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Currently inspired by books by Joyce Meyers, babysitting some of my eight grandbabies, and picking up after my spouse. Teaching psychology when the local junior college needs me. Would love to be on a cruise ship lecturing and signing my latest book. Wouldn't mind taking a couple of friends with me who have never been on a cruise.

Something You Maybe Should Know

Sometimes when people say that they are telling you something you should know for your own good, maybe it really is for their own good. Maybe they tell you that you should change something about yourself for your own good when really its something that is for their own good, not yours? “Janey, you should quit talking so much and stop monopolizing the conversation”, when really they are the one who wants to monopolize the conversation and they want you to shut up and let them completely take over. Worse yet they can compliment you about something you are wearing or about a new hairstyle when obviously it doesn’t flatter you at all. Then your best friend can be your worst enemy. How do you tell the difference between one and the other?

Also less lethal but still misleading is a friend-enemy who may monopolize the choice of the next store to go to on “Black Friday” or acts like she is being the most helpful when you are deciding where to eat. It is always presented as the most logical choice but over time you or others don’t get to go where they might have planned to go. If you kept score, how many times did they get their choice while you or others did not get theirs? Maybe you had hoped to have Chinese and to top it off it might have even been your birthday and you didn’t get to have your choice for whatever reason your “friend” gave. Then if you begin to feel slightly angry over time, your friend will have a reason why you shouldn’t feel bad and it makes you look and feel like an oversensitive slob.

Could your friend be a little narcissistic and even insensitive? Not that you could say anything about them or to them. The only remedy often seems to be a little bit narcissistic or insensitive yourself. Often you spend too much time being codependent and meeting other people’s needs and may even have difficulty recognizing your own needs. “Let’s invite Judy (that’s you) to the party, I’m sure she’ll bring the food and even make the decorations.” Whoops, isn’t something going “wrong” there? Maybe the party wasn’t your idea and you had something else planned. But you get coopted!

Why Does The Victim Often Have More Trouble than the Offender?

Here I am in trouble again and you may often find yourself in this type of trouble too. The offender gets out of trouble by blaming the offender. Such as they deserved it. They were so stupid that they deserved to lose to me. Why should they trust people so much? If caught often the punishment does not equal in cost, inconvenience or shame what the offense cost the victim. Often victims have to take on the role of being a damaged person whose repair is difficult, often incomplete and leaves scars.

I am a sexual abuse victim. Even the word victim is personally damaging. I didn’t ask for it but I got it anyway or will get it for sure if I tell anybody like I am doing now. I didn’t realize until the first time I felt a sexual response while making out and it went away. I tried many ways to fix this without any luck and I live with it. Also once a victim, always a victim.

I had a therapist who once called me sexually appealing which made me uncomfortable at the time. At the end of therapy when I was moving out of town he invited me back to let him know how I was doing if ever I was in town. When I came back, I found out that he expected me to have sex with him. I remember nothing that happened after that. Boy was I naive and became a victim again. Now I know why I never felt I was sexually attractive because that was dangerous. It took away from my self-esteem. Now does that mark me as someone to be exploited?

I was considered a behavior problem in grade school. Was I reacting to being sexually abused? I had all men teachers at the time. The best year I had was with my only woman teacher! In those days no one considered the fact that I was a problem because they didn’t know what to do with me. In fact, at graduation, I wasn’t made the valedictorian because of my behavior so I said I wasn’t going to graduation if they didn’t. We compromised, I got the award for the highest grades in the class instead. I think I was one of the first people to threaten to boycott my graduation. Also, I was told I would never make better than a B in high school; however, I graduated high school as my class salutatorian.

I was also bullied in high school on the bus and nobody did nothing about it. I did nothing to deserve it. In fact, I tried to spend my time reading to the little kids on the bus. I ended up not riding the bus. I also was a member of what I called the “out” group the members of which including me all sat in a group in the auditorium. We all there for different reasons, the country kids (but that was not my reason to be there), the less intelligence kids, etc. I was there just because I didn’t make into one of the uppity groups who snubbed us.

In ending, I would like to say that from my point that I became a victim for other people’s enjoyment at my expense. Victims of crimes also seem to get not fully repaid for their losses caused by those who victimize. Victims of break-ins often never feel comfortable in their own homes again.

