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Centerpointe Research

Monthly Archives: September 2012

Displaced Aggression

Have you ever been in a good mood and lost it when you came in contact with somebody in a bad mood?  With customer service jobs, this is a job hazard, which may not be addressed during job training.  Any job where you are the first person (and maybe the only person) with whom the public has contact in a business can be a virtual minefield.   An office administrator told me, she had a hard time keeping receptionists; because the people who worked in the office would expect the receptionist to deal with the persons who had appointments with them when they were running late or had to cancel an appointment at the last minute.  Sometimes these people would not even notify the receptionist that there was going to be a problem and people who showed up to see them found this out after they had arrived for the appointment.  You can guess what happened then.

I had a consulting job doing interviews for a government agency.  I was  not an employee of the agency.  I just saw the people whom they had scheduled for me to see and submitted a report to the agency.  Once I got close to being killed because of this.  The government agency’s contact with these people was often by phone and when they did see these people there were security guards present and security cameras on site.  This was not true when I saw the person and sometimes I was the only person with whom they had actual in person contact.  At the end of his interview with me, one guy told me he had planned to bring a gun to the interview, but somebody had talked him out of it.  This was after he had, during the interview, told about a situation where he had unsuccessfully stalked someone with a gun.

Nice Reception people at DICE in Stockholm

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Dating Mistakes

Have you ever been interested in someone romantically just because other people are  interested in them too?   Maybe you have been allowing other people to do your thinking for you?  This is often true when people are  in school where, for example, people like athletes and cheerleaders are popular.  Would you have gone with someone like that just because everybody else wanted to date them and they were considered to be hot?  Would you have gone with them even if you really didn’t know anything about them?  Would you be surprised to find out later that you didn’t share the same values or goals?

Have you ever gone out with somebody just because they were available?   Have you ever dated just to date?  How serious were you about the other person?   Who devalued who by doing this?  Of course you might have been mistaken about this person and  found out that this person (after you went out with him or her) was a person you really wanted to date again.  Some times by going out with people just because we want a date teaches us something else good if our judgment wasn’t too bad in the first place and we didn’t end  up being hurt.  What we learn out of a bad date is what type of person we don’t want to be involved with in the future.  Many people with low self esteem think that a date with anybody is better than no date at all.   This choice could end  up badly with  a serious consequence like  date rape

 

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Wrong Reasons for Getting Together

Most people learn how to date and how to get married by making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.  Establishing some guidelines would keep people from making so many mistakes ( some of which can be costly).  One mistake is thinking that you have to have a girlfriend or boyfriend and/or get married by a certain age.  Another is thinking that if someone asks you out or to marry them that you should say yes because you may not get another chance or the fear that no one else will ask you and you should take what you can get.  Not everyone has such low self esteem as to feel that way; but there are some people who may decide to get married because they don’t want to live on their own.  These people know that they can’t stay with mom and dad forever and they need to find someone to live with and take care of them for the rest of their lives.  If children were encouraged to live on their own for awhile after they finished school, to find a job to support themselves, and to move out of their family home into an apartment or house of their own, they might be better prepared for to be in a relationship or marriage when they did decide to make a home of their own.  Women used  to solve the question of what to do for the rest of their lives by getting married and becoming housewives.  At that time a lot of marriages took place right after women graduated from high school or college as school was considered a good place to find a mate.  Some people use marriage ( often aided by an accidental  pregnancy) to escape from one bad situation (usually a bad home life) into what is also another bad situation.  Knowing how to take care of yourself and waiting for the right person, not just anyone who presents themselves, makes the most sense.  Having a living together arrangement instead of a marriage leads to making the same or worse mistakes as getting married; because people often make the decision to live together much earlier in the relationship than they would make the decision to get married. How many people do you know that have said that right after they met so and so they moved in together? Few people marry someone just after meeting them, but they will live together.

Marriage in America in 2010

Marriage in America in 2010 (Photo credit: GEEKSTATS)

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Adjusting to Life as We Mature

Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity (Photo credit: gever tulley)

In my opinion, there is no unhappier person than one who can’t handle changes and (to go along with this) who can’t make timely decisions.  There is time when we get older when we should makes some decisions about our life which then would lead to changes.   It is good to know what you like but this shouldn’t  keep you from trying new things.  Children experience new things all the time and change what they do because of this.  There is no time limit on this as the brain keeps changing as we learn new things.  In science, this is called neuroplasticity.

