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Why Children Are Easy To Use And Abuse

  1. Children believe what they are told because they don’t know anything else.
  2. Children think that almost everything is fun.
  3. Children usually don’t refuse an invitation to do something they think might be fun.
  4. Children are easily frightened.
  5. Children can go with someone they don’t know if they think that he or she is removing them from possible danger.
  6. When children are kept sheltered, this might make them more vulnerable.
  7. Ignorance is not always bliss.
  8. When an adult tells children something that they don’t know they usually believe the adult.
  9. Children, when faced with a new request, might not know it is wrong
  10. Children are naive and are easily shamed if they do something that was wrong but didn’t know it.
  11. Children learn early that if they do something they later found out was wrong, they don’t tell to avoid punishment.
  12. Children can be forced to repeat something they feel is wrong because they think they might be physically punished, their parents might get hurt, or no one would believe them.
  13. Children can also block memories from their minds because they are too painful.
  14. Often children often don’t know any better.
  15. Children are gullible.
Prevent Child Abuse With the Truth

Prevent Child Abuse With the Truth

Keep Your Comments To Yourself Or When Criticism Is Not Productive?

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Well, Shame On You! (Not All Nuns Act This Way)

Either I already know them or I don’t want to hear them.

Oh, you were just being nice or you wanted to set me straight?

You wanted to be sure I knew something so I wouldn’t embarrass myself or you!

You wanted to show off your superior knowledge and I was a willing victim.

Stop and think before you say something like that because you might reveal more about yourself  than you may reveal about me.

Truly meaningful and loving comments build me and you up at the same time.

Next post will be, “When A Compliment Is Not A compliment.”

Could Putdowns Be A Form Of Putting A Curse On Someone?

The witches (at least the bad ones) have gone and people don’t worry about curses being put upon them anymore or do they?  When people put you down to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves above you, are they really putting a curse on you especially if you or those around you tend to believe them?  The power in a curse is usually the strength that of the belief that the victim has in them.

rp_300px-Bullying_Irfe.jpgAlso, can putdowns be a form of domestic abuse?  Yes, a person can be emotionally as well as physically abused leaving them browbeaten and powerless.  Have you ever known a person who doesn’t ever seem to have something good to say about a family member and worse yet, other family members start to do it too.

A Perplexed Child

A Perplexed Child

Doing it to children is a heinous offense.  They often do not have a way of knowing that it is not true and they believe it.  Other family members, especially other children, will start to do it too.  “Monkey see; monkey do”  Also siblings seeing it done to a fellow sibling might think that they might be next so they keep the spotlight on their sibling’s faults and deficiencies.

rp_363561405_150_150.jpgIt is not a good joke if the person who is the object of the joke doesn’t laugh at it too.  When this happens to children, they are often reduced to tears.  The perpetrators say they don’t know why the object of the joke doesn’t think it is funny and they label him or her a “bad sport.”

Guilt, Shame, & Fear Of Violating Taboos Make Limits

Warm Fuzzies-Cold PrickliesHaving explored many different areas of life and having come to the conclusion that there are:”Different Strokes for different folks,”  I suggest we embrace diversity.  Just because we are used to something doesn’t mean that there isn’t another way to do it that is accepted elsewhere.

For example, I was invited to a friend’s for supper and there was no silverware. I then realized it was normal in this household for people to eat with their fingers.  I come from a German background and in that culture, there are few if any physical displays of affection in adult social situations.  A person like me feels embarrassed when we get around people from a different European culture where this is done freely and easily.

Babies die if not given affection: cuddling, cooing, etc.  This is called marasmus.  Yet something so vital to human life is something most of us have to learn to live without.  I remember trying to give my dad a hug as an adult and he shied away from me.  It’s only in sexual relations and with very young children that this is allowed.

Who knows what science will say about this in the future?  And how vital it may be found to be to human interaction and human thriving.

rp_3646327263_31934e1abe_m.jpgSuch a warm comfortable feeling when it is freely expressed can create feelings of tremendous guilt in some people and other cases we reject it’s expression because it comes with an ulterior motive.

I can’t remember how many times that males in my life wanted “to cop a feel” without getting any permission.  It usually was at the beginning of something that the male thought might eventually lead to sex.  It usually left me cold especially if I did not find that person attractive and/or I was involved in another relationship.  It led to feeling used, not cared for.

I do “healings” and even with that, I can sense when a person feels okay about me healing them or when it would gross them out or otherwise be unacceptable.

