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success

Procrastination Is Making You Wait…

rp_4266893491_71b4f4f722_m.jpgProcrastination often occurs because of the fear of failure or doing something wrong.  You can never get something done right or learn something that you don’t know how to do without going ahead and trying.  Some people avoid doing something because they would rather do something else like nothing.  I have had jobs where at times I had to be at work and had nothing to do but I had to stay there.

I often spend more time avoiding something than it might actually take to do it and then either fail or succeed.  What would happen if you did something when you saw it and/or thought of it?   Might you save time and energy and/or actually learn something about something you are afraid to do for various reasons.  A coward dies many deaths, but a hero dies but once.

rp_4612035503_13ffb333f8_m.jpgHow much clutter do you accumulate because of the fear of throwing something away and needing it later however so slight.  In the long run would it be cheaper in terms of time and energy to redo or replace something or hunt the information you didn’t save up again on the internet.  I got a bargain individual serving coffee maker that did not have the instructions and it really was no problem as I found them on the internet and printed them out?

I have always heard that if you live in New York City where rents are extremely high and space is extremely limited that you have to learn to do this and that people who have amassed collections of stuff over the years sometimes feel relieved when they no longer have to keep track of them and or maintain them.

rp_8182308742_11e245507e_m.jpgAnother problem is the “I can’t” response.  Have you ever really tried and at the same time remembered that other people have been able to do it and they had to learn sometime.  It also improves your self-concept and makes you less dependent on others.

Either farm the job out on a regular schedule like most people do that with their trash or do without.  For example get a duvet and a duvet cover which is washable to replace your top sheet and blanket and simplify a bed making job and/or wait until just before you go to bed to straighten the bed up and now you won’t need the bedspread and fancy extra throw pillows.  Whoever thought a bed had to be dressed up and often didn’t kings and emperors hold court from their beds and I guarantee that their beds weren’t made when they did that.

Aim too highI once solved a patient’s problem with organizing and submitting paperwork so he could get what would amount to a very substantial amount of money refunded when he got all done.  I gave the patient a time limit to get it done in and if he didn’t meet the time limit he would have to agree to throw all the paper that he had saved away so he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

Sometimes we take more time ensuring that we not do something than it would actually take to do it.  We sometimes are so busy ruminating about something that we don’t realize this until it is too late.  One thing I am doing is fixing up a standard card table to use only for the current  paperwork that I am doing and it is removed from the TV and the the refrigerator and the company of any human beings (haven’t pledged yet to keep my pets out as the cat likes to sleep in the middle of my paperwork and/or stand in front of my computer screen and paw at it.  He can no longer sleep on top of the monitor (because it was warm) as it is now a flat screen.  No, I don’t know why he does this?

aim at nothingSomewhere we learn early on to drag our feet this way to get out of doing something (going to bed?).  As I have said in another recent post, some people spend more time in the workplace avoiding work than working.  I don’t know how or why they get paid for this?  At least when I do this, I am usually only cheating myself.  Now when you think of it, it seems awfully stupid when we take these things into consideration.the-greatest-barrier-in-success-is-the-fear-of-failure

When Will You Come Out Of The Closet And Help Yourself Or Others??

rp_300px-Baby.jpgThe value of human life is invaluable but many people want us to hide our light under a bushel basket so that they can let theirs shine.  When are you going to come out of the closet and stop others from making us do this.  Just as it is life changing for a homosexual to come out of the closet so is it life changing for any individual to come out of the closet and expose who he or she really is.

Forcing a belief system on another through coercion is not the way to spread love and knowledge.  We all have something to contribute and to have another’s belief system forced upon us out of the fear that our expressing our beliefs system which is different will restrict theirs.

I believe we all have something to contribute if we believe in our selves from the most developmentally disabled individual to the most brilliant and verbal individual.  When we assemble in a group, why do we almost automatically begin to judge ourselves against each other.  Leaving some people out and promoting other people to positions of leadership over the rest of us.  How often does someone sit quietly in a classroom because they feel that they have little to contribute.  So often people criticize others and complain about others so strongly that they cause others to shut up and make no contributions for fear of being criticized.

rp_3476636111_c551295ca4_m.jpgGreat people like Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross have recognized the contributions of “little” people that most people don’t notice or ignore.  How about the cleaning lady who when she goes into hospital rooms her mere presence quiets and comforts dying patients?  Consider the behavior of the “Father” also known as Pope Francis who has not taken on the pompt and circumstance of being the Pope and thus has discouraged those in the Vatican and Cardinals and other clergy in positions of authority from elevating themselves above other religious or common folk.

How uncertain are we about expressing ourselves when we see what other people can do to us when we express ourselves.  In psychology, this is called relational aggression versus direct aggression which involves actually hurting someone physically.  Rejecting someone and encouraging others to reject them too can be deadly (sometimes resulting in self-murder or suicide or mass murders of innocent people) .  Have you ever feel that your own opinion was as good or better as someone else’s or that your instinct to do something in a given situation would have resulted in a better outcome than someone else got? but we stay quiet.  How much does that actually help the world  if all the good people  keep their mouths shut.

