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Jumping To Conclusions Or How Opinionated Are You?

Thanks To Facebook And Twitter And politics, we are having a rash of rash conclusions about what should be going on in the world. Last night I heard on Fox News that oxycontin was responsible for drug deaths and was falsely promoted by the drug company as a safe drug that could be taken for pain in increasing amounts and was responsible for a rash of deaths due to people becoming addicted to the drug implying that nobody should be-be taking the drug even reasonably for moderate pain relief. The speaker was completely sure that nobody should have access to the drug even if they suffered from intolerable pain without it. Needless to say that this speaker was very confident about his conclusions but he had totally left out the other side of the story since it didn’t affect him. Opinion-oriented presentations can lead to one-sided presentations and to making decisions that affect people who are not misusing the drug and who can’t receive massive amounts of drugs under current prescription laws and who wouldn’t ever try to get them from the black market.

I am one of those patients. I have neuropathy due to spinal stenosis and even though I was successfully operated on many years ago to prevent me from becoming a quadriplegic; I still had some neuropathy which initially developed before the surgery which still exists and persists. I am on medication for this but it is limited in what it can do and it has progressed so there are times when the pain is intolerable and the medication for the neuropathy can’t control it. I also take over the counter pain medications with my doctor’s knowledge but there are times when neither medication can control the symptoms and there are times when I feel like I could wind up in the emergency room which is some distance away and an intolerably long ambulance ride because I can’t take the symptoms which involve spasms and burning pain. I receive a limited amount of oxycontin which I cautiously use for this but not every time it happens which can be every day, but I limit it by what I might have to do that day and what I can tolerate.

I fortunately or unfortunately have had oxycontin before after a couple of surgeries and in one case developed intractable constipation and loss of time where I thought a long period of time had passed and it only was a few minutes. I had a pump that time which was supposed to limit how much of the drug I got but it was too much for me and on top of that it seemed to me that nobody was checking on me either.

To me, it seemed that presentation was made by a “smart aleck” that thought he knew what he was talking about, but who had not really covered the subject or investigated what he was told or read somewhere and who could be responsible for a group of people who might not abuse the drug not getting the pain relief that they needed and would cause needless suffering.

It seems to me that people often promote ideas about things that will not have a direct effect on them rather carelessly and often from a dictatorial point of view being that most dictators tell others what to do when they themselves will suffer no direct effects from their own commands.

Relieving Yourself Of Shame, Blame, And Guilt

P.S.: This post is not for the sociopathic narcissist!

When someone confronts you about something they think you have done. Do you react with feelings of shame, blame, and/or guilt? It has been easy for me to do this. I have been brought up with a strict Christian background and my mother’s reaction to my misbehavior was to withdraw her love. She didn’t have to shame me, blame me, or make me feel guilty as it was all wrapped up into one.

Recently I was reading in Christian literature and I found out once you have asked God to forgive you and you have accepted His forgiveness, you no longer have to feel shame. In fact, if this doesn’t happen, you have not really accepted His forgiveness. In fact, you should no longer feel unhappy if it is not necessary. This does not relieve you of making amends if needed.

There are plenty of people out there waiting to attack good souls and to make the good souls feel bad in order to avoid feeling bad themselves. It could be the work of the Devil according to Christian beliefs. Initially, you might feel shame about how bad a person you might be to do something like this. Guilt comes when you accept blame and realize how doing such behavior might reflect on you as a person. Now you will have to do something about it to make amends and this releases the other person from feeling bad themselves and accepting responsibility for their retaliatory behavior. It usually takes the focus off them.

Once when I was working as a student in a clinic, my female supervisor took me aside and told me that the staff had been noticing that I smelled bad. Well, I washed and dry cleaned all my clothes and never went to work without taking a bath or shower. Still, she was taking me aside and telling me I smelled bad. I was feeling worse and worse in my position as a student in the clinic. If they stopped me from coming, I couldn’t keep my trainee position and that would go on my record.

