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Here I Am. I Can Not Do Otherwise!

Do you have dreams of being somebody else?  A famous person?  Do people around you criticize you for being who you are?  In God’s eyes, we are perfect; but we often have difficulty accepting that.   Forgiveness is a very great gift and it was hard-won according to the Bible.  The next most difficult thing to accept is that if God can forgive us for what we have done and continue to do then shouldn’t we understand that others who have sinned against us and continue to sin against us deserve to be forgiven too.  Tit for tat.

We all have the ability to accept ourselves and to realize that God is more than able to do this too.  Once we realize we are God’s sons and daughters than self-acceptance comes more easily.  I was born at a time that the way parents disciplined children constantly put us down.  One method was the withdrawal of love and the other was the attitude that was constantly applied to children was what will other people think.  Children are naturally buoyant and can rebound from these things.  Especially if they have good friends or have time and space for self-contemplation or have access to books or good teachers or other role models that teach them to accept themselves.

If we become spiritual and aware of our own soul at a young age that we have the power to overcome obstacles and the power not to accept put-downs that are generated by adults or peers.  Of course, this is easier in some environments than it is in others.  Some adults and some peers distort life and push for an unlawful lifestyle where it is killed or be killed and where one gang is pitted against another.  Where it seems to appear to be that there is no hope of a peaceful lifestyle in this war zone.  Other children grow up in families where there are few money worries but there is a strong push by the parents or tutors for the children to succeed in certain areas whether or not that child has the ability to do so.  Self-esteem is crushed and hope for the future is shriveled.

Drugs easily illegally drift into these environments as a way to alter the environment and to ignore pressures, but this can lead to illegal methods of procuring them.  As drug consumption increases then there is often physical and mental damage is done to the person.  Initially, it may appear glamorous and as a way of relieving the pressures of a “successful” life.  Few people who become successful and/or famous understand what pressures come with such success and how to deal with them.  They can be attracted to short-cuts and to overdoing methods that do work.

Yes, you can be independent and do not choose to orient towards a religious style of life and the support that it can give you.  Even then you must decern which religion is the “true” religion and how you will practice it.  If you are uncomfortable that may be such a sign.  In Christianity, the Bible can be your reference and it must be studied with an open mind and a desire to be a true follower of God (initially manifested in the Old Testament, by His son Jesus. and by His disciples.  It can require a lot of self-examination, the practice of what is in the Word, and the realization that a belief in God can make you feel valued as a person and to help you see how to include other people in your life who should accept you as you accept them.

And in the end, should you think of newly born or even unborn babies as worthy individuals with the potential to have good self-esteem, the potential to treat others well as they are treated.



Just a note: what I write is based on my experiences, my background, and what I make of them. Recently my site has been down due to personal and technical issues and to some extent, I have been my own technical support. I also need to have time to address my own personal and medical issues, time with family (there are currently 18 of us when we gather around here), and household duties, budgeting, housework, and shopping.

For me getting depressed is getting down, tears appear in my eyes (not enough for anyone to see), I don’t want to do anything like eating, or be out where we watch TV. I do take most of my pills because I need them but it is difficult to get them all taken on time. I stop socializing and go to my office and do what I have to do here where my spiritual stuff, papers, boxes of stuff waiting for remodeling to be over in the rest of the house and computer stuff. The only ones that come in are my cat, my husband’s dog, and the grandkids unless I shut the door which doesn’t stop all the grandkids (especially the teen).

Often I feel ignored and that motivates me to leave. I leave knowing they (my family) won’t even know I am gone until I return. I don’t tell them why I left when I return because they won’t even know or care. I almost always bring them something back so they think that is why I left. They are happy to see what I brought but not necessarily to see me again. Only one cousin (who I see rarely) understood why I left when I returned with a Dairy Queen cake for dessert for our family reunion. This is a TRAP I set when I want to see if anybody cares.

I used to have a dream scenario where I was trapped into being part of a crime which was not my intention to commit where I got injured during the crime or by the police after. I would escape capture usually but later got picked up because of my injuries either seeking help at the hospital or collapsing and being picked up to take me to the hospital where I would not accept care if I could and if I couldn’t the hospital people would involve the police so I would try to escape and not except care.

