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Shamelessly Destroying Another Person’s Reputation

You learn so much more when you ask questions opposed to passing judgmentsDestroying a person’s reputation is easily done.  Destroying a person’s reputation for some people can be so much fun.  Destroying a person’s reputation when they don’t have first-hand information is a mistake many people make.

Even better fun is destroying a person’s reputation so badly that they can never live it down and it continues to build’s on itself like a meme leaving the person to spend the rest of their life in misery and finding solace in the all the wrong places especially drugs.

How proudly some people say about other people when they do this is that they can never live it down meaning what they allegedly have done.  Certain people when they say these deprecating things are so sure they are right that they never even think that they might be making a mistake.

Also, some stories involve two people (often a male and a female) and it appears unjust that often the female’s reputation is tarnished, but not the male’s, especially when other males are talking about the situation.  Then other females’ reputations become tarnished also if they associate with and/or defend the woman.

Judge and jury is what most people become when they gossip.  The person who is the focus of the gossip can never live it down.  Also being defamed hurts and can do personal and public damage to the person while the person doing the gossiping can walk away and possibly even totally forget what they said or did to the other person.

 

Does Therapy Come Too Late?

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgWhy didn’t we learn to help ourselves in school?  Where were the role models of good adjustment at home?  Parents are often as clueless as their children and are afraid to admit it when they didn’t also get the instruction at home or school.

There are self-help books for adults.  Where are they for children?  Do parents feel that it is to their advantage to have children who don’t know anymore than than they did when they were children?

rp_300px-TV_highquality.jpgDo children learn how to deal with life from video games, violent programs, or from the drama they see and/or experience at home.  Values, ideals, and spirituality are close to being forbidden in schools or anywhere in the public eye.  Wholesome shows have been replaced by shows with lots of drama providing bad examples of how to behave in relationships or deal with problems.

Practicing therapy can be a frustrating business especially when it comes after a person’s beliefs and problem-solving behaviors have become crystallized and so much a part of a person’s identity that they feel threatened when challenged to change.  It has a lot to do with how a person’s self-esteem is developed and the practices that they are taught to maintain it.  Lying, deceiving, and avoiding responsibility are often used by someone when a person is afraid of being criticized and ultimately rejected.rp_Anxiety.gif

What results is a fear of change and a learned helplessness instead of developing helpful problem-solving skills and a desire to change for the sake of doing better.  We are evolving individuals and making mistakes and changing what we do or think is part of the process.  I once wrote a story or a poem about “Old King Never Ever Wrong”.

Stories are to teach and not just to amuse or vent rage.  Before most people could read or write stories were a way of teaching things and were passed down orally from generation to generation in order to do this.  What about the parables Jesus told in the Bible?  What about the Bible stories that are still taught in Sunday school or church?

Flowers Versus Weeds. How Were You Raised? What Are You Raising?

rp_8150559597_f6b72c73b6_m.jpgIt all depends on your point of view.
The problem is that in your garden you may have been taught to see certain plants as weeds and which should be “weeded” out and others as flowers which should be cultivated.  Many people when they plant their gardens expect to get flowers but the truth is that when you plant a seed, you may get not get what you expected which is someone like you and you don’t know how to cultivate them.  How do you handle this mystery seed as a disappointment or as a wonderful new discovery  if you got what you were hoping for.  Why take it out on the plant, because you have to learn new cultivating  techniques and, for example, provide different amounts of water, different amounts of sunshine or shade, and different kinds and amounts of plant food as well as protection from different types of insect infestation.  Some require  more space than others or grow taller and block the sun getting to other plants and/or your view of them.  You can look on this as a pleasant surprise or as a serious disappointment and/or you might learn new things about growing different “plants”.

rp_300px-Drill.jpgThe famous Kennedy family had their developmentally disabled daughter unsuccessfully operated on to deal with her unconventional behavior and then institutionalized her because they couldn’t cope with her unfortunate behavior changes after surgery and her perceived inability to benefit (they thought) no longer from family life with the other children.  Could she who was seen as an unfortunate weed that needed to be changed been raised successfully (at least for her if not for them) in the in the Kennedy family compound? They felt that they couldn’t cope with her behavior and poor ability to comprehend and benefit from what was going on around her.  It was an unfortunate decision and at the time, they didn’t know that the operation would not help her, but injury her further.

