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narcissism

Old Rolls Or Old Roles

rp_300px-Nuclearfamily.jpgOld rolls or old roles?  Which are staler.  Have you changed even so you might fall back into old roles when you are back in an old situation.  The expectations can still be there and you can’t resist them.  Does everybody eat at the dining role table when you eat in the kitchen even though you are not a child anymore.  Do you wait until everybody else has eaten before you even attempt to eat your food?  Anticipating a family visit can take you back to childhood, adolescence and possibly young adulthood. and when you actually get there it can be even worse.  The cues that used to set you or family members off, still do.  Okay, it doesn’t happen for you.  What about your partner when they visit their family.

Do we ever grow up in spite of our families?  Daddy’s girl or mama’s boy are roles that are easily taken up again when around mommy or daddy again.  Do you or did you have a sibling that used to boss you around, always got their way , or could beat you in a fight verbal or physical?  Were you the “STAR”, the one always recognized for your accomplishments or were you invisible and if you you did anything that achieved  recognition,  did certain or all other family members ignore it or worse yet  not even know that something like that happened?

Old habits die hard. Do family members that were used to giving you orders still order you around effectively when you are around them?  Do you pick up the check, wash the dishes, mind the little children while the rest of the family doesn’t even thank you and may even go off without you.  Enabling, double binds reassert themselves.  Do they order for you, refuse to get you a drink, or comment on your hair or what you wear or even go so far as to pick out what you wear.rp_Yes_stars_drama_logo.png

Worse yet do you become sick or somewhat spacey when planning to make a home visit.  Worse yet can be family reunions where you are given no choice as to what happens or do you do the opposite and wind up planning the whole thing with everybody else’s wishes, preferences, and time schedules in mind, not yours, because it is easier for you to just give in.  Do you find yourself not making a fuss even when you are grossly inconvenienced.  If it is your partner’s family reunion, do you get taken along for the ride and have a miserable time.  Do old dramas reoccur like Uncle George drinking all the spiked punch and getting sick and puking all over someone’s pants or carpet.

Do you wonder why you went.  Was it just to go and put in an appearance.  Did it even mess up your schedule and cause you to miss something else that you would have preferred to go to another family reunion, or a planned event with hard to get tickets.  Do the people there smoke, drink excessively, or cuss outrageously even in front of children?  How many of these events have you enjoyed? in the past ten years.rp_Send_It_On.png

Are you still the scapegoat at these events like a school reunion, etc..  Or worse yet do you still get bullied or even worse yet emotionally , physically, or sexually abused.  Some times sexual abuse by a family friend or member does not stop when the victim reaches adulthood.  Do the people there go off into their own groups (old school friends) and leave you on the fringe. Or instead do you lapse into old negative behaviors deliberately talking about things and doings while openly leaving someone out and who has a miserable time.

I suggest a spa visit before to get ready or better yet after to pamper yourself.  Aim to just live through it and give yourself some quiet decompression time possibly both before and after the visit.  Reward yourself for getting through it even if you only went out of obligation such as  “Honor thy father and mother.”  You might even go so far as to do or not do one thing that that you usually don’t do or do (almost helplessly) on these occasions.  Stand up for yourself, but be totally prepared for what might happen if you do this.  These people can still push your  buttons even if they have not been pushed in a long time.

Okay you are strong; you wouldn’t let this happen to you.  What about letting it happen to somebody else just because this was the way it always used to be.  You don’t want to cause any conflict.  Worse yet then they might pick on you too.  Have you really matured and do what you think is right rather than falling back into going along with the crowd.  “The crowd” can exert a lot of pressure and you may be seen as spoiling their good time.

Celebrate Yourself?

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Do you keep a low profile.  Do you wait for others to celebrate you life landmarks and they never do?  Did you miss your graduation? because it was too much pomp and circumstance and you saved everybody the hassle of coming to it.  I have my Ph.D. from the University of Wisconsin; but I don’t know what my academic colors are because I didn’t go.  I didn’t feel I should make everyone make the trip back  as when I finished I was no longer on campus.

