Discover our App

Centerpointe Research

parenting

Stoke The Fire And Watch The Blaze

rp_2793302319_fb8e5d72d7_m.jpgHow come we leave the most important jobs to chance and neglect providing any preparation for them in the aim of providing people the chance to put their mark on something very important or  to ignore it .  Do we have the inalienable right to mess up somebody’s life before the person even has a chance to live it?  Is reproduction a right or a privilege?  Could we mess up another person’s life this drastically if we weren’t allowed to exert this influence until their were of a majority?  Does ownership apply only to property and not to people?  Sometimes you would think so but it is not true.  Do we have the right to mess up a person’s life just because we took part in the conception of him or her?  Environmentalists want to restrict people’s rights to use their property but we don’t want to restrict a family’s rights to shape their offspring’s development and future contributions to society and to stunt or restrict a child’s future potential?

 

rp_277759056_8069814eb7_m.jpgPeople who get parenting classes early enough either before they have children or before it is too late to help their children find it benefits both themselves and their offspring.  In terms of protecting people’s rights to promote have their own set of values we may prevent some people from having any values at all or from being exposed to any set of values.  Are or are not values useful?  Do values help guide people to acqiring goals in life and acquiring respect for other people having their own maybe different sets of values.  Not having values and therefore not teaching them often leads to only protecting the right to not having any values.  Also the value of human life either after conception or after birth often has no value and results in killing and enslaving other humans.

Love often gets left out of the equation when values get left out of the equation.  Babies placed in orphanages in the past to be raised without mothers (or fathers) failed to thrive and did not live to grow up.  Some people get more upset about the abuse and neglect of animals than they do about that of children and babies born and unborn..  Some animals if given tne chance become emotionally attached to other animals or humans if given the chance.  Do humans have the right to be given this chance.  We talk about pets who give their masters unconditional love and how people who are alone and maybe also ill do better if they have access to pets.  What is unconditional love.  It is love given without the expectation of it being returned.  It is recognition of the innate worth of life.  It is something that innately benefits the giver as much as it benefits the recipient.rp_277759056_8069814eb7_m.jpg

Love is giving without expecting it to be returned.  Modern day business people might think that a person would be crazy to do this.   Forced giving does not assuredly generate trust nor reciprocation.  Stoke the fire and watch the blaze.  Each person has something to give.  Love is the core of values.  Caring for other forms of life reinforces the value we have for life.  Often we give up caring about something because we feel it won’t help.  Evil (the absence of values) is facilitated by those who have been encouraged to have no hope that they will to be able to make a difference.

Look up the words, “power” and “force.”  We are often encouraged to think that we don’t have the strength to be able to make something to happen.  This is the core belief behind wars.  That is that we have to exert force and go against somebody’s will in order to make them do something they don’t want to do but what we want them to do anyway.  “Power” is the strength inherent in wanting really to do good.  It is stronger than “force.”  Good people often don’t use it because they don’t think that the have it and /or that it will work against the force of evil.  However, consider Gandhi and Martin Luther King as examples of “power” in action.  “Love” and “good” are  the strength behind power.

rp_2793302319_fb8e5d72d7_m.jpgStoke the fire of “good” and watch the blaze.  Giving unconditional love is the way to do this.  We are not “powerless” as other people who have no values, who want other people to have no values, and who would use “force” to generate evil would like us to think.

Children Who Know Their Limits Are Less Obnoxious

rp_303404356_6ff7a23b4b_m.jpgChildren who know their limits are less obnoxious and thus nicer to have around.  Do you want to set up your children so that people say, “Oh, my God, here come the Jones kids again.”  Do you have relatives who you’d rather not see because of this problem?  Is this because the parents are lazy or because they think that their children can do no wrong.  Can you think of another reason?

Good behavior makes for a better school experience.  Most children don’t want to get a red mark on their behavior chart.  Civilizing or taming young human animals is not necessarily that teacher’s job.  Just like a horse, some maybe most children need to learn how to get “broke” behave outside the home.  If inside the home their are no limits and appropriate behavior is not taught, what is a child to do when he or she has to start meeting other people’s standards.?    It is not doing a good service for the child to do this as eventually he or she will be the one to suffer  long after you are gone.

