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Things That Children Absolutely Need (Which Usually Cost Nothing)

Children are like African violets.  (A type of small very ticklish house plant which housewives of my mother’s generation raised.)  They are very sensitive in terms of their response to the environment in which they are planted.  Children were known to die in orphanages when they were physically taken care of but not emotionally taken care of.  Yet some people give more attention to the African violets in their life than to their children.

As each African violet is individual in its needs for light and air and moisture so is each child individual in his or her needs for attention, love, and support.  When this is neglected, the plant or child withers and dies inside if not outside like the plant.  The payoff of proper care can be great in either case.

Perhaps one can afford to lose many African violets in this process but not even one child.  Children can be resilient but still, can be greatly damaged and become of little use to themselves and furthermore to the society that child dwells in.

Moisture, light, and soil and the addition of fertiliser is needed for a violet to grow; but what is needed for a child to grow in the right direction?  Love, support, attention, and unconditional love appear to be necessary for this to happen.

Caregivers can not neglect one child while caring for another,  This has been shown to happen when a child has a seriously ill sibling.  This child needs attention and care too especially if this child gets neglected while the ill child gets urgently needed care.

The sibling does not need to be seriously physically ill to take attention and care away from another sibling.  Some children are more attractive to one or both of the parents than other children. How important is it for a parent to have an athlete or gymnast or beauty queen or a scholar over a wallflower, a geek, or any child who is not particularly gifted or attractive

Worse yet are parents who really shouldn’t have any children (P.S. I am not opting for abortion, but I am a champion of adoption in these cases).  Sadly what welfare does sometimes does not necessarily encourage parents to be actively involved in bringing children up right.

Wealth is not necessarily the main factor in bringing children up right.  The things that are needed to do this often can’t be bought.  They often cost more time than money.  First is unconditional love which occurs when a person often gives another person love no matter what he or she does or says.

Children need support, not just physical support, but emotional support.  A child can do well at something, but this accomplishment might be ignored and/ or at least not supported emotionally by the family or guardian.  The child can say to themselves, “Oh, what’s the use?” if the effort that he or she puts into something is unnoticed and they receive little or no help with it on top of that!

Prize winning entries at the county fair can go unnoticed and wining or losing a coveted position on a team or in a play can also be ignored.  “You did what?, when said, demonstrates that at least part of a child’s life has gone unnoticed.  Worse yet, a child can be hurt or sick and this goes unnoticed until the child is in serious jeopardy.

Psychological needs that go unmet can cause great harm to some children.  Children that survive such circumstances can be very resilient but those who don’t are a drain on society and can be lost.  Too often the people who make these decisions are incompetent as well.  The judge in my family says that custody decisions in his court are given to the least competent to decide.

 

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Boundary Problems?

With what is going on in Europe now with boundary problems, it is getting more and more clear that having little or no boundaries makes them vulnerable to people who will take advantage of that.

taking-advice-badgeDo you feel that you are a pushover?  Why are you a pushover?  Is it because you want people to like you.  Can’t you think of a reason not to do it?

You think you are a good person and that others are good people too.  Not setting appropriate boundaries leaves you wide open to people who don’t think like you do.  It also leaves you wide open when you should be setting boundaries like with children and people who work under your supervision.  Are you the kind of parent or boss who often winds up picking up after their children and/or doing someone else’s work along with your own?rp_23219947_8c2cef7e59_m.jpg

How long can you do this type of thing without feeling angry?  “Read my lips” no more “nice” guy or girl.  You also lose people’s respect too.  I have grandchildren and I can tell who does and who does not set boundaries with the grandchildren by the children’s behavior.  You are courting chaos when you don’t do this.

Righteous anger?  Is that possible?  Is it polite?  When we continue to let people take advantage of us (and we know it) aren’t we lying?  Isn’t this a “sin?” of omission?  So this person or child takes advantage of us figuring we don’t really say what we mean.

