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Centerpointe Research

Sexual abuse

How Men And Women Differ On The Subject Of Sexual Harrassment

Men do what women consider to be gross things and some men go so far as to think that women are asking for it.  Ugh (my comment as a woman).  Ick!  Men like to think that women think like them.  It makes it easier for them to sexually harass women because  then they can think that women are asking for it.  This makes it easier for them to do things to or in front of women that are actually disgusting to most women.

I have been shown Play Boy center foldouts and asked to be present when a psychiatrist does a physical exam on male patients so I could do the mental exam.  I was not a nurse or physician.  I have been invited back to see a therapist that I had seen so I could let him know how I was doing.  I opened the door and he had set up his office so that I could join him on the floor and make out.  Where had I gone wrong or where had they gone wrong.  I was shocked and didn’t know what to say.  I am telling you this because I shouldn’t have felt ashamed and kept this quiet for many years.  Where did these men come off by doing this?  P.S. I was also groped on the Grey Hound bus by the guy seated next to me when I was trapped by him in the window seat.

Men can spend hours talking about women who they think have led men astray.  Maybe it was the other way around.  Women’s reputations have been tarnished this way.  Men’s reputations are not tarnished this way, they are seemingly enhanced.  If women fooled around as much as men think they do, they wouldn’t have time for anything else.  Most women usually have so much to do involving working, taking care of the home, and caring for children, when would they have time?  When could they sneak away to do this?

I think most of this goes on often only in men’s minds and they think that women must think like they do.  If this is so, then they think they are justified in acting on it.  If a man is running around on a woman, then he often thinks that she must want to do the same.  This then justifies their wanting to do it more.

This does not forgive women who use their sexuality to entrap men and use them.  This has led to men (especially in conservative circles) not wanting to be alone with women unless their husband is around or they are with a group.  What do you think?  I think most women will say that they would “like” to be with a certain movie star or music star, but often that is far as it goes.

Often women have trouble accepting their sexual attractiveness and they sometimes “dress down” and use little or no makeup because of this.  This can spoil whatever appropriate sexual relations that they have with a man with the women not feeling sexually attractive or even sexually attracted to their partners.  Women’s sexuality is often fragile and easily tainted this way.  While many men have rehearsed the sexual act both in their minds and in actual self-stimulation.  Having sexual thoughts seems to be more acceptable for men.

There is a form of child sexual abuse where a mother may flaunt her sexuality in front of her young son both by having open sexual relations with a man in front of him and by displaying her body to him by having little or no clothes on.  This can lead to fondling of the child by tempting the boy to touch her and cuddle with her?!

Education is important.  We need to know what is appropriate and not appropriate in the sexual realm.  No education does not keep children and some grownups safe and sound.  Ignorance is not bliss in many cases.  When it is found inappropriate, the victims should know that they should speak up and to whom they can do it.  When I was harassed above, I initially had no idea of what to do, I felt shamed, and I kept the secret to myself for a long time.

Notice there are no pictures illustrating this post.   I do not want to promote anything by having what might be considered sexually explicit pictures.

 

Practice Makes Perfect Sense

Bullying

Bullying (Photo credits: www.mysecuritysign.com)

Practice makes perfect unfortunately sometimes.  People continue to think that obsessive preoccupation with playing violent video games is harmless because you don’t actually hurt someone and you get your aggression out.  As long as you fill your mind up with something and frequently rehearse doing it in your head, you will be more likely to do it in real life.  Bullying is like this.  Kids observe other kids doing this and it seems like fun and if you do it to someone else first than you will be less likely to be a victim.  Observation has shown you being a victim of bullying is no fun.  Sometimes it even generates laughter and favorable attention for the bully.  If you can’t beat them join them.  Young victims of sexual abuse may also go on to do it to other children.  Sometimes people go from being the victim to becoming the aggressor.

Practice makes perfect with manners.  Small children easily pick up manners when they have them modeled for them by adults and are encouraged to use them themselves.  “Please,” “Thank you,” and “You are welcome,” are encouraging to hear toddlers using in everyday life and help them to realize that people don’t demand things from others and when you give someone something,  you should do so graciously.  These same children that I have observed in real life are also being taught to share and to say, “I’m sorry,” when it is appropriate.  Initially these things have to be modeled for them and they have to be prompted to do them; but then later they occur spontaneously.  Children can learn to respect the feelings of others and in turn have their feelings respected by others.

practicemakesPractice makes perfect; but be careful what you practice doing.  This is how bad habits are made.  This is easily observable in people who use cuss words.  After so much repetitive use, these words come easily out of the person’s mouth.  Parents often realize this about themselves when they first have a young child who mimics everything they say.