Yes, it seems easier to not discipline or  set limits at times; but children thrive under consistency and the modeling of appropriate behavior.  They need to thrive under well-earned praise and require fewer and fewer prompts when out in public or in group settings.  If this is not done then something like, “tough love” may need to be done when they are teenagers or young adults.rp_Funny-Children-Safety-Sign-S-6709.gif

If you have been slipping and not meeting the standards yourself.  Children are “tattle tails” and can you spank them for telling the truth about our inappropriate behavior.  Relax not everybody is perfect and most children know this.  They may even tell you this.

Have you ever had your house trashed by somebody’s children or even your own children when you were not there to supervise them?  Isn’t it a nice job to clean up after them?  No it isn’t.  Once you establish limits, children will test you by doing the forbidden thing or by being creative and doing something else that is not completely forbidden under the rules you have set.

The best supervision is in operation a 100% of the time.  Observe parents.  Some parents when actively playing with their children  do a good job of supervision; but once they have stopped playing with the children their attention is usually somewhere else.  Other parents have a built in security system and even though they are doing something else can tell when a child is in trouble whether due to an accident or due to some mischief  on his or her part.  Multitasking and dealing with distractions make it difficult to get work done; but it is necessary when you have children even teenagers.

rp_300px-POL_Child_3.JPGOften a parent has a tendency to spoil their child and not expect much out of him.  The parent sometimes thinks that his or her child will have to toe the line soon enough anyway.  They think they are doing them a favor especially if the parent had few opportunities or things as a child and/or had to do housework or care for younger children.  The parent doesn’t spoil his or herself but focuses on the children having what they didn’t have and not being too strict and expecting adult behavior out of children.  Please take the middle road and save some resources for you the caregiver.  Remember the inflight announcement about the parent needing to put on the oxygen mask so he or she will be able to attend to their child?

Please note that sometimes parents have children who by temperament or because of developmental problems, are difficult to discipline or maybe even to love.  Seek help from a childcare specialist, family, and friends and other parents.   Also Look for support groups with those who have dealt with similar problems such as colic, autism, hyperactivity.  When I became a mother at a later age, I found that associating other (usually younger) mothers of infants and toddlers.  Some people organize play groups and take turns having it at their house.

 

Keep It On Defrost

parenting-discipline-styles-Hello again.  My computer has been out for repair and some things have changed on it so bear with me.

Keep it on defrost.  Have you ever walked into a store or meeting place and seen a person with his face all screwed up into a frown?  You can react to it or ignore it.  You might even try to break the ice.  It all depends on that person’s commitment  to being that way.  How do you melt a frozen heart?  Send out waves of consideration and kindness.  The person could just be having a hard day..  If the atmosphere is warm enough, then the ice might melt.

Some people are committed to being cold-hearted.  Usually they are disappointed in the world and set up a strong line of defense to keep people from crossing the barriers that they have put up.  They know people and they don’t trust them.  They might have something that somebody else would try to get.

It builds a person’s self-esteem and sense of power to be able to ward people off this way.  Once long ago, possibly they let someone in and got badly disappointed.  This is usually a loner position and violated what usually is an infant’s first goal in life to develop a sense of trust that his needs might be meant.

There often is no compromise with a person who is frozen in this way.  It is often with a sense of pride that they hold this view.  You can get frostbite if they focus their cold death ray on you.

Here are two examples of people  with possibly  broken, shattered, once icy cold hearts who will remain nameless.  Yes, I have forgotten some of the details; but I got a chill both times.  In fact, I almost got pneumonia in one case if it weren’t for the intervention of a bystander who initially agreed with the person and had second thoughts.

Imagine getting three children ranging from a preschooler to a toddler to a baby ready to go someplace.  It often involved changing at least one change of clothes (sometimes mine) before we could leave.  We sat at the back of the church and it was hard to get anything out of the service because at least one child was always acting up.  The most notorious thing one of the children ever did was to run away down the aisle to the altar.  Things happening like this always created a dilemma over which of the children should be attended to.  Yes, I was basically a single parent on Sunday.