Did you get what you individually needed to grow and flourish as the flower that you actually  were or were you treated unfortunately as an unwanted weed? Also what were your parents considered to be by their parents, teachers, and even peers?  Flowers or weeds? and how were they raised? you-are-exactly-who-you-are-suppose-to-beTaking account of the differences as well as the similarities is important in raising your own off spring or the children you have contact with, students, nieces and nephews,  etc. .  Consider such happenings  as a pleasant  surprise and  as a splendid way to learn new things and see life from a different point of view and not as dealing with an unwanted pest and, at best, as at least an inconvenience to have such a child and set them the child up for the rest of his or her life to be seen as a failure or to be at the least second best when compared with a sibling or or siblings who might more meet your expectations and fit your style of dealing with life itself.

Decision-Making Time

myopia

myopia (Photo credit: haglundc)

Adolescence is decision-making time for many.  These decisions might effect a person’s whole life.  Have you ever felt that you couldn’t take back something that you have said or done.

There is sometimes a cockiness to adolescence which gives them the power to make judgments, not only for themselves, but others as well, usually their parents or anyone whom they do not really understand.

What preparation do adolescents have for these often very enduring decisions?  “Do what I say; don’t do what I do,” some folks seem to imply when disciplining their adolescents.  Adolescents can be near-sighted and see things only from their own point of view.  They are quick to see the faults of others, but not their own.  Someone else’s problems, especially those of older adults, are easy to solve if they just did what the adolescent thinks that they need to do.

Knowing the repercussions that would accompany most decision choices are usually necessary precursors for making these judgments.  A lot of topics that adolescents need information about are not always covered in public situations but it is reserved for the family or church to do teach these things and ultimately if they don’t get this done, the electronic media or equally uninformed peers do it.

It is amazing who and what teaches our kids.  Their babysitters, preschool if it is a choice, and then there are the parents if they make to decision to keep the children at home and sheltered from outside sources of this information.  In the past, we tried to protect our kids from disturbing information only for them to get it elsewhere sometimes under less than desirable conditions.  Some parents take their responsibility very seriously and others do as little as possible and sometimes they can’t wait to kick the teenager out of the house and on their own at 18 with little or no preparation for independence.

Adolescents ultimately have to make it on their own.  They need to know who they are, what their values and talents or abilities are, how they view the responsibility of being sexually active, answering the question of, “Why am I here“,  and solving their own problems so they can live a happy life.  Also there are 0ften also the jobs of picking a life partner, parenting children, and finding a way to support oneself and dependent others.

What are some other decisions that adolescents usually have to make?  Are they prepared?  Also one part of the brain that has to mature in order for them to make good decisions and to be able to consider long-term over short-term effects of making decisions is not fully developed until sometime in young adulthood.

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Your Own Bragging Rights

achievementself-loveDo you have your own bragging rights?  I’ve been afraid to have them.  The higher up you go, the farther you can fall.  That’s what I have always been told.  “The meek will inherit the earth,” is another one.  How about, “Be all you can be-in the Army.”  If we all live up to our God-given or inborn potential, will there be anything left for anybody else?  Potentially we can be or do almost everything if we want to.  We may not have the time in this lifetime to do it all.  But I would love to be able to pick and choose.  Parents say they want their children to do it better and have it better than they have.  But aren’t you the parent just a little bit jealous of your own child when this actually happens?

Sometimes the only bragging rights parents have are about their children and grandchildren.  Could it be like second hand smoke?  Everywhere around you and you can’t help breathing it in; but it does you no good.  Parents sometimes work themselves to death in order for their kids to have it better than they did and often the children do not appreciate what has been done for them.  Part of the problem has been that very rarely does the child want to do or have the exact same thing that the parent wants.  Do it yourself, don’t put everything off or postpone starting your life til after the children are gone.  Especially if you have done a lot for your kids, they may still be depending on you when they should be out on their own or worst yet, they expect you to do the exact same thing as you did for them for their kids.  Too much is too much and enough is enough.

Alright already.  Do your children make plans and share confidences that don’t include you?  You know they are having a good time; but you aren’t.  Are you missing out on something?  Create your own experiences, celebrate your own successes, develop your own tastes and appetite for adventure and success as you see it.  Develop your own bragging rights for things that you have or are doing that promote you.  Maybe it is not so bad to search for and find your own purpose in life or thrive on your own accomplishments.

