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How People Try To Control Others When They Can’t Control Themselves

What do you think?  Are you in control of yourself?  Big job, isn’t it?  Do you have some habits that take control?  Eating?  Sleeping?  Golf? Watching sports?  Hunting?  Not controlling your temper? Hogging the electronics or the laptop?  Being unavailable for conversation or socialization because of this?  Gossiping? Seeing others as sexually promiscuous?  Perceiving others as using too much foul language?  But not yourself?

Do you have someone bossy in your family that almost always gets their way and others often agree to do what they want in order to keep the peace?  It is an interesting idea to see these people as not in control of themselves and to consider the idea that they either don’t know it or they don’t admit it?

Golly, there is so much to control as an everyday human and things can get out of control real fast like addictions, laziness, focusing solely on one’s career and letting other things like socialization go.  Do we try to control others because we can’t or won’t control our own selves?

The Bible says to get the pebble out of your own eye before trying to get rid of one in someone else’s eye. I grew up with a very controlling and complaining parent.  We never talked about what he or she did wrong, just what was wrong with others.  Gee, this person is starting to look like a saint.  As a Christian why would one require salvation if they never did anything wrong, just other people?

Remember whatever you might complain about in another person might be something actually that you have little control of in yourself.  Beware the biggest controller might not be the other person; it might be you.  My controlling parent actually kept on trying to control me after I had gone on to graduate school, gotten married, and moved away from home.  I feel that person could have pulled food out of my mouth if he or she thought it wasn’t good for me to eat.

The worst conflict that we had was when I made the decision to get a divorce from my first husband.  When I told this parent this, it was all about how the divorce would make this parent look and how it made this parent feel.  I received no support from this parent and I cried so hard that I had to go into the shower and turn it on to drown out the sound of my crying and wash away my tears.

Then when things got tough in my second marriage, this parent was more concerned that I might move back home with the children and become dependent on this parent than this parent was concerned with how I would cope with them if I had to do this. Then I realized that this parent again was more concerned about herself than she was about me.

Learning to control yourself is a life long process and most people? might never accomplish this. Sometimes it is easier to just control others and how they effect you than it is to work on controlling yourself first. Manipulating others sometimes comes easier to do than taking charge of yourself and what you tend to do unbridled. MY WEBSITE WAS OUT OF COMMISSION FROM AFTER THIS POST WAS WRITTEN UNTIL SOMETIME IN MAY DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

I Thought It Was Just Me!

Somebody can be mean to you and can also convince you that you deserved it. Is this just bullying or can it be more sophisticated than that? Saying things like “This is for your own good or I wouldn’t be telling you this”. Some people saying they are just being helpful then why does it hurt so much? and if this is just to help you, why does it hurt so bad? Why as a result do you feel so shameful and like you shouldn’t go out till after dark? It seems like that everything you do out of what you think is kindness is taken the wrong way.

Don’t take this the wrong way if you really are just being helpful but if you are bullying then these comments are not so helpful and you are not just being kind. Then it is not just me. What is the long term gain of these behaviors? Do you wind up feeling better than the person you help in this way in some way? Do you feel it is important for the person that you are criticizing for their own good to feel shameful in some way? Then if not just shameful then guilty. Women are much better at playing this game than men. Men who just as soon just go ahead and hit you and leave your self-esteem alone.

Is feeling shame is less upsetting than having a black eye? Probably not at least to women. Now don’t go ahead and take this wrong way and let it justify physical abuse of women as if a slap or punch feels better than a “God D–n you Bitch”. Mental and emotional abuse are still forms of abuse. What do you get out of having the privilege of correcting someone? If you get any privilege or satisfaction out of it, maybe you aren’t doing it for the person’s own good?

What does it mean when someone says that a guy who is physically or verbally abused should take it like a man? When this is done to a woman should she take it like a woman? What does that mean? Does it mean that no matter how mean and nasty the lecture that the woman should turn around and apologize for something that they didn’t know was wrong? It is always for their own good. Then why does it feel so bad to them? How come it hit them broadside and maybe they feel that they didn’t see it coming.