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Whistling In The Dark?

rp_300px-TV_highquality.jpgSmall children not only have problems with object recognition in a dimly lit bedroom, they also in early childhood as young as two or three have good imaginations often telling adults that they see or hear something vividly that is only a figment of their very colorful imagination.  Combine the two and they were easily could see monsters in the dark which their parents then tell them aren’t real and that they should act as if they are not there and go to sleep.  What this really means is that they still “see” monsters but know they have to act as if they weren’t there.

When a child is in bed, they see things from a different perspective than the one they have when they are sitting up or moving around the room.  There is the psychological concept of object permanency which is used when a child is able to see an object such as a bottle from different angles and in different types of illumination and still know that it is a bottle and treat it like one.

Another difference is the rods in the retina pick up and transmit the effect of a black and white picture which is more blurry than that the  very sharp image that the cones give in brilliant color (which are in the center of the retina) in very bright light.  Yes, black and white images in photos and motion pictures are almost gone and “little” ones are probably not familiar with them.The-Sacred-Shadow-Header-1024x462Could this be the origin of fears of sleeping in the dark which are topped off by the parent telling them that what they see and what it looks like (how they perceive it) is wrong and their feelings about it are foolish and should be denied so that the parent (not necessarily the child) can relax and go back to sleep thinking that they have banished the monsters effectively and gotten the child to believe there are no monsters in his or her room when they have done no such thing.  What they really have done has made the situation more scarey because the child still believes there are monsters but his or her parents don’t believe it and now they can’t depend on their parents for help and must face the perceived danger alone and probably without a light to illuminate the dark and scarey corners.

Don’t make children deny their feelings, they don’t go away, they just stay out of sight.  They must be seen from the child’s point of view.  For example, mommy, daddy, there is the monster over there and there is his head, there are his eyes and there are his hands and he has claws sticking out.  See he is breathing.  Fuzzy images in the near dark do look like they might be moving or breathing.  It can happen also from a child’s changes in perspective.rp_3363953427_ba6fe42f32_m.jpg

Recently I have been conducting experiments of my own.  There is a night light on in our master bedroom and I often wake up very early in the morning while it is still dark outside and I see things in the shadows and they even seem to move or look unrecognizable especially my husband’s clothes hung on the bedpost or the covers pushed up in a pile at the end of the bed.  It seems very easy to not realize what I am really looking at and could easily identify in broad day light. I’ve seen a goblin with a shiny eyes and a big male pig laying there with two twitching ears.  I have even reached out to touch the apparition in order to satisfy myself as to what the image really is.

Living Through Your Children And Why It Is Bad For You As Well As For Them

How Realistic Are Your Expectations For Your Children?

How Realistic Are Your Expectations For Your Children?

It is not difficult to look around and see parents trying to live out their thwarted dreams through their children. In fact it is so frequent and so common that I can’t give some examples because they are so close to home. I have even done it myself trying to make up for my husband (he was a farmer and also ran a dairy) not doing “father-son things” with our son. I was a dramatic failure at most of those things. It was almost as if the “cosmos” knew what I was trying to do and was working against me. The stories are “funny” now but not when they happened. They could have made for a situation comedy.

 
Remember my recent post on this website, “Weeds Versus Flowers”. This gives some background for why this is a problem. I think we all have a purpose in this life and no one person’s purpose is exactly like another’s and no matter how much we admire a person and want to emulate them we can’t as our life experiences and inborn abilities are not exactly the same.

 
rp_Skills_Like_This_poster.pngI greatly admire Joyce Meyers; a Christian author and speaker; yet, I probably would not be happy doing exactly what she does and has done to get to where she is . I have learned that as a psychologist. I admired some of my professors. I thought I wanted to emulate them; but I found some of the work boring and unsatisfying and some of the theoretical thinking rather narrow minded. (Yes, I’ve always been very competitive.)

 
Then when I became acquainted with some of the great therapists, I felt doomed to fail because no matter how much I read and studied about them, I couldn’t get “it”, whatever it was they had. All along the way I (to some extent) ignored what I had to give and enjoyed doing and that I had had some experiences which taught me something which is where I am at today.  I once toilet trained a young boy by playing miniature basket ball with him in play therapy.

