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Leading People On By Those Who Should Know Better


Academic (Photo credit: tim ellis)

Leading people on is a scam.  Here’s one you didn’t think about awhile back.  How many worthless college degrees are there out there?  How much in student loans is owed and can’t be paid off in this economy.  I bet you know at least one person like that.  I know several.

Colleges and their financial aid offices are leading people on.  These days a college degree doesn’t guarantee you a good job anymore, perhaps not even a job.  Accurate numbers are not being kept of people with college degrees who have given up looking for a job.  Also how many people are working only part-time or even at minimum wage service jobs?  Add to this the number of people who are working at jobs where a college degree is not needed and also in an area that they did not complete their studies in.  Last but not least how many people are stay-at-home moms or dads because even with their college degrees they can’t find a job that pays enough so they can afford a babysitter?

Leading people on is a scam in which promises are not kept.  College students are encouraged to acquire more debt than they can  pay.   Is this a problem with truth in advertising?  We have had that problem in the housing industry with people buying more house than they can afford.  It is not bad enough that these college graduates can often only get a job paying a subsistence wage with which they have trouble making ends meet.  Then they have to pay off  an exorbitant amount of college debt as well.  Is there such a thing as ethics to consider in loaning money to someone who will not be able to pay it back and in offering educations that won’t pay any return on the investment?


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Concealing One’s Motives

But-behavior-in-the-human-being-is-sometimes-a-defense,-a-way-of-concealing-motives-and-thoughts,-as-language-can-be-a-way-of-hiding-your-thoughts-and-preventing-communication.Concealing ones motives happens all the time.  Oh, what tangled webs we weave when first we practice to deceive.  The motive behind this is that people wouldn’t believe us or do what we want them to do if we made clear our real motivation.  Deception is rampant.  Many people do not feel that honesty is the best policy.  People feel that they would not get what they want if they told the truth.

Concealing one’s motives also happens when a person feels that the behavior would not be acceptable by others if they knew the real motive.  People like to pass judgments on other people and to avoid being embarrassed or rejected, people conceal why they really do something.  People are often discouraged by other people’s reactions from asking for what they really want or saying who they really are even though their needs, their desires, and even their own identities are not supported by this.

Concealing ones motives happens when we do not trust others.  The real reason we want to do something might give the other person information that they could use to hurt us.  For example, if telling the real reason we have done or want to do something, has something to do with our sexual orientation or religious beliefs.  Prejudice is a big reason some people do not tell the truth.

Live and let live is a motto to have when understanding other people’s behaviors and it leads to other people not concealing one’s motives.


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Read My Lips!

Read my lips, “Hello, out there.  I don’t exist just for other peoples’ convenience.”  I made a crack to some friends in the same situation the other day about how I started my indentured servitude in 1975 and it hadn’t ended yet.  Have  I paid yet for my passage into married life?

Read my lips, “Why do I get taken for granted?”  Back when I traveled and worked outside the home, I had a sign put up that said, “Your mother doesn’t work here please pick up after yourself.”  Of course, no one in the house obeyed the sign.

Read my lips, ” I am someone besides the housekeeper, your personal shopper,  your wife, your mother, and your kids’ grandmother.”   It was suggested that I write a proposal for what I would really like to do with my life.  That stymied me.Personal_Identity_Project_by_LaceX_Foxypowow

Read my lips, “I have always been a mystery to my family, not only my family of birth, but also my current family.  This started in childhood with my father.  He would take me places for activities and pick me up from them; but he never knew what I was doing.  I had the lead in my senior high school play and for all he knew, I had a bit part.  It was a mystery to him.  He supported me financially; and he usually knew where the money was going but not necessarily what for?

Read my lips, “Isn’t about time you and I started living our lives, not vicariously those of others, but our own.”  Have you lost sight of where you were going?  Did you ever know where you were going?  In my mother’s eyes, I was supposed to be a housewife and mother.  She understood that as she was one herself and she did a good job, not only at the basics, but also at the extras like being a room mother, a seamstress,  and a vegetable and landscape gardener.

identity-mind-map-19cc91tRead my lips, “Move over Kim Kardashian, it is my time to shine.”  It is time to stop doing without so others can have what they want.  It is time to be recognized for what I can do, do what I want to do, and go where I want to go.  I have a way with words, I have a good aesthetic sense, I have a singing voice, I am funny, I am well educated,  and it is time I stopped putting myself on the back burner.

