First shack ups, now hookups, distancing ourselves, avoiding any real connections. How can you lose someone when you never really had them? Avoiding feeling close to someone with whom you perform an intimate act seems to be worse than two people moving in together without any commitment.
Hookups seem like pornography. How can you mechanically have sex without caring about the other person or feeling close to him or her and have a real life emotional experience? Sex without responsibility still has consequences. Sexual diseases and pregnancies can be the unwanted consequences.
Society seems to want to have life without any responsibilities, any form of commitment. Respect, honor, responsibility all seem to be avoided in this way. Yet these are the things that make life real. With these things come pain, courage, glory, and honor. These real experiences help us learn how to cope with life especially when we experience a loss possibly through no fault of our own.
My best learning experiences often occurred when I thought I was going to fail and initially did not know what to do next. I had to do something out of the box in order to get out of the box. I had to give some of myself, something that I didn’t know I had, and risk failure and disappointment. For me, being intelligent could not always ensure I could win the competition.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained?
When someone is rude inappropriate or disrespectful to you, are you too embarrassed to speak up for yourself or are you afraid that the other person might get angry at you? Some people count on you doing this so they can keep on doing what upsets you either to you or others. Sometimes we feel “we got it wrong” and if we said something we might be made to look foolish.
From the female point of view, some men think that they can grope a woman or cop a feel and the women won’t act like anything is wrong. Somehow taking the blame on themselves, not putting it on the offender. The offender sometimes says, “You liked it. I can tell.” They believe women somehow are inviting them to do this and they are just doing what the women want them to do but are afraid to say.
Should I list the men who have done this to me? Also, some sexual talk, pictures, videos, and movies are off-putting to some women rather than arousing. But we don’t want to rain on a man’s parade and let him do it and even watch, I would say sometimes uneasily, ourselves.
Has woman’s lib gone too far? Are women thinking that under the new era, that women should be more sexually active and cooperative when they are not comfortable doing it? Is groping by your male seatmate in the back seat of a car while another couple makes out in the front seat satisfying or uncomfortable and maybe even embarrassing?
The woman’s idea of a sexual relationship is that it involves at least mutual affection, mutual sexual attraction, comfort, and privacy. Some women up the amp even more and want the penthouse suite so to speak, etc.
Women can be very cautious about expressing their wants and desires sexually and it may be something they have not had practice doing. Men like to express their dominance in a sexual relationship for bragging rights to other men (that’s a no-no) and the secure feeling that they are right about what their opinions are about what makes for great sex (for him) and they won’t take no for an answer.
Another true story, I had a professor like that and it was difficult for my office manager friend to keep him in secretaries he was so disgusting and predatory. Yet, the rest of the office (mainly men) thought he was a great guy. He was actually inconsiderate and self-engrossed.
Did he try something on me, yes, and I did not consider him attractive or available (he was married and had a family) even though I was divorced at the time. During that time there, I met a much younger man with whom I was comfortable with and who was attractive in a cozy comfortable way. I wasn’t a cold fish, the professor was not my cup of tea and he was nasty to women and I didn’t like him or like to be around him.
True story, I was in a small crowded attic room with this professor and other students. Several students and this professor were smoking. My eyes started to water. I am not a smoker. He told me to take my contact lens out if the smoke was bothering me and that day, I was wearing glasses. I said nothing.
How much is allowed to go on; because we don’t speak up. I once told my guiding pastor that it did not seem polite to start a ruckus in church but some people deserved ton be confronted. I was not denying them Jesus but doing what Jesus did with his disciples when they were not doing the right thing, They were ordinary men who sometimes got off in the wrong direction and Jesus knew what they were doing or were going to do and told them that.
What have I got to lose if I do this (speak up in public), maybe just self-respect. Don’t let others “buffalo” you into accepting something from that them that you feel is wrong and should be stopped because somebody is or will or could be hurt. We even though we are innocent bystanders sometimes have to confront the problem we see happening in front of our eyes even if it doesn’t involve us directly.
Once a man (I’ll call him a young man because he has a lot of growing up to do, was “high” in front and was very self-satisfied about how he was when he was high and even proud of himself. I do like and love the guy but he can be exasperating sometimes. I confronted him about being high (he thinks I am a nerd and don”t notice when he is high) and his “false” self-confidence and narcissistic attitude was really phony and annoying.
(No pictures were used in the context of this discussion of whether or not child abuse is actually rape; because any pictures used of children might be considered sexualized.)
In thinking about Child Sexual Abuse , I realized that we hardly ever talk about it as childhood rape. When a man has anal sex with a boy, what is he really doing? It surely is rape. When a man manipulates a girl’s sexual parts into to have an orgasm, is this really rape? When a woman initiates intercourse with a boy or adolescent male, isn’t she raping him? Having a girl touch her sexual parts (whether her own or the girl’s) in order to achieve sexual excitement and/or orgasm, do we consider that rape of a child by a woman.
