Women, men? Does the need for security control your life? Are you afraid to fight with someone because it might end your relationship with them? Women, people who put you down, often the man in your life, often win a potential conflict with the first blow. If he or she is mad at me, it is all over. It is very convenient to make a complaint or even make an angry comment when asking about something you don’t like or understand.
Conflict seems to be more natural for men. They can almost fight one minute and be friends the next. It can get pretty brutal one day and the next they are back to being the best of buds. Many women are different making a denigrating comment to another woman can end a relationship forever. So how does a woman react when someone puts them down. If they are depending on the relationship for support and security, they go into emergency crisis mode and/or feel “knocked up beside the head” by someone they thought loved and appreciated them.
Women can take a lot of negative comments from a man in a relationship often things the man forgets about as it wasn’t that serious to him or the man didn’t even realize the woman took it seriously or so hard. Men are constantly jousting, jockeying for position, and they don’t even think that seeing things ( from this perspective) that it was taken seriously.
Take a trip this Christmas. It doesn’t matter where you go if you know you won’t have to do anything but enjoy the ride. That is what I am going to do when I take a Christmas shopping trip tomorrow. Somebody else is driving and I don’t have to worry about getting in and out of the vehicle and finding a parking space. We are going out to dinner and seeing Christmas lights. The most it will cost me is a small fee for the ride and whatever I decide to pay for my food at dinner. I have nothing in particular to get and I will be happy to get out and about no matter what stores we go to. It is out of my hands and I like it that way. There will be no drama as far as I am concerned as I don’t expect more than what I have described on this trip.
I leaving my worries and bills at home. My motto at home is ” what house gets kept I keep”; and I am sure the household chores that don’t get done before I go will be there waiting there for me when I get home. I will empty my mind and leave room to experience the gift of the present. I will not be concerned with whether or not I will make friends. . I just want to get along with the other passengers. I won’t be rude or crude. I don’t care which seat I get in the bus. I won’t fight over a window seat . I won’t try to take control of the group riding the bus and demand that they sing Christmas carols, the ones that I want to sing
I am going to let go and no matter what happens (even if it doesn’t make me deliriously happy) I am going to accept it and realize that the privilege of getting to go on the trip is enough and so is having a chance to to leave all my cares behind. Now your “trip” might not be my “trip”; but do it anyway. Just let go and do something with few expectations about what will happen. Give yourself a break. If possible, leave all or as many of your responsibilities behind as you can. You can always take them back up again when your “trip” ends.
Have a problem you can’t solve? Has somebody hurt you? Do you like to talk it over with a friend or friends? Do you want to share your frustration or hurt feelings. Do you think it will make you feel better if someone thinks or feels the same way you do?
A little coruminating can help but continuous airing of frustrations, bad news, or unrequited love can make you feel worse, especially for women. Depression can deepen and anxiety increase and you can even drive away friends with your constant texting or late night phone calls.
Pathways can be reinforced in our brains and associated feelings can be intensified with constant musings and repetitious ventilating. Going over and over a problem for which there is no current solution or recourse is frustrating both for you and the person you are sharing it with. It may even make it worse leaving you unable to recognize a solution or change in the situation when it happens.
Sometimes you can create a time table suggesting when you should try to solve the problem again or when you really should worry because you haven’t heard from someone. In the mean time take a break and encourage yourself not to do anything rash or jump to conclusions.
For example, being called to jury duty may throw a wrench in your monkey works if you are sequestered in a jury on long infamous trial but you might get excused from jury duty before you even have to report because of something that you didn’t know would excuse you from serving in the first place or after you get called in for the jury selection for a trial.
There is one thing that I usually say to myself when I start worrying about something that might happen or have happened and that is usually when something bad happens, I don’t expect it so if I am worrying that it has, it probably hasn’t happened.
Enjoy yourself. It is later than you think. Excuse yourself from ruminating about something especially when you don’t have all the information and won’t have it for a while. Yes, be ready when the time comes to do something about it. It is a lot easier to prepare for something and make plans for when something happens when you’re not worried about it and can think rationally.
