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When An Immovable Object Like You Can Not Be Challenged, It Is Difficult For You Or Possibly Them To Get Upset As There Is No Emotional Payoff And You Can Keep Your Cool

People count on the fact that you can be upset, that you will buy their spiel, that you can be made to leave them alone, or anything else that they want you to do or feel. Have you ever just observed what a person looks like they are feeling, what they are trying to get across and then decided that you are not going to fall for their ploy. Can you anticipate what they are going to do from what they look like, for example, a dark rolling thunder cloud? I once saw a woman who looked like she was dressed to impress and because of this, she was wanting to make the impression that she was upper class and expected to get her way. It was clear that she was going to get angry. You know what I did I quickly pushed my cart down another aisle in the farm store where I could avoid her and not become a part of her drama which she was intending to play out and win the upset of another person, mostly a clerk, but if not a clerk than another shopper like me. Ouch. She appeared to be extremely self-righteous, stately, and ready to blow up as soon as she ran into a ready victim, someone who would easily feel to blame for her upset and grant her desire to feel self-righteous.

Surprise, surprise, I do not always have to play the victim of someone else’s desires. I can be calm, I can leave the scene, and I cannot provide such a person with their reward by being a willing victim in their desired vignette. Another scene that I can sense coming is when my spouse is ready to judge me is when I know I have done something that he could accuse me of like eating the last piece of cake, of course, the smallest piece of cake, or not knowing where the car keys are or putting them up somewhere that I am not sure where I placed them. It is easier to admit what I am guilty of by confirming that I did it in a matter of fact way. Then the desired upset is difficult for him to carry out when I admit I am guilty in a matter of fact way. Then the desired drama is difficult for him to carry out. I, at the beginning, tell him I did the thing that he is anticipating that I did wrong without getting upset, feeling guilty, or getting mad at him for finding me out.

Meditation is a habit that can reinforce one’s ability to keep their cool. As in meditation, you can relax while letting your thoughts pass by while not attending to them. Also, you can develop the habit of choosing not to feel guilty or emotionally upset by letting your thoughts plague you til you begin to suffer. Focusing on a situation often does not do any good especially when you know what you should have done or what you ought to do in the future. Manipulators are good at predicting what people will do or feel and can accomplish their own selfish ends this way. For example, they can usually count on people doing the “polite” thing.

Count on developing your blank face as one form of defense with such people. “Oh, you were speaking to me.” Is another good line and form of defense and usually catches such people off guard. People like these count on getting another person’s or at least some person’s attention or (God Forbid) everyone’s attention. Who knows what potentially they have to sound off about and why they think they can count on having a willing victim or willing victims.

Practice being calm and being like a duck who can let the water run off of his back and being undisturbed. Potentially you can put off with dealing with some things later when you have more time to think and you are not being pressured to come up with a solution. Manipulators count on you to be bumfuzzled and unable to come up with an appropriated response. My poor deceased half sister-in-law counted on this to happen when in front of a crowd of people, she asked me, “Who cut your hair?” in a very critical voice and I was able to come up with an appropriate comeback, “Who asked you?” She counted on catching me off guard and she had a reputation for doing this kind of thing and getting away with it. Fortunately, I was able to come up with immediately an appropriate comeback. She always counted on her victim to not have a chance to think of something appropriate to say. Another way to have short-circuited her would to have sought out someone appropriate in the crowd and asked them what they thought of what she said or what they thought about how I looked. As mean as my sister-in-law could be and everybody knew it, surely some most would have come up something in my defense.

You do not have to accept being manipulated by such people; you just have to plan ahead to control your feelings and not become a victim. Sometimes you just have to leave and say to yourself or them, “I don’t have time for this”. If you feel you have to have an excuse to leave, say you are busy or say you are tired and have dealt with enough that day or you might have to be rude (think about how rude they are being) and say that the person is being rude or is trying to manipulate you or that they should get the h-ll out of your face; you don’t want to tolerate any more of their sh-tt that day.”