For purposes of discussion here is the new FBI definition of rape: (https://www.fbi.gov/…/new-rape–definitio…) The new FBI Summary definition of Rape is: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” But how about rape by proxy?
My definition of rape for the purpose of this discussion consists of using an innocent victim in order to achieve orgasm or high levels of sexual arousal. If the child’s sexual feelings are aroused and/or the child actually comes to orgasm, the child is not considered old enough to give consent. Also, what adds to the heinousness of this behavior is that it is kept secret and hidden to avoid detection and create undeserved guilt in the child or adolescent. The latter is often why the victim often suffers in silence. Also, does the child or adolescent know what he or she is actually doing or that he or she is not responsible for this illicit behavior?
Could child pornography also be considered as rape by proxy? The offender self-stimulates himself or herself to orgasm using what is essentially an unwilling victim. When we don’t call it rape, we make it seem less harmful. It involves an adult using a child to come to orgasm without his or her consent. How are the children treated when these pictures are taken? If the children are encouraged to see the filming as a game, what happens when the children learn what they were used for?
Remember when you were not supposed to share your private parts with anyone, but a parent, or with someone else usually a medical person when your parents were present. Later you were told you could choose to share them when you were an adult; but not with someone you didn’t want to share them with.
Now we can view others’ private parts anywhere on the street, in magazines, on the internet, and in advertisements. It is hard to say, “No, I don’t want to look at that, I don’t want to see you that way, and if you are going to do that either you must leave or I will leave myself.”
It is still alright to feel icky and to refuse to view things that you don’t like. As a long-time psychologist, I thought I had seen everything and nothing surprised me or offended me. If viewing something does not have to be done in the line of duty, I still can say it is inappropriate and switch channels or walk away or if it is my space, tell someone to leave and possibly not to return.
Private parts are your personal possessions and they are there for your satisfaction and enjoyment. This can be spoiled when someone tries to use another person’s private parts for their satisfaction and enjoyment only and will say anything or do anything to make it happen.
Feelings can become detached from the event and the victim may not remember what happened. This is a form of self-defense and possibly a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). This makes it difficult for the victim to bring up from inside him or herself what happened in order to digest it properly. This also can interfere with a person’s appropriate sexual development.
The victim has a large price to pay. What about the offender? Usually as long as he or she can do it, he or she will do it to more and more victims and in worse and worse ways. It could be called an addiction. It usually has to do with what an offender needs to do to get sexually excited and to reach orgasm. Like alcoholics need more and more alcohol, the offender takes more and more risks and does more and more damaging things to his or her victims. The frequency and intensity of the abuse also can increase.
(Here is the place to put a graphic picture of sexual abuse; but that might be considered child pornography.)
I am talking about the abuser, not the victim. The chances are extremely high they will offend again and probably had committed other offenses before they got caught. Also offenses tend to escalate over time as it takes more and more of a thrill to “get off”. Some people protect and support offenders because they think they deserve a chance and they would like to believe that the offenders have reformed.
It takes extreme vigilance to protect potential victims from these offenders. You and any other responsible adult who know about the offender should attempt to shadow the offender and keep them from being alone with potential victims. To do this, you have to think like an offender.
The sexual abuse often reflects the offenders’ full time commitment to getting access to potential victims and to collect information that would help them do this. A sexual offender never says to a responsible caretaker I will watch your child for you while you go to the grocery store and while you are there, I will get your child to undress and play a “fun” game with me from which I will get sexual pleasure.
Should you believe me? Yes! I have conducted interviews with many victims of sexual abuse, often by play therapy and by using drawings, One thing I have been careful not to do is implant an idea in a child’s mind where one didn’t exist and to try not to commit further trauma. The child may be frightened and somehow feel guilty. These are ways that the abuser knows to keep the victim from talking about the abuse with anyone.
When abuse occurs, children do many things in an attempt to help them handle it. They may learn not to trust their feelings and/or intuition. They might put a lot of it out of their mind as it is too hot to handle. But the unconscious usually retains the memories of sexual abuse somewhere and also the feelings associated with it. It is like a splinter. It may hurt a little if you leave it alone but it might hurt a lot when you take it out. Then the pain can go away.
Possible consequences of sexual abuse are confusion about sexual identity, decreased or even absent libido, and a sense of inferiority that never goes away. Don’t wait for someone else to do something about it! The sexual abuser counts on this.
A one night stand especially does not honor and respect what should be an act of love. It should not be done with someone you don’t know well enough to even know their name or remember it after one night out.
Clean sheets, privacy, or more than a chance meeting with soap, are necessities not just niceties.
Safety, trust, honor, and truthfulness should be expected not neglected. Pregnancy is a precious gift not an unwanted result of thoughtlessness and impulsiveness. Infertility can be the long-term result of taking a chance maybe just this once.
