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Centerpointe Research

failure

Why People Can’t Change

Why people can’t change:

1.  They would have to admit they were wrong about something.

2.  They might have to make some other changes too.

3.  It would take too much time.

4.  They are waiting for somebody else to change first.

5.  They would have to admit that they wasted time or money doing the wrong thing.

6.  They might have to admit that somebody else was right and they were wrong or too much pride and too much emphasis on winning some type of competition.

7.  Having to be always right even if it kills you.

Why they should change:

1.  To stop putting money down a rat hole.

2.  To become an example for somebody else.

3.  To stop wasting time defending why they can’t change.

4.  To save more  time and money after investing some current time and money making a change.

5.  To stop having to hide some deficiency from others.

6.  To learn something new.

In the long run there are great benefits:  For example, learning to drive as an adult.  Erased my dependency on others.  Gave me freedom.

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The Need For Security Comes From Within

Women, men? Does the need for security control your life?  Are you afraid to fight with someone because it might end your relationship with them?  Women, people who put you down, often the man in your life, often win a potential conflict with the first blow.  If he or she is mad at me, it is all over.  It is very convenient to make a complaint or even make an angry comment when asking about something you don’t like or understand.

Anxiety and fFear

Conflict seems to be more natural for men.  They can almost fight one minute and be friends the next.  It can get pretty brutal one day and the next they are back to being the best of buds.  Many women are different making a denigrating comment to another woman can end a relationship forever.  So how does a woman react when someone puts them down.  If they are depending on the relationship for support and security, they go into emergency crisis mode and/or feel “knocked up beside the head” by someone they thought loved and appreciated them.

Women can take a lot of negative comments from a man in a relationship often things the man forgets about as it wasn’t that serious to him or the man didn’t even realize the woman took it seriously or so hard.  Men are constantly jousting, jockeying for position, and they don’t even think that seeing things ( from this perspective) that it was taken seriously.

Should You Judge A Book By Its Cover? What Do You Think Is More Important? Looks? Or Personality??

Drp_300px-Kohlberg_moral_stages_vop.gifo you realize we learn to like certain skin colors, hair types, body shapes, heights, and to discriminate between them.  To me, my mommy was beautiful and my grandmas were a “sight for my sore eyes,”  although they were older and heavier than my mother.  My BFF, who I met in first grade, was not judged by me on the basis of her physical size but on how much fun we had when we were together.  I had a cousin the same age as I was and I often got hand me downs from her as she (although my age) was “bigger” than me.  We have to be taught to see these differences as significant.  The standards of beauty and handsomeness can vary quite strikingly from culture to culture and have you looked at wedding pictures and seen that there is a man for every woman and a woman for every man.

I was having a discussion with my daughter-in-law and discovered that an actress that I considered to be no beauty was considered very attractive by my daughter-in-law.  Also men and women focus on different parts of the anatomy when they try to decide if a woman is beautiful and/or and a man is a potential  “chick magnet.”  Haven’t you ever heard a discussion about what physically attracts a man to a woman: her boobs, her butt, her legs, her hair color, or whatever.

Remember the saying, “Men don’t make passes at women who wear glasses.”  Doesn’t seem to face-partsmatter now.  It used to be what attracted a woman to a man was his profession or his ability to be able to support her in the style she was or would like to become accustomed to.   At mid-life or latter some men look for a younger woman sometimes even young enough to be their daughter.  Then there women who are “cougars” and seek younger men.  Ever hear the terms, “sugar daddy”or “trophy wife”?

There is one particular cable news channel that is often on at my house and one of the recurring “experts” I became acquainted with was so ugly, I didn’t like to look at him; however he was very knowledgeable and had a very credible life history to support his road to being this “expert.”  All of a sudden one day as I was listening to him, I realized he no longer was bad looking to me.  His looks didn’t change but my attitude toward them had.

rp_5798468679_59ea50286a_m.jpgI came to realize that I had been selling other people short when I concentrated on their looks instead of their personality, knowledge, and abilities.  I also I noticed I was selling myself short too when I dressed to impress and probably could not afford it instead of wearing something flattering and comfortable so I could be comfortable being me.  I don’t mean that looks don’t count.  You can go too far in this direction to the point of being offensive.