You can do the same thing with your own inner feelings and thoughts. Say, “I don’t want to feel that way anymore,” to yourself and/or, “I don’t need to feel guilty about that as I have already done that enough” and/or say to yourself “I am sorry for what I have done and have made my own personal spiritual or practical amends.” and/or “I realize I need to do something about that but it is not now time to do it” and/or “I have thought enough about it for this day or week or whatever and it is not helping me make any progress in my life to obsess about this now.”

Realize manipulators do not do this. They get their reward and do not waste time feeling bad about what they did. Don’t think a lot about being manipulated except for long enough to realize you what was done to you and do some to limit the damage if possible and momentarily if necessary. That is something practical that any victim would do especially if there are necessarily like any tie limits to do something like stopping a check from being cashed. Choke the lesson up to experience with your mistake as being an experience.

Some people do things that indirectly that hurts and they don’t understand that they are hurting themselves and others too. Indirectly it results in the angry dissolution of the relationship with the other person being blamed and the person who is mad at them does not understand that they did something themselves to harm the relationship too. It frequently seems to involve being able to read minds. If I do something for someone else who may need my help and they don’t realize that it is ultimately an imposition on me and they ask me to do it again without them realizing that was an imposition on me and I feel that they should not have asked me to do it again but they did not know that I was thinking that.

This set of behaviors seems to involves mindreading as a sport. I’ll do something really nice for you, but I want you to understand that you should never ask me to do it again because it was an imposition on me. Complicated, isn’t it. The only counteraction would be to call the person on it who did the favor if you get a chance to talk to the person again and suggest that they should have said, “No,” the first time or said, “I can do it for you this one time; but don’t count on me to do it for you, the next time you have that problem.” However, it may lead to a whole bunch of “shoulds” like who should be doing it for you instead of them, etc., etc.

Jumping To Conclusions Or How Opinionated Are You?

Thanks To Facebook And Twitter And politics, we are having a rash of rash conclusions about what should be going on in the world. Last night I heard on Fox News that oxycontin was responsible for drug deaths and was falsely promoted by the drug company as a safe drug that could be taken for pain in increasing amounts and was responsible for a rash of deaths due to people becoming addicted to the drug implying that nobody should be-be taking the drug even reasonably for moderate pain relief. The speaker was completely sure that nobody should have access to the drug even if they suffered from intolerable pain without it. Needless to say that this speaker was very confident about his conclusions but he had totally left out the other side of the story since it didn’t affect him. Opinion-oriented presentations can lead to one-sided presentations and to making decisions that affect people who are not misusing the drug and who can’t receive massive amounts of drugs under current prescription laws and who wouldn’t ever try to get them from the black market.

I am one of those patients. I have neuropathy due to spinal stenosis and even though I was successfully operated on many years ago to prevent me from becoming a quadriplegic; I still had some neuropathy which initially developed before the surgery which still exists and persists. I am on medication for this but it is limited in what it can do and it has progressed so there are times when the pain is intolerable and the medication for the neuropathy can’t control it. I also take over the counter pain medications with my doctor’s knowledge but there are times when neither medication can control the symptoms and there are times when I feel like I could wind up in the emergency room which is some distance away and an intolerably long ambulance ride because I can’t take the symptoms which involve spasms and burning pain. I receive a limited amount of oxycontin which I cautiously use for this but not every time it happens which can be every day, but I limit it by what I might have to do that day and what I can tolerate.

I fortunately or unfortunately have had oxycontin before after a couple of surgeries and in one case developed intractable constipation and loss of time where I thought a long period of time had passed and it only was a few minutes. I had a pump that time which was supposed to limit how much of the drug I got but it was too much for me and on top of that it seemed to me that nobody was checking on me either.

To me, it seemed that presentation was made by a “smart aleck” that thought he knew what he was talking about, but who had not really covered the subject or investigated what he was told or read somewhere and who could be responsible for a group of people who might not abuse the drug not getting the pain relief that they needed and would cause needless suffering.