This is a very open post for me. Basically I want people to care for me in my life. If I need help, I often get told to do it myself and if they have to help, I feel that I owe them and my other half, often takes over and thanks them for having to help me. The best example of getting what I need is the first time I had an interaction with Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She held me during an externalization session and let me cry when I said, “I want to go home and it’s not here”. It was an extremely genuine interaction and that was true of the few externalization sessions that I had with people she had trained. I stood on the edge of these groups wanting to be taken in but I was not sure. Another thing that I said in one of these groups was, “Don’t hit him; hit me.” before the leader called me in. My realization was that I was the protector. I acted this out once when some boy was beating up on my older brother in grade school and I tried to stop him.

Also when I am with people that I have a close familial relationship with, the focus is what I should be doing around them. I feel like I am being bullied and I shut down and just survive as I perceive it as anger, rejection, and more demands that I change for them and of course on their part there is no desire to find out what I need (like a hug). I sit and watch what they do with each other or friends and it reminds me of what I mostly did without in school while I worked at learning and practicing my profession. Sure that resulted in a lacking of socialization on my part. I mostly watched and was not invited to participate.

I have escaped on a few trips going where they weren’t able or interested in going where I felt more accepted and where some of my interests were fulfilled (there not here). I am sure there is a list of what they HAVE done for me. I am not denying its validity. I feel I am going to curl up and dry up sometimes. What about you?

Details, Details, Not My Cup Of Tea

Recently I have been studying Carol Tuttle’s Dressing Your Truth which supports four types of personalities which have different energies. I think I am scatterbrained as I have no desire to be an accountant and have never had that desire. Keeping track of many columns of numbers is a horrific task for me. I can’t handle money at a garage sale. Tax time can be traumatic for me and I don’t look forward to it. Handling both a business and a farming operation was confusing for me. Making and keeping a budget can be a catastrophy.

I have decided I am a type # 3 mainly with a secondary type # 1. These are not orderly personality types. I can not get a column of numbers to add up the same each time I do them and I tend to hang on to old-time arithmetic. If you don’t use it, you lose it. To heck with modern math and Common Core. I am glad my kids are adults so I don’t have to deal with that, but they do. For some bizarre reason, I found Geometry in high school easy!?

It is difficult when your adult children expect things out of you that they can do but you can’t. I think my daughters are more type #2 (concerned with details) and type 4 (very orderly and structured). The energy type system makes me feel better about my self as we type 3’s can be very energetic and rebellious. We usually don’t disappear into the background. My personal nicknames, “Wildcat”, and “Wildfire” reflect that. I don’t know how my dad came up with “Pumpkin” when I was a little girl. I wasn’t round and orange.

You know, we are all different. Even identical twins have some differences as did two girls in my grade school. One was quieter and not as good a student as the other. Yes, they still looked alike. I guess what I am saying, “Give me a break.” if I am not like you and have a great deal of difficulty sometimes trying to do it your way. P.P.S.: Men have the same problems too and they have different energy types too.

When An Immovable Object Like You Can Not Be Challenged, It Is Difficult For You Or Possibly Them To Get Upset As There Is No Emotional Payoff And You Can Keep Your Cool

People count on the fact that you can be upset, that you will buy their spiel, that you can be made to leave them alone, or anything else that they want you to do or feel. Have you ever just observed what a person looks like they are feeling, what they are trying to get across and then decided that you are not going to fall for their ploy. Can you anticipate what they are going to do from what they look like, for example, a dark rolling thunder cloud? I once saw a woman who looked like she was dressed to impress and because of this, she was wanting to make the impression that she was upper class and expected to get her way. It was clear that she was going to get angry. You know what I did I quickly pushed my cart down another aisle in the farm store where I could avoid her and not become a part of her drama which she was intending to play out and win the upset of another person, mostly a clerk, but if not a clerk than another shopper like me. Ouch. She appeared to be extremely self-righteous, stately, and ready to blow up as soon as she ran into a ready victim, someone who would easily feel to blame for her upset and grant her desire to feel self-righteous.