All of us are diamonds in the rough.  It just takes cutting and polishing to bring out our brilliance.   Some of us are fearful of going through this process.  Some of us do not have enough self-confidence.  What if people like Ghandi kept their mouth shut.  What if mother Teresa had been content to just be an ordinary nun?  Would she have been more comfortable?  When Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross came out against quarantining and rejecting children who had aids (through no fault of their own), she was virtually kicked out of the community that wouldn’t let her take them in.

embarassingquestionsHow often have you been in a group where you kept your mouth shut even though you might have said what many others were also thinking?  This can be true about supporting homosexuals right to lead normal lives without rejection and persecution.  Have you ever kept your mouth shut in a group where someone was trying to do this? or something similar?  I am not wanting to take away anyone’s right to disapprove of homosexuality while taking the right to app0rove of it or at least not to reject it.  On the one hand, everyone  has rights and we have to be careful not to take away someone’s rights while asserting the right to have our own.  On the other hand, have you ever supported someone else’s rights while keeping quiet about your right to your own beliefs?

Comparing Yourself To Others

How often when you hear about some other person , do you enter into a self made competition with them?  Why do we always have to be better than or, worse yet, worse than somebody else.  Often when I hear good news about somebody else I automatically enter myself into competition with them.  I hear it is wonderful “so and so” lost so much weight and I think that is more weight than I have lost recently and it’s a “downer”.  I wonder if this person now weighs less than I do.  It is a matter of winning  or losing.  Maybe  I originally wasn’t  even thinking about losing weight but  now I am.  Who turned someone else’s accomplishment into a competition?  I did.

rp_7297340494_bbd50a8706_m.jpgYou are reading the Alumni news from your school and you realize you have gotten no where in life when you compare yourself to other people in your class or to all those who also had the same major as you.  Does your heart race or do you gasp for breath when you realize there is a competition going on and you might be losing.  How about when it looks like you are winning.  Who are you happy for the person whose good news you are reading about or yourself if you have done better than that person?

What is more important the goal or the process.  Should you feel that if you have not published a number of books in your life time, you have not been successful,  or is it more important that you enjoyed writing the book and you were writing about something that you felt was important.

This is not always true in other countries where what you do is considered part of a group effort and the group’s goals are more important than the individual’s.  It is your contribution to that not your individual achievement of a personal goal that is important.

Worrying about how I am doing and comparing my accomplishments against some kind of scale can take the enjoyment out of life,  Back when I was a child, I remembering enjoying participating in a team sports even if I was not one of the best players and therefore, one of the first players picked .  There was always  an atmosphere of enthusiasm and excitement and a rush that continued after the game was over even if you didn’t win.

Competition can lead to creativity but I can remember getting so “high” doing a project that in the creation  of it that I lost rack of time and the need to satisfy the basic needs for such things as food and sleep.  I had no guarantee that I was going to win or fear that I was going to lose but I was inspired and so immersed in what I was doing that I forgot about anything else.

Being so competitive can lead to anxiety if you don’t always win at everything.  I used to have to win all the games at a bridal or baby shower. I had to have the only “A” in class.   I really wasn’t a good winner, let alone loser.

The “rush” to judgment I can still feel today if I don’t stop myself and ask myself why I am being so competitive.  Why can’t we all be the best that we can be still remembering that the end doesn’t always justify the means.. success-churchill-550x240

Consider children in a family, can the success of one to mean the failure of another?  Brains, beauty, physical abilities, is there only enough to go around for one person only in a family to be considered to have it.

Can there be only one daddy’s girl or mommy’s boy or grandpa or grandma’s favorite.  There is a shortage of something here.  Is there not enough admiration or love to go around?

Competition can sometimes lead to increased effort on the one hand and the other hand it can lead to decreased effort if there is not enough attention, pride, fame, and money to go around.  Have you ever given up at something because of this?  I didn’t realize until I got out of high school that beauty often comes from knowing what to wear and being able to do your hair and makeup and knowing you look good, and having the self confidence that comes from this.rp_KUWtK_titlecard.png

It also took lots of time and effort.  Creating the look, checking out what was in style, and finding it.  Also girls had power over one another in this area and those who were on top often stayed that way by making sure that other girls would lose their position at the top of the heap.

I found out that I could look good when for a special occasion I had my hair and makeup done and had on attractive, stylish clothes.  I also learned later in life that those girls who I thought had it made often were not as confident as I thought they were and often spent a lot of  time dieting, picking out  clothes, and doing their hair, makeup and nails to maintain their “look.”  Being constantly judged like this was stressful for them and they were not always as self-confident as I thought they were.

How We Think We Need To Climb On Other’s Backs To Get Ahead

succeess&failureDo we need to climb on other’s backs to get ahead?  Why do we have to put other people down in order to bring ourselves up?  Why does success for one person have to mean failure for another?  On top of this, is the relentous push by many people in society to keep other people in their place.  My successes were hardly ever celebrated, but that fueled my drive to achieve which usually meant that somebody else lost.  Why do we need to climb on other’s backs to get ahead? Why does someone have to lose for someone else to win?

