Another problem is we seem to not be able to know our own minds, understand our own medical problems, and what we are capable or not capable of doing. Recently I began treatment for sleep apnea. I realized from what the doctors said and what I have read and experienced that it was serious enough that it was occasionally interfering with my consciousness and this led to me not driving for a while until my sleep apnea improved with the use of a CPAP machine.
How this problem with sleep apnea was interpreted by some of my family was wrong and I got criticized for saying anything to the doctor (while it really was the truth). I wound up losing my right to drive until it cleared up. P.S. I had wanted my family (just before this happened) to drive me to get immediate medical care for asthma on one of these occasions that I experienced this while driving.
Secondly, there were no restrictions on my driving before this happened; but after, my family wants to place restrictions on my driving which would include having someone with me and limiting my driving to a certain local area. While I am limiting my driving on my own to local communities, doctor’s appointments, and church, having certain someone’s with me inspecting my driving isn’t going to help matters. I want my mind on the wheel and not on those kinds of distractions.
I have physical disabilities, but over time I have improved in terms of what I can and can not do. Aren’t I supposed to get worse or might that really happen because I am supposed to give up and totally decline in terms of what I am able to do? I have increased the amount of housekeeping and shopping I do. I babysit grandchildren while my husband watches TV. Keeps me busy. I post on my website each week and balance my checkbook and pay my bills each month. I have traveled sometimes on my own.
Question is how do those younger in my family or other younger acquaintances perceive me? Is it for their own convenience or is it from their misguided perceptions of aging? Beware, is aging caused by time or by what other people expect or by just giving up?
I continually increase my current knowledge in many areas (usually by reading). I do scan the internet, I watch the news, I follow fashion magazines and TV programs, and I follow the interior decorating channels and magazines as well as religious and spiritual issues in print, on TV, and the internet. I even talk to myself (sometimes I don’t have an appropriate audience) and my friends formulating ideas for presentations I would like to give on various subjects. Oh, and my family worries if I say anything on the internet or in my blog I might embarrass myself (what about them?). P.S. they don’t read my blog and if they did it probably it would probably be to edit it, not read it. I have been writing this blog for five years.
How many of us do not know how to play the game of shame and blame? Many of us. We can easily be used to feel at fault for somebody else’s action. To them, it is a game to easily revert the responsibility for something that they could get caught for doing to you. Or vice versus. They could also make you feel bad for them when they have gotten caught doing something that they want you to perceive as really doing something good.
Blame is when the responsibility for doing something bad is attributed to someone and then because of this, they should feel ashamed for having done something. This can be “tricky” when it involves you and you don’t know what is going on. It is the “do-gooders” that can be easily be caused to feel ashamed. The “bad people” often use this trick with “do-gooders” and they don’t even know it. ” They are too busy apologizing and attempting to rectify their “mistake”.
When feeling ashamed whether they should or not, people try to forget the act related to having felt ashamed (which is sometimes called repression) or hide it (see https://myeverydaypsychology.com/hiding-shame-based-interactions/) or they get mad and attack the person making the claim mentally or physically or they accept the blame or some of the blame and “feel down” about what they did or did not do. These are SHAME SHIELDS, presented by Brene Brown, Ph.D. in a free continuing education seminar, “On The Armour, We Use To Protect Ourselves And Why It Doesn’t Serve Us”.
Children are not pawns. Their needs are! more important than yours. Unless you are prepared to give instead of receive, probably you should not have children. You need to put their needs before yours, even if you are inconvenienced, have to make some sacrifices, and don’t immediately get reinforced. Done right, it pays off in the long run with children who have good values shown by the ability in most situations to support themselves, raise good children (if they have them), and being able at some point in their lives be able to thank you for doing this.
Often the first move of these people is to blame you or others instead of themselves for the thing they have done or for something you actually might think you have done in order to deflect responsibility for their own behavior. This person can often get mad very quickly before you or their victim can have time to think and can be made to go on the defensive. This deflects or reflects the responsibility from themselves to you or to someone else. They are often very good at this so don’t be fools and see the blame as being on you or someone else instead of them.
Have you ever lost an argument this way? Or have you ever won an argument this way? This generally leads to mass confusion on somebody’s part and on the part of some people who hear about this agreement. The feeling of shame usually immediately follows and can last for days, months, and even years. I had a stepsister-in-law who was an alcoholic and called up her mother when drunk to blame her for all the things that had happened to her because of her own behavior, not really her mom’s behavior.
