Why Does The Victim Often Have More Trouble than the Offender?
Here I am in trouble again and you may often find yourself in this type of trouble too. The offender gets out of trouble by blaming the offender. Such as they deserved it. They were so stupid that they deserved to lose to me. Why should they trust people so much? If caught often the punishment does not equal in cost, inconvenience or shame what the offense cost the victim. Often victims have to take on the role of being a damaged person whose repair is difficult, often incomplete and leaves scars.
I am a sexual abuse victim. Even the word victim is personally damaging. I didn’t ask for it but I got it anyway or will get it for sure if I tell anybody like I am doing now. I didn’t realize it until the first time I felt a sexual response while making out and it went away. I tried many ways to fix this without any luck and so I live with it. Also, it seems that once a victim, always a victim.
I had a therapist who once called me sexually attractive which made me uncomfortable at the time. At the end of therapy when I was moving out of town, he invited me to come to see him and let him know how I was doing if ever I was back in town. When I came back, I found out that he expected me to have sex with him. I remember nothing that happened after that. Boy, was I naive and I became a victim again. Now I know why I never felt I was sexually attractive because that was dangerous. It also affected my self-esteem. Now does being seen as sexually attractive mark me as someone to be exploited? It seems to be true at least in this case.
I was considered a behavior problem in grade school. Was I reacting to being sexually abused? I had almost men teachers at that time. The best year I had was with my only woman teacher! In those days, no one considered the fact that I was a problem because they didn’t know what to do with me. In fact, at graduation, I wasn’t made the valedictorian because of my behavior so I said I wasn’t going to graduation if they didn’t. We compromised, I got the award for the highest grades in the class instead. I think I was one of the first people to threaten to boycott their graduation. Also, I was told I would never make better than a “B” in high school; however, I graduated high school as the class Salutatorian. I also suspected that they suspected that I was fairly intelligent because they had someone give me a WISC (the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children), but I never learned what my IQ was.
I was also bullied in high school on the bus and nobody did nothing about it. I did nothing to deserve it. In fact, I spend my time reading to the little kids on the bus. I ended up not riding the bus even though I live in the country. I also was a member of what I called the “out” group in high school. the members of which, including myself, all sat in a group in the auditorium to eat our lunches. We all were there for different reasons, the country kids (but that was not my reason to be there), the less intelligent kids, the poor kids, etc. I was there just because I didn’t make into one of the uppity groups whose members snubbed us.
In ending, I would like to say that from my point of view that I became a victim of other people’s enjoyment at my expense. Victims of crimes also seem to get not fully repaid for their losses caused by those who victimize them. Victims of break-ins often never feel comfortable in their own homes again.
What are the losses, peace of mind, monetary especially the extra cost of legal fees, medical expenses, the cost of therapy needed? Also, the inability to have normal emotional responses again, the lowered ability to trust people, tragic memories or the loss of memories of things that happened, fear of getting into certain situations again. What of these costs does the offender ever have to pay and does the suffering of being caught and having to pay for these offenses by going to prison ever catch up with them? Remediation often doesn’t really happen for some reason such as the inability to identify or catch the offender or the offense is not considered a crime.
Devilish Behavior And The Las Vegas Shooting – A Hypothesis
There has been a lot of people looking for a motive for the shooter in the Las Vegas shooting. They haven’t found any accomplices and the shooter was a known moderately (by Vegas standards) successful gambler and he had openly lived that life before the shooting. He had gone on 12 or 13 cruises in the last year. He had several homes. It apparently took a lot of planning, the acquiring of specific knowledge, and the scoping out of other possible locations and events where he could have carried the same type of atrocity. He knew how to aim his semi-automatic weapons standing upon special platforms and he had made calculations to be sure he would aim the rifles in such a way as to enable him to kill or wound the most people.
Now you might not believe in the devil and/or in demon possession as described in the Bible but it seems to fit here. Could a bargain have been made with the devil which allowed him to live the successful life he did even though he started his life with a very low-level job? Also, his girlfriend said that he would struggle and thrash in bed (was he fighting with a demon or dealing with demon possession?). It also accounts for the extensive planning that he did, the knowledge that he acquired, and possibly the targets. Surely the devil would like to have him choose a target which would include a lot of lovers of country music which are often Christians? Maybe he didn’t need an accomplice if he already was involved in a pact with the devil or had opened himself to demon possession. As I present this hypothesis, I am calling upon the name of Jesus to rebuke the devil and his accomplices and to protect me from the devil.
