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People Who Talk And Don’t Listen Or Watch What They Say Or Do

I was recently involved in a conversation where I appeared to be the only woman responding and I sometimes thought that I was invisible and I not only wasn’t seen, I wasn’t heard either.  Is this a common experience for other women?  I thought the women’s liberation had changed all that or had it?

As a woman in these groups I am often in the minority and not being paid attention to is often unfortunate; but also just plain rude.  What happened to lady’s first?  Often when a woman gets to make a contribution, the men are often in the process of getting up out of their chairs and leaving the group as much to say that the woman’s comments are not worth staying for and listening to.

For example, if I raise my hand indicating that  I wanted to speak next and had something to add to the conversation, another man in the group starts to talk without raising his hand and that I had held my hand up before he started talking is ignored.  If I do get to speak. For Heaven’s sake if I can get the floor, I am greeted by impatience from some of the males in the group and may not be able to get my point across before I am interrupted and another person (usually a man) takes over the conversation to refute me.

Recently I saw a contribution on FaceBook that discussed something that was called manspeak and realized I was not alone in the world when it came to being bulldozed this way.  What happens also is that men are usually oblivious to what is going on as far as the women in the group are concerned.  At the end of church Sunday, I volunteered to give the closing prayer and our minister told me that he thought that a woman had never done that before.  Huh?  My first experience with a woman’s rights group on my campus was in the late 60’s and we are now in the second decade of the 21st century!

 

An afterthought, consider the dress codes for women as compared to men in the broadcasting business.  Men are covered from wrist to neck and down to the feet.  It can be a very forgiving outfit and I notice that this can cover up excess weight fairly well.  Men also seem to age gracefully on television.  One standard that is also usually kept by men is “neat and clean”.  I also have noticed that men usually take a very relaxed position with their legs open.

Now take women they often, but not always, have very high maintenance hairstyles and dresses that are often not usually very modest and therefore, women have to struggle to avoid exposing themselves especially since they usually sit with their legs crossed.  Also there seem to be standards for women especially that encourage them to keep their weight down and sometimes has them even resorting to surgery in order to look more youthful.

 

Now this is easy to observe, but no one usually says anything about this usually on air and pant suits similar to men’s suits are discouraged and sometimes made fun of although I have observed that female elected government officials do frequently wear pants; and not usually, except in Hillary Clinton’s case, made fun of for doing this; but I do notice that sometimes comments about the women’s hairstyles as being unfaltering and unattractive are made in a way that reflects on their ability to do their jobs.

Women?  Are we being kept in our place this way by men?

What The World Needs Now Is More Love And Less Anger

What seems to be the easiest to do?  Get Mad at someone or something or tell someone that you care about them or tell someone that you care about something?  We are like growing plants that need the nutrients in the soil, and sunshine and water.  What is tragic is that if all we get is anger and criticism, it soon substitutes for love and affection and compliments.  What happens to a child is that the parent finds that all the child does is get in trouble to get “negative” attention which is better than no attention at all.

Negative behaviour seems to be a remedy for the “Forgotten Child Syndrome”.  If there is a little “Miss Princess” or a Dashing Prince in the house or a “Star Athlete” (male or female)”  or “Precious Scholar” (also either male or female) in the house, it can lead to the family focusing all their attention and often all their time and energy on that child.  The other child in the household may become the Brat in order to get recognition and time and attention because he or she is a problem and to get a chance to take his or her anger out on the overeager parents who focus their attention mainly on the Good Child.

Another possibility is that praise does not usually lead to behavior change and the topic of the person’s misbehavior does not lead to emotional upheaval and/or becomes a fruitful topic for discussion and/or gossip.  Also it directs other people attention away from the person who is being critical onto the person who is being criticized.  Surprise, surprise, the source of the criticisim is often revealing more about him or her self than they are about the person they are criticising.  In this case, offense is a good defense. In other words don’t look at me look at them.  This can lead to the person witnessing these behaviors to becoming very confused as it is not very clear what is going on.