Only two people were invited to our wedding, the witnesses.  I don’t believe I have ever celebrated my anniversary with a special date night on the town.  Is it bad to blow your own horn?  I bought my own birthday cake and my friends knew I was celebrating my 70th birthday last November but my family didn’t know it wasn’t an ordinary birthday (Don’t worry it has been almost a year and either I am getting used to it or getting over it (being 70)).  Many achievements in college I didn’t get to celebrate with my family because they couldn’t make the trip but my mother did come for my graduation.  But when my son and my son-in-law graduated from the training academy, we went.

If you don’t celebrate yourself, no one one else will.  If you don’t think you are worth it, no one else will?  Your attitude toward yourself communicates itself nonverbally to others and they treat you the same way you treat yourself.  I can be very professional when I know I am right and have the responsibility to do what is right!  But it doesn’t carry over sometimes to my family and friends.  Even the grand kids have begun to question my authority.  But I’m not going to back down for their sake.

I have a list of complements hidden on the back of my medicine cabinet door that I would like to get; but it is not posted where anyone could see it.  Why are we encouraged to be so self-effacing?  I am the opposite of a narcissist I guess.  Stand up, stand up for what you believe in including yourself.  I hesitate to share my opinions at home or at family occasions so nobody knows what I think there.  I hesitate because I might embarrass myself or others like family or friends.  Keep your mouth shut.   Ever hear of that?

Self-help materials suggest that you associate with only supportive friends in order to keep your self-esteem high.  Of course that can keep you in denial by only associating with people who agree with you.  Is there a happy medium?  Are you lying to yourself or do other people keep trying to put you down?

Out With The Old, In With The New Or Is It In With The Old Out With The New?

There are a lot of articles about decluttering your house, your apartment, your dorm room or your room at home.  How about decluttering your life or better yet your mind!  How long do we hang on to old ideas like old clothes, old newspapers, or worn out shoes?   We haven’t used them in the last few years or we haven’t reevaluated them recently to see if they still serve their purpose or reflect who we are.  Have you ever noticed a woman or a man who hasn’t changed their style of dressing and/or hair style since they were much younger?  It may not suit them anymore but they continue to wear them.

Now Is The Time That....

Now Is The Time That….

When we are younger, we learn rapidly and may change our minds just as fast.  Have we changed who influences us and/or what we believe? even if we have found evidence or had experiences to the contrary?  Sometimes we are even proud of this.  Yes, if it still makes sense continue to believe it.  Or do you not change your opinions or the way you practice your beliefs because of stubborness and/ or pride.  Or are you afraid that someone will find you to be easy to be led by the ring in your nose? or just plain wishywashy?  Who controls your life?  Is that what you really want?

Who controls your life?  good?  or evil?  How comfortable are you about the decisions you have made?  Are you afraid of losing your identity. of not knowing who you are any more if you realize that rp_KUWtK_titlecard.pngyou need to reconsider some of the decisions  you have made about yourself and your life.  Remember what works for one person may not work for another and you may be unhappy if you follow the crowd and continue to judge yourself by what you think that the crowd thinks is important.  Anthropology is the study of different cultures in different lands and it might surprise some people if they study anthropology that different people find different things and different behaviors necessary to be considered civilized or attractive.  In our society, consider Kim Kardashian’s  posterior anatomy which some men find very enticing.

This is especially true if a person is raised to follow some standard because of what other people might think.  This is as true of teenaged gang members as it is or was of teenagers in Beverly Hills.  Isn’t it amazing that sometimes someone will do something or wear something that is very original that will start a new trend that then it seems like everyone now has to admire and/or follow?  I was raised that way and I wondered why everybody was more important than me.  Such a thing detracts from one’s self-worth.

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There is room for a lot of different beliefs in the world if one believes in freedom.  Why do some people think that they have to destroy or convert (often by threat of death) anyone who does not believe as they do?  Diversity can be a good thing.  It is often a good thing if most people like different things and activities.  If their were no people who liked to cook how would we get something to eat?  What makes one occupation better than another?  Who would fix our toilets or collect our trash?  Is an airplane pilot more skilled than an airplane mechanic.
When my brother was in the U.S. Air Force, he told me that in the Canadian Air Force that pilots were sergeants and mechanics were lieutenants just the opposite of what was true of the U.S.
Air Force.