Jane Fonda in her book, Prime Time, talks about doing a life history as a way of  seeing ourselves in a new way.  It shows what paths we took and where they led us.  Then we can decide if we want to make changes in our life.  For example, a woman discovers that she has always needed a man in her life (she has not felt self-sufficient) and she has gone from one relationship to another adjusting the way she acts and sometimes thinks to be a better fit in each new relationship and has lost her real self along the way.

If you bend, you might not break.  No one can count on everything going their way even if they know they are right and that’s the way it should be.  We can have comfortable routines but if we can not keep them,  we shouldn’t explode with negative affect like anger, tears, nd/or even rage.

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“Where Am I In Life?

New Life Ranch in Colcord, Oklahoma

There comes a time in everyone’s life that can make a difference.  Too often we are rushing around making a living, raising our kids or grand kids, doing household chores, and having a social life with friends, a church,  other organizations, and/or extended family.  It is time to remember what we had wanted to do with our life and make some choices about it based on our experiences with life.  It is never too early or too late to do this.

Too often we get penned in by decisions (especially when we are younger) which were made for us by somebody else.  Some we may have out grown.  We may have made choices as a young adult based on what we knew then about ourselves and life which no longer fit us based on what we know now.   Some big decisions people make  early in life are such things as marrying someone or locking themselves into a certain vocational goal which involves a long-term commitment.

Of course there are some decisions in life that are difficult or impossible to change.  Having children is one of those kind of decisions.  But now that we are living longer, we can pursue some things in life that we put off pursuing earlier in life.  Also so often we settle for something when we think we can’t get what we really want.   For example,  we take a job that we know down deep underneath is not the right fit for us because we need to make a living and/or we can’t move because of obligations.

For many of us, early in our lives, we are taught what we should think, what we should do, and often what we should feel.  If we don’t escape this influence, we may never know who we really are.  I am not encouraging you to throw out the baby with the bath water; but you should take a look at what you have been led to believe and evaluate it based on your own experiences with life.  As far as I am concerned, things that I have been taught have turned out to be both good and bad guidelines for my life.  What works for one person may or may not work for another.

 

 

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Negative Thoughts are Like Mosquitoes

Your Childs Self Esteem

Your Childs Self Esteem (Photo credit: ouvyt)

Negative thoughts swarm around you taking bites out of your confidence and self-esteem and preventing you from achieving success.  Thoughts like: “What makes you think people will like that?”  “Money is evil.”   “There is someone out there doing that already.  What makes you think you can do it too?”  “You’re not that smart or talented.”  It could go on for ever.  Where does it come from?  It comes from the unconscious where it hides until it comes out when it can do you the most harm.

We are born with little or no knowledge about ourselves and abilities so we often believe and incorporate into our identity the things that people tell us about ourselves such as,  “If you keep on doing that you are going to end up in jail,”  “Guys don’t make passes at gals who wear glasses,”  or “You’ll never learn to read (or swim or get married).”  “You’ll never get higher than a “B” in college,” which was one of mine, and I never got lower than a “B” in college.

What we think that we know about our world, other people,  many groups, and different religions etc. comes from what  we are exposed to as a child.  We may develop prejudices because of this.  This is opening an old womb; but what was said about African Americans before civil rights were established?  or even the Japanese Americans until after  World War II.   Negative thoughts like these  buzzing around in our heads prevent  us from being successful in our interaction with and understanding of others.

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Imagination is a Wonderful Tool

creativity

creativity (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Imagination is a wonderful tool.  It enables you to use your senses creatively.  Children appear to develop imagination naturally.  Observing toddlers (the ones I observe are between one and two years of age),  I  see incidents where they use their imaginations in play.  One I see most frequently is talking on a phone, toy or real.  They imitate what they see and hear almost instinctively.  Imaginary play could be called a learning tool of childhood.

When creating something, use your imagination.  Take the limits off of what you create.  Generate a lot of ideas, let them sit and come back later to evaluate and tweak them.  Avoid criticism at first.  You are just seeing how many ideas you can generate even if some of them seem impractical or down right stupid.  As a child, I used to create winning poppy posters for a veteran’s association by drawing as many possible posters as I could think of without inhibiting myself by thinking about whether they were good or bad.  Eventually one of them would stand out and I would make that one.   I also paid attention to what I could  do to the poster to attract other people’s attention.    Of course this mainly involved the sense of sight.  For example, my posters were often 3D.

Day dream and use as many of your senses as possible.  This will ultimately lead to the solution of a problem that not only meets your current needs, but also meets unforeseen future needs. Often we don’t think about something we want because we are afraid we might not get and it will break our heart. Actually it is more likely to make it happen. You generate ideas this way and ultimately one may lead to something that works.