She browbeat this woman for things she couldn’t control like this woman’s husband deserting her with three kids to support and raise in the Depression. This woman was so good at transferring the blame that she was lethal and our children were not left alone with her unless a responsible adult was also there. Even then, they didn’t need to hear the things she had to say so they were kept away from her as much as possible. She could also play the game of feeling “hurt” when this became obvious. P.S. Occasionally she handmade some dolls for our children and they still have them so it wasn’t all negative
Shame can be an immediate feeling of feeling bad from one part of the brain, the amygdala
It is responsible for emergency bodily responses and probably responds before a person has time to reach the part of the brain that wonders why they feel bad (or good). Remember the times that you thought you didn’t have time to think and just responded. I am not chastising you for feeling immediate shock or grief in certain tragic situations. Sometimes feelings are part of a bodily response that enables you to respond quickly in an emergency.
Have you ever been played like a piano in one of these situations where “shame” or “blame” comes into play? Sometimes someone else does it and sometimes you do it to yourself often based on old scripts in your mind based on past experiences. My script is that I have done something wrong that I didn’t know was wrong at the time. It could be something “stupid” or “thoughtless” or something that a person got really mad about although I couldn’t have done anything about it at the time.
People can thoughtlessly ruin relationships in this way. Maybe they think that they are in competition with someone like me for the desired person’s love or loyalty. I can feel really guilty at the time and grieve for the loss of a crucial relationship apparently someone else coveted. I can not help but think the person involved with my friend never knew and/or felt that she had done this and was to some part responsible for my loss and my friend’s loss too. (This is also a form of drama and I have written about this elsewhere in my blog. See also a book by Doreen Virtue, Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How to Break Free of Negativity and Drama, ( A writer who writes about things like drama in a way that is easily understood and covers a lot of material about the subject. (See also one she has written one eating disorders, The Yo-Yo Diet Syndrome: How to Heal and Stabilize Your Appetite and Weight) As with many good writers you may not be drawn to everything she writes but also she writes on other subjects that could be of personal interest to you. See also, The Courage To Be Creative: How to Believe in Yourself, Your Dreams, and Ideas, and Your Creative Career Path by Doreen Virtue. The content of which seems to parallel the origins of my interests in writing. Both by Doreen Virtue at Hay House publishers.
If you can not change a person’s assumptions with facts, then why argue with them. I someone thinks you are a “hypochondriac” and a “surgery addict”, what can you show them from your actual medical history that will change their mind? Nothing. What hurts too is that they also think “hypochondriacs” and “surgery addicts” are bad people.
Assumptions are just that assumptions and they can be extremely harmful if they are erroneous and associated with bad qualities in other people. “Oh, that’s just a woman for you” or “Oh, that’s just a man for you.” Doing this allows people to make quick judgments of other people without wasting time getting more information.
A debate is an academic activity where each side takes turns arguing one side of an argument. This can lead to a reasoned analysis of a situation both for and against. Lawyers often do this for a living depending whether they are working for the defense or the prosecution in a criminal trial.
More to come as I think this over. Most recent contribution from a friend. “Many people think that their opinions are facts!” This is why arguments and discussions can be so hard. Also, people often form “tribes” and identify with them like “Trump Supporters” and are threatened when a belief contrary to their tribe’s beliefs is presented to them by someone. They become anxious and even angry. Do you see why people often don’t talk about sports, politics and religion at the table?
Ever say something to yourself about something you are wanting to have or do and immediately saying that it will never happen? and finish the job by saying Why it will never come to be? I do. Move over if you think you have ever done this, as I have done this too consistently.
Why you talk yourself right out of it and it doesn’t have a chance. Do you read about positive thinking and affirmations but figure they wouldn’t work for you anyway. And when they don’t work do you tell people that you tried but they don’t work for you and you have given up visualizations and vision boards. It only works for Oprah!
Have you ever dreamed up a special dress for a special occasion and worked on the idea changing things here and there in order to make it perfect? I planned and planned additions to my old house and yes we did use one of them. Later I started looking at double wides and multitudes of floor plans even visited many different sites so I could see the actual thing. Yes, I wound up with one when we had to move.
Now I feel frustrated because there are things about our doublewide now that I would like to fix. And my husband would like to add a garage-above ground storm shelter. Now I know what worked for me so I am going to do research and make plans for the needed addition and changes to the house. It still needs some windows replaced which on one occasion, I would like to change the old picture window for a bay window.