I had planned to post on the fact that the cable news channel had only impossibly beautiful women in at least distracting (if not very conservative) clothes, dangerously high heels, high maintenance hairstyles, and glamorous makeup that required that these women show up early for work in order to attain this look.  Also of course, the men who had the same jobs were often not necessarily tall, athletic, and youthful and wore more comfortable, less revealing, clothes.  I then realized I was judging these women on how they looked but in a negative way.  They didn’t deserve that either.  They invested a lot of time and money into looking the way they did and should not be judged for trying so hard.

Conversation Stopper: People Are Rude Because Other People Are Too Polite To Call Them On It

Arp_300px-Kohlberg_moral_stages_vop.gifre some people rude and obnoxious because they count on other people to be polite?  Also do some people lie because other people won’t correct them for fear of being rude themselves?  Some people say hurtful and insulting things because they don’t expect other people to call them on it.  They will also tell lies because other people will often give them the benefit of the doubt or don’t want to start an argument.

What is often true is that the other person is uncouth and often cruel because they can get away with it.  It is sometimes even extremely obvious that they are doing this but they think that no one will say anything and they usually don’t.  Doing so often accounts for a period of stunned silence from the audience members with it being so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

For example, I once entered the room where a large family gathering was already going on and rp_300px-Determinants_of_Forgiveness_Graphic.JPGeverybody looked to see who was coming in.  The rude person in a loud voice asked, “Who cut your hair?”  It was obvious that person was being critical of the way I looked.  It had already been a long day for me and I replied, “Well, who asked you?” in front of the whole group.  This was met by stunned silence not just at the initial comment that had been made but at my reply.  I felt it had been very appropriate considering that this person made a game of doing such things.

rp_7510823738_6616ac3a63_m.jpgSometimes the only way you can handle such comments is by being rude, obnoxious, and impolite in return.  Such cruel people love to embarrass people and often do this when they have a crowd for an audience.  People who are crude this way often may unconsciously worry that they might have the same problem that they are pointing out in somebody else but we usually don’t call them on it.

Comparing Yourself To Others

How often when you hear about some other person , do you enter into a self made competition with them?  Why do we always have to be better than or, worse yet, worse than somebody else.  Often when I hear good news about somebody else I automatically enter myself into competition with them.  I hear it is wonderful “so and so” lost so much weight and I think that is more weight than I have lost recently and it’s a “downer”.  I wonder if this person now weighs less than I do.  It is a matter of winning  or losing.  Maybe  I originally wasn’t  even thinking about losing weight but  now I am.  Who turned someone else’s accomplishment into a competition?  I did.

rp_7297340494_bbd50a8706_m.jpgYou are reading the Alumni news from your school and you realize you have gotten no where in life when you compare yourself to other people in your class or to all those who also had the same major as you.  Does your heart race or do you gasp for breath when you realize there is a competition going on and you might be losing.  How about when it looks like you are winning.  Who are you happy for the person whose good news you are reading about or yourself if you have done better than that person?

What is more important the goal or the process.  Should you feel that if you have not published a number of books in your life time, you have not been successful,  or is it more important that you enjoyed writing the book and you were writing about something that you felt was important.

This is not always true in other countries where what you do is considered part of a group effort and the group’s goals are more important than the individual’s.  It is your contribution to that not your individual achievement of a personal goal that is important.

Worrying about how I am doing and comparing my accomplishments against some kind of scale can take the enjoyment out of life,  Back when I was a child, I remembering enjoying participating in a team sports even if I was not one of the best players and therefore, one of the first players picked .  There was always  an atmosphere of enthusiasm and excitement and a rush that continued after the game was over even if you didn’t win.