What are the losses, peace of mind, monetary especially the extra cost of legal fees, medical expenses, the cost of different kinds of therapies needed? Also, the inability to have normal emotional responses again, the ability to trust people, tragic memories or the loss of memories of things that happened, fear of getting in certain situations again. What of these expenses does the offender ever have to pay and does the suffering of being caught and having to pay for these offenses ever catch up with them? Remediation often doesn’t really pay for the offense or it cannot occur for some reason such as the death of the offender or the offense is not considered a crime.

What A Nice Surprise.

I was pregnant with my second child and though I hoped for a girl as my first was a boy; but I didn’t know because we had no way of telling at that time. When I did have a girl, I was pleasantly surprised and had a smile on my face; but I didn’t realize until later that I wasn’t prepared for a girl (I had had two brothers (oops I almost misspelled them as “bothers”), but my good friend gifted me with an assortment of girl items which were greatly appreciated by me. However that night I went into a trance state (a form of hypnosis which I had earlier had used for help labor) and went through all the possible thoughts and ideas and scenarios that were connected with having my first girl child.

I guess I was not really prepared and my mind told me that. It was a significant event for me and went beyond the happiness of having a boy and now a girl (P.S.: The third child was also a girl and I was more prepared for her.). These sometimes negative thoughts were a form of preparation especially for me. I regretted losing a night’s sleep with a new baby; I realized I had mixed feelings and possibly without acknowledging them, they might have interfered more with my attachment to my new baby.

As a psychologist, I realized their value and acceptability of my mixed feelings in my forming my relationship with my baby girl. I don’t know if this could have affected positively or negatively my only experience of postnatal depression which I had with this birth. I don’t know for sure if it decreased my experience or increased it; but I feel that as a psychologist, my experience of working through some of these issues immediately after the birth helped and so did my gift from my good friend.

Relating my experience above is also a gift to a good friend of mine who is expecting a girl for the first time after creating a big brother for her too. As one who might possibly use this information, I am just suggesting to her what might happen and how I felt when this happened to me. I also had the encouragement of a friend who is and was at that time the mother of several girls and the support and the help of having had previous trances to help with labor. Was this my hypnotist’s post-hypnotic suggestion? It could have been as it was just like him to do something like that. I am wishing my friend who is going to give birth soon that everything goes well and I will be thinking of her.

Project, Project, Project

WEBSITE HAS BEEN DOWN SINCE MARCH DUE TO TECHNICAL FAILURES.
/>Telling someone off might be telling something about you. Where do all those names come from that you use in name calling? In psychology, this process is called “projection”. The-is is probably the oldest and most common source of projection. It happens when someone is already doing something or has done that they accuse someone they are mad at of doing the same thing. For example, a governmental committee chairperson is accusing the administrative head of the government of dragging his or her feet in promoting an issue when it is actually the committee that is doing that.

This can also lead to denial by the accuser or the “Who Me?” syndrome. Remember when one finger is pointing to another person three fingers are pointing back to the person who is pointing the finger. The history of the situation can be a big help. How has the accuser behaved in the past or do other people say the opposite about him to what he says about himself? That leads to thinking that denial is the source of much of projection.

Some people think that if they say something often enough and loud enough that it will be believable and also that in addition that other people will not bother to check the facts. I, myself, am sometimes guilty of the latter. I recently got fact-checked on FaceBook by a friend. I believed something because I wanted to believe it about somebody. Beware!

This is a problem with the media who have several television stations saying the same thing. They have simply jumped to conclusions without checking the facts, without having more than one reliable source for their information, and becoming people who give only their opinions as news, talking about things the way that they want them to be rather than the way they really are. They are often easily misinformed choosing the things that they want to hear, not the things they don’t want to here This includes the photos and films they choose to show. Are they so paranoid because they fear that the truth might prevail? and upset the apple cart? Their applecart?

How People Try To Control Others When They Can’t Control Themselves

What do you think?  Are you in control of yourself?  Big job, isn’t it?  Do you have some habits that take control?  Eating?  Sleeping?  Golf? Watching sports?  Hunting?  Not controlling your temper? Hogging the electronics or the laptop?  Being unavailable for conversation or socialization because of this?  Gossiping? Seeing others as sexually promiscuous?  Perceiving others as using too much foul language?  But not yourself?

