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love

Hypocrites? (Warning X-Rated?)

When  man “fools” around, he is just being a man.  When a man gets it on with a  woman he considers “easy”, he will often say later, when men are talking about women who are wh–res or sl-ts, that she is one of them.    What does that make him?  Some men have sex with a willing woman and then put her down for doing it.

What about countries where women who are the unwilling victims of rape are considered to blame for what happened, not the man who did it, and are put to death.

Aren’t men more easily turned on by physical things or how a woman looks to them and what they fantasize about her and then they blame the woman for leading them on when she refuses to cooperate or reciprocate their ardor.  Women are more carried off by romantic notions and anticipated intimacy.

Why can’t a woman be more like a man (from “My Fair Lady”, the musical) and why can’t a man be more like a woman?  Men and women are different in terms of what physiologically arouses them.  This is why it takes longer for a woman to be ready for intercourse and longer to “come” to orgasm once she is aroused and her partner could become impatient.

Thus women sometimes “fake it” because the woman wants to please the man in order to support the relationship which is import to her.  Women are often more concerned about pleasing others and putting the needs of others first before their own in order to do this.

Thus communication is important for the relationship,  Sometimes men and sometimes even women expect the other person to instinctively know what turns the opposite sex on.

No wonder women when talking to other women talk about how they “fake” orgasms and they are more likely to have had “unwanted” sex especially the first time.  Men have often had more solo practice at coming to orgasm and arousing themselves then women have so they may be more “ready” for sex than the woman is and can make a woman feel guilty if she doesn’t comply with their desires.

Sometimes a relationship implicitly implies that a couple will have sex.  This can be the origin of a “date rape”.  This can result in a man using the less than gracious “come on” line such as, “You wanna?” after a long, boring, and tedious date during which the man got drunk and ignored the woman.

Are there precious and gracious men out there?  Yes there are.  Ones who use rose petals and candles to set the stage (often for marriage  proposals).

Atmosphere can be very important.  Don’t choose a fishing camp or a hunting lodge for your first encounter whether before or after marriage.  The back seats of cars and the typical bachelor pad are often not very romantic.  In the front seat, the steering wheel and/or the gear shift can get in the way and the smell of dirty socks and well worn running shoes is often not very pleasant neither is a bare mattress that may have never seen sheets..  Nor is the possibility of a roommate snoring prone in the next bed or carrying on with another girl on the couch in the next room.

 

 

Should You Judge A Book By Its Cover? What Do You Think Is More Important? Looks? Or Personality??

Drp_300px-Kohlberg_moral_stages_vop.gifo you realize we learn to like certain skin colors, hair types, body shapes, heights, and to discriminate between them.  To me, my mommy was beautiful and my grandmas were a “sight for my sore eyes,”  although they were older and heavier than my mother.  My BFF, who I met in first grade, was not judged by me on the basis of her physical size but on how much fun we had when we were together.  I had a cousin the same age as I was and I often got hand me downs from her as she (although my age) was “bigger” than me.  We have to be taught to see these differences as significant.  The standards of beauty and handsomeness can vary quite strikingly from culture to culture and have you looked at wedding pictures and seen that there is a man for every woman and a woman for every man.

I was having a discussion with my daughter-in-law and discovered that an actress that I considered to be no beauty was considered very attractive by my daughter-in-law.  Also men and women focus on different parts of the anatomy when they try to decide if a woman is beautiful and/or and a man is a potential  “chick magnet.”  Haven’t you ever heard a discussion about what physically attracts a man to a woman: her boobs, her butt, her legs, her hair color, or whatever.

Remember the saying, “Men don’t make passes at women who wear glasses.”  Doesn’t seem to face-partsmatter now.  It used to be what attracted a woman to a man was his profession or his ability to be able to support her in the style she was or would like to become accustomed to.   At mid-life or latter some men look for a younger woman sometimes even young enough to be their daughter.  Then there women who are “cougars” and seek younger men.  Ever hear the terms, “sugar daddy”or “trophy wife”?