It seems to me that people often promote ideas about things that will not have a direct effect on them rather carelessly and often from a dictatorial point of view being that most dictators tell others what to do when they themselves will suffer no direct effects from their own commands.

Something You Maybe Should Know

Sometimes when people say that they are telling you something you should know for your own good, maybe it really is for their own good. Maybe they tell you that you should change something about yourself for your own good when really its something that is for their own good, not yours? “Janey, you should quit talking so much and stop monopolizing the conversation”, when really they are the one who wants to monopolize the conversation and they want you to shut up and let them completely take over. Worse yet they can compliment you about something you are wearing or about a new hairstyle when obviously it doesn’t flatter you at all. Then your best friend can be your worst enemy. How do you tell the difference between one and the other?

Also less lethal but still misleading is a friend-enemy who may monopolize the choice of the next store to go to on “Black Friday” or acts like she is being the most helpful when you are deciding where to eat. It is always presented as the most logical choice but over time you or others don’t get to go where they might have planned to go. If you kept score, how many times did they get their choice while you or others did not get theirs? Maybe you had hoped to have Chinese and to top it off it might have even been your birthday and you didn’t get to have your choice for whatever reason your “friend” gave. Then if you begin to feel slightly angry over time, your friend will have a reason why you shouldn’t feel bad and it makes you look and feel like an oversensitive slob.

Could your friend be a little narcissistic and even insensitive? Not that you could say anything about them or to them. The only remedy often seems to be a little bit narcissistic or insensitive yourself. Often you spend too much time being codependent and meeting other people’s needs and may even have difficulty recognizing your own needs. “Let’s invite Judy (that’s you) to the party, I’m sure she’ll bring the food and even make the decorations.” Whoops, isn’t something going “wrong” there? Maybe the party wasn’t your idea and you had something else planned. But you get coopted!

Avoiding Road Rage And Not Just On The Road

It makes sense if you see someone coming toward you looking like an impending thunderstorm that you should avoid them if you possibly  can,  Do you want to get wet especially when they don’t make umbrellas  to protect you from this type of storm.  Sometimes all you can do is to not agitate  them and try  to get away as soon as possible.

  For example,I had a woman who was checking me out in Wally World and I had many items and I needed a little help; I knew that she didn’t like this and that the skies were getting  darker and darker.  I also needed someone to help me take my groceries out to the car, but I also knew that I probably shouldn’t ask her right at that time so I didn’t and as I pushed my cart away from the checkout station, I  spotted a more likely  associate further  away from  where I had checked out and asked her to help me.

Another problem is letting someone’s facial expression upset you or influence the way you feel. At a play or in a meeting, do you let the way someone looks at the play or in the meeting cause you to change your mind about the play or about what is going on in the meeting? Do you let somebody else’s assessment change how you think about something? Do you get less enjoyment out of the play or do you feel that the meeting is promoting better ideas than you thought it was doing. Are you independent or do you feel less sure of yourself when it comes to the judgment of what is going on around you? Do you unconsciously tune in to what is going on around you and lose your self-confidence about what you are thinking or feeling?

Good And Evil Revisited, Part 3

I am sorry that I am a little bit behind.  I had surgery and it took me a little bit of time to recover.

Evil has no compunction against saying those who are Good are beneath them and are stupid, ignorant, and easily manipulated by both sides when Evil masquerades as “Good”.

Unfortunately, some of the Good are really part of the Evil ones and only are pretending to be “Good” so they are able to accomplish Evil things.  This happens when values deteriorate from concern with doing Good only and with helping others in need of salvation or in need of having their basic needs met.    See Maslow’s basic hierarchy of needs.  Perhaps a social need is for a church to have their worship in a cathedral so everyone can see how well they are doing in their search to glorify God.  Also they “need” a bigger church to safely accommodate their large congregation which is a safety need in the hierarchy. This can often subvert the direction of a church i.e. from housing or feeding the poor to building on to their church unnecessarily.  Many feel good for example when they have a showplace of a church like a Cathedral.  Are they actually “Good” or are they approaching being Evil? i.e. “Look at me.  Look at my church.”