How come the person doing it feels such relief after they let the other person have it? Worse yet maybe it rick-o-shayed and something hurtful just bounced off the speaker’s back and on to the back of the “victim”. For example, the man has a fight with his wife and then kicks the cat on the way out while grumbling at the cat that it was in his way. The perpetrator can be extremely dense and not see the relationship between being mad about something with somebody and taking it out on somebody else. Road rage often is the result of this as the person overacts at some slight offense on the road out of proportion to what really happened.

In the distant past, I used to get very critical letters from someone about my parenting skills. I didn’t realize at the time that this was happening. It is a form of scapegoating and the other person makes you feel bad so they can feel better. It is something like receiving a bomb like one of those exploding sacks dropped on your porch with poop in it. The problem is the size of the bomb and the length of the bombardment. There is no chance to recover as the bomb blasts come one right after the
other. If there is no bomb shelter, then you cover your ears and close your mouth and put your arms around yourself so as to make as little a target as possible. Also, it is not difficult to appear normal or better than normal for the bombardier when around other people after the blasts are over.

Opinions Are Usually Based On Assumptions, Not Facts

This is an opinion piece based on what I think about a particular topic; but often these days people write on a topic giving their opinions about a topic, not a presentation of and an analysis of the facts about a given subject. This means a presentation is often one-sided and gives a person’s particular point of view about a topic. For example, all border walls are bad. They prevent good people from coming to America to start life over after escaping from economically deprived countries or ones whose governments they don’t support and they often point out the saying on the Statue of Liberty to support these people’s right to do this.

What the idea about that doing this presents an open pathway for criminals to enter our country and an invitation for people to come and get free health care, education, and food that many actual citizens are not able to get. Thus many presentations of public opinion leave certain facts out. Finally, many people who come into our country this way without screening and many may not want to live according to our laws and values especially as treated by the declaration of independence. For example, the mutualization of young girls female parts and child marriage between young girls and grown men without consent is promoted by some cultures.

Also, many people who promote this, do not expect to have to live under these conditions. How about men who cross open borders in Europe and who perceive young unaccompanied women in casual dress which exposes some of their body parts such as their faces or legs as open targets for rape and who do not expect to get arrested and prosecuted for this.

Update On Security Modes

Sometimes we have security modes that go into action in desperate situations when we feel we have no way to deal with a situation and we think that others on whom we depend will desert us in a crisis situation we did not know existed but others thought we should know did exist. The first mode is to run away and to not notify others where we are going when we are confused and shattered. We are actually seeking someone who would understand us and support us in our crisis. Also at this point, we feel that the weight of everything is upon us.

When I was a child, I would cry my heart out whether I was at school or in my room at home. Of course, there was no one available to hold me while I cried and to support me in my crisis. The result was that I was all alone in my crisis.

As an adult when this occurs, the result is very much the same. Then there seems to be only one more thing that can be done if nothing happens to support me and this is to forget the whole thing. This is why those people who insult or assault me in this way thing think that I didn’t listen and that it didn’t affect me in any way and that I didn’t care.

The worst insult when I am left with no way out and threats are made that will affect my security if I try to question what they said and/or go to other people involved for help. There is no way out that is why I seem to have the two alternatives listed above. That is why people involved think that I don’t care especially if I seem to have forgotten the incident.

What are your security modes? I recently read about Shame shields which she to be one type of security modes: anger, forgetting, silence, or shame (feel bad as if you did something wrong and must apologize). These are all ways of dealing with apparent life-threatening danger.

Make my loved ones detach from me as the person who is upset with me has more control over that person. Make me seem like an evil person because I am supposedly doing what they are accusing me of doing and keep other people involved from supporting me because of that. They accept no guilt for the situation. In fact t

In school when this happened when I was shamed by the teachers, I had no place to go or no one to run to. My parents, if they knew, would not take my side or cuddle me or support me. So I kept it secret and threw away the teacher’s notes. Even today I feel I should keep it secret as no one would understand me, support me, or believe me.