There is one particular cable news channel that is often on at my house and one of the recurring “experts” I became acquainted with was so ugly, I didn’t like to look at him; however he was very knowledgeable and had a very credible life history to support his road to being this “expert.”  All of a sudden one day as I was listening to him, I realized he no longer was bad looking to me.  His looks didn’t change but my attitude toward them had.

rp_5798468679_59ea50286a_m.jpgI came to realize that I had been selling other people short when I concentrated on their looks instead of their personality, knowledge, and abilities.  I also I noticed I was selling myself short too when I dressed to impress and probably could not afford it instead of wearing something flattering and comfortable so I could be comfortable being me.  I don’t mean that looks don’t count.  You can go too far in this direction to the point of being offensive.

I had planned to post on the fact that the cable news channel had only impossibly beautiful women in at least distracting (if not very conservative) clothes, dangerously high heels, high maintenance hairstyles, and glamorous makeup that required that these women show up early for work in order to attain this look.  Also of course, the men who had the same jobs were often not necessarily tall, athletic, and youthful and wore more comfortable, less revealing, clothes.  I then realized I was judging these women on how they looked but in a negative way.  They didn’t deserve that either.  They invested a lot of time and money into looking the way they did and should not be judged for trying so hard.

Love One Another Right Now Even If It Costs

rp_8619481133_df8a85fccf_m.jpgYou think you can’t win if you don’t compete by withholding love from others because they might win and you might lose.  Do you find it difficult to impossible to be happy for others when they succeed and get rewarded for it on top of it and you don’t?

I cheer for others and can sometimes even be gloriously happy when they succeed.  Some people think that is strange.  Yet it is living proof that I too can win and meet my goals.  So many of us have had it brow beaten into us that others winning lowers the chance of our being able to do so also.  This means fewer accomplishments for us.  Do you find it hard to congratulate others when you, yourself, have not succeeded.  Do we often covet what others get or have because we feel that there is no more room in the inn for us to get some.

Love when divided multiplies.  The more we give the more we potentially can have.  There is an old story about a wicked witch who comes to a happy community and tells the occupants that they only have so much love to give and not to give it out unless they were sure of getting it back.  She even starts selling charms and spells that will substitute for giving from their supply of love unless they are sure they will get it back.  They conserve their supply of love for their own loved ones, not strangers.rp_300px-Friendship_love.JPG

Why should people give from their rapidly limited decreasing supply of real love when they can get “love” to give to others from the witch and thus not deplete their supply of real love.  They reserved their “real” love for themselves and their families and friends.  You know that people can die from lack of love and soon people began to drop like flies.  It was the phony love that killed them.  People became very selfish and stingy.

Just because you give love away doesn’t mean you will have no more love to give or have for yourself.  Strangely enough one child in the town where the evil witch loved either had not heard this or didn’t believe and began giving away love freely, without abandon, and NOBODY he gave to DIED FROM LACK OF LOVE ANYMORE INCLUDING HIMSELF.

Try the 29 day giving spree and give of your own treasures to someone else who would appreciate having them.  Or give more money to others than you just have to.  Why be stingy or calculate the appropriate amount to the penny when it comes to giving tips.  It only counts if it hurts a little or a lot for you to give these things.  It must cost you something to do this or it won’t count.  Something you were planning to throw out and dispose of at the Salvation Army does not count.  Remember what goes around comes around and it sometimes happens very quickly and in a surprising way.

Modern science has shown that people who do this are at the very least happier and may even get a rush of endrophens.  People who do this often start planning ahead about what they are going to give next.  This leaves less time for anxiety, sadness, and worry and for defaming others, putting them down, criticizing them, and passing judgment on them.rp_Not_So_Much_To_Be_Loved_As_To_Love.jpg

At Christmas time, have you ever played secret Santa?  People who work or live in the same place secretly draw names and do one thing kindly and anonymously each day for that person until Christmas.  The receiver tries to guess who the Secret Santa actually is.  Part of the fun is confusing the recipient and surprising him or her on Christmas when the secret is revealed.  It is fun to keep him or her off the track.  This too is part of the fun sometimes of paying it forward  as the recipient may never know who was so kind and/or generous.

 

A Valentine To My Sister

Valentine's day countdown

Valentine’s day countdown (Photo credit: Julie K in Taiwan)

A Valentine to my sister.  You know who you are.  You were made, not born.  I thought I had no sisters, only brothers and I envied those who did.  I know sisters fight sometimes and envy what the other has.  This was true of us; but now we’ve formed a sister’s bond and I know you were chosen to be my sister, we were made to have this relationship, not born this way.

