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Remember When You Are Down, Some People Like To Keep You There

Some people can be particularly nasty.  Maybe it’s the devil in them.  When you’re down and can’t bring yourself up, some people particularly relish the idea of making you feel even worse about yourself and not having any reason for living.  Maybe because they are jealous of the person they try to bring down and they think it will make them feel good.  Just as the devil is jealous of all believers,

When I was premenstrual, I often would have one day where I was down and couldn’t bring myself back up.  One time I even had a dream where I was trying to commit suicide by trying to drown myself in a pool.  If I hadn’t of known that I would usually have one day like that before my period, I would have let it get to me.  I would weather the storm knowing that the next day I would not feel so down so I didn’t let it get to me.

Some people are so evil that they would even provide the means for a suicidal person to commit suicide.  A boy’s parent gave him as a Christmas present the gun that his brother had used to commit suicide.  See the book by M. Scott Peck, The People Of The Lie.

Sometimes when parents lose a child that they favored they wish that it would have been another child in the family that died.  This is heinous as usually, that child had nothing to do with the death of the other child.  It could have been an illness, an accident or a suicide that caused the death.

If a person’s self-esteem is particularly low, they can even think that it would be doing the world a favor by killing them self.  These people can be particularly fragile and vulnerable to negative thoughts and feelings.  Bringing someone like that down even further can artificially raise someone else’s self-esteem.

Before The Time Is Up, Use It Wisely

Can You Beat The Clock? 

Time is like money.  It is something you can spend wisely or foolishly.  It belongs to you and it is like you have your own bank account except if you don’t use it, you lose it.  Pretend then that it is your money and what will you do with it?  When you procrastinate or sleep on the job, you misuse it.  Sleep itself is not bad but there is a time and a place for it.  We all need 7 to 8 hours of sleep in a day.  Mindlessly watching TV or checking your texts or social media can be addicting and before you know it you can have an addiction problem and may be no better than an alcoholic.

Achievement is important in the use of time.  Think of it as something you can use to accomplish something.  I don’t know about you, but things talk to me when I see things that need to be done.  It adds to my mind clutter.  Worrying about doing something rather than doing it.  Arguing with yourself about why somebody else should do it, not you.  These things are a waste 0f precious time and shouldn’t be left attracting your attention.  Right now my kitchen floor is reminding me that it is past time to be mopped.  I can sweep it, but not mop it what is stopping me from doing the former when I can’t do the latter.  That mop bucket full of water is impossible for me to lift, but I can push a broom and I have a dust pan with a handle.

If you goof off, do it well.  It is not wrong to enjoy something like a TV show or a newspaper, but don’t stay glued to the TV when something you wanted to watch is over.  Us senior citizens often fall asleep.  Time passes quickly when you are having fun or when you sleep through something.

Life is like a box of chocolates.  Delicious to eat but they are quickly gone if you can’t help yourself from eating them all at once.  Sometimes you concentrate on the “delicious” things to do and avoid the things you consider boring or useless, but they can make life unpleasant if you have to pay for them later like avoiding flushing the stool after having your morning B. M.

Once I shared a bathroom with a girl who was also renting a room there.  We did not speak and I hardly ever saw her.  Until she got drunk (I think) and threw up all over the stool and the floor in our shared bathroom.  I waited for her to clean it but I couldn’t ignore it as the facilities were unusable until I gave in and cleaned them up no matter how icky and stinky they were. like this that you put off only get worse over time.  Things like this that you put off only get worse over time.

There is nothing wrong with time off if you use it wisely because before you know it, it will be gone.  Some people use up vacation and sick days when they get them.  Then they are bankrupt when it comes to time off.  Some people save them for a major illness or extra money when they retire and get reimbursed for them.  It really is your time, not theirs.  I am going to use mine right now to take a break for lunch which I plan to enjoy before I get back to work and finish this.

Reading Their Minds: Politicians And Others Of Such Ilk

Watched a discussion of what a politician did this week and how it turned out for him.  There has been and still is a big conflict over leaks in President Trump’s administration.  Then one of his close advisors enabled information about his personal opinion of what this administration is doing wrong to be accidentally by leaked someone on the left who he forgot to tell that he was talking confidentially and it got out.

Curiously another former staff member of President Trump made some very obcene comments about a staff member in the White House just before he got canned.  Should have both these men have known better?  These men both had been involved with dealing with the media and with dealing with leaks in the White House.