The possibility of mental illness has been proposed, but it usually is not possible for a mentally ill person to be so successful in doing something that involved so much knowledge and preparation. Was he a narcissistic sociopath? a paranoid schizophrenic? Often mental illness leads to confusion and unrealistic ideas of special powers and also unrealistic ideas of how to carry out distorted ideas. Yes, they can desire to kill people. Maybe he had it in for Christians; but if he did, he told no one about it. There has so far been any evidence of any delusions. He was not the type of guy who stood out in any crowd and he was known as a frequent successful gambler but he did not cause any problems. He was not known to associate with anybody but his girlfriend and, if not her, prostitutes.
Related articles across the web
Shame The Great Manipulator, The Great Trap Of Unworthness
I was raised on shame. It was my claim to fame. I was not recognised for what I did well, but for those things I did not do so well. I was also convinced over time that I could not do them well and when that happened that people would give up on me. I thought there were only so many things in life that other people would approve of and that I was not capable of doing them well enough to make other people proud of me. I was recognised for what or where I could not meet up to other people’s standards and I felt like I was a great disappointment to my family so much so my relatives did not want other people to know that I was related to them.
I was so easily made to feel shameful that I was bullied, I was suicidal, and I was made to feel that I could never meet up to other people’s standards (of which there was only one set) and I would ultimately be rejected and thrown out on the street if that was possible. There was only one person to blame and that was me and I didn’t know any different.
Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?
Worse yet I realized that in sexually inappropriate situations the victim (that was me) was always the one who should feel ashamed and had something to hide instead of the reverse. Getting caught in a sexually compromising situation was something I should cover up, sneak out of, and pretend didn’t happen even though I now know it qualified as sexual abuse. It was something to be covered up and forgotten if possible.
Brene Brown with her doctorate in Social Work found that we have three shields that we can use as shields against shame. We can forget or not talk about what we see as a shameful situation. Men will tell you that they are not comfortable talking about certain things that happened to them as they were growing up or even later in life such as post-traumatic stress syndrome and even had pushed these things so far out of mind that they did not remember them.
Another shield against shame mentioned by Dr. Brown was appeasement. If someone is dissatisfied with you or something you have done, you try to make it up to them or make them so happy or satisfied in another way that they will forget that you did not or might not make them happy. Another word for this might be “brown nosing”.
Another possibility would be going towards or against the person or situation that makes you feel shameful and take it out aggressively toward them or it. This is the third shame shield mentioned by Dr. Brown. Could the liberal Democrats’ behaviour after the election of President Donald Trump be an example of this? Are they ashamed that their candidate did not win over such an unlikely candidate?
Sometimes our entire life can be motivated by shame and others can get what they want us to do by shaming us and can feel better about themselves by winning over us in this way. I have often felt that being a woman, especially a woman professional, made me a target for this sort of thing. If a woman can do it (what I did) it must be something easy to obtain and therefore not worth much. The step between someone with a Masters degree and a Ph.D. must be pretty easy if she can do it. I did not attend the graduation ceremonies when I received my doctorate (because it was not such a big deal)?
Related articles across the web
When Is A Compliment Is Not A Compliment? When Is Criticism Not Productive?
Criticism disguised as a compliment can be deadly as well as just plain mean and “snarky”. Many a fainting flower has sub combed to the projected hatred of others even when he or she doesn’t deserve it. One way is when a “put down” is disguised as a compliment. Such an act can permanently damage one’s life. How many people have stopped going to church when this is done by a “well-meaning?” individual? “My, that is such a nice outfit. Do you dress like this every day?”
A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?
Churches are supposed to be places where well-meaning individuals want to bring more individuals to Christ. Or are they? Some people in churches like to think that they are God’s chosen “elite” where only those properly initiated into the ways of the church are allowed to belong. Membership seems to be by invitation only for those who will appreciate the selectiveness of their invitations and will protect and obey their canons. If looks could kill, some people could die when they enter churches like this.