Competition can lead to creativity but I can remember getting so “high” doing a project that in the creation  of it that I lost rack of time and the need to satisfy the basic needs for such things as food and sleep.  I had no guarantee that I was going to win or fear that I was going to lose but I was inspired and so immersed in what I was doing that I forgot about anything else.

Being so competitive can lead to anxiety if you don’t always win at everything.  I used to have to win all the games at a bridal or baby shower. I had to have the only “A” in class.   I really wasn’t a good winner, let alone loser.

The “rush” to judgment I can still feel today if I don’t stop myself and ask myself why I am being so competitive.  Why can’t we all be the best that we can be still remembering that the end doesn’t always justify the means.. success-churchill-550x240

Consider children in a family, can the success of one to mean the failure of another?  Brains, beauty, physical abilities, is there only enough to go around for one person only in a family to be considered to have it.

Can there be only one daddy’s girl or mommy’s boy or grandpa or grandma’s favorite.  There is a shortage of something here.  Is there not enough admiration or love to go around?

Competition can sometimes lead to increased effort on the one hand and the other hand it can lead to decreased effort if there is not enough attention, pride, fame, and money to go around.  Have you ever given up at something because of this?  I didn’t realize until I got out of high school that beauty often comes from knowing what to wear and being able to do your hair and makeup and knowing you look good, and having the self confidence that comes from this.rp_KUWtK_titlecard.png

It also took lots of time and effort.  Creating the look, checking out what was in style, and finding it.  Also girls had power over one another in this area and those who were on top often stayed that way by making sure that other girls would lose their position at the top of the heap.

I found out that I could look good when for a special occasion I had my hair and makeup done and had on attractive, stylish clothes.  I also learned later in life that those girls who I thought had it made often were not as confident as I thought they were and often spent a lot of  time dieting, picking out  clothes, and doing their hair, makeup and nails to maintain their “look.”  Being constantly judged like this was stressful for them and they were not always as self-confident as I thought they were.

Fear Not There Is Nothing To Fear But….

Anxiety and Fear

Anxiety and Fear

Where do anxiety and fear come from?
They are a result of a person’s striving for survival.  Babies and young children are particularly vulnerable.  If their parents’ reject them, everything they need and come to expect in their life is threatened.  Parents are so busy telling children what to do, socializing them, and teaching them what to do that they neglect the child’s need for love and approval because they don’t want to spoil them.  Self assertion is seen as something children have to have drummed out of them if they are to become civilized.

We are anxious because we fear we will fail and as anybody knows, failure hurts and it eats at your very soul.  No matter how confident we are when we start out to do something, it only takes one dismal failure to stop us from trying again.  One dismal failure that you think you will never live down and you think that will effect your future forever.  All you have to do is believe that.

When you try again (and some of us never do), anxiety and fear will haunt you and eat at your self-confidence.  You don’t have to let it, but it is not easy to do.  In the excitement of getting a second chance, you let go of your worries and fly; but you soon will crash if you leave no allowance for the misgivings that will arise.  In today’s world, in this economy, many people are in this position.  Not having a job can make you unemployable.  This is impossible if you need to already have a job in order to get another one.

Dream the impossible dream and focus on what still might happen, the best possible outcome.  Is it that you’re not having had a job won’t matter because they are so interested in you and what you have to offer?  Don’t let the anxiety and fear that you naturally have in the situation keep you from getting the position and doing the best job you can.  You may not fail because you are a failure, but because you let it effect your self-confidence too much.

 

 

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Give Someone a Chance

Failure

Failure (Photo credit: awsandlight)

If a person tries to do something differently, make sure you don’t turn their attempt into a failure because you don’t want to be disappointed again and find it easier to expect and accept failure again.  Is it easier to expect failure and have it happen than it is to expect success and have a failure instead?  People can develop a negative attitude about other people and can make it difficult to impossible for that person to change.  Failures are easy to see while successes can be easy to miss if you have a prejudicial attitude.  Often initial attempts at changing behavior are hard to see and it can be seen as accepting too little to reward small, seemingly inept changes in a person’s behavior.   Initially it may be harder to be “good” than bad and the person’s knowledge of what constitutes  acceptable behavior is limited and may not meet many of the other person’s criteria.  In fact, it may even initially look more like unacceptable behavior than acceptable behavior.  For example, a husband’s idea of dressing appropriately to go out might consist of putting on clean clothes, i.e. khaki pants and a new tee shirt while the wife expects a dress shirt or a polo shirt and a sports  jacket or sweater.  The poor husband might get bawled out instead of praised for this attempt to dress appropriately.