 

 

 

Personal Fulfillment Achieved Through Prayer

Personal Fulfillment Achieved Through Prayer

Back to the subject of raising children to fulfill their life purpose and to use their life experiences as learning experiences while also using their own inborn talents. Many parents did not get to do this themselves and have tried to make up for this by using their children to do this. Either they push experiences on them that are not appropriate for that particular child or they discover some natural talents that their children have and try to develop them so that they ( the parent) can bask in the limelight or reflected glory of their successful children.

 
You must nurture your child like the particular and special “flower” that they are requiring different amounts of “moisture”, “soil”, “sunshine”, and fertilizer from other plants. Even if they seem to be very similar to you as a child and seem to have the same gifts, no one is exactly the same. Check your DNA!
And you must also continue to nurture yourself as an adult and make sure you get what you need to thrive and be “YOU”. What do “empty nesters” do after their children are gone?  (Oops, I know, take care of their elderly parents. But that’s a topic for another post.)

Stay Involved, Don’t Opt Out

rp_Feelings.jpgSocial interaction is crucial to children learning language.  Watching a video or listening to an auditory version is not enough.  Are children becoming autistic because people in our world are becoming less and less involved?  What about a good old fashioned conversation or a satisfying read?  Being unable to interact with others is a very real problem and I can see the day when children have virtual play dates?  How removed from reality is this?  Will we all sit home and rely on clouds and the internet to keep us in touch?  Will the ethers be doing our talking?  It will no longer be necessary to read or write as computers will communicate for us just by talking and ultimately will thoughts and images not words be used to share ideas?

 rp_2269499855_31a018a8f6_m.jpg This just started out as a blog about how children need human contact to learn and ultimately to thrive.  Scarey isn’t it?  For example, someday people will not sign their names, not just because they did not learn cursive writing; but because reading and writing are no longer considered necessary.  We have done this since the dawn of the machine age and eliminating the human factor in creating things that we need and use.  Is it possible we are also eliminating the good vibrations that many skilled, dedicated craftsmen and craftswomen put into their work.

Flowers Versus Weeds. How Were You Raised? What Are You Raising?

rp_8150559597_f6b72c73b6_m.jpgIt all depends on your point of view.
The problem is that in your garden you may have been taught to see certain plants as weeds and which should be “weeded” out and others as flowers which should be cultivated.  Many people when they plant their gardens expect to get flowers but the truth is that when you plant a seed, you may get not get what you expected which is someone like you and you don’t know how to cultivate them.  How do you handle this mystery seed as a disappointment or as a wonderful new discovery  if you got what you were hoping for.  Why take it out on the plant, because you have to learn new cultivating  techniques and, for example, provide different amounts of water, different amounts of sunshine or shade, and different kinds and amounts of plant food as well as protection from different types of insect infestation.  Some require  more space than others or grow taller and block the sun getting to other plants and/or your view of them.  You can look on this as a pleasant surprise or as a serious disappointment and/or you might learn new things about growing different “plants”.

rp_300px-Drill.jpgThe famous Kennedy family had their developmentally disabled daughter unsuccessfully operated on to deal with her unconventional behavior and then institutionalized her because they couldn’t cope with her unfortunate behavior changes after surgery and her perceived inability to benefit (they thought) no longer from family life with the other children.  Could she who was seen as an unfortunate weed that needed to be changed been raised successfully (at least for her if not for them) in the in the Kennedy family compound? They felt that they couldn’t cope with her behavior and poor ability to comprehend and benefit from what was going on around her.  It was an unfortunate decision and at the time, they didn’t know that the operation would not help her, but injury her further.

Did you get what you individually needed to grow and flourish as the flower that you actually  were or were you treated unfortunately as an unwanted weed? Also what were your parents considered to be by their parents, teachers, and even peers?  Flowers or weeds? and how were they raised? you-are-exactly-who-you-are-suppose-to-beTaking account of the differences as well as the similarities is important in raising your own off spring or the children you have contact with, students, nieces and nephews,  etc. .  Consider such happenings  as a pleasant  surprise and  as a splendid way to learn new things and see life from a different point of view and not as dealing with an unwanted pest and, at best, as at least an inconvenience to have such a child and set them the child up for the rest of his or her life to be seen as a failure or to be at the least second best when compared with a sibling or or siblings who might more meet your expectations and fit your style of dealing with life itself.