Some church people feel that their criticism of others is well- meaning and will make others better Christians and they are only being helpful; but often there is an underlying current of hatefulness, righteous anger, and severe judgmentalism. When this is coupled with a victim’s underlying current of self-condemnation and guilt, it can be extremely damaging and make him or her feel unworthy of being a Christian and keep the person from ever going to that church or sometimes any church again.
Related articles across the web
When Will You Come Out Of The Closet And Help Yourself Or Others??
The value of human life is invaluable but many people want us to hide our light under a bushel basket so that they can let theirs shine. When are you going to come out of the closet and stop others from making us do this. Just as it is life changing for a homosexual to come out of the closet so is it life changing for any individual to come out of the closet and expose who he or she really is.
Forcing a belief system on another through coercion is not the way to spread love and knowledge. We all have something to contribute and to have another’s belief system forced upon us out of the fear that our expressing our beliefs system which is different will restrict theirs.
I believe we all have something to contribute if we believe in our selves from the most developmentally disabled individual to the most brilliant and verbal individual. When we assemble in a group, why do we almost automatically begin to judge ourselves against each other. Leaving some people out and promoting other people to positions of leadership over the rest of us. How often does someone sit quietly in a classroom because they feel that they have little to contribute. So often people criticize others and complain about others so strongly that they cause others to shut up and make no contributions for fear of being criticized.
Great people like Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross have recognized the contributions of “little” people that most people don’t notice or ignore. How about the cleaning lady who when she goes into hospital rooms her mere presence quiets and comforts dying patients? Consider the behavior of the “Father” also known as Pope Francis who has not taken on the pompt and circumstance of being the Pope and thus has discouraged those in the Vatican and Cardinals and other clergy in positions of authority from elevating themselves above other religious or common folk.
How uncertain are we about expressing ourselves when we see what other people can do to us when we express ourselves. In psychology, this is called relational aggression versus direct aggression which involves actually hurting someone physically. Rejecting someone and encouraging others to reject them too can be deadly (sometimes resulting in self-murder or suicide or mass murders of innocent people) . Have you ever feel that your own opinion was as good or better as someone else’s or that your instinct to do something in a given situation would have resulted in a better outcome than someone else got? but we stay quiet. How much does that actually help the world if all the good people keep their mouths shut.
All of us are diamonds in the rough. It just takes cutting and polishing to bring out our brilliance. Some of us are fearful of going through this process. Some of us do not have enough self-confidence. What if people like Ghandi kept their mouth shut. What if mother Teresa had been content to just be an ordinary nun? Would she have been more comfortable? When Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross came out against quarantining and rejecting children who had aids (through no fault of their own), she was virtually kicked out of the community that wouldn’t let her take them in.
How often have you been in a group where you kept your mouth shut even though you might have said what many others were also thinking? This can be true about supporting homosexuals right to lead normal lives without rejection and persecution. Have you ever kept your mouth shut in a group where someone was trying to do this? or something similar? I am not wanting to take away anyone’s right to disapprove of homosexuality while taking the right to app0rove of it or at least not to reject it. On the one hand, everyone has rights and we have to be careful not to take away someone’s rights while asserting the right to have our own. On the other hand, have you ever supported someone else’s rights while keeping quiet about your right to your own beliefs?
Related articles across the web
Robin William’s Suicide, Completely Misunderstood!
(No media have been added because to do so might make light of this tragedy by focusing on the “clown” not the person.)
Laugh clown, laugh. Could it be that comedians and persons with depression who commit suicide are some of the most misunderstood people in the world.
We all enjoy laughter. It has even been proven scientifically to help people fight cancer. Why do we laugh when others put themselves down? Why do we laugh when we put ourselves down or worse yet why do others put us down and expect us to laugh about it?
What people don’t realize is that if people feel threatened enough to put us down that we may be more powerful and talented than we think. Otherwise why we would be seen as such a threat?
Things people say about us create mind chatter. It may even have a little truth in it. Also most of us believe it is better to laugh than to cry. But why would someone who loves us do this to us anyway?
Have you ever been told that you don’t have a sense of humor when other people make jokes about you at your expense. Maybe it is a way for comedians to control being put down this when they make fun of themselves. Other comedians ridicule others to get the same thing.