Surprise, surprise, the source of the criticism is often revealing more about him or her self than they are about the person they are criticising.  In this case, offense is a good defense. In other words don’t look at me look at them.  This can lead to the person witnessing these behaviors to becoming very confused as it is not very clear what is going on.

Another even more confusing example occurs when a child whose parents are divorced seems to treat the “good” parent worse than the “not-so-good” parent. Once a child is secure in the love of a parent he or she might find it easier and safer to “let it all hang out ” with the parent whose love they are assured of than with the parent with whom they don’t feel securely attached.  Ah, the not so sweet mysteries of life!

Things That Children Absolutely Need (Which Usually Cost Nothing)

Children are like African violets.  (A type of small very ticklish house plant which housewives of my mother’s generation raised.)  They are very sensitive in terms of their response to the environment in which they are planted.  Children were known to die in orphanages when they were physically taken care of but not emotionally taken care of.  Yet some people give more attention to the African violets in their life than to their children.

As each African violet is individual in its needs for light and air and moisture so is each child individual in his or her needs for attention, love, and support.  When this is neglected, the plant or child withers and dies inside if not outside like the plant.  The payoff of proper care can be great in either case.

Perhaps one can afford to lose many African violets in this process but not even one child.  Children can be resilient but still, can be greatly damaged and become of little use to themselves and furthermore to the society that child dwells in.

Moisture, light, and soil and the addition of fertiliser is needed for a violet to grow; but what is needed for a child to grow in the right direction?  Love, support, attention, and unconditional love appear to be necessary for this to happen.

Caregivers can not neglect one child while caring for another,  This has been shown to happen when a child has a seriously ill sibling.  This child needs attention and care too especially if this child gets neglected while the ill child gets urgently needed care.

The sibling does not need to be seriously physically ill to take attention and care away from another sibling.  Some children are more attractive to one or both of the parents than other children. How important is it for a parent to have an athlete or gymnast or beauty queen or a scholar over a wallflower, a geek, or any child who is not particularly gifted or attractive

Worse yet are parents who really shouldn’t have any children (P.S. I am not opting for abortion, but I am a champion of adoption in these cases).  Sadly what welfare does sometimes does not necessarily encourage parents to be actively involved in bringing children up right.

Wealth is not necessarily the main factor in bringing children up right.  The things that are needed to do this often can’t be bought.  They often cost more time than money.  First is unconditional love which occurs when a person often gives another person love no matter what he or she does or says.

Children need support, not just physical support, but emotional support.  A child can do well at something, but this accomplishment might be ignored and/ or at least not supported emotionally by the family or guardian.  The child can say to themselves, “Oh, what’s the use?” if the effort that he or she puts into something is unnoticed and they receive little or no help with it on top of that!

Prize winning entries at the county fair can go unnoticed and wining or losing a coveted position on a team or in a play can also be ignored.  “You did what?, when said, demonstrates that at least part of a child’s life has gone unnoticed.  Worse yet, a child can be hurt or sick and this goes unnoticed until the child is in serious jeopardy.

Psychological needs that go unmet can cause great harm to some children.  Children that survive such circumstances can be very resilient but those who don’t are a drain on society and can be lost.  Too often the people who make these decisions are incompetent as well.  The judge in my family says that custody decisions in his court are given to the least competent to decide.

 

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FINALLY I AM FREE TO BE ME!

My happy face anyway!.

Finally I am free to be me.  Are you free to be you?

I just discovered in my old age (where I have found that insights blossom) I am no longer bound by what others think.  I don’t have to judge myself by people who are successful in my field or in any other field.  I am free to be me finally.  Instead of withering on the vine, I am growing again in new and different directions.  I grant that I have had difficulty with the judgments of me made by others.  I may not be the world’s expert on a subject, but more than likely they aren’t either.