Surprise, surprise, I do not always have to play the victim of someone else’s desires. I can be calm, I can leave the scene, and I cannot provide such a person with their reward by being a willing victim in their desired vignette. Another scene that I can sense coming is when my spouse is ready to judge me is when I know I have done something that he could accuse me of like eating the last piece of cake, of course, the smallest piece of cake, or not knowing where the car keys are or putting them up somewhere that I am not sure where I placed them. It is easier to admit what I am guilty of by confirming that I did it in a matter of fact way. Then the desired upset is difficult for him to carry out when I admit I am guilty in a matter of fact way. Then the desired drama is difficult for him to carry out. I, at the beginning, tell him I did the thing that he is anticipating that I did wrong without getting upset, feeling guilty, or getting mad at him for finding me out.

Meditation is a habit that can reinforce one’s ability to keep their cool. As in meditation, you can relax while letting your thoughts pass by while not attending to them. Also, you can develop the habit of choosing not to feel guilty or emotionally upset by letting your thoughts plague you til you begin to suffer. Focusing on a situation often does not do any good especially when you know what you should have done or what you ought to do in the future. Manipulators are good at predicting what people will do or feel and can accomplish their own selfish ends this way. For example, they can usually count on people doing the “polite” thing.

Count on developing your blank face as one form of defense with such people. “Oh, you were speaking to me.” Is another good line and form of defense and usually catches such people off guard. People like these count on getting another person’s or at least some person’s attention or (God Forbid) everyone’s attention. Who knows what potentially they have to sound off about and why they think they can count on having a willing victim or willing victims.

Practice being calm and being like a duck who can let the water run off of his back and being undisturbed. Potentially you can put off with dealing with some things later when you have more time to think and you are not being pressured to come up with a solution. Manipulators count on you to be bumfuzzled and unable to come up with an appropriated response. My poor deceased half sister-in-law counted on this to happen when in front of a crowd of people, she asked me, “Who cut your hair?” in a very critical voice and I was able to come up with an appropriate comeback, “Who asked you?” She counted on catching me off guard and she had a reputation for doing this kind of thing and getting away with it. Fortunately, I was able to come up with immediately an appropriate comeback. She always counted on her victim to not have a chance to think of something appropriate to say. Another way to have short-circuited her would to have sought out someone appropriate in the crowd and asked them what they thought of what she said or what they thought about how I looked. As mean as my sister-in-law could be and everybody knew it, surely some most would have come up something in my defense.

You do not have to accept being manipulated by such people; you just have to plan ahead to control your feelings and not become a victim. Sometimes you just have to leave and say to yourself or them, “I don’t have time for this”. If you feel you have to have an excuse to leave, say you are busy or say you are tired and have dealt with enough that day or you might have to be rude (think about how rude they are being) and say that the person is being rude or is trying to manipulate you or that they should get the h-ll out of your face; you don’t want to tolerate any more of their sh-tt that day.”

You can do the same thing with your own inner feelings and thoughts. Say, “I don’t want to feel that way anymore,” to yourself and/or, “I don’t need to feel guilty about that as I have already done that enough” and/or say to yourself “I am sorry for what I have done and have made my own personal spiritual or practical amends.” and/or “I realize I need to do something about that but it is not now time to do it” and/or “I have thought enough about it for this day or week or whatever and it is not helping me make any progress in my life to obsess about this now.”

Realize manipulators do not do this. They get their reward and do not waste time feeling bad about what they did. Don’t think a lot about being manipulated except for long enough to realize you what was done to you and do some to limit the damage if possible and momentarily if necessary. That is something practical that any victim would do especially if there are necessarily like any tie limits to do something like stopping a check from being cashed. Choke the lesson up to experience with your mistake as being an experience.

Some people do things that indirectly that hurts and they don’t understand that they are hurting themselves and others too. Indirectly it results in the angry dissolution of the relationship with the other person being blamed and the person who is mad at them does not understand that they did something themselves to harm the relationship too. It frequently seems to involve being able to read minds. If I do something for someone else who may need my help and they don’t realize that it is ultimately an imposition on me and they ask me to do it again without them realizing that was an imposition on me and I feel that they should not have asked me to do it again but they did not know that I was thinking that.