It Is All There

It is all there.  All you have to do is find it.  As we explore our world, we find out what we need to know.   The answer is within.

We are born with all the equipment we need to find out what we need to know.  But what are we told?  We are told, “Curiosity killed the cat.”  From birth, we are encouraged to accept the status quo.  We often discover that asking questions disturbs and flustrates our parents.

We are told that we should not question authority and are given standards to follow that our parents were usually taught when they were children.  “Why should you do it?  Because I told you so,” our parents tell us.

Lies My Parents Told Me

Lies My Parents Told Me (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We are born with many features that help us discover the world and make sense of it.  We rapidly master this and are soon able to make our own way in the world.  Is it true that we all come up with the same answers when we explore the world ourselves?  Of course not.

Certain experiences can lead us in the wrong direction.  Born to a pattern of emotional and/or physical abuse, people learn not to trust the world.  They are given the wrong impression of themselves.  They may think that they deserve to be treated this way or that.

This world and its existence defies a simple explanation.   Depending on a person’s ability to comprehend abstract concepts, to view things from different perspectives, and to develop a complex understanding of existence, a person may or not be able to deal with life without angst.

However, angst can be a motivating force.  Because of the experience of angst a person may not be able to live happily in the world as they understand it to be.  This may cause them to change their minds and conceive of the world, its existence, and its meaning in a different way.

Pardon me, I don’t mean that everything or anything that your parents have told you is a lie.  But at some point you may come to the conclusion for yourself that some or all of what they told you was right.

 

 

 

 

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Don’t Pay Attention To Labels

 

"Old age (?)" - Unknown Painter from...

“Old age (?)” – Unknown Painter from the Low Countries (16th century) (Photo credit: Tilemahos Efthimiadis)

Don’t pay attention to labels given you by virtue of age, sex, ethnic or cultural background.  Discern for yourself whether you fit them or not or even if you ought to consider them or not.  Labeling of seniors often can become a self -fulfilling prophecy for them.  They think, “I am over 65 so I ought to …..”  How often do they give up or let go when they reach a certain milestone.  For my girl friend’s father, it was when he reached fifty.  I heard him say that he was old when he became 50.  Now 50 is the new 30 and 70 is the new 50????

 

Las Vegas Night

Las Vegas Night (Photo credit: Photo Dean)

I don’t usually promote seeing any movies, but I am curious about LastVegas which is coming out with a lot of older, but good, actors in  it.  I believe its main theme is disproving the myths of old age promoted by society and offered to them by younger experts of their situations.  What a way to go!

 

We can transition (my word for dying) at anytime and we are lucky that it didn’t happen sooner and you know it will happen (in your case) later.  Your attitude determines your altitude.  Maybe you have been too busy to think about life and your position in it what with working and often raising a family.  You are not your career, your husband or wife, or glowing reflections of your children’s achievements.  You are you and determine to a large part who you are, what you like or need to do, and what you believe in.

deathisatransition

Stereotypes abound!  Don’t be one of them.  Of course, don’t ignore reality when it hits you in the face, make preparations for the future, but live your life now.

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Happy Child, Happy World! The Happy Dance

child-wedding-mainHappy child,  happy world!  Children are naturally happy.  Don’t rain on their parade.  Joking or teasing just to see how flustered and upset a child can get is as a certain toddler would say, “Not nice!”

Keeping children out of certain places just to please certain adults is also “not nice.”  The noise and the possible mess generated by children can be the price to play for their exuberant company.

Attitudes are contagious.  Bad attitudes are contagious in a bad way.  Some people are just “no fun” to be around and yet, we don’t necessarily bar themfrom joyous occassions.  Yet, they can be wet blankets.  When considering including children in the mix of social occassions, don’t let these adult wet blankets spoil your occassion if you are considering not including children only for this reason only.