How do you know whom your shack up partner has been with and what calling cards were left from this encounter. Some people don’t even know if this is so and can’t tell you the truth since they don’t even know it.
Everyone has a built in need for affection and touch itself is an important form of communication. Why leave them out of the equation. Most people are uncomfortable when touched by a stranger even in an unavoidable crowded situation like the subway.
“Why don’t you show me you love me” is a popular line when seeking a good time. A person may not be ready yet to be that deeply involved with someone they really like and might be afraid to lose so they decide to chose to give the gift that they are not ready yet to give. It is priceless and expensive and can lead to bliss when properly used and reciprocated.
Putting the cart before the horse is usually not sensible or pleasurable especially for women.. There are ways that you can show person that you love them by how you treat them: a home cooked meal, a graciously opened door, a brush of a kiss, the tentative grasp of a hand, an arm around the shoulder, or a truthful compliment.
How often do we expect to get something in this world without earning it? Can a car motor go from first to fourth or fifth gear without taking any of the intervening steps like going through second or third gear?
Do you realize we learn to like certain skin colors, hair types, body shapes, heights, and to discriminate between them. To me, my mommy was beautiful and my grandmas were a “sight for my sore eyes,” although they were older and heavier than my mother. My BFF, who I met in first grade, was not judged by me on the basis of her physical size but on how much fun we had when we were together. I had a cousin the same age as I was and I often got hand me downs from her as she (although my age) was “bigger” than me. We have to be taught to see these differences as significant. The standards of beauty and handsomeness can vary quite strikingly from culture to culture and have you looked at wedding pictures and seen that there is a man for every woman and a woman for every man.
I was having a discussion with my daughter-in-law and discovered that an actress that I considered to be no beauty was considered very attractive by my daughter-in-law. Also men and women focus on different parts of the anatomy when they try to decide if a woman is beautiful and/or and a man is a potential “chick magnet.” Haven’t you ever heard a discussion about what physically attracts a man to a woman: her boobs, her butt, her legs, her hair color, or whatever.
Remember the saying, “Men don’t make passes at women who wear glasses.” Doesn’t seem to matter now. It used to be what attracted a woman to a man was his profession or his ability to be able to support her in the style she was or would like to become accustomed to. At mid-life or latter some men look for a younger woman sometimes even young enough to be their daughter. Then there women who are “cougars” and seek younger men. Ever hear the terms, “sugar daddy”or “trophy wife”?
There is one particular cable news channel that is often on at my house and one of the recurring “experts” I became acquainted with was so ugly, I didn’t like to look at him; however he was very knowledgeable and had a very credible life history to support his road to being this “expert.” All of a sudden one day as I was listening to him, I realized he no longer was bad looking to me. His looks didn’t change but my attitude toward them had.
I came to realize that I had been selling other people short when I concentrated on their looks instead of their personality, knowledge, and abilities. I also I noticed I was selling myself short too when I dressed to impress and probably could not afford it instead of wearing something flattering and comfortable so I could be comfortable being me. I don’t mean that looks don’t count. You can go too far in this direction to the point of being offensive.
I had planned to post on the fact that the cable news channel had only impossibly beautiful women in at least distracting (if not very conservative) clothes, dangerously high heels, high maintenance hairstyles, and glamorous makeup that required that these women show up early for work in order to attain this look. Also of course, the men who had the same jobs were often not necessarily tall, athletic, and youthful and wore more comfortable, less revealing, clothes. I then realized I was judging these women on how they looked but in a negative way. They didn’t deserve that either. They invested a lot of time and money into looking the way they did and should not be judged for trying so hard.
Don’t let emotion rule your life. It can spread and infect everything that surrounds it. It becomes a series of concentric circles like those made by a pebble being thrown into a pond. Who knows? Maybe your morning temper tantrum because the coffeepot timer was not turned on and you didn’t get to have your morning coffee may extend so far that a city bus driver kicks a mother with a sick kid off the bus for not having the correct change. It may feel better but taking something out on somebody else that is not their fault is contagious and can ruin the day for every person it comes in contact with. I’m sorry you are feeling bad; but don’t take it out on the wrong person.
Don’t let emotion rule your life. Sexual feelings aren’t the responsibility of the person that attracted you Sexual feelings are owned not by the person who elicits them but by the one who has them. This may be a more common experience for women who have had unwanted and inappropriate passes made towards them. I had a guy who tried to “cop a feel” on the greyhound bus. I didn’t say anything; but I shoved stuff between us and changed my seat at the next rest stop. This has happened to me with someone who was my supervisor and also with someone who was my doctor. Both I think were married and I was single. You know, I spent an entire retreat with a group of mostly lesbian women, and never got a pass made at me or an inappropriate touch no matter what we were doing or how we were dressed or undressed? I am just an ordinary woman. The movie, Fatal Attraction, portrayed a woman’s obcessive preoccupation with a man who first pursued her and then rejected her.