This set of behaviors seems to involves mindreading as a sport. I’ll do something really nice for you, but I want you to understand that you should never ask me to do it again because it was an imposition on me. Complicated, isn’t it. The only counteraction would be to call the person on it who did the favor if you get a chance to talk to the person again and suggest that they should have said, “No,” the first time or said, “I can do it for you this one time; but don’t count on me to do it for you, the next time you have that problem.” However, it may lead to a whole bunch of “shoulds” like who should be doing it for you instead of them, etc., etc.

Jumping To Conclusions Or How Opinionated Are You?

Thanks To Facebook And Twitter And politics, we are having a rash of rash conclusions about what should be going on in the world. Last night I heard on Fox News that oxycontin was responsible for drug deaths and was falsely promoted by the drug company as a safe drug that could be taken for pain in increasing amounts and was responsible for a rash of deaths due to people becoming addicted to the drug implying that nobody should be-be taking the drug even reasonably for moderate pain relief. The speaker was completely sure that nobody should have access to the drug even if they suffered from intolerable pain without it. Needless to say that this speaker was very confident about his conclusions but he had totally left out the other side of the story since it didn’t affect him. Opinion-oriented presentations can lead to one-sided presentations and to making decisions that affect people who are not misusing the drug and who can’t receive massive amounts of drugs under current prescription laws and who wouldn’t ever try to get them from the black market.

I am one of those patients. I have neuropathy due to spinal stenosis and even though I was successfully operated on many years ago to prevent me from becoming a quadriplegic; I still had some neuropathy which initially developed before the surgery which still exists and persists. I am on medication for this but it is limited in what it can do and it has progressed so there are times when the pain is intolerable and the medication for the neuropathy can’t control it. I also take over the counter pain medications with my doctor’s knowledge but there are times when neither medication can control the symptoms and there are times when I feel like I could wind up in the emergency room which is some distance away and an intolerably long ambulance ride because I can’t take the symptoms which involve spasms and burning pain. I receive a limited amount of oxycontin which I cautiously use for this but not every time it happens which can be every day, but I limit it by what I might have to do that day and what I can tolerate.

I fortunately or unfortunately have had oxycontin before after a couple of surgeries and in one case developed intractable constipation and loss of time where I thought a long period of time had passed and it only was a few minutes. I had a pump that time which was supposed to limit how much of the drug I got but it was too much for me and on top of that it seemed to me that nobody was checking on me either.

To me, it seemed that presentation was made by a “smart aleck” that thought he knew what he was talking about, but who had not really covered the subject or investigated what he was told or read somewhere and who could be responsible for a group of people who might not abuse the drug not getting the pain relief that they needed and would cause needless suffering.

It seems to me that people often promote ideas about things that will not have a direct effect on them rather carelessly and often from a dictatorial point of view being that most dictators tell others what to do when they themselves will suffer no direct effects from their own commands.

Relieving Yourself Of Shame, Blame, And Guilt

P.S.: This post is not for the sociopathic narcissist!

When someone confronts you about something they think you have done. Do you react with feelings of shame, blame, and/or guilt? It has been easy for me to do this. I have been brought up with a strict Christian background and my mother’s reaction to my misbehavior was to withdraw her love. She didn’t have to shame me, blame me, or make me feel guilty as it was all wrapped up into one.

Recently I was reading in Christian literature and I found out once you have asked God to forgive you and you have accepted His forgiveness, you no longer have to feel shame. In fact, if this doesn’t happen, you have not really accepted His forgiveness. In fact, you should no longer feel unhappy if it is not necessary. This does not relieve you of making amends if needed.

There are plenty of people out there waiting to attack good souls and to make the good souls feel bad in order to avoid feeling bad themselves. It could be the work of the Devil according to Christian beliefs. Initially, you might feel shame about how bad a person you might be to do something like this. Guilt comes when you accept blame and realize how doing such behavior might reflect on you as a person. Now you will have to do something about it to make amends and this releases the other person from feeling bad themselves and accepting responsibility for their retaliatory behavior. It usually takes the focus off them.