Not only should you do something well, you should want to shine at it and you should try to do it better than even you expected.  Start now.  Don’t wait for an empty nest (or even to be widowed) or it may be too late then.  Exercise your bragging rights now especially to yourself by saying all those things you would like to hear.  Compliments are made, not born, and may not come easily when applied to oneself.  If we fear success and don’t even dare hope that we will do something spectacular, we leave room for others to do what we could do for ourselves.  Wives and mothers, do you wait til everyone else’s needs are to take any or do you not assert yourself because, it didn’t matter anyway and it keeps the peace.

Who are you?  Have you forgotten?  Have you discovered your hidden talents or have not done anything with them because you don’t think you are worth it? or don’t really have any talent as compared to other people you know who have done it?

The most highly defended is the greatest asset.  That’s why Rocket Risks (Motor Mouth Publishing) are worth it.
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Read My Lips!

Read my lips, “Hello, out there.  I don’t exist just for other peoples’ convenience.”  I made a crack to some friends in the same situation the other day about how I started my indentured servitude in 1975 and it hadn’t ended yet.  Have  I paid yet for my passage into married life?

Read my lips, “Why do I get taken for granted?”  Back when I traveled and worked outside the home, I had a sign put up that said, “Your mother doesn’t work here please pick up after yourself.”  Of course, no one in the house obeyed the sign.

Read my lips, ” I am someone besides the housekeeper, your personal shopper,  your wife, your mother, and your kids’ grandmother.”   It was suggested that I write a proposal for what I would really like to do with my life.  That stymied me.Personal_Identity_Project_by_LaceX_Foxypowow

Read my lips, “I have always been a mystery to my family, not only my family of birth, but also my current family.  This started in childhood with my father.  He would take me places for activities and pick me up from them; but he never knew what I was doing.  I had the lead in my senior high school play and for all he knew, I had a bit part.  It was a mystery to him.  He supported me financially; and he usually knew where the money was going but not necessarily what for?

Read my lips, “Isn’t about time you and I started living our lives, not vicariously those of others, but our own.”  Have you lost sight of where you were going?  Did you ever know where you were going?  In my mother’s eyes, I was supposed to be a housewife and mother.  She understood that as she was one herself and she did a good job, not only at the basics, but also at the extras like being a room mother, a seamstress,  and a vegetable and landscape gardener.

identity-mind-map-19cc91tRead my lips, “Move over Kim Kardashian, it is my time to shine.”  It is time to stop doing without so others can have what they want.  It is time to be recognized for what I can do, do what I want to do, and go where I want to go.  I have a way with words, I have a good aesthetic sense, I have a singing voice, I am funny, I am well educated,  and it is time I stopped putting myself on the back burner.

Read my lips, “This is my personal space too.”  (I am talking about my house.)  I don’t mind others giving me suggestions, but the final decision should be mine.  I have to live in it, spend the most time in it, look at it, and be inspired by it everyday.  Yet, it constantly reminds me of what needs to be done and how it has been let go.   I feel as if I have little if any power to do anything about it.

Read my lips, “The fight for women’s liberation has not yet been won.”  ( I was there when it started and I won’t tell you how long ago that was.)  Yes, I could write a another whole post on being a wage slave and spending the majority of one’s life working for someone else’s goals.

 

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It’s All About You

Thinking

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

I was raised to think that my first thought should be, “What will other people think?” when I did something.  I grew up thinking that “other people” were more important than me.  Yes, my parents were included in that important group of people that I should always defer to; but even my parents were not as important as “other people” were.

This continued on into my adult life as long as my parents were alive.  This was the main consideration my mother had when I told her that I was going to get a divorce.  She was more concerned with the stigma that being divorced would give me among her friends and family than she was with my well being.

Back when I was first married, I remember coming home to visit my parents by myself and I was wearing a brand new bright red maxi coat which I dearly loved and when it became time to go to church the next day, my mother said, “You are not going to wear that,” and she actually expected me to wear instead one of my old coats that I had left at her house.  I stood up for myself and I told her that I was not going to church if I couldn’t wear my new coat.

When I remarried and had children and we were visiting my mother and the other grandchildren were coming to visit too, my mother would become critical of my children and not the others.  We were glad when we could leave and escape being found wanting when compared to the rest of the family.  Oh, believe it or not, later after she died, my cousins told me that she secretly bragged on my children when we weren’t there.  I know she was raised to think that way and her growing up experience was not easy as my grandmother (her mother) was often sick and withdrawn from the family leaving her and her sister with the help of their father who had to work to  fend for themselves.  I am sure she didn’t know what to tell other people when they asked what was wrong.

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What A Way To Go

Thinking

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

If you watch much TV or look at too many popular  magazines,  you might be led to thinking that you are all washed up when you reach 49.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I never thought that my grandparents looked anything but wonderful to me.  We are constantly told what we should look like, what we should wear, and what we should like to do.