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Usefulness of Relaxation Instructions in Hypnosis

Hypnosis

Hypnosis (Photo credit: zoomar)

Hypnosis can be very useful.  The simplest thing that it can help with is relaxation.  Usually relaxation suggestions are part of the induction used for hypnosis.  They are usually found in audio downloads for beginning hypnotic inductions.  Depending on the skill of the hypnotist, they can be very useful or not much help.  When the person being hypnotized is not in the presence of the hypnotist, such suggestions are not as useful.  This is why auditory recordings may not be very effective.  They can be more effective if the recording is done during an actual session that the person using the recording had earlier with the hypnotist.  They can be the most effective if the person being induced is in the presence of the hypnotist so his or her response to the suggestions can be observed by the hypnotist and the instructions adjusted in response to them.  Sometimes the hypnotist may go into a trance too while inducing a trance in someone else.  When this occurs, it is best if the hypnotist is a very experienced hypnotist and knowledgeable about what can happen in a trance and how to handle anything that transpires in a trance.

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Homesick

How do (adult) children ever leave home? I’ve been wondering. If they have had a good childhood, why give up a sure thing? Food, clothing, a place to live, maybe the use of a car. Add to this unconditional love and they should never leave home. Not true.

Is it harder for girls than boys. When they get married whose life style do they adopt? usually the husband’s. I’ve done this twice. The second one involved the most change and commitment. This was the greatest when we started our own family.

When you make your own family, when do you start to get homesick for it instead of your family of origin? Or do you ever? It seems to depend on whether you also have community and friend support besides your current new family. In-laws too can make this easy or hard depending on how welcoming they are to their new family member.

It may also depend on how a person handles change. Living nearby family in the old neighborhood and going into your family’s business or occupation involves less change and usually less loss. Is it hard to get homesick when you can go home any time or maybe yet when you never leave it.

The fewer changes you have to make in life usually the easier it is. For example the drive to work or town may seem shorter and you almost can do it without thinking after you have made the trip many times. When you have a routine, it involves little or no changes after you get it established, it makes life easier.

Going away to school or into the military or even to camp when you are small, can elicit homesickness. With a change of environment, nothing may feel familiar. That’s why care packages from home are frequently well received. You initially may not know any of the people you live with. The food may be different as well as the sleeping arrangements. Sometimes there are even rules limiting contact from home and you are living with strangers.

Different people adapt to changes differently. If you have been around an infant or toddler, you may have noticed how much some of them need a routine while others can sleep anywhere and/or adjust easily to a new caregiver. It may take some people three years to buy a new car. I know of one.

It is usually important to dwell in a place where you have feelings of safety and security. This serves a good purpose. A person can not always be on the look out for danger especially when they are asleep. Homesickness thus serves a good purpose, it initially evolved to keep us safe.

What We See in Others Is What We Often Deny in Ourselves

We spend a lot of time observing others and making conclusions about them. These are often useful in helping us to predict the behavior of others. For example, we might decide that a person is honest or dishonest especially after we catch them in a lie. What we often don’t see is how these judgments of others reflect what we don’t want to see in ourselves. Perceiving that another person has a problem often occurs because we’re afraid that we might have that problem too. How we see others is very revealing as to what we might be unconsciously afraid of others seeing in us.

It is usually very uncomfortable to see that what we see as wrong in others actually exists in ourselves. The mind works in strange and mysterious ways. Don’t look at me; look at him (or her). Knowing yourself well prevents any unpleasant surprises; but it can be a painful process and you can feel very vulnerable doing this. What do I see in others that I don’t want to see in myself.

Once you start evaluating your possible prejudices, you can get a clearer picture of what scares you about yourself. The more honest you are with yourself, the better your self esteem can be because a person with good self esteem is aware of both the good attributes that they have and the bad. There are fewer surprises for a person with this kind of high self esteem. They can do more of what they find is good and less of what is bad.

A person with low self esteem can appear two different ways. One way is when a person can’t perceive anything good about him or her self which is the way people with low self esteem usually appear. Another way (which I call defensive high self esteem but which actually is a form of low self esteem) occurs when people perceive themselves as having no faults and they usually focus on their successes and other people’s failures. Their judgments of others reveal quite a bit about themselves and what they unconsciously fear might be wrong with themselves which they usually deny.
Think about what you might reveal about yourself and your self esteem before you act this way.

It is very difficult to avoid revealing yourself in this way as you think you are not talking about yourself, you are talking about someone else. You may be indulging in a little gossip about what other people do that is disgusting, stupid, or down right evil; but it is difficult to do this without revealing as well what you fear might be wrong with you.