Once when I was working as a student in a clinic, my female supervisor took me aside and told me that the staff had been noticing that I smelled bad. Well, I washed and dry cleaned all my clothes and never went to work without taking a bath or shower. Still, she was taking me aside and telling me I smelled bad. I was feeling worse and worse in my position as a student in the clinic. If they stopped me from coming, I couldn’t keep my trainee position and that would go on my record.

Well, some way on my own, I figured out that it was my perfume. I liked that kind of perfume or I wouldn’t have been wearing it. Needless to say, this freaked me out from ever wearing any perfume. It wasn’t my fault, it had never been my fault. I had never had this happen to me before. I didn’t realize that such a thing could happen, but my body chemistry acted adversely with the chemistry of my perfume. Still, maybe my supervisor or someone on the staff could have figured that out too. I don’t think that I ever got an apology from my supervisor or the staff.

Sometimes the policy is jump first; think later. How much shame, blame, and guilt did I go through in that situation? Even if you are guilty and you are going to confess it and make amends, how much do feelings of shame, blame, and guilt interfere? Do you resist doing this and spend sleepless nights dealing with the potential self-righteous feelings of others and your already depressing feelings of shame, blame, and guilt. Do you plan to make reasonable amends, and would like to eventually feel better about yourself and feel good enough so that you will not be trapped back into your addiction so that you will momentarily feel better, but realize in the long run you will be in a worse position and you will have dug an even deeper hole for yourself.

Confrontation can be a delicate thing to do even if you are right. Many people may just jump out and do it because they feel righteous especially if they are rule-following, Bible-thumping hypocrites as they miss some of the less obvious Christ-like behaviors that would be more appropriate. Again I may repeat, but when my children were small, no older than 4,2, and 1, I got them ready for church and brought them to the church by myself, I was worn out when I got there. At least one of us had to change our clothes once before we left home. When I got there and was getting the littlest ones out of car seats, I had to watch other cars pulling into parking spaces so that they didn’t run over the little ones once I got them out. We sat in the back of the church (no nursery) and the oldest took off for the altar and I was helpless but eventually, I got them under control, not as much as I would have liked, but I had no help.

Once the church was over and it was time for Sunday school. a very well-dressed older woman came into the bathroom and let me have it citing how it would not have happened when her children were little and bragged about how her children turned to be professionals and well-recognized in their fields. Then soon another woman came into the bathroom and joined in. I went home crushed and decided to quit going to church. Then the second woman called and apologized. Did I initially feel shamed, blamed, and guilty? Now, don’t you think someone should have helped me in church? It would have been the Christian thing to do. Also, several times when the oldest had misbehaved in church, I would manage somehow to take him out onto the church steps and spank him.

Finally, sometimes it is better to think about something you have done and are feeling guilty to think about how you handled it considering the circumstances and either store it away as an experience or lay it to rest and go on feeling relieved of shame, blame, and guilty for the moment. P.S.: feeling shame, blame, and or guilt can keep you from laying something to rest and going on in a new direction. For me, God forgiving my sins means I can go on from here and lay matters to rest so I can do something about them if I need to without unnecessary shame, blame, and guilt getting in the way.

You Can Understand Yourself Better and You Can Understand How and Why You Do Or Don’t Get Along With Other People

I wouldn’t have ever thought that a dressing system would help me understand myself and others. For example, in one system based on the seasons, I was a “Summer” and I wore my clothes and bought my clothes based on the system. I never got any compliments based on the clothes that I wore that were “summer” and I didn’t feel more confident when I wore them.

Then I gave up on using any sort of system and just bought what I needed and appealed to me. I don’t know how I ran across Carol Tuttle’s Dressing Your Truth system but it interested me and I bought one of her first books and decided I was a Type 1 because I thought I was “an idea person”. At that time, her Dressing Your Truth system had at that time a store that sold clothing and accessories, as well as makeup and I, bought a few type 1 things. It wasn’t until I looked back at a picture of me in a “Type 1” top that I realized that the top wasn’t flattering at all and began to look elsewhere in the system.

Then I began looking at the “Type 3” part of the system and as I began to coordinate and choose my outfits and accessories as “the dynamic Type 3 woman”, I started getting spontaneous compliments from strangers on my dress. Later I took some photos of “type 3” hairstyles to a hairdresser and began to get compliments on my hair which I wasn’t used to. As I perceive it, Carol Tuttle, every woman can stand out and command attention if she follows her style of energy.