Is your thinking sometimes counterproductive? Do you think the same old thing over and over and it doesn’t do a thing for you or your situation? Do your thoughts often block your creativity and productivity? How often do you think to yourself, “I can’t so why even try?” It always keeps you from doing anything about it.
Counterproductive thinking often keeps one from thinking out of the box which is sometimes necessary to think of a solution. Creativity is what it is all about. Instead of thinking of one solution (even if tried and true) for a problem, think of many even if they don’t all work out then you have “exercised” your creativity. I think the word is rigid for those who are stimmied when their planned for or go-to solution doesn’t work.
Some people have an incredibly difficult time changing gears when the first solution doesn’t work. I always say, “If not plan A, then plan B. If not plan B, then plan C and so on.” The world is not designed so that “one size” fits all situations. The brain continues to form new connections as long as you continue to use it. Grow with me Come share the excitement of a new ay of thinking, of possibility thinking.
Weddings are occasions when inevitably this type of problem occurs. There seems to be at least one snafu. The wrong wedding flowers arrive, the photographs don’t turn out, etc. You can grin and bear it or try another way. This ensures a happy occasion. The guests might even think that you planned it that way.
Handling your emotions can be difficult because their origins are in both your conscious and unconscious minds and even when you are aware in your conscious mind why you think you may be feeling a certain way, you may not be right. A lot of associations are made early in life before you even go to school. Many associations are being formed in the brain long before we can actually think and/or talk about them. Understanding why something happens is limited or if explanations are formed, they may not always be correct. This is why child abuse can be such a powerful influence on children. For example, a child may wrongly assume that there was something they did or thought that was the reason for the abuse. Children are very vulnerable and when there is no one there to protect them, they may feel deserted and frightened especially when they can’t help themselves.
Often as adults we feel that our feelings are caused by something “out there” and that justifies what we do in response to express or act out those feelings. Often that feeling that there is something out to get us stops us in our tracks and we becomes unrealistic in our thinking. We often think there is no way out and we are helpless. This is often a flashback to childhood when thinking that way was elicited by the fact that we did not have a lot of experience finding solutions to problems and did not feel very capable of solving our own problems. We were often in situations where we had to wait for help to come from outside ourself.
Say, “I think I can; I think I can”, like the Little Engine That Could instead of, “I can’t.” We aren’t helpless when we experience emotions. We just think we are. We are just under the influence of unconscious learned associations. Think before you react. Did somebody really hurt you or do you just think they did? You can learn to control yourself and to use your emotions instead of letting them use you.
Do you know how much time we waste dreaming up worst case scenarios that fuel our negativity? I do. I have a family member who does that and on top of it he/she still practices the false belief syndrome of adolescence (that he/she always will get a raw deal in life) even though he/she is past thirty years old. What you see is what you get. Have you ever stopped yourself from doing this? Have you ever thought for a moment and pictured a different scenario, one with a happy ending. How does the scenario in your head affect your behavior, do you think it might mess you up, make you more anxious or less anxious? Your view of whether you can succeed or not may control the amount of effort you put into something because you are thinking,”I won’t get it anyway?” Do you prepare less? Are you more careless with your responses?
Do we ever spend more time thinking or talking about how we would like something to be than about how we are afraid things might turn out creating more negativity? Occasionally we might play the game of spending a million dollars in our heads. Yes, we can have fun with that; but take it further. If something is broken imagine it fixed or even replaced or even better yet replaced by something even better.
We are forever putting what we call realistic limits on our imaginations. We think this is not creating negativity, this is thinking realistically. Did you ever do this as a child? No, the more fantastic the better. Didn’t you once think (like I did) that there were things in the White House that were so advanced and fabulous that even the rich and famous did not have them yet. I figured the president could have anything he or she wanted and he or she would be the first one to get one when a prototype was made.