How many well-to-do people get their houses “decorated” by an interior decorator and then worry about it getting, dirty, cluttered, or appearing “out-of-date” or well-worn?  What is the idea of having something if you can’t use it?  On the other hand, decorating a home with comfortable well-made furnishings that are pleasing to the eye can enhance your life and increase your house’s useability.  As a result, you spend more time there; you enjoy entertaining there; and the longer you have had it, the more you appreciate it.

You as a person do not have to be in style.  You can follow your own drummer and as you live longer, you can age well like a bottle of wine.  If you are over 29, 39, or 49, have you changed over time.  Are there things you know and do now that you didn’t do then that make a difference in the way you live your life?  What do you know now that you wish you had known then?  For example, I enjoy children  even more than when I was raising them.  I am freer to look at life with the perspective of some distance and little things don’t matter so much and sometimes they don’t even hurt as much.  I’ve learned from other people how others live their lives and I am not so narrow-minded and have gotten some good ideas on how to improve mine.

Early in life we often focus on getting things and on getting things done.  We sometimes have tunnel vision and we miss the forest for the trees.  As we get older, we can develop our own point-of-view of what is important in life and how to get it.  We may realize that we wasted time focusing on things we thought were important because that was what we were taught and not on what was really important when we started thinking for ourselves.

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How To Be A Good Parent

Sunflower

Sunflower (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

How to be a good parent.  Unfortunately most people become parents when they are young (and dumb?).  Please excuse the should’s.  I couldn’t think of another word.

Ideally a parent should love all children equally and show no favoritism.  They should shower them with unconditional love.  Not if you do this, then and only then I will love you for it.

Children are not born to be slaves (but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have increasing responsibilities as they get older).  Children should not have to be parents either to their own parents or to their brothers and sisters.  A child should also not be a substitute spouse for their parent.  Parents should not demand from children something that appropriately only should be gotten from the spouse.

Parents should not predict what their children should be based on similarities to other family members or acquaintances.  Predictions like this usually pressure the child and/or are negative.   Children often are what they are no matter what one might expect them to be.  Children might not follow their parents into business or a profession.  For example, my daughter-in-law is red-headed and so are her mother, sister, and father, but both of her kids are blondes.  I didn’t expect that.

I have always said that having a child is like planting a flower seed when you don’t know into what it will bloom so you plant it and you don’t know what you are going to get except that it will be a flower.  It may take a special kind of soil, a maximum or minimum amount of water and a maximum or minimum amount of sunshine.   You have to pay attention to how the plant is doing and change what you do for it based on what works.    You also have to be satisfied with what you get because a sunflower is not a rose and a rose is not a sunflower.  There may be different standards for sunflowers as compared to those for roses.

As children get older they become increasingly independent and do more and more things for themselves.  Parents cannot hold on to their children forever.  Children become parents themselves and they have responsibilities to fulfill with their own families.  Parents often have done their  job when they no longer have anything that they have to do for their children and their children no longer have to do anything for their parents.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t help each other out in a pinch or unforeseen circumstances.  They’re still family.

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Which Helps Us Grow Better?

Parenting

Parenting (Photo credit: Leonid Mamchenkov)

Mistakes? or Successes?

Current thoughts on child-rearing encourage giving children a lot of complements.  Yes, initially when a behavior is just being established, it can be shaped by rewarding approximations to the desired end behavior.  At some point, praise can become meaningless if the performance being applauded is mediocre.  This does not prepare a child for the real world where competition is stiff and you can not hold a job and not accomplish something that justifies it.

Making mistakes can be a learning experience.  Sometimes knowing what can make something go wrong is the key to success.  For example, one may have a beautiful recipe for a cake that gets rave reviews, but it is not known what makes this recipe successful until something randomly is left out or the amount of it is reduced or  increased and it fails.  .

This is often where the breakdown occurs between generations in a family business.  The parent or grandparent is perhaps even a genius at what he or she does and has gotten where he or she is by hard work and sacrifice.  The heir can not just show up for work with little knowledge of the business and no idea of what it takes to continue the businesses’ success and grow the business because if a business doesn’t continue to grow, it will start slipping and fail.  A person learns by experiencing not only successes, but also failures.  Sometimes other employees in the family business are afraid to tell the boss’s son or daughter that he or she goofed and that if he or she keeps doing something that way it will have an adverse effect on business.

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