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Monthly Archives: January 2013

Don’t Let It Go to Your Head!

Cover of How to Make Good Decisions and Be Rig...

Cover of How to Make Good Decisions and Be Right All the Time (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People are put into positions of leadership sometimes for all the wrong reasons.  It can be who they know or are related to.  It can be only because they have a degree.  There has been a lot of comment from the military about the creation of officers from college graduates in the past with little or no military experience.  Even if they have come up through the ranks or have on the job experience, they may not be natural born leaders.  Some people think that just because they get the job title of supervisor that means they know how to be bosses and they often make the mistake of prematurely making decisions about the business before they know what they are doing.  They are often eager to impress on the people under them that they are the boss and can make all the decisions.

Often the decisions are made with little knowledge about the workplace.  The people actually doing the job may have  the most experience and frequently might know what works and doesn’t work.  New bosses are frequently insecure and are afraid if they rely on the people under them for advice that this will make them appear weak.  In order to strengthen their new positions, new bosses decide to make a lot of changes.  They may think that they were put in charge because the old system of doing things was not working and that some major changes need to be made.  Things need to be shook up a little.  The other thought that they might have is that the employees need to be shown who’s boss now and what better way to do it than making some unpopular but needed (from the new bosses premature point of view) changes.    They might throw out the baby with the bath water.

Hiring and promoting people into leadership positions should be done thoughtfully and with as much knowledge as one can get about what makes a good boss and how good business decisions are made.

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Abuse, the Controlling of Others

Abuse

Abuse (Photo credit: Ex-InTransit)

Three people in chains, probably somewhere in ...
Three people in chains, probably somewhere in East-Africa. The total number of slaves in early twentieth-century Ethiopia is estimated at between 2 and 4 million in a total population of about 11 million. “#v=onepage&q=&f=false Women and Slavery: Africa, the Indian Ocean world, and the medieval north Atlantic”. Gwyn Campbell, Suzanne Miers, Joseph Calder Miller (2007). Ohio University Press. p.219. ISBN 082141724X (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To me, the slavery of the mind, body, and soul of others is the core belief of abuse.  If I control you, I control all parts of you. Nothing that’s yours can escape me.  The abuser is a dictator, a slave owner, a sovereign ruler.  Perhaps even a god.

In spouse abuse, It’s usually the husband who controls, not only what the wife does or says, but also whom she associates with, her family and friends.  In order to do this, the abuser isolates the victim and controls what assets the victim has access to if any.  Usually the abuser is not satisfied with just controlling these things, but also the abuser wants to control the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of the victim.

Associated with the abuse is also a sense of low or zero self-worth on the part of the victim.  The victim also has no rights and the victim depends on the abuser to meet his or her basic needs.  Even what the needs are is often dictated by the abuser.  If there are children involved (and there usually is), their ownership reverts to the abuser not the victim.

Thus it is difficult for the victim to get away from the abuser since the victim has little or no resources and often does not feel that he or she is strong enough to survive on their own.

 

 

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Watch What You Say.

Mother-Teresa-collage

Mother-Teresa-collage (Photo credit: Peta-de-Aztlan)

English: Helen Keller. Français : Helen Keller.

English: Helen Keller. Français : Helen Keller. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Albert Einstein Français : portrait d...
English: Albert Einstein Français : portrait d’Albert Einstein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People can say the darnedest things.  Some peoples’ mouths should have a shut off valve which operates before they say hurtful things.  These are usually comments by people who think they know what they are talking about, but really don’t.  Not that I haven’t done this myself.  I used to make comments about peoples’ interior decorating abilities forgetting that while I didn’t like what they did, they probably did.

I have also been the victim of such comments.  Let me tell you it hurts.  A comment about my child rearing abilities was made when I was trying to corral a baby, a toddler, and a preschooler by myself.  What can you do if you see such a problem, offer help, not criticism.  Suggestions are also fair game.  If somebody is having a problem, it probably is because they don’t have a ready solution.  This is a good place for grandparents to concentrate their efforts instead of on fault finding.

Anybody can identify or create problems, but not everybody can solve them.  Who are the greatest people in the world?  Not the critics, but the problem solvers.  More of us could become problem solvers rather than critics if we would just focus on finding solutions and not on finding faults.  Albert EinsteinMother TeresaHelen Keller.  Gandhi.  How do you write your name in history?  By getting something done and by not constantly complaining that something isn’t done.

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Do What You Say You Will Do!

Parenting

Parenting (Photo credit: Leonid Mamchenkov)

Be consistent.  Do what you say you will do.  This is not only helpful in disciplining and raising children but it helps you to fulfill your own resolutions that you make for yourself.  Also doing so will make you consider more carefully what you say you will do because you are actually going to follow through on what it is that you are threatening that you are going to do.  It will lead you to being more circumspect in terms of the rewards and punishments you are promising yourself or someone else for failure to do or not do something.

Children appreciate orderliness and consistency.  As an adult when you do this, you find that your life goes smoother and is more predictable.

Cover of Parenting

Cover of Parenting (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Who’s Defensive?

Are you open minded or do you frequently deny that the problem might be with you and not someone else.  In The Games People Play, there is a game called, “Why don’t you, yes, but.”   It happens when someone comes with a problem to be solved and rejects every possible solution the therapist proposes.  I suspect that to be seen as having such a problem and having it be your fault is unacceptable.  The person can maintain this attitude even after receiving disastrous feedback, numerous times.

The behavior that is involved is often so crucial to the person’s functioning that they can’t do without it.  For example, other people see the person’s inappropriate behavior and comments as offensive, but he or she continues to feel that the problem is that the other person can not take a joke or a friendly flirtation.  This is a frustrating situation for all involved.  The person receiving the comments is obviously very uncomfortable and may stop interacting with the person who gives them while the person who gives them claims to be mystified as to why the relationship was ended when they were just being friendly.