Making Bad Connections Between Two Separate Things When They Don’t Make Sense

rp_363561405_150_150.jpgIt is unfortunate that some people when bad things happen in order to explain unexplainable things they make connections that make themselves feel really guilty when they actually might not be so. Unfortunately, bad things happen over which we seemingly have no control.  This especially happens when someone dies unexpectedly.

From an early age people often makes inaccurate connections between when something bad like this happens and something that they have done unfortunately when they did not know that the unexpected would happen.

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgThis especially happens when someone is grieving and did not know before the person passed away that the person would die unexpectedly.  Perhaps there was a family celebration that was not so happy because someone’s feelings got hurt.  Being that we often have great expectations for such occasions, this often happens when things don’t meet our expectations and our feelings get hurt or we get mad about something.

Most people know that this will often blow over and be forgotten before the next big family celebration.  Then something bad happens and the person blames his or herself for it happening or for not having treated the person who dies unexpectedly right!

Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium

Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium

A person’s sudden passing is upsetting enough without adding the factor in that one of the persons doing the grieving feels that he or she had a part in it which they now regret.  The origin of this problem is often that the person who feels bad would rather they had something to do it rather than it happened for no reason or if by chance a person is not on good terms with the person who passes unexpected and now wishes that he or she had not been that way considering what happened later even though he or she didn’t know that would happen at that time.

It is important to forgive yourself like you should or would do for other people.It is, even more, important to do so if you realize that you had no intention to hurt the person that passed away as you thought this person would be around to make it up if necessary.  Don’t blame yourself for something over which you have no control!

 

Boundary Problems?

With what is going on in Europe now with boundary problems, it is getting more and more clear that having little or no boundaries makes them vulnerable to people who will take advantage of that.

taking-advice-badgeDo you feel that you are a pushover?  Why are you a pushover?  Is it because you want people to like you.  Can’t you think of a reason not to do it?

You think you are a good person and that others are good people too.  Not setting appropriate boundaries leaves you wide open to people who don’t think like you do.  It also leaves you wide open when you should be setting boundaries like with children and people who work under your supervision.  Are you the kind of parent or boss who often winds up picking up after their children and/or doing someone else’s work along with your own?rp_23219947_8c2cef7e59_m.jpg

How long can you do this type of thing without feeling angry?  “Read my lips” no more “nice” guy or girl.  You also lose people’s respect too.  I have grandchildren and I can tell who does and who does not set boundaries with the grandchildren by the children’s behavior.  You are courting chaos when you don’t do this.

Righteous anger?  Is that possible?  Is it polite?  When we continue to let people take advantage of us (and we know it) aren’t we lying?  Isn’t this a “sin?” of omission?  So this person or child takes advantage of us figuring we don’t really say what we mean.

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Arguments And Fear Of Upset Feelings

rp_228552603_150_150.jpgI just talked about fear and the biggest fear is of fear itself.  If we don’t talk about things until one of us, either partner gets mad, then it is hard to overlook how bad it makes us feel and deal with the issues themselves.

I don’t know about you but my very sense of security can be threatened.  It got this way in my first marriage and maybe if we had the fights that we did when we were divorcing all along, the marriage could have been better.

Not trusting your partner is very destructive in a relationship; especially not trusting them to make a fair compromise and to not penalize you for bringing something up that needs to be dealt with.

Contact Comfort–Affection, Touching Build A Connection Between Two People

rp_300px-Friendship_love.JPGI once attended a cancer support group at a hospital as an invited speaker.  I did something I had never done before and have not done again.  I don’t know why.  Maybe lack of confidence in myself and my abilities.

What I did was bring a bottle of hand lotion and had each of us massage each others’ hands with the lotion, finger by finger, in the center of the palm and on the back of the hand and all around the wrist.  I was gentle.  We all were.  It was relaxing and comforting and it made us all feel like part of the group.

Later I joined a church where foot washing of each others’ feet was part of a ceremonial “meal” conducted twice a year at Easter time and Thanksgiving like Jesus had done to the disciples at Passover.   I was somewhat embarrassed and uncomfortable, but I did it and allowed it to be done to me.  I never did it again.

How little are we afraid to reveal to others so much so we won’t touch each other in a loving and caring way unless the being receiving the care is paying for it (manicures and pedicures and often unsatisfying massages).

Touching is often used a passage way to our most vulnerable parts with little or no intention to nurture, comfort, support, or protect?  Is this why much of the physical contact we get as an adult is so compromising and sometimes unsatisfying especially for women.

P.S.:  My friend gives the most satisfying scalp massages when she shampoos my hair at her salon.

What do you think?

 

When Feelings Aren’t Wrong In Therapy

Don't Ask; Don't Tell.

Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell.

When feelings aren’t wrong in therapy and might be a warning sign:

As a therapist, I have been in psychotherapy working on my own issues.

It seems that the first thing a therapist might say is trust me, I only want to help you.

So you entrust your soul to a therapist you don’t know who you think has the appropriate credentials to help you solve your problems but who in the end only creates more problems for you.

Sounds complicated, doesn’t it?

Here is my story:

The details are fuzzy but they often are when dealing with sexual abuse.  One of the first things this therapist told me was that he found me sexually attractive and this made me feel uncomfortable; but he reassured me that I shouldn’t feel that way as it was a compliment.

Months later, maybe even a year later.  I came back to see this therapist at his invitation to let him know how I was doing after I had completed therapy with him.

I opened the door to his office and saw him lying on the floor with some pillows around him and he said,”Come here.  Let me touch you.”  I don’t remember the rest of what happened.  I was at the very least surprised and disconcerted by his proposition.

I don’t remember the rest of what happened.  The details are fuzzy and any attempts I have made to create a time line has been even more confusing.  It took years for me to remember this and by then it was too late to do anything about it.

What is appropriate and what is inappropriate in therapy?

Common sense would tell you that touching, especially titilating touches, are not appropriate either during or after therapy while the client still relates to the therapist in the therapist role.

Sexual abuse victims are extremely vulnerable to this kind of thing and the practitioner’s code is “Above all else do no harm”.

Do you see how this orientation on the therapist’s part could have rended most of the therapy ineffective?  maybe even harmful to me?

Therapist’s have a big responsibility and they must constantly monitor their feelings towards a client and seek supervision if they are unsure about this.

Clients place a big burden on the therapist and there has been a code of ethics created for him or her to follow in their relationships with a client.  It would seem to be easy to do this if the therapist has common sense and a personal code of conduct not only as a therapist but also as a human being.

The biggest trap is transference in the therapist-client reationship.  This happens when either the therapist or the client perceives the other person in the relationship as being like someone from their past and acting toward that person like he or she would with this figure.

Therapists should be trained to avoid this trap and to use this information about their own possible transference to promote healing in the client versus letting it happen on their part and disrupting and corrupting the relationship.

 

 

 

 

Love Will Keep Us Together

rp_303404356_6ff7a23b4b_m.jpgLove and lack of love are motivating factors in this life. Can we do without love and if we do, can it result in a life of  overwhelming depression, sorrow,  hate, and terror.  Children in orphanages in the past died of mirasmus or lack of love even when their basic needs were met and there was no time or place for love and affection once these were accomplished.

How can you give love when you don’t know how to receive it.  Basically everyone wants to be loved even if they don’t know it.  Giving love to oneself and others is one of the most basic tasks in life and yet it is often the least rewarded by sources outside the self.

It is the most rewarding thing to do personally and a smile, a loving glance, a simple compliment can be given without expectation of reward or recognition.  For one example, children passed lovingly from lap to lap in a family gathering and held so closely that one might not know which child actually belongs to which loving family member unless one knew the families present.

Resentment, abuse, doing without the basic necessities of life while others take more than their share and often even waste much of it.  A commune type of life style or living in or near a close family constellation can promote the idea of sharing and generosity and teach that making others happy is just as rewarding as selfish motives could ever be.warmfuzzies

Warm fuzzies and cold prickles are the invention of a witch in a story by Claude Steiner who can’t sell her potions and spells when people were able to give warm fuzzies freely away and there was always more of them left to share after some of them were given away.  She then spreads the word that that isn’t true and people only have a limited number of warm fuzzies to use themselves and to give to others.  Then she is able to sell cold pricklies which feel like warm fuzzies initially but quickly turn into something that requires that the person needs more which the witch happily sells at a price.

The warm fuzzies were always free and people were generous with them because they never ran out.  The witch, however, told the people that they should save the warm fuzzies and give fake warm fuzzies (or cold prickles) which she manufactured and sold because people only had a finite number of warm fuzzies and should save them for themselves and immediate friends and family members.  Read the story on the web as it has a happy ending when someone exposes the lies that the witch told in order to increase her business.

Why shoudn’t you be generous with your love?  You can start it by just thinking, “I love you,” when you see or think of someone.  If you get braver you might say, “I love you”, outloud as someone leaves instead of just saying, “Goodbye.”  You could say it to yourself as you look in the mirror.  The more you do it the easier it becomes and you might start to benefit from the good vibrations that this generates in others.  Oh sure there are people who are so far into being negative that this doesn’t work with them; but don’t let that stop you because many other people will respond positively.