A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?

For example, have you ever even a woman or a man entering a church with a scowl on their face and they appear ready to criticize something at any moment.  In the long run, such people may eventually split the church over doctrine or acceptable values which they piously conceive as Godly.

Hugging, even shaking hands, or friendly greetings to strangers are not present in these churches and it appears that these members of the congregation would appear very uncomfortable doing these things.  Attire is either formal or does not permit certain hairstyles and types of clothing especially not wearing shoes or hats or head coverings which the disciples didn’t do.  In some places, people think that they can’t go to church because they have nothing to wear, clothes that are threadbare or shoes that are scuffed and worn and either too little or too big.  If I stay home on Sunday due to my disabilities acting up, I do not have to dress up.  I do catch at least one sermon on TV when I do that.

Values are deteriorating to fame and recognition, power, wealth, and a much higher standard of living including gold faucets providing high-value items, more opportunities, and living in restricted areas.  Also, such people might have multiples of items where an ordinary person might only need just one or a few.  There might be a corner on the market of beautiful things even by the most of those who consider themselves “Good.”  For example, the price of a fine thing can match a working person’s salary for one year.

Where do you go when you have done everything and seen everything?  Do you consider other people evil because you think they have not worked hard enough to get to the place where they can look down on others like themselves?  Reading the Bible and applying what it says possibly goes by the wayside unless there are some books of the Bible or some particular verses that match what these people righteously think. Was the Bible meant to be read in all its parts and also applied in all its parts?  Probably.  But when an effort is made to read and apply the values presented here,  such an effort is acceptable.  There are other volumes which elucidate a value system but they must be evaluated by the heart and not just the mind.

Who do you look up to?  Does what they do and think to justify following them.  Most of us have a conscience and we know when we are doing what we know somewhere deep inside it is not right.  Too often we don’t speak up because we have the idea that other people are better qualified or more powerful than us.  (See my post on The Little People.) This is the reason for a democracy.  You have the right to vote.  Use it.  I will make an independent vote for governor this fall as I consider neither the current Republican Governor or the Democratic candidate for governor worthy.  I hope enough of us poor little voters will do this to make our opinion known.  We do not want to be ruled by Chicago which we would be in Illinois if we voted for a Democrat or if we reelected the current governor who has the state broke, that probably wouldn’t change.  If you are in Illinois, vote for the independent Kash Jackson and show the state that many of us do not want either the Republican nor the Democratic candidate.

Values in the discussion of Good and Evil, do no good unless you live them even if it is difficult.  Do you have your own mission statement declaring what your purpose in life is and how to follow it?  Also please remember fighting within the Church most often is a grab for power; the righteous have different concerns.  The same type of things goes on in corporations.  Only even more complex.  Have you ever been asked to do something basically illegal at work?  Would you give up your job for your values?

It’s Just Me! Discovering Myself And Ridding Myself of Shame, Blame and Guilt

My happy face anyway!

I have discovered an energy type system which I have followed for a long time now but I had not really found the type of energy that I personify and did not see how the system could help me understand myself and how I could present myself as an example of a type of beauty that would give me a special glow that would attract compliments and increase my self-esteem.  Initially, I picked the wrong type and although I felt some benefits when I  accepted my scatter-brained side of myself and realized I was more of an idea type person than a planner; but then my real self came through and I saw that I am more a motivator who likes to see something come through so I can see the finished product.  The best example is how and when I pursued a professional degree so others could see how motivated I was and how far I would go in pursuing something.

This started when I finished grade school and decided to take college prep classes and to get the highest grades in high school I could get so I could go to a good college and get a scholarship.  I also pursued this goal to prove to my fellow students and teachers and myself that I had what it takes.  This continued in college because I wanted to get into a doctoral program to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology.  Those goals I pursued continuously for ten years.  I also then completed two years of postdoctoral studies in child clinical psychology and after working for two years in my field, I also completed the studies for and passed my state licensing exam as a psychologist.