Another thing to consider is if we should be constantly changing to something new like the new core curriculum in schools?  It appears too complicated for elementary students to grasp or even for adults?  Who is going to help children with their math?  Homework already has been difficult enough for parents to help with.  What happened to common sense?  What happened to the freedom of school districts to determine what and how to teach something.  Different teachers have different strengths and can use different approaches to teach the same thing from other teachers or within the classroom with different students.  Why are these choices being made more and more by people who are far removed from the very situation that  they are making the decisions for.  A good leader uses his or her employees’ or supervisees’ knowledge and strengths in order to make decisions.  They also delegate authority when appropriate..

 

Self Conscious, You Are Not Alone

rp_8779146668_6e5def7ac9_n.jpgSelf-conscious?  You are not alone.  In a new social situation, you may not be the main attraction.  You may be ignored, not on purpose, but because other people are greeting and talking with people that they know.  They may not be aware that they are ignoring you even if they invited you in the first place.

Why are we so self-conscious?  Well, we are the center of our own world and we often forget that we are not the center of some other person’s world.  Also we tend to be so critical in this society that we couldn’t possibly think that other people aren’t judging us.

In a new social situation, it may just be that it will take some time for you to fit in and for you to get the hang of it.  Everyone has been “the new kid on the block sometime”.   Celebrities often fall prey to the idea that everybody is always looking at them and they think that they want to be ignored, but really don’t.

Just as obnoxious is the person who thinks that everybody wants to hear what they have to say and they take over a group discussion or conversation and don’t give anyone else a chance.  I attend a lot of workshops and there always seems to be someone who thinks that their comments and questions are so important that they dominate the discussion showing how brilliant and erudite they are.  They don’t get the subtle hints from the audience that they ought to move on.

This can be very boring for the rest of the audience if the leader does not cut this person off after a reasonable amount of time or suggest that everybody might like to hear from someone else.  At local social occasions, there always is someone about whom people say there comes so and so again, let’s get out of here.

Sometimes it seems hard to strike a happy medium in these situations just because people tend to think that they are the center of attention even when they are being ignored, deliberately or accidentally.  Don’t be so self-conscious.  Pay attention to what is going on around you and see how you might fit in once you get the hang of it.  No, you are not the center of attention just because you are so awful or because you are so great.  Give other people a chance and move over.  When it is your turn, you’ll know it.  Just don’t remain clueless as to your real effect on a group.

 

 

 

Rules To Become A Better Person

English: Graphic on forgiveness

English: Graphic on forgiveness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What rules do I have for being a better person?  I answered this question in a post of another website.  Some are easily remembered and others I often am only reminded of when I do not follow them.

Rules To Become A Better Person:

Don’t pass judgments on others.  This means too that I will keep a rein on any criticizing.  As the Bible says, “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone.”

To forgive all wrongs that have been done to me and in doing so practice extreme forgiveness.  Not to hold a grudge.  Not to carry resentments against others.  Going even further this means forgiving every person whose behavior I have let effect negatively me in some way even going so far as to forgive radical terrorists.

Ask that what happens be not just for my own good but also for the good of others.

To work on keeping the word, “should”, out of my vocabulary.  That is more for my own good than the good of others.

Keeping a good attitude towards life.  Expecting the best instead of the worst.

To keep the amount of worrying that I do down to a minimum.  If I must think about potential problem, let it be in order to plan ahead.

To constantly wish for the best for others (and for myself and my loved ones).

To remember humans are not God’s only creations and to treat those in the animal, plant, and also the mineral kingdom like I would like to be treated.

To rejoice in the blessings that others receive and to be happy for them.

To put the best construction on everything.  That is to not always assign evil motives to others’ actions.

Not to let fear or anger take over my life and determine what I do and say.  Going even further, to not let fear paralyze me or anger turn into murderous rage.

To routinely meditate and practice having a quiet, peaceful mind.

Along with meditation, to keep an open mind and to never stop learning.  You will never know what you might discover.  Don’t limit yourself to studying under one teacher or mastering one spiritual discipline.

To love others as I love myself.  To bless all who I come in contact with and all who inhabit this place with me.

To love myself first and foremost and if I love myself, I will follow these rules.

To respect myself.  In order to do this, I need to act, think, and be that which I inwardly and spiritually need to be.

To practice self-discipline in everything I do since I am the only one responsible for my life and what I accomplish.

In other words, if I were God, what would I like for me to be?  With God, all things are possible; alone, I am only an imperfect being.

