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Monthly Archives: March 2019

Shame. Blame–How To Play The Game, Not Be Played

She might be afraid of being shamed.

Do you let others make you feel bad when you have done nothing? When someone shames you, it is easy to not handle it well. It usually morphs into the blame game. You either accept the shame and blame yourself for doing something wrong or you blame the person for shaming you. As a result, it is very difficult for anyone to do something constructive. The person blaming you doesn’t gain any other perspective on the situation or you cower in a hole and don’t peek out for several days being afraid that someone else might find the same thing wrong with you. If there are witnesses to the shaming, they might even join in and make it worse. That happens more often than one would think. In my mind’s eye, I see a swarm of such people joining in with their comments just like people in olden times would pick up stones and join in stoning someone to death. Rarely, occasionally someone might feel bad later about their cowardly act and apologize. It happened once to me and it did make me feel less like leaving the church where this had happened.

Shame, shame on you, not on me is the way the game is played. Women tend to do this more than men. In my eyes, men just pass on malicious gossip without fact-checking. Sounds like many of the prominent newspapers and television stations these days doesn’t it. I don’t know how many women I have heard have been adulterous and also many men from other men. But only the women, not the men, have been looked down on for this. Curiously occasionally it has been women I know and like?

How constructive is shaming? Does it change behavior or not?
And often the only women that get shamed are the ones it upsets. How easy is it to focus on changing something when you feel so rotten, hopeless, and unable to change. Is it something you have been working on that you get shamed for? Do you then feel helpless in being able to change such things? Do the shamers instinctively know what would hurt you the most? Do they know that you have been working on something and trying to change? Do they catch you in an unguarded moment when you goof and do it again or do they find you in a bad moment with unruly kids? Does it really make them feel better and you worse? It sometimes goes so far as to become a feeling of pride that they are not like you and often they think that they have never been like you. What kind of human beings are they? Should they feel ashamed? instead!

The best way to avoid being shamed is to leave the situation even if she, he, or they say it is for your own good. This usually means that something NO GOOD is going to happen instead. Helpful people are not that hurtful. You can handle people you don’t know by watching out for someone approaching you with that “look” on their face. The “Better than thou” one. I avoid women who are extremely well dressed (this goes for younger people, but their fashion style is different) and it is obvious the that person or those persons are coming for you. Give them a lot of space and disappear. Don’t volunteer to accept criticism.

Ok, say you have a contagious disease if you have to. Say you have to go to the bathroom and don’t come back. Also don’t really go to the bathroom because they can trap you in there. This won’t work if they decide to come with you and it has several stalls. I guess then you could say you are extremely shy and hide in your stall until they leave. Or you could say you have to poop and you think you might have diarrhea (and you know how that stinks).

Often underneath it all blamers may be projecting on to you their own fears and inadequacies. When they blame someone else, it can be very revealing. Men who accuse their wives of having sex with other men can probably be having sex with other woman themselves.

How People Try To Control Others When They Can’t Control Themselves

What do you think?  Are you in control of yourself?  Big job, isn’t it?  Do you have some habits that take control?  Eating?  Sleeping?  Golf? Watching sports?  Hunting?  Not controlling your temper? Hogging the electronics or the laptop?  Being unavailable for conversation or socialization because of this?  Gossiping? Seeing others as sexually promiscuous?  Perceiving others as using too much foul language?  But not yourself?

Do you have someone bossy in your family that almost always gets their way and others often agree to do what they want in order to keep the peace?  It is an interesting idea to see these people as not in control of themselves and to consider the idea that they either don’t know it or they don’t admit it?

Golly, there is so much to control as an everyday human and things can get out of control real fast like addictions, laziness, focusing solely on one’s career and letting other things like socialization go.  Do we try to control others because we can’t or won’t control our own selves?

The Bible says to get the pebble out of your own eye before trying to get rid of one in someone else’s eye. I grew up with a very controlling and complaining parent.  We never talked about what he or she did wrong, just what was wrong with others.  Gee, this person is starting to look like a saint.  As a Christian why would one require salvation if they never did anything wrong, just other people?

Remember whatever you might complain about in another person might be something actually that you have little control of in yourself.  Beware the biggest controller might not be the other person; it might be you.  My controlling parent actually kept on trying to control me after I had gone on to graduate school, gotten married, and moved away from home.  I feel that person could have pulled food out of my mouth if he or she thought it wasn’t good for me to eat.

The worst conflict that we had was when I made the decision to get a divorce from my first husband.  When I told this parent this, it was all about how the divorce would make this parent look and how it made this parent feel.  I received no support from this parent and I cried so hard that I had to go into the shower and turn it on to drown out the sound of my crying and wash away my tears.

Then when things got tough in my second marriage, this parent was more concerned that I might move back home with the children and become dependent on this parent than this parent was concerned with how I would cope with them if I had to do this. Then I realized that this parent again was more concerned about herself than she was about me.

Learning to control yourself is a life long process and most people? might never accomplish this. Sometimes it is easier to just control others and how they effect you than it is to work on controlling yourself first. Manipulating others sometimes comes easier to do than taking charge of yourself and what you tend to do unbridled.