I thought the world was wonderful when I had two daughters of my own; but I didn’t know what the world had in store for me when I acquired a daughter by law.  I am so proud when I go anywhere with you three.  I know I have to share you with your own mother and with your mother-in-laws too.

Bonds can be made as well as created by birth.  We also have two wonderful sons by law and my husband (their father-in-law) appreciates them too.  We never lost a daughter or a son, we just gained another son or daughter.  We also greatly appreciate their parents for giving birth to them and for becoming part of our extended family.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The biggest blessing of all is the nieces and nephews, cousins, and shared grandchildren that came to be.  The more love is shared the more there is to share.

 

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Love-Hate Relationships

Hate to Love You

Hate to Love You (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Almost any relationship can be a love-hate relationship.  The more time you spend being judgmental, the less time you have to be accepting.  It is a shame that people respond so negatively to judgmental comments by others.  Other people want to get a reaction out of you.  Do they do it by building you up or by tearing you down?

The more time you spend criticizing and trying to control others the less time you have to love and admire them.  Children bask in the love of friends and family.  When does this stop?  Have you ever been asked why can’t you control your kids and then jumped on their case, that of your children, not of the person complaining.  Who do you value most?  Other people? or your children?

No I would not suggest that you let children run all over you; but the younger they are, the more pure are their motives.  Do you often make them feel like they have just committed a crime especially when you are stressed, not necessarily by them?  More negativity just adds to the problem if the person or child was happy until they were judged negatively, how do you think they would feel after?

Some people say that indifference is stronger than hate.  If you just don’t care enough to say anything good or bad about a person anymore, where does that person rate in terms of your concern about them.  How lonely and unwanted does a person feel when he or she is thinking about suicide?

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If I am One Hundred Percent So Are You

Not So Much to Be Loved as to Love

Not So Much to Be Loved as to Love (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How do you picture other people in your life?  Are they 100%?  If you are 100% then more then likely they are 100% too.

I was looking for a way to say that all people are equal in the Supreme Being‘s eyes and if we love ourselves, we love others too.  In find it difficult to say I love you to everybody; but I found that I could say, “You are 100%.”

My next step will be to say, “You are worthy of love.”  What motivates you in your behavior is often the fact that you don’t feel loved and you feel that you have to hurt others in retaliation for this.

What horrible things we do because we do not really love ourselves.  Think of all the not so  random shootings and vehicular violence that occurs.  We all want to be loved and accepted.

Missing the love and respect of just one parent can damage a person irrevocably and result in retalitory violence against his or her spouse and children and against the world in general.  How many people have grown up with angry parents who take their anger out on their children?

How can a parent give a child the necessary unconditional love when they did not get it themselves?  How much of a child’s behavior is motivated by a desire to be loved and accepted?  Gang membership is often used as a way to do this.

So let’s make a start and just say in our heads to everyone we meet, “You are 100%.”

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Pay It Forward, Give Love Away

lightinthesouljpg

Pay it forward.  Give love away to the next person (a child especially) that you see.  You make the light in my eyes shine.  I see you from across the room.  I smile and you come to me.  It is obvious that you have made my day.  How can a child live without this?  Infants imitate facial expressions.  Help raise a child even one you don’t know.  Let them know by your facial expression that he or she has made your day just by their mere presence.  Send love to a child to day.  It costs nothing.

Take the whole thing a step further.  Works with adults too.  Smile at the next person you see.  Don’t look at them suspiciously.  Christians and other spiritual people have the love of God to sustain them.  It is like the five loaves and three fishes, the more you give away, the more you have leftover for yourself.  Get down off the shelf.  Spread love and happiness around.  The more you give away, the more you get.

Since I have been practicing this, strange things have been happening.  I got a spontaneous hug the other day from someone I didn’t know but who said they knew me.  Last night a pecan pie (oh, how I love pecan pie) appeared at the door.  It was a spontaneous gift from a neighboring Mennonite family.

Little girl serving a pecan pie.

Little girl serving a pecan pie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It doesn’t take money to pay it forward, it just takes love and a smile.  You don’t necessarily have to have an agenda.  Just try it and see what happens.  Shy? are you lacking in self-confidence?  Then just send love anonymously.  Try it on the next grumpy person that you meet.  Try it.  Light up your soul.