It seems that information about the President and his administration should be confidential and he will decide with input from his trusted? staff what to release.  Shouldn’t his advisors ask to see the President in order to tell him their concerns and this should be confidential and not released to the media by them only by the President?

Doesn’t this pattern fit recent staffers who recently got fired or resigned?  In many places of business, employees are supposed to keep their mouths shut about what goes on in the business.  For example. banks, law offices, and mental health facilities.One staffer went so far as to take notes of a conversation with the President and had a friend leak them to the press.  This was just before he got fired. Don’t I see a lot of sour grapes here? Wt happened to ethics and keeping the law while in public service?

Mercy Me,if I can see through this, why can’t you?  Ordinary people can see through this.  What do they think we are dupes?  easily fooled and manipulated.  Sometimes it is just better to keep your mouth shut especially if you want to keep it secret.  Also, don’t you think it is media’s job to notice this and figure out what is going on?

The People Of The Lie Are Excellent Manipulators Because they Have No Conscience

Has Someone Ever Hi-Jacked Your Mind? (Malignant Narcisists)

Some people are masters at manipulating your mind.  They don’t care about you, they care about them.  I have had them in my family and in my friends’ families.  It is like watching out for an open bear traps set by these people and once they have gotten you in their grip you might lose your leg.  The most important thing is that they don’t care about you but they take advantage of you caring about them.  (

Some people don’t think the way you think but they can make you think that they do.  When we start to become involved with them, we might think that they think like us and even that they have the same values and standards of behavior.   (More later)  More information in the post where gaslighting is discussed and in the post where M. Scott Peck’s  The People of the lie is discussed.   We don’t want to be bad people and not take these people at their word.  We find out later that what happens is that they don’t keep their word even when we do keep our word.  Sometimes it goes to the point where these people don’t really have any conscience but they can manipulate us to their advantage because we do.

Let It All Out (Continuation of Righteous Anger) -Under Construction

There is a time when you should not hold it all in and you should let it out.  Finding a safe place is important.  Go where you can’t be heard or seen.  Get a pillow.  Get a weapon of mass destruction (just kidding) a rubber hose or a rolled up newspaper.  Find something safe to hit (we used to use old phone books)  Scream and yell and let it all hang out.  There are times when people rely on the fact that you won’t say anything and will acquise to almost anything so as not to cause a disturbance.  You can have a lot bottled up if you have let people walk all over you.  “Give me a ride to the docotor’s and wait there and bring me home.  We’ll use your gas and your car and might even get you to buy us something to eat if it runs past lunch time or you have t o pretend you’re not hungry and go ahead and drive them home and not eat’

Righteous Anger?

English: Angry woman.

English: Angry woman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Is anger righteous?  Many people believe so. You feel that somebody or something has done you wrong.  Is it okay then to get mad?  What about considering the following religious sayings: Vengeance is mine saith the Lord or  turn the other cheek.  Or is it more important to know (especially if you are not religious) that anger, if indulged in, can continue to eat at your guts when the person you may be angry with is no longer in the picture.  Also what you say and do when you are angry can get you into trouble and have long term consequences.  How many people who have gone to jail got into trouble with the law when they were angry?

We most often get angry about things we can’t control and we often make the mistake of thinking if we are angry at or about something that it is something we can control when it is something we can’t control.  There are things we can control, even if it is difficult to do so sometimes,  like our thoughts and what we say and do.  When it comes to other people, we usually can’t control what they do, say, or think unless we use negative behaviors like force or emotional manipulation.  What happens when people are forced or manipulated into doing something they don’t want to do, they get angry and now we have come full circle.  Now we’re not angry, but someone else is, and nothing can be done  to stop them from retaliating when they get a chance and as a result, we get angry again.

When we indirectly express our aggression, we call it passive aggression.  Passive aggression involves behaviors that often appear to be kind and helpful, but aren’t.  Have you ever agreed to do something against your will and managed to mess it up somehow?  The other person can’t get mad at you, right?, because you did what they wanted even if it didn’t turn out right.  That is often a form of passive aggression.

People often say when they get mad that they can’t control their feelings.  When they have feelings,  they just happen and it is the other person’s fault for causing them to feel that way.  Actually it is important to own your own feelings.  The same thing can happen to two different people and they can feel differently about it.  If I am out shopping and I have no appointments to keep and someone ahead of me in a checkout line has a problem and causes the line to back up, I probably will not get upset and will wait for the problem to be resolved.  Another person who had the same thing happen to her last week and missed an appointment because of it gets mad and the feeling grows in intensity the longer she waits.