To go on with the story, I got shanghaied later in the restroom by a very irate lady who ensured me that her children were always perfectly behaved in church and turned out to be doctors and lawyers etc.  I am trying to decide if this lady manufactured a hail storm or just a sleet storm to fall on me.  I was young and didn’t know all that I know now about people who righteously criticize others.  Just a moment, could this qualify as bullying in modern day terms?

Recently I introduced myself to a nice person who seemed to have similar interests to my childhood family back home .  It didn’t take long before I found out he was a person who took pride in setting the line and didn’t mind seeing people fall off of it and possibly get hurt.  He seemed set in his ways and he was proud of this stance.  This person’s heart seemed to be semi-frozen like a nice cold margarita fresh from being crushed with ice in a blender.  Not my taste but I sensed a certain rigidity and left to get off the subject which was no longer about our similar interests.

Here I stand I can not do otherwise is fine in battle or in politics when a stand needs to be made and held in the interest of helping people who may not be able to help themselves.  There is no justification for taking over leadership just to justify the accumulation of power or wealth.  Sometimes in the former instance and not the latter instance, a leader can be like tempered iron and hold sway over part of this world we have been given to oversee and be an appropriate caretaker.

 

You Don’t See It (All) Coming

Oh, Oh, I have been thinking again and have just got to get it out where you and I can see it and read it.  So here again is another rough draft.

You don’t see it all.  Don’t you think that you could trip over something if you didn’t see it and you might get badly hurt.  Most of us do this all the time psychologically.  If it hurts to think of something, it is easier sometimes to forget it.  If we have a fault, it feels better to focus on the faults of others rather than our own.  Where do you think gossip c0mes from?

Gossiping

Gossiping

If we have a significant failure in our life or think we lack ability in an important area, we might overcompensate by focusing all our time and energy in another area where we think we are might be able to do better or there is less competition.  This often happens in families where an older sibling is a star athlete or straight A scholar.  Have you ever heard about a young girl who is attractive and limber and says she won’t try out for cheerleader because her old sister or cousin was one and she couldn’t compete.    Are we just fooling ourselves  (“Pride goeth before a fall”) or are we making it to a bad situation.

For example, frequently extremely talented people when their performances turn into money making propositions, often neglect to get good help in managing their assets and live in a fantasy land where they don’t have to think about things like that.  They often give over control of their own organization to someone else while retaining the right to spend what they earn as they see fit.  Can’t you see the train wreck coming in this type of situation?rp_300px-The_game_you_play.jpgFreud called these tendencies to avoid psychological pain and difficulties defense mechanisms.  They are projection, overcompensation, denial, repression, and rationalization.  As good a job as they do of protecting us, they can get in our way of living a full and healthy life.

For example, if you lived in an area with poisonous snakes denying that they lived in your part of the country, might lead to a dangerous surprise someday especially if you go to an area where these snakes are known to live and come out of hiding to lay in the warm sun because they are cold blooded creatures and you both pick the same sunny spot?! to sun bath.  In this case ignorance is not bliss.rp_Crookedfingersdignity.jpgBlame rhymes with shame and that is what we feel when we do this.  Shaming is a powerful tool used by significant others and others in power over us to keep us from doing something or to get us to do something.  Shame seems to have no useful purpose but to thwart us in our desires.  Often this turns into a situation like in the story about the emperor’s new clothes.  The tailor had the emperor thinking that he had such a fine cloth to make him a new outfit that only very special people could see it and thus were able to wear it.  How the townspeople laughed when they saw him in the new outfit that the tailor had made for him and they could only see he had only underclothes.rp_300px-TV_highquality.jpgWhat we see, hear, smell, taste, and feel with our senses and what we make of them are our perceptions.  After you go to bed and turn most of the lights off, you won’t be able to see anything until your eyes adjust and then what you see will be mainly black and white and not as clear as you normally would see it.  Now do you know why toddlers see monsters and are afraid of the dark at bedtime.