Well, some way on my own, I figured out that it was my perfume. I liked that kind of perfume or I wouldn’t have been wearing it. Needless to say, this freaked me out from ever wearing any perfume. It wasn’t my fault, it had never been my fault. I had never had this happen to me before. I didn’t realize that such a thing could happen, but my body chemistry acted adversely with the chemistry of my perfume. Still, maybe my supervisor or someone on the staff could have figured that out too. I don’t think that I ever got an apology from my supervisor or the staff.

Sometimes the policy is jump first; think later. How much shame, blame, and guilt did I go through in that situation? Even if you are guilty and you are going to confess it and make amends, how much do feelings of shame, blame, and guilt interfere? Do you resist doing this and spend sleepless nights dealing with the potential self-righteous feelings of others and your already depressing feelings of shame, blame, and guilt. Do you plan to make reasonable amends, and would like to eventually feel better about yourself and feel good enough so that you will not be trapped back into your addiction so that you will momentarily feel better, but realize in the long run you will be in a worse position and you will have dug an even deeper hole for yourself.

Confrontation can be a delicate thing to do even if you are right. Many people may just jump out and do it because they feel righteous especially if they are rule-following, Bible-thumping hypocrites as they miss some of the less obvious Christ-like behaviors that would be more appropriate. Again I may repeat, but when my children were small, no older than 4,2, and 1, I got them ready for church and brought them to the church by myself, I was worn out when I got there. At least one of us had to change our clothes once before we left home. When I got there and was getting the littlest ones out of car seats, I had to watch other cars pulling into parking spaces so that they didn’t run over the little ones once I got them out. We sat in the back of the church (no nursery) and the oldest took off for the altar and I was helpless but eventually, I got them under control, not as much as I would have liked, but I had no help.

Once the church was over and it was time for Sunday school. a very well-dressed older woman came into the bathroom and let me have it citing how it would not have happened when her children were little and bragged about how her children turned to be professionals and well-recognized in their fields. Then soon another woman came into the bathroom and joined in. I went home crushed and decided to quit going to church. Then the second woman called and apologized. Did I initially feel shamed, blamed, and guilty? Now, don’t you think someone should have helped me in church? It would have been the Christian thing to do. Also, several times when the oldest had misbehaved in church, I would manage somehow to take him out onto the church steps and spank him.

Finally, sometimes it is better to think about something you have done and are feeling guilty to think about how you handled it considering the circumstances and either store it away as an experience or lay it to rest and go on feeling relieved of shame, blame, and guilty for the moment. P.S.: feeling shame, blame, and or guilt can keep you from laying something to rest and going on in a new direction. For me, God forgiving my sins means I can go on from here and lay matters to rest so I can do something about them if I need to without unnecessary shame, blame, and guilt getting in the way.

You Can Understand Yourself Better and You Can Understand How and Why You Do Or Don’t Get Along With Other People

I wouldn’t have ever thought that a dressing system would help me understand myself and others. For example, in one system based on the seasons, I was a “Summer” and I wore my clothes and bought my clothes based on the system. I never got any compliments based on the clothes that I wore that were “summer” and I didn’t feel more confident when I wore them.

Then I gave up on using any sort of system and just bought what I needed and appealed to me. I don’t know how I ran across Carol Tuttle’s Dressing Your Truth system but it interested me and I bought one of her first books and decided I was a Type 1 because I thought I was “an idea person”. At that time, her Dressing Your Truth system had at that time a store that sold clothing and accessories, as well as makeup and I, bought a few type 1 things. It wasn’t until I looked back at a picture of me in a “Type 1” top that I realized that the top wasn’t flattering at all and began to look elsewhere in the system.

Then I began looking at the “Type 3” part of the system and as I began to coordinate and choose my outfits and accessories as “the dynamic Type 3 woman”, I started getting spontaneous compliments from strangers on my dress. Later I took some photos of “type 3” hairstyles to a hairdresser and began to get compliments on my hair which I wasn’t used to. As I perceive it, Carol Tuttle, every woman can stand out and command attention if she follows her style of energy.