The Good Employee

!. Do you show up on time or a little bit earlier? Do you do this because you might get caught up in traffic or because the weather or traffic might be Bad?

2. Is your dress appropriate, not too fancy, or showing too much skin. Have you noticed what other employees were wearing? Have you dressed for the temperature in which you will be working? Have you worn something that would catch on machinery or distract other employees? Better yet, do you have contact with customers? Then how do you represent your company?

3. Have you asked for time off when you are not eligible for it yet? Worse yet have you just not showed up. Have you caused your employer to ask another employee who is on their time off to show up or worse have you caused your boss to come in on their day off?

4. If you are mad about something, do you grumble about it with other employees or worse yet do you do this with other customers?

5. Would you like yourself as your own employee? If not, then why do you act that way?

6. When you have nothing to do at work, do you do nothing? talk to other employees and distract them from their work?

7. Do you do what a good employee might do and that is find something to do that needs to be done? This might lead to the compliment, ” Did you notice that “X” (that’s you) is never idle, she always finds something to do.

8. Have you been asked to do something that is unethical or unsafe or illegal? Would you risk your job to do the right thing? In the long run, would your employer appreciate it or would a new employer like you for what you did?

Go From Now To Then, How To Back Up Your Life

Recently when reading of characteristics of a co-dependent person which seemed to match my assets, I realized that it was easy to look backwards and determine where I came from. It has always been important to me to help the persons that read my blog not only to determine what problems they seem to have currently but also to look back and see where they came from. Doing this is what helps change behaviour.

As a co-dependent, I usually consider others needs first. I want to avoid drama by others when they don’t get what they want. As a result, I have a long record of restaurants I have not gotten to go. Part of the reason for this is that I’m am disabled and people don’t want to waste the time it takes to get me in and out of the car and the time it takes to drop me off at the store or restaurant, re-park the car, and walk back. It is a lot faster to go without me.

If I mention that I would like to go to this place or that when other family talks about going somewhere, I realize that I would be a spoilsport. Not wanting to be one, I don’t ask. If I am out on an outing and the group is choosing a place to eat even if I would like to go to a certain type of place, especially one I haven’t had a chance to go to, I keep my mouth shut because of one person who is almost always there, usually gets her way as she expects it and she thinks her choice is the most logical and/or practical.

If other people are dissatisfied about something, I get upset too for two reasons I think I should feel the way other people feel or if I don’t go along with them, and agree that their way is the right way to feel that they will get mad or even feel worse because I am not supporting them. Actually, I do have the right to feel the way I feel or to even not feel at all.

All people are different. People in families, often if you express yourself, feel you are wrong or are not supporting them. Parents are in charge and they may expect that children must mirror them and if children disagree with them that they are not being disciplined right.

I did not realize how controlling my mother could be until she threatened suicide because when we were on a trip and we were sharing a room I went to the bathroom and was reading magazines because I could not sleep through her snoring. I guess I was supposed to pretend I was asleep. I thought I had not awakened her, but she must have awoken and found me not in the other bed. It was scary!

It sounds that strong, demanding people get their way and create co-dependents. Now codependents can be sneaky and avoid demanding people. This can lead to lying by sins of omission. I used to get the teacher’s notes to take home to my parents and I never did take them home. I always liked to avoid confrontation. I really dreaded that; sometimes I was even really very afraid. Also, I was afraid of the power that they generated and commanded.

Again a story about my poor mother and how demanding and controlling she could be. After four years of marriage in my first marriage, I decided I had to ask for a divorce, because I was so uncomfortable in the marriage that I was sick all the time and even a doctor, that I went to, recommended that the only thing I could do was get a divorce.

When I shakily told my mother that I was getting a divorce over the phone, she got mad and told me no one in our family had never gotten a divorce and demanded that I would not get a divorce. I cried so hard after this that I went to the shower, turned the shower on and cried my guts out. By the way, I did get a divorce from my first husband (it was mutual) and moved away; but not back home to where my mom was.