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What Happened to Your Potential?

self-esteem, groups and hate

self-esteem, groups and hate (Photo credit: Will Lion)

Did you ignore it or did others ignore it?  The best thing you can do for a child is encourage them, to see the potential in them.  Who saw the potential in you?  Did you imagine that you were someone important?  Did you design dresses, play major league ball, preach a fiery sermon, save a person‘s life?  What, if any, limits did you put on your imagination?  You were only playing, but in fact you were practicing for real life.  Maybe there wasn’t anything you thought you couldn’t do.  Where are you now?  Are you always saying to yourself, “I can’t do this,” “I can’t do that.”  “I’m a failure in life.”  Have you lost your self-respect or others’ self-respect?

Whose comments limited you?  Your own or someone else’s? A person’s self-esteem can be fragile and may make it difficult when it comes to supporting and acknowledging other peoples’ strengths.  Parents can actually be jealous of their own children and not recognize their accomplishments.  They may be threatened by what their child can potentially do that they think they can’t do or they may feel ignorant and unable to even comprehend what it is that the child wants to do or can do.  The same can be true of teachers in school and later in a child’s life, it can be true of bosses, supervisors, competitors, coworkers, friends or spouses.

Lack of support can be in the form of nonrecognition of accomplishments or “friendly” “humorous” putdowns.  People say, “You can’t take a joke,” when you don’t think something said about you is funny and/or your feelings are hurt by something said about you.  When you do do something successfully, it doesn’t seem to count.  The person or persons involved might indicate that doing something well in that particular area is useless and not worthwhile.  How many men want their sons to be good at some sport or to enter a certain profession and are unhappy with them if they don’t do these things even if they can do something else of importance in the world.  Often the unfulfilled expectations of a parent when they were growing up are expected to be filled by their children.  Parents may decide knowingly or unknowingly to live their lives through their children.

Children are sometimes not at all like their parents nor should they all be expected to be.  Having a child sometimes may be like planting a seed or seeds from an unknown plant that will grow up to be something important in its own right if given the right conditions and care.  When you plant it, you don’t know what it is supposed to be a vegetable, animal feed, a flower, or something else.  One person’s weed is another person’s flower.  What a shame when a rose is seen as a weed and uprooted and thrown away.

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Success is Scarey

anxiety

anxiety (Photo credit: FlickrJunkie)

Did you ever feel anxious, nervous, and vaguely uneasy when you should have been excited and happy?  Have you ever felt that if you succeeded, you couldn’t live up to other people’s expectations?  Did you ever say to yourself,”I was just lucky that time.”  Have you been fearful of success?  It can be just as anxiety arousing as failure.

Sometimes we are not very sure of ourselves when we do something new.   We fear that by doing so we leave ourselves open to criticism and very vulnerable.  In our minds, one critical comment can outweigh dozens of complementary ones.  One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever heard is to surround yourself with people who help build you up when beginning a new venture as most of us need this reassurance from others at this critical time in the development of a new enterprise.

Growing up our parents often felt we needed a critical balance between being encouraged to try new things and to develop our talents and being given constructive criticism to help us stay more realistic about what we can do and to keep us from catastrophic failure.  However, how many times did Abraham Lincoln fail before he succeeded?  How many scientists try many, many different variations of different variables before they make an amazing scientific discovery?

If we succeed, will we be able to live up to other people’s expectations?  Were we just a flash in the pan?  Do people really only have one best-selling novel in them?  Making it in this world does not usually involve just achieving one thing and then resting on your laurels.

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