People count on the fact that you can be upset, that you will buy their spiel, that you can be made to leave them alone, or anything else that they want you to do or feel. Have you ever just observed what a person looks like they are feeling, what they are trying to get across and then decided that you are not going to fall for their ploy. Can you anticipate what they are going to do from what they look like, for example, a dark rolling thunder cloud? I once saw a woman who looked like she was dressed to impress and because of this, she was wanting to make the impression that she was upper class and expected to get her way. It was clear that she was going to get angry. You know what I did I quickly pushed my cart down another aisle in the farm store where I could avoid her and not become a part of her drama which she was intending to play out and win the upset of another person, mostly a clerk, but if not a clerk than another shopper like me. Ouch. She appeared to be extremely self-righteous, stately, and ready to blow up as soon as she ran into a ready victim, someone who would easily feel to blame for her upset and grant her desire to feel self-righteous.
Surprise, surprise, I do not always have to play the victim of someone else’s desires. I can be calm, I can leave the scene, and I cannot provide such a person with their reward by being a willing victim in their desired vignette. Another scene that I can sense coming is when my spouse is ready to judge me is when I know I have done something that he could accuse me of like eating the last piece of cake, of course, the smallest piece of cake, or not knowing where the car keys are or putting them up somewhere that I am not sure where I placed them. It is easier to admit what I am guilty of by confirming that I did it in a matter of fact way. Then the desired upset is difficult for him to carry out when I admit I am guilty in a matter of fact way. Then the desired drama is difficult for him to carry out. I, at the beginning, tell him I did the thing that he is anticipating that I did wrong without getting upset, feeling guilty, or getting mad at him for finding me out.
Meditation is a habit that can reinforce one’s ability to keep their cool. As in meditation, you can relax while letting your thoughts pass by while not attending to them. Also, you can develop the habit of choosing not to feel guilty or emotionally upset by letting your thoughts plague you til you begin to suffer. Focusing on a situation often does not do any good especially when you know what you should have done or what you ought to do in the future. Manipulators are good at predicting what people will do or feel and can accomplish their own selfish ends this way. For example, they can usually count on people doing the “polite” thing.
Count on developing your blank face as one form of defense with such people. “Oh, you were speaking to me.” Is another good line and form of defense and usually catches such people off guard. People like these count on getting another person’s or at least some person’s attention or (God Forbid) everyone’s attention. Who knows what potentially they have to sound off about and why they think they can count on having a willing victim or willing victims.
Practice being calm and being like a duck who can let the water run off of his back and being undisturbed. Potentially you can put off with dealing with some things later when you have more time to think and you are not being pressured to come up with a solution. Manipulators count on you to be bumfuzzled and unable to come up with an appropriated response. My poor deceased half sister-in-law counted on this to happen when in front of a crowd of people, she asked me, “Who cut your hair?” in a very critical voice and I was able to come up with an appropriate comeback, “Who asked you?” She counted on catching me off guard and she had a reputation for doing this kind of thing and getting away with it. Fortunately, I was able to come up with immediately an appropriate comeback. She always counted on her victim to not have a chance to think of something appropriate to say. Another way to have short-circuited her would to have sought out someone appropriate in the crowd and asked them what they thought of what she said or what they thought about how I looked. As mean as my sister-in-law could be and everybody knew it, surely some most would have come up something in my defense.
You do not have to accept being manipulated by such people; you just have to plan ahead to control your feelings and not become a victim. Sometimes you just have to leave and say to yourself or them, “I don’t have time for this”. If you feel you have to have an excuse to leave, say you are busy or say you are tired and have dealt with enough that day or you might have to be rude (think about how rude they are being) and say that the person is being rude or is trying to manipulate you or that they should get the h-ll out of your face; you don’t want to tolerate any more of their sh-tt that day.”
You can do the same thing with your own inner feelings and thoughts. Say, “I don’t want to feel that way anymore,” to yourself and/or, “I don’t need to feel guilty about that as I have already done that enough” and/or say to yourself “I am sorry for what I have done and have made my own personal spiritual or practical amends.” and/or “I realize I need to do something about that but it is not now time to do it” and/or “I have thought enough about it for this day or week or whatever and it is not helping me make any progress in my life to obsess about this now.”
Realize manipulators do not do this. They get their reward and do not waste time feeling bad about what they did. Don’t think a lot about being manipulated except for long enough to realize you what was done to you and do some to limit the damage if possible and momentarily if necessary. That is something practical that any victim would do especially if there are necessarily like any tie limits to do something like stopping a check from being cashed. Choke the lesson up to experience with your mistake as being an experience.
Some people do things that indirectly that hurts and they don’t understand that they are hurting themselves and others too. Indirectly it results in the angry dissolution of the relationship with the other person being blamed and the person who is mad at them does not understand that they did something themselves to harm the relationship too. It frequently seems to involve being able to read minds. If I do something for someone else who may need my help and they don’t realize that it is ultimately an imposition on me and they ask me to do it again without them realizing that was an imposition on me and I feel that they should not have asked me to do it again but they did not know that I was thinking that.
