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Reminets of Sexual Abuse

She appears SCARED!

Purusing my Courage To Heal Workbook, I came up with the following ideas based on my responses to the questions. I didn’t realize how scared I was about sharing my abuse history with others who weren’t professionals. I realized I was both sexually abused and physically abused by being made frightened of my daddy’s temper. At a workshop, I remembered the phrase, “Don’t hit him’ hit me. I didn’t realize until then that my dad’s violent temper scared me for the safety of my brothers.  Dad, I guess, didn’t beat on me but he scared me for my brothers’ safety. I realized how my Dad’s temper was when I watched my older brother get mad mistakenly at my son when he thought he was his son misbehaving. Both boys were the same age. Like father like son.

I was afraid to share the history of my sexual abuse because I thought I wouldn’t be believed or the person I told it to wouldn’t believe me and just thought I was trying to get attention. My sexual abuse left me with sexual problems. Difficulty getting aroused, and a preference for masturbation as a channel for getting sexual relief. I still don’t know why I used the method and the fantasies I used. I know I would be terribly embarrassed to tell this to anyone. I knew they wouldn’t understand why I did what I did to get aroused  No, I am not ready to release my secret.

My abuse also led me to read about sexual abuse to attend workshops about sexual abuse, to see hypnotists and other persons who could get persons to remember past life abuses.  Attending these types of workshops did reveal some types of sexual abuse that I suffered.  I was sexually abused by a therapist that I saw when I went back to see him after therapy to tell him how I was doing.  My family doctor that my family had when I was a kid also abused me.  I also discovered that I may have abused a child when I was a child. If you believe in past lives, I discovered my father in one life pushed me off a cliff as a sacrifice.

I read the book listed above to help me heal from participating in these things and to take part in various exercises to do this.  I did a lot of writing in the workbook ( often enough to fill the margins).  It roused feelings in me that I didn’t know I had.  (I am not much of a feeling person.)  I also learned that I did not like to share these feelings unless I was in a group organized to share such feelings or with a therapist.  I revealed feelings that t I didn’t know I had.  I was sowing thoughts and ideas on what I thought was barren ground.

All thoughts and feelings are acceptable unless acted out without exercising judgment in some cases.  Writing such things on paper is usually acceptable especially if a person is cautious about who they show them to.  This is why writing in the workbook was so valuable.  I could write what I thought and not work about what someone else would think about it.  I could be crazy.  I could express hated and a desire to kill or injury some person without repercussions. Questions asked in various chapters inspired me to write things that I had never thought of before.

The author Laueir Davis also wrote a book The Courage To Heal that I recommended you read first.


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