Have you ever in a prayer asked God for something or for something even better (letting God, not you, put limits on what you have asked for)? There we are back in the cycle of negativity. I have personally experienced remodeling and adding on to a house and then picking out the perfect floor plan and specifics for the purchase of a double-wide. In the first case, I drew a lot of plans. One of which eventually became the basis for a new addition. In the other case, I collected a lot of brochures and looked at a lot of double-wides by different manufacturers. When I started doing both of these things, there had been no plans made to do either. Initially I was just “wishbooking” (a term for what people used to do when they first got their Sears-Roebuck catalogs).
In this economy, it sometimes seems hopeless to wish for the best possible thing to happen and then waste your time planning for it. It is easy to create negativity. “Ask and it shall be given you; seek and you shall find,” says the Bible. If you don’t know what you are looking for, how will you know when you get it? Women, would you let someone else plan your wedding without any of your recommendations and also not be able to make any of the decisions? Men, would you want to go on a hunting or fishing trip or a photographic safari without any control over where you will be going and what you will be doing?
Cross talk and mind chatter represent the clutter of the mind. Meditation developed my ability to clear my mind and turn off the conversations in my head. My mind is usually not totally blank when I do this. Especially when I am doing this while I am out and about. I am aware and am able to remain alert for necessary stimuli.
I thought I had mastered the art of diminishing or even stopping the crosstalk and mind chatter in my head. Then I realized that I was having a running commentary in my head as I was fixing myself some leftovers. Every time I performed a necessary action like turn on the microwave, I told myself to do it. I decided to experiment and go ahead and fix my bite to eat without having a conversation in my head with myself. Miracle, of miracles, I could do it.
Where did that habit involving cross talk and mind chatter come from? I usually don’t do that when I drive. Yes, I am aware of what I am doing and what I am going to do. Could it possibly be because there is less routine and more choices to be made when I am heating up something to eat? Does driving involve more habits?
Also there is another factor involved in what I do in the kitchen. I had to become more deliberate in my actions when I cooked and prepared something to eat. Things I used to do around the house without thinking, I now had to think about because I developed physical limitations that I hadn’t had before. I had to be careful how I did things and I had develop new ways of doing some things. I think that this comes under the category of do-it-yourself occupational therapy. To avoid an accident, hurting myself, or breaking or dropping something, I had to remind myself mentally to be more careful about doing some things.
Now that I have formed new habits in this area, it is about time for me to cut back on cross talk and mind chatter and “go it alone.” Now maybe I can get in a meditative state of mind around the house.
Doing things for others can backfire. If they didn’t do it for themselves and it doesn’t work, they can blame you. You can be a built-in scapegoat. You can start to be taken for granted.
Doing things for others can promote harmony. It is the middle child syndrome. You don’t want people to fight and maybe you can guess what compromise can work here. You spend more time thinking of what would please others and less or no time thinking about what you might want to do or have in the situation.
Doing for others all the time can lower instead of raise your self esteem. Have you lost all sense of what is truly right for you? For example, in a restaurant do you have trouble deciding what to order and you are the last one to order after everybody else has placed their orders. Then do you regret that you ordered whatever it was and that is proof that you don’t know what you want and you shouldn’t trust yourself to make those decisions.. Now you don’t enjoy your meal out.
Doing things for others can be rewarding if you make someone’s life a little easier when you could make it a little harder. Often in these situations it is at little or no cost to you. Spread a little joy. Speak up when you really want to do something you want to do anyway and contribute this to the decision-making process.
You may be the type of person who doesn’t want to rock the boat and negative feelings for you or for others can be very unsettling and you can get upset over somebody else getting upset. You might think it is worth it to do this just to have peace. Remember some very bad things have happened and no one who observes them happening does anything about it. Sometimes you have to speak out for yourself and/or others.
It may be easier in a family to just give in in order to get out the door so to speak. However, the people in the family who always get their way learn very little about how to compromise or share in any given situation. They find out later that people outside the family group don’t necessarily share their likes and dislikes and they don’t have the experience of other people speaking up for themselves. Finally such a person may be rejected by others outside the family because of his or her learned self-centered behavior.
Doing things for others can leave you out.