Last night my little grand daughter was spending the night and sleeping on the couch.  She keep asking about that black thing over there in the corner and was not satisfied until I went over there and found what she was looking at, a dark blue throw in a heap on the floor next to Grandpa’s recliner.  Since she trusted me and I reassured her with my actions by checking it, she went to sleep.rp_300px-Sweet-dreams-dreaming-of-snow-white-and-the-seven-dwarves.jpgChildren are less stupid than we give them credit for being.  They know less than we do and may have put together what they know in a guileless way, but it still makes sense if you can see it from their point of view.  Unhappily sometimes it is easier to put these children off or tell them a convenient lie than to spend the time it really takes to understand and deal with the situation.  For example, the old there are no monsters under the bed comment which can lead to tears on the child’s part and frustration on the adult’s part.

Do we hide stuff from ourselves by using such things as defense mechanisms?  Then do they come back to haunt us in the future?  Maybe it is better when you do see it all, no matter how uncomfortable that makes us.  How often does one partner not see it coming when the other partner asks for a divorce and/or has an affair?  Yes, we do have to focus in order to get anything done like texting while driving but then we might fatally fail to attend to something else that was going on at the same time.

 

 

Adoption Of Slavery Eats At The Soul

Whenever man chooses to use some form of slavery to amass a fortune and gain power over others, he loses his soul.  In order to do this a person has to lie to himself, herself, or others to do this.  The most unfortunate thing is when a person lies to him or her self about what he or she is doing and comes to believe it.   The worst person to lie to is oneself.rp_300px-Accounting_bruce.jpgOne lie leads to another.  Watch the movie, 12 Years A Slave.  The plantation owner’s wife was led to deceive so she could keep her husband and plantation.  The plantation owner deceived himself and how he treated his mistress who was one of his slaves.  The slave herself lied to the plantation owner and those who lived on the plantation about her feelings about being forced to be his mistress.  The other slaves and the plantation owner’s wife didn’t know that the mistress was doing this against her will and she endured cruelty from the plantation owner’s wife, other slaves, and as well as the plantation owner himself.

What a life we live when first we practice to deceive.  Does the end justify the means?  How often do you lie to yourself or others in order to not feel guilty or shamed about something.  Especially if we are vulnerable to the judgment of others.  Rationalizing is giving a “good” reason for doing something that others will accept without criticism.  It also could be said that someone was justifying something they did.rp_Truman_pass-the-buck.jpg

Confession is good for the soul.  The place to start is with your own conscience.  Examine yourself.  Are you telling any lies of omission and/or co-mission.  Remember only a fool believes his or her own lies and lets them becomes his or her reality.  If you believe you can’t for give yourself for something you did or said, it is more likely that you can’t reveal  that you have been rationalization and justifying these things to others and yourself.  Your justifications and rationalizations you do reveal even to yourself what they really are lies.

Do you conveniently forget stuff you have done that makes you uncomfortable?  Do you tell a “made up” reason for doing something so frequently in order to be more comfortable, that you have forgotten the real reason.rp_300px-Boy_and_girl_from_Mauritius.jpg

As adults we often find it easy to bamboozle our  children and get them to believing something that is not true.  Then we laugh at how they react.  Sometimes they even cry.  Yes, it is easy to lie to children or to others who don’t know what we know; but should we.  Taking their innocence away from children is stealing using lies and deceit.  Children are not called “innocent” for nothing.

Charlatans and psychopaths know when they are lying, but they don’t care if they are telling the truth or not.  Do you?  Get something the “right” way or don’t get it at all.  When you lie, you lose everyone’s respect including your own.

Do Adults Bully Children In Their Own Families??

at least i'm not a bully

at least i’m not a bully (Photo credit: Miss Blackflag)

Do adults bully children in their own families?  Unfortunately, yes.  Making fun of someone, joking with them, is not humorous  if the person being teased gets upset.  Do we stop or this is this a signal to keep on going?  Building a child’s self-esteem is one of the most important functions of the family.

English: A Bully Free Zone sign - School in Be...

English: A Bully Free Zone sign – School in Berea, Ohio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most children will get plenty of opportunities outside the family to be put down, bullied, and feel insignificant.  What downers!  But this doesn’t happen in my family!  Yes, it does and it is often ignored and not even noticed or the person gets away with it because the family member should be able to take a joke.  While this may be alright in adult company, it is not right in a family setting with vulnerable children with fragile egos.  Do you think making a three year old cry on purpose can be justified?