Do you have someone bossy in your family that almost always gets their way and others often agree to do what they want in order to keep the peace?  It is an interesting idea to see these people as not in control of themselves and to consider the idea that they either don’t know it or they don’t admit it?

Golly, there is so much to control as an everyday human and things can get out of control real fast like addictions, laziness, focusing solely on one’s career and letting other things like socialization go.  Do we try to control others because we can’t or won’t control our own selves?

The Bible says to get the pebble out of your own eye before trying to get rid of one in someone else’s eye. I grew up with a very controlling and complaining parent.  We never talked about what he or she did wrong, just what was wrong with others.  Gee, this person is starting to look like a saint.  As a Christian why would one require salvation if they never did anything wrong, just other people?

Remember whatever you might complain about in another person might be something actually that you have little control of in yourself.  Beware the biggest controller might not be the other person; it might be you.  My controlling parent actually kept on trying to control me after I had gone on to graduate school, gotten married, and moved away from home.  I feel that person could have pulled food out of my mouth if he or she thought it wasn’t good for me to eat.

The worst conflict that we had was when I made the decision to get a divorce from my first husband.  When I told this parent this, it was all about how the divorce would make this parent look and how it made this parent feel.  I received no support from this parent and I cried so hard that I had to go into the shower and turn it on to drown out the sound of my crying and wash away my tears.

Then when things got tough in my second marriage, this parent was more concerned that I might move back home with the children and become dependent on this parent than this parent was concerned with how I would cope with them if I had to do this. Then I realized that this parent again was more concerned about herself than she was about me.

Learning to control yourself is a life long process and most people? might never accomplish this. Sometimes it is easier to just control others and how they effect you than it is to work on controlling yourself first. Manipulating others sometimes comes easier to do than taking charge of yourself and what you tend to do unbridled. MY WEBSITE WAS OUT OF COMMISSION FROM AFTER THIS POST WAS WRITTEN UNTIL SOMETIME IN MAY DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

I Thought It Was Just Me!

Somebody can be mean to you and can also convince you that you deserved it. Is this just bullying or can it be more sophisticated than that? Saying things like “This is for your own good or I wouldn’t be telling you this”. Some people saying they are just being helpful then why does it hurt so much? and if this is just to help you, why does it hurt so bad? Why as a result do you feel so shameful and like you shouldn’t go out till after dark? It seems like that everything you do out of what you think is kindness is taken the wrong way.

Don’t take this the wrong way if you really are just being helpful but if you are bullying then these comments are not so helpful and you are not just being kind. Then it is not just me. What is the long term gain of these behaviors? Do you wind up feeling better than the person you help in this way in some way? Do you feel it is important for the person that you are criticizing for their own good to feel shameful in some way? Then if not just shameful then guilty. Women are much better at playing this game than men. Men who just as soon just go ahead and hit you and leave your self-esteem alone.

Is feeling shame is less upsetting than having a black eye? Probably not at least to women. Now don’t go ahead and take this wrong way and let it justify physical abuse of women as if a slap or punch feels better than a “God D–n you Bitch”. Mental and emotional abuse are still forms of abuse. What do you get out of having the privilege of correcting someone? If you get any privilege or satisfaction out of it, maybe you aren’t doing it for the person’s own good?

What does it mean when someone says that a guy who is physically or verbally abused should take it like a man? When this is done to a woman should she take it like a woman? What does that mean? Does it mean that no matter how mean and nasty the lecture that the woman should turn around and apologize for something that they didn’t know was wrong? It is always for their own good. Then why does it feel so bad to them? How come it hit them broadside and maybe they feel that they didn’t see it coming.

How come the person doing it feels such relief after they let the other person have it? Worse yet maybe it rick-o-shayed and something hurtful just bounced off the speaker’s back and on to the back of the “victim”. For example, the man has a fight with his wife and then kicks the cat on the way out while grumbling at the cat that it was in his way. The perpetrator can be extremely dense and not see the relationship between being mad about something with somebody and taking it out on somebody else. Road rage often is the result of this as the person overacts at some slight offense on the road out of proportion to what really happened.