This set of behaviors seems to involves mindreading as a sport. I’ll do something really nice for you, but I want you to understand that you should never ask me to do it again because it was an imposition on me. Complicated, isn’t it. The only counteraction would be to call the person on it who did the favor if you get a chance to talk to the person again and suggest that they should have said, “No,” the first time or said, “I can do it for you this one time; but don’t count on me to do it for you, the next time you have that problem.” However, it may lead to a whole bunch of “shoulds” like who should be doing it for you instead of them, etc., etc.
I have discovered an energy type system which I have followed for a long time now but I had not really found the type of energy that I personify and did not see how the system could help me understand myself and how I could present myself as an example of a type of beauty that would give me a special glow that would attract compliments and increase my self-esteem. Initially, I picked the wrong type and although I felt some benefits when I accepted my scatter-brained side of myself and realized I was more of an idea type person than a planner; but then my real self came through and I saw that I am more a motivator who likes to see something come through so I can see the finished product. The best example is how and when I pursued a professional degree so others could see how motivated I was and how far I would go in pursuing something.
This started when I finished grade school and decided to take college prep classes and to get the highest grades in high school I could get so I could go to a good college and get a scholarship. I also pursued this goal to prove to my fellow students and teachers and myself that I had what it takes. This continued in college because I wanted to get into a doctoral program to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology. Those goals I pursued continuously for ten years. I also then completed two years of postdoctoral studies in child clinical psychology and after working for two years in my field, I also completed the studies for and passed my state licensing exam as a psychologist.
My next set of goals was to have at least three children which my husband and I accomplished within four years. This was done by the age of thirty-nine for me and forty for my husband. You can see that I can set goals and reach them. Just recently the number of our grandchildren reached ten another goal.
Writing this blog was a surprise for me later on in life and I also have started to occasionally sing hymns in church acapella. I found that I was also comfortable teaching lecture classes in psychology. This is the way I represent a Type Four, but I still have secondary traces of Type One as I often have too many irons in the fire and I often multitask keeping too many irons in the fire. Today I deviated from working on bills to writing this post. I also want to hang some posters and pictures on my walls especially on the walls in my office which I have as yet to unclutter, but I am working on it.
Stylewise I am edgy and look best in some darker jewellike colors and in dramatic and edgy styles. Hairstyles require some movement and often streaks or patches of color or highlights. Jewelry too needs to be edgy, often angular and somewhat bold. The latest good thing about the whole energy thing is I have started to get some compliments from strangers so far all women.
I have found out that where I have had trouble in the past was where I was trying to go along with some other energy type which didn’t suit me and therefore I had difficulty doing it successfully. I am not a totally well-organized type of person and as I have said before is that I would write the term paper first and then write the outline. Also, the types of clothing worn successfully by other energy types do not suit me and make me look bad. For example, hunting for a suit for job interviews I found very challenging and difficult to do and the suits that I found never really suited me so I was never confident that I looked well and that my outfit was appropriate. This definitely was a “no-no” when it came to how I presented myself for a job interview.
Recently I have started wearing shorts again in place of capris or crop pants and I am feeling more comfortable doing this. I do have to be sure that the shorts are Type Three, a little rough around the edges. They can’t be flared, a little ruffly or a soft faded Type One or Type Two color. I have to also avoid black or whites which are Type Four. I am also considering dresses or skirts again in my type.
Look up Carol Tuttle, Dressing Your Truth, on the internet. She also has some books which will help you. Also, she has written a book about children’s energy types, The Child Whisperer. She has a solid background in counseling which is reassuring. You can get some color and pattern cards which will help you select clothes. When I have a solid before and after pictures I will publish them here. Remember part of finding your helpful energy type is when you find that it works and you can type in successes and failures related to your energy type and then it feels right. This doesn’t always happen immediately but when it does you will know it. For example, I have always liked statement pieces when I go out to buy jewelry and I usually don’t feel dressed until I have a necklace or bracelet on.
Either I already know them or I don’t want to hear them.
Oh, you were just being nice or you wanted to set me straight?
You wanted to be sure I knew something so I wouldn’t embarrass myself or you!
You wanted to show off your superior knowledge and I was a willing victim.
Stop and think before you say something like that because you might reveal more about yourself than you may reveal about me.
Truly meaningful and loving comments build me and you up at the same time.
Next post will be, “When A Compliment Is Not A compliment.”
The witches (at least the bad ones) have gone and people don’t worry about curses being put upon them anymore or do they? When people put you down to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves above you, are they really putting a curse on you especially if you or those around you tend to believe them? The power in a curse is usually the strength that of the belief that the victim has in them.
Also, can putdowns be a form of domestic abuse? Yes, a person can be emotionally as well as physically abused leaving them browbeaten and powerless. Have you ever known a person who doesn’t ever seem to have something good to say about a family member and worse yet, other family members start to do it too.
Doing it to children is a heinous offense. They often do not have a way of knowing that it is not true and they believe it. Other family members, especially other children, will start to do it too. “Monkey see; monkey do” Also siblings seeing it done to a fellow sibling might think that they might be next so they keep the spotlight on their sibling’s faults and deficiencies.
It is not a good joke if the person who is the object of the joke doesn’t laugh at it too. When this happens to children, they are often reduced to tears. The perpetrators say they don’t know why the object of the joke doesn’t think it is funny and they label him or her a “bad sport.”
Recent Comments