I have noticed that in this society we often do not notice what is going on around us and it is especially true in families.  We tend to do the same old thing over and over and nobody notices it.  They often say things like “I was just teasing (while repeating an unappreciated taunt).”  They follow this with comments like, “I don’t know why he or she cries so much?  He or she must be a crybaby?”

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version)

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Love will keep us together.  Hugs and kisses, well earned complements, a smile in someone’s eyes or elsewhere on their face is priceless and does not cost anything to give.  They are free.  What are we thinking?  Is it that by bringing someone else down we are building ourselves up?  In this case are the means are justified by the end result.

What do you think if you see someone kill a baby rabbit out in the field just for the fun of it and then laughs?  Aren’t children just as vulnerable?  Especially when they don’t know as much as you do and don’t always understand what adults are talking about.

 

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Find Yourself, Not Someone Else

Find yourself; not someone else.  It may be admirable to have a child or even children who are like you and follow in your footsteps; but he or she or they may not be comfortable in your shoes.  In times past, it was important for people to have children so they could pick up where they left off.  Parents trained their children to take their place someday and to be of help to them in a labor intensive time.  Parents usually were not happy if their children did not take over for them.

Now it is more a matter of self-validation.  It confirms to the parent that he or she took the right path when the children take the same path.  Sometimes it is like the story of the ugly duckling.  Remember that one turned out to be a swan, different, but beautiful.  You can feel like the ugly duckling if you don’t fit into your family, class in school, or community.  Some children like the ugly duckling even look different from the people that they are being raised with when if they were being raised with their own genetically kind (people who would probably look like them) wouldn’t look different at all.  Down syndrome children and some biracial children are even often seen as different from their relatives.

English: Vilhelm Pedersen illustration for &qu...

English: Vilhelm Pedersen illustration for “Ugly Duckling” in public domain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you study genetics and how traits are passed down from parent to child, you will often find that it is a very complex problem and doesn’t always work the way it seems it should.  Children can have the same parents and have surprisingly different traits.  This is also true of apptitudes and abilities.  Add into this what happens to them from the time of conception to birth which may not be like their siblings and the children and their parents will still be related; but can be very different.  Also traits may get passed down, but not to the desired child or sex (like first born male).

Children inherit tempraments which may or may not be like that of their parents.  Sometimes oil and water do not mix.  An “easy” parent may inherit a slow to warm up child and he or she can’t understand why his or her child does not easily take to new things.

Some talents or abilities which might be very strong can not be desired or appreciated in the family or society into which a person is born.  I was born on a farm and eventually married a farmer (after doing other things) and I can understand why he sometimes does not understand why a “city” boy does not know how to do things farm boys know how to do and he has difficulty valuing what the “city” boy can do by virtue of his college education even if it was not in agriculture.

As much as I love flowers,  I don’t want them to be all alike all the time.  I like seeing new and different ones.  Also some flowers that some people call flowers around here are called weeds by other people in other places.  This might even be true of people growing marijuana when flowers appear in their plots.  (I am not recommending that  you start growing marijuana however.)

Be yourself as long as you are not deliberately hurting yourself (or others for your own gain) and when you find yourself, you will make your contribution to the world and become what YOU were or are meant to be.  I believe finding yourself is why we were meant to be as we each have our own contribution to make.  If we pay too much attention to what others tell us we should be, we may get led astray.  It may not be easy, but it often will be rewarding.  For example, how many shoes at how many shoe stores do some of us have to try before we find a shoe that fits us, feels good, and wears well.  It usually is a personal thing.  What shoe style works for one may not work for another.  Also many people, especially women, pay the price for wearing shoes that they think they should wear because they are in fashion, etc.  (Check out Oprah on this issue.)

Enhanced by Zemanta

Decision-Making Time

myopia

myopia (Photo credit: haglundc)

Adolescence is decision-making time for many.  These decisions might effect a person’s whole life.  Have you ever felt that you couldn’t take back something that you have said or done.

There is sometimes a cockiness to adolescence which gives them the power to make judgments, not only for themselves, but others as well, usually their parents or anyone whom they do not really understand.