My next set of goals was to have at least three children which my husband and I accomplished within four years. This was done by the age of thirty-nine for me and forty for my husband.  You can see that I can set goals and reach them.  Just recently the number of our grandchildren reached ten another goal.

Writing this blog was a surprise for me later on in life and I also have started to occasionally sing hymns in church acapella.  I found that I was also comfortable teaching lecture classes in psychology.  This is the way I represent a Type Four, but I still have secondary traces of Type One as I often have too many irons in the fire and I often multitask keeping too many irons in the fire.  Today I deviated from working on bills to writing this post.  I also want to hang some posters and pictures on my walls especially on the walls in my office which I have as yet to unclutter, but I am working on it.

Stylewise I am edgy and look best in some darker jewellike colors and in dramatic and edgy styles.  Hairstyles require some movement and often streaks or patches of color or highlights.  Jewelry too needs to be edgy, often angular and somewhat bold.  The latest good thing about the whole energy thing is I have started to get some compliments from strangers so far all women.

I have found out that where I have had trouble in the past was where I was trying to go along with some other energy type which didn’t suit me and therefore I had difficulty doing it successfully.  I am not a totally well-organized type of person and as I have said before is that I would write the term paper first and then write the outline.  Also, the types of clothing worn successfully by other energy types do not suit me and make me look bad.  For example, hunting for a suit for job interviews I found very challenging and difficult to do and the suits that I found never really suited me so I was never confident that I looked well and that my outfit was appropriate.  This definitely was a “no-no” when it came to how I presented myself for a job interview.

Recently I have started wearing shorts again in place of capris or crop pants and I am feeling more comfortable doing this.  I do have to be sure that the shorts are Type Three, a little rough around the edges.  They can’t be flared, a little ruffly or a soft faded Type One or Type Two color. I have to also avoid black or whites which are Type Four.  I am also considering dresses or skirts again in my type.

Look up Carol Tuttle, Dressing Your Truth, on the internet.  She also has some books which will help you.  Also, she has written a book about children’s energy types, The Child Whisperer.  She has a solid background in counseling which is reassuring. You can get some color and pattern cards which will help you select clothes.  When I have a solid before and after pictures I will publish them here.  Remember part of finding your helpful energy type is when you find that it works and you can type in successes and failures related to your energy type and then it feels right.  This doesn’t always happen immediately but when it does you will know it.   For example,  I have always liked statement pieces when I go out to buy jewelry and I usually don’t feel dressed until I have a necklace or bracelet on.

 

The Word Ambiguity Is Ambiguous-Curious? Read This Post

Many people have difficulty tolerating ambiguity.  This may be just why our nation is so polarized right now between the left and the right, Trump haters and Trump supporters.

Actually, ambiguity is often the state of knowledge.  We just can’t get a clear picture of how things are and just when we do, we find out something new.  Young twenty-somes often do not feel comfortable with ambiguity and this is the reason why many of them are seduced into cults which claim that they have all the answers like Scientology.

Boundaries can be ambiguous

I am satisfied that I don’t know all the answers and that some answers will never be extremely clear although they may become clearer over time.  I believe that I don’t know all the answers and that I won’t know all the answers in this lifetime.  People who do not believe this way makes me very nervous as I don’t totally agree with everybody and everybody doesn’t agree totally with me.

College was the place where my fellow students were encouraged to disagree and to debate many points of view unlike most of the students of today who are reinforced for accepting the beliefs of certain professors who are deemed politically correct.

Gaining in knowledge should encourage surprises and new

Self-Styled Expert?

ideas not consistently reinforce all beliefs presented or taught.  Science should constantly explore and evaluate conclusions made from current experiments and past knowledge.  Many scientists often currently skip the phase where they develop a naturalistic understanding of the area of knowledge that they choose to evaluate.  This often involves acquiring personal experience which has been typical of anthropologists in the past who went out to live among a people that they proposed to study.  First-hand experience can sometimes be better than book-learning.