Deep underneath what does it do to one’s self-esteem? As the thoughtless mind chatter is repeated over and over, it can become the truth at least from our point of view and maybe others too. Ridicule is not funny and eats at your insides. It is worse enough when others do it to you but what about when you do it to yourslelf. Traitor!
When you get real good at it, how can you stop yourself when other people begin to expect that you will put your show on any time, any place. Can you imagine a comedian at his or her spouse’s funeral making a joke of it. I can. What a Sad Sack.
If you get recognition and also re-numeration for it; it must be be worthwhile and it often becomes who you are. Then why are you so unhappy? Why would you commit suicide to get out of the situation? You can’t or shouldn’t always take work home with you; but comedians do. On top of that no one wants to cry with you when all they expected from was a few good laughs.
Imagine a prostitute who doesn’t enjoy her work. Doesn’t a comedian somewhat prostitute him or her self to make it in the world. You can’t just pretend to be or act happy to be happy. Only the real thing works.
On top of this, put depression, the dark night of the soul when a person feels hopeless, like the worst person in the world ,and possibly even deserving of hell if they commit suicide, even if it doesn’t seem reasonable to others. It is a job hazard associated with being a comedian especially if the depression feeds a dark sense of comedy which makes other people laugh at and accept him or her. This could be considered as reinforcement for being depressed. Drugs are also a way to self-medicate and they work for awhile but eventually can lead to self destruction and death and/or an “accidental” way of committing suicide.
Add to this the possibility that a person is not only severely depressed at times but also has manic states, possibly extreme manic states, which fuel their comedy and creativity and impair their judgment. Often to medicate this state results in killing the goose that lays the golden egg.
Please do not condemn Robin Williams for ending his life as he saw it and not as we think we understand it. Aren’t suicidal people often in hell on this side before they ever go to the other side? Who are we to condemn them?
Related articles across the web
Anger, The Source Of Depression?
Is anger the source of depression? Doesn’t it take a lot of anger as the motivating force in order to kill yourself. You can’t take it out on anybody else so you take it out on the only other possible victim, yourself!
Anger is the dark cloud that follows the depressed person around. It is always raining on the depressed person’s parade. When it is hard to feel happy (Some people say that this is genetically so for the depressed person) and sadness lingers longer for the depressed person than for the nondepressed person.
“Don’t rain on my parade” could be the motto for the depressed person. The average depressed person; however, doesn’t see any way out. Normal solutions for other people like creating a diversion like going for a walk, listening to some music, or watching a movie doesn’t serve as the distraction that it might serve for normal person who is upset and feels bad.
As tragic as it sounds, “taking” someone with you is not an unthinkable solution for the depressed person because he or she is so angry. Worse come to worse the most horrible solution is not taking just anyone with you, but taking your loved ones, your children with you. It is a way of taking them out of this cruel world so they don’t have to suffer like the depressed person has.
Not being able to vent anger or modeling what parents, authority figures, and possibly peers have done is to blame the only one left to blame, themselves. If you are not allowed to be angry and are in fact even more rejected if you try leaves no way out. The beauty of the world is “blacked” out. Not only is the depressed person chronically unhappy, but they have been made to feel that the only one they have to blame is him or her self.
This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that it is hopeless to try and do anything about being depressed. Often venting about being depressed and hopeless and how needy you are only has one possible outcome driving other people away because they become tried of hearing this. Also it usually also generates the creation of “Why don’t you, yes buts,” which is a game people play to insure that there is no solution for their plight which seems to be more important than finding one. Because it justifies them having not found one before now. (See the book, “The Games People Play.”)
Feeling responsible for having lived a lifetime of depression is hard to accept and/or give up. If I am not the happiest person in the world, than I must be the unhappiest one. This provides some justification for one’s helpless plight in life.
In conclusion, again could it be that some people have a harder time feeling happy than others and that it might be genetic. Perhaps endorphins are not as easily released in some people as it is in others. Another genetic possibility is that when unhappy some people have a harder time getting over it when their past experiences in trying to do so have been unsuccessful or prolonged so that the depressed person can’t predict an immediate or future good outcome when they are suffering in this way.