Be on your guard as you may be greeted by the anger of others if you do assert yourself.  Attacking what is the most defended by others may reach the highest rewards.  Who am I?  Am I what I want to be and can be if I only let go of others’ past influences?  Make way for ME!  I am discovering things that were lost or discarded as not achievable.  Now can I trust my own judgment?

Would you, if you were a man, wear a suit that was tailored to fit some other man.  I had a husband who was very particular about collar sizes and sleeve lengths in his shirts.  I have discovered I only like music that is sung a certain way and any other versions can offend me.   (Am I right or wrong? )  Or have I discovered music for myself?

Failures do not always define you.  Whose judgment are you relying on?  Come home to the person you should know ( yourself) and glorify that.  This is not permission to clobber other people so you can have your own way, but you might make some people unhappy because they can no longer control you.  We all do not have the same tastes!

You probably can no longer be the peacemaker just giving in because someone with a louder voice is used to making a group’s decisions.  For example, such a person then picks the restaurant for a group to eat at which then decides what you can have to eat.  Avoiding conflict does keep the level of the drama down but at what price to you?

I am becoming well-defined as I age and have lumps and bumps that may not please others or that may interfere with what they (not I) want.  Who am I actually?  Do I have undiscovered talents and interests that I can use to shape “my world”?

Are Churches Ice-o-lating (Not Just Isolating) New members?

  1. rp_7276688008_157c6001e4_m.jpg Do liturgies, choirs, scripture readings, professional musicians, limit those who get to participate and how they get to participate in the worship service? and also what makes the worship service meaningful?
  2. Can members pray and talk about their needs and the world’s needs and their own religious experiences?  Many churches still have all male elders.  Sometimes they have limits on who can speak in church and what they can speak about such as only doctrinal and Bible-related subjects?  Are the gifts of the Holy Spirit encouraged and even demonstrated in front of the congregation.rp_3692285331_9043cf7c46_m.jpg
  3. Is individual spiritual growth encouraged and supported not just in the church and Bible study groups?
  4. Are potential new members and visitors encouraged and welcomed when they come?chinese-grandparents-sitting-grandchildren-26098101
  5. Have you observed how members interact and welcome people to the church?  Are their welcomes warm and inviting or do new people feel ignored, frozen out, and rejected?
  6. Do church members gather in little groups and ignore others who also have something to talk about?  Are children, the lifeblood of the church, not only not welcomed by the church members, but also their parents are sternly disciplined for not keeping them still, quiet, and also maybe even invisible?
  7. rp_9709182109_5fd0b7fbaa_n.jpgWorship and fellowship should be a warm, welcoming experience for all members and possible new members.  Membership in the church should not be kept to the special few who believe the right way, worship the right way and think that they are potentially free of sin, not only now, but also in the past and future.
  8. Cold shoulders by longtime parishioners are not only not welcomed by nonmembers and but also by current members in the church such behaviour fails to spread the Word and Love of God.  Church members should not be critical of others while excusing themselves.judge-not-discernment
  9. Everyone’s sins should be potentially forgivable.  Prostitutes and tax collectors were accepted and blessed by Jesus.
  10. Worship should not be an ordeal but energy producing, love enriching, faith renewing, inspiring and making one ready to go out into the world and follow Christ’s footsteps.
  11. Attending church should be an inspiring and happy experience where one feels welcome and accepted.  Where visitors and potential new members are not considered a problem; but a potential resource for the church and providing a chance for the church to see and meet their needs.beingjudgmental
  12. Is this what atheists see in the church?  If so, aren’t they right?  What kind of an example of Bible-loving Christians are we giving to them?  Hate or love.  Acceptance or rejection?  Solemnity or joyousness?
  13. Thanks to Bible teacher, Joyce Meyer for her inspiration and also thanks to the groups in which I’ve had loving and joyful experiences.

Do Women Think Like Men? Do Men Think Like Women?