Read my lips, “This is my personal space too.”  (I am talking about my house.)  I don’t mind others giving me suggestions, but the final decision should be mine.  I have to live in it, spend the most time in it, look at it, and be inspired by it everyday.  Yet, it constantly reminds me of what needs to be done and how it has been let go.   I feel as if I have little if any power to do anything about it.

Read my lips, “The fight for women’s liberation has not yet been won.”  ( I was there when it started and I won’t tell you how long ago that was.)  Yes, I could write a another whole post on being a wage slave and spending the majority of one’s life working for someone else’s goals.


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How To Think Out Of The Box

thinkingoutoftheboxSometimes we don’t just pass judgments on people too quickly, we do the same with information.  I have been reading (please forgive me men as I usually skip looking at the hunting books) interior decorating books lately.  With three of them although I initially wasn’t too much interested in the topics they covered and even after I  looked them over and I still was not was not too inspired, I found that after I looked at the pictures and read the text included about them that I took away some good ideas I could use in decorating in the future.  One that I particularly found uninviting was a book on “green” decorating and they (as far as I was concerned) took it to extremes.  One of the things I did learn from that book was what to look for in quality furniture or fabrics that would last and would not have to be replaced in the near future or perhaps in any one person’s lifetime.

This involves thinking out of the box and it is easily missed because we often focus on information about things we like and not on things we don’t like.  We often think that most of the material on stuff that we are not interested in will be useless; but we often miss information that is covered that could be useful to us; but that we either think will not be covered in that treatment of the topic or we reject out of hand because it is associated with stuff we dislike or disapprove off.  We tend to generalize and if one thing we dislike is associated with something, we may reject everything associated with it.  This is one of the problems with prejudice.  One bad experience with a certain religious organization or cultural group can lead to a person rejecting the whole organization or group and even anything associated with them.

applevalleyTo think out of the box, do the following.  Please take a closer or more thorough look at things before tarring everything associated with it with the same brush.  Take for example, visiting foreign countries can be seen by some people as a trying experience because so many things will be unfamiliar and an acquired taste.  Be a little bold.  Try a taste of something.  Visit a different climate or explore a different landscape.  I was surprisingly very impressed when I visited Apple Valley in the desert east of Los Angles, California.  I didn’t go to see the desert.  In fact, I was worried about the snakes there and I was not excited about eating only vegetarian food during my stay there.  I went because I wanted to attend a workshop being offered there.  I thought I had landed on the moon when I looked out over the desert and saw the horizon in the distance to be so very far away.

Here is how to think out of the box.  Take a chance try different things, learn about different things, go to different places and you might find something that you might have missed otherwise by staying with the comfortable and the familiar.

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Doing Things For Others

Doing things for others can backfire.  If they didn’t do it for themselves and it doesn’t work, they can blame you.  You can be a built-in scapegoat.  You can start to be taken for granted.

Doing things for others can promote harmony.  It is the middle child syndrome.  You don’t want people to fight and maybe you can guess what compromise can work here.  You spend more time thinking of what would please others and less or no time thinking about what you might want to do or have in the situation.

Doing for others all the time can lower instead of raise your self esteem.  Have you lost all sense of what is truly right for you?  For example, in a restaurant do you have trouble deciding what to order and you are the last one to order after everybody else has placed their orders.  Then do you regret that you ordered whatever it was and that is proof that you don’t know what you want and you shouldn’t trust yourself to make those decisions..  Now you don’t enjoy your meal out.

Doing things for others can be rewarding if you make someone’s life a little easier when you could make it a little harder.  Often in these situations it is at little or no cost to you.  Spread a little joy.  Speak up when you really want to do something you want to do anyway and contribute this to the decision-making process.