In the distant past, I used to get very critical letters from someone about my parenting skills. I didn’t realize at the time that this was happening. It is a form of scapegoating and the other person makes you feel bad so they can feel better. It is something like receiving a bomb like one of those exploding sacks dropped on your porch with poop in it. The problem is the size of the bomb and the length of the bombardment. There is no chance to recover as the bomb blasts come one right after the
other. If there is no bomb shelter, then you cover your ears and close your mouth and put your arms around yourself so as to make as little a target as possible. Also, it is not difficult to appear normal or better than normal for the bombardier when around other people after the blasts are over.

Opinions Are Usually Based On Assumptions, Not Facts

This is an opinion piece based on what I think about a particular topic; but often these days people write on a topic giving their opinions about a topic, not a presentation of and an analysis of the facts about a given subject. This means a presentation is often one-sided and gives a person’s particular point of view about a topic. For example, all border walls are bad. They prevent good people from coming to America to start life over after escaping from economically deprived countries or ones whose governments they don’t support and they often point out the saying on the Statue of Liberty to support these people’s right to do this.

What the idea about that doing this presents an open pathway for criminals to enter our country and an invitation for people to come and get free health care, education, and food that many actual citizens are not able to get. Thus many presentations of public opinion leave certain facts out. Finally, many people who come into our country this way without screening and many may not want to live according to our laws and values especially as treated by the declaration of independence. For example, the mutualization of young girls female parts and child marriage between young girls and grown men without consent is promoted by some cultures.

Also, many people who promote this, do not expect to have to live under these conditions. How about men who cross open borders in Europe and who perceive young unaccompanied women in casual dress which exposes some of their body parts such as their faces or legs as open targets for rape and who do not expect to get arrested and prosecuted for this.

Update On Security Modes

Sometimes we have security modes that go into action in desperate situations when we feel we have no way to deal with a situation and we think that others on whom we depend will desert us in a crisis situation we did not know existed but others thought we should know did exist. The first mode is to run away and to not notify others where we are going when we are confused and shattered. We are actually seeking someone who would understand us and support us in our crisis. Also at this point, we feel that the weight of everything is upon us.

When I was a child, I would cry my heart out whether I was at school or in my room at home. Of course, there was no one available to hold me while I cried and to support me in my crisis. The result was that I was all alone in my crisis.

As an adult when this occurs, the result is very much the same. Then there seems to be only one more thing that can be done if nothing happens to support me and this is to forget the whole thing. This is why those people who insult or assault me in this way thing think that I didn’t listen and that it didn’t affect me in any way and that I didn’t care.

The worst insult when I am left with no way out and threats are made that will affect my security if I try to question what they said and/or go to other people involved for help. There is no way out that is why I seem to have the two alternatives listed above. That is why people involved think that I don’t care especially if I seem to have forgotten the incident.

What are your security modes? I recently read about Shame shields which she to be one type of security modes: anger, forgetting, silence, or shame (feel bad as if you did something wrong and must apologize). These are all ways of dealing with apparent life-threatening danger.

Make my loved ones detach from me as the person who is upset with me has more control over that person. Make me seem like an evil person because I am supposedly doing what they are accusing me of doing and keep other people involved from supporting me because of that. They accept no guilt for the situation. In fact t

In school when this happened when I was shamed by the teachers, I had no place to go or no one to run to. My parents, if they knew, would not take my side or cuddle me or support me. So I kept it secret and threw away the teacher’s notes. Even today I feel I should keep it secret as no one would understand me, support me, or believe me.

The Good Employee

!. Do you show up on time or a little bit earlier? Do you do this because you might get caught up in traffic or because the weather or traffic might be Bad?

2. Is your dress appropriate, not too fancy, or showing too much skin. Have you noticed what other employees were wearing? Have you dressed for the temperature in which you will be working? Have you worn something that would catch on machinery or distract other employees? Better yet, do you have contact with customers? Then how do you represent your company?

3. Have you asked for time off when you are not eligible for it yet? Worse yet have you just not showed up. Have you caused your employer to ask another employee who is on their time off to show up or worse have you caused your boss to come in on their day off?

4. If you are mad about something, do you grumble about it with other employees or worse yet do you do this with other customers?

5. Would you like yourself as your own employee? If not, then why do you act that way?

6. When you have nothing to do at work, do you do nothing? talk to other employees and distract them from their work?

7. Do you do what a good employee might do and that is find something to do that needs to be done? This might lead to the compliment, ” Did you notice that “X” (that’s you) is never idle, she always finds something to do.