I have not been extremely pithy in doing this; but I will continue to think about this and revise my list as necessary.  I am not being God, I am just being what God wants me to be and it is the best thing for me.  Stay with me on my journey to self-realization and see if I can help you with yours.

Additions:

To love, respect, and honor children and (don’t forget) adolescents as well.

Above all, don’t  deliberately lie whether by omission or commission especially to yourself, your significant other, and your children when older and your parents when younger.

To not categorize people, whether by age, sexuality, cultural background, financial status,  political or religious beliefs or by the judgments of others.  I made it a point in school to not absolutely accept the judgments of teachers by what other people said.  I often found somebody’s difficult professor was a good one for me.  Also when I do put people in categories, I often am drawn into a situation where I have intimate contact with someone I categorized negatively.

Be discriminating when necessary, but not judgmental.

To consider that we all are equally loved and accepted in the eyes of God and we all have equal potential to be able to live up to what God expects of us.

 

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly, Our Shadow Selves

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is a well-known...

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is a well-known spaghetti western (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The good, the bad, and the ugly sides of ourselves are reflected back to us in the mirror of life.  We all have shadow selves.  They are parts of ourselves that we often deny having.  When we are vehemently for something or against something.  This tells a lot about ourselves, especially what we are against.  What we are against reflects what we fear exists in ourselves, our shadow selves.  Read more about this in a book by Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

What you absolutely can’t stand in someone else is what you absolutely can’t stand in yourself.  Control freak, narcissist, homosexual, you name it.  Anything that you dislike and can’t tolerate represents one of your shadow selves.  It is something that you fear that you might be or become.

Take the middle way as Buddha said.  Don’t give over all control to others and resent it.  Don’t always take control away from others and be hated for it.  Do everything in moderation.  Respect not only yourself, respect others too.    Spread love around but don’t forget to love yourself as well.

 

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Little Things Mean A Lot

little thingsLittle things mean a lot.  My grandson broke something of mine.  I saw it coming; but I didn’t get to stop him.  He is the oldest of the grandchildren and I expect a lot of him and he usually delivers it.  I realized I was as mad at myself as I was mad at him.  I knew I should have put the thing in a safer place.  I apologized to him for making such a big deal of it and suggested how he might help me fix it.  Then I forgot about it and had decided that no one could tell the broken part was missing anyway.  He surprised me recently having found one of my trinkets that could be used to replace the broken part.  Neither one of us was no longer upset.

Little things mean a lot.  Do you treat children with respect?  You expect them to do this for you.  Respect others.  Respect yourself.  What else should we teach them?  If we don’t treat them the way we would like to be treated?  How can we expect them to do it to us.  Some people think that with little people, those who are still children, with people who are serving them, with strangers, with people of a lower social class, etc., that they don’t have to bother doing the right thing.  They sometimes go a step further and use people like this as scapegoats and whipping boys to release anger and assign responsibility for something they don’t want to take the blame for.

Little things mean a lot.  You can make or break someone’s day.  You may instill discipline into a child, but not in a kind way.  Kids are people too.  It is not that everything you will do or say to them will not trigger a crying spell on their part.  But sometimes, it is not necessary to do this to get our point across and we do it anyway.  Children are a blessing, but sometimes we don’t treat them as one.

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People Who Believe Their Own Lies

Truth lies

Truth lies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People who believe their own lies.  Once I didn’t think it was possible, but now I do.  I have met too many of those type of people.  The next biggest problem is not only that they believe their own lies, but also they have to tell them to you over and over and you can’t leave until they are finished.  How polite is too polite?

The lies that people who believe their own lies tell are almost always preposterous.  Usually you don’t have to be an expert in the area he or she is talking about to know that the story you just heard can’t possibly be true.  For example, just how many life threatening operations can a person have in their life and still be alive to talk about them?

If almost any listener can’t believe the lies that people who believe their own lies tell, how do the liars believe them?  The stories that they tell are usually fantastic and are designed to astound the listener and stupefy the audience.  These liars continue to tell these stories over and over because they think that these tales will have this desired effect on the audience. They especially love to have new listeners who haven’t heard their stories before; but they often don’t stop to check and usually don’t remember or care if the listener has heard these stories before.

What is strangest of all about the people who believe their own lies is that as long as they have the floor, they don’t care whether they have told the story before or not.  Would you like me to introduce you to one of these people?  I didn’t think so.  There are certain people’s places that people don’t like to stop by even if they have a perfectly good reason to do so.  You know why of course.  Then there are people who know they are lying and are not telling the truth, but they don’t care because it doesn’t suit their purposes to tell the truth.