The Best Child-Expert

How many child psychologists have ever had first-hand experience bringing up children? or have spent time playing with them after they themselves have entered high school or college?  Getting down on the floor and participating in a child’s imaginary world is often different from observing and taking measurements from an experimental psychologist’s perspective.  I especially like to have the child have me draw a picture of an experience he or she has had.  Also, suits and ties and tight skirts and high heels get in the way of making these observations.

I once was a participant in setting up an experiment about snake phobia.  I was not

She appears SCARED!

particularly worried as I didn’t think actual snakes would be used even though I was snake phobic and didn’t tell people because they then would surprise me with one of the real snakes used in their experiments.  I knew that when I saw someone carrying a shoe box in the rooms where my fellow students had study carrels there usually was a snake in it and I would leave the room without saying anything.

After I was strapped into a recliner with leads for physiological responses in a room with no windows and the only door behind me, and shown slide pictures of snakes, I was told this was when the actual snake would be brought in a glass aquarium from behind me.  If this had happened, I (or any real snake phobic) would have gone “ape-shit” and that would have been the end of the experiment and the start of a lawsuit if I and/or they had survived.

No one knows everything and we never will.  We just have to live with ambiguity in our lives.  Concrete knowledge is desired and claimed by some, but can not usually be true in actual reality.

Is this Green?

Another supposedly concrete example of ambiguity is the spectrum of colors.  The is no such thing usually as a pure color and the changing fashions in fashion design and interior decorating illustrate this.  For example, a color of green that is fashionable in yarn for crocheting and knitting goes out of style and it goes on sale.  Someone making items from this yarn for sale at craft fairs might not get many buyers.  This color of green no longer is fashionable.  Or pick up an old or vintage handmade throw at a flea market and it might not go with the things you currently have where you plan to use it.  Did you know that the color green or other primary colors can be ambiguous?

Be Careful, Before You Make a Judgment, Or Form An Opinion

Looks like she loves making judgments!

 

 

 

Be careful before you form an opinion or make a judgment as you just might be wrong.  Do you have all the information?  Whose side are you on?  Does that distort your perspective?  Have you ever done this and found out later that you were wrong?  Remember the saying, “Don’t jump to conclusions?”

 

 

You Might Reveal Your Own Dirt!

The judgments that you make are pretty revealing not so much about the other person, but about you.  Do you really want to make that mistake and reveal that much about your own shortcomings and not the other person’s?  The common error that philanders often make is to accuse their spouse or significant other of running around on them.  The accusations that they make about the other person, reveal so much about them.  The details are often very descriptive about what is actually happening with them.  How else could they know so much about what happens in such relationships?

 

Prying Eyes

I once had a lady in church who accused me of not taking care of my kids and disrupting the service.  Her first thought was not to give me (my husband was not there) some help taking care of the kids, two toddlers, and a baby; but what a fine job she had done with her’s and how her children would never have disrupted a church service.  This is a kind of a mystery but it can be solved using the advice that I gave above.  What had she experienced bringing up her children that caused her to be so sensitive to the “misbehavior” of mine?

 

Needs Writer’s Block

Recent “fake” news often gives a one-sided story and jumps to conclusions before all the facts are in.  To top it off, they rarely publish a correction when more information becomes available.  Do you want to put yourself in that position?  Gossip 0r unsubstantiated conclusions can cause irreparable damage besides making you the teller look like a fool.  Or even revealing your own personal biases.  Rose-colored glasses often aren’t the ideal prescription for viewing life nor are dark colored lenses which are usable for sunny days only.

 

Where’s The Lottery Ticket?

A strong desire to be helpful can also get in the way of knowing the actual truth which can potentially turn out to be embarrassing.  Like famous people with publicity agents, families can often put out what they want the public to know about a family tragedy or life-changing event.  You could wind up with egg on your face if you initially take the initial “publicity release”  as the whole actual truth rather than what they want you to know for the time being.  A massive lottery win is often kept quiet so that the winners are not taken advantage of by opportunists.  Could you think of other examples?

 

This will make some juicy gossip for someone!