Children are naturally happy and playful until they come in contact with some adults who don’t appreciate the natural spontinety of children.  These people often legislate to keep children out of places where they the adults congregate.  I agree with this when such a place is no fun for children.

However, maybe we should spread joy and happiness and encourage the presence of children at certain happy occasions like weddings.  I have seen children attending these joyous occasions getting into the spirit of what the day is all about.  This makes it truly a family occasion and the good spirits of children (not necessarily alcohol spirits) can be contagious.  Children love to dance; but it is usually not ballroom dancing;but it might   hip hop or break dancing.

Some of the best wedding receptions I have attended have been where children were present.  I am not crazy.  I know s sometimes babies are happier in quiet surroundings and can voice their displeasure loudly and disrupt things at a ceremony or reception.  Also children can reach their limit earlier than adults and can become cranky and not the life of the party.  This is true in all of life!  Children can be the natural seasoning of the mix of a good time and a family occasion.  A good time can be had by all.  .

Adults who don’t like children around them are no fun and when there are such people around, it is no fun for the children also.  Joy comes from inside you and when you depend on controlling the things that happen outside you to be happy, you are often no fun for yourself or others.  As the song says, “Let it be; let it be.”

Yes, it might stop adults from drinking as much and “ruining their good time”; but children are an example of how you can have a good time without alcohol.  No, I am not a tee totaler, but I have an occasional drink when I am not driving.  There is alcohol in my house when I want it (which is not often).  Just like I don’t drink and drive; I also don’t watch children and imbibe.  Why spoil your fun?  It is your decision if you are over twenty one and whichever decision you make, make it the right one.  Not all people like to be around children all the time.happy dance

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Your Own Bragging Rights

achievementself-loveDo you have your own bragging rights?  I’ve been afraid to have them.  The higher up you go, the farther you can fall.  That’s what I have always been told.  “The meek will inherit the earth,” is another one.  How about, “Be all you can be-in the Army.”  If we all live up to our God-given or inborn potential, will there be anything left for anybody else?  Potentially we can be or do almost everything if we want to.  We may not have the time in this lifetime to do it all.  But I would love to be able to pick and choose.  Parents say they want their children to do it better and have it better than they have.  But aren’t you the parent just a little bit jealous of your own child when this actually happens?

Sometimes the only bragging rights parents have are about their children and grandchildren.  Could it be like second hand smoke?  Everywhere around you and you can’t help breathing it in; but it does you no good.  Parents sometimes work themselves to death in order for their kids to have it better than they did and often the children do not appreciate what has been done for them.  Part of the problem has been that very rarely does the child want to do or have the exact same thing that the parent wants.  Do it yourself, don’t put everything off or postpone starting your life til after the children are gone.  Especially if you have done a lot for your kids, they may still be depending on you when they should be out on their own or worst yet, they expect you to do the exact same thing as you did for them for their kids.  Too much is too much and enough is enough.

Alright already.  Do your children make plans and share confidences that don’t include you?  You know they are having a good time; but you aren’t.  Are you missing out on something?  Create your own experiences, celebrate your own successes, develop your own tastes and appetite for adventure and success as you see it.  Develop your own bragging rights for things that you have or are doing that promote you.  Maybe it is not so bad to search for and find your own purpose in life or thrive on your own accomplishments.

Not only should you do something well, you should want to shine at it and you should try to do it better than even you expected.  Start now.  Don’t wait for an empty nest (or even to be widowed) or it may be too late then.  Exercise your bragging rights now especially to yourself by saying all those things you would like to hear.  Compliments are made, not born, and may not come easily when applied to oneself.  If we fear success and don’t even dare hope that we will do something spectacular, we leave room for others to do what we could do for ourselves.  Wives and mothers, do you wait til everyone else’s needs are to take any or do you not assert yourself because, it didn’t matter anyway and it keeps the peace.

Who are you?  Have you forgotten?  Have you discovered your hidden talents or have not done anything with them because you don’t think you are worth it? or don’t really have any talent as compared to other people you know who have done it?

The most highly defended is the greatest asset.  That’s why Rocket Risks (Motor Mouth Publishing) are worth it.
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