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Read My Lips!

Read my lips, “Hello, out there.  I don’t exist just for other peoples’ convenience.”  I made a crack to some friends in the same situation the other day about how I started my indentured servitude in 1975 and it hadn’t ended yet.  Have  I paid yet for my passage into married life?

Read my lips, “Why do I get taken for granted?”  Back when I traveled and worked outside the home, I had a sign put up that said, “Your mother doesn’t work here please pick up after yourself.”  Of course, no one in the house obeyed the sign.

Read my lips, ” I am someone besides the housekeeper, your personal shopper,  your wife, your mother, and your kids’ grandmother.”   It was suggested that I write a proposal for what I would really like to do with my life.  That stymied me.Personal_Identity_Project_by_LaceX_Foxypowow

Read my lips, “I have always been a mystery to my family, not only my family of birth, but also my current family.  This started in childhood with my father.  He would take me places for activities and pick me up from them; but he never knew what I was doing.  I had the lead in my senior high school play and for all he knew, I had a bit part.  It was a mystery to him.  He supported me financially; and he usually knew where the money was going but not necessarily what for?

Read my lips, “Isn’t about time you and I started living our lives, not vicariously those of others, but our own.”  Have you lost sight of where you were going?  Did you ever know where you were going?  In my mother’s eyes, I was supposed to be a housewife and mother.  She understood that as she was one herself and she did a good job, not only at the basics, but also at the extras like being a room mother, a seamstress,  and a vegetable and landscape gardener.

identity-mind-map-19cc91tRead my lips, “Move over Kim Kardashian, it is my time to shine.”  It is time to stop doing without so others can have what they want.  It is time to be recognized for what I can do, do what I want to do, and go where I want to go.  I have a way with words, I have a good aesthetic sense, I have a singing voice, I am funny, I am well educated,  and it is time I stopped putting myself on the back burner.

Read my lips, “This is my personal space too.”  (I am talking about my house.)  I don’t mind others giving me suggestions, but the final decision should be mine.  I have to live in it, spend the most time in it, look at it, and be inspired by it everyday.  Yet, it constantly reminds me of what needs to be done and how it has been let go.   I feel as if I have little if any power to do anything about it.

Read my lips, “The fight for women’s liberation has not yet been won.”  ( I was there when it started and I won’t tell you how long ago that was.)  Yes, I could write a another whole post on being a wage slave and spending the majority of one’s life working for someone else’s goals.

 

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Reading Other People’s Minds

English: A simple pizza slicer.

English: A simple pizza slicer. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reading minds is it an acquired skill?  Don’t get started reading other people’s minds for them; because then they always expect you to do it.  This got started when I tried to avoid other peoples’ drama.  I think my mother taught me how and then she reinforced it by getting upset when I missed the mark.

Here’s an example of having to read minds, someone in my house can’t find a pizza cutter so they use a dull knife.  That person gets upset with me and the utensil drawer and is going to throw half the stuff in there out (someday when they get around to it).  I didn’t find out until later that they had not looked in the silverware drawer where I found it.  (I indiscriminately often use both drawers for such stuff.)  Then he told me that he didn’t want the small cutter which I had found for him and that he wanted the big one.  Needless to say, I had put that one was in the dishwasher when I partially loaded it earlier and which he had just finished loading and had turned on.  Now what is the message?  That I should have finished loading the dishwasher and ran it before he came home? and  taken care of putting the pizza in the oven and then of course, it would have also been my job to cut it and bring it to him.

If I don’t read someone’s mind correctly, is it terrible if I make someone else upset?  Who is going to consider my feelings?  Whenever it is a lost and found situation, it is always my fault and, of course, I should apologize and immediately go find whatever is lost.  The lost thing is not usually not lost when I go to find it.  Help?

I usually lose at reading people’s minds.  How can such a simple problem become such a big thing? Ordinarily I try to go with the flow.  I usually do not make it 100% certain that things should go my way.  It is easier to not make a big fuss, especially if there is
more than one person involved and everyone is jostling for position.
What is this thing about having to be the winner and the winner takes
all.  The other person is not always right; but he or she finds it
difficult to admit it.

 

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