Once early in my current marriage, I learned that I was going to get fired and I never ever really found out why. Did I cry and shake? That man had a lot of power and I think now it was partially that I had a PhD and he had an Ed.D. for those of you that want to know. My degree was in clinical psychology and his degree was only in educational psychology. I didn’t disrespect him for this. He also said he took the exam to be licensed as a psychologist and did not study for it and passed?

Well after I left the clinic, I spent six months reviewing my doctoral exam notes from graduate school before taking and passing the exam. It was a very tough exam and I could not have passed it without studying for it especially a few years out of graduate school. Don’t you think, like I thought, that he was setting me up for something? Being submissive doesn’t always help especially with a sociopathic narcissist?

Also, I can get talked out of doing something sometimes. It is not always right, but they are so demanding, it makes me think that I must be missing something in my defence and give in to them. Some people in positions of authority, whether as bosses, teachers, or parents, feel that now that they have a chance to be in charge, that they must always be right whereby the authority of their position or because they wouldn’t have gotten there if they didn’t know their stuff.

In graduate school, my clinical class had one class where we had a professor who was a star in their field because of her published research but she couldn’t teach her way out of a boot. After her classes, we all as a class had to go to our books and references to find out the true answers to questions she had referenced in class. Still, we had one test of hers that we all had done badly on so she kept us after class to tell us the right answers as she wanted to pound them into our heads and as a result, we had to choose to stay in her class or be on time for our next classes.

VOTE!, VOTE!, VOTE!

Democracy is based on the idea that the people who are covered by this form of government will have an equal say in who the people that govern them will be. If you don’t vote, then the democracy will stop working and eventually fail. If the people, in general, don’t vote, then who will determine who will make the decisions.

Also if the people making decisions about who will run the government don’t have their own independent ideas about this and are not well-informed about the issues being considered then they will be easily led by people who want to run the government and who essentially don’t believe in a democracy. Then the government might eventually become a dictatorship so if you don’t register to vote and exercise your right to vote and do so judiciously by being well informed about the candidates and the issues, this can happen.

If you remember, there was a post written here about “The Little PEOPLE” previously and the former presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, used the term, deplorables (oops I initially thought it was the despicables, in one of her speeches referring to the people who supported the opposing candidate. She sort of stuck her foot in her mouth didn’t she?

Now I am asking you to consider the opposing candidates running in your state for various offices. Do they take your vote for granted? or do they think that you might change your vote to vote for them if they would put you down if you voted for the opposing candidate or candidates?

VOTE, VOTE, VOTE! Although it will be a little awkward for me because of my handicaps. I will also get myself there. If you can, take someone with you. Don’t let a friend or neighbor have an excuse for not voting. Also if you can. help a friend or neighbor register to vote if they haven’t.

This is a very crucial election. Think about what the Democrats might do if they get a majority in the House or Senate and think about as well what the Republicans might do if they get a majority in the House or Senate.

Consider the source of your information. Most major news stations take a standard Democratic line and to hear the reverse you have to listen to Fox news stations. Few newspapers give anything but the standard Democratic line. Sometimes I feel that Obama has never left office in the Democrats’ minds. Also, I think that Trump is still campaigning to stay in office. Why don’t you consider both sides?

Finally, I am considering voting for neither the Democratic or the Republican candidate for governor in my state. I kinda think that both are well acquainted with the swamp. They might be very surprised on election day if an independent candidate made a large showing. Also, one slot for state representative on the Republican side was filled by had a newcomer who won the primary.

Avoiding Road Rage And Not Just On The Road

It makes sense if you see someone coming toward you looking like an impending thunderstorm that you should avoid them if you possibly  can,  Do you want to get wet especially when they don’t make umbrellas  to protect you from this type of storm.  Sometimes all you can do is to not agitate  them and try  to get away as soon as possible.