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgI wanted to think that men and women are potentially alike; but as I got older and wiser, I don’t think that way anymore.  After many, many years of marriage.  I have learned different.

rp_AVaP8ps9-q4L3Kdb3ETm_150_150.jpgFor example, when I want to ask a man a quick question while he is watching TV or on the phone, I am told to wait a minute which never comes.  If I am doing something,  a man expects that I should interrupt what I am doing tell him the information that he wants to know which usually also involves that I stop what I am doing and do it for him.  However, I am expected to multitask and to not forget what I was doing or going to do to take care of something for him.little things

Another example, men have goals and aspirations that can take a good part of their time and of their disposable? income.  Or else they think to themselves, what else am I working for?  Women work to contribute to the family income and also to pay the childcare costs so they can work to do this.  Certain hobbies and their accompanying expenses are considered necessary “man” things to do.  Women like to look nice and to have a nice place to live which is not as important to men.

pancioneWomen risk their lives and their health in order to reproduce while men usually think it is no big deal.  Even if a woman chooses not to reproduce, it is still her responsibility.  Also often there are men who like to have unprotected sex and who often do not see reproduction as their responsibility.  Birth control and a woman’s menstrual cycle usually are two things women have to take care of and suffer from.  Men often think that these are things a man does not have to be concerned about.livetomorrow

Also having children can create a great big stress on a woman’s body and under certain circumstances can kill a woman.  Any woman who has been pregnant more than once including stillbirths and miscarriages, as well as live births, can tell you that they can all be different.  Even I who had three children late in life seemingly uneventfully can tell that you that I could have lost my third child during birth and I didn’t know this til after she was born.rp_2780384803_28c36076e5_m.jpg

Some women don’t want to bother with being pregnant but still have to deal with mixed feelings about having an abortion and the often dangerous lack of skilled care at abortion clinics.  On the man’s side is the possibility that when an abortion is involved, he may still want the child if the woman doesn’t!rp_5135526403_dff3680e03_m.jpg

Sometimes I think that some men can become so attached to their ideas and accomplishments that they can’t accept the idea that their ideas may no longer work with new discoveries being found and can stand in the way of necessary progress.  Academia reinforces this with its publish or perish mandates necessary to obtain tenure.  Women are more flexible and more able to see different points of view.  Relationships for women are more important for women and often make up for the fact that they are less attached to a job or position or a theory.rp_332608716_150_150.jpg

The Little PEOPLE

happyoldercoupleEvery time I think that the Little PEOPLE are getting ahead, I realise they aren’t.  I was very happy with the recent election because I felt that the new administration was supporting the middle class that was no longer the middle class under the current, soon past administration.

grandparent-and-grandchildWhat I have recently realised is that I have joined the lower class (once working class or even middle class in many situations).  We are squeaking by on social security and disability payments (which have been borrowed from to pay other government expenses)  and have to seek help like free food from The Master’s Hand locally.  Also in this area, if you have farm income (that counts against you as it is considered income before farming expenses are taken out) in terms of getting any extra government help.farmgrandchild

Most of us would contribute something to the economy if there was a way we could.  Most of us would like to have a voice in the new administration.  For example, most of Illinois voted for the new administration except for the heavily populated urban areas.  But where is our voice?  No one campaigned in our areas and we feel that no one has listened to our concerns.  What do you think?  Are there other areas of our country in the same shape?

Expert-Full-NYC-3Also who is the voice of the forgotten little people?  On the network that supported the election of the new administration, we are not represented.  They are again relying on experts who have no real life experience or it is so far in the remote past that they don’t remember it or so far removed from it, it doesn’t matter anymore.

rp_362536218_150_150.jpgAlso, there is pressure on these experts, especially women, to conform to certain standards not representative of the men and/or do not reflect what ordinary people look like.  It is nice for some of us to remain “young” and look youthful but is not the way most people look and it is easier to see the standards for men are less stringent than for women.rp_376403644_150_150.jpg

