Overcome With Emotion

Choices made while emotion is running high tend to be the ones people wish they could take back. There are moments when feeling swamped pushes a person toward something drastic, even something that threatens their life. A good general rule: during any major upheaval or loss, hold off on anything you can't later undo. Widowers and widows are a common example. After years of sharing a household with someone, the quiet of an empty home can be unbearable, and loneliness drives some of them to pick a new partner far too quickly. I know of two widows who did exactly that, each after a long and happy first marriage, and both ended up divorced.

The feelings I have in mind here are mostly the uncomfortable ones: rage, fear, anxiety, depression, the kind of self-loathing that can tip into thoughts of suicide. Whoever is in that state usually feels sealed off, as if no person or resource is within reach. My own sense is that nearly everyone could use a therapist at some point, or a therapy group run by someone capable. Alcoholics Anonymous built a version of this into its structure with sponsors, someone a member can phone when the pull to drink gets strong. Drinking, after all, is often an attempt to smother a difficult feeling. It works for a while, then the feeling returns once the alcohol fades. Some people also drink because socializing comes hard to them, and a few drinks make them feel loose and talkative. Drugs, alcohol, and other addictions frequently function as self-medication. They shift what you feel right now, the effect is temporary, and before long the person reaches for the same fix again.

When someone is buried under feelings they can't tolerate, the possible outcomes get ugly: killing another person, killing themselves, cutting or otherwise injuring their own body, sinking into substances or mood-altering activities that only breed new trouble. Those detours drain money meant for daily living, crowd out the things that have to get done such as holding a job or caring for children, and wreck a person's health.

For something this consequential, we put remarkably little effort into teaching people how to handle it. Too often we leave them alone with it, left to invent their own fixes, some of them useless and some of them dangerous. Relaxation practice, meditation, mindfulness, anger management, all of these help. Counselors can point to plenty more besides.