Children are like African violets. (A type of small very ticklish house plant which housewives of my mother’s generation raised.) They are very sensitive in terms of their response to the environment in which they are planted. Children were known to die in orphanages when they were physically taken care of but not emotionally taken care of. Yet some people give more attention to the African violets in their life than to their children.
As each African violet is individual in its needs for light and air and moisture so is each child individual in his or her needs for attention, love, and support. When this is neglected, the plant or child withers and dies inside if not outside like the plant. The payoff of proper care can be great in either case.
Perhaps one can afford to lose many African violets in this process but not even one child. Children can be resilient but still, can be greatly damaged and become of little use to themselves and furthermore to the society that child dwells in.
Moisture, light, and soil and the addition of fertiliser is needed for a violet to grow; but what is needed for a child to grow in the right direction? Love, support, attention, and unconditional love appear to be necessary for this to happen.
Caregivers can not neglect one child while caring for another, This has been shown to happen when a child has a seriously ill sibling. This child needs attention and care too especially if this child gets neglected while the ill child gets urgently needed care.
The sibling does not need to be seriously physically ill to take attention and care away from another sibling. Some children are more attractive to one or both of the parents than other children. How important is it for a parent to have an athlete or gymnast or beauty queen or a scholar over a wallflower, a geek, or any child who is not particularly gifted or attractive
Worse yet are parents who really shouldn’t have any children (P.S. I am not opting for abortion, but I am a champion of adoption in these cases). Sadly what welfare does sometimes does not necessarily encourage parents to be actively involved in bringing children up right.
Wealth is not necessarily the main factor in bringing children up right. The things that are needed to do this often can’t be bought. They often cost more time than money. First is unconditional love which occurs when a person often gives another person love no matter what he or she does or says.
Children need support, not just physical support, but emotional support. A child can do well at something, but this accomplishment might be ignored and/ or at least not supported emotionally by the family or guardian. The child can say to themselves, “Oh, what’s the use?” if the effort that he or she puts into something is unnoticed and they receive little or no help with it on top of that!
Prize winning entries at the county fair can go unnoticed and wining or losing a coveted position on a team or in a play can also be ignored. “You did what?, when said, demonstrates that at least part of a child’s life has gone unnoticed. Worse yet, a child can be hurt or sick and this goes unnoticed until the child is in serious jeopardy.
Psychological needs that go unmet can cause great harm to some children. Children that survive such circumstances can be very resilient but those who don’t are a drain on society and can be lost. Too often the people who make these decisions are incompetent as well. The judge in my family says that custody decisions in his court are given to the least competent to decide.
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First shack ups, now hookups, distancing ourselves, avoiding any real connections. How can you lose someone when you never really had them? Avoiding feeling close to someone with whom you perform an intimate act seems to be worse than two people moving in together without any commitment.
Hookups seem like pornography. How can you mechanically have sex without caring about the other person or feeling close to him or her and have a real life emotional experience? Sex without responsibility still has consequences. Sexual diseases and pregnancies can be the unwanted consequences.
Society seems to want to have life without any responsibilities, any form of commitment. Respect, honor, responsibility all seem to be avoided in this way. Yet these are the things that make life real. With these things come pain, courage, glory, and honor. These real experiences help us learn how to cope with life especially when we experience a loss possibly through no fault of our own.
My best learning experiences often occurred when I thought I was going to fail and initially did not know what to do next. I had to do something out of the box in order to get out of the box. I had to give some of myself, something that I didn’t know I had, and risk failure and disappointment. For me, being intelligent could not always ensure I could win the competition.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained?
The witches (at least the bad ones) have gone and people don’t worry about curses being put upon them anymore or do they? When people put you down to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves above you, are they really putting a curse on you especially if you or those around you tend to believe them? The power in a curse is usually the strength that of the belief that the victim has in them.
Also, can putdowns be a form of domestic abuse? Yes, a person can be emotionally as well as physically abused leaving them browbeaten and powerless. Have you ever known a person who doesn’t ever seem to have something good to say about a family member and worse yet, other family members start to do it too.