If you see someone having a problem, don’t make it worse.  Don’t join in with a heckling crowd.  Don’t join the crowd and express your annoyance too with a misbehaving, fractious child when an agitated parent obviously has lost control  of the situation.  If you can’t help, don’t make it worse.  Smile a look of understanding instead.  Pay it forward.  You don’t know when you might need that smile yourself.

 

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Getting Upset Over Something

loveyouradultchildrenGetting upset over something sometimes means you have a tender heart.  I see you getting upset over something and it breaks my heart.  No, I am not upset over what upset you for what could I do to keep that from happening to you?  Getting upset over something small seems to be your fate and when I get involved, it seems to be too late.

Getting upset over something that happens to you seems to be my problem too.  I don’t want to see you hurt and what hurts you hurts me.  The first time it happened (or when it first happened in a big way) it ruined my day.  I cried with you and sobbed my heart out.  It was terrible that I couldn’t do anything to mend your heart on my part.

When you (the keeper of my heart) get upset over something about which you can do nothing and which was not really your fault at the start, it is harder to do something about it as you never had control to start with. You can do little, if anything, about it now.  You are upset when someone does something for you and it doesn’t work out and you know there is no way you can fix it after the fact.  I feel bad for you and here I am getting upset over something that I didn’t cause in the first place just like you and I can’t fix it either.  Getting upset over something is easy to do and harder to fix when it is not you.

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Rash Judgment?

A Different Church Building

A Different Church Building (Photo credit: justshootingmemories)

When my three children were very young, just toddlers, I had trouble controlling them in church as I only had “two hands” and I brought them to church by myself (and sat at the back of the church so as to cause the least amount of disruption).  After church I was shanghaied in the women’s restroom by an older woman from church (of course I still had my children with me)  and told how when she had brought her children to church when they were little that they sat still and were very quiet like she had taught them to be.  She said that her children had also grown up to be extremely successfully linking her having kept her children quiet in church to their growing up that way.  Another lady even joined in and agreed with her.  I went home feeling miserable and like not going back to the church after being treated that way.  I felt that nobody there saw that bringing them to church at their age by myself was an accomplishment in itself.  That afternoon, the lady in the restroom, who contributed her comments when I was being criticized by the other lady, called me up and sincerely apologized for any upset she might have caused me.  I did go back to church after that.  This could lead to another discussion on forgiveness; but I think I am done.

Patience that day was in short supply not only on the other woman’s side, but also on my side as a mother.  Both of  us were easily riled.  For me it started while I was trying to get us ready.  It never failed, but at least one of us would require a complete change of clothing before leaving the house.  This was after everybody had gotten dressed once for church.  Toddlers are also notorious for doing something “bad” while your attention is otherwise directed, in this case, by two other toddlers.

The lady in church was a little-bit short-sighted and also lacking in patience.  I understand that it is hard to hear the sermon when babies are crying and toddlers are screaming.  Should mothers of young children stop going to church until their children are bigger?  Children also can also be a distraction when they head down the aisle towards the altar on their own.  Do you abandon the other children?  Capture him or her and take him or her out of church to be chastized?  I remember it well.  Now it is my grandchildren doing this.

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Respect

respect

respect (Photo credit: Heliøs)

Respect all things.  Do you see beauty in everything?  Have you ever destroyed something that somebody else put a lot of time and energy into?  Have we become a destructive society?  I am not suggesting that you become a hoarder; but that you value what you have around you.   What is so much fun about mindless destruction?

It seems like we don’t value things, we don’t value people, we don’t value animals.  Where are we going?  It is unnatural to harm and kill others.  Or where else does post traumatic stress come from if this doesn’t bother us?  We (including plants and animals) are fearfully and wonderfully made.

We don’t respect ourselves?  We take part in hazardous sports.  We exercise to the point where it harms our bodies.  We are now finding out that excessive running and being in marathons can damage the heart which is to begin with a muscle.  You can overwork your body especially if you become addicted to the high you get from exercising.  It’s not that it doesn’t feel good to do some movement and it up to a certain point makes you healthier.  There’s the feeling of relaxation and accomplishment that  you get afterwards when you stop to rest.

Don’t put yourself down.  Don’t let others put you down.  Teach your children to respect themselves and others.  Build people up.  Don’t tear them down.  Why do we get a high from feeling better than someone else?  Our chief competitors should be ourselves.

Yes, there is danger out there and we need to learn to respect that too.  We have to evaluate our world and to protect ourselves from people who don’t respect human or animal rights.

 

 

 

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