When I finally began to read The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle which I already had, I began to understand my type more when I read about a “Type 3” child at different ages and how to parent a “Type 3” child at different ages. It also talked about the interaction between different types of parents and their parenting styles and how different types of children would interact with them. Finally, the book did not forget boys and men and their different interacting styles. As I said in a previous post, there is a Dressing Your Truth system for boys and men for all four interacting styles. It does seem fairly complicated but if you start with finding your own type and exploring it on the internet in the Dressing Your Truth system and then go on to reading the books on the system and then to reading the Child Whisperer, you will gain the background you need to explore it.

References to specific books and internet sites will follow when I get them.

Do You Really Know Your Child? And Do You Really Know Yourself?

Both of these things are important. You can’t be successful at child rearing if you don’t know both things. The most helpful theory I have found has been Carol Tuttle’s book, The Child Whisperer. I actually got started reading Carol Tuttle’s book after I became acquainted with her system of dressing oneself according to your energy type.

It took me a while to understand Dressing Your Truth and initially I picked the wrong type; but after reading the Child Whisperer, I became more confident with my current choice, Type 3. I had initially chosen type 1, which I now have realized was my secondary type, not my primary type. I really knew that I had made the right choice when I started getting unexpected compliments from strangers in type 3 clothes and accessories. I knew that type 1 was not my type when I saw a picture of myself in a type 1 top that I had chosen because it was advertised as type 1 in the Dressing Your Truth store which was open at that time. Also, please note there is now information for men about all 4 types.

The Child Whisperer has information about all four types of children and has information about all four types of parents. It very clearly explains how these various types of children can interact and how mistakes can easily be made in understanding each other and in interacting with each other because the requirements of each type of child at different stages fit with different types of parents both positively and negatively. Thus you have four possible types of children and four possible types of parents. Add to that that there are two parents and they can be different from each other and then once the parents get used to how their possibly different styles of parenting interact with this type of child, they might go on to having more children who might not be the same type.

The book, The Child Whisperer, goes into all the different combinations as well as explaining how each different type of child might be like at different stages and how to recognize them and how different styles of parenting are like with each energy type. However, I would recommend that you should become acquainted with each energy type first which is easier for women as the Dressing Your Truth system was first started as being for women. There are now materials for men. Once you find your energy type (and this is true for both men and women), you will find yourself being more comfortable in your clothes and more confident about your appearance.

The Dressing Your Truth System is available online. There is material there to help you determine your type and material that tells you what each type is like. There is an earlier book and a more recent book. They tell you how to identify each type and how each type is characterized. For example,I am “Fire” when I initially thought I was “Air”; but my personal nicknames have always been “Wildcat’ and “Wildfire” although as a child I was always called, “Pumpkin” which curiously is one of the colors that is suggested for Type 3’s to wear.

Curiously, there are three colors that should only be worn by one of these types, they are pure white, gray, and black. Notice that these are usually presented as staples in one’s wardrobe. I have a family picture taken at a wedding where I was dressed in a black top and a black skirt. I looked terrible and the only thing that I can say about how I looked is that I looked, “huge” and you would ordinarily think that black would make you look smaller. Only type 4’s can get away with black (and pure white as far as that matters) and gray can only be worn by type 2’s. I assume that would be true for men too. I really have not read up on men yet.

Curious yet? I am going to publish this without all the relevant details just to get you interested and I will follow up with them in a week.

Something You Maybe Should Know

Sometimes when people say that they are telling you something you should know for your own good, maybe it really is for their own good. Maybe they tell you that you should change something about yourself for your own good when really its something that is for their own good, not yours? “Janey, you should quit talking so much and stop monopolizing the conversation”, when really they are the one who wants to monopolize the conversation and they want you to shut up and let them completely take over. Worse yet they can compliment you about something you are wearing or about a new hairstyle when obviously it doesn’t flatter you at all. Then your best friend can be your worst enemy. How do you tell the difference between one and the other?

Also less lethal but still misleading is a friend-enemy who may monopolize the choice of the next store to go to on “Black Friday” or acts like she is being the most helpful when you are deciding where to eat. It is always presented as the most logical choice but over time you or others don’t get to go where they might have planned to go. If you kept score, how many times did they get their choice while you or others did not get theirs? Maybe you had hoped to have Chinese and to top it off it might have even been your birthday and you didn’t get to have your choice for whatever reason your “friend” gave. Then if you begin to feel slightly angry over time, your friend will have a reason why you shouldn’t feel bad and it makes you look and feel like an oversensitive slob.