When I finally began to read The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle which I already had, I began to understand my type more when I read about a “Type 3” child at different ages and how to parent a “Type 3” child at different ages. It also talked about the interaction between different types of parents and their parenting styles and how different types of children would interact with them. Finally, the book did not forget boys and men and their different interacting styles. As I said in a previous post, there is a Dressing Your Truth system for boys and men for all four interacting styles. It does seem fairly complicated but if you start with finding your own type and exploring it on the internet in the Dressing Your Truth system and then go on to reading the books on the system and then to reading the Child Whisperer, you will gain the background you need to explore it.

References to specific books and internet sites will follow when I get them.

Do You Really Know Your Child? And Do You Really Know Yourself?

Both of these things are important. You can’t be successful at child rearing if you don’t know both things. The most helpful theory I have found has been Carol Tuttle’s book, The Child Whisperer. I actually got started reading Carol Tuttle’s book after I became acquainted with her system of dressing oneself according to your energy type.

It took me a while to understand Dressing Your Truth and initially I picked the wrong type; but after reading the Child Whisperer, I became more confident with my current choice, Type 3. I had initially chosen type 1, which I now have realized was my secondary type, not my primary type. I really knew that I had made the right choice when I started getting unexpected compliments from strangers in type 3 clothes and accessories. I knew that type 1 was not my type when I saw a picture of myself in a type 1 top that I had chosen because it was advertised as type 1 in the Dressing Your Truth store which was open at that time. Also, please note there is now information for men about all 4 types.

The Child Whisperer has information about all four types of children and has information about all four types of parents. It very clearly explains how these various types of children can interact and how mistakes can easily be made in understanding each other and in interacting with each other because the requirements of each type of child at different stages fit with different types of parents both positively and negatively. Thus you have four possible types of children and four possible types of parents. Add to that that there are two parents and they can be different from each other and then once the parents get used to how their possibly different styles of parenting interact with this type of child, they might go on to having more children who might not be the same type.

The book, The Child Whisperer, goes into all the different combinations as well as explaining how each different type of child might be like at different stages and how to recognize them and how different styles of parenting are like with each energy type. However, I would recommend that you should become acquainted with each energy type first which is easier for women as the Dressing Your Truth system was first started as being for women. There are now materials for men. Once you find your energy type (and this is true for both men and women), you will find yourself being more comfortable in your clothes and more confident about your appearance.

The Dressing Your Truth System is available online. There is material there to help you determine your type and material that tells you what each type is like. There is an earlier book and a more recent book. They tell you how to identify each type and how each type is characterized. For example,I am “Fire” when I initially thought I was “Air”; but my personal nicknames have always been “Wildcat’ and “Wildfire” although as a child I was always called, “Pumpkin” which curiously is one of the colors that is suggested for Type 3’s to wear.

Curiously, there are three colors that should only be worn by one of these types, they are pure white, gray, and black. Notice that these are usually presented as staples in one’s wardrobe. I have a family picture taken at a wedding where I was dressed in a black top and a black skirt. I looked terrible and the only thing that I can say about how I looked is that I looked, “huge” and you would ordinarily think that black would make you look smaller. Only type 4’s can get away with black (and pure white as far as that matters) and gray can only be worn by type 2’s. I assume that would be true for men too. I really have not read up on men yet.

Curious yet? I am going to publish this without all the relevant details just to get you interested and I will follow up with them in a week.

Something You Maybe Should Know

Sometimes when people say that they are telling you something you should know for your own good, maybe it really is for their own good. Maybe they tell you that you should change something about yourself for your own good when really its something that is for their own good, not yours? “Janey, you should quit talking so much and stop monopolizing the conversation”, when really they are the one who wants to monopolize the conversation and they want you to shut up and let them completely take over. Worse yet they can compliment you about something you are wearing or about a new hairstyle when obviously it doesn’t flatter you at all. Then your best friend can be your worst enemy. How do you tell the difference between one and the other?