We often spend more time proving why something we want to do don’t work than we spend on why something could work.
Men do what women consider to be gross things and some men go so far as to think that women are asking for it. Ugh (my comment as a woman). Ick! Men like to think that women think like them. It makes it easier for them to sexually harass women because then they can think that women are asking for it. This makes it easier for them to do things to or in front of women that are actually disgusting to most women.
I have been shown Play Boy center foldouts and asked to be present when a psychiatrist does a physical exam on male patients so I could do the mental exam. I was not a nurse or physician. I have been invited back to see a therapist that I had seen so I could let him know how I was doing. I opened the door and he had set up his office so that I could join him on the floor and make out. Where had I gone wrong or where had they gone wrong. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. I am telling you this because I shouldn’t have felt ashamed and kept this quiet for many years. Where did these men come off by doing this? P.S. I was also groped on the Grey Hound bus by the guy seated next to me when I was trapped by him in the window seat.
Men can spend hours talking about women who they think have led men astray. Maybe it was the other way around. Women’s reputations have been tarnished this way. Men’s reputations are not tarnished this way, they are seemingly enhanced. If women fooled around as much as men think they do, they wouldn’t have time for anything else. Most women usually have so much to do involving working, taking care of the home, and caring for children, when would they have time? When could they sneak away to do this?
I think most of this goes on often only in men’s minds and they think that women must think like they do. If this is so, then they think they are justified in acting on it. If a man is running around on a woman, then he often thinks that she must want to do the same. This then justifies their wanting to do it more.
This does not forgive women who use their sexuality to entrap men and use them. This has led to men (especially in conservative circles) not wanting to be alone with women unless their husband is around or they are with a group. What do you think? I think most women will say that they would “like” to be with a certain movie star or music star, but often that is far as it goes.
Often women have trouble accepting their sexual attractiveness and they sometimes “dress down” and use little or no makeup because of this. This can spoil whatever appropriate sexual relations that they have with a man with the women not feeling sexually attractive or even sexually attracted to their partners. Women’s sexuality is often fragile and easily tainted this way. While many men have rehearsed the sexual act both in their minds and in actual self-stimulation. Having sexual thoughts seems to be more acceptable for men.
There is a form of child sexual abuse where a mother may flaunt her sexuality in front of her young son both by having open sexual relations with a man in front of him and by displaying her body to him by having little or no clothes on. This can lead to fondling of the child by tempting the boy to touch her and cuddle with her?!
Education is important. We need to know what is appropriate and not appropriate in the sexual realm. No education does not keep children and some grownups safe and sound. Ignorance is not bliss in many cases. When it is found inappropriate, the victims should know that they should speak up and to whom they can do it. When I was harassed above, I initially had no idea of what to do, I felt shamed, and I kept the secret to myself for a long time.
Notice there are no pictures illustrating this post. I do not want to promote anything by having what might be considered sexually explicit pictures.
Are you pining for a punk? You might be if your story is part of the content of a scandal sheet. Being recently confined for illness, my friend gave me a buch of scandal sheets. Whether I knew them or not, I found a common theme, recent breakups and connections between famous people. They have everything, shouldn’t their relationships work out?
How they treat each other is outrageous! When under the influence of first Love, it appears that they can’t see straight! Faults are glossed over and relationships are formed immediately without much time to get to know the other person, faults and all. They have the ways and means with which to get over involved. Common sense goes out the window. When things come down crashing down (reality rears its ugly head), there is surprise and obvious grieving for something that wasn’t to be in the first place.
Falling in love is not supposed to be a revolving door. Test the waters and see if you want some more. In these relations ships, it is just too easy to leave and find someone else eager to be the new LOVE. Doing this seems to mean that the new person is some type of winner and not the loser they might be. Just because you are choosy doesn’t mean you are a loser because someday you might pick the winner and avoid messy relationships with people that don’t go anywhere.
Fame, money are very attractive. Yet somebody with a great talent may not have much to offer other than that. It is hard to mix that kind of glamourise life with success in the real world. Whatever attracted him or her to you might wear off and leave you high and dry. Cheating proliferates in this type of world and is supposed to be tolerated complete with possible STD’s.
