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Monthly Archives: April 2019

Secrets of My Childhood

I think that you are thinking that I will talk about my abuse as a child again. Gossip was for adults and we children were supposed to leave the room unless there was no place else to go and then we children learned something.. There were many words that described concepts that we weren’t supposed to know about or understand like war, rape, divorce.

Sex was to remain a secret until you were married unless there was something your parents had to prepare you for like menstruation or buy you special clothing for like jock straps and bras, erections, and ejaculation and then they usually took you by surprise. Then came secrets like prostitution, homosexuality and being gay. Finally, the secrets were about usually (married) affairs. Sexual abuse wasn’t known then and therefore not detected just accepted especially in families where this was a way of life, brothers and sisters, uncles and nieces, next door neighbors and young boys. Secrecy promoted this type of behavior because it was kept in the dark where it often happened. Thus some children became afraid of the dark.

Money often remained a secret until you grew up. You might earn money babysitting or delivering newspapers or have an allowance. These were somethings you couldn’t negotiate, just accept. Bills were secretly argued over. Loans and mortgages were scary things and nobody knew what your dad’s salary was usually except him, maybe your mom, and his boss. If there was a budget at all, you wouldn’t know about it unless it was something like this. When your parents said, “This won’t” fit in our budget. When college came. It was either we can afford it or we can’t afford it and once you got there you might notice that some students had more money to spend on snacks, clothes, and maybe a car. Also, those with more money were often in sororities and frats and lived in sororities and frat houses. I learned my randomly chosen roommate my freshman year had money because she had matched sets of bras and panties in different colors.
What’s it like now?

War and political conflict was another type of secret. I would read these familiar words in the newspapers when I was nine or ten but I didn’t understand them I knew they were bad like the Korean War was but all I knew was that they were bad and I wanted them to be over. Things like wars cast a dark shadow over my life. I knew it was bad for us but I didn’t understand it and I was glad when it was over. I was lucky almost no one in my family participated in either of these wars when I was a child. I didn’t understand, who, what for, why, or how. I just knew it was bad and again it created a dark cloud hanging over my life and I wanted it to be over.

Obviously, there were a lot of best-kept secrets during the war (WWII and possibly the Koran War). “Loose lips sink ships.” Turning off lights at nite so the enemy couldn’t see our towns and highways from the air. Not getting war news until after the fact. Doesn’t seem to happen now, but it does make sense. I remember the news breaks at the movie theater. There was no TV just radio. Before that it was postcards. Telephones and electricity weren’t installed everywhere.

Finally, all I knew at that time was that I wasn’t to keep secrets although others were keeping them from me. The first thing that I learned to do about this was to listen at the cold air radiators in the floor of our house or I just perked up my ears in my room as my parents often talked things over in their bedroom next to me or sat down at the kitchen table which was just down the hall. I knew more than they thought I knew. I learned the scary details about our finances like when my Dad co-signed a loan so his younger brother could run a gas station. Then it failed and his brother sold off the stock and spent the money leaving my dad and his older brother holding the bag.

I learned to keep secrets when I consistently got into trouble in grade school and did not give my parents the notes my teachers wrote and sent home from school. I learned my parents were not very sympathetic and kept my worries and troubles to myself. When I got older my girlfriend and I giggled when we kept secrets from my grandfather when we were in the backseat of his car and he was taking us someplace. We thought our silly secrets were fun. We didn’t know that much then.

Do we keep so many secrets from our children now? Maybe they know too much and begin to worry a lot more at a younger age than in the past. Sometimes us adults get so much news, that we can’t think of anything else. Just like surprise parties some things are best when they are kept secret until the proper moment.

When It Should Be Shame On You, It Ends Up Being Shame On Me. The Story Of Sexual Abuse

(Published in possibly rough form because this information must get out there!) How many lesbians and Gays are considered to be to blame for their unacceptable sexual preferences? Most. How many sexual abuse victims are considered to be trouble-makers? This especially when sexual abusers (and their friends and family defend them) defend themselves. It is difficult to recover from sexual abuse when it messes up your sexual identity and/ or may permanently keep you from being able to get satisfaction from normal sexual intercourse.

How many victims think it is their fault not the fault of any abuse? How many are told that if they can not get aroused or come to an orgasm that they are at fault? How many cooperate with sexual intercourse and/ or fake an orgasm. How many go ahead and make the other person happy when they get little or nothing out of the interaction? Are they afraid that if they admit that something is wrong that they will be considered useless and their partner will go on to find somebody else that can do better? How many go through it anyway to produce something useful, a child?

If the abuse does come out. Denial is prevalent and confusing to the sexual abuse victim. Who did what to me? When. Details are often covered up. The abused winds up in pain and misery but they often don’t know why. As is usual if a person has a “fault” like impotence then people assume that that person has something wrong with them. How many sexual abusers want to be helpful and teach a child how to have sex.

How is it to be one of those? Learning to masturbate early by running the water in the tub. Being afraid of sleeping in the dark or sleeping alone? Having your mother tuck you as a child in bed so tight that you can’t move. Having to sleep at night with a light on or with your head under the pillow? Having a favorite fantasy to which you masturbate by rubbing your self with something that is so unusual you don’t know where it came from. You hide it because other people would make fun of you or punish you for it.

Fears and low self-esteem can be the result of sexual abuse. Feeling at fault for things is also true of sexual abuse victims. Sexual abusers spread a sickness that can be life long and get worse over time as the victim cannot find a cause or cure for it and it becomes a secret shame.

Sexual abusers can find a lot of defenders who support them and do not believe it is true because they support the offenders and what they say as they do not want to deal with both the results or the awful and horrible causes. They almost always would rather believe the offender and wind up supporting them and taking their excuses as true. If they are family or partners, they do not want to realize that they might have been at fault in some way for not seeing this happen or recognizing signs that it was. This is horrible for the victims as they can not find anyone who supports them even if they should. Maybe the wife thinks she may lose the spouse or vice versa.

The abuser does not usually stop as they have usually convinced themselves that they are doing something good for the victim or doing something that the victim deserves. Since they tell themselves that they are doing something that is justified the abuse usually gets worse and or spreads to other victims. They often encourage the victims by telling themselves and possibly also the victims that they are doing something nice for the victims or giving the victims some instruction or punishment they deserve.

This denial by the abusers, possibly also the victims and also the people around them, family and friends and authorities can be accepted by society and leave the victim in the dark or with inaccurate information about what happened. A wife would rather believe her husband who is abusing their child than get a divorce and lose her source of support. The higher the position of the offender in society often the more likely they will get away with it and disbelief will spread. Think of some recent examples of abuse in the Catholic Church. Disbelief adds another layer of abuse.

Then another symptom of sexual abuse occurs. Memory loss. You have the symptoms but not the memories. People may think you are crazy because of this. Symptoms do not exist with a cause. Believe this. This will keep you from going crazy and/or feeling you are at fault for your problems. This is frustrating as you have the problems but can not solve them as you don’t know the reason why they exist.
For example, I am frigid and for this, my husband rejects me and blames me because I can’t stop this. I want love and affection and because I can’t have sex or don’t want sex, I don’t get it. Not only am I frigid but I am also cold. Rejection is a big part of this.

Shame is a big barrier to handling this problem of abuse successfully.