When it comes to feelings, especially angry ones, it is better to say,”I feel angry when you do this”, rather than, “When you do this, you make me feel angry”.  It is better to not assign blame to others.  These are called “I statements“.  Also often when you put some perspective on things, the feelings that you have about them change.  For example when a person bumps into you, you may be upset, until you notice that the person has a white cane and is blind.

 

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More on Anger

The world has seemed to explode with anger.  Almost everywhere you look around the world, people are angry and they are destroying property and killing and maiming people.  How do you get people to do this?  Threats can be made to people that the same will happen to them if they do not cooperate in doing this and that they will become the enemy  and be slaughtered too.  This is what has happened to children soldiers in Africa.

What is the origin of anger?  It always starts with the individual and his or her ability to control his or her own temper.  Some people consider anger a right.  They may even believe that they can not help how they feel.  They may think, “It is alright for me to do this if someone or something makes me angry.”  This might be labeled as righteous anger.  (See my post, Righteous Anger published previously on this website.)

After we are born, our emotional feelings separate into two kinds of feelings,  positive and negative.  Anger is one type of  negative feeling.  Frustration is one way that negative feelings are created.  We learn in childhood the appropriate ways to express these feelings and what type of behavior we are supposed to use to do this.

ANGER!!

ANGER!! (Photo credit: Za3tOoOr!)

There is a difference between power and force as means of getting one’s way.  Force is fueled with anger and it is expressed as aggression.  If I want something, I take it.  Power is more subtle and complex.  An example of this would be Mahatma Gandhi in India and his nonviolence movement.  The more respect one has for one’s self and others and the the more peaceful one’s value system is, the more likely it is that when that person accomplishes something, it is will be through power and not force.   Dr. David Hawkins has a book about this called, Power vs. Force.

 

The Vulnerable Age, Young Adulthood

These new adults have just started making decisions based on possible future consequences and they are easily seduced into following groups that offer or most of all the answers to life’s questions.  This has been discussed alot when cults became prominent and attracted young followers.  They, the cults, claimed to have all the answers and these inexperienced young people were easy targets.

Actually the answers to the whys of life can actually be chased all life long and what seem to be the answers at one point in life (say middle age) may not be the answers at an earlier and sometimes not even at an older age.  Self-respect, love, joy, and peace should always be part of these answers.  You can wear yourself out chasing certain things (money, romance, notoriety, and power) and never be really content.

You can create an atmosphere around you that invites negative things or you can create a positive loving environment that can generate good will wherever you go.  Frowns, cuss words, criticism, negative solutions can contaminate not only your life but those of others.  The best solution is to leave if you can not change the topic of the conversation and thus change the atmosphere you are around.

People who seem very self-confident and righteous rather than calm and basically sure of what they are saying usually are being very defensive at least on the inside and need you as a disciple to confirm their beliefs and back the power of these beliefs over others including you.  Who are they fooling?  Themselves? Others? You?  This brings to mind a drug addict I know.  He walked into the room I was in with a smug smile on his face and confident that I didn’t really know what he was doing.  I did!  I told him he was “high” and I didn’t appreciate it.

Don’t let them destroy your own self-confidence.  Yes, it takes time but you can develop your own self-judgment.  If it doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t right.  Sometimes someone else’s self-confidence can overrule our own good judgment.

If Man Finds A Woman Sexually Attractive, Does He Think That The Woman Automatically Finds Him Sexually Attractive?

(ROUGH DRAFT)

If A woman’s appearance or behavior turns a man on, does he automatically think he turns her on too and will cooperate?  Ouch, this is not always true.  There were several different times in my life when a man was turned on to me (and I wasn’t turned on by him) and he acted as if I was or ought to be turned on to him.  If he followed through and made advances towards me which were unwanted, it at least left me terribly confused, embarrassed and at a loss to know how to get myself out of the situation gracefully.

Sexual harassment? before I knew there was such a thing.  These situations always left me embarrassed and confused and feeling that I had gotten too far into a situation that I never intended to start, encourage, or didn’t know how to get out of safely.  I was from the era when it was always the woman’s fault if it got out of hand.  Yet, I as a woman didn’t know how I got into it and/or how to get out of it.Does the Bible facilitate these situations?  How if a man got into one of these situations he was seduced.  I am not saying that women haven’t done this; but this not true of all women maybe not even most women.  But if a sexual relationship is seen as a path to security? or as payment for a date?  what else could a man think?  Sex should be a case of mutual attraction and commitment.  Also if a man is supposed to have some experience and a woman has little or none.  What else could happen?