What preparation do adolescents have for these often very enduring decisions?  “Do what I say; don’t do what I do,” some folks seem to imply when disciplining their adolescents.  Adolescents can be near-sighted and see things only from their own point of view.  They are quick to see the faults of others, but not their own.  Someone else’s problems, especially those of older adults, are easy to solve if they just did what the adolescent thinks that they need to do.

Knowing the repercussions that would accompany most decision choices are usually necessary precursors for making these judgments.  A lot of topics that adolescents need information about are not always covered in public situations but it is reserved for the family or church to do teach these things and ultimately if they don’t get this done, the electronic media or equally uninformed peers do it.

It is amazing who and what teaches our kids.  Their babysitters, preschool if it is a choice, and then there are the parents if they make to decision to keep the children at home and sheltered from outside sources of this information.  In the past, we tried to protect our kids from disturbing information only for them to get it elsewhere sometimes under less than desirable conditions.  Some parents take their responsibility very seriously and others do as little as possible and sometimes they can’t wait to kick the teenager out of the house and on their own at 18 with little or no preparation for independence.

Adolescents ultimately have to make it on their own.  They need to know who they are, what their values and talents or abilities are, how they view the responsibility of being sexually active, answering the question of, “Why am I here“,  and solving their own problems so they can live a happy life.  Also there are 0ften also the jobs of picking a life partner, parenting children, and finding a way to support oneself and dependent others.

What are some other decisions that adolescents usually have to make?  Are they prepared?  Also one part of the brain that has to mature in order for them to make good decisions and to be able to consider long-term over short-term effects of making decisions is not fully developed until sometime in young adulthood.

Enhanced by Zemanta

It Is All There

It is all there.  All you have to do is find it.  As we explore our world, we find out what we need to know.   The answer is within.

We are born with all the equipment we need to find out what we need to know.  But what are we told?  We are told, “Curiosity killed the cat.”  From birth, we are encouraged to accept the status quo.  We often discover that asking questions disturbs and flustrates our parents.

We are told that we should not question authority and are given standards to follow that our parents were usually taught when they were children.  “Why should you do it?  Because I told you so,” our parents tell us.

Lies My Parents Told Me

Lies My Parents Told Me (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We are born with many features that help us discover the world and make sense of it.  We rapidly master this and are soon able to make our own way in the world.  Is it true that we all come up with the same answers when we explore the world ourselves?  Of course not.

Certain experiences can lead us in the wrong direction.  Born to a pattern of emotional and/or physical abuse, people learn not to trust the world.  They are given the wrong impression of themselves.  They may think that they deserve to be treated this way or that.

This world and its existence defies a simple explanation.   Depending on a person’s ability to comprehend abstract concepts, to view things from different perspectives, and to develop a complex understanding of existence, a person may or not be able to deal with life without angst.

However, angst can be a motivating force.  Because of the experience of angst a person may not be able to live happily in the world as they understand it to be.  This may cause them to change their minds and conceive of the world, its existence, and its meaning in a different way.

Pardon me, I don’t mean that everything or anything that your parents have told you is a lie.  But at some point you may come to the conclusion for yourself that some or all of what they told you was right.

 

 

 

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Love-Hate Relationships

Hate to Love You

Hate to Love You (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Almost any relationship can be a love-hate relationship.  The more time you spend being judgmental, the less time you have to be accepting.  It is a shame that people respond so negatively to judgmental comments by others.  Other people want to get a reaction out of you.  Do they do it by building you up or by tearing you down?

The more time you spend criticizing and trying to control others the less time you have to love and admire them.  Children bask in the love of friends and family.  When does this stop?  Have you ever been asked why can’t you control your kids and then jumped on their case, that of your children, not of the person complaining.  Who do you value most?  Other people? or your children?

No I would not suggest that you let children run all over you; but the younger they are, the more pure are their motives.  Do you often make them feel like they have just committed a crime especially when you are stressed, not necessarily by them?  More negativity just adds to the problem if the person or child was happy until they were judged negatively, how do you think they would feel after?

Some people say that indifference is stronger than hate.  If you just don’t care enough to say anything good or bad about a person anymore, where does that person rate in terms of your concern about them.  How lonely and unwanted does a person feel when he or she is thinking about suicide?

Enhanced by Zemanta