they can’t see straight!  Faults are glossed over and relationships are formed immediately without much time to get to know the other person, faults and all.  They have the ways and means with which to get over involved.  Common sense goes out the window.  When things come down crashing down (reality rears its ugly head),  there is surprise and obvious grieving for something that wasn’t to be in the first place.

Falling in love is not supposed to be a revolving door.  Test the waters and see if you want some more.  In these relations ships, it is just too easy to leave and find someone else eager to be the new LOVE.  Doing this seems to mean that the new person is some type of winner and not the loser they might be.  Just because you are choosy doesn’t mean you are a loser because someday you might pick the winner and avoid messy relationships with people that don’t go anywhere.


Fame, money are very attractive.  Yet somebody with a great talent may not have much to offer other than that.  It is hard to mix that kind of glamourise life with success in the real world.  Whatever attracted him or her to you might wear off and leave you high and dry.  Cheating proliferates in this type of world and is supposed to be tolerated complete with possible STD’s.

The Missing Link

Relationships turn into a kind of a game with one-up-manships proliforating.  Security does not exist and when a crisis occurs, the sufferer is usually left high and dry.  What do you want a glamourse red carpet evening dress that you have to be sewn into or a practical comfortable attractive outfit that you can  wear over and over?  Relationships are that way too.  Even though he or she is not to your taste and you are not his or her taste, doesn’t mean you are a failure.  You both just avoided a big mistake.

Reading Their Minds: Politicians And Others Of Such Ilk

Watched a discussion of what a politician did this week and how it turned out for him.  There has been and still is a big conflict over leaks in President Trump’s administration.  Then one of his close advisors enabled information about his personal opinion of what this administration is doing wrong to be accidentally by leaked someone on the left who he forgot to tell that he was talking confidentially and it got out.

Curiously another former staff member of President Trump made some very obcene comments about a staff member in the White House just before he got canned.  Should have both these men have known better?  These men both had been involved with dealing with the media and with dealing with leaks in the White House.

It seems that information about the President and his administration should be confidential and he will decide with input from his trusted? staff what to release.  Shouldn’t his advisors ask to see the President in order to tell him their concerns and this should be confidential and not released to the media by them only by the President?

Doesn’t this pattern fit recent staffers who recently got fired or resigned?  In many places of business, employees are supposed to keep their mouths shut about what goes on in the business.  For example. banks, law offices, and mental health facilities.One staffer went so far as to take notes of a conversation with the President and had a friend leak them to the press.  This was just before he got fired. Don’t I see a lot of sour grapes here? Wt happened to ethics and keeping the law while in public service?

Mercy Me,if I can see through this, why can’t you?  Ordinary people can see through this.  What do they think we are dupes?  easily fooled and manipulated.  Sometimes it is just better to keep your mouth shut especially if you want to keep it secret.  Also, don’t you think it is media’s job to notice this and figure out what is going on?

The People Of The Lie Are Excellent Manipulators Because they Have No Conscience

Thoughts On How To “Getter Done”

Thoughts on how to “Getter Done”.  (Do as I say; don’t do as I do!)

Don’t think it; do it!  How many times do you think of something without following it through?  Have you been cluttering up your mind by thinking of what needs to be done? Remember don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today!

If you see it; do it.  Do you think you are starting to become a hoarder?  Don’t question your judgment.  This happens for me with the clothes of both myself and my husband.  I am afraid, I will regret my decision later.  I either need to throw them out, give them away, or put them away.  Don’t leave it til another day.

Are you surrounded from the past and the present by people who question your decisions.  In the long run, this just makes you look like a person who can’t make up his or her mind and leaves more reason for criticism.  Remember these people, operate on the principle, “Don’t look at me, look at him or her”.

Don’t put it off.  If you can put it off, pick a day to do it before it will be overdue.  I do this with taxes.  I set a tax date with our accountant and focus on taxes the two weeks before.  If you do put it off and have to pay for it, just chuck it up to experience and do better next time.

If you go ahead and do it, do a little more each time than just what is necessary.

When you do something, throw yourself into it.  If it worth doing something, it is worth doing right.  Remember, being a critic is an easy job.  You don’t have to help somebody or even think about it.

You can practice making decisions or do something a different way or even teach yourself how to do something so you don’t have to ask someone else.  This happens to me with new appliances.  I don’t read the instruction book.  If you have lost it, you can find it online.  Then if it is broken or missing a piece or has poor instructions (The people who right the instruction books are not the people who have to use them.  Has the person who has written the instructions put themselves in your shoes or asked a person who has never used it before to try and use these instructions?

Before throwing old gadgets away that have never been used  Take some time to try to make them work but throw them away if they don’t work.

Remember to reward yourself for what you get done, not what you leave undone.  The person that is most likely to notice that you have done something is yourself.

How many projects don’t look like something until they are completely done?  Have you every watched someone put something together and it is not until is finished that a person can determine if it works or if it looks like anything?  If you are the person trying to do this, reward yourself either way because you can dispose of something if it is useless and can’t be made to work anymore.  Give it the old heave-ho.

Don’t overthink it.  Is the task worth the extra time you spend on trying to get it right?  Remember practice makes perfect.  Children don’t do this.  When they have an idea when they are playing, they just do it.