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Abuse, the Controlling of Others

Abuse

Abuse (Photo credit: Ex-InTransit)

Three people in chains, probably somewhere in ...
Three people in chains, probably somewhere in East-Africa. The total number of slaves in early twentieth-century Ethiopia is estimated at between 2 and 4 million in a total population of about 11 million. “#v=onepage&q=&f=false Women and Slavery: Africa, the Indian Ocean world, and the medieval north Atlantic”. Gwyn Campbell, Suzanne Miers, Joseph Calder Miller (2007). Ohio University Press. p.219. ISBN 082141724X (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To me, the slavery of the mind, body, and soul of others is the core belief of abuse.  If I control you, I control all parts of you. Nothing that’s yours can escape me.  The abuser is a dictator, a slave owner, a sovereign ruler.  Perhaps even a god.

In spouse abuse, It’s usually the husband who controls, not only what the wife does or says, but also whom she associates with, her family and friends.  In order to do this, the abuser isolates the victim and controls what assets the victim has access to if any.  Usually the abuser is not satisfied with just controlling these things, but also the abuser wants to control the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of the victim.

Associated with the abuse is also a sense of low or zero self-worth on the part of the victim.  The victim also has no rights and the victim depends on the abuser to meet his or her basic needs.  Even what the needs are is often dictated by the abuser.  If there are children involved (and there usually is), their ownership reverts to the abuser not the victim.

Thus it is difficult for the victim to get away from the abuser since the victim has little or no resources and often does not feel that he or she is strong enough to survive on their own.

 

 

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Like Chewing on a Bone

The reviewing of significant events in one’s life is often done over and over like a dog who burys a bone only to dig it up later and chew on it again.  It may seem like the process is never complete but if new material is discovered that changes the picture or a different point of view is found, it can be very helpful.  What is disconcerting is to find out that knowing what you do now you wish you hadn’t done or said something about that situation in the past.

This is often the process in psychotherapy.  The same problem can come up again and again at different points in one’s life.  This often happens with sexual abuse.  Such an experience can effect several different areas of one’s life at different times.  It can effect one’s sexual relationships.  It can effect parent-child relationships.  There is also a possible anniversary effect when the child the same sex as you reaches the age you were when you were abused or when that child has contact with the same person or with someone in the same role as the person who abused you..

Problems that one had with one’s parents or other authority figures as a child can come up again and again in a person’s life time.  This is especially so if you or your child is put in that same situation again.  For example, when your parents need your help as they get older and more dependent on outside help is one such occasion or when your children have conflicts with teachers like you did as a child.

As time passes, there is the possibility of a change in perspective and with that a change in behavior.  For example, when one realizes that his or her parents were young and inexperienced when he or she was a child and couldn’t be expected to be perfect parents at that time.

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The Horrible Things That Truely Exist in Our World

Cult and Ritual Abuse

Cult and Ritual Abuse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

With the horrible things that really happen, why do we have to focus on make believe mayhem?  In my field of study, psychology, I have heard and read about atrocious things that have occurred in people’s lives now and in the past.  Every time a tragedy occurs, there can be horrible details of what actually happened that remain in the memories of people who had to deal with them or were victims of them.  Why do we have to create disgusting scenarios in movies and video games when the real thing is bad enough or maybe even worse than the imaginary thing.

Human sacrifice is prevalent in history and even occurs in satanic ritual abuse.  Babies are conceived, never registered, and disappear this way.  Also when people die, how does it happen.  Do they experience terror before they pass on?  What about the aftermath?  Who finds and/or deals with the remains and how do these horrors effect them?  This is not just make believe like at Halloween when people put together scarey haunted houses.  This is often the origin of post-traumatic stress syndrome where people live over and over the horrible things that have happened to them in the past.

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Have Your Boundaries Been Crossed?

Cover of "Boundaries (Fireside/Parkside R...

Cover via Amazon

Men, have you ever been kidding a woman you had thought that you had known well and had what amounted to having your face slapped?  Did she get very quiet, refuse to help you anymore, or{ taking it to the extreme) call the  manager or the police?  Did you feel initially that your behavior was appropriate  and not in bad taste?  Women, have you wound up in a situation you didn’t intend to get into and (in an extreme cases of misunderstanding) been “” date raped“”?  Crossing someone else’s sexual boundaries unintentionally or unknowingly letting your own sexual boundaries  be crossed, can be signs that you learned inappropriate sexual boundaries and/or you had your sexual boundaries inappropriately crossed  as a child  leading to problems identifying sexual limits in  others and in establishing them for yourself.

Some sexual abuse is only partially remembered by the victims and some do not remember it at all.  Worse yet, victims  may not categorize some behaviors that they experienced as abusive especially when they do not know that sexual boundaries have been crossed.   Either parent can cross these boundaries with a child of either sex.  It has been said that sometimes it is physical abuse as a child that is easier to deal with because it leaves visible marks and sexual abuse as a child (as well as emotional abuse which will be a later topic of this blog) that  is harder to deal with because it usually does not leave marks.  Just saying, ”’No,”” is easier said than done.  Abusers count on child victims to not believe that they can not safely do that.

Thus you may have had your sexual boundaries crossed as a child and not known it.

 

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