Last, but not least, depressed people may have had little success finding role models who are able to successfully handle depression by such things as distraction and avoiding ruminating about it. Also parents and other role models may have added to this sense of hopelessness by focusing on their own inability or the depressed child’s inability to do anything about it and by reinforcing a poor self-concept.
You Can’t Take It With You
You can’t take it with you. Or can you? Some people think they can and do. Did you ever wonder why people shoot to kill other people and then commit suicide? They are so angry inside that they want to die and to take other people with them.
Depression is anger turned inward. It takes an awful lot of anger inside to want to kill yourself. Anger when turned inward is very explosive and even more explosive when turned outward.
When a person feels hopeless, worthless, and maybe even consigned to hell, this generates a lot of anger at the world and the other people on it who either made him or her that way or who have or have had it better than him or herself. This anger can then be directed outward at those hateful persons and the lucky stiffs.
The reason for this post is that I have often have had people say to me why do people who commit suicide take other people with them? Worse yet some people who commit suicide take the loved ones of people they are angry with with them in order to hurt these people even more than if they killed them. These people have to then live the rest of their lives without their loved ones.
Please stop before you get that mad if you are depressed.
Love-Hate Relationships
Hate to Love You (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Almost any relationship can be a love-hate relationship. The more time you spend being judgmental, the less time you have to be accepting. It is a shame that people respond so negatively to judgmental comments by others. Other people want to get a reaction out of you. Do they do it by building you up or by tearing you down?
The more time you spend criticizing and trying to control others the less time you have to love and admire them. Children bask in the love of friends and family. When does this stop? Have you ever been asked why can’t you control your kids and then jumped on their case, that of your children, not of the person complaining. Who do you value most? Other people? or your children?
No I would not suggest that you let children run all over you; but the younger they are, the more pure are their motives. Do you often make them feel like they have just committed a crime especially when you are stressed, not necessarily by them? More negativity just adds to the problem if the person or child was happy until they were judged negatively, how do you think they would feel after?
Some people say that indifference is stronger than hate. If you just don’t care enough to say anything good or bad about a person anymore, where does that person rate in terms of your concern about them. How lonely and unwanted does a person feel when he or she is thinking about suicide?
Related articles
- Are you in a love hate relationship? (youuniversityonline.com)
Who’s Your Inner Voice? Part I
Having discussed mind chatter before, now I want to know, Who’s your inner voice?” Parent, teacher, minister, God, the devil? Your friends and/or neighbors. Family members besides your parents? When you talk to yourself, do you become your inner voice or do you have to do it out loud? Interesting idea isn’t it?
Who’s your inner voice? If it is not you, then it is someone else like I said above. Why do you let somebody else tell you what to do when it is you who will suffer the consequences? Doing what you are told to do by that inner voice may save you some grief or it may not save you some grief. If you constantly repeat in your head what somebody else has told you, is this benefiting you or that person.
Who’s your inner voice? Have you thought about it and come up with an answer? Did you choose that inner voice? Does it benefit you? Please don’t just believe that because the voice comes from inside your head that it is really saying what you need to hear. Our parents, our peers, may have less than good intentions when they tell you something and it sticks in your head and tells you to do something for your own good? Think for yourself. What really do you need to do for your own good?
Who’s your inner voice? Is it positive or negative? Negative voices whether anger, fear, self-despairaging comments are things that get you in to trouble, lower your self-esteem, and may even make you think you wish you were dead are not in your best interest. Guilt, shame, etc. can work against you if you continue to voice them even after the incident has passed and you have made amends if any were necessary.
Who’s your inner voice. Does it egg you on, promote behavior that will harm you or others? Adolescents often have an imaginary audience who they perceive as judging their behavior. They also may believe things that are not true (personal myths) that support beliefs that will put them in harm’s way. For example, they think they are invincible.
Inner voices can be positive. You may have grown to trust them. When you are about to give up, they keep you going. More about who’s your inner voice next time.
Related articles
- Things You Are Not To Talk About (myeverydaypsychology.com)
- Hearing Voices (inspirationalchristiansfortoday.com)
- 5 steps to get you listening to your inner voice (betheloveoflife.wordpress.com)
- An imaginary audience (asholder.wordpress.com)
Recent Comments