Could your friend be a little narcissistic and even insensitive? Not that you could say anything about them or to them. The only remedy often seems to be a little bit narcissistic or insensitive yourself. Often you spend too much time being codependent and meeting other people’s needs and may even have difficulty recognizing your own needs. “Let’s invite Judy (that’s you) to the party, I’m sure she’ll bring the food and even make the decorations.” Whoops, isn’t something going “wrong” there? Maybe the party wasn’t your idea and you had something else planned. But you get coopted!

Why Does The Victim Often Have More Trouble than the Offender?

Here I am in trouble again and you may often find yourself in this type of trouble too. The offender gets out of trouble by blaming the offender. Such as they deserved it. They were so stupid that they deserved to lose to me. Why should they trust people so much? If caught often the punishment does not equal in cost, inconvenience or shame what the offense cost the victim. Often victims have to take on the role of being a damaged person whose repair is difficult, often incomplete and leaves scars.

I am a sexual abuse victim. Even the word victim is personally damaging. I didn’t ask for it but I got it anyway or will get it for sure if I tell anybody like I am doing now. I didn’t realize it until the first time I felt a sexual response while making out and it went away. I tried many ways to fix this without any luck and so I live with it. Also, it seems that once a victim, always a victim.

I had a therapist who once called me sexually attractive which made me uncomfortable at the time. At the end of therapy when I was moving out of town, he invited me to come to see him and let him know how I was doing if ever I was back in town. When I came back, I found out that he expected me to have sex with him. I remember nothing that happened after that. Boy, was I naive and I became a victim again. Now I know why I never felt I was sexually attractive because that was dangerous. It also affected my self-esteem. Now does being seen as sexually attractive mark me as someone to be exploited? It seems to be true at least in this case.

I was considered a behavior problem in grade school. Was I reacting to being sexually abused? I had almost men teachers at that time. The best year I had was with my only woman teacher! In those days, no one considered the fact that I was a problem because they didn’t know what to do with me. In fact, at graduation, I wasn’t made the valedictorian because of my behavior so I said I wasn’t going to graduation if they didn’t. We compromised, I got the award for the highest grades in the class instead. I think I was one of the first people to threaten to boycott their graduation. Also, I was told I would never make better than a “B” in high school; however, I graduated high school as the class Salutatorian. I also suspected that they suspected that I was fairly intelligent because they had someone give me a WISC (the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children), but I never learned what my IQ was.

I was also bullied in high school on the bus and nobody did nothing about it. I did nothing to deserve it. In fact, I spend my time reading to the little kids on the bus. I ended up not riding the bus even though I live in the country. I also was a member of what I called the “out” group in high school. the members of which, including myself, all sat in a group in the auditorium to eat our lunches. We all were there for different reasons, the country kids (but that was not my reason to be there), the less intelligent kids, the poor kids, etc. I was there just because I didn’t make into one of the uppity groups whose members snubbed us.

In ending, I would like to say that from my point of view that I became a victim of other people’s enjoyment at my expense. Victims of crimes also seem to get not fully repaid for their losses caused by those who victimize them. Victims of break-ins often never feel comfortable in their own homes again.

What are the losses, peace of mind, monetary especially the extra cost of legal fees, medical expenses, the cost of therapy needed? Also, the inability to have normal emotional responses again, the lowered ability to trust people, tragic memories or the loss of memories of things that happened, fear of getting into certain situations again. What of these costs does the offender ever have to pay and does the suffering of being caught and having to pay for these offenses by going to prison ever catch up with them? Remediation often doesn’t really happen for some reason such as the inability to identify or catch the offender or the offense is not considered a crime.

What A Nice Surprise.