Socially I was not that successful.  I was a member of the “out group” which was made possible by the fact that there was a “in group.”  I was also bullied by the kids on the bus.  They had a lot of fun at my expense.  What made it worse was that the bus driver ( a high school dropout) facilitated this which made it even worse for me.  The kids who were teasing me made him feel accepted by the high school crowd so he did not try to stop them and ignored my plight.  It was all based on the idea that someone has to be made fun of to make someone else feel good.

To top it all off, it is better even yet if other people are envious of you and covet what you have attained.  This takes us back to feudal times when there was the Lord and his serfs.  It took a lot of serfs to maintain the Lord’s domain.  Maybe that’s why “they” want to keep ordinary people down.

It is hard to be humble and self-effacing in a world where winners are celebrated and raised above the rest.  Why do we have to climb on other’s backs to get ahead?  The more each one of us succeeds, the more we can do for the rest.

 

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Success and Fear

the-greatest-barrier-in-success-is-the-fear-of-failureSuccess and fear.  Are they related?  How could you have one and the other as well.  Well, you can.  For example, if you are a success, it could mean that you will have to perform like a success.  If you are a success doing one thing, then you might be expected to be a success at doing other things as well.  If you are a success once, you might be expected to repeat it a second, a third, or a multitude of times.   If you are a success, you might be expected to look like a success, live like a success,etc.  If you are a success, you might be expected to be happy.  If you are a success then someone else might try to compete with you.  If you are a success then the competition increases it becomes more difficult to be a success.  If you are a success and then you fail, you might feel worse than if you had never succeeded at all.success-churchill-550x240

 

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What Happened to Your Potential?

self-esteem, groups and hate

self-esteem, groups and hate (Photo credit: Will Lion)

Did you ignore it or did others ignore it?  The best thing you can do for a child is encourage them, to see the potential in them.  Who saw the potential in you?  Did you imagine that you were someone important?  Did you design dresses, play major league ball, preach a fiery sermon, save a person‘s life?  What, if any, limits did you put on your imagination?  You were only playing, but in fact you were practicing for real life.  Maybe there wasn’t anything you thought you couldn’t do.  Where are you now?  Are you always saying to yourself, “I can’t do this,” “I can’t do that.”  “I’m a failure in life.”  Have you lost your self-respect or others’ self-respect?

Whose comments limited you?  Your own or someone else’s? A person’s self-esteem can be fragile and may make it difficult when it comes to supporting and acknowledging other peoples’ strengths.  Parents can actually be jealous of their own children and not recognize their accomplishments.  They may be threatened by what their child can potentially do that they think they can’t do or they may feel ignorant and unable to even comprehend what it is that the child wants to do or can do.  The same can be true of teachers in school and later in a child’s life, it can be true of bosses, supervisors, competitors, coworkers, friends or spouses.

Lack of support can be in the form of nonrecognition of accomplishments or “friendly” “humorous” putdowns.  People say, “You can’t take a joke,” when you don’t think something said about you is funny and/or your feelings are hurt by something said about you.  When you do do something successfully, it doesn’t seem to count.  The person or persons involved might indicate that doing something well in that particular area is useless and not worthwhile.  How many men want their sons to be good at some sport or to enter a certain profession and are unhappy with them if they don’t do these things even if they can do something else of importance in the world.  Often the unfulfilled expectations of a parent when they were growing up are expected to be filled by their children.  Parents may decide knowingly or unknowingly to live their lives through their children.

Children are sometimes not at all like their parents nor should they all be expected to be.  Having a child sometimes may be like planting a seed or seeds from an unknown plant that will grow up to be something important in its own right if given the right conditions and care.  When you plant it, you don’t know what it is supposed to be a vegetable, animal feed, a flower, or something else.  One person’s weed is another person’s flower.  What a shame when a rose is seen as a weed and uprooted and thrown away.

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Success is Scarey

anxiety

anxiety (Photo credit: FlickrJunkie)

Did you ever feel anxious, nervous, and vaguely uneasy when you should have been excited and happy?  Have you ever felt that if you succeeded, you couldn’t live up to other people’s expectations?  Did you ever say to yourself,”I was just lucky that time.”  Have you been fearful of success?  It can be just as anxiety arousing as failure.

Sometimes we are not very sure of ourselves when we do something new.   We fear that by doing so we leave ourselves open to criticism and very vulnerable.  In our minds, one critical comment can outweigh dozens of complementary ones.  One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever heard is to surround yourself with people who help build you up when beginning a new venture as most of us need this reassurance from others at this critical time in the development of a new enterprise.

Growing up our parents often felt we needed a critical balance between being encouraged to try new things and to develop our talents and being given constructive criticism to help us stay more realistic about what we can do and to keep us from catastrophic failure.  However, how many times did Abraham Lincoln fail before he succeeded?  How many scientists try many, many different variations of different variables before they make an amazing scientific discovery?

If we succeed, will we be able to live up to other people’s expectations?  Were we just a flash in the pan?  Do people really only have one best-selling novel in them?  Making it in this world does not usually involve just achieving one thing and then resting on your laurels.

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