For example, most woman experts on this network look like they are ready to go to a cocktail party instead of a business occasion.  Yes, the men are nicely and appropriately dressed but they don’t have to struggle as much as women do to appear appropriately presentable, youthful and beautiful.rp_374315433_150_150.jpg

When are the Little PEOPLE going to be represented?  The overall wearing, wearing second-hand clothing, or in “high style” Wal-Mart,  but often foreign made, clothing?  We have a lot to say and we don’t have a lot we can do about our situations but suffer.  Welfare often misses us and as our social security or retirement checks do not raise, but inflation and the cost of living does and as things cost more and more, we have to get by on less and less with little or no representation in or help from society or the government!empty pockets

The Little PEOPLE do have something to say!  We have learned something through experience.  We do have “philosophical” discussions.  We can see things others more fortunate and potentially more powerful don’t.rp_228552603_150_150.jpg

Certainly how Little PEOPLE experience life has something to say about the type of life we are promoting for all!  Often as people do better and better economically, they tend to put people down who haven’t and consider their opinions useless and their motivations feckless!  Also other people who have done well often think the same way and might make fun of those who don’t.  How many Little People do you see in certain churches or certain social groups like the Elks?  Nuff said.rp_AVaP8ps9-q4L3Kdb3ETm_150_150.jpg

Don’t Frighten Children

(In progress)  By telling them there are monsters in the dark!  Things look very different in  By telling them there are monsters in the dark!  Things look very different in very low light.  Go to bed and be sure you have a small night light on.  When you wake up later in the night, your eyes will have adjusted to the low light and you will be able to see some things but only in black and white (like old movies and TV programs) and they will be fuzzy around the edges.  You will notice that things don’t look the same and easily recognizable objects in daylight or when the lights are turned on are not so recognizable.  Is it impossible to see something that looks like a monster in these conditions until you turn the lights on and then you are able to see that something that looked like a monster is probably something that is easily recognizable in full light.  Yes, nightlights help us get around when we get up at night but they don’t give off the same amount of light as regular lights do or as the sun does when it is shining into the room.

Now here is a more scientific explanation.  You have two types of receptors in your retinas at the back of your eye, rods, and cones, and one type is more active in bright light while the other is more active in dim light.  There are fewer cones than rods.  Cones help our vision perceive details and colors.  They are very precise.  Rods are more prevalent but don’t help you see as clearly as many rods go to one nerve while each cone goes to a specific nerve.

No wonder it is spooky in the dark.  If you can be curious about what you can see in the near dark then you won’t be so easily scared of the dark.  However leaving lights can make it difficult to sleep.  Melatonin  which is needed for sleep production  is not produced when it is light rather than dark.  Many kinds of things that we keep on in the room where we sleep can interfere with our sleep. They only have to give off a little glow to do this.  There are quides on the internet as to what you can keep on in terms of light production that interferes the least with melatonin production.

Life Doesn’t Come With An Instruction Book

(Rough, rough Draft)  Life doesn’t come with an instruction book even though you deserve one.  You have to write your own.  Many people spend most of their lives looking for ones that are already written.  But they are no perfect matches.  Each person is unique.  You might try on several different lifestyles that are recommended to you or that you admire, but you usually never find one that fits perfectly.

Clothes used to be tailored or created with the help of a dressmaker.  I remember patterns that came with places where you might make the pattern smaller or larger.  Some people even had a dress form that could be adjusted and a dress could be fitted over it to create a perfect fit.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the style of life that you pick could be adjusted that way?  I found it difficult to find my place as a psychologist when I was around other psychologists in my training that were quite different from me.  Not only was it hard for me to model myself after them as a psychologist but also these model psychologists ended up being quite critical of me and I had difficulty making myself like them.