Also less lethal but still misleading is a friend-enemy who may monopolize the choice of the next store to go to on “Black Friday” or acts like she is being the most helpful when you are deciding where to eat. It is always presented as the most logical choice but over time you or others don’t get to go where they might have planned to go. If you kept score, how many times did they get their choice while you or others did not get theirs? Maybe you had hoped to have Chinese and to top it off it might have even been your birthday and you didn’t get to have your choice for whatever reason your “friend” gave. Then if you begin to feel slightly angry over time, your friend will have a reason why you shouldn’t feel bad and it makes you look and feel like an oversensitive slob.

Could your friend be a little narcissistic and even insensitive? Not that you could say anything about them or to them. The only remedy often seems to be a little bit narcissistic or insensitive yourself. Often you spend too much time being codependent and meeting other people’s needs and may even have difficulty recognizing your own needs. “Let’s invite Judy (that’s you) to the party, I’m sure she’ll bring the food and even make the decorations.” Whoops, isn’t something going “wrong” there? Maybe the party wasn’t your idea and you had something else planned. But you get coopted!

Why Does The Victim Often Have More Trouble than the Offender?

Here I am in trouble again and you may often find yourself in this type of trouble too. The offender gets out of trouble by blaming the offender. Such as they deserved it. They were so stupid that they deserved to lose to me. Why should they trust people so much? If caught often the punishment does not equal in cost, inconvenience or shame what the offense cost the victim. Often victims have to take on the role of being a damaged person whose repair is difficult, often incomplete and leaves scars.

I am a sexual abuse victim. Even the word victim is personally damaging. I didn’t ask for it but I got it anyway or will get it for sure if I tell anybody like I am doing now. I didn’t realize it until the first time I felt a sexual response while making out and it went away. I tried many ways to fix this without any luck and so I live with it. Also, it seems that once a victim, always a victim.

I had a therapist who once called me sexually attractive which made me uncomfortable at the time. At the end of therapy when I was moving out of town, he invited me to come to see him and let him know how I was doing if ever I was back in town. When I came back, I found out that he expected me to have sex with him. I remember nothing that happened after that. Boy, was I naive and I became a victim again. Now I know why I never felt I was sexually attractive because that was dangerous. It also affected my self-esteem. Now does being seen as sexually attractive mark me as someone to be exploited? It seems to be true at least in this case.

I was considered a behavior problem in grade school. Was I reacting to being sexually abused? I had almost men teachers at that time. The best year I had was with my only woman teacher! In those days, no one considered the fact that I was a problem because they didn’t know what to do with me. In fact, at graduation, I wasn’t made the valedictorian because of my behavior so I said I wasn’t going to graduation if they didn’t. We compromised, I got the award for the highest grades in the class instead. I think I was one of the first people to threaten to boycott their graduation. Also, I was told I would never make better than a “B” in high school; however, I graduated high school as the class Salutatorian. I also suspected that they suspected that I was fairly intelligent because they had someone give me a WISC (the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children), but I never learned what my IQ was.

I was also bullied in high school on the bus and nobody did nothing about it. I did nothing to deserve it. In fact, I spend my time reading to the little kids on the bus. I ended up not riding the bus even though I live in the country. I also was a member of what I called the “out” group in high school. the members of which, including myself, all sat in a group in the auditorium to eat our lunches. We all were there for different reasons, the country kids (but that was not my reason to be there), the less intelligent kids, the poor kids, etc. I was there just because I didn’t make into one of the uppity groups whose members snubbed us.

In ending, I would like to say that from my point of view that I became a victim of other people’s enjoyment at my expense. Victims of crimes also seem to get not fully repaid for their losses caused by those who victimize them. Victims of break-ins often never feel comfortable in their own homes again.

What are the losses, peace of mind, monetary especially the extra cost of legal fees, medical expenses, the cost of therapy needed? Also, the inability to have normal emotional responses again, the lowered ability to trust people, tragic memories or the loss of memories of things that happened, fear of getting into certain situations again. What of these costs does the offender ever have to pay and does the suffering of being caught and having to pay for these offenses by going to prison ever catch up with them? Remediation often doesn’t really happen for some reason such as the inability to identify or catch the offender or the offense is not considered a crime.