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I am supposed to have reached my golden years but I am still very productive and like to appear to be, to act like, and to speak like I am much younger. I am currently inspired by books by Carol Tuttle and Doreen Virtue, watching some of my ten grandchildren, and picking up after my spouse. I would love to be on a cruise ship lecturing and signing my latest book and I wouldn't mind taking a couple of friends with me who have never been on a cruise. Actually I am a semi-retired clinical psychologist with an interest in child psychology and of course, writing. I also have also been a psychology teacher and a prison psychologist. I also have an interest in art and in expressing my feelings through it.

Hallucinations Can Lead To Delusions in Bipolar Disorder

She appears SCARED!

If you think someone said, “I love you” or “I hate you”n you then might think that they were expressing their love for your they were expressing their hatred for you. Then you might avoid them in the first case or you might want to express your affection by saying, “I love you” back. How embarrassing this could be. Once you know that this could happen in bipolar, you might become more cautious. This has to do with auditory hallucinations. Visual Hallucinations are more likely to be scary. I tend to have these in my bedroom at night. Sometimes I see black lace as if it were covering my eyes with a film. This to me is more fascinating than scary. But when it appeared as if the wall curved across the room from me, It was scary and I pulled my covers over my eyes and went to sleep after saying my prayers just in case.

Now when I think that someone says something unusual, I hold my tongue and see if the person says something similar to what they said before. Once I saw a scary face on top of my therapist’s face. I told him about this at a later session because I didn’t want him to think of me as crazy. Hallucinations can lead to delusions. I might have thought my therapist was a secret space alien.

Shadow monsters are another category of hallucinations. For example, a pile of clothes on the bathroom floor might look like a sleeping cat until you take a second look. this leads to some self-examination whenever you see or hear something unusual or something that is not validated by the perceptions of others
My perception of these types of hallucinations came slowly as I had not had hallucinations which I actually called hallucinations in the past. Could dreams too that I thought I had had had really been hallucinations? I once had a lucid? dream about an evil servant of the devil actually having nonconsensual sex with me. Could some dreams actually be hallucinations? Contributing to this is the fact I frequently am a lucid dreamer where I actually take part in my dreams.

Did You Know That Hallucinations Are Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

Hallucination or reality?

Fluctuating moods most everyone expects to see in a person with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder; but not necessarily hallucinations. When I learned this, I realized that I had been having both visual and auditory hallucinations, especially in the past few years. When I thought of having hallucinations as being crazy. I thought of things like voices in one’s head; possibly scary ones. I realized I had been having ones but the ones I had had I thought of being spiritual possibly visions or things that I actually heard someone say to me (but I wasn’t quite sure). I realized how embarrassing it would have been if I had shared my experiences with someone else. Matter of fact, it is embarrassing for me to be revealing this to you now.

When it comes to visual hallucinations that I remember started when I was a child. I had asthma and one night I saw green and orange bugs and worms crawling across the ceiling. Fortunately or unfortunately my mother thought it was due to the codeine in the cough syrup that she was giving me. This may have been one of the reasons that I was afraid of the dark. Fast-forwarding to seven years ago I had a dream or a vision where I saw a couple of workers in helmets through a corner window in my room at a rooming house. It was the middle of the night and I asked them why they were there so early. There was no window in the corner of the room. That morning I learned there really was a gas leak and there were gas workers in the driveway initially and later in the house close to my room.
Prior to that when I was in a nursing home recovering from surgery, I saw a candy striper come to my room with a tray of cinnamon rolls. That hospital had no candy stripers.

As far as auditory hallucinations go, I thought I heard someone say something when they really didn’t, things like “I love you” and “You could be a preacher”.
I wasn’t sure that these people had really said those things and I didn’t say anything or it would have been embarrassing. Prior to these things. I had been visiting a friend in the nursing home where she had gone because her physical problems required that she get the care of the nursing staff. I was visiting in the dining room along with a couple, a minister and his wife, and I either heard the words that indicated that Jesus was fighting the devil for my friend’s soul. This was very upsetting for me as I knew that she was very sick and might die. I didn’t share this with any one of them but I did discuss this with a couple of people I was close to. I also had the feeling that neither of these two people was a true Christian even though one was a minister and they were making calls to see people that one might have expected to need Christain reassurance.

I didn’t view these as hallucinations but as spiritual occurrences which indicated that I might have abilities to see or hear things from another dimension. Now I wonder were they hallucinations, “Yes o No”.

Paw Prints In The Snow

Seeing him here.
Seeing him there.
Been gone away
Many a day
I cry
I wipe my eye;
One tear here, One tear there
He could be anywhere

He could be anywhere
Where do kitties go
The Bible doesn’t show.
I sure don’t know.
Is there another
Somewhere or other
After the end
Of my friend.