Relationships turn into a kind of a game with one-up-manships proliforating. Security does not exist and when a crisis occurs, the sufferer is usually left high and dry. What do you want a glamourse red carpet evening dress that you have to be sewn into or a practical comfortable attractive outfit that you can wear over and over? Relationships are that way too. Even though he or she is not to your taste and you are not his or her taste, doesn’t mean you are a failure. You both just avoided a big mistake.
I have been out sick for a week as I was visited by an old visitor from the past that I had thought I had outgrown. ASTHMA. Gasping for breath is scary; but even more frightening is hearing mysterious sounds as you lay in bed that nobody else can hear. As a psychologist, I know about hearing voices and these would even wake me up in the middle of the night. Once, I got admitted, I think the hospital staff must have thought I was crazy. This was a strange illness because I got very sick before I sought treatment. I did not run a temperature. I just got out of breath. Even my oxygen percentages were good. My heart rate was normal. I had just run out of steam. However, I was very relieved when they hooked me up with oxygen; pumped me up with steroids, and admitted me from the Emergency Room. Missed church that morning and didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day or should I say Grandmother’s Day.
Once, I got admitted, I think the hospital staff must have thought I was crazy. This was a strange illness because I got very sick before I sought treatment. I did not run a temperature. I just got out of breath. Even my oxygen percentages were good. My heart rate was normal. I had just run out of steam. However, I was very relieved when they hooked me up with oxygen; pumped me up with steroids, and admitted me from the Emergency Room. Missed church that morning and didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day or should I say Grandmother’s Day.
I am now on all sorts of asthma drugs. I am feeling better. I am home and laying around. Just going to the doctor wore me out and I can’t talk too much without getting breathless. However, I have been having some feelings of Deja Vue as I remember feeling this way as a child desperate for air and also coughing my guts up. Must have really scared my parents. This was a common thing for me in the winter as I grew up.
I was told I would grow out of it and I thought I did but on a rare occasion I would have that familiar gasping for breath and would have to leave where I was and do something to catch my breath. I usually was apologetic and would leave wherever I was so as to not cause others any concern about me in order to calm down and get over the spell of being out of breath.
Scarier even yet is recently I have begun to have strong allergy reactions to air bound particles. Fortunately, I recognised what was going on and got myself out of the situation either under my own power or with the help of friends. I, fortunately, had begun carrying a rescue inhaler.
Also, asthma causes damage that doesn’t go away and can come back to haunt you later. I know that wood smoke (yes, fireplaces) is difficult for me to breath; but until we started to worry about second-hand smoke, people just thought I was a party pooper if I reacted to things like cigarette smoke and wood smoke. I could also detect strong chemicals in the air just by the way they made me feel.
I had years of bronchitis but I didn’t think of it as asthma related. I would continue to go to go to work and would hope that I could control my cough when I had to talk to patients. I knew that it was probably not catching and would eventually go away on its own although that might take a long time. Once the air got cold, I had to throw a scarf around my mouth or have a coughing fit. It didn’t help that I was a mouth breather either.
I didn’t know that I had a bunch of unhappy bronchioles swollen that wouldn’t let my air get out so I could breathe back in. It was these guys that were making the wheezing noises I could hear. Chest x rays didn’t show anything so that wasn’t a path to treatment either.
If you feel sick, you are sick. Keeping going until you find effective treatment. Don’t apologize for something you can’t help doing. Yes, it is going to make some trouble for other people and you might be the center of attention for awhile It is your turn to seek and receive help. Don’t die trying to cover it up and not inconveniencing people.
P.S., I now have a preliminary diagnosis, pulmonary hypertension which was given after I had an echocardiogram of my heart. For your information, previous to that I passed certain breathing tests with flying colors. My oxygen percentiles were high. They were consistently in the 90’s. I passed a breathing test. This was the second time I had done so. My lung x-rays were clear ( I had two recent ones). Therefore, I was not put on oxygen when I went home although it was very helpful while I was in the hospital.
Fortunately, my nurse practitioner had another idea about what was wrong. She said I might be overworking my heart to keep my oxygen percentiles high. This is what appears to be happening and it didn’t show up until I had the echocardiogram of my heart. Curious enough I have had previous echocardiograms where it didn’t show up. I am waiting on my heart doctor to review the findings and to confirm the diagnosis although that may take further tests.
So what is my conclusion? It is that sometimes when you think you are sick, you are really sick and don’t stop seeking help! Look at my case.
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