 

 

 

Don’t be so taken in by the desire to be in o the gossip that you make one of the above mistakes.  Better yet, wait until you know the truth.  Then you can decide whether to share it with anyone or do anything.  Of course, there are always emergencies where you must make split-second decisions without out all the information about what is going on.   This can be embarrassing if you make a mistake or horrific if you pass up this opportunity to help when time is of the essence.

 

Has the post made you think?  I hope so.  Can you think of any other occasions when these things might happen?

 

Aging Gracefully For Other People, Not yourself (Or Thinking About (“A Place For Mom”) ut

 

With the Baby Boomers coming into the picture, there are more of us who are dealing with the problems of aging.  One of them occurs when others tell those who are aging what they should do and how they should be.  This makes those among us who are aging feel that we are no longer in charge of our own destinies and that it is all downhill the rest of our lives.  Thus we tend not to maintain our intellect, our bodies, and our skills.

Another problem is we seem to not be able to know our own minds, understand our own medical problems, and what we are capable or not capable of doing.  Recently I began treatment for sleep apnea.  I realized from what the doctors said and what I have read and experienced that it was serious enough that it was occasionally interfering with my consciousness and this led to me not driving for a while until my sleep apnea improved with the use of a CPAP machine.

How this problem with sleep apnea was interpreted by some of my family was wrong and I got criticized for saying anything to the doctor (while it really was the truth).  I wound up losing my right to drive until it cleared up.  P.S. I had wanted my family (just before this happened) to drive me to get immediate medical care for asthma on one of these occasions that I experienced this while driving.

 

Secondly, there were no restrictions on my driving before this happened; but after, my family wants to place restrictions on my driving which would include having someone with me and limiting my driving to a certain local area.  While I am limiting my driving on my own to local communities, doctor’s appointments, and church, having certain someone’s with me inspecting my driving isn’t going to help matters.  I want my mind on the wheel and not on those kinds of distractions.

I have physical disabilities, but over time I have improved in terms of what I can and can not do.  Aren’t I supposed to get worse or might that really happen because I am supposed to give up and totally decline in terms of what I am able to do?  I have increased the amount of housekeeping and shopping I do.  I babysit grandchildren while my husband watches TV.  Keeps me busy.  I post on my website each week and balance my checkbook and pay my bills each month.  I have traveled sometimes on my own.

Question is how do those younger in my family or other younger acquaintances perceive me?  Is it for their own convenience or is it from their misguided perceptions of aging?  Beware, is aging caused by time or by what other people expect or by just giving up?

I continually increase my current knowledge in many areas (usually by reading).  I do scan the internet, I watch the news, I follow fashion magazines and TV programs, and I follow the interior decorating channels and magazines as well as religious and spiritual issues in print, on TV, and the internet.  I even talk to myself (sometimes I don’t have an appropriate audience) and my friends formulating ideas for presentations I would like to give on various subjects.  Oh, and my family worries if I say anything on the internet or in my blog I might embarrass myself (what about them?).  P.S. they don’t read my blog and if they did it probably it would probably be to edit it, not read it.  I have been writing this blog for five years.

Shame & Blame! How to Play The Game And Not Be Played!

How many of us do not know how to play the game of shame and blame?  Many of us.  We can easily be used to feel at fault for somebody else’s action.  To them, it is a game to easily revert the responsibility for something that they could get caught for doing to you.  Or vice versus.  They could also make you feel bad for them when they have gotten caught doing something that they want you to perceive as really doing something good.

Blame is when the responsibility for doing something bad is attributed to someone and then because of this, they should feel ashamed for having done something.  This can be “tricky” when it involves you and you don’t know what is going on.  It is the “do-gooders” that can be easily be caused to feel ashamed.  The “bad people” often use this trick with “do-gooders” and they don’t even know it.  ” They are too busy apologizing and attempting to rectify their “mistake”.