How could I be so Whitty?
When I have lost my kitty?
Will a fuzzy beast show up
Will I watch a tiny kitty grow up?
Still, I look up to the sky
And ask why did my kitty die.
I didn’t see him go
There were no footprints in the snow.


Prisoners of Time
Standing in Line
Man by Man
Doing what they can
To pass the time

Kicking and screaming
and illigetimate dreaming
Only the lonely
For themselves only
Doing their own time

Raped and abandoned
Neither left or right handed
Join a gang bang
Or be a gang bang
Losing their mind

Extremely candid
And every man did
What he was commanded
Became right or left handed
Down fall the sands of time

Black and white and yellow
Doing time makes you mellow
Bargaining in boxes
Thinking of foxes
Doing your own time

Restrained by bars
And without cars
Living alone yet
Living in a human net
Forget, forget, forget

(I worked over seven years in male prisons.)

Is Bipolar A Convenient New Hook To Hang Old Medications On Or Is Bipolar A Convenient Hook To Hang New Medications On?

Which came first the medications or the diagnosis? Is Bipolar a convenient new hook on which to hang old medications? In other words, Which came first the chicken or the egg?

Did you ever wonder like I have if when a new drug is found or if an old drug has run out of uses that a new diagnostic category is born. It is in the drug company’s best interest to either keep an old drug in play or have a old diagnosis for which it will be useful that will be useful to have a w use.

In the past I was tried on a psychotropic that grossly effected my motor skills. I suspect that new drug was somehow related to an old drug which I had been given for my now found out bipolar disorder I was drug drunk Everybody’s body chemistry is different and drugs that mess with your moods can cause some strange reactions which are sometimes worse than the disease itself.

New diagnosis old drug. New diagnosis new drug. Old diagnosis new drug. Old diagnosis old drug. Sometimes it is scary to be a guinea pig.
New diagnosis new drug. Old diagnosis old drug. One thing that I have successfully taken has been antidepressants. Oh and P.S. If you do get side effects don’t wait too long to tell your doctor or nurse practitioner. Sometimes it is difficult to separate new symptoms cause by a new drug or from side effects which you should not need to tolerate. Keep this in mind when you have a bipolar diagnosis especially if you have just been diagnosed.

It’s Been There All Along


My intuitive mind told me this but it was so surprising. I asked how long I had been this way and it told me that I have been this way since third grade. Hmmm, first grade I was too young and in second grade I had a really good female teacher. We didn’t keep them long because if they got married they couldn’t teach. First, a woman gets married and then she gets pregnant of course and no decent woman paraded her pregnancy in front of innocent little children. All the rest of my parochial school teachers were male.

When I got in trouble in grade school, it began with defiant anger and ended with a waterfall of tears. The swing went from one mood to the other. Quite a big change. I would go home having been in trouble in school again. I did not tell my parents this of course (because I would get in trouble again) and hid or destroyed the notes that were sent home with me. Good thing there weren’t computers and cell phones then. I love you Dear Jesus but you couldn’t keep me from getting in trouble again. It didn’t matter how ashamed I felt or the amount of snot that my nose rubbed on my upper arms and sleeves. There it happened again. I just couldn’t help getting in trouble again. I remember sitting on a church bench or folding chair while my parents talked to my teacher about my bad behavior. I just couldn’t help getting into trouble. And that would be about in third grade.!

It wasn’t long before it became a hopeless or helpless situation. “Trouble” was my name and teachers tried to keep me busy to keep me out of trouble. I had no trouble with the schoolwork and became bored while the teachers endlessly drilled the students who couldn’t get it. I was imaginative and ingenious. I read endlessly and finished the school libraries in each of my classrooms. I loved art and once left cupids I created for a Valentine’s day display with bare spots between their legs. I had to redo them and put ribbons down there. I also remember being given the
Wechsler Intelligence Test For Children in grade school. I guess because they couldn’t figure me out any other way.

At the spritely age of 76, that has been a long time to be Bipolar altering periods of manic behavior with periods of depression to put it simply. I never thought of myself as bipolar as my first glimpses of Manic-Depressives were in the State Hospital working summers in college in the state hospital. Bipolar wasn’t a popular word until long after I finished graduate school. The behavior of Manic-Depressives was much more exaggerated than what consists of manic behavior now or depressive behavior now. My second summer at the state hospital, we had a man at the ward who was manic-depressive. He pinched one of the nurse’s large boobs to see if they were real. When he was depressive, he regressed into himself and did nothing in group therapy. It was then his wife took him home as that was normal behavior for her husband.