English: A poster at the Occupy Boston demonst...

English: A poster at the Occupy Boston demonstration explaining the decision process in use. (Photo credit Tim Pierce

You may be the type of person who doesn’t want to rock the boat and negative feelings for you or for others can be very unsettling and you can get upset over somebody else getting upset.  You might think it is worth it to do this just to have peace.  Remember some very bad things have happened and no one who observes them happening does anything about it.  Sometimes you have to speak out for yourself and/or others.

It may be easier in a family to just give in in order to get out the door so to speak.  However, the people in the family who always get their way learn very little about how to compromise or share in any given situation.  They find out later that people outside the family group don’t necessarily share their likes and dislikes and they don’t have the experience of other people speaking up for themselves.    Finally such a person may be rejected by others outside the family because of his or her learned self-centered behavior.

Doing things for others can leave you out.

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Getting Upset Over Something

loveyouradultchildrenGetting upset over something sometimes means you have a tender heart.  I see you getting upset over something and it breaks my heart.  No, I am not upset over what upset you for what could I do to keep that from happening to you?  Getting upset over something small seems to be your fate and when I get involved, it seems to be too late.

Getting upset over something that happens to you seems to be my problem too.  I don’t want to see you hurt and what hurts you hurts me.  The first time it happened (or when it first happened in a big way) it ruined my day.  I cried with you and sobbed my heart out.  It was terrible that I couldn’t do anything to mend your heart on my part.

When you (the keeper of my heart) get upset over something about which you can do nothing and which was not really your fault at the start, it is harder to do something about it as you never had control to start with. You can do little, if anything, about it now.  You are upset when someone does something for you and it doesn’t work out and you know there is no way you can fix it after the fact.  I feel bad for you and here I am getting upset over something that I didn’t cause in the first place just like you and I can’t fix it either.  Getting upset over something is easy to do and harder to fix when it is not you.

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It’s All About You


Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

I was raised to think that my first thought should be, “What will other people think?” when I did something.  I grew up thinking that “other people” were more important than me.  Yes, my parents were included in that important group of people that I should always defer to; but even my parents were not as important as “other people” were.

This continued on into my adult life as long as my parents were alive.  This was the main consideration my mother had when I told her that I was going to get a divorce.  She was more concerned with the stigma that being divorced would give me among her friends and family than she was with my well being.

Back when I was first married, I remember coming home to visit my parents by myself and I was wearing a brand new bright red maxi coat which I dearly loved and when it became time to go to church the next day, my mother said, “You are not going to wear that,” and she actually expected me to wear instead one of my old coats that I had left at her house.  I stood up for myself and I told her that I was not going to church if I couldn’t wear my new coat.

When I remarried and had children and we were visiting my mother and the other grandchildren were coming to visit too, my mother would become critical of my children and not the others.  We were glad when we could leave and escape being found wanting when compared to the rest of the family.  Oh, believe it or not, later after she died, my cousins told me that she secretly bragged on my children when we weren’t there.  I know she was raised to think that way and her growing up experience was not easy as my grandmother (her mother) was often sick and withdrawn from the family leaving her and her sister with the help of their father who had to work to  fend for themselves.  I am sure she didn’t know what to tell other people when they asked what was wrong.

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It Is All About Me

Is it all about me or is it all about you either can reflect a biased perspective.  From caring too much what other people think to not caring about other people at all unless you need and/or are getting something from them from an emotional reaction, their full attention, to an inheritance.

I have always thought about hospital visitors.  When they begin talking about their own past hospitalizations and current maladies, they monopolize and take center stage.  No matter how sick the other person is, how horrific their injuries, the persons in the hospital room are monopolizing the conversation and often the person who is ill needs to rest or have some medical treatment and the hospital patient feels he or she can’t do it while the “company” is there.

What is also “sick” is when it is with a parent and adult child and the roles are reversed for once.  At that time the parent is reasonably well and you would think be concerned about the child’s welfare.  For example, a daughter is having a baby and only wants, her husband, her friend (who has been through this herself), and the medical staff to be there during labor and delivery.  If you were the mother would your feelings be hurt and would you pressure the daughter also have you in the room at that time declaring that your rights and privileges as a grandparent take precedence.