  For example,I had a woman who was checking me out in Wally World and I had many items and I needed a little help; I knew that she didn’t like this and that the skies were getting  darker and darker.  I also needed someone to help me take my groceries out to the car, but I also knew that I probably shouldn’t ask her right at that time so I didn’t and as I pushed my cart away from the checkout station, I  spotted a more likely  associate further  away from  where I had checked out and asked her to help me.

Another problem is letting someone’s facial expression upset you or influence the way you feel. At a play or in a meeting, do you let the way someone looks at the play or in the meeting cause you to change your mind about the play or about what is going on in the meeting? Do you let somebody else’s assessment change how you think about something? Do you get less enjoyment out of the play or do you feel that the meeting is promoting better ideas than you thought it was doing. Are you independent or do you feel less sure of yourself when it comes to the judgment of what is going on around you? Do you unconsciously tune in to what is going on around you and lose your self-confidence about what you are thinking or feeling?

Good And Evil Revisited, Part 3

I am sorry that I am a little bit behind.  I had surgery and it took me a little bit of time to recover.

Evil has no compunction against saying those who are Good are beneath them and are stupid, ignorant, and easily manipulated by both sides when Evil masquerades as “Good”.

Unfortunately, some of the Good are really part of the Evil ones and only are pretending to be “Good” so they are able to accomplish Evil things.  This happens when values deteriorate from concern with doing Good only and with helping others in need of salvation or in need of having their basic needs met.    See Maslow’s basic hierarchy of needs.  Perhaps a social need is for a church to have their worship in a cathedral so everyone can see how well they are doing in their search to glorify God.  Also they “need” a bigger church to safely accommodate their large congregation which is a safety need in the hierarchy. This can often subvert the direction of a church i.e. from housing or feeding the poor to building on to their church unnecessarily.  Many feel good for example when they have a showplace of a church like a Cathedral.  Are they actually “Good” or are they approaching being Evil? i.e. “Look at me.  Look at my church.”

A Concerned Pastor, Might He Have This Problem In His Church?

For example, have you ever even a woman or a man entering a church with a scowl on their face and they appear ready to criticize something at any moment.  In the long run, such people may eventually split the church over doctrine or acceptable values which they piously conceive as Godly.

Hugging, even shaking hands, or friendly greetings to strangers are not present in these churches and it appears that these members of the congregation would appear very uncomfortable doing these things.  Attire is either formal or does not permit certain hairstyles and types of clothing especially not wearing shoes or hats or head coverings which the disciples didn’t do.  In some places, people think that they can’t go to church because they have nothing to wear, clothes that are threadbare or shoes that are scuffed and worn and either too little or too big.  If I stay home on Sunday due to my disabilities acting up, I do not have to dress up.  I do catch at least one sermon on TV when I do that.

Values are deteriorating to fame and recognition, power, wealth, and a much higher standard of living including gold faucets providing high-value items, more opportunities, and living in restricted areas.  Also, such people might have multiples of items where an ordinary person might only need just one or a few.  There might be a corner on the market of beautiful things even by the most of those who consider themselves “Good.”  For example, the price of a fine thing can match a working person’s salary for one year.

Where do you go when you have done everything and seen everything?  Do you consider other people evil because you think they have not worked hard enough to get to the place where they can look down on others like themselves?  Reading the Bible and applying what it says possibly goes by the wayside unless there are some books of the Bible or some particular verses that match what these people righteously think. Was the Bible meant to be read in all its parts and also applied in all its parts?  Probably.  But when an effort is made to read and apply the values presented here,  such an effort is acceptable.  There are other volumes which elucidate a value system but they must be evaluated by the heart and not just the mind.