For me, my “manic state” was being outgoing and/or up. Then I had no trouble speaking to strangers by making a glib or funny remark. When I was depressed, I wanted to be left alone and I didn’t want to talk to anybody. They already had their chances to talk to me before I became depressed. See this post of mine, Been
Down So Long, It Seems Like Up To Me. When I was “Up”, I just thought I was being outgoing. I thought that I was just trying to cheer somebody up. For a long time until recently I thought that I was just depressed. Later on, I discovered I was a victim of sexual abuse and that was why I had been afraid of the dark.

I did not learn until recently that I was bipolar and that I had symptoms that fit that diagnosis. I am continuing to explore the bipolar dianosis.


Opening A New Window Onto My Life

You may have been wondering where I have been recently.

I am opening a new window in my life. I have been diagnosed as BiPolar and though many years have passed in my life I had only diagnosed my self as having depression. (I was told that was what my grandma had at one time in her life). One night after having an unusual fall a couple of days previously I called my own ambulance. I felt weird, unnatural and thought I might be having a stroke. Very recently my sister-in-law who is almost ten years younger than me had been diagnosed as having a stroke when she thought she had had the flu.
I felt oddly weak and had pain in my arms which I had attributed to wearing long sleeves that day. I talked rapidly to the EMTs and I thought that I talked very fast as I had several things to tell them that I thought might be cogent. This could have been labeled as pressured speech as I realized later as I thought the incident over in my bed in the hospital before either the doctor or the social worker came to see me and brought me their new diagnosis.

This could have been labeled at one time as a mini nervous breakdown. I surprised my family as I tearfully told the doctors in the emergency room that I couldn’t go home. I was paranoid and felt that if they didn’t agree with my wanting to go to the hospital in the first place, that they wouldn’t welcome me home with loving arms. The doctor decided to keep me for one more brain test the next day which ultimately proved negative.

There my doctor talked to me and then sent the social worker in to talk to me and this is where the word bipolar was first used as a diagnosis. They wanted to start me on medication while I was in the hospital. They were considering me for a swing bed in a new unit fostering the development of needed skills before a patient went from hospital to home. I also fit this placement because I almost lost most of my physical skills when I first was sent to my room. That presented another conundrum Because I was driving a car to and from town the day I was admitted.

I do not yet have an answer to the question of how I lost all those skills then and later when I went on a home visit and then when I came home the next day. I was “weak as a kitten” and I wasn’t faking it. I will join you later when I have more information about my new (to me) diagnosis.

Here I Am. I Can Not Do Otherwise!

Do you have dreams of being somebody else?  A famous person?  Do people around you criticize you for being who you are?  In God’s eyes, we are perfect; but we often have difficulty accepting that.   Forgiveness is a very great gift and it was hard-won according to the Bible.  The next most difficult thing to accept is that if God can forgive us for what we have done and continue to do then shouldn’t we understand that others who have sinned against us and continue to sin against us deserve to be forgiven too.  Tit for tat.

We all have the ability to accept ourselves and to realize that God is more than able to do this too.  Once we realize we are God’s sons and daughters than self-acceptance comes more easily.  I was born at a time that the way parents disciplined children constantly put us down.  One method was the withdrawal of love and the other was the attitude that was constantly applied to children was what will other people think.  Children are naturally buoyant and can rebound from these things.  Especially if they have good friends or have time and space for self-contemplation or have access to books or good teachers or other role models that teach them to accept themselves.

If we become spiritual and aware of our own soul at a young age that we have the power to overcome obstacles and the power not to accept put-downs that are generated by adults or peers.  Of course, this is easier in some environments than it is in others.  Some adults and some peers distort life and push for an unlawful lifestyle where it is killed or be killed and where one gang is pitted against another.  Where it seems to appear to be that there is no hope of a peaceful lifestyle in this war zone.  Other children grow up in families where there are few money worries but there is a strong push by the parents or tutors for the children to succeed in certain areas whether or not that child has the ability to do so.  Self-esteem is crushed and hope for the future is shriveled.

Drugs easily illegally drift into these environments as a way to alter the environment and to ignore pressures, but this can lead to illegal methods of procuring them.  As drug consumption increases then there is often physical and mental damage is done to the person.  Initially, it may appear glamorous and as a way of relieving the pressures of a “successful” life.  Few people who become successful and/or famous understand what pressures come with such success and how to deal with them.  They can be attracted to short-cuts and to overdoing methods that do work.

Yes, you can be independent and do not choose to orient towards a religious style of life and the support that it can give you.  Even then you must decern which religion is the “true” religion and how you will practice it.  If you are uncomfortable that may be such a sign.  In Christianity, the Bible can be your reference and it must be studied with an open mind and a desire to be a true follower of God (initially manifested in the Old Testament, by His son Jesus. and by His disciples.  It can require a lot of self-examination, the practice of what is in the Word, and the realization that a belief in God can make you feel valued as a person and to help you see how to include other people in your life who should accept you as you accept them.