Doing it to children is a heinous offense. They often do not have a way of knowing that it is not true and they believe it. Other family members, especially other children, will start to do it too. “Monkey see; monkey do” Also siblings seeing it done to a fellow sibling might think that they might be next so they keep the spotlight on their sibling’s faults and deficiencies.
It is not a good joke if the person who is the object of the joke doesn’t laugh at it too. When this happens to children, they are often reduced to tears. The perpetrators say they don’t know why the object of the joke doesn’t think it is funny and they label him or her a “bad sport.”
The Bible warns against condemning others, but it also tells you not to condemn yourself. We create so many problems when we start having so many expectations for ourselves, things that we have to live up too. Do we bully ourselves? Do we criticize ourselves before somebody else, including God, does it to us? Then when we err we don’t give ourselves any slack. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We judge ourselves before somebody else can judge us. Of what use is self-condemnation and judgments from others?
Sometimes our conscience is too well-developed. We do this to avoid judgments from others. Maybe we stop and look in the mirror before we go out so that no one can surprise us with an unfavorable remark. Compliments are often few and far between even those they may be deserved. Sometimes when someone says nothing it is as close to a compliment as we can get.
We need warm fuzzies, not cold pricklies. I guess the latter at least reassure us we have been noticed. Have you ever felt that you might be invisible when everybody in the room at a party are busy talking to each other and they don’t seem to notice that you are there?
Do you show affection or is it awkward and uncomfortable if you do or someone else does it to you. It has a lot to do with your upbringing. My family background is German and there were few displays of affection while I was growing up and it remains awkward for me to do this even today.
I have said, “Love you,” to some of my family members whom I truly love and they were shocked and didn’t know what to say. I once tried to give my ailing father a hug and he froze. Anger was easier to express in my family than affection.
Physical contact is an important part of showing affection. We all need to be touched whether it is a back rub or physical contact like curling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone.
There is a story about “warm fuzzies and cold pricklies” that illustrates that people need love and affection and can die without out it. Due to an old witch, people got the idea that the amount of warm fuzzies that a person can give is limited and they were encouraged to use cold pricklies provided by the witch.
In my family anger and criticisms were the cold pricklies that kept me alive. Disappointment was sometimes used too. The warm fuzzies were few and far between and they didn’t feel very warm. They mostly were given at a distance as when I would show my Dad my new dress.
Massages of hands and feet can heal certain parts of the body according to Reflexology, Hands are convenient to use as it doesn’t require removing any clothing. Holding each others hands in a group as we pray or meditate or visualize something and the arms can be stretched out to put some space between people as they do this.
Could this affect someone’s sex life. Very definitely so. With all the bands on physical touching in most places, people don’t get much chance to bond this way or offer support and reassurance this way. Sexual relations can be life getting to those involved; but not if it is,”Wham Bang; Thank
Pets often get more love and affection than the human family members and they know how to get it. If love and affection are not encouraged when one is a child how can he or she display these things as an adult?
When I went to Sedona, I had the most beautiful massagre and I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable although I was undressed under a sheet. I was not embarrassed when she touched me intimately in parts that I never had been caressed before.
Do you know that boys especially when they start to mature are considered too old for sissy things like displaying or receiving love and affection. It is amazing that because of things like this, that we don’t wither on the vine.
I just talked about fear and the biggest fear is of fear itself. If we don’t talk about things until one of us, either partner gets mad, then it is hard to overlook how bad it makes us feel and deal with the issues themselves.
I don’t know about you but my very sense of security can be threatened. It got this way in my first marriage and maybe if we had the fights that we did when we were divorcing all along, the marriage could have been better.
Not trusting your partner is very destructive in a relationship; especially not trusting them to make a fair compromise and to not penalize you for bringing something up that needs to be dealt with.