If I did find a psychologist or psychiatrist or other mental health practitioner that I did want to model myself after, I often was too hard on myself.  I could not understand that my talents were only emerging and I was judging myself by professionals that were much further along in their professional careers. I tried really hard and basically succeeded but I didn’t really learn who I was and I continued to do this on into my professional life.  I really didn’t know who I was and because of

I tried really hard and basically succeeded, but I didn’t really learn who I was and I continued to do this on into my professional life. Because of this, I had trouble succeeding and meeting other people’s expectations.  I continued to work really hard and felt that I was just not ever going to be a success.

Eventually, I got into the areas of self-help and spirituality and read whatever I could find about out them and attended workshops in these areas when I could find them.  Again I felt that I wasn’t making progress in these areas either even though they fascinated me.  I didn’t know it at the time that these things were a personal experience and different for each person involved.

It wasn’t until I approached the areas of different types of learning that I found out that I was a different type of thinker.  I am a creative type of person who has to do something first.  I can’t tell you what I am going to do before I do it.  I often don’t know what I am going to do before I have done it.  I can explain what I have done and organize what I did after the fact instead of before the fact.

I am left-handed and am right-brained instead of left brained.  I find it easier to do whatever it is that I am going to do and then answer questions about what I did and how and why I did it.  For example, I am very good at interviewing people and getting information out of them; but the best way to show other people what I do when I am interviewing is to do it behind a one-way mirror and answer the audience’s questions afterward.

Gee, I wish I had known this about myself much earlier in life and had not passed up opportunities to develop myself in areas where I could have been quite creative if I had continued to develop my talents.  A couple of areas are hypnosis,  interpretation of drawings and the use of drawing in children’s therapy.  I also found out that I can sing quite well if I don’t feel self-conscious and I sing songs interpretively that just seem to have stuck in my head without an accompanist.  (I guess I can’t pick a key and I haven’t found an accompanist that can shadow me.)  I was never able to take voice lessons although I had sung in

I have now found out that I can sing quite well if I don’t feel self-conscious and I sing songs interpretively that just seem to have stuck in my memory without an accompanist.  (I guess I can’t pick a key and I haven’t found an accompanist that can shadow me.)

I was never able to take voice lessons although I had sung in choirs at school and in church.  I now think that might have made me worse instead of better.  I found that when I was in college that the voice majors were all quite technically accomplished and that I couldn’t compete with them and do what they did.  Now I do my own thing and I can do it quite well if I am not afraid to be me.

 

Bullying The New Sport

(Rough Draft) As a victim of bullying, I have felt like the bull in the ring at a bullfight. Poked and prodded until he is exhausted, extremely angry, and unable to do anything about it but die.  There have been attempts to outlaw bullfights for humanitarian reasons, but they never get it done.

This seems to be the same way with bullying as the victim continues to suffer and is expected to fight back in his or her own defense against a more powerful foe or gang of bullies.  This seems to be shameful.  Where does it seem fair to gang up on someone like that who has no defenders and is seen as weak by his or her foes?

rp_300px-Anger_Controlls_Him.jpgBullying hurts.  It is not funny.  Doing this to a person who is already down.  If a group demands that you join them in bullying.  Remember it is a hate crime.  It can result in vicious mob behavior.  Sometimes persons who should be supervising this group, egg it on and join the “fun” instead.

Sometimes people create a separation between what they call just teasing and bullying.  They say it is all in fun and that the victim is thin skinned and needs to toughen up and to learn to take it without being a wimp.  These people do not see or care that the person’s self-image is being reinforced as negative when teased or name-calling.  Is it just in fun when the victim is being degraded and starts to carry around a nickname that is not flattering and really not funny to the victim?

rp_Send_It_On.pngHas overreaction to bullying and teasing that is not funny led to creating safe places and even offering play therapy where persons can go and take part if the behavior of others upsets them even though it is the right of others to have differing opinions and to share them in public.  Now have we created wimps like these?

Taking responsibility in dangerous or difficult situations can create a type of toughness and self-pride that does the person well in future situations where they must take charge of things or do something difficult.rp_1753458_5bbf0fa664_m.jpg

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