I have spoken about mind clutter.  Now you know you can do something about it and you can use that time to fly-fish or meditate bother productive tasks!  You can even make your downtime productive and do things you didn’t have a chance to do.

My mother had one good rule.  As a young daughter, I had many “projects” and instead 0f having me put everything away at the end of the day, she had me group my tools and materials together and put them up somewhere (this also kept people from tripping over them) where I could go get them and work on  it another day.  This also kept me from losing them and having to find everything again I needed the next day.

Stop doing things that you don’t think are necessary like making your bed in the morning instead of straightening the covers before you go to sleep.  My mother (God Bless Her Soul) used to iron the sheets.  Who does that anymore?  Remember bedrooms in advertising have been staged to make them look neat clean and very desirable.  Bedrooms don’t look like that only if you have rented one in a hotel and you are just coming in the door.

Best suggestion I have ever heard.  If you are having surprise company, before you go to the door stick your vacuum in the middle of the floor like you have just started to clean the room or turn your Roomba on.  I don’t know about you, but my vacuum is already in the living room by the front door as we don’t have a coat closet.  See; I am ready for anything.

If you are doing something, just do it.  Don’t think about what you did not do yesterday or what you have to do tomorrow.  It is a good idea to have a notepad handy (either electronic or paper) on which to write things down that you want to remember but can’t do anything about now.  YHow about trying to learn Lincoln’s Gettysburg address and loading the dishwasher.  Now I can sing or listen to hymns while I work because I might want to sing them in church someday as a “special”.

I Am Free Of Judging Myself By Others

rp_374315433_150_150.jpgI just discovered in my old age (where I have found that insights blossom) I am no longer bound by what others think.  I don’t have to judge myself by people who are successful in my field or in any other field.  I am free to be me finally.  Instead of withering on the vine, I am growing again in new and different directions.  I grant that I have had difficulty with the judgments  of me made by others.  I may not be the world’s expert on a subject, but more than likely they aren’t either.

Be on your guard as you may be greeted by the anger of others if you do assert yourself.  Attacking what is the most defended by others may reach the highest rewards.  Who am I?  Am I what I want to be and can be if I only let go of others’ past influences?  Make way for ME!  I am discovering things that were lost or discarded as not achievable.  Now can I trust my own judgment?

rp_362536218_150_150.jpgWould you, if you were a man, wear a suit that was tailored to fit some other man.  I had a husband who was very particular about collar sizes and sleeve lengths in his shirts.  I have discovered I only like music that is sung a certain way and any other versions almost offend me.  Am I right or wrong?  Or have I discovered music for myself?

Failures do not always define you.  Whose judgment are you relying on?  Come home to the person you should know ( yourself) and glorify that.  This is not permission to clobber other people so you can have your own way, but you might make some people unhappy because they can no longer control you.  We all do not have the same tastes!

rp_363561405_150_150.jpgYou probably can no longer be the peacemaker just giving in because someone with a louder voice is used to making a group’s decisions.  For example, such a person then picks the restaurant for a group to eat at which then decides what you can have to eat.  Avoiding conflict does keep the level of the drama down but at what price to you?

I am becoming well-defined as I age and have lumps and bumps that may not please others or that may interfere with what they (not I) want.  Who am I actually?  Do I have undiscovered talents and interests that I can use to shape “my world”?

How Well Do You Know Yourself?


Or Is It The Beginning?

Who are you?  Everyone is different from birth.  Lots of things that happen to us can change our perception of ourself.  People around us expect us to be like them and as a child, we often don’t know any better.  We all have different kinds of potential and that potential helps define our purpose in life.  We often are so busy responding to the demands put on us by the outside, we have little time or opportunity to discover who we really are inside.  Often we are caught up in doing what we think we should be doing but not really what reflects our purpose in life and uses our unique talents and abilities.  Sometimes this is reflected an adolescent rebellion or in a midlife crisis and others don’t discover this until they are facing retirement.

Boundary Problems?

With what is going on in Europe now with boundary problems, it is getting more and more clear that having little or no boundaries makes them vulnerable to people who will take advantage of that.

taking-advice-badgeDo you feel that you are a pushover?  Why are you a pushover?  Is it because you want people to like you.  Can’t you think of a reason not to do it?

You think you are a good person and that others are good people too.  Not setting appropriate boundaries leaves you wide open to people who don’t think like you do.  It also leaves you wide open when you should be setting boundaries like with children and people who work under your supervision.  Are you the kind of parent or boss who often winds up picking up after their children and/or doing someone else’s work along with your own?rp_23219947_8c2cef7e59_m.jpg

How long can you do this type of thing without feeling angry?  “Read my lips” no more “nice” guy or girl.  You also lose people’s respect too.  I have grandchildren and I can tell who does and who does not set boundaries with the grandchildren by the children’s behavior.  You are courting chaos when you don’t do this.

Righteous anger?  Is that possible?  Is it polite?  When we continue to let people take advantage of us (and we know it) aren’t we lying?  Isn’t this a “sin?” of omission?  So this person or child takes advantage of us figuring we don’t really say what we mean.

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