When feelings aren’t wrong in therapy and might be a warning sign:
As a therapist, I have been in psychotherapy working on my own issues.
It seems that the first thing a therapist might say is trust me, I only want to help you.
So you entrust your soul to a therapist you don’t know who you think has the appropriate credentials to help you solve your problems but who in the end only creates more problems for you.
Sounds complicated, doesn’t it?
Here is my story:
The details are fuzzy but they often are when dealing with sexual abuse. One of the first things this therapist told me was that he found me sexually attractive and this made me feel uncomfortable; but he reassured me that I shouldn’t feel that way as it was a compliment.
Months later, maybe even a year later. I came back to see this therapist at his invitation to let him know how I was doing after I had completed therapy with him.
I opened the door to his office and saw him lying on the floor with some pillows around him and he said,”Come here. Let me touch you.” I don’t remember the rest of what happened. I was at the very least surprised and disconcerted by his proposition.
I don’t remember the rest of what happened. The details are fuzzy and any attempts I have made to create a time line has been even more confusing. It took years for me to remember this and by then it was too late to do anything about it.
What is appropriate and what is inappropriate in therapy?
Common sense would tell you that touching, especially titilating touches, are not appropriate either during or after therapy while the client still relates to the therapist in the therapist role.
Sexual abuse victims are extremely vulnerable to this kind of thing and the practitioner’s code is “Above all else do no harm”.
Do you see how this orientation on the therapist’s part could have rended most of the therapy ineffective? maybe even harmful to me?
Therapist’s have a big responsibility and they must constantly monitor their feelings towards a client and seek supervision if they are unsure about this.
Clients place a big burden on the therapist and there has been a code of ethics created for him or her to follow in their relationships with a client. It would seem to be easy to do this if the therapist has common sense and a personal code of conduct not only as a therapist but also as a human being.
The biggest trap is transference in the therapist-client reationship. This happens when either the therapist or the client perceives the other person in the relationship as being like someone from their past and acting toward that person like he or she would with this figure.
Therapists should be trained to avoid this trap and to use this information about their own possible transference to promote healing in the client versus letting it happen on their part and disrupting and corrupting the relationship.
Love and lack of love are motivating factors in this life. Can we do without love and if we do, can it result in a life of overwhelming depression, sorrow, hate, and terror. Children in orphanages in the past died of mirasmus or lack of love even when their basic needs were met and there was no time or place for love and affection once these were accomplished.
How can you give love when you don’t know how to receive it. Basically everyone wants to be loved even if they don’t know it. Giving love to oneself and others is one of the most basic tasks in life and yet it is often the least rewarded by sources outside the self.
It is the most rewarding thing to do personally and a smile, a loving glance, a simple compliment can be given without expectation of reward or recognition. For one example, children passed lovingly from lap to lap in a family gathering and held so closely that one might not know which child actually belongs to which loving family member unless one knew the families present.
Resentment, abuse, doing without the basic necessities of life while others take more than their share and often even waste much of it. A commune type of life style or living in or near a close family constellation can promote the idea of sharing and generosity and teach that making others happy is just as rewarding as selfish motives could ever be.
Warm fuzzies and cold prickles are the invention of a witch in a story by Claude Steiner who can’t sell her potions and spells when people were able to give warm fuzzies freely away and there was always more of them left to share after some of them were given away. She then spreads the word that that isn’t true and people only have a limited number of warm fuzzies to use themselves and to give to others. Then she is able to sell cold pricklies which feel like warm fuzzies initially but quickly turn into something that requires that the person needs more which the witch happily sells at a price.
The warm fuzzies were always free and people were generous with them because they never ran out. The witch, however, told the people that they should save the warm fuzzies and give fake warm fuzzies (or cold prickles) which she manufactured and sold because people only had a finite number of warm fuzzies and should save them for themselves and immediate friends and family members. Read the story on the web as it has a happy ending when someone exposes the lies that the witch told in order to increase her business.