Who do you look up to?  Does what they do and think to justify following them.  Most of us have a conscience and we know when we are doing what we know somewhere deep inside it is not right.  Too often we don’t speak up because we have the idea that other people are better qualified or more powerful than us.  (See my post on The Little People.) This is the reason for a democracy.  You have the right to vote.  Use it.  I will make an independent vote for governor this fall as I consider neither the current Republican Governor or the Democratic candidate for governor worthy.  I hope enough of us poor little voters will do this to make our opinion known.  We do not want to be ruled by Chicago which we would be in Illinois if we voted for a Democrat or if we reelected the current governor who has the state broke, that probably wouldn’t change.  If you are in Illinois, vote for the independent Kash Jackson and show the state that many of us do not want either the Republican nor the Democratic candidate.

Values in the discussion of Good and Evil, do no good unless you live them even if it is difficult.  Do you have your own mission statement declaring what your purpose in life is and how to follow it?  Also please remember fighting within the Church most often is a grab for power; the righteous have different concerns.  The same type of things goes on in corporations.  Only even more complex.  Have you ever been asked to do something basically illegal at work?  Would you give up your job for your values?

Last Of The Article On Brain Plasticity By Anna Kucirkova

How Exactly Does Plasticity Improve the Mind?

brain-circuit

In his book, Soft-Wired: How the New Science of Brain Plasticity Can Change Your Life, Dr. Michael Merzenich, a leading pioneer in brain plasticity research and co-founder of Posit Science, lists ten core principles necessary for the remodeling of your brain to take place:

  1. Change is mostly limited to situations in which the brain is in the mood for it. If you are engaged, your brain will be too.
  2. Be more motivated and more alert. Those intensely focused on the task and devoted to mastering something will experience greater change.
  3. The strengths of the connections of neurons that are engaged together, moment by moment, are actually what changes.
  4. Learning-motivated changes in connections increase cell-to-cell cooperation.
  5. The brain strengthens its connections between teams of neurons when things occur in the same order over time.
  6. Though the first brain changes are temporary, changes become permanent if your brain judges the experience to be worthy of remembrance.
  7. Brain changes happen through internal mental rehearsal just as physical rehearsal in the real world helps us learn and execute specific tasks.
  8. Memory is the key to learning. When you learn a new skill, your brain notes the good, the bad, and the ugly. The most recent good try is the one that the brain remembers.
  9. When your brain strengthens a connection in advancing your mastery of a task, it weakens unnecessary connections of neurons that weren’t used.
  10. Brain plasticity can go either way; you can generate negative changes just as easily as positive changes.

Maintaining Plasticity

brain

 

We can understand that the brain is designed to be stimulated and challenged, to carefully examine and interpret the environment, and keep track of the details, all of which is necessary for survival.

But, people in society tend to remove themselves from details of life. They don’t keep track of things in their heads anymore; they use smartphones with speed dial, address books, and reminder features. They rely on GPS rather than paying attention to street signs and navigation skills.

As we age, we go from the acquisition of abilities to using the abilities acquired earlier in life. We operate on autopilot. The skills and tasks we have mastered are done simply by rote. We are largely disengaged.

Modern culture has reduced stimulation on the functional level, while we engage ourselves at an abstract level of operations. Details no longer matter and our brains are deteriorating as a result. As we continue to disengage from the simple act of memory recall, we are letting our brain plasticity lie dormant.

But, it is more than possible to maintain plasticity as we age. Humans have the ability to learn new things, master new skills or learn new languages, even into old age. This example of neuroplasticity will most likely involve structural and biochemical changes at the level of the synapse.

Adult brains remember new activities through repetition. When an enriched and stimulating environment is offered to a damaged brain, recovery can occur. Not everyone will be able to recover, however. The amount of brain damage and the treatments and rehabilitation will be the key to engaging neuroplasticity.

Conclusion

The brain is an amazing source of skill, memory, and functionality. Its ability to continuously improve functionally and structurally make human beings one of the most sophisticated creatures on the planet.

We all have the power to train, modify, and heal our own brains through hard work, focused effort, and a belief in the power of the mind.

Hope you have enjoyed the article and have gotten useful information from it.  Here is a link to Anna Kucirkova’s article at her site: https://doublewoodsupplements.com/pages/using-brain-plasticity-to-supercharge-your-brain.