And in the end, should you think of newly born or even unborn babies as worthy individuals with the potential to have good self-esteem, the potential to treat others well as they are treated.



Just a note: what I write is based on my experiences, my background, and what I make of them. Recently my site has been down due to personal and technical issues and to some extent, I have been my own technical support. I also need to have time to address my own personal and medical issues, time with family (there are currently 18 of us when we gather around here), and household duties, budgeting, housework, and shopping.

For me getting depressed is getting down, tears appear in my eyes (not enough for anyone to see), I don’t want to do anything like eating, or be out where we watch TV. I do take most of my pills because I need them but it is difficult to get them all taken on time. I stop socializing and go to my office and do what I have to do here where my spiritual stuff, papers, boxes of stuff waiting for remodeling to be over in the rest of the house and computer stuff. The only ones that come in are my cat, my husband’s dog, and the grandkids unless I shut the door which doesn’t stop all the grandkids (especially the teen).

Often I feel ignored and that motivates me to leave. I leave knowing they (my family) won’t even know I am gone until I return. I don’t tell them why I left when I return because they won’t even know or care. I almost always bring them something back so they think that is why I left. They are happy to see what I brought but not necessarily to see me again. Only one cousin (who I see rarely) understood why I left when I returned with a Dairy Queen cake for dessert for our family reunion. This is a TRAP I set when I want to see if anybody cares.

I used to have a dream scenario where I was trapped into being part of a crime which was not my intention to commit where I got injured during the crime or by the police after. I would escape capture usually but later got picked up because of my injuries either seeking help at the hospital or collapsing and being picked up to take me to the hospital where I would not accept care if I could and if I couldn’t the hospital people would involve the police so I would try to escape and not except care.

This is a very open post for me. Basically I want people to care for me in my life. If I need help, I often get told to do it myself and if they have to help, I feel that I owe them and my other half, often takes over and thanks them for having to help me. The best example of getting what I need is the first time I had an interaction with Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She held me during an externalization session and let me cry when I said, “I want to go home and it’s not here”. It was an extremely genuine interaction and that was true of the few externalization sessions that I had with people she had trained. I stood on the edge of these groups wanting to be taken in but I was not sure. Another thing that I said in one of these groups was, “Don’t hit him; hit me.” before the leader called me in. My realization was that I was the protector. I acted this out once when some boy was beating up on my older brother in grade school and I tried to stop him.

Also when I am with people that I have a close familial relationship with, the focus is what I should be doing around them. I feel like I am being bullied and I shut down and just survive as I perceive it as anger, rejection, and more demands that I change for them and of course on their part there is no desire to find out what I need (like a hug). I sit and watch what they do with each other or friends and it reminds me of what I mostly did without in school while I worked at learning and practicing my profession. Sure that resulted in a lacking of socialization on my part. I mostly watched and was not invited to participate.

I have escaped on a few trips going where they weren’t able or interested in going where I felt more accepted and where some of my interests were fulfilled (there not here). I am sure there is a list of what they HAVE done for me. I am not denying its validity. I feel I am going to curl up and dry up sometimes. What about you?

Details, Details, Not My Cup Of Tea

Recently I have been studying Carol Tuttle’s Dressing Your Truth which supports four types of personalities which have different energies. I think I am scatterbrained as I have no desire to be an accountant and have never had that desire. Keeping track of many columns of numbers is a horrific task for me. I can’t handle money at a garage sale. Tax time can be traumatic for me and I don’t look forward to it. Handling both a business and a farming operation was confusing for me. Making and keeping a budget can be a catastrophy.

I have decided I am a type # 3 mainly with a secondary type # 1. These are not orderly personality types. I can not get a column of numbers to add up the same each time I do them and I tend to hang on to old-time arithmetic. If you don’t use it, you lose it. To heck with modern math and Common Core. I am glad my kids are adults so I don’t have to deal with that, but they do. For some bizarre reason, I found Geometry in high school easy!?

It is difficult when your adult children expect things out of you that they can do but you can’t. I think my daughters are more type #2 (concerned with details) and type 4 (very orderly and structured). The energy type system makes me feel better about my self as we type 3’s can be very energetic and rebellious. We usually don’t disappear into the background. My personal nicknames, “Wildcat”, and “Wildfire” reflect that. I don’t know how my dad came up with “Pumpkin” when I was a little girl. I wasn’t round and orange.

You know, we are all different. Even identical twins have some differences as did two girls in my grade school. One was quieter and not as good a student as the other. Yes, they still looked alike. I guess what I am saying, “Give me a break.” if I am not like you and have a great deal of difficulty sometimes trying to do it your way. P.P.S.: Men have the same problems too and they have different energy types too.