When feeling ashamed whether they should or not, people try to forget the act related to having felt ashamed (which is sometimes called repression) or hide it (see https://myeverydaypsychology.com/hiding-shame-based-interactions/) or they get mad and attack the person making the claim mentally or physically or they accept the blame or some of the blame and “feel down” about what they did or did not do.  These are SHAME SHIELDS, presented by Brene Brown,  Ph.D. in a free continuing education seminar, “On The Armour, We Use To Protect Ourselves And Why It Doesn’t Serve Us”.

Children are not pawns.  Their needs are! more important than yours.  Unless you are prepared to give instead of receive, probably you should not have children.  You need to put their needs before yours, even if you are inconvenienced, have to make some sacrifices, and don’t immediately get reinforced.  Done right, it pays off in the long run with children who have good values shown by the ability in most situations to support themselves, raise good children (if they have them), and being able at some point in their lives be able to thank you for doing this.

On the one hand, she might have a good reason, on the other hand…

Often the first move of these people is to blame you or others instead of themselves for the thing they have done or for something you actually might think you have done in order to deflect responsibility for their own behavior.  This person can often get mad very quickly before you or their victim can have time to think and can be made to go on the defensive.  This deflects or reflects the responsibility from themselves to you or to someone else.  They are often very good at this so don’t be fools and see the blame as being on you or someone else instead of them.

Have you ever lost an argument this way?  Or have you ever won an argument this way?  This generally leads to mass confusion on somebody’s part and on the part of some people who hear about this agreement.  The feeling of shame usually immediately follows and can last for days, months, and even years.  I had a stepsister-in-law who was an alcoholic and called up her mother when drunk to blame her for all the things that had happened to her because of her own behavior, not really her mom’s behavior.

Sometimes she looked like this to me.

She browbeat this woman for things she couldn’t control like this woman’s husband deserting her with three kids to support and raise in the Depression.  This woman was so good at transferring the blame that she was lethal and our children were not left alone with her unless a responsible adult was also there.  Even then, they didn’t need to hear the things she had to say so they were kept away from her as much as possible.  She could also play the game of feeling “hurt” when this became obvious.  P.S. Occasionally she handmade some dolls for our children and they still have them so it wasn’t all negative

Shame can be an immediate feeling of feeling bad from one part of the brain, the amygdala

which responds quickly, without thinking, like this cat with road rage.

It is responsible for emergency bodily responses and probably responds before a person has time to reach the part of the brain that wonders why they feel bad (or good).  Remember the times that you thought you didn’t have time to think and just responded.  I am not chastising you for feeling immediate shock or grief in certain tragic situations.  Sometimes feelings are part of a bodily response that enables you to respond quickly in an emergency.

Have you ever been played like a piano in one of these situations where “shame” or “blame” comes into play?  Sometimes someone else does it and sometimes you do it to yourself often based on old scripts in your mind based on past experiences.  My script is that I have done something wrong that I didn’t know was wrong at the time.  It could be something “stupid” or “thoughtless” or something that a person got really mad about although I couldn’t have done anything about it at the time.

People can thoughtlessly ruin relationships in this way.  Maybe they think that they are in competition with someone like me for the desired person’s love or loyalty.  I can feel really guilty at the time and grieve for the loss of a crucial relationship apparently someone else coveted.  I can not help but think the person involved with my friend never knew and/or felt that she had done this and was to some part responsible for my loss and my friend’s loss too.  (This is also a form of drama and  I have written about this elsewhere in my blog.  See also a book by Doreen Virtue, Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How to Break Free of Negativity and Drama, ( A writer who writes about things like drama in a way that is easily understood and covers a lot of material about the subject.  (See also one she has written one eating disorders, The Yo-Yo Diet Syndrome:  How to Heal and Stabilize Your Appetite and Weight)  As with many good writers you may not be drawn to everything she writes but also she writes on other subjects that could be of personal interest to you.  See also, The Courage To Be Creative: How to Believe in Yourself, Your Dreams, and Ideas, and Your Creative Career Path by Doreen Virtue.  The content of which seems to parallel the origins of my interests in writing.  Both by Doreen Virtue at Hay House publishers.