The solution to this situation involves some dearly needed problem solving on the person’s part who does not recognize that they need to change their behavior in these interactions which end so unsatisfactorily.  Obviously they are lacking in some social skills.  They have a problem seeing the real impact that their behavior has on others.  Thus they see no need to change their behavior in these situations.

games people play

games people play (Photo credit: girlguyed)

 

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Please Don’t Ignore Me

English: Ewe and lambs at Derwen "If we i...

English: Ewe and lambs at Derwen "If we ignore him perhaps he'll go away!" (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please don’t ignore me.  Acknowledge that I am here.  You can be lonely in a crowd or happy with your own company.  There are so many people in the world and you are part of it.  You can be forgotten in a moment and lost in a crowd.  You can be one with nature and fly with the clouds.  Be aware that other people exist and they will be aware that you exist.

You can be self-centered and only your world exists.  People get in your way and are only of use to you when you want something from them, often it is only an audience that you want.  You have a mutual admiration society always with you: me, myself, and I.  Taking advantage of the someone else’s point of view can magnify your experience of the world.  You don’t know what you are missing until you tune in to somebody else.

Ignore me and you ignore you at some other place and time.  I am a mirror of you and your reflection as seen in me is startlingly evident if you just pay attention.  Please don’t ignore me.  I won’t ignore you.

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Good Vibrations

Problem Solving

Problem Solving (Photo credit: Ken Whytock)

TRIZ process for creative problem solving
TRIZ process for creative problem solving (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Good emotions bring good vibrations and bad emotions have bad vibrations.  If vibrations effect you as some people say,  what are you doing to yourself and others?  How much of the news is good?  How much is bad?  When you talk about other people  is it mostly to complain or find fault.  When and if you pray is it about gratitude for something or lack of something?

Modern psychotherapy places much emphasis on changing the way you think and what you think about.  Formerly psychotherapy often concentrated on what bad things had happened to you in the past and how they effected you in the present.  Focusing on the bad things can at least make you a “bore”.  It may make friends and family avoid you and may even make things worse.  They are not written in stone and should be seen as something to move past and maybe even to change.

Thinking about the solution rather than the problem makes more sense.  Perhaps you were abused as a child.  Does thinking about it over and over change it?  How often do you say, “I can’t”, and stay stuck in the problem and not the solution.  Do not do what was done to you.  Encourage problem solving in children at home, at work, or away from home.

Besides learning problem solving skills, you also can increase the amount of time that you think about good things.  Where did that imagination go that you had as a child?  You were able to imagine all sorts of wonderful things.  How fast in your mind can you get to that perfect getaway spot and experience it in as many ways as possible using all of your senses?  Having good vibrations is a good change from having constant bad vibrations.

Last, but not least is humor.  We can all take a joke if it is not mean.  Cancer patients may benefit from laughter and some have concentrated on watching funny movies as part of their battle against cancer.

 

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Misplaced Anger

English: A metaphorical visualization of the w...

English: A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We think we can’t be angry and take it out on the real cause of our anger so we displace it onto something else.  Often we do this without thinking.  Have you ever kicked a waste can, a dog, or even a car when something goes wrong.  How often has a spouse taken the brunt of the abuse when the real target is not available.  Misplaced anger can be dangerous.  What about all the mass murders of innocent children and adults?

How often are we taught what to do with our anger or other feelings when we can’t express them directly?  Emotions are powerful and are often the motivation behind our behavior.  How often have we been told it is not appropriate to express our feelings?  Men shouldn’t cry and people shouldn’t express grief because it makes other people uncomfortable.  We can be fired without reason from a job and we are expected to meekly accept this and not cause a fuss.  All these unexpressed emotions can build up and cause unfortunate results.  They create stress and stress does terrible things to our body.

Expressing anger indirectly can cause a chain reaction especially if there is a pecking order which determines who can get mad at who.  People in power use it to make sure that if they are the blame for something, they don’t get punished for it.  Some people actually get paid for taking complaints from other people about a product or service and these jobs can sometimes only be held by desperate people who can’t find anything else to do.

 

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The God Complex

)”]Miley Cyrus - Wonder WorldDo you have the god complex or the reverse god complex?  Wait a minute.  You are neither the 7th wonder of the world nor are you the greatest loser of all time.  Disappointing isn’t it?  People usually think that they are either one or the other.  One creates egotistical pride and the other generates profound self-pity.  Either way you think you perceive of yourself as having more of something than anyone else.  Is life a competition?  Are there winners and losers?

The only competition is actually with yourself, to be the best person you can be.  What do you have to work with?  Who do you have to work with?  You, only you.  What can you change for sure?  You, only you.  Who puts limits on you and the amount you can change?  You, only you.

Yes, we all have different gifts enabling us to grow in different directions.  What determines how much we can change, the limits we put on ourselves.  When do we stop changing, when we stop ourselves.  When do we stop growing up?  Never!   What stops us from growing up?  Only our own self-imposed limits.  I can’t do this or I can’t do that.  I’m too old.  I’m too young.  I have no money.  I can’t give this or that up.  I’m not smart enough.

 

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What Would You Do?

What would you do if every interaction was recorded and available to be replayed and examined by you at a later date.  What would you do if you knew you were going to be shown the consequences of all of your behavior to be judged by you or someone else?  What would you do if the people that came into your life each day were not just ordinary people, but were sent to test you?  What would you do if that the interactions that you were involved in each day were not as inconsequential as you believed them to be?  What if somebody was keeping score or if the people that are sent into your life were sent there for a purpose?  What would that purpose be?

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