I was pregnant with my second child and though I hoped for a girl as my first was a boy; but I didn’t know because we had no way of telling at that time. When I did have a girl, I was pleasantly surprised and had a smile on my face; but I didn’t realize until later that I wasn’t prepared for a girl (I had had two brothers (oops I almost misspelled them as “bothers”), but my good friend gifted me with an assortment of girl items which were greatly appreciated by me. However that night I went into a trance state (a form of hypnosis which I had earlier had used for help labor) and went through all the possible thoughts and ideas and scenarios that were connected with having my first girl child.

I guess I was not really prepared and my mind told me that. It was a significant event for me and went beyond the happiness of having a boy and now a girl (P.S.: The third child was also a girl and I was more prepared for her.). These sometimes negative thoughts were a form of preparation especially for me. I regretted losing a night’s sleep with a new baby; I realized I had mixed feelings and possibly without acknowledging them, they might have interfered more with my attachment to my new baby.

As a psychologist, I realized their value and acceptability of my mixed feelings in my forming my relationship with my baby girl. I don’t know if this could have affected positively or negatively my only experience of postnatal depression which I had with this birth. I don’t know for sure if it decreased my experience or increased it; but I feel that as a psychologist, my experience of working through some of these issues immediately after the birth helped and so did my gift from my good friend.

Relating my experience above is also a gift to a good friend of mine who is expecting a girl for the first time after creating a big brother for her too. As one who might possibly use this information, I am just suggesting to her what might happen and how I felt when this happened to me. I also had the encouragement of a friend who is and was at that time the mother of several girls and the support and the help of having had previous trances to help with labor. Was this my hypnotist’s post-hypnotic suggestion? It could have been as it was just like him to do something like that. I am wishing my friend who is going to give birth soon that everything goes well and I will be thinking of her.

Project, Project, Project

WEBSITE HAS BEEN DOWN SINCE MARCH DUE TO TECHNICAL FAILURES.
/>Telling someone off might be telling something about you. Where do all those names come from that you use in name calling? In psychology, this process is called “projection”. The-is is probably the oldest and most common source of projection. It happens when someone is already doing something or has done that they accuse someone they are mad at of doing the same thing. For example, a governmental committee chairperson is accusing the administrative head of the government of dragging his or her feet in promoting an issue when it is actually the committee that is doing that.

This can also lead to denial by the accuser or the “Who Me?” syndrome. Remember when one finger is pointing to another person three fingers are pointing back to the person who is pointing the finger. The history of the situation can be a big help. How has the accuser behaved in the past or do other people say the opposite about him to what he says about himself? That leads to thinking that denial is the source of much of projection.

Some people think that if they say something often enough and loud enough that it will be believable and also that in addition that other people will not bother to check the facts. I, myself, am sometimes guilty of the latter. I recently got fact-checked on FaceBook by a friend. I believed something because I wanted to believe it about somebody. Beware!

This is a problem with the media who have several television stations saying the same thing. They have simply jumped to conclusions without checking the facts, without having more than one reliable source for their information, and becoming people who give only their opinions as news, talking about things the way that they want them to be rather than the way they really are. They are often easily misinformed choosing the things that they want to hear, not the things they don’t want to here This includes the photos and films they choose to show. Are they so paranoid because they fear that the truth might prevail? and upset the apple cart? Their applecart?

How People Try To Control Others When They Can’t Control Themselves

What do you think?  Are you in control of yourself?  Big job, isn’t it?  Do you have some habits that take control?  Eating?  Sleeping?  Golf? Watching sports?  Hunting?  Not controlling your temper? Hogging the electronics or the laptop?  Being unavailable for conversation or socialization because of this?  Gossiping? Seeing others as sexually promiscuous?  Perceiving others as using too much foul language?  But not yourself?

Do you have someone bossy in your family that almost always gets their way and others often agree to do what they want in order to keep the peace?  It is an interesting idea to see these people as not in control of themselves and to consider the idea that they either don’t know it or they don’t admit it?

Golly, there is so much to control as an everyday human and things can get out of control real fast like addictions, laziness, focusing solely on one’s career and letting other things like socialization go.  Do we try to control others because we can’t or won’t control our own selves?

The Bible says to get the pebble out of your own eye before trying to get rid of one in someone else’s eye. I grew up with a very controlling and complaining parent.  We never talked about what he or she did wrong, just what was wrong with others.  Gee, this person is starting to look like a saint.  As a Christian why would one require salvation if they never did anything wrong, just other people?