Why shoudn’t you be generous with your love? You can start it by just thinking, “I love you,” when you see or think of someone. If you get braver you might say, “I love you”, outloud as someone leaves instead of just saying, “Goodbye.” You could say it to yourself as you look in the mirror. The more you do it the easier it becomes and you might start to benefit from the good vibrations that this generates in others. Oh sure there are people who are so far into being negative that this doesn’t work with them; but don’t let that stop you because many other people will respond positively.
Small children not only have problems with object recognition in a dimly lit bedroom, they also in early childhood as young as two or three have good imaginations often telling adults that they see or hear something vividly that is only a figment of their very colorful imagination. Combine the two and they were easily could see monsters in the dark which their parents then tell them aren’t real and that they should act as if they are not there and go to sleep. What this really means is that they still “see” monsters but know they have to act as if they weren’t there.
When a child is in bed, they see things from a different perspective than the one they have when they are sitting up or moving around the room. There is the psychological concept of object permanency which is used when a child is able to see an object such as a bottle from different angles and in different types of illumination and still know that it is a bottle and treat it like one.
Another difference is the rods in the retina pick up and transmit the effect of a black and white picture which is more blurry than that the very sharp image that the cones give in brilliant color (which are in the center of the retina) in very bright light. Yes, black and white images in photos and motion pictures are almost gone and “little” ones are probably not familiar with them.Could this be the origin of fears of sleeping in the dark which are topped off by the parent telling them that what they see and what it looks like (how they perceive it) is wrong and their feelings about it are foolish and should be denied so that the parent (not necessarily the child) can relax and go back to sleep thinking that they have banished the monsters effectively and gotten the child to believe there are no monsters in his or her room when they have done no such thing. What they really have done has made the situation more scarey because the child still believes there are monsters but his or her parents don’t believe it and now they can’t depend on their parents for help and must face the perceived danger alone and probably without a light to illuminate the dark and scarey corners.
Don’t make children deny their feelings, they don’t go away, they just stay out of sight. They must be seen from the child’s point of view. For example, mommy, daddy, there is the monster over there and there is his head, there are his eyes and there are his hands and he has claws sticking out. See he is breathing. Fuzzy images in the near dark do look like they might be moving or breathing. It can happen also from a child’s changes in perspective.
Recently I have been conducting experiments of my own. There is a night light on in our master bedroom and I often wake up very early in the morning while it is still dark outside and I see things in the shadows and they even seem to move or look unrecognizable especially my husband’s clothes hung on the bedpost or the covers pushed up in a pile at the end of the bed. It seems very easy to not realize what I am really looking at and could easily identify in broad day light. I’ve seen a goblin with a shiny eyes and a big male pig laying there with two twitching ears. I have even reached out to touch the apparition in order to satisfy myself as to what the image really is.
If you smile with your eyes, you are not telling lies. What do you think? We have been trained to give a false smile if we want to be polite or to not offend somebody or to not be seen as unfriendly. Most people smile just with their mouths when they do this. Do you smile with your whole face? Do you just “beam” when you do this?
Many of us practice denial most of the time and say we are happy or not mad when we really aren’t. How do we get trained to do this? I see many people with unhappy, sad, or “down in the mouth” looks on their faces and when i “call them on it” they deny it. Who are they fooling? or do they really think that they are not showing their real feelings?
Children are great “truth” tellers and objective observers until they learn how to be polite and lie about what they feel, see, or think. How often are you congruent? That is how often does your facial expression or body posture match the content of what you say you are feeling inside or how you feel about someone else or something else?
How often do we really look into someone one’s eyes and see what is actually there. From early on in childhood, we camouflage genuine feelings in ourselves and even punish others, especially children, for saying or acting like what they really feel.
An animated face conveys interest in someone or something and verifies what the person is saying with their voice. How often do we call people on it when they don’t do this even though they say that they really feel involved and interested?
Once you give up this pretense of being polite and telling white lies, people often think you are acting childishly and not like a grown up when you actually have grown up and are now dealing with reality.