Monopoly (Photo credit: Mike_fleming)

Sometimes you need to take care of you no matter what other people may feel or think.  I think that at the end stage of delivery when the mother is preoccupied with her own discomfort, her health, and that of the baby is a time when she usually forgets about who is there to see the baby being born, that her  language ought to be appropriate, being embarrassed by showing off her feminine parts, etc.  When that happened to me.  All bets were off.  What I said and did were normal at this time.  (Please note it is nice to have an ombudsman present who can speak for the mother and her rights and needs, when she is having trouble remaining conscious.)

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Letting Others Control You

What other people think of you is important to you.  How you “make” other people feel can determine what you will do and say in different situations.  Yes, you should own what you actually do to others and its real life consequences; but you should should not be so unselfconfident that you go where ever the wind of other people’s opinions and emotional reactions blows you.

Calm Sunset

Calm Sunset (Photo credit: me’nthedogs)

Who are you?  Do you know?  Being even tempered and calm can help you make it in life.  There is a small inner voice that can guide you in terms of what you ought to do.  Do you listen to others or do you listen to it?  This is often called your instinct or intuition.  People who aren’t in touch with this part of themselves have difficulty making decisions.  They second guess themselves.  They don’t offer an opinion or make a choice until after they have heard what others think or are going to do.

People wonder how other people can sometimes keep their cool.  We have to be aware of what sets us off, what we can’t seem to resist, and what we think we have to have.  We really need very little, but we think we need much more.  This has been conditioned into us by our upbringing in society.  Through anthropology, we have learned of what we call primitive groups of people who lead very happy satisfied lives and have very little of what we think we need to have in “civilized” society.

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It Is Never Too Late


budget (Photo credit: The Survival Woman)

It is never too late and it is never too early to budget your time and especially your money.  Some of the most important things in life, we rely on experience to learn.  For example, being pregnant and giving birth, keeping a home, and raising children is something people frequently have to learn the hard way.  Some of this in the past was taught to children by having them learn by doing,  by modeling behavior, and/or by having children shadow their parents.

Many articles about the causes of divorce and marital conflict highlight budgeting money and housework as the chief or most common problems that develop conflict.  Yet, we often do not anticipate these problems when set out on our own and establish our own household or family.  We limp along and rely on credit and wind up in serious financial straits with no idea of what we can afford to spend, to borrow to  pay for a house and/or a car, and still pay our bills.

As our income improves, we often do not use it wisely.  We see ourselves as having increased buying power and credit card companies encourage us to take on an even larger debt load rather than paying them off.  It is like a house of cards ready to collapse at almost any time when a small breeze (decrease in income in terms of increase in deductions for medical insurance or reduction in pay due to a dem0tion, loss of job, or becoming a part-time employee instead of a full time employee, the death or loss of an income provider, another child especially one with serious medical problems, a dependent parent, and property loss due to fire or storm damage) comes along.

I remember in high school being taught how to fill out an income tax return and how useful that was especially when I had to figure out my parents income and expenses to apply for financial aid for college.  Some schools have kids carry around a five pound sack of flour or a very realistic baby doll 24/7 that requires frequent feedings and diaper changing as well as not being able to be left alone.  Tutoring children, adolescents, and young adults in how to finance their current or future lifestyle makes sense.

Why should learning the most important things in life be left to chance.  Few people learn to budget their time and money because they like to do it, usually they don’t do it until they have to do it and then they often make a mess of it.  Yes, we rely a lot on parents to do this; but how can they do this when they weren’t taught to do this themselves.  Our society thrives on financially competent people who can take care of themselves; but we do little to promote this.  Instead we encourage dependency on welfare and government payments to take up the slack which is getting bigger and bigger.  Some people when this happens (God bless them) learn to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps; but this can be a big price to pay for financial independence which they might have been able to learn how to have before they went out on their own.

Do you fit this picture?  Is there anything you can do about it before it is too late?

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