Remember whatever you might complain about in another person might be something actually that you have little control of in yourself.  Beware the biggest controller might not be the other person; it might be you.  My controlling parent actually kept on trying to control me after I had gone on to graduate school, gotten married, and moved away from home.  I feel that person could have pulled food out of my mouth if he or she thought it wasn’t good for me to eat.

The worst conflict that we had was when I made the decision to get a divorce from my first husband.  When I told this parent this, it was all about how the divorce would make this parent look and how it made this parent feel.  I received no support from this parent and I cried so hard that I had to go into the shower and turn it on to drown out the sound of my crying and wash away my tears.

Then when things got tough in my second marriage, this parent was more concerned that I might move back home with the children and become dependent on this parent than this parent was concerned with how I would cope with them if I had to do this. Then I realized that this parent again was more concerned about herself than she was about me.

Learning to control yourself is a life long process and most people? might never accomplish this. Sometimes it is easier to just control others and how they effect you than it is to work on controlling yourself first. Manipulating others sometimes comes easier to do than taking charge of yourself and what you tend to do unbridled. MY WEBSITE WAS OUT OF COMMISSION FROM AFTER THIS POST WAS WRITTEN UNTIL SOMETIME IN MAY DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

I Thought It Was Just Me!

Somebody can be mean to you and can also convince you that you deserved it. Is this just bullying or can it be more sophisticated than that? Saying things like “This is for your own good or I wouldn’t be telling you this”. Some people saying they are just being helpful then why does it hurt so much? and if this is just to help you, why does it hurt so bad? Why as a result do you feel so shameful and like you shouldn’t go out till after dark? It seems like that everything you do out of what you think is kindness is taken the wrong way.

Don’t take this the wrong way if you really are just being helpful but if you are bullying then these comments are not so helpful and you are not just being kind. Then it is not just me. What is the long term gain of these behaviors? Do you wind up feeling better than the person you help in this way in some way? Do you feel it is important for the person that you are criticizing for their own good to feel shameful in some way? Then if not just shameful then guilty. Women are much better at playing this game than men. Men who just as soon just go ahead and hit you and leave your self-esteem alone.

Is feeling shame is less upsetting than having a black eye? Probably not at least to women. Now don’t go ahead and take this wrong way and let it justify physical abuse of women as if a slap or punch feels better than a “God D–n you Bitch”. Mental and emotional abuse are still forms of abuse. What do you get out of having the privilege of correcting someone? If you get any privilege or satisfaction out of it, maybe you aren’t doing it for the person’s own good?

What does it mean when someone says that a guy who is physically or verbally abused should take it like a man? When this is done to a woman should she take it like a woman? What does that mean? Does it mean that no matter how mean and nasty the lecture that the woman should turn around and apologize for something that they didn’t know was wrong? It is always for their own good. Then why does it feel so bad to them? How come it hit them broadside and maybe they feel that they didn’t see it coming.

How come the person doing it feels such relief after they let the other person have it? Worse yet maybe it rick-o-shayed and something hurtful just bounced off the speaker’s back and on to the back of the “victim”. For example, the man has a fight with his wife and then kicks the cat on the way out while grumbling at the cat that it was in his way. The perpetrator can be extremely dense and not see the relationship between being mad about something with somebody and taking it out on somebody else. Road rage often is the result of this as the person overacts at some slight offense on the road out of proportion to what really happened.

In the distant past, I used to get very critical letters from someone about my parenting skills. I didn’t realize at the time that this was happening. It is a form of scapegoating and the other person makes you feel bad so they can feel better. It is something like receiving a bomb like one of those exploding sacks dropped on your porch with poop in it. The problem is the size of the bomb and the length of the bombardment. There is no chance to recover as the bomb blasts come one right after the
other. If there is no bomb shelter, then you cover your ears and close your mouth and put your arms around yourself so as to make as little a target as possible. Also, it is not difficult to appear normal or better than normal for the bombardier when around other people after the blasts are over.