Date Rape Can Happen to Seniors or the Middle-Aged

A warning first, and you may want to dismiss it, but stay with me. If you are newly single and female, whether because of divorce or the death of a spouse, there is no obligation to go out or spend time with every man who asks. Someone who pushes for that may not be reading your situation with much care. He might be reading things into you that aren't there, projecting his own wants, and treating a simple yes to an invitation as if it signaled agreement to much more than a friendly afternoon.

Date rape is just one name for a kind of rape. The woman has agreed to go somewhere with a man where the two of them will be alone, and he treats that agreement as an opening. When she says no to his advances, he doesn't accept it, because in his mind her willingness to go out already settled the question. She discovers, once they are alone, that she has no interest in going any further, and then feels pressured to go along just to get out of the situation in one piece. That pressure is a lie. Cooperating with a man who operates this way was never the safe path it seemed to be in the moment.

Which is why women in this position sometimes bring a chaperone, or only go out in groups, or with other women, and avoid being alone with a man at all. There are men who look at a recently divorced or widowed woman as open season, and who read any reply from her, however hesitant, as acceptance of what they have already decided will happen. I'm not suggesting that a woman in this situation should stay celibate for the rest of her life. I am saying she has reason to be careful, and that she may be less alert than usual to a hidden agenda dressed up as an offer to cheer her up and get her out of the house.

Men, I haven't forgotten you. I've heard of newly single men having food delivered to their door by a parade of different women, sometimes along with the suggestion that other needs could be met now that there's no woman at home. Don't assume those gifts and offers arrive without strings. The acceptance of them can carry an implication that you want more in return than a casserole.

Leopards of either sex will change their spots the minute they sense someone is available. In some families, young people's courtships are looked into carefully and supervised. If you're older, that isn't terrible advice either. A major upheaval leaves a person exposed, and decisions made while already under that kind of stress tend to be poor ones. I've known people who rushed, and from what I've seen it works out better to wait a year or two before committing to anything. After a divorce in particular, people tend to walk straight back into the same kind of relationship they just left, and they don't notice until they've already grown attached to someone too soon.

And no, it isn't true that every man wants only sex, or that every single woman is hunting for the next available man to bankroll her.

A note at the end: people grieve after a relationship ends, and grief arrives in many flavors. What fits one person won't fit another. If this is happening to you, or has happened, give it time and let the grief find a way out. Grief that stays bottled up does real damage, not only to the person holding it in but to the family members still around them. Be wary of all the shoulds and the quick fixes handed over by someone who doesn't actually understand what you're going through.

Be especially cautious of anyone who tells you right away that they've diagnosed your problem and can fix it. No two people carry the same problems. Some folks get a charge out of directing other people's lives and then faulting them when they go their own way. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's writing on death and dying is a solid place to start; her five stages of grief are laid out there, and grief after divorce follows a similar path. A circle of widows or widowers moving through the same experience can help too. For divorced people, widows, and widowers raising children, Parents Without Partners is another place to turn.

Related