8. Have you been asked to do something that is unethical or unsafe or illegal? Would you risk your job to do the right thing? In the long run, would your employer appreciate it or would a new employer like you for what you did?

Go From Now To Then, How To Back Up Your Life

Recently when reading of characteristics of a co-dependent person which seemed to match my assets, I realized that it was easy to look backwards and determine where I came from. It has always been important to me to help the persons that read my blog not only to determine what problems they seem to have currently but also to look back and see where they came from. Doing this is what helps change behaviour.

As a co-dependent, I usually consider others needs first. I want to avoid drama by others when they don’t get what they want. As a result, I have a long record of restaurants I have not gotten to go. Part of the reason for this is that I’m am disabled and people don’t want to waste the time it takes to get me in and out of the car and the time it takes to drop me off at the store or restaurant, re-park the car, and walk back. It is a lot faster to go without me.

If I mention that I would like to go to this place or that when other family talks about going somewhere, I realize that I would be a spoilsport. Not wanting to be one, I don’t ask. If I am out on an outing and the group is choosing a place to eat even if I would like to go to a certain type of place, especially one I haven’t had a chance to go to, I keep my mouth shut because of one person who is almost always there, usually gets her way as she expects it and she thinks her choice is the most logical and/or practical.

If other people are dissatisfied about something, I get upset too for two reasons I think I should feel the way other people feel or if I don’t go along with them, and agree that their way is the right way to feel that they will get mad or even feel worse because I am not supporting them. Actually, I do have the right to feel the way I feel or to even not feel at all.

All people are different. People in families, often if you express yourself, feel you are wrong or are not supporting them. Parents are in charge and they may expect that children must mirror them and if children disagree with them that they are not being disciplined right.

I did not realize how controlling my mother could be until she threatened suicide because when we were on a trip and we were sharing a room I went to the bathroom and was reading magazines because I could not sleep through her snoring. I guess I was supposed to pretend I was asleep. I thought I had not awakened her, but she must have awoken and found me not in the other bed. It was scary!

It sounds that strong, demanding people get their way and create co-dependents. Now codependents can be sneaky and avoid demanding people. This can lead to lying by sins of omission. I used to get the teacher’s notes to take home to my parents and I never did take them home. I always liked to avoid confrontation. I really dreaded that; sometimes I was even really very afraid. Also, I was afraid of the power that they generated and commanded.

Again a story about my poor mother and how demanding and controlling she could be. After four years of marriage in my first marriage, I decided I had to ask for a divorce, because I was so uncomfortable in the marriage that I was sick all the time and even a doctor, that I went to, recommended that the only thing I could do was get a divorce.

When I shakily told my mother that I was getting a divorce over the phone, she got mad and told me no one in our family had never gotten a divorce and demanded that I would not get a divorce. I cried so hard after this that I went to the shower, turned the shower on and cried my guts out. By the way, I did get a divorce from my first husband (it was mutual) and moved away; but not back home to where my mom was.

Once early in my current marriage, I learned that I was going to get fired and I never ever really found out why. Did I cry and shake? That man had a lot of power and I think now it was partially that I had a PhD and he had an Ed.D. for those of you that want to know. My degree was in clinical psychology and his degree was only in educational psychology. I didn’t disrespect him for this. He also said he took the exam to be licensed as a psychologist and did not study for it and passed?

Well after I left the clinic, I spent six months reviewing my doctoral exam notes from graduate school before taking and passing the exam. It was a very tough exam and I could not have passed it without studying for it especially a few years out of graduate school. Don’t you think, like I thought, that he was setting me up for something? Being submissive doesn’t always help especially with a sociopathic narcissist?

Also, I can get talked out of doing something sometimes. It is not always right, but they are so demanding, it makes me think that I must be missing something in my defence and give in to them. Some people in positions of authority, whether as bosses, teachers, or parents, feel that now that they have a chance to be in charge, that they must always be right whereby the authority of their position or because they wouldn’t have gotten there if they didn’t know their stuff.

In graduate school, my clinical class had one class where we had a professor who was a star in their field because of her published research but she couldn’t teach her way out of a boot. After her classes, we all as a class had to go to our books and references to find out the true answers to questions she had referenced in class. Still, we had one test of hers that we all had done badly on so she kept us after class to tell us the right answers as she wanted to pound them into our heads and as a result, we had to choose to stay in her class or be on time for our next classes.