It is like playing with fire.  If a little confusion and misconception on the woman’s part is required to get her cooperation even if it is misleading, can it be worth the price?  Since the woman might feel that it would be considered her fault anyway as she should have none better or why would she have gone along with it.  The lack of adequate sex education on both the woman’s and the man’s part can lead to the abdication of responsibility and misappropriation of a woman’s sexual desires.

There were several different times in my life when a man was turned on to me (and I wasn’t turned on by him) and he acted as if I was or ought to be turned on to him.  If he followed through and made advances towards me which were unwanted, it at least left me terribly confused, embarrassed and at a loss to know how to get myself out of the situation gracefully.

But if a sexual relationship is seen as a path to security? or as payment for a date?  what else could a man think?  Sex should be a case of mutual attraction and commitment.  Also if a man is supposed to have some experience and a woman has little or none? what else could happen?

Who were these men in my life?  For example, my therapist who at one of our first therapy sessions told me he found me sexually attractive and wondered why I didn’t appreciate it.  This therapist at a follow-up visit after my therapy had finished said, “come here lie down (on the floor) and let me touch you.”

What about the pediatrician who liked to examine my babies while I held them spread out on my lap (now they are called lap dances)?

Then there was the psychiatrist with whom I worked as a Psychology Student one summer just after I got out of college liked to show me Play Boy center foldouts in order to see my reactions to them and he liked to have me do the Mental Status examination while he did the physical examination on our all male patients (who were at least partially disrobed at the time).

Finally there was the senior psychologist who put his hand on my thigh while driving me home from a visit to visit another clinic.  Just because I was recently divorced didn’t mean I was horny or interested in an older married man (to whom I did not feel attracted to anyway).  He had a reputation for this and couldn’t keep a secretary because of this.  Had I in some way asked for this?

Yikes!  If I had ever thought about being sexually attractive, this could have made me not want to be.  How uncomfortable does that make a woman feel when she would really like to feel sexually attractive when she finds a man to whom she feels appropriately attracted?  This is like the thief who says why do they put the expensive diamond jewelry in the jewelry store window if they don’t want it stolen?

Yes, there are women who do seduce men for their own reasons which do not involve true love and appreciation; but there are also men who do the same.

How Vulnerable Are You To Other People’s Complaints About You?

(Coming post.)

You know most of us wear sunscreen when we go outside; but do you know that besides being vulnerable to the sun’s rays, we are also vulnerable to other people’s criticisms.  What you don’t know is that many people are more vulnerable to criticisms about things they are already doing.  Isn’t it interesting that when we are already doing something, we are more easily hurt by disparaging comments about our lack of effort put into doing those things than we are about things we don’t focus on?

It is only because of shame and guilt that we are easily made unhappy by what other people say.  If we can not feel these things then what other people say may have no effect!  Shame and guilt can be great motivators and can create strong feelings in the one who feels them.  Feeling bad sometimes can interfere with a person’s ability to accomplish their goals and even if they achieve them, they will not feel happy or value their own accomplishments.

With no guilt and/or no shame, it is almost impossible to change a person,  People with addiction problems can steal from their friends and family when given any opportunity.  There is some times the justification, “They owe it to me.”  “It is my inheritance” and “Why can’t I have it now?”  Reference the story of the prodigal son in the Old Testament.

 

Diamond Rings And Things

(In Process)Do you have things like diamond rings, houses, and cars.  If you keep them, you have maintenance fees, taxes, storage space, and how often and how much do you use them.  Do you want to tie up your time and money providing for these things?  How many of these things do you really still want and the flash and the bang that you first had when you got these things may have faded away.

Do you have things like diamond rings, houses, and cars.  If you keep them, you have maintenance fees, taxes, storage space, and how often and how much do you use them.  Do you want to tie up your time and money providing for these things?  How many of these things do you really still want and the flash and the bang that you first had when you got these things may have faded away.

Do I sound like a liberal or a conservative?  Maybe both!  If all those stars and financial bigwigs who have more than one domicile like Oprah could share or give up holding onto these places so other people could use them.  How many people could be housed?  People need food water and sanitation as well as a well-insulated roof over their heads and some well-insulated walls on a solid foundation. The chance to live somewhere there is not a fire fight every night with stray bullets available to kill innocent people like bystanders.

Yes, important people having these places generate more jobs but how many of these people have American citizenship and get decent wages and work decent hours.  Also, how are these people treated?  Do we treat the least among us like we treat the highest among us?  What kind of a world have we created?

I value pretty things and I have a glass collection.  I enjoyed the hunt and the purchase of each piece.  I would like it to stay a collection when it is passed on.  Would I commit suicide, if a tornado hit this house and destroyed every piece, no!  If I lost my cat or dog, I would grieve and if it was a person, I would never forget..

Pretty pretties, collectable cars, mansions filled with gold, silver, and precious gemstones.  Do they make up for the lack of love and affection in someone’s life and a cold atmosphere of negative thinking even thunderstorms of anger?  I would like a little cuddle now and then, a smile or a grin.  Sex that is not a competition of who could get the most orgasms or the most handsome or beautiful partner.  People who have nothing in common and who don’t want to have anything in common with their partner pair up for the mechanical act of sexual relations.

These relationships should ensure that both partners wind up feeling closer to the other and wanting to repeat the experience.  The partners get to know each other and they are not together just to have sex.  Love, affection, respect, and cherishing are part of the glue that holds the relationship together.  It is not just a chance to have a child or to take care of a hard-on generated by lust.

Children are not dolls just to be dressed up and showed off.  Rich families in the past often did this and the children wound up being closer to their nanny than to their parents.  (Now it is the babysitter.)  “Children should be seen and not heard” used to be the motto.  Parents can become more involved in things than their spouse or their children.  I dated a guy once who was in at least one bowling league every night of the week.  Guess where he took me?

In conclusion to put it in a few words:  “When is enough enough?”  Why are many people decluttering their homes and some even their lives?  Why are we constantly encouraged to get rid of “out of date” but probably not worn out clothing and furniture and accessories?  I have always thought some sort of storage place should be available for things that were no longer useful to one person or family could be put and those who needed something might look there first.  Of course, the number of second-hand stores has grown and also some people routinely check the clearance aisles in stores.  Some people have recently been forced to do this and others have been doing this for a long time even when it was not an “in” thing to do like me!

 

 

Shame The Great Manipulator, The Great Trap Of Unworthness

I was raised on shame.   It was my claim to fame.  I was not recognised for what I did well, but for those things I did not do so well.  I was also convinced over time that I could not do them well and when that happened that people would give up on me.  I thought there were only so many things in life that other people would approve of and that I was not capable of doing them well enough to make other people proud of me.  I was recognised for what or where I could not meet up to other people’s standards and I felt like I was a great disappointment to my family so much so my relatives did not want other people to know that I was related to them.

I was so easily made to feel shameful that I was bullied, I was suicidal, and I was made to feel that I could never meet up to other people’s standards (of which there was only one set) and I would ultimately be rejected and thrown out on the street if that was possible.  There was only one person to blame and that was me and I didn’t know any different.

Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?

Worse yet I realized that in sexually inappropriate situations the victim (that was me) was always the one who should feel ashamed and had something to hide instead of the reverse.  Getting caught in a sexually compromising situation was something I should cover up, sneak out of, and pretend didn’t happen even though I now know it qualified as sexual abuse.   It was something to be covered up and forgotten if possible.

Brene Brown with her doctorate in Social Work found that we have three shields that we can use as shields against shame.  We can forget or not talk about what we see as a shameful situation.  Men will tell you that they are not comfortable talking about certain things that happened to them as they were growing up or even later in life such as post-traumatic stress syndrome and even had pushed these things so far out of mind that they did not remember them.

Another shield against shame mentioned by Dr. Brown was appeasement.  If someone is dissatisfied with you or something you have done, you try to make it up to them or make them so happy or satisfied in another way that they will forget that you did not or might not make them happy.  Another word for this might be “brown nosing”.

Another possibility would be going towards or against the person or situation that makes you feel shameful and take it out aggressively toward them or it.  This is the third shame shield mentioned by Dr. Brown.  Could the liberal Democrats’ behaviour after the election of President Donald Trump be an example of this?  Are they ashamed that their candidate did not win over such an unlikely candidate?

Sometimes our entire life can be motivated by shame and others can get what they want us to do by shaming us and can feel better about themselves by winning over us in this way.  I have often felt that being a woman, especially a woman professional, made me a target for this sort of thing.  If a woman can do it (what I did) it must be something easy to obtain and therefore not worth much.  The step between someone with a Masters degree and a Ph.D. must be pretty easy if she can do it.  I did not attend the graduation